American Dad s14e17 Episode Script

The Legend of Old Ulysses

1 Let me tell you a story that few live to tell 'Bout a thousand-year-old fish Surely sent from hell Spawn of a demon whale and a drunk King Kong He's as big as a bus with a 12-foot dong With a 12-foot dong Just his sideways glance smashes men to bits He takes hundred-year naps and two-ton shits And two-ton shits He's the beast from beneath and king of the fishies He goes by the name of old Ulysses Old Ulysses Born in a volcano Old Ulysses, Old Ulysses Will kill everyone you know [Slurping] Ahh.
I never understood why only little girls got to have tea parties.
They are a wonderful way to unwind after a stressful day.
I know you drank my last Monster Energy drink! You ruined my special plans.
I was gonna drink it after Francine went to sleep and make prank calls all night long.
It wasn't me.
My sensitive tummy can't handle that stuff.
I have to water down my Sprite.
This wasn't just a regular Monster Energy drink, Steve.
This was Baller's Blend Punch, Steve! A high-performance fuel inspired by the streets and optimized for the true baller.
Oh, wait.
- You're a fake-ass baller, if anything.
- Ahh! Well, I won't keep you from your little tea party.
Later, cucks.
Geez.
Your dad's a real jerk.
Eh, he's just telling it like it is.
But I don't mind.
Tomorrow we leave for our annual trip to Possum Lake.
All I have in my room is a Burger King wrapper I taped to the wall.
A wee bit of color in my otherwise drab life.
Yeah, at Possum Lake there are all these father-son events hot-dog-eating contest, chicken fights, and a big boat race at the end of the week.
My dad is always so proud of me up there because all we do is win.
Geez, Steve, you're starting to make me wish my dad wasn't dead.
Oh you're really gonna wish your dad wasn't dead when you hear this.
Up there, we never have to shower.
We just take some Pert Plus into the lake.
Lake baths? [Tab snaps] [Slurps] Ew, you nasty.
- [Water splashes] - Klaus: Oh, no, Baller's Blend in my bowl? I can't afford to party for days.
I have plans! Errr-ohhhhh, yeah! Get it, boy! Now I've got the edge I need, whether I'm hitting the clubs or hitting the courts! Spawn of a demon whale and a drunk King Kong Francine, Haley: He's as big as a bus with a 12-foot dong Why have I never had a jaunty song written about me? I'm over 1,600 years old.
Where's my song? Isn't Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine" written about you? No, I've come to realize that I slept with a different Richard Sambora.
Well, I couldn't be more excited for Possum Lake.
This is the first year I've been able to make the trip.
I thought this was the first time we ever invited you to come along.
- I didn't invite him.
- Who invited him? Oh, look! The lake.
- Wanna lay out and tan for a bit? - Sure.
Hey, I have an idea for a film adaptation of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You wanna hear about it? Of course.
It's the year 3000.
Marbles are scarce and hippos are used only for sex.
[Glass tinging] A giant, freshwater lake? [Menacing chord plays] I can finally ditch my bowl and be free to roam around wherever I please.
Freeeeeeedommm! [Laughs] [Growls] Oh, crap.
Crowd: [Chanting] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! - How much time left, Possum Dave? - Two hours.
Time to kick it into high gear! [Munching] [Chanting continues, rhythmic clapping] [Horn blows] Stan and Steve are our winners! [Cheers and applause] Nobody beats the best We're super good, yeah, uh-huh Did you know that some people stretch by themselves? Those poor souls.
- [Bones crack] - Ahh.
Snot: Here we are.
Snot? Tuttle? In the flesh.
Hey, Snot.
But what are you doing here? Hearing you talk about this trip with your dad made me so jealous.
I decided I had to find a father of my own.
I was inspired by one of my favorite romantic comedies.
[Phone ringing] Radio host: Hello, you're on the air.
Lonely in Langley? That's what she called him on the show.
