American Dad s14e21 Episode Script

Fleabiscuit

1 Narrator: The Chimdale Stakes is the first jewel in the Triple Crown of dog racing.
And this year's race is sure to be a thriller, pitting wily veterans like Bark Ruffalo against exciting newcomers like Fleabiscuit, a long shot at 20-1 odds.
Can any of these dogs win all three races? History is against them, as no dog has won the Triple Crown since some dog did it in 1943.
His name was Some Dog.
I know that sounds strange was the dog that came in second.
Perhaps it's the confusing names as to why dog racing never took off elsewhere came in third.
Babe, can you believe this? I'm so nervous.
Of course you're nervous.
Everything you've done has led you to this.
Sunday, buying the dog.
Monday, entering the race.
Tuesday, kind of taking the day off.
Wednesday, too.
And now it's Thursday! Yeah, it's Thursday! It's almost the weekend! What am I so nervous about? It's normal.
It's the big race.
Oh, God! Is it happening now?! This means so much to me! Up next, the 83rd running of the Chimdale Stakes, sponsored by Rick Heidleman a private citizen.
Huh.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Wow.
The Chimdale Stakes.
So much tradition and history and oh, look! A guy pukin' his guts out! This place is so fancy.
They even have their own signature drink.
It's called a "brass monkey.
" It's half a 40 with orange juice.
[Slurps] Very smoky.
Maybe it's the cigarette butt in the bottom.
I'm just glad you guys came out to support Jeff.
I'm so happy he's found something he's interested in.
So, I've never been to a dog track before.
How does this all work? The dogs race around the course by chasing after the rabbit over there.
Its name is Wizbo.
What?! That's a stuffed rabbit! Are dogs really that dumb? It doesn't even have eyes! Pop a couple raisins in its head! Make it look more realistic! [Sighs] You can complain about this, Klaus, or you can be a hero.
[Raisins rattle] Announcer: The dogs are in their traps, and we're ready to go here at Chimdale Stakes.
It's me, Tuttle, by the way.
If you didn't know my job before, now you know! I'm a dog-race announcer.
Another fact about me.
I've yet to form an opinion about gay marriage.
Hey, Francine! Who let the dogs out? I don't know.
The gatekeeper? There you go, Mr.
Wizbo.
You have such pretty eyes now.
Tuttle: And off goes the Wizbo! Aaah! - [Bell rings] - And there go the dogs! [Growling] [Screams] [Dogs snarling] Wait! They can't catch me! Hey, doggies! You want this butt? Come and get it, you dumb doggies! [Growling] So, as we come into the final bend, it's Bark Ruffalo with the lead, with Butt Stuff creeping in behind him.
And oh! Here comes Fleabiscuit on the outside! He's making a run for it! Oh, my God! Go, go, go! You got this, Fleabiscuit! And now Fleabiscuit is right on Bark Ruffalo's tail! Can he do it? It'll be close, but Fleabiscuit wins! Fleabiscuit wins! Wow! What a race! And finishing last is Butt Stuff.
A lot of Butt Stuff fans are gonna be sore tonight.
I can't believe we won! That was the most incredible rush I've ever had! It was better than sex! - Way! - And I just won $200.
I'm rich beyond belief.
And that was only the first race.
We can sit in the sun all day gambling and drinking.
This is gonna be great for us.
[Panting] Oh, my God.
That was the most exciting thing I've ever done.
I lost two raisins, but that's cool.
This place looks fancy.
I I don't know if they'll let Fleabiscuit in without a jacket.
Jeff, you won a huge race.
We should have a nice dinner out.
Oh, I'm sorry, but dogs aren't allowed in the restaurant.
Excuse me, sir, but this is Jeff Fisher, and his better half, Fleabiscuit.
The winners of the Chimdale Stakes! Get them a table right away! Absolument! Wow.
Thanks, Mayor Garfield.
Is this your wife? You know me.
It's Hayley.
We've had many adventures together.
Yes, yes, but I've erased all those memories to make new ones with Jeff! Now, Jeff, do you mind if we take a picture photo together using my cellphone cam-er-a? Sure! Umm Oh.
