American Dad s15e04 Episode Script

Rabbit Ears

1 Tomorrow's Big Trash Day, the garbage men's favorite day of the year.
But this is Big Trash Eve my time, when the streets are lined with gold! Isn't all this stuff broken? What's broken about a mirrored headboard with a crack in it? A toilet with no seat? Most of a hose? Ooh! What's that? This might be the last big TV.
It's so deep.
I have to get this home it's so deep.
[GRUNTING.]
So heavy.
So splintery.
All the weight is distributed so oddly.
This, I like.
This speaks to me.
Mm.
Nice, loud springs.
Baby lambs on a soiled comforter.
And hello! Dare I? - [SQUISH.]
- Perfect fit! Stan, you can finally take me back to The Green Burrito without having to worry.
Ugh.
Green Burrito.
No, thank you.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Daddy's home with street treasures.
No.
No more trash.
This stuff isn't trash unless you think a brand-new-to-us dehumidifier is trash.
It is trash.
That's outrageous.
Well, what about an electric fondue pot? Splice a few wires, bingo-bango, hot cheese on tap.
I don't like fondue.
That's outrageous.
But what about this stunner? Some dirty-ass mattress? Stop being outrageous.
Look.
There's a beautiful Spanish word painted on it.
- - It's like a Diego Rivera painting.
We don't want any of this stuff.
Seems like you're all missing the big picture.
A beautiful 34-inch picture.
They don't make 'em like this anymore, gang.
It's the new biggest piece of furniture in the house.
The couch has been put on notice.
- Ohh.
- Aww.
He's so cute.
[SIGHS.]
He's a baby now? [COOING.]
Son of a bitch! He is cute! [ALL GASP.]
I will never let anything bad happen to you.
Okay, fun is fun, but I must insist that we now focus on the TV.
That thing can't stay in here.
It could fall on the baby.
Maybe it should fall on the baby.
I'll never understand the weight distribution.
[SCOFFS.]
Fake baby.
This TV is what's real real fun.
What's this smushed into the cable input? Hmm.
Dog shit.
I'll use the antenna.
What a blast.
It's a party down here.
Hmm.
No signal.
Let's try the old splits.
Nothing.
Do a little scissor kick.
Side saddle? Nope.
Now the one people don't like to see, but sometimes it works.
Both of them together straight up! Hmm.
[YAWNS.]
Shh.
Don't wake up the ba [DOOR SLAMS, ROGER CRYING.]
Everyone's doing stupid stuff except me.
[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING.]
- - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Welcome, nighthawks.
We've been expecting you.
The hour's late, but the party is just getting started.
I'm Alistair Covax, your host for a sophisticated little soiree with jazz, stimulating conversation, beautiful ladies, and more jazz.
Hmm.
Look.
It's Charlie, sincerely one of the best white, non-union jazz pianists in the entire city top five.
Charlie, play some of those notes you know I like.
[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
What is this show? [KEYPAD CLICKING.]
No results for Alistair Covax.
"Nighthawks' Hideaway.
" Nothing.
Why is there no record of this show? I need answers.
TV answers.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, TELEPHONE RINGING.]
The star's of "Hawaii Five-O" are in a prank war! You think "Wheel of Fortune" is on at 8:00? You're fired! - What, what, what?! - I recently came into possession of a deep TV no need to congratulate me and I saw a 1960s show called "Nighthawks' Hideaway.
" There's no such show.
There's never been such a show.
But every few months, some lonely nutjob comes in asking about it.
Oh, trust me.
I am not a nutjob.
Good.
Good.
Word is these nutjobs get together at the Ukrainian Cultural Center to talk about this show that doesn't exist.
Cultural Center, huh? I mean, I saw the show with my own eyes, but nutjobs like that make me sick.
Me too, pal.
You get it.
Someone should round these nutjobs up, put them in a locked cage, and just drop it in the sea.
Well, I don't know about that.
- - Hopefully these people can give me some answers.
Hi, Stan! Sit.
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
Uh So, you've seen the show.
Yeah.
Strange there's no record of it.
It gets stranger than that.
There's only one episode, and it reruns over and over and over on Channel 36.
And get this.
Come closer.
Come closer.
No, thank you.
There's only one episode, but it changes Little things, little differences in the show.
I keep track of them.
Where's everybody else? There used to be more people, but one by one, they stopped coming.
It's so good to have you here, Stan.
It's not just me anymore.
It's you and me cracking the case of the "Nighthawks' Hideaway.
" We're the same now two men obsessed.
Ooh! It's like I'm looking in a mirror! No, thank you.
Sometimes when the jazz is playing, I like to do this.
I move my chin just a little.
[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
This strange show.
You stop bothering Stan! Is Is that It couldn't be.