Says here the kid's already gotten over two thousand letters.
Ugh.
No leads on a dad, but we got another clue from the Zodiac Killer.
You're gonna slip up sooner or later, you son of a bitch.
What is wrong with me? I'm obsessed with some boy I've never even met.
What I really don't want to do is end up always wondering what might have happened and knowing I could have done something.
[Exhales deeply] Maybe he found a better dad.
[Button clicks] [Elevator dings] It's you.
It's me Tuttle.
It was a pretty wild day and a half.
Well, I should go help my da Tuttle unpack.
So, Tuttle and Snot, huh? I guess that makes sense.
They're both very "New York".
[Door opens] - After you.
- After you.
- Unh.
- Unh.
They seem a little awkward around each other.
Maybe we should help them out.
- Oh can we, Papa? - Let's do it.
And I know the perfect thing for two fellas trying to bond.
Lake baths! It's weird.
Tuttle and Snot seem even more awkward around each other now that they're naked and in a public lake.
[Can clanks] I'm so bored.
Ugh, and now a boring bird is on my shoulder.
Actually, I'm a human who's been turned into a bird by an evil corp [Squawks] So boring! I can't believe our tour guide never showed up.
What are we gonna do now? [Bright chord plays] Sorry I'm late.
I'm your tour guide, Wheelie Pedalaton.
But it says our guide is named Schwinn Chafecrotch.
Really? That's a good one.
So, hi, I'm Schwinn Chafecrotch.
Everyone on your bikes! If you can't keep up, you will be left behind! Ahhh! I fell in the sticker bush.
Just gonna rub this leaf on my wounds as a topical ointment.
Uhp, that's poison ivy.
Well, these organic mushrooms should fix that.
[Chewing] Argh! [Splash] Why don't we go around in a circle and say where we're all from.
Hey, you guys gonna do the father-son chicken fight, too? Yeah! We saw it on the activities list and thought it sounded fun.
Hey, that's super.
Yeah, good for you guys.
So, I've been wondering, who puts on all these activities? Uh, the same company that's behind everything great in America.
Announcer: Halliburton.
"American Dad!" salutes Halliburton and all the wonderful things they secretly fund.
They're behind all your favorite things.
They control everything! All hail, Halliburton.
Don't cross them or they'll turn you into a bird.
- [People playing] - Ohh! Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chicken fight! Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chicken fight! When a son is on a dad, things are all right! Oopsie! Sorry.
Not very stable.
You're the most stable man I have in my life.
- Really? - Yeah! [Laughter] Snot and Tuttle: Hahhhhhh! Stan and Steve: Ahhh! [Cheers and applause] [Muffled cheers and applause] Muffled: That's my ribbon.
[Muffled music playing] Nobody beats the best Muffled: Whoa, they're doing your dance! I'm going up for air, Possum Dave.
Don't follow me.
I'll do my own scalp.
But we always do each other's scalps.
Is this about the chicken fight? Of course it's about the chicken fight! No, I don't mind that you're Jewish.
I hope you're okay with me being a Wiccan.
Steve, come on.
Today is a whole new day with all new activities for us to crush.
Tuttle and Snot just got lucky.
They blind sided us and they did it right in our face.
Hmm, maybe you're right.
Of course I am.
You really think "Tuttle" and "Snot" are any match for us? Now let me at that scalp.
There we go.
Don't worry.
We're gonna win like crazy today.
We lost every single event! They made us look like chumps out there! [Grunts] You like looking like a chump? No.
[Birds chirping] Ugh, still not dark enough.
I'm an "Autumn Bronze", but I want to be a "Dried Tobacco".
Sunscreen? What, are you trying to scare the sun? We need to wine and dine the sun.
Show a little skin.
That's what he likes.
That is what I like.
See? You're doing great.
Just throw that leg over.
When you talk, you move the bike.
