American Dad s14e22 Episode Script

The Future is Borax

1 Barry: cherry picker, frontloader, bulldozer, excavator, and then, of course, cement mixer.
- That's my favorite.
- Mine, too! Steve, your new friend Barry is a delight.
- Where have you been hiding him? - He's here all the time.
No, no, no, you're thinking of that other one Whatsisname.
Fatman Joe.
- Did I miss one of Barry's stories? - Yes.
Could we rewind the tape a bit for ol' Francine? It's, uh, a little rude to ask someone to repeat themselves just because you left the room.
I left the room to get cashew milk ice cream because someone can't handle dairy.
It's me, Barry.
I can't handle natural milks.
I'm the asshole she's talking about.
- Oh.
- On an unrelated point, Francine, I wanted to mention the bathroom faucet was dripping earlier.
Is there a reason you never, ever turn the handle all the way off? I-I sincerely want to help you figure this out.
You've had a strand of Carolina-style pulled pork stuck in your teeth since Wednesday.
Maybe figure that out? - Uh-oh.
- What, Barry? What's wrong? The way you guys are sniping at each other.
- It's not good.
- This? Oh, this is normal.
It's married-people stuff.
Isn't it? No.
It's not.
You know, forget it.
It's not my place.
Barry, it's absolutely your place.
You've got a real problem.
And it will destroy your marriage if you don't do something about it.
What do you know about marri Tell us what to do, Barry! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
My parents used to be passive-aggressive like you very toxic.
But they did something about it before it was too late.
Francine: Re-kind-a-lings, a last resort.
This hotel looks a little sexy.
If I can be frank with you, Barry, hot, hot sex has never been a problem for us.
It worries me that you think this is about physical intimacy.
If I can be frank with you,Stan, it may already be too late.
Ahh.
Booking a trip to Rekindlings now.
Okay.
Booked it.
And I'm gonna get the Travelocity Five Buck Trip Insurance just in case.
You're wasting our money! - It's only $5.
- Exactly! It won't cover anything.
Stop! Both of you! You can either be right or you can be happy.
I fainted and you never checked on me.
I'm Mick Weibscott, owner of Pizza Overlord.
You all know and love our county-famous jingle.
At Pizza Overlord We've been making pizza for years and years But after all those years and years, we've decided to replace it, and we want our new jingle to come from you, the beautiful pizza-eaters out there in the dark.
- Whoa! - We should submit a jingle! Let's write the best jingle ever.
Let's send in the old jingle and see if they notice.
At Rekindlings, we're sorry you're not in love anymore, but our resort is designed to resuscitate failing marriages.
You'll notice that everything that can be shaped like a heart is the bed, the Jacuzzi, even toilet.
Hey, who could bicker here? Let it be, Stan.
It's tightened as far as it'll go Just a little drip.
So if I come over there and turn it, is it going to turn? That's it! Ahh! [Groans] Francine: Oh.
Well, what do you know? [Chomping] You just ate another butterfly.
Well, I'm trying not to.
I'm very self-conscious about it, and you're always clocking me.
Maybe don't take such big bites.
I think these butterflies want to die.
This resort isn't working! We're still bickering! And now our last hope is a balloon shaped like my nutsack.
You wish your nutsack was as red as this.
Aah, the lovers I'm takin' up in me sweet balloo.
Come aboard.
I'll give you the rundown.
In a balloo, you got three dangers to watch for.
One, you got to mind the wind.
Snag the jet stream, and you'll shoot out over the sea fast as a cheetah bird.
Two, the balloo poppin'.
It's bad news all around and it happens a lot.
And the third thing? Condors the sharks of the skies.
There are condor attacks all over these airs.
Love balloo, take flight! Let's hear rough takes on our Pizza Overlord jingles.
Hayley? If your kid's soccer team has won a regional match Come here To find an Arkanoid game That's been broken for years Come here It's good.
It's really good.
But it doesn't say the name of the restaurant or the word "pizza.
" For ours, I wrote the melody and Klaus wrote the lyrics.
I can't stress that enough.
Klaus wrote the lyrics.
Thirty three thousand e-mails Where did they all go? Hillary makes me sick Time to lock her up, fo sho We are all the puppets And George Soros pulls the strings Pizza Overlord Pizza Overlord's the thing Klaus wrote the lyrics.
Now mine.
Be brutally honest.