Tuttle? No.
That's impossible.
Wow! Great jazz! Shh.
We're appreciating the jazz.
Oh, this jazz is so good! COVAX: Let me ask you something, Stu.
Two years in, are we any better off with Hawaii a state? If the Ruskies got control of that lava game over.
How can Tuttle be on this old show? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Huh.
No sign of Tuttle.
But maybe Every time.
Ugh.
What is that smell? [SNIFFS.]
They're both contributing.
There's a beauty.
"I must go in!" A shadow puppet theater of sorts.
I wish I had time for such childish games.
Duck! Duck, duck! May I hold baby Roger? Make sure to support his head.
Yeah, no shit.
[COOING.]
You guys are not gonna believe where Tuttle is.
Come downstairs.
I don't know why it's not coming in now.
I saw him.
Tuttle was inside the TV! Stan, you're down here by yourself watching static.
I can watch static upstairs.
Why don't you come upstairs, Dad? Yeah, aren't you lonely down here? Lonely?! I have a TV! So itchy.
Probably those fleece pajamas I've been wearing.
Tonight, I sleep on this mattress naked.
Let me put it to you straight.
Do you think the country is becoming feminized? I think that is you, Tuttle.
But how? What did you figure out? Undoubtedly.
The TV dial is overrun with the female agenda.
And my new book, "I Loathe Lucy," is about putting these hysterical sapphos back in their box.
A tremendous read.
Shall we jazz? I thought you'd never ask.
Welcome, nighthawks.
We've been expecting you.
The hour's late, but the party is just getting started.
Do you think the country is becoming feminized? Let me put it to you straight.
Do you think the country is becoming Do you think the country is becoming Do you think the country is becoming feminized? Do you think the country is becoming Do you think the country is becoming Do you think the country is becoming feminized? - Undoubtedly.
The TV dial is overrun - Look.
It's Charlie.
- with the female agenda.
- Welcome, nighthawks.
And my new book, "I Loathe Lucy," is about putting these hysterical sapphos - A tremendous read.
- back in their box.
Shall we jazz? [ROGER CRYING, DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
STEVE: What are you doing, Mom?! We said we'd check on him every 10 minutes! It's only been 3! FRANCINE: Sleep training is cruel.
- I want to pick him up! - [DOOR OPENS.]
HAYLEY: You're both wrong.
We need to give - We're not giving him weed! - It's a micro-dose - to help him sleep.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
KLAUS: We need to get in there! He's afraid of the dark! COVAX: Oh.
Leaving so soon? Well, our party keeps going.
So, if it gets lonely out there in the wee, small hours, remember, nighthawks, you always have a friend here at the Hideaway.
[STATIC.]
There must be something I missed.
[GRUNTS.]
[GASPS.]
Hmm.
Cannonball! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Welcome, nighthawk.
We've been expecting you.
I'm in the TV! I'm so relieved I'm not crazy! It was just a magic TV, that's all.
Yes, please.
Charlie, play some of those notes you know I like.
What the hell is that floating light? Tuttle! Stan? I remember you.
Of course.
You remember me.
I'm I'm like - your all-time favorite person.
- Oh, it's the rerunning.
We just keep rerunning.
I remember less each time.
I'm forgetting my life, Sam! Tuttle, relax.
You don't like it here, - let's just go.
- We can't.
We're trapped here forever.
Ooh.
Does forever include this weekend? 'Cause the BET Awards are on.
YOUNG MAN: BET Awards? I remember those.
Those are from the future.
I need to get back to the future.
[GASPS.]
"Back to the Future"! I love that movie! And Michael J.
Fox! He was so great! Then [GASPS.]
that thing happened to him.
Oh, then the Towers.
Then that pretty good Denis Leary firemen show.
I need to get back to my time! It's not lighting up.
It's not lighting up! Oh, boy.
He'll pay for that at commercial time.
What happens at commercial? TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: And we're clear to commercial.
- [COVAX SNARLING, ROARING.]
- YOUNG MAN: No! Please don't! Don't eat me! - STAN: Yuh-oh.
- No! - No-o-o-o!! - Oh, boy.
- Sounds bad.
- [PEOPLE WHIMPERING, MURMURING.]
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: We're on in 3, 2 [JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, God.
He's gone.
It's a good thing I'm clearly irreplaceable and integral to the show.
[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Charlie, now how about something a little harder? Here's a rowdy little number called "Volcano Blast Freakout.
" [SLOW PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Hot, hot, hot.
Did you hear that guy say, "Don't eat me"? That makes me think Alistair ate him.
He doesn't like it when people mess up his show.
You having a nice time, Stan? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
You know my name.
That's cool! Hey, what is this place? This is a party, baby, and parties are fun.
