American Dad s14e15 Episode Script


1 It's family game night at the Smiths'! Welcome back.
I'm your host Tuttle.
And we're playing "The Newlywed Game.
" [Whispering] I'm not part of your family.
I want to go home.
But you're doing a great job! Also, remember our arrangement! You host, or you get this.
All right, gentlemen, let's see how well your wives have predicted what you will say.
Francine, the question was, "Who is your husband's personal hero?" That's easy.
He has all his cookbooks, DVDs, and posters.
Stan's hero is Guy Fieri! Mwah! Fieri's the coolest cat in America, shakin' his tail feather with the five S's style, smile, sickness, slickness, and smoked meats that are oh-so-tender.
And guess what, kiddies? He's in town scouting locations for "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives!" Lookie here, baby.
Uh-huh! Klaus, we're playing a game here.
Well, it's game on for Klaus, too.
I'm taking my new outfit out tonight to score some honeys.
Go to hell.
No [bleep] you, Klaus! Now, to our leading couple who have not missed a question yet.
Hayley, who is your husband's personal hero? That would be Ben Dronkers.
Mwah! Ben Dronkers? Who the hell's that? He created Gorilla Glue #4, Jeff's favorite strain of weed.
Hayley, don't say "favorite" so loud! The other weeds will hear you! Every one of Jeff's answers is marijuana-related.
It's why they're winning.
His only interest is getting stoned! - Dad! - He's got no job, no future! There's nothing to him besides smoking pot! Mr.
, you're stressing me out! [Water bubbling] - [Exhales] - Tuttle! Let "The Newlywed Game" records show my son-in-law has no identity! Hate to be the guy he's mad at.
Good morning, U.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
Aah! Good morning, U.
[Sighs] Maybe your dad's right.
Maybe my identity is all about weed.
I don't know if "maybe" is the right word.
I need to take a walk and think things over.
- Want me to go with you, babe? - Nah.
I'm just gonna go do some circles in the laundry room.
- I've been eavesdropping.
- Oh.
But I do agree, you need an identity, and a great way to do that get a job! A job? I better talk to Hayley.
She'll know what she wants me to do.
I was just talking to our mutual friend Hayley.
Hayley: You can leave that open! Jeff, I hate to plant this idea in your head, but Hayley's also been complaining that you have no identity/job.
- Oh, no! - [Doorbell rings, door opens] Wait, I like pizza.
Maybe I could get a job answering doors for people who order pizza.
- Like at parties! - Or? What if I got a job working at a pizza place? I think that might be genius.
I wonder if my identity is someone who puts olives on a pizza.
Not bad.
Just the right amount of grime.
Holy legit-a-moly, boys, we may have found a dive! I don't think you're allowed to just grab that.
Pal, don't you know who that is? Some county treasurer? That's Guy Fieri! Shh! Don't interrupt! He's about to hunch! [Munching] Mmm! I'm getting the fennel and fattiness from the sausage, a nice kick of Cayenne in the sauce.
Buddy! Talk about packing up the taste buds for a weekend trip to Flavortown! Is that good? [Laughs] He asked if that's good.
Hey, Guy, check this dude out! He looks like you! I'm not really seeing it.
I swear, boss! Let me show you.
A little more mustache, some cool earrings.
There it is! I see the resemblance.
Something about this dude who looks like me that I just like.
Brother, you have got to hang with us.
[Gasps] No way! [Dance music playing] Out on the town, and everyone's checking out my new outfit.
- Excuse me.
- It's on.
- So, baby, what's your name? - Black Nissan.
You think I'm some car valet because of my white shirt, my bow tie, my sweet vest, my foreign accent Oh, balls.
Hold on, maybe we just go with it.
Could be a great opportunity to pick up a few bucks.
And a lucky break, too.
I don't have a dime on me.
Nothing? You told me you were paying for the evening! [Laughs] I see what happened here.
I was lying to you, Klaus.
I don't respect you.
Anything interesting happen at work? I found an olive slice that looked like a doughnut.
Well, no wonder you're so tired.
Oh, and, also, Guy Fieri came in.
He asked me to hang out with him and some friends of his he calls the Pesto Crew.
Guy Fieri asked you to join his posse? Yeah, but they seem kind of weird, so I think I'll pass.
Well, if you're not interested, then you shouldn't [Groaning] Shut up! Shut up! Jeff, don't make the biggest mistake of your life! Guy Fieri has tapped you to join the Pesto Crew.
Do you know what that means? Mr.
, you just said 25 words in a row.
People don't think I count words, but sometimes I do.
Jeff, this is your identity! - It is? - Yes! What greater identity is there than giving me access to Guy Fieri? - It doesn't seem like I'd fit in with - Don't disappoint Hayley.
- But she said she didn't care - Eh, eh, eh, eh! Sounds like what a divorce lawyer might advise her to say.
[Stammering] A d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d?! Divorce.