Hayley? You're uhh in the shot.
Do you mind moving? [Camera shutter clicking] Que haces? Vete a la cocina! [Camera shutter clicks] [Insects chirping] What a day at the races.
And that streak we went on after our first win.
Lost nine in a row.
All our money, my cellphone, and one of your shoes.
As I see it, we have two options.
We could go home and face the ridicule or live here forever.
Let's put it to a shoe vote.
The shoes have it.
Welcome home, baby.
It looks like I have the house all to myself.
That means I can have a little naked time.
Now, usually I don't do this, but I'mma go ahead and break it off with a little preview of my penis! Oh! [Camera shutters clicking] 'Sup, thug? What are you doing here? Oh, I'm the busboy for the restaurant.
Keeps me humble.
Busboyin' keeps me humble.
Looks like everyone's all over Jeff's dick since he won the Chimdale Stakes.
So, how's it feel - being the dud? - Dud? Every relationship has a stud and a dud.
You used to be the stud, but now you're just Drumroll? Dud-dud-dud-dud - Dud? - Wait for it.
- Dud-dud-dud-dud - You're gonna say "dud.
" - The dud! - Que haces? - Vete a la cocina! - This guy! He's always flirting with me.
[Cheering] And with Fleabiscuit's resounding win in the Lanceton Downs, he's just one win away from the Triple Crown.
If you didn't know the name Fleabiscuit before, you'll know it now! Just as you'll know his rising star trainer, Jeff Fisher! - [Cheering] - I know Jeff! He bones my daughter! 'Sup, dud.
- What are you - I'm the busboy for the tracks.
Keeps me humble.
Hayley, I can tell this is killing you, being the dud.
Maybe you should get your own dog in the race? Get the spotlight back on old headband? - I don't need the spot - Jeff! Tell us how you did it! Well, none of this would be possible without one person.
My one true inspiration.
Stephen from "The Real World: Seattle," who had the courage to throw that girl with Lyme disease's teddy bear into the ocean.
- [Dog barks] - You're lucky I have a relationship with a primo dog breeder.
Got champion dogs everywhere from Auckland to Dubai.
One of his pups just broke the 1,200-meter record in Macau last week.
Dude's name is Roland Speargrass Fergburger.
Oh, God.
You're gonna be the dog breeder, aren't you? Hayley, I'm not everyone.
But do you really think I'd be a dog breeder? Like I'd spend all my time hanging around a kennel with a bunch of dogs? Like I'd check them for fleas and clean out their cages and fill up their bowls every day? Me, the dog breeder? That's ridiculous, Hayley.
I'm the dog.
[Sniffing] Meh, I don't know if I want to go on this one.
Smells like someone already peed here.
Yep.
Tastes like pee.
Yuck.
So, how did you become a race dog? Hold on to your knockers 'cause it's a pretty heart-warming tale.
Narrator: He was originally cast as Eddie, the dog from "Frasier," but soon, he discovered his real talent running fast to escape the advances of Kelsey Grammer.
Nobody says no to the Gram-Man! You're saying Kelsey Grammer has sex with dogs? Yeah.
Niles bangs turtles.
Everyone in Hollywood knows this stuff.
Oh, hey, babe.
Hey, who's this? This is my new race dog.
His name's [Whispers] Ryan.
Ryan.
Really, that's it? I I didn't know you were racing now.
I figured since you could do it, I'd try it out.
O-okay, but racing's not easy.
Not everyone has what I have with Fleabiscuit.
We got a special bond, don't we, boy? [Smooching] Yeah, well, I've got a special bond with my dog, too.
[Smooching] Oh, Ryan! Oh, yeah, you're such a good boy, aren't you, Fleabiscuit? Oh, good boy! You're the best thing that's ever happened to me! Oh, yes, and you have a super active tongue! Oh, my! [Groaning] Okay, so we're gonna head home! [Humming] Or just go to the park.
Ugh.
Let's get to work! Ugh.
Fine.
But why does your mouth taste like beets? It's 9:00 a.
m.
