American Dad s14e16 Episode Script

1 [Snoring.]
[Groaning.]
[Rooster crows.]
- [Beck's "Mixed Bizness" plays.]
- [Screams.]
I'm mixing business with leather Christmas with Heather Freaks flock together - And make all the be-boys scream - All right All right Turn it up now Turn it up now All right All right Turn it up now Jackie Kanken poorly-reviewed eBay seller.
Eric Reynolds tall fifth-grader.
Quentin Poundridge Puerto Rican hand model.
All right All right Turn it up now Turn it up now All right All right Turn it up now Lord, what a day.
I have earned my Bud Light Chelada, I'll tell you that much.
So, what's happening? Not happy hour, that's for sure.
It ended four minutes ago.
Geez, Stan, okay.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to pay two extra bucks for the jalapeño poppers, like I'm George friggin' Soros over here.
What what's that bump on your forehead? This? Oh, it's nothing.
Just an ingrown eyebrow hair.
Listen, I'm sorry I was late, but I promise you now have my undivided attention.
It's just that I always go out of my way to show up on time when For the next four seconds.
Three, two, one.
Okay, gotta go.
Few more items to cross off the old to-do list.
Late! Nacho Bartiromo serial killer.
Hyah! [Shrieks.]
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Oh, boy, it's swell to say Damn it, Roger! [Horn honks.]
You snooze, you lose, Stan! I'm taking your spot today! [Laughing.]
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Oh! Looks like they're putting in a new Yankee Candle this fall.
Not too shabby.
Roger, I have been looking all over town for you.
[Both speaking Mandarin.]
[Both shouting in Mandarin.]
She's the love of my life, but good grief, can she be a handful.
Every single day, I get out of bed and sing my good morning song so that I can face the coming workday with gusto, zest, and most importantly, of course, verve.
And all I ask of you is Geez, Roger, you sure you don't want to get that thing on your head checked out? What, this? I told you, it's nothing.
Look, I'm sorry I flaked on your little song, but I've been feeling a little sluggish lately.
Probably because you're goofing off all the time doing your "personas.
" Goofing off? I'll have you know I got up at 4:30 this morning to get into character as Russian banana inspector Olladouis Goofoff.
Does that sound like goofing off to you? I never flake on you, and I have a real job.
What I do matters.
What I do matters, too! Oh, right, it really matters whether or not you run around all day, blowing guys.
That is only a very large part of what I do.
People depend on my personas, Stan.
It might not seem like it, but this town would fall apart without me.
Come on, Eu-Meh.
Let's go to the Disney Store and take a nap on that big Simba.
Ugh! [Upbeat jazz plays.]
It don't mean a thing If it ain't got that swing Do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wah Skiddily-diddly-deet-da Skee-ba-da-dee-dat-oh Bobbity-sku, bobbity-sku A hamba-beeba-seepah, da dee dat Diddily-diddily-diddily-diddily-doh Smith, that sweet and sassy speed-scatting is exactly why I asked you to join the swing choir.
The honor is all mine.
Every since I got to Pearl Bailey, it's been a dream of mine to join Jazzma Attack.
Well, we're gonna be counting on that mile-a-minute mouth magic of yours at the State finals.
Now hit the showers, maggots! [Water running.]
[Inhales deeply.]
[Gasps.]
Are you doing drugs?! I'm doing what it takes for Jazzma Attack to succeed.
You gotta juice that scat speed if you want to compete at a State level.
And you better take 'em, too, kid, unless you're not truly committed to swing choir.
Easy, Tyler.
As the old saw goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
Well put, Marcus.
Get with the program, Smith.
Even your buddy Barry is mainlining testosterone to get that boomin' bass-y baritone.
Shh.
[Deep voice.]
Nobody tell.
Wait, the dog's name is Marmaduke? 'Sup, my ninjas?! Jesus, Roger! Oh, my God! Do you want me to call you an ambulance? Why? Planning on making that meat loaf of yours tonight? [Laughs.]