Family 'round that table For this meal we're grateful Pizza Overlord It's good Oh, my God.
That's perfect.
It says that Pizza Overlord is good, which puts it in the listener's mind, like "That pizza is good.
" That's smart marketing.
That's what I was thinking when I did it.
This is great, babe.
Look, I think that's the women's prison.
Huh.
I think that's actually the Skechers Distribution Center.
Stop Fran-splaning everything! Stop being wrong about everything! Cap'n Frenchy! Your balloon isn't fixing our marriage! Ya-ha! You feel that wobble? Ah-ha! The chassis' all screwed up! It's a damn granny knot down here! Cap'n Frenchy, is is everything okay? Yep, s'all good! Look! - Cumulonimbus! - [Thunder crashes] That means condors! [Gasps] Oh, God.
A may-un! - Frenchy's dead.
- We're doomed.
Neither of us can pilot this thing.
All we really need to do is go down, right? Right.
Okay.
I'm gonna try something.
It's working! You're doing it! At first, when Frenchy died, I was like, "Why?! Why did this happen?" But now I see there was a reason.
Stan Smith is gone, for I am become Wind Rider.
[Laughs] The ocean?! Up, up, up! There's no land in sight! Is this the end of Wind Rider and wife? Gee! I can't believe we won the Pizza Overlord jingle contest.
Family 'round the table For this meal we're grateful Pizza Overlord It's good We did it! Well, we keep saying "we," but it was really all you, Roger.
Aww, shucks.
[Doorbell rings] Ooh, Roger! I bet it's Capitol Records here to sign you.
Aww, shucks! Hi, we're Gene and Sue.
We own Gene and Sue's Seafood Shack, now with three locations.
We loved your jingle for Pizza Overlord, and we thought it'd be neat if we could hire you kids to do one for us.
Wow.
A job? Well, you'd have to ask the genius of the group.
Think you're up for it, Rog Oh.
[Sighs] I'll do it.
- Oh, that's swell.
- So swell.
There will be expenses.
We'll pay what's fair.
This is a big one.
Get away from me.
So, at some point, this balloon will blow back over land, and we have to be alive when it does.
What's essential that we need to survive? - Coffee.
- More essential than that.
- Face wash.
- We need water, we need food We need to be ready for the condors.
Because they're out there, baby.
Food chocolate-dipped strawberries.
We'll have to ration these.
I should get a much larger ration so when the condors attack, I'll have the strength to fight them.
Smart.
Water none.
This disgusting sweet champagne will only dehydrate us.
I like fresh water.
But how? We take your stain-resistant Dockers, use them as a bladder to collect seawater [Grunts] which we desalinate using the balloon's burner, then we catch the condensation in this emptied Champagne bottle.
Ahh.
Francine, you did it.
And I've saved so much energy by not helping.
I feel so strong.
You look so strong.
Still, I need protein.
We're going fishing.
For the line, thread from my Dockers brand High-Tensile No-Break Shirt.
For the bait, these gross top parts of the strawberries.
Yuck.
And for a hook? Why, your hook-shaped earrings, of course.
[Seagull squawks] Then you can catch birds while I sleep like a lion always conserving my energy.
[Seagull squawks] - Mmm.
- [Condor screeches] There it is.
Condor.
[Condor screeches] It's a [bleep] dinosaur! [Condor screeches] Oh, yeah, the energy is there.
Yaaah! [Screeches] Yaaah! [Laughs] All right, let's hear that mbira strut its stuff.
- [Note plays] - Stop.
No.
I hate it.
We should light the studio on fire, man.
Record that! That's why you're my idea man, Delmonaco.
You're not a coward like a certain someone! Stop calling me a coward! Who are you anymore?! I'm only the best goddamn jingle writer In the world [Groans] Why are they here? They're paying for all this! About that This has been pricer than we expected.
We've had to close one of our locations.
Well, I don't have anything yet.
We got to put our foot down, buddy.
We need that jingle in one week.
Fine.
Deadlines are like assholes I do my best work when I'm pressed up against 'em.
Hmm don't like the eye juice getting into the burner like that.
Better bring the flame down.
It's getting bigger! We're going up fast.
Did you try jiggling it? Is that the curvature of the Earth? That book was right.
It is round.
Oh, no, there's not enough oxyg Stan, we'll die in space if we don't get this balloon down.
I have an idea.
Yeah, let's party.
I love you, Francine.
[Cork pops] We're alive.