So if you want to save your marriage, you'll join the Pesto Crew.
It's exactly what Hayley craves.
How do you know? Because we share the same sperm-DNA.
Everything I like, she likes, too.
- It's genetics.
- Of course.
Genetics! Oh, my God, Jeff, are you making the case to me, scientifically, that you need to join the Pesto Crew? You've done it again.
[All cheering] Show us your clam! [Laughter] That man is waggling his penis at me! No one's stopping you from waggling back, Cracker Jack! [Laughter] Yeah! Man, oh, man.
He is on top of the world.
And then Jeff told me Guy wants to open a café in the Louvre.
And then Jeff told me they'd only serve ribs and it would be called "Guy's Art-Town Motorcycle Munchies.
" Hayley, I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your marriage to Jeff.
Dad, you could have said that at my wedding instead of demanding that the band play more "white" music.
[Engine revving, tires squealing] [Gasps] Can it really be? Meet the fam! Guy's here! In my house! No one chows without boogie-woogie rock while I'm around.
[Munching] Mmm! Bodaciously buttery spuds.
That is the definition of stupid in Flavortown.
Uh, would you care to sit? Guy only eats standing up.
Geeks eat sitting down.
Wait, everybody eats sitting down.
Hey! Jeff! M-Mr.
Fieri, I'm Jeff's father-in-law, Stan.
- I'm honored to - Looks like Ruffles is flirtin' with your smokin' hot daughter.
[Sniffs] Her name's Hayley.
I made her myself out of my own sperm-DNA.
[Motorboating] Get off me! Uh-oh! Someone's on the rag! Don't worry, she keeps tampons in her purse! Look at me, I'm a bigwig.
I'm gonna do a factory.
- [Laughter] - Jeff! [Whispering] I'm saving my marriage! [Laughs] Jeff's been acting like a total jerk since he became part of this Pesto Crew.
Not true.
Stan, you have to get him to quit.
[Sighs] I'm afraid we've come to an impasse.
You're not budging.
I'm not budging.
There's no choice left but Family War! Men versus women! Hyah! Steve! It's Family War! Steve! Jeff, let me be very clear.
This new "identity" of yours is absolutely not working.
Wait, I thought it would help our marriage.
It's actually negatively affecting our relationship.
But they're pretty funny guys Jeff, I'm not kidding around.
Promise you'll quit.
I will, I promise.
This is nice [Screams] [Whispering] Family War Steve! It's going down! Where are you?! Stockton to Malone! I've never seen a valet do that.
They're digging us.
Steve: Man, this bed is, like, super lumpy.
Was that Was that Steve's voice? You're supposed to get a new bed every 10 years.
How long have I had this thing? So keep parking cars? Yeah! Keep parking cars.
- [Gulps] - [Knock on door] Adelante! Jeff-O! Pull up some chairs, help me dip some of this shit! Actually, sir, there's something I need to talk about.
That sounds serious.
Due to marital circumstances, I have to quit the Pesto Crew.
And if you're looking for someone to replace him, here's a chicken breast I've been marinating for 8 years in Mountain Dew and soy sauce.
Please consider this my application.
I refuse this.
Jeff, I hate hearing that you want to leave.
But I agree with you.
You shouldn't be in the Pesto Crew.
You should be its leader.
I haven't announced it yet, but I'm retiring.
And, Jeff, I want you to run my empire.
Me? Why? You have the stuff to be Chief Junkyard Dog of Flavortown.
That sounds amazing.
It's just that Hayley - Do it, you maroon! - But She didn't like when you were a hanger-on.
But if you were the one others were hanging onto, Hayley would eat it up! Like a Big Bite Motley-Q Sandwich - dripping with donkey sauce! - She said Remember, this is coming from your future number-one toadie, so you know I'm giving it to you straight.
I think you're right.
This is something I need to do.
Fieri, I accept your offer to run the empire.
Gangster choice.
To the new Guy Fieri! It looks like a hole-in-the-wall from the outside, but if you like greasy, gloopy, home-style cooking served by ordinary people, you've come to the right place.
Welcome to the Smith house, the kind of joint where you can throw peanut shells right on the floor.
Jeff! You said you were going to quit! Quiet, please! No shirt, no shoes, no problem! Jeff! Our room! Now! You promised promised you would quit the Pesto Crew.
As long as we're gonna flap our lips, why don't we scarf something? Why don't we take an entire sea bass, slice it down the middle, slather it with my signature spicy ketchup, and wash it down with some icy-cold Cervezas? Jeff! You crossed a serious line in our relationship.
See, this is what I love.
Talking to real people about real things.
That's my America.
Please, I need you to listen.
No! No! I am not gonna fist bump! Jeff, I feel betrayed.
Our marriage is in trouble.
Dog house alert.
What is this? I don't think I know who you are anymore [Sobbing] Dang, I warned him his marriage was in danger, but he just wouldn't listen.
