American Dad s15e05 Episode Script

Jeff and the Dank Ass Weed Factory

1 Damn it! Ever since Langley Falls approved medical marijuana, this whole town has gone straight to hell.
Uh-oh, looks like Stan is hot.
Damn right, I'm hot! Crime is up, the economy is down.
Look at this.
They're even reporting about how stoned this Dow Jones character is instead of actual news.
Potheads are so stupid, Stan.
- So stupid.
- Oh, he's on his feet.
Why did the pothead cross the road? He doesn't remember.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
It wasn't to get to his job like the hardworking chicken.
- Kick it! - [LAUGHTER, RAP MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- What's the difference between a pothead and a working man? A working man works, man.
A pothead puts pots in his head, Judge Dredd.
- Kick it! - [LAUGHTER, MUSIC PLAYS.]
Mr.
S, this is hilarious.
Why the hell are you laughing? I'm sorry, I thought this was a funny time.
Is this a sad time? I'm making fun of you, Jeff.
You're a pothead.
If we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at? Other people, Jeff.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little high.
Oh, my God, you're such a loser.
Hey, how do you get a pothead to suck your [BLEEP.]
Stick it in a bong.
- Kick it! - [LAUGHTER, MUSIC PLAYS.]
Can he even say that? He's a bad, bad man! [LAUGHTER.]
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Hey, Dennis.
I'll take a pack of Tommie Tokes blunt wraps and however much shake this gets me.
Hey, Jeff, what's got you down? It's my father-in-law.
He thinks I'm a loser because I smoke weed.
Well, that must mean he thinks Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and Kirsten Dunst are losers, too.
They're all well-known marijuana users.
Really? Ah, I wish I knew that this morning.
He loves Kirsten Dunst.
He thinks he saw her in Prague once when he was backpacking through Europe, but he's got no proof and the story changes every time he tells it.
Dennis, turn on the TV.
They're talking about weed on the news.
[MUSIC PLAYS.]
Tommie Tokes, the elusive marijuana-eer has hidden four golden rolling papers inside packs of his blunt wraps.
Winners and a guest will get a tour of his mysterious weed factory, so put down that Fiery Doritos Loco Taco and get your stoned ass to the dispensary.
CUSTOMER #1: Give me all the packs you got! CUSTOMER #2: I also would like all your packs.
Tommie Tokes' factory.
No one ever goes in and no one ever comes out, until now.
This is our objective a cannabis goodie of epic proportions.
The Everlasting Edible.
Tommie Tokes has been developing it, and this thing gets you messed up from the dress up, from sun up to sunset.
- For life! - For life? We've got to destroy that thing.
Exactly, Smith, but I'll be the one to destroy it.
I've got a whole evening planned.
I bought MLB 19 and I'm going to play a season as the Rangers.
But I'm going to give all the players girls' names.
Your job is to find me one of these blunt wraps.
It's the only way to get inside.
This is your only priority.
Hey, Stan, I've been meaning to tell you You can see the outline of your penis through your sweatpants.
I see you in the gym every morning and it's distracting.
You did the right thing coming to me with this.
And what's more, you picked the right time.
You think it's something with the pants or the penis? I'm leaning penis, Stan.
Please be gold.
Please be gold.
Dang it.
Brown.
Ugh, so close.
You can't do that on television is my favorite television show of all time.
Okay, got to go, Mom.
Next time we'll talk about what your favorite show is.
In a shocking show of motivation, Langley's potheads are lined up around the block hoping to score a golden blunt wrap, but their chances grow slimmer as the first one has been found.
What is your name and where did you find your golden blunt wrap? My name is Pube Face and, um, it's actually a really crazy story.
- My - Your name is Pube Face? [PEOPLE BOOING.]
Aah! [GRUNTS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
We interrupt this midmorning screening of "Showgirls: The Director's Cut" to inform you the second blunt wrap has been found.
MEMPHIS: Larry, how excited were you when you found the second gold wrap? Oh, man, it was like the first time I heard Steely Dan, man.