You saved us.
We saved each other.
Where are we? Stan, look! Stan and Francine Smith, we're the Travelocity Five Buck Trip Insurance Rescue Force.
[Radio chatter] I told you the trip insurance was worth it - There it is! - You said it was a waste of money.
I still think $5 is too much.
This blanket is thread-bare.
Whoa, look who's rehydrated enough to fight.
Oh, God, he's right, Stan.
But we didn't bicker in the balloon.
You were busy surviving.
For a lot of couples, it helps them to have a challenge, something to overcome.
We're on the sat-phone with Travelocity HQ.
You'll be on the cheapest flight out of Australia in no time.
- We floated to Australia?! - Was that Craig Robinson? Yeah, lucky you landed here.
One kilometer that way is the Outback, the most unforgiving biome in the world.
Talk about a challenge really something to overcome.
- Should we? - Yes.
Where are you going?! We're rescuing you! Well, we're rescuing our marriage! Bye! Have a beautiful time! [Vultures squawking] [Vulture screeches] [Bones crack] - Got 'em.
- We've eaten so many interesting birds on this trip.
And we've gotten really good at killing them.
I can't disagree.
We're barely alive, and we haven't fought for days.
Mm! Mm! We should get out of the sun.
Is that a building in the middle of the desert? A store full of supplies.
But where did everybody go? So, you've decided to work for a Borax mine in the desert.
Congratulations! We here at Tetradual believe that the future is Borax.
Borax has millions of uses.
Why don't you say some of your favorites aloud right now? I'll give you 15 minutes.
[Humming] We could put this on a sand rat.
I think these life-saving supplies might be bad for our relationship.
We're not bickering.
You're crazy.
Right there! You just bickered me.
[Gasps] [Inhales sharply] Where can we go? Where is it hard? The mining life is a hard life.
Many of you will die in our mine, either trapped by falling rocks or crushed beneath them, or even half-trapped, half-crushed.
But, like all of us at Tetradual, you love Borax.
Both: We have to go to the mines! Sir! The seismic sensors are going haywire! There's something alive down there! Shut up right now! Can't you see I'm making a video?! Our remaining restaurants are mortgaged to the hilt to pay for this jingle, but we believe in you and your vision, Roger Shut up, Gene.
I'm begging you, I need that wet trap sealed.
Now get ready, suits.
This jingle's gonna sell a lot of seafood for your terrible buffets.
I had a dream [Echoing] I had a dream [New Age-style music plays] [Dolphin squeaks] Where am I? - I'm hungry - [Water splashes] I had a dream That all the seafood Would be mine I'm so hungry [Jazzy music plays] We're ruined.
[Sobbing] W-W-We'll figure something out.
We always do.
Not this time, Susy.
There's no coming back for us.
[Both sobbing] "There's no coming back" I'm having a jingle idea that could save everything.
There's no coming back For Gene and Sue's Seafood Shack A Roger Smith jingle.
It's so dark in here.
Maybe we should slow down? Yeah, let's take it nice and easy and destroy our marriage down a toilet! I almost disagreed with you.
[Grunting] Keeping this wound from getting infected is gonna be such a great challenge.
Thank you, baby.
I'm gonna make this deadly spider bite me.
This is the healthiest our relationship has ever been.
[Grunts] [Distant screaming] [Screeches] Humanoid cave creatures Incredible.
They ate the miners.
[Creatures grunting] Look at these things fighting like we used to.
Poor bastards.
[Hissing] Huh.
Now they seem very close.
Aww.
They're in love.
Maybe we're like those creatures.
We bicker, sure, but after we, like, rip on bad movies and then have outstanding sex like the creatures are doing right now.
Maybe our problem wasn't needing more romance or hardship.
Maybe our problem was letting other people tell us we had a problem.
Yes! Barry, the medic, all the [bleep] busybodies.
Those lousy busybodies.
Look at these guys just loving their lives.
And why? Because there's no one getting in their heads, judging their relationship and Crap.
I've stopped whispering.
[Screeches] [Creatures screeching] Run.
It's a dead end! Stan, we're gonna die! - No, we're not.
- What, why? Because I've secretly still been conserving my energy.
Yaah! [Creatures screeching] [Laughing] Now, everyone turn your books to and don't laugh page 69.
Oh, yeah! I'll do that with anyone.
Mind your own business, Barry! [Grunts] Bye! Have a beautiful time!