Man.
Roger, you have a tumor on your head.
You need to see a doctor.
What? Why?! I'm fine.
Plus, I just have so much to do.
[Grunts.]
Alexa, what's left on my schedule for today? Klaus: You have a 3:15 as traveling nurse DeAndre Comadendo.
- Then after that - Klaus? Did you hollow out Roger's Echo? What?! No way! I'm not Klaus.
It's me, Alexa, bro! Alexa, who was the fourth emperor of the Ming Dynasty? Um Chickety-China, the Chinese chicken.
Huh.
That could be right.
[Sniffing.]
Who's scorching all that copper wire? Smells great.
[Grunts.]
Roger, listen to me.
[Distorted.]
You need to go to a doctor right now! You could be dying.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
That's you.
[Laughs.]
Well, on you catch the side flip.
Roger: [Grunts.]
What happened? Roger, you almost died.
We got you to Dr.
Kalgary in just the nick of time.
Yes.
One scant moment longer, and this festering mass of disease would surely have claimed your soul for the damned.
By the way, can I offer you a La Croix or something? Billy?! Get our guest a La Croix! There's no cold ones! What?! Why didn't you put any in earlier?! You left an empty case in here! I don't have X-ray vision! Yes, you do, Billy! [Growls.]
Billy, sometimes you just make me so mad! Can I keep that? Sure! Whoop! Don't try to get up.
You're in an extremely fragile state.
You'll need absolute rest and relaxation for several days! Anything we can do to help while you recover, Roger, we'll do it.
Right, Stan? Absolutely anything.
Just name it.
Good.
Because, Stan, I need you to take over my personas.
Ohhhhhh, shiiiiiit! Stan, thanks again for taking time off from work to cover my personas.
It'll really put my mind at ease while I'm convalescing at the famed Chimdale Hot Springs.
My cousin committed suicide there.
It's beautiful.
All of my personas are of crucial importance.
Messing up even the tiniest detail could have disastrous consequences.
Uh-huh.
Tiniest detail, got it.
Now, before you put on any of my costumes, you'll first need to get into this alien skin body suit.
It hides who you really are so the personas are all that people see.
Right, right, cool.
Oh, and stay out of this box over here.
It's full of some personal stuff I don't want you getting into.
Retired characters, my mineral rights, "Cougartown" DVD box set signed by Larry Bird.
Did Dick and Buckle go to Houston together? Yeah.
Tuttle's mom lives there.
Stan, are you paying attention? Yeah, Roger, I got it.
I'm gonna put on a stupid gray suit, dance around like an idiot, and do everything on your dumb list.
Technically, that's correct, but I'm not liking your attitude.
You're not taking this seriously.
I guess I'll just have to stay and do it myself.
[Groans.]
Careful, Roger! Geez! All right! I promise I'll take it seriously.
Okay.
Then I'm off.
Be a doll and hand me my tumor.
I've gotten kind of attached to it.
I even gave it a name Rogu! Ain't he cute? Kiss him! Come on, kiss him.
I'm not leaving till you give him a little kiss.
I will not kiss him.
Well, then I'll kiss him.
Now, if you kiss me, it'll be like you kissed him.
What do you think of that, Rogu? Now I don't come lightly to tattling, sir, but, well, while I myself am not, some members of Jazzma Attack are taking swing-enhancing drugs.
This is extremely disturbing news, Smith.
When it comes to drugs, I have a zero-tolerance policy for not taking them! [Piano keys pound.]
Was your desk a piano before? My office has always been like this! State is right around the corner.
And we're going up against our arch rivals from Virginia Beach High, Jazz Good Jazz It Gets, "It" In This Case Being Jazz.
So it goes without saying I need a "W" here.
You either take the drugs or you don't take the stage.
Now, Steve, what do you think about this? Just a little something I've been working on? Hmm.
The love of a woman Is a strange beast That's all I've got so far.
I'm hoping to sell it to Disney for one of their cartoons.
