American Dad s15e08 Episode Script

The Long March

1 [SLICER WHIRRING.]
Boar's Head? More like "Bored's Head," right? I literally said that joke to you yesterday.
Yeah.
I'm stealin' it.
[CHEWS.]
TOMMY: Hey, team? Uh, gather round for a sec.
Tommy! Tommy! [LAUGHS.]
I almost sold a sandwich.
- Why didn't you? - I dropped it.
But I put it aside so we can eat it later, chief.
Okay, Dino.
Tommy and Dino to the end! Right, right.
Okay.
I'm sorry to say that our assistant manager George - passed away last night.
- Who? George worked here a long time and loved his work.
He even mentioned Sub Hub six times in his suicide note.
Anyway, we need someone to take his place.
- What day did you start? - Tuesday.
- Uh-huh.
And you? - Wednesday.
Hayley, looks like you're our new assistant manager.
But it was Wednesday three years ago.
You know we go by day of the week, Chloe.
So, it's basic stuff time cards, inventory, taking George's dead body down from the ceiling fan.
Cool.
Dino, go get George down.
You got it, Hayley! Hayley and Dino to the end! Uh, his hands are tied behind his back.
We sure this is a suicide? Just do your job! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
JEFF: Hey, babe! Hey, ba Oh, my God! Hayley! Jeff here says you got a promotion.
Is this true or is Jeff playing a dirty little trick on me? Yes! They made me assistant manager.
Let him go! Oh, Hayley! I've been so disappointed in you for so long! Completely given up on you as a father.
- You what? - Oh, yeah! But now that you've turned things around, I got you a gift.
A day planner? Yeah.
And the best part? I've already filled it out for you.
"Go to work, go home.
Go to work, go home.
- Go to work, go home.
" - Go to work, go home.
- "Go to work, go home.
" - Go to work, go home.
Welcome to the long march.
Ohh, I envy you.
Just starting out on a job you'll do for the next 40 years.
The turbulent wave of life's joy and despair will become a flat line.
Eeeeeee! What? Soon you'll be marching to work, clockin' in and out, marching home, over and over and over.
You'll be 30, 40, 50, 60.
Eeeeeee! The march ends at the grave.
It's just a promotion.
There's that vacant stare of a fellow marcher.
Aw, man, the march! [HEELS CLICKING.]
Did I make a mistake? I mean, look, I took the promotion because, like, future is female, but what if I get trapped in some monotonous life? Remember what Dr.
Ronson said Sometimes your feelings come out more clearly in free-style rap.
Babe, do you want me to drop a beat? Maybe you should.
[BEATBOXING.]
[RAPPING.]
I wanted a life of experience and freshness Don't know that Sub Hub is the way to get this Jeff Fischer here, comin' on the scene I'll support you either way, babe, we're a team All these little bitches can suck my [BLEEP.]
I'll tie Gucci Mane up and beat him with a stick Gucci Mane, Imma straight up murder you.
I was here before you, I'll be here long after you, Gucci Mane.
[WHISPERING.]
Gucci Mane, it's Klaus.
You need to get to the studio right now.
Your girl wants me, Gucci Mane.
You're getting clowned, Gucci Mane! [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
That was the worst Uber ride of my life.
It was a nightmare.
How long did he stop at that gas station - to take a dump? - Which time? A-And what about that fish dinner he was picking at the whole time? He was only eating the bones! [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
"Please let us know how your ride with Ernie was.
" - Ha! - One star.
[BLEEP.]
him up, Steve.
I-I feel bad.
These guys get fired if their rating falls below 4.
6.
I don't want to take fish off his dashboard.
Fine.
Give him four stars.
It won't ruin his life, but it will send a message.
[CELLPHONE CLICKS.]
Now it's asking how much tip to leave.
Dude, dude, dude! Type a poop emoji! Do it! [SLICER CLANKS.]
[SIGHS.]
These guys don't march.
Hayley.
No phones at work.
Don't want you thinking of the outside world.
[SLICER WHIRRING.]
[SAUCE SPLATTERS.]
Avocado on that? [WHIRRING CONTINUES.]
[OVEN DOOR CREAKS.]
[SAUCE SPLATTERS.]
STAN: Go to work, go home.