You ever listen to them? I'm a weatherman, Larry.
I only listen to the sweet, sweet beeping of my Doppler 5000.
Oh, and "Black Cat" by Janet Jackson for sex.
Faster! I'd help, but there's no stairs! The third winner is this lady.
What's up? My name is Angie.
I smoke weed before every meal breakfast, lunch, dinner, brunch, fourth meal, second lunch, third breakfast.
Well, this lady's gross.
GREG: Thanks, Memphis.
She was gross.
With three gone, that means there's just one gold blunt wrap left.
- Babe.
- Jeff.
[BLOWS.]
Jeff.
Hey, bong brain, you have the last gold blunt wrap! Oh, my God, I won! I'm going to Tommie Tokes' factory! Hoo-hoo! And you get to take a friend.
Jeff, you have to take me.
I can't tell you why, but it's very important.
But Mr.
S, you hate weed.
That would be like taking Garfield to a Mondays factory.
Plus, I should take Hayley.
Actually, it sounds like a lot of walking.
Maybe you could just describe it to me when you get back.
You make a strong argument.
If I wasn't thinking about you before, I definitely am now.
Mr.
S, rebuttal? I'm prepared to let you sleep with my wife.
Jeff, you'd be crazy not to take that deal.
Okay, I've decided.
I'm taking Hayley.
I don't want to go.
I'm not going.
In that case, it looks like Mr.
S is going to the weed factory! - Yes.
- Now let's celebrate.
Hey! Oh, hell no! - Now you done it! Yah! - Aah! [PANTING.]
Glad you're here, Mr.
S.
I think this is really gonna open your mind to marijuana.
Who knows? You could be the next Bill Gakes, Stakes Jobs, or Kirstle Durstle.
Or I could be the man who takes down Tommie Tokes.
What's that, Mr.
S? I-I was just, uh, talking about, uh, this.
[SMOOCHING.]
Your kisses saved you again.
But how many more times? One day, your luck will run out, Smith, and Jeff will discover that you're trying to take down Tommie Tokes.
- What's that, Mr.
S? - [BELL TOLLING.]
That's him.
I'm mother[BLEEP.]
Tommie Tokes.
That's just my homey that holds my box.
[LAUGHTER.]
Where my winners at? Let's roll.
[GAS HISSING.]
Welcome to the official tizzle of my merry factizzle.
Interesting fact before we begin nobody knows when the factory was built or anything about it, really.
Fascinating.
Mr.
Tokes, will we be seeing edibles on the tour? Possibly of the everlasting variety? Hell yeah, there's gonna be edibles, Big Chin.
This is a soda lock.
I just have to enter the combination.
Coke, Sprite, Dr.
Pepper, Dew, Dew, Diet Dew, weird-ass lemonade, tricky little water button, Coke.
- Pepsi.
- [DOOR CHIMES.]
Everything in this room is edible.
Wow.
It's actually beautiful.
Try some, Mr.
S.
Oh, uh, is that chocolate? My doctor said I'm only to eat bananas foster.
PUBE FACE: Ow, my tooth! [GRUNTING.]
Fool, that area is clearly an office.
JEFF: Whoa, he's gonna eat it like a pelican! [INHALING.]
[CHOKING.]
Oh, God, my sweet Pube Face! Help him! Chill, baby.
Your boy's dead.
Not even the great Patch Adams can save him now.
Seven, six, five, and to the fo' Listen to us or you headed out the door Weed is a wonderful thing to eat It makes you feel happy and friendly and also neat But don't be dumb, and use your eyes You can't make weed into office supplies Say, Mr.
Tokes, who are those purple fellas? Those are a native tribe from the Andes called the Snoopa Loompas.
Obviously, I can only catch the little ones 'cause they don't run that fast.
Now I got something that'll blow your mind.
This machine scans your brain and determines the perfect strand of weed for your personality.
- Who wants to try? - Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! I love weed! I love weed! I love weed! I love weed! Please! Man, I hate this lady.
