American Dad s15e07 Episode Script

Shark?!

1 - - [GULLS CRYING.]
Beach! Beach! [CRASH.]
Beach! [BOTH GASP.]
- [SIZZLE.]
- Beach! Beach! [SPLASHING.]
Beach? Beach.
["GET LITE" BY THE BEATARDS PLAYING.]
- Oh - We get lifted We get light - Hey - We get weightless - Oh - We satellites We get lifted - Oh - We get light - Hey - We get weightless - Oh - We satellites Hey Sunday to Saturday We fightin' gravity And if you stuck on the ground Stop gettin' mad at me - Sunday to Saturday - [BOTH GIGGLE.]
We fightin' gravity And if you stuck on the ground Stop gettin' mad at me - Get lifted - [LAUGHING.]
Aah! Ha! - Get light - Ha! Ha! Throw your hands up in the sky But we can still get lifted Get light [GULLS CRYING.]
Hm, I wish these weren't so salty.
Steve! Steve-Steve! Steeeve! You.
Me.
Water-rocket boots.
Everyone else eyes like these.
[TING!.]
You know I don't go in the ocean.
I've got a shark phobia.
You're afraid of sharks? That's ridiculous.
Just look at you.
You're too afraid to be in the sun.
You're too afraid to go in the water.
Oh, let me guess, you're too afraid to eat sand? Not really afraid Fear is a mental prison.
Behold, the power of the mind! Jesus, Dad! [WEAKLY.]
And this is what a free man looks like.
[BUCKET THUDS.]
- [THUD.]
- [GROANS.]
Wow, you're not afraid of anything.
Are you afraid of little kisses? Mwah! How about a little kiss on your chin? Mwah! How 'bout your belly? Mwah! And what's this? Oh, hello! Mwah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Sorry about that whole "going down on you at the beach" misunderstanding.
Here's a free Bloody Mary.
But with SpaghettiO sauce and a Twizzler instead of celery.
Alcoholic drinks for kids are an untapped market.
No one ever thinks of the children.
I can't stop thinking about a child.
My child.
The Steve-child.
Cool.
So I guess we're done with what I was talking about? Steve's shark phobia is just the start.
If he continues to be a slave to his fears, he's gonna miss out on life.
Hey! Maybe Dr.
Penguin could help him work through it.
Oh, Stan.
Dr.
Penguin died.
Did you not get invited to the funeral? It was a tiny, little thing at the Spearmint Rhino.
- Super intimate.
- Are you finished? There wasn't a dry thigh in the Roger! What do I do about Steve? Well, as my mentor, Dr.
Penguin RIP, one love, gone but not forgotten used to say, "When you're forced to confront a fear, that fear loses its power.
" Yeah! That sounds like a thing! It sure is.
And I happen to have another persona that could help with Steve's problem.
Just get him in the ocean, and I'll do the rest.
Great.
Wow, so Penguin died, huh? What happened? It came out of nowhere.
He saw a movie he liked at Sundance, just walked off into the forest.
Danuta, I can't wait to hear all about your semester in Chile.
Girl, I bet you learned to fry up a badass bloomin' onion.
Not Chili's, Mom.
Chile.
It's a country.
- Ah, you girls keep me young.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
So, my Saturn's officially a piece of shit.
I had to take it to the shop again, so I'll be catching the bus for the next week.
The one positive is that riding with all those low-lifes is a real confidence booster.
I feel like freakin' JFK on there.
Guess that makes the homeless guy whacking off in the aisle my Jackie O.
What's his deal? He's kinda hot.
- Klaus? - [RETCHES.]
Yeah, he seems funny.
I mean, if he's even available.
Uh, he goes to the DMV "just to chill.
" I think he's available.
Hook it up, then.
Enough about Klaus.
Our girl's back in town.
So, what else have you been up to, Danuta? Start at birth since this is the first time we've ever met.
How ya likin' old Francine so far? Ahh.
[BANG, CLATTER.]
[WOOD CREAKING.]
[THUD.]
[CLANG.]
Oh, my God! - Ahoy there! - [SIZZLE.]
Can I dog ya, my man? Where am I?! Uh, the ocean? A percentage of the world is covered in it.
Just ribbin' ya, son.
I know you're confused because of my unnecessary trick.
Did you feel like a giant in there? The whole room was 7/8th scale.
That was the second part of my trick.
Here's the third part.
- Aaaaaah! - [SPLASH.]