Avocado on that? [OVEN DOOR CREAKS.]
- [SAUCE SPLATTERS.]
- Go to work, go home.
Avocado on that? [OVEN DOOR CREAKS.]
- [SAUCE SPLATTERS.]
- Go to work, go home.
DINO'S VOICE: Avocado on that? [OVEN DOOR CREAKS.]
- [SAUCE SPLATTERS.]
- Go to work, go home.
Avocado on that? [FOOTSTEPS MARCHING.]
Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that? - [MARCHING CONTINUES.]
Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that? - Go to work, go home.
- Go to work, go home.
- Avocado on that? [METALLIC SHAVING.]
[DINO AND STAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Aah! [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
- Avocado - Aah! [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
And done.
Get in.
I quit Sub Hub, and now we live in your van.
[BANJO MUSIC PLAYING.]
I did it.
I broke free.
Bye-bye, Sub Hub! Smell ya later, road map! And who needs keys? All doors are open.
[KEYS JINGLE.]
Babe, how are we gonna pay for stuff? - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Your prayers have been answered.
Roger? Have you been here the whole time? Yeah.
Have you not heard me? I've literally been playing music back here the whole time.
[BANJO MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[TWANG.]
I know how you can pay for stuff.
- [DRUMBEAT.]
- You two can be van lifers.
Then you monetize it.
What? I'm I'm confused.
He gets it.
Van life is huge on Instagram.
People show themselves living in a van, going to cool places.
They get tons of followers, and then companies sponsor them and pay for their sunset-filled lives.
- Sign us up! - What's happening? Now, you'll need an agent to find those sponsors and do the deals.
And, of course, I am an agent.
Ugh! But, honestly, honestly, I do not have space for any new clients right now.
Ugh! This is so frustrating because I like you so much.
I didn't want to like you.
Come on.
Be our agent.
I don't have the time! Unnngh! Lea'me alone! I promised my wife! It can't be me! It has to be me.
Damn it, I'm doing it.
Great! This way, we can stay on the road! All right! What an exciting time for us.
The three friends.
I'm gonna do those deals! I say this all the time, but I'll say it again You can't look too good for a Billy Joel concert.
Don't forget the hat.
[METAL CREAKING.]
[STRAINING.]
I'll call us an Uber.
"Ernie is one minute away.
" Ernie? Is that the driver? It is.
I'm canceling.
Try Lyft.
"Ernie is one minute away.
" Oh, God! He's on Lyft too! Why don't I just go on Tinder and find a guy to drive us? Oh! It's him! He's everywhere! I better drive.
Mom, why are you on Tinder? I said I'll drive.
- Oh, God.
- Fish! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Feels light.
No bones.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [HEART BEATING.]
- [CLICK.]
- STEVE: It's Ernie! Back in the house! [KEYS RATTLE, CLANK.]
- What the hell was that? - I don't know! That's the first time it's ever happened to me.
Back door! [FOOTSTEPS RUNNING, DOORKNOB RATTLES.]
The back door's locked.
I'll get the key under the mat.
[KEY RATTLES, CLANKS.]
- Mom! - That's the first time that's ever happened.
You gotta believe me! [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Is this right? Am I making yoga? I don't know, babe, but I do know you're leaving footprints all over the goddamn van! [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Hello? - Hales, sup! No sponsors yet, but I got irons in the fire.
We're working towards the holy grail Açai Incorporated.
Like the berry? Like the gold mine.
It's a superfood.
Throw all your regular food in the trash.
Unless it can cure the clap.
Because that's what açai did for me.
In 16 hours, I was back on the street, circulating, just having a good time.
Roger! We need money.
Then you need to make your life brandable.
I need glam shots.
[CRACK.]
My "Karate Kid" bush! Eh, this looks scary.
People are going to expect exciting content from our brand.
- [BANG.]
- [GRUNTS.]
You need more speed! - [BANG.]
- Aah! Go slower in the air.
You're blurry.
- [BANG.]
- Wah-aah! - [CELLPHONE CAMERA CLICKS.]
- Wah! - [BANG.]
- Whoa! Aah! - Wah! - [BIKE CLATTERS.]
Ohh, Jeff, you're gonna love this We got it on the first shot.
That's great, babe.
Remember how I criticized you? I was wrong.
[INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
[GROANS.]
Hello? What up?! Time for breakfast.
I suggest some Jon's Green Mill Oats, 'cause they're your first sponsor.
That's super exciting, Roger! Okay, gotta go.
Rhonda! Where the [BLEEP.]
are my deals?! - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Jeff, get up! We gotta go to work.
I thought we didn't work? We don't.
Now get up! We're gonna be late! [FOLK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[HORNS HONKING.]
HAYLEY: We were once trapped working nine to five.
But now, the only time we worry about is the present.
- [CELLPHONE CAMERA CLICKS.]
- And our Raymond Roxbee watches always tell us the present time.
Use code "Hayley-Jeff" for 15% off.
Life is fleeting, so make each day special.
Make time for a sunrise.
Make time for a loved one.
Make a permanent mark on your life with Cosmo Dry Erase Markers.
Now with orange.
Mama, we're out of food.
Can't we order some delivery? No.
Ernie works for every app.
Now hush up.
Dinner's almost ready.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
The last stick of gum? - But what will we eat on Christmas? - [LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS.]
[NEW YORK ACCENT.]
What's up, ya gum-eatin' bastards? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Sorry, I'm just riding high 'cause I hired someone off TaskRabbit to put together my bookshelf.
TaskRabbit the app? And he's coming here? [POUNDING ON DOOR.]
[BOTH GASP.]
That's right.
This boss owns a bookshelf.
A gift from my good friend Gucci Mane.
Who are you friends with? Being a loser? [CHUCKLES.]
Probably.
Hey, who put this couch here? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Tuttle? Oh, dingdoodle, this isn't my house.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Babe, Vista Point, two miles.
Should we check it out? Are you nuts? We need a shot of us eating calzones on the Hoover Dam without a care in the world by sundown! Now step on it! [TIRES SCREECH.]
Not the brakes! The gas! No! All we ever do is post and caption and hashtag.
And I'm sick of sniffing markers all the time! - I'm not making you do that.
- [SNIFFS.]
We need a break! Wow, this is beautiful.
Right? See what happens when you get off Instagram for a while? How did you find this place? On Instagram.
Thank God for Instagram.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
I'm so glad you made me do this.
Made us do this, babe.
Ooh, you know, it's a little chilly.
I'm gonna go snatch my serape.
Snatch away, babe.
[CELLPHONE CAMERA CLICKING.]
What are you doing? Oh, this? Just testing the nature.
Did it test positive for genital lies?! - [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
- ROGER: What up, nomads? I got three words for you ah-sigh-ee.
We landed the big sponsorship.
See? It's all paying off.
We can go anywhere and do anything.
Then I want to go home and do nothing! The whole point of this was to get away from being a worker drone, and here you are, working like crazy.
This isn't work.
You're lying to yourself.
What are you gonna say next? The sky isn't blue? Whatever color it is or isn't, it's the perfect background for Señor Thomson's Frozen Wontons.
And since you can't see that, you're no help to me out here.
- Babe - Sorry, Jeff.
You should go home.
- Oh.
- Here.
For the drive.
I can't hear you.
Are you asking if I'm sleeping with the pilot? Lord knows I'm trying.
[WHIRRING CONTINUES.]
Actually, no need to climb up.
You can't get past me.
I'm stuck, arms are jelly.
So, Lance, you were right.
I shouldn't have rode in like this.
I was trying to be a big shot, and, well, to be honest, I'm in trouble.
But don't panic, Lance.
Panicking won't help anybody.
Lance, quick update I panicked and let go.
So, any solution involving the ladder, well, that's out.
Now we're working on slowing down a free-fall.
The tools I have at my disposal are a bullhorn.
[BULLHORN FEEDBACK.]
[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Can you lose the headband? It's screwing up the green screen.
Actually can't.
I have a doctor's note.
Whoa-ho! First trip to the Grand Canyon? If you're gonna hike down, make sure to bring enough water.
That's how my friend died.
I'm Cameron Smiles, CEO of Açai Incorporated.
- How's it going? - These promos are fun.
- But I'm excited to get out on the open road.
- You're on it! With the magic of green screen, you can go anywhere! Why don't we head to Wacky-kiki Beach? [SNAPS FINGERS.]
Mike! Give us Wacky-kiki.