Okay, Ronald Peechotka, baseball card guy.
Whip down display cases.
Check.
Talk up the Steve Balboni rookie card by the register, frequently using the word "cherry" as an adjective.
[Whistles.]
Hey, how 'bout this Balboni here, eh? Sweet as a cherry.
Sure is.
Okay, Ron, I'm gonna have to lock up here in about five for lunch.
What? Do I not work here? What?! No! I work here.
You're just some creep.
This is so pointless! Roger: It is not pointless! Roger? Where are you? In the serenity suite at the legendary Chimdale Hot Springs Hotel and Spa.
I sewed an ear piece into your skin suit.
Now, go ask Randy if you can use his phone to make a long-distance call.
Ugh! I can handle your workload without any help.
[Gasps.]
Stan, I just saw a deer! Or is that an elk? Or a moose? A horse? Oh, it's a picnic table.
Stan? [Clang, splash.]
That's odd? [Beck's "Mixed Bizness" plays.]
- - All right Andy Glan, former J.
Crew employee.
[Panting.]
Dr.
Dante Octavarius, seahorse breeder.
Chunk Dunkirk, incontinent jai alai instructor.
"Incontinent jai alai instructor"? Incontinent jai alai instructor.
All right, I'm calling it! Well? Who puts the meth into Beth, my best alto? Who gives the 'rone that makes Barry very baritone? Yes, it's me Now, Smith, take these P.
E.
D.
s You have to for the good of the whole team Yeah [Brakes squeak.]
- Long day? - Yeah.
And I didn't even get halfway through Roger's stupid list.
"Doug Nugget, unlicensed grief counselor.
Take rollerblades in for repair.
" It's all even more pointless than I thought.
"Take rollerblades in for repair.
" - [Crickets chirping.]
- [Italian accent.]
Well, it's time to face the fact.
Doug Nugget's not coming.
We won't be able to afford Ma's surgery.
This ain't right! You want breast implants, Ma, I'll get you the money! [Door beeps.]
Gimme all the money! [Register dings.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! Oh, God! [Italian music plays.]
Liquor store we run protection on just got hit.
Had to be the Russians.
We strike back hard.
I don't know if Johnny Lasagna'd be too keen on that.
Well, Johnny Lasagna ain't here, is he?! [Engine cranking.]
Ach.
Borschky dorshky.
I'm okay! [Russian folk song plays.]
Borschky dorshky! Had to be the Irish.
[Starts engine.]
O'borschky o'dorshky! This means war! ["Good Morning, U.
S.
A.
" begins.]
[Sirens wail, gunshots.]
Greg: It seems to have all started with a botched robbery committed by the desperate son of a humble rollerblade cobbler.
- Tale as old as time.
- [Screaming in distance.]
Good morning U.
S.
A.
[Siren wailing, gunshots.]
Stan, the town is falling apart! Just call Roger up, admit that his personas do matter, and ask him what to do.
No! I can still handle this.
I'll just finish the list now, and then everything will go back to normal.
Oh, sick! No way! - Oh! - Get a grip, man! It's too late! There's not one thing you can do to fix things now! Although, there may be one thing [Gunshots continue.]
Hey, Franny.
I'm back from the hot springs and feeling better than ever.
And I saw a picnic table! Roger, thank God! Listen, Stan fell behind doing all your All your personas, and then everything went to hell, and now the n-now the whole I'm sorry, what in the living [bleep.]
is that? Oh, isn't it great? My tumor came to life, and now I've got a little homunculus.
His name's Rogu.
Rogu.
'Sup, Hayley? This is my homunculus Rogu.
Jeff, my homunculus Rogu.
No need to worry about the chaos outside, Franny.
I kind of figured something like this would happen.
I was so sick of Stan saying what I did didn't matter.
I wanted him to see for himself how much it does.
Rogu love Daddy.
[Retches.]
[Munching.]
He loves his blue stuff.
I promise I will fix everything just as soon as I get all these turquoise knick-knacks put away.