Aaaaaah! Don't trick me back, Steve.
I can dish it out, but I cannot take it.
Aah! Aah! Aah! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Aaaah! Shark-shark-shark-shark-shark- shark-shark-shark-shark! - [SCREAMING.]
- Come on, ya little wuss.
Hit me so I can get out of here.
[WHIMPERING.]
- [SMACK.]
- [YELPS.]
[YELPING.]
- Oh, my God, Steve! - [PANTING.]
You were just face-to-face with a shark.
I I was terrified.
But I was splashing around and and bopped him on the nose, and I think I scared him.
I'd say he was probably more afraid than you were.
I kicked his ass.
I just kicked that shark's ass! I made that shark my bitch! Looks like tuna isn't the only chicken of the sea.
- See? Nothing to worry about.
- You're right.
'Cause I dominated a friggin' shark.
Up top! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[BONE CRUNCHES.]
Aaaaaaaaah! [BOTH SCREAM.]
[BLOOD TRICKLES.]
[SPLAT.]
Thank God, the bleeding stopped.
I think I'm out of bloo You're gonna be okay, son.
Stay with me.
There.
There's my angel's smile.
Holy hell, Roger.
How could you bite Steve's arm off? Now he's gonna be afraid of his own shadow.
What you're forgetting is the very important lesson I did teach him Don't talk shit about sharks.
Just give me back his arm so the doctor can reattach it.
[GAGGING.]
[SPLAT.]
Should be good as new My stomach runs about 10° Fahrenheit.
It comes in very handy.
Did you know I'm the number-three Carvel franchise in the state of Virginia? Want me to puke you up a sundae in one of those cute little baseball helmets? Who's your team, Stan? Hope you're a Marlins fan! [GAGGING.]
Steve? I brought you a little something to say sorry about what happened.
I'm not sorry it happened.
Wha What? I came face-to-face with my greatest fear, and I made it out the other side.
You were right.
I've wasted my whole life living in fear.
Well, I'm finally free.
No more closing my eyes in the cereal aisle for fear of seeing Boo Berry.
And I'm gonna wear this stump as a badge of honor A reminder to not be afraid of anything.
No even the dread pirate, Captain Crunch.
Wow.
Really? I thought you'd be - Now, what'd you bring me? - Uh - Hey! - I brought you this Dikembe Mutombo jersey.
Can I help ya, buddy? I'm just trying to talk to my deformed son, and you're just standing there, binge-watching the whole conversation.
Put the jersey on, Steve.
That jersey looks real good on ya, Steve.
Buying that jersey for you was one of the great joys of my life.
ROGER: Your ice cream.
I'm so jacked up to go rocket bootin'! I don't think I want to do this [SIGHS.]
I knew losing your arm wouldn't change you.
because I'd rather do that.
Aah! Aww! Aah! This is amazing! I'm lovin' the new Steve.
Stump-bump it! Maybe after it heals.
[AUDIENCE BOOING ON TELEVISION.]
You know, after hearing both sides, I'm kind of with these deadbeat dads.
Hey, Klaus, you remember my friend Danuta, right? Of course.
Bangin' bod.
Super long fingers.
Total smoke show.
Well, the other day, she said you were "kinda hot.
" You wouldn't be interested, would you? Yeah, baby! It's on! Nothing like a sure thing.
She's fine as hell, and I'm gonna blow it.
I can't bag a dime like Danuta.
Agh! She's too hot! Agh! Wait, are you messing with me? I will kill you! Relax! I'm not messing with you.
Call her.
Right now.
Prove it.
I don't really think that's necessary.
[GROWLING.]
Do it.
Okay, okay! [CELLPHONE BEEPS, RINGING.]
DANUTA: 'Sup, whore? What up, 'Nutes? So, um who was I supposed to set you up with again? Klaus.
He's kinda hot.
[MOANS.]
What's that noise? Uh, Wendy Williams is benching 300 pounds on her show! Oh, my God, she's really doing it! - Bye! - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
There you go.
Believe it now? Ohhh, that broad was built to bang! You really shouldn't let her call you a whore.
I-I know it's a joke, but it's just kind of bad for women in general, you know? Oh, and tell Danuta to get fully waxed.
But not the butthole.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE.]
Damn.
We high up.
Didn't even notice.
You know, I think all my fear was in that arm.
You guys should really consider cutting yours off.
Hey, how cool is the view? Think that's cool? Check this out.