So, our tour guide can't ride a bicycle? Best way to learn is to teach.
But we all know how to ride.
Then why'd you hire an expert cyclist? Oh, sticker bush! Oh, fire ants! Oh, sticker bush! There's even more fire ants in here! [Wind blowing, birds chirping] All this open water, Klaus must be having the time of his life.
[Screaming] [Bear roaring, electricity crackling] Who cares about all those dumb contests? The only thing that really matters is the big boat race tomorrow.
We bring home that trophy, then we're still the real winners, right, Dad? Absolutely.
And we're going to win for sure.
Tuttle doesn't even know how to sail.
[Enya's "Orinoco Flow" plays] What's that sound? [Sighs] It's "Orinoco Flow".
Sail away, sail away, sail away I just learned how to sail! - [Wind gusts] - Aw, man! I'm sick of losing! There's only one solution we have to break up Snot and Tuttle.
We can't do that.
Snot's your best friend.
- Fine, fine, I won't.
- Good.
Hey, you think Francine's still got it? I hate that the sun is setting.
I know! I want to keep tanning! You know, I heard a rumor once that stars are actually suns.
Then I say we keep sun tanning.
I think you mean star tanning.
[Laughing] [Laughing intensifies] [Both crying] Have we had any water today? Tuttle: You gotta let me explain, SnottySnot! Oh, I think I get it! Steve.
I know what you did this summer! - Eh? - You broke up Tuttle and Snot, didn't you? I did what had to be done.
I broke them up with a page out of their own book a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan rom-com.
[Gasps] "Joe Versus the Volcano"! No, "You've Got Mail".
The worst one.
I seduced Tuttle online, presenting myself as a better, more appealing son than Snot.
[Chuckles] The rest was easy.
Tuttle: I turn on my computer.
I go online.
And my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words - You've got mail.
- You've got mail.
Movie Trailer Guy: In a city where everyone is looking for someone, Tuttle and Steve have discovered the best way to meet someone is to never meet at all.
I know I'm in a relationship with Snot.
I'm just e-mailing with this other kid.
It's really nothing.
But I might be falling for him.
What they don't realize is that one of them is just a huge dick.
- Hey! - What? You're ruining your best friend's life all to win a stupid boat race.
Uh, the Possum Lake Regatta is not stupid.
Do you even hear yourself right now? Wait, you're a bird? We're all gonna be birds! Don't you get it? Don't you see what Halliburton is doing [Gunshot, glass cracks] [Thud] My plan worked perfectly.
Tuttle fell in love with me, this morning, Snot found all the secret e-mails, and now they're in a huge fight.
[Crying] With Tuttle and Snot out of the way, we'll win for sure now.
Don't you want to taste it again? Taste what? The winning! The delicious taste of winning.
Gobble, gobble! I don't want to win like this.
I'm sorry, but I can't do the Possum Lake Regatta with you, Steve.
Well, don't worry.
With that attitude, I don't want to do the race with you! [Crying continues] Tuttle, will you be my partner for the big boat race? - Sure, but - Great, shut up! Whoa! Did you see that? The back seat of Tuttle's Ford Probe is full of weathered prosthetic limbs.
Let's build a guy! Collinsworth: A tradition unlike any other, the sporting event of the summer This is The Possum Lake Boat Race.
I'm Kenny "The Jet" Smith with Cris Collinsworth.
- [Gunshot] - That's the start of the race.
Let's take you down to the action live for the start of our 14 hours of coverage 14 hours? [Indistinct chatter] This boat is amazing.
Plus it has a mini-fridge packed with every drink you could ever imagine.
I can imagine rainbow juice.
Oh, I miss Snot.
[Metal clanking, wind blowing] Huh, was Steve the one who knew how to sail? Look at me! Are you looking? You're doing great, honey! Oh, people! Thank God.
Who are you? I'm Schwinn Chafecrotch.
Isn't that your name, honey? Barbara, I love when you call me honey.