Why'd I make this contest random? You.
I notice you didn't eat anything in my edible meadow.
I-I shouldn't.
I don't really smoke the stuff.
Don't smoke any stuff, except fools who step to me.
But that's just an expression.
If you don't, I'm gonna think you a narc.
What mission?! Of course not! Give me that! [MACHINE WHIRRING.]
That's the swirly thing.
Love that marble.
There's my mouse.
Blue dots.
That's my logo! [MICROWAVE DINGS.]
Your personalized strain C-High-A.
Whatever that means.
Tokes up! Whoa, you're doing it, Mr.
S.
That went down pretty easy.
- My turn! - Wait! The helmet needs to recharge or else - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- [GROANING.]
Seven, six, five, and to the fo' This chick was super pushy, now she's dead on the floor If you follow me this way, there's a room where I swear I saw a ghost.
I'm very glad you're all here, 'cause last time, it scared me half to death.
But it was also fun in a way.
Jeff, I am having a really, really grood time.
I'm having a grood time, too.
Dude, what are you even talking about? We should go on an adventure.
Come on, we never hang out, just the two of us.
- 'Cause usually you hate me.
- Not today.
Today, I want to do something fun with you, as friends.
Come on, let's go.
Beanbag chairs! Oh, so soft, bro.
Look, a big red button.
Press it! [MACHINE WHIRRING.]
Jeff, we're beanbag clouds! Do you ever wish you had a new last name? Something strong like like Cuccinelli.
Stan Cuccinelli an Italian man.
Where are we? Whoa, check it out.
A tiny velvet pillow.
Think Think about how small your head would have to be to even sleep on it.
You You'd have to You'd have to be, like, a squirrel.
God, I wish I was a squirrel.
But Hayley would never let me.
Yeah, you're right.
She's tough, but she's fair.
Wait a minute.
Look what's sleeping on the squirrel's pillow.
It's The Everlasting Edible! The rumors are true! [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Jeff, I got to be honest.
I came here to steal this for my job at the C.
I.
A.
I still work there part time.
But after this amazing day with you, I don't care what my boss says.
I can't take it.
That'd be wrong.
That's really cool of you, Mr.
S.
Now, what do you say we get back? The way this tour's been thinning out, they might notice we're missing.
Get down from there! It's too much bass for your face! I need to feel the music! [CRYING.]
Oh, God, Larry! You died the way you wanted.
I'm crying for me, but I'm happy for you.
I guess that leaves Jeff.
My man.
Congratulations, you get What?! One of y'all stole from me? No, we didn't! Unless you're talking about the bathroom! I'm so sorry! I took some extra toilet paper! I thought I might need to blow my nose! You do need to blow your damn nose.
You snotting all over your face.
I'm not talking about you.
I'm talking about him.
You lied to me.
We were having so much fun.
We got high together! I didn't get high.
Wiz kids at the lab cooked this up to keep me from getting stoned.
[GRUNTS.]
A big plastic bag.
[BAG BLOWS.]
But your eyes they're red.
Another trick from the wiz kids at the lab.
I poke them.
Take him away.
Show him what we do to narcs.
Jeff, we cool.
Except you got to get up out of my factory.
But I was the last one.
I won.
I get the factory, right? Absolutely, if you can name the exact order of sodas in my soda lock.
Coke, Sprite, Dr.
Pepper, Dew, Dew, Diet Dew, lemonade, tricky little water button, Coke, Pepsi.
[BLEEP.]
that.
I'm still not giving it to you.
You can't make me.
Do your worst, Tokes.
I'm not afraid to die to win the war on drugs, or also don't kill me, if you have the guts, you coward.
Oh, Stan, I'm not gonna kill you.
I'm gonna use this machine to turn you into a Snoopa Loompa.
How? They're indigenous people from the Andes.
That was my lie.
I created the Snoopa Loompas.
Not with my penis and my sperms, but with this machine.