Lifted it from my old man.
So badass! Okay, Steve, stop messing around.
- We're just having a good time.
- Quit it.
- Seriously, man, that's not funny.
- What What are you afraid of? - A little pop gun? - Cut it out, Steve! - Stop playing around, man! - Pop! Pop! Pop! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, Stan, just checking in.
- You still think Steve's doing great? - Yep.
Really? You don't You don't think he's acting a bit - reckless? - No.
Just the other day, he made Toshi give him a lower-back tattoo with a rusty paperclip.
It's a Ninja Turtle.
Yeah, Raphael.
He's the rude dude of the group.
Steve is clearly out of control.
Well, it's better than being afraid of the world.
He put his whole mouth around the water-fountain spout at the little-league park! I saw it! The boy's just getting it all out of his system.
- He'll be fine.
- [STEVE LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
Argh! [LAUGHING MUFFLEDLY.]
[SNAKE HISSES.]
Classic horseplay.
[CAN HISSES.]
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [SNIFFS.]
Francine, have you seen Steve? Buscemi? Everywhere.
But that might be the Lemon Pledge talking.
We're looking for Steve, the child you occasionally mother in your more lucid moments.
Oh, he said he was going to the comic-book store to do battle or something.
See, Roger? He's back to playing his Pokémon cards.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! He left his Bulbasaur! He might as well be going to battle with an army of Jigglypuffs.
Relax, I'm sure Steve has a Hoobastank or a couple of Chumbawambas up his sleeve.
This is pretty reckless behavior if you ask me.
Fine.
We'll bring him his stupid card.
- Now, where was I? - [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
So, what was it like working with Tarantino? [IMITATING STEVE BUSCEMI.]
I don't know.
What's it like being so beautiful? [GIGGLES.]
Yo, neckbeard.
You seen a kid? We're looking for Steve Smith.
Oh, thank God you're here for him.
[STEVE LAUGHING.]
That's been non-stop.
Oh, that? The boy's a bit of a gigglepuss.
A true chuckle-nut.
Guffaw-hound, really.
Probably just tickle fighting? [LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
I feel so alive! [SPITS.]
[TOOTH CLACKS.]
Oh, hey, Dad.
Lose the shirt and hop in the ring.
Snot's been dying to fight you for years.
Oh, Snot will get his.
But he will not see it coming.
I'm worried about you, son.
Why? I'm on top of the world.
Roger, could you give me a hand? [GAGGING.]
[SPLAT.]
[GAGGING.]
[SPLAT.]
[GULPS.]
What the hell is going on inside you? Is that my arm? Steve, Roger and I staged the entire attack.
I was the shark! So I never confronted anything? All my confidence is based on a lie? Oh, my God, is this my blood?! Aaaah-ha-ha-ha! We got our Steve back.
I haven't changed at all.
Chin up, buddy.
- [LAUGHS.]
- There, there.
More! More! More! Ay, paisan, you angry? Then why don't you tell me to fon-jewel! [BOTH LAUGH.]
You want in on this? Uh Oh! Look what I caught Steve doin'! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Come on, Klaus, just call Danuta.
Um, calling a girl is so desperate.
Can't I just draw a penis on a brick and throw it through her family's living-room window? Are you nervous? No, I'm not nervous.
- [TELEPHONE BEEPS.]
- This phone's nervous.
[BEEPING CONTINUES.]
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES, BEEPS.]
- Hello? [DEADPAN.]
Danuta.
Who is this? Danuta.
Who's calling? It is me.
What? Will you go there? Go where? What? Do you eat? What the hell is this?! I've got the money - Danuta.
- [BANG.]
Klaus, that was chilling.
I blacked out.
Hey, let's just take the pressure off.
M-Make it a group date.
Do you have any friends you could invite? [SCOFFING.]
Do I have any friends? Someone's obviously forgotten about my boy Jurgen.
How could I forget about a guy I caught stealing used Q-tips out of my trash can? Exactly! He's unforgettable.
Knock, knock.
Any two-armed boys in here? Would you settle for a two-armed man who was hospitalized for eating an entire American Girl doll? Where'd my son go? He said something about living a lie and needing to conquer his fear by killing a shark.
Your bloodthirsty quest reminds me of my childhood in Bon Temps, Louisiana.
Yes, I am from the town in "True Blood," but at the time, I was unawares of any goings on of any vampire shenanigans.