I scored at the hot springs [Gasps.]
Rogu, are you seeing what I'm seeing? Stan dressed up in the tough-guy outfit he found in there and went out to deal with all the mob bosses.
We're all in great danger! That's not just any tough-guy, it's [Whispering.]
Ricky Spanish.
That's right, bitches! Ricky Spanish is back! And it's all thanks to Klaus.
Who's your least-favorite character now, Reddit? [Mafia music plays.]
Gentlemen, if we divvy up the town, a truce could be beneficial to all of us.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ho ho ho ho ho hee hee.
Milton Berle once said, "Laughter is an instant vacation.
" He had a real thick hog.
Did you guys know that? Ricky Spanish?! What the hell are you doing here? [Dramatic music plays.]
[Mobsters coughing.]
[Whispering.]
Licky Anus.
That was supposed to say "Ricky Spanish.
" Good work, Stan.
Now the town can go back to normal if you'll just take off the Ricky Spanish costume.
No.
I'm not taking off the costume.
I'm taking over the town! And unleashing utter chaos! [Whispering.]
Ricky Spanish.
Ricky Spanish.
[Elephant trumpets.]
Ricky Spanish [Cow moos.]
[Sirens wailing.]
- [Roars.]
- [Screaming.]
Uh, check, please.
Am I using that correctly? Roger, you have to stop him.
Right.
And I only have one persona as powerful, as dangerous - [Burps.]
- Oh, cute! As apocalyptic destructive as Ricky Spanish.
[Helicopter blades whirring, dramatic music plays.]
[Whistling.]
Hey, Spanish! Well! If it isn't my arch-nemesis Jeannie Gold.
Yes, it is I incontinent wedding planner Jeannie Gold, who is, of course, also your sister! [Gasps.]
So many things make sense now.
Your reign of terror ends now.
[Screams.]
[Groans.]
[Screaming.]
[Groaning.]
It don't mean a thing If it ain't got that swing Do-wap, do-wap, do-wap Do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wah Zwabada-hommina Biddyguh-goudy doo Zipbap-zipbap, boo Ziddy-dooddily-boodily- dooddilly-boodily hey A-ziddily-doddily-boodily, goddily, hey A-doodle-dop-beetle, skee-ba-ba-dee-bum Diddily-diddily-diddily- diddily-doh, ba-dow A-zup bop, bee-dop, dee-dop a diddly-oop Beetle-op doodly, hey Hey, be-dop, be-dop zoop bop diddle-hey [Singing scat gibberish quickly.]
[Scatting.]
[Scatting continues.]
[Scatting continues.]
[Scatting continues.]
[Scatting continues, increasing in speed.]
[Rapid scatting continues.]
[Rapid scatting continues.]
Bop [Dramatic music plays.]
[Groaning.]
Rogu: Rogu save daddy.
[Whispering.]
Rogu Spanish.
Rogu! Did you make that little Ricky Spanish outfit all by yourself? That is so clever.
He's clearly very advanced.
Some people Holy shit! [Grunting.]
Oh, phew, it's not blood.
That's just the polymer gel from the suit's lining that gives it its you know, alien properties.
[Grunting.]
[Gasping.]
I see.
The power of the costume infected the skin suit, too, so you had to strip it off completely.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Ooh! [Scatting rapidly.]
[Scatting continues.]
Somebody needs some morphine.
Ah! Ah, what the hell some for you, too.
[Scatting slows.]
I love jazz! Hey [Crickets chirping.]
Okay.
I'll admit it, Roger.
Your personas do matter.
Thanks, Stan.
But you know what really matters to me? You.
So from now on, I'm gonna make more time for us.
But how? You have so much to do.
My body gave me a solution.
It sensed I had too much to do, so that's why it gave me Rogu to help take over some of my workload.
That's something your race does? Apparently.
Brock, what's up with you today? We're dying here.
What's the play? Rogu do bootleg.
There's the old gunslinger! Bye! Have a great time!