Are you an early-morning beet eater? That's insane.
You're insane.
But I'm insane, too.
Insane for that big beet flavor! [Muffled scream] [Green Day's "Nice Guys Finish Last" plays] Nice guys finish last You're running out of gas - [Air horn blows] - Your sympathy will get you left behind Sometimes you're at your best When you feel the worst You feel washed up like piss going down the drain Not fast enough! One more lap! I wish I could, Haley, but Cheryl and Lindsay are going to the mall in an hour.
And if I don't go with them, they're just gonna talk shit about me the whole time.
- [Motor buzzing] - Look who took the last can of Diet A&W Cream Soda from your personal fridge? - [Barking] - Nice guys finish last When you are the outcast Don't pat yourself on the back You better run faster! I'm opening it! [Slurps] Ooh, it's a good batch, too! You're shaking lots of hands You're kissing up and bleeding all your trust Come on, Ryan! Taking what you need Bite the hand that feeds Whoo-hoo! You lose your memory, and you got no shame - Whoo-hoo! - Oh, nice guys finish last - [Growling] - When you run out of gas I won again! Where are my groupies at? I want to make love to you and never call you back, like a dog! [Song ends] Congratulations.
Your dog just qualified for the Langley Derby.
Oh, my God! Did you hear that, Ryan? We're going to the derby! [Moaning] Oh, so you're one of those dog owners? I'll let you two have your privacy.
[Moaning] [Slurping] Francine! Look what I just stole from people in the stands! A Velcro wallet, $13, and an Invisalign! See, the beauty of this thing is that it's impossible to see that I'm wearing it! And I pickpocketed so many tampons, I can have a period forever! God, I love living at the track with you! Let's do it in the dirt! [Moaning] Greg Corbin here with Chimdale Stakes and Lanceton Downs champion Fleabiscuit and his owner and trainer, Jeff Fisher.
- Hi, Jeff.
- Hi, Gerg! Jeff, you're one win away from the Triple Crown.
Tell me, what's your secret? Oh, well, I kind of just bring Fleabiscuit to the track and let him run, and that's pretty much it.
Well, between you and your wife, Hayley, there must be something in the water here.
That's right.
Wait, Hayley? Her dog, Ryan, is the newest entrant in the Langley Derby! Did you not know? Oh, my.
Your own wife competing against you.
Quick, zoom in.
See if we can get tears.
How does that make you feel? You know there's a zoom function on the camera, Charlie.
This is my way! Damn it.
Hayley's home.
But I need a healthy snack.
Looks like I got myself a naked challenge! [Door opens] You're racing against me? So what? It's not a big deal.
It's a huge deal! Why would you do this to me, Hayley?! I'm one win away from the Triple Crown! I know you think that you're a "big shot" now, but not everything is about you, Jeff! This is the most important race of my career! You don't even have a career! I know what this is about! I finally found something I'm good at, and you're trying to take it away from me! What?! [Scoffs] That's crazy.
You're jealous of me, so you're trying to horn in on my thing.
Well, sorry to break it to you, but it's not gonna work.
And why is your brother naked?! Whoa! You guys are so high.
You think this is really happening.
I'm still mad at you.
But I gotta admit, it's pretty cool that your brother draws on his pubic hair.
Roger.
I need you to win the derby.
- Mmkay.
- I need you to do anything to beat Fleabiscuit and win.
Do you understand me? - Anything! - Mm-hmm.
Well, I mean, anything except don't kill him or anything.
Hayley, who do you think I am?! Some kind of cold-blooded killer? I'm not a monster! Geez! [Sighs] I'm sorry, Roger.
- I-I didn't mean to - I'm just kidding.
You were right to clarify.
I would have I would have killed him.
["Call to the Post" plays] And good afternoon from the Langley Derby! Today, little Fleabiscuit goes for the Triple Crown! Will he have what it takes to lift that trophy? Oh, look.
There's a dog on it.
That seems right.
And here come the competitors! - [Cheers and applause] - There's Hot Chunks! Turtle Face! Cheesecake is my enemy! - Ryan! - Are we all good? Took care of it.