Oh, that town was overrun with vampires! And many of the dogs I would see I would later realize were werewolves.
Hurry, Roger! We gotta stop Steve before he throws down with a shark.
Easy, Stan.
I'm takin' ya straight to great-white country.
Just need to make a little detour.
There's a sunken wheelchair around here.
My theory? I think it fell off a boat.
Roger, my son's gonna die, and it's all my fault.
Unless some guy wheeled it across the ocean floor? Is that your theory, Stan? Yes, yes, talk me through it.
I think I could be convinced.
Say something to her.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Danuta, um what's, like, the grossest disease you've ever gotten? Um I don't know.
Gingivitis? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh-ho-ho.
That's it? Play your cards right, and later I'll give you something much worse.
You're funny.
Jurgen, put me down.
Let me win shorty over here a stuffed Munion.
Someone call a doctor, 'cause my jump shot is sick! [BASKETBALL BOUNCES.]
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
Just clearing out the cobwebs.
Tell 'em, Jurgen.
Yep.
Swish! - [SMACK.]
- [CRIES.]
Klaus, maybe we should move on.
I'm winning her a prize! [SMACK.]
[SMACK.]
- [SMACK.]
- [GAGS.]
Why don't we go on a ride? Besides, there's someone I'd rather cuddle with than a stuffed animal.
How can I concentrate with you jabbering in my ear?! You keep begging me and begging me for this [BLEEP.]
Munion, then flap your lips every time I take a shot! I'm sorry? Take a lap, Danuta.
All of you! Just let me work.
- [SMACK.]
- [CAT YOWLS.]
Where are these damn sharks? While we're waitin', can I interest you in corn hole, some beer pong? [CLATTER.]
No! I'm I'm trying to stare down death.
Why do you have all this stuff? 'Cause this here's a party boat.
I wish I could pay the bills taking one-armed boys shark-killing to prove how brave they are, but, sadly, that's just not the world we're living in.
Now, are we going to buttchug some Southern Comfort or Shark! This is it.
Time to conquer my fears.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Yaaah! Yes! I did it! - Oh.
- Well, butter my biscuit.
You killed a cute, little baby.
Wahh! Wahh! Change my diaper! Don't murder me! And I'm guessin' that's his ma and pa.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [WHIMPERS.]
- Did you know that sharks can have up to 50 rows of teeth? I'm great with trivia like that.
Ask me Lady Gaga's real name.
Stefani Germanotta.
$260, $280, $300.
Now give me the damn prize! Finally, the Munion-shaped key to Danuta's heart.
Now, where is she? [MOANING.]
- Jurgen - Yep.
[MOANING.]
Danuta! I'm sorry, Klaus.
It's my fault.
For bringing that wolf Jurgen into the hen house.
Players are gonna play, and I, of all people, should know that.
Don't worry.
There's somebody out there for everyone.
You'll find yours some day.
What are you doing?! I-I thought you were putting out the vibe.
Are you kidding me? No! [SPLASH.]
[LAUGHTER, PLAYFUL SCREAMING IN DISTANCE.]
I give up.
[WHIR, EXPLOSION.]
[SCREAMING.]
Whoa! That was crazy! Why isn't anyone reacting to this? Because it doesn't concern me.
I'm not in the Gravitron.
I'm eating caramel corn, having the time of my life.
This is a carnival, after all.
Try smiling, asshole! [BLEEP.]
you! Aah! - [SPLASH.]
- Ferryman! You save Steve.
I'll lead the sharks away.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Betcha can't catch Aah! Steve, we have to get out of here.
No.
I have to face those sharks and prove I'm not afraid.
No, you don't.
It's okay to be afraid.
Fear is what keeps us alive.
But you're not afraid of anything.
Yes, I am.
I'm afraid of losing you.
That and people finding out I can't pronounce the word "dorktor's oyfoice.
" Are you trying to say "doctor's office"? God, it's so easy for you! ROGER: Little help? Anyone got an Oral-B floss pick? [LAUGHS.]
Ow! We have to save Roger! No, Steve, listen to your fears.
We have to save ourselves first.
When Roger washes up on shore, we can take him to the emerghmancy rom.
Okay.
But how do we get out of Wait! This is a party boat.
Maybe they have [GASPS.]
[TING!.]
Dang.
We get lifted Look at us, Dad! We're finally doing it! I'm the one friggin' doing it.
We get lifted - Oh - We get light Why y'all heading further out to sea? Bye! Have a great time!