Yesterday I ate something pickled, and I was like, "Ooh!" Jeff, this breaks my heart more than you can imagine, but I can't stand seeing my daughter so miserable.
This Guy Fieri thing you're doing [Sighs] it has to end.
Time to unspike that hair.
But your stupid hat covers all.
Jeff, what is going on? Talk to me! Sammy Hagar likes poblano peppers.
Take those stupid glasses off! My God, there's something supernatural happening.
But what?! This bathroom is the bomb.
You should fry some baloney in here.
There's something extremely strange happening with Jeff.
I can't explain it, but I do know one thing When you have questions, there's only one place to get answers the Public Library.
I could have sworn this homeless shelter was once a library.
It is a library.
In that case, I'm looking for information on Guy Fieri.
Let's start by cross-referencing it with anything supernatural Volume seven.
Time-Life's "Mysteries of the Unknown" series.
"The Eternal Fieri.
" Bingo.
"Guy Fieri is a mischievous ancient demon "who has existed since the dawn of mankind.
"The demon survives by taking control of a human body.
"Once inside, it eats its weight in food "every four-and-a-half days.
"When diabetes inevitably sets in, "the demon must exit the body and migrate into a younger one.
"And so it continues its never-ending quest for bold flavors, boisterous compadres, pinkie rings" My God.
The demon has moved into Jeff.
Jeff is Guy Fieri.
Do you have "Infinite Jest?" Francine, you need to brace yourself.
That's not Jeff.
- That's a demon.
- What up, goose? And the only way to remove the demon is to return it to where it was born long ago Flavortown.
- Jeff's a demon? - Speed it up, Francine.
By now you should be shocked that Flavortown is a real place.
And it really is.
Which is why I'm taking Jeff there now.
Hey, want to boogie down the shore - for a little bit of sizzle? - We talking road trip? Big bonanza style.
I'll take this to-go, Big Mama.
[Tires squeal] [Insects chirping, animals calling] It says Flavortown should be somewhere around here.
I'll tell you one thing, this is Frito pie weather.
Hey! Good-looking dude.
[Rumbling] This mack daddy's got the munchies! I'm home.
Oh, dang! I left my special driving cane in that Acura TL.
Oh, did you, Klaus? Then what's this? Bro, you are literally giving me back my life right now.
Hmm, my throat's a little dry.
A nice cool glass of water should hit the spot.
Roger, did you hear that? Am I losing it? If you're losing it, I'm losing it, buddy.
I love your outfit.
I have to have you.
This is more like it.
So, straight to your place? - [Tires screech] - Uh, going a little fast for the turn, aren't you? What the [bleep]! [Chuckles] Oh, sorry, sir.
We just park your vehicle.
We don't actually keep track of where they are.
This guy lost our cars! We want our cars! Well, you get death! Hyah! Whoa! Francine: Steve, I see your light on! You reading that "Valet the Vanquisher" again? No, Mom! Moms don't need to know everything.
It says here, "To remove the demon, "the host body must be washed in the source of the demon's power.
" But what is the source? [Deep voice] Ahh, the source of my power.
Whoa! Are you full demon now?! I was forged in this spicy habanero mango-infused queso, the first element of all God's creation.
So, it's good? I can never know.
For if I sip from the pool, it will destroy me, the demon Fieri, for all of eternity.
[Gasps] For Jeff to come back, Guy Fieri has to die? But I like you way better than Jeff.
You are a true G.
How I lust to taste this.
The only flavor I will never get down with.
Why can't Hayley love this Jeff, the perfect Jeff? But she doesn't.
[Sighs] [Waves crashing] Mr.
Fieri, I have an idea.
May I taste the queso for you? That, my friend, would put the shamalama in ding dong.
I knew it! Tell me how it tastes.
It's good.
Give me more than that, brother! Well, it has a yellow-y, kind of melted taste Your words fail you, mortal! Oh, I know now! It doesn't taste like paint.
What the hell's that even Get out of my way! Mmm! These spices are off the hook.
Habanero's totally legit.
Mmm, now I'm getting big hits of that mango tango.
Grease-dribbling-down-the-chin good.
His beautiful words.
They'll be lost forever.
I've called things money before, but this is money! [Gurgling] I've made a terrible mistake! Mr.
Fieri?! Guy? Is this you? Hey, Mr.
! Nooooo! He wasn't a demon, he was an angel! So your husband's a demon.
There are good demons.
There's that fellow from Boston Matt Demon.
Speed demons They're rarely late.
[Door opens] Here's your stupid husband.
Jeff! What are you covered in? The cheese was a portal, babe! Ohh.
And while I was traveling through the cheese portal, I did some serious thinking.
I realized the only identity I ever need is to be the man who loves you and maybe a little weed on the side.
[Voice breaking] Oh, Jeff Where the [bleep] were you during Family War?! Have a great night!