And last but certainly not least, the champion and heavy favorite, Fleabiscuit! [Cheers and applause] Fleabiscuit, are you all right, boy? What'd you do, poison him? God, no, I just slept with his girlfriend and showed him the video.
What do you think, huh? Oh, shoot.
I wanted to show you the one with music.
["William Tell Overture" playing] [Fleabiscuit whining] Good dog.
Now let's win this thing.
Great card today.
Even though Ryan's a roughie, I want him across the board.
How much you wanna wager? Three cough drops and, uh, six Altoids.
If you don't have money, then you can't place bets here.
What, is the Langley Derby too good for a Burger King coupon? [Gasps] Why didn't you say so, sir? Right this way to the BK Royalty Lounge! Oh, my gosh.
I should straighten up.
You're old.
- [Growls] - You're ugly.
- [Growls] - You smell like Funyuns.
- [Growls] - Your girlfriend's a slut.
- [Whines] - Actually, the Funyun smell's coming from you.
I'm sorry, dog number 3! I hope you win! [Motor buzzing] Who am I? I'm the Wizbo, bitch.
Tuttle: So! Will Fleabiscuit make history today? Do historians even follow dog racing? All these questions will be answered at the Langley Derby Racetrack and Check Cashing Emporium! - [Motor buzzing] - And off goes the Wizbo! [Laughs] Bite my ass, ass-biters! - [Bell rings] - And there go the dogs! - [Whining] - Oh, my.
It looks like the pressure's got to little Fleabiscuit.
He's barely running.
Fleabiscuit, what's wrong? And out to an early lead is Ryan.
Let's go, Ryan! Yeah! Who's the dog now? Tuttle: And starting to stretch the lead, it's Ryan! Yeah! Things are gonna be different now! [Laughs evilly] [Wistful music plays] Where did all the maniacal laughter go? That last one was a little sad.
Wait.
I don't want things to be different.
I don't understand.
I thought I was good at this.
Tuttle: And it's Ryan around the final bend.
Look at you stupid greyhounds.
You're so weird-looking.
That's why no one wants you as pets.
[Click] [Screech!] Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! Get him! I didn't mean any of it! I love dogs! No one respects dogs more than me! Aah! Oh, my goodness! The dogs have stopped racing and are now attacking the rabbit.
- [Growling] - Not the fins! Not the fins! Not the fins! [Screams] Tuttle: he only one not caught up in this madness, is Fleabiscuit! Oh, my God! Go, Fleabiscuit, go! Come on, Fleabiscuit, run! Babe, why are you rooting for Fleabiscuit? I'm not.
I'm rooting for you.
Fleabiscuit, do it for Darlene! Whoa, my love My darling I've hung I don't know what happened, but Fleabiscuit's finally turned it on! - [Growling] - Wait.
What am I doing? I'm not one of these idiot mutts.
I'm a frickin' alien.
I'm gonna win this race! And now Ryan's pulled himself out of the dog pile! He's got his sights on the finish line! Ryan's oh-so-close, but he's hot-dogging it down the stretch.
[Cheering] They're loving this! Let's see.
What else? Oh, moonwalk.
Oh, crap.
[Cheers and applause] He's done it! Fleabiscuit's won! Fleabiscuit's won the Triple Crown! [Cheering] I've never loved you more in my life! [Moaning] [Camera shutters clicking] As Mayor of Langley Falls, I am delighted to award this trophy to the first Triple Crown winner since 1943, Fleabiscuit and Jeff Fisher! [Cheers and applause] Thanks, Mayor G.
I just wanna say, I couldn't have done it without Hayley.
So, what's next for you, Jeff? Well, I'm gonna retire from racing.
I'd like to spend more time with my wife.
And I think Fleabiscuit's got more important things on his mind.
Oh I need your love [Crickets chirping] [Screaming] Steve, why are you naked?! Well, why are you What are you? We don't have to answer to you! We're racetrack royalty.
Please, everyone, shut up.
I'm in so much pain.
I'm ready to die.
[Heavenly music playing] God: Oh, hell, no.
Aww.
Bye! Have a great time!