Surf surfin' Beach Boys, yeah I'm the big ca-hoota! See you on the half pipe, fish tacos! MIKE: [LAUGHING.]
It looks so good on the monitor! So we shoot everything in front of the screen? I'm never really going anywhere? How can you say that when you're suddenly on the moon! Give us spacesuits, Mike! Well, I guess a fake moon beats real Sub Hub.
That's my motto.
So, um, let's say we bring in Jeff.
- But I-I told Jeff to go home.
- Good call.
But you're not gonna want new Jeff to go home.
Jeff 2.
0 is super hot, super punctual, and best of all? He's 100% hologram! [GRUNTS.]
Wait, this guy's real? Mike, we're working on the hologram stuff, right? MIKE: Getting closer every day, boss! [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[SCREWDRIVER CLICKING.]
[WHISPERING.]
He's almost done.
Why didn't we run? He went to his car like 10 times to get more tools.
All finished.
Now to take care of one last thing.
Oh, great, you're done.
Hmm.
And I'm guessing you didn't use this washer because they gave an extra one by mistake? Hate to tell you, buddy, but IKEA doesn't make mistakes.
[WASHER CLANKS.]
My hands are tied here.
You're getting four stars.
Four stars? It's just a washer.
Back talk? Three stars.
They should write about you in Laffy Taffy wrappers, 'cause you're a [BLEEP.]
joke, bro! Klaus, I wouldn't This is good for us.
I'm gonna eat your bones.
How 'bout you bite my ass? Two stars.
The curse is his now.
KLAUS: Slit my throat? [GAGGING.]
One star.
Uh, what's going on? Hayley! Something so rad happened.
We signed some new talent, and she and Jeff just gelled.
Totally organic.
Anyway, she's taking your spot on the account.
What? Wait, you mean my account? Well, you signed ownership over to us.
But what if I told you we could use you in Brazil? - Real Brazil.
- I'd say sign me up.
No need.
You already signed the Brazil Clause.
MIKE: Actually, we didn't get a signature on the Brazil Clause, boss.
What?! I need that thing, like, right now! - I'll still go.
- Oh, that'd be perfect.
Mike, you wanna shoot a Brazil Clause over to the printer? Let's head to the printer.
That's where the Brazil Clause'll come out.
[PRINTER WHIRRING SLOWLY.]
This thing's a workhorse.
- [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
- All right! We out here! What a great farm.
I'm gonna get some great shots.
Whoa! I know him.
He's a van lifer.
And so is he.
[WHIP CRACKING.]
What the hell is going on here? GUARD: Pick berries.
Hashtag slave life.
Oh, my God.
Is this where Açai Incorporated sends influencers when they get replaced? Yes.
Now go to work! Then go home? No! [CHUCKLES.]
Only go to work.
Go to work, go to work.
Go to work, go to work.
Welcome to the short march.
Oh, man, the march! [MACHINERY CLACKING.]
So hungry.
Ooh, one left.
- Aah-ja-ja! - [ALARM RINGS.]
[MONKEYS SCREECHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GROANS.]
Is this the pile for medical attention? It's a death trench, dummy.
This is my trench now.
JEFF: Hayley! Where are you?! Jeff? [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Hashtag rescue! [BANG.]
[JUICE TRICKLING.]
Jeff.
Hey babe.
How did you find me? I follow the guy who releases the guard monkeys on Instagram.
Thank God for Instagram, right? No, Jeff.
Thank God for you.
You almost saved me.
[CRYING.]
I'm so sorry.
[SOBS.]
Oh, my God.
My arm.
Açai juice really is a [DEEP VOICE.]
Superfood! No! They're drinking the undiluted juice! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
[MUSCLES CLICKING.]
Whoa.
[GUNSHOT.]
Whoa! Aah! Whoooa! [GRUNTING.]
[GUN COCKS.]
[GUN COCKS.]
[GUNSHOT.]
Let's get the hell outta here! I love you so much, Jeff! Superfood! Go to work, go home.
Go to work, go home.
- Ah! - Superfood.
Jeff, you can't visit me at work until you go back to normal.
Superfood? You're still holding that bullet? Just drop it.
[CRASH, CAR HORN BLARES.]
Superfood? Bye! Have a beautiful time!