I was walking in the woods when I was attacked by the Possum Lake monster! Old Ulysses from the song? No, this was a land-based monster whose song has yet to be written.
It had a big, swollen head.
No nose.
Droopy witch-belly.
Long, probing fingers.
I'll never forget the disgusting feel of that gray, papery skin.
Okay, that's enough.
You can't blame this poor, land-based monster for the dry mountain air.
And "monster", that's a bit of a loaded word, isn't it? - The words we use matter.
- But it attacked him.
Oh, don't be such a stupid bitch, Barbara.
- [People gasps] - I won't apologize.
I think this two-day bike lesson is over.
You think this is over? This is far from over! Because this land-based monster never forgets.
That's right, I'm admitting it.
And you fools made a terrible mistake You taught the monster to ride a bike.
[Chain clicking] Mm-hmm.
They should call it Pricker Lake.
I ain't seen one possum 'round here, I'll tell you that.
Looks like Steve and Tuttle are going to win this one easily.
They've already started their victory dance.
Nobody beats the best We're super good, yeah, uh-huh Collinsworth: Wait a second.
It looks like one of our competitors is having some sort of revelation.
My God.
What have I done? Tuttle, I don't think I can do this.
[Creature growls] No way.
I-It can't be.
Yes, it is.
It's real.
It's Old Ulysses, Old Ulysses Will kill everyone you know [Menacing music plays] [Old Ulysses growling] [People screaming] Think fast, Stan, what do we do? What do fish hate? Well, I know what fans of the band Phish hate deodorant.
Zing! Ah crap, I wasted all my time on that perfect zinger! God of Jokes, I've earned your protection! We have to turn around and help my dad! But we're about to win! I don't care about winning.
I have to save my dad! - Ah! - I'm coming, Dad! [Growls] [Screeches] [Gasps] Steve.
You saved me.
Great, now save me! [Menacing chord plays] [Laughs] [Clears throat] [Both screaming] [Bear roaring, electricity crackles] [Old Ulysses growling] - [Clank] - Dad! Oh, no, wake up! Oh, if only there was something powerful enough Every drink you could ever imagine.
Every drink you could ever imagine.
That's it! Thanks, Tuttle! Stay out of the back seat of my Probe.
[Tab snaps] [Echoing] Baller's Blend! Alright! [Deep voice] Let's do this! [Normal voice] No.
We're stronger together.
[Menacing chord plays] Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi - Chicken fight! - [Old Ulysses screeching] Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chicken fight! When the son is on the dad, things are all right! [Screeching continues] We did it! Well, I was helping, too.
I was punching him from the inside.
Got in some good licks.
Hey, this fish is funny! The chapter of Old Ulysses is over.
Thus, a new chapter begins.
Our star tanning has given us great powers.
It is time for the gods to leave this realm.
[Both moaning] [Laughs] Every year.
[Whistling] Sorry, Dad.
I guess I kinda ruined our trip.
What are you talking about? It was amazing.
I got to kill a mythical fish.
I just don't understand why you got so obsessed with winning.
I was worried that if we started losing, we would also lose that special bond that we have up here.
Special bond? Yeah, you're so happy up here because we're always winning.
No, I'm happy because I'm not working.
I hate work.
I wish I was a baby again.
I probably should go apologize to Snot now.
I'm so sorry, Snot.
I really messed up.
No, I messed up.
I butted in on your special trip with your dad.
I guess I'm just jealous of what you guys have.
Hey, listen.
If you ever want to join me and my dad for a camping weekend, all we gotta do is ask.
- Really? - Come on.
No.
Old Ulysses was killed by father and son Now the land-based monster's the only one Roger: I got my song! He skulks the woods with his lumbering gait Hey! Varicose veins and a balding pate Oh, come on.
This chinless creature with gnome-like features Gnome-like? You can smell his ass all over the lake! Well, that's true.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!