So when the camera's on, you will make nice conversation, you will keep a drink in hand, and you will listen to and love every bit of jazz you hear.
But I like swamp rock.
- No.
- What if we want to leave? Leave? Why? You're with other nighthawks, solo creatures who enjoy mature pleasures.
Face it, Stan.
- You're a sensualist.
- I know.
But I have a family.
Do you, now? Yeah, I do.
It's just hard to remember their names.
I told you.
I told you.
Francine, Hayley, Steve, Klaus, Roger.
Good, good.
Come on, Tuttle.
We can't forget.
I can't remember my family.
- You don't have one.
- Oh.
Don't worry.
I still have my family.
- - We got to get out of here.
But how? You saw that guy.
We can't call the elevator.
Maybe we don't have to.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING.]
[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
- Welcome - Pardon.
Pardon.
Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- I'm with him.
I think we got away! - It's all fake! - Let's try the soup.
That's how you can tell if it's a real diner.
We're still on the show.
Stan, look! The tree! Follow the color! This is the way home! Langley Falls, here we come! And maybe there was something appealing about that bachelor vibe.
Because, boy, the family was driving me nuts.
You wouldn't know what that's like, but trust me.
I pretend my fingers are my family Mama Thumb always nagging, Uncle Index with the corny jokes.
What can I say? They're a handful! - [SWAMP ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- STAN: I got Francine I got Steve Uh, I got Harley I got Clark, I want to say Bruce - Take it, Tuttle! - TUTTLE: I got no one Take it, Stan! Welp, see you around the neighborhood, Tuttle, old boy.
Yeah.
I should get going, too.
Oh, yeah.
You have nobody.
Turn off the car, you idiot.
You're coming inside, you big, fat idiot.
[GASPS.]
You mean it? Yeah.
You live with me now.
I'll convert the shed into a room for you.
- I won't insulate it.
- Stan, I have a house.
It's nothing.
You'll sleep on some old car batteries.
I won't hear another word.
Now come watch me hug my family.
Beloved ones, I'm home! [JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Welcome back, nighthawks.
We've been expecting you.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna forget them forever.
Have you heard the new hi-fi's with the quadraphonic sound? They're really the best for listening to jazz.
It sounds like, "Skeedle-dee-deep-do-bop-do-bop, scoop-doop, sly-gar, flarga-marga, smee-boo.
" A man can't be himself in the kitchen.
It's not his domain.
But what about when he gets hungry, and she’s not there? Well, the space-age wet bar of tomorrow can satisfy his hunger.
A Rumaki-Maker-Matic, folks.
Just plug it in, load the hopper with chicken liver, and within minutes, nuclear-hot hors d'oeuvres plop out all over this green tray that looks like a cabbage.
- Ah! - Ooh! Now, picture it.
It's 11:15.
You're at the Sands.
Frank Sinatra's overflow girls are starting to get hungry.
They say they want melted cheese and lots of it.
Time for fondue.
Fondue.
With an electric fondue set, it's fast, it's easy and clean, and lets you eat more cheese more quickly than ever before.
Fondue! Fondue.
Electric fondue! Bingo-bango, hot cheese on tap! My wife! My wife, Fondue! No, Fondine.
Francine! I remember Francine, and, oh, how she loved her fondue! Tuttle! Wake up! - [SCREAMING.]
- Francine! Hayley! Steve! Klaus! Roger! I'm not a nighthawk! I want my family! We're going to take a commercial break, and when we return, I promise the party will be back on track.
Stan, are you okay? You're wearing the wall like a hat.
Whoa.
I came in through the static.
This is the way out! TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: And we're clear to commercial.
[SNARLING.]
[CONTINUES SNARLING.]
[TAPPING.]
[GASPS.]
Let go of me, you monster! TUTTLE: Ow! Stan, you're kicking my face! Oh! We're safe.
He can't get past the [COVAX ROARS.]
[BOTH SCREAM.]
[SCREAMING.]
[SINGSONG VOICE.]
Look what I did! Where the hell have you been? I almost went down there.
Family! Oh, sweet family! I want you to know that I haven't forgotten you, even if I came close.
I'm here now, and I want to do what you want to do.
I want to raise this child.
- Daddy's here.
- I'm not doing that anymore.
- Thank God.
- [THUD.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Poor bastard.
Feels good to have things back to normal.
- Stan? - Whaddup? Have you heard the new hi-fi's with quadraphonic sound? They're the best hi-fi's for - Ja-a-a-zz.
- Ja-a-a-zz.
No.
No! No! No-o-o-o! ANNOUNCER: That's right! "American Dad!" is now a show that exists on TV in the basement of the family of "American Dad!" Another great episode.
So long, nighthawks.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!