This will break your bones, reorganize your internal organs, and tattoo your skin purple.
It's excruciating, but you won't feel a thing.
You'll be higher than a kite strapped to a rocket.
I'd rather feel the pain than be a pothead.
Think you're tough, huh? Well, bzzzzz! TOMMY TOKES: Here comes the airplane! Bzzzz! [GASPS.]
That was a dirty trick.
You're part devil, Tokes.
Yeah, and I'm also part Dutch.
Jealous? [LAUGHS.]
[MACHINE BANGING.]
It's all jammed up! Hey, did you try to stop yourself from going through this thing? Yeah, of course.
Oh, what the frig did you do that for?! Now I got to go to the machine room where everyone's always farting and playing pranks on me.
Mr.
S's legs! But where's the rest of him.
Wait a minute, Mr.
S is always right above his legs.
[DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS.]
Oh, my God.
I always wanted to know what you look like with your suit off.
Jeff! How did you get back in the factory? I told the front desk guy I was good friends with Emilio Estevez.
He about almost tore the door of its hinges opening it for me.
Now let's get out of here.
- This way.
- Wait, Jeff.
Do I have time to take my shoes off? Oh, God, you're for real high.
That means it's up to me to get us out of here.
- [LIGHTER CLICKS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Some people say smoking weed makes you lazy.
But for me, smoking weed makes me see lasers.
[LASERS VIBRATING.]
Whoa.
[ALARM BLARING.]
Get those stoned fools! Why did I even have this dumb factory tour? I had very little to gain from a business perspective.
Perfect.
Sitting's gonna feel so good right now.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
- Clap your hands, everybody - If you got what it takes - There they are! - 'Cause I'm Kurtis Blow - Jeff, bad things! These are the breaks Brakes on a bus, brakes on a car JEFF: A tunnel.
We should be safe in here.
Breaks to win and breaks to lose [LAUGHING.]
[SNAKES HISSING.]
[BOAR ROARS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [GROANS.]
Oh, God, this is too much.
Close your eyes, Mr.
Smith.
- Where am I? - Just listen to my voice.
I'm a facade of a man built on a mountain of bones and flesh.
- Stelio Stelio Kontos - You're a man with a soul and a happy heart.
- Stelio - I've lost all credibility.
You're a good person! [SCREAMING.]
Jeff, I'm starting to freak out.
How How much longer am I gonna be high? Uh only a couple more minutes.
Oh, thank God.
Should I eat another one then? SNOOPA LOOMPA: They're by the boat! It's a dead end! Jeff, promise you won't be mad, but I think I left my sunglasses in the car boat.
That's right.
End of the line.
See you in hell.
- No, see me inhale.
- [DIAL CLICKS.]
[AIR HISSING.]
Jeff Fischer, I've had about enough of you vandalizing my dank-ass weed factory.
Get them! Aah! Aah! You think we scared of your ass? Aah! Aah! Okay, you scared my ass! That is just gruesome.
I know you were in danger, but there was still a sense of fun and whimsy to it all.
I mean, man, you took this to a really, really dark place.
I give up.
[INHALING DEEPLY.]
[STRAINING.]
Where's the exit? Take my glass elevator.
Did you see the size of that rip I took? It was truly epic.
I love you, Jeff Fischer.
- It's time to go home, Mr.
S.
- [ELEVATOR CLICKS.]
[ELEVATOR BUBBLING.]
Hey, Jeff, thanks for taking me to the factory.
It's been a real fun day.
[ELEVATOR POPS.]
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Weed does make stuff look pretty.
I knew you'd come around on it.
That's not what I said.
Marijuana is awful.
But I am coming around on you.
You were a badass in there.
You're not a loser.
Thanks, Mr.
S.
I wonder how I'm gonna get myself turned back into a human.
You worry too much, Mr.
S.
Check out the earth.
It's coming so fast.
Pretty chill, Mr.
S.
It's coming really fast.
Jeff.
Jeff.
Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Bye-bye! See you soon!