American Dad s15e12 Episode Script

Stompe Le Monde

1 [LAUGHS.]
Yes, yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Yes! Whoo! Chug, Francine! Whoo! - Whoo! - [ALL CHEERING.]
Whoa, what's the party for? Stan's uncle died! And left us a ton of cash, baby.
A toast to me.
I told you if we stayed in touch with Uncle Mitch it would pay off.
Is this why you always laughed at his terrible racist jokes? Yeah, it's one of the reasons.
I guess we should talk about what to do with this 5 grand.
How about a trip? [GASPS.]
Maybe to New York.
I've always wanted to try a calzone.
Calzone? It's New York City, baby.
I'm getting a turkey sandwich.
A trip? What a waste of money.
Why don't we just pour the cash down the drain with Uncle Mitch? We need to invest this money.
I think we all just want a vacation.
We just went on that trip to Fort Lauderdale.
Sure, it was fun at the time, but look at us now.
We have nothing to show for it.
We have all the great family memories.
Memories are useless.
What can I do with memories? Write a memoir? You think I'm the new Chelsea Handler? Well, I'm not.
There's only one Chelsea Handler and she's a goddess.
Dad, we all worship Chelsea Handler.
Keep her name out of your mouth! Let's have a family vote.
Who wants to use the money to buy a vacation to New York? Who's for investing the money? Oh, yeah! Uncle Mitch is dead! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I thought we were booking our New York trip.
Why are we at Costco? Someone's not listening to my podcast.
Costco has a travel agency.
I devoted a whole [ALL GASP.]
- [ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
- We need those leather jackets if we are going to New York.
Stan, we can't go to New York without leather jackets.
Lena Dunham will kick our asses.
We may have our differences, but I'm not an idiot.
I know we need leather jackets to go to New York.
Okay, you guys grab the jackets.
I'm gonna go and talk to a travel agent and get us a sweet deal.
I want to book a trip to New York.
All right, when would you like to fly out? Fly? Who am I, the CEO of Amazon? I want to say John or Josh something.
How much will you charge me if I walk there? Um, nothing.
That's a good start.
Excuse me, but I've been listening, and I can tell you are someone who knows the value of a dollar.
- I do! - Come with me.
I like this.
Not enough strangers physically escort you places.
[CAR ALARM BLARES, SIREN WAILS.]
Today's your lucky day, because I'm about to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
[RHYTHMIC STOMPING, CLAPPING.]
[CLANGING.]
[LIDS CLANG.]
[RHYTHMIC STOMPING, BROOM SCRAPING.]
I'm offering you the North American rights to the off-Broadway show "Stomp," all for the low price of I will pay whatever you want.
Stan, where did you go? Costco search and rescue looked for hours and then declared you legally dead.
We just read your will.
I'm glad you're alive, but for the record, my basketball is not yours to give away.
Well, you're gonna forget all about that when you hear my news.
[RHYTHMIC STOMPING, LIDS CLANGING.]
Ow! What is he doing? Mama, make him stop! Stan, you're upsetting the children.
- Fine.
- [LIDS CLANG.]
Does anyone in this family like Broadway? Really, Dad? We're going to Broadway?! Nope, Broadway is coming to us.
What'd you say, Big Daddy? I used the vacation money to buy "Stomp.
" Wait, is "Stomp" the one where they're all painted blue? No, that's "Jersey Boys.
" "Stomp" was a huge Broadway hit in the '90s that put New York on the map.
It incorporates rhythms, acrobatics, pantomime, and brooms! Here, watch this.
[ RHYTHMIC STOMPING, BROOM SCRAPING.]
The [BLEEP.]
was that? The family voted for a vacation.
This is so much better than a vacation.
We're gonna make buttloads of money and then you can buy all the memories you want.
You, sir, have broken a buttload of hearts.
Stan, I love this.
I've always wanted to be part of a Broadway show.
Ooh, can I be your assistant? Really? Yeah, sure.
My first order of business will be to fetch you some sorbet in the shape of a penis.
What? Why? I'm trying to show initiative.
I thought you'd be happy.
Oh, please don't tell me you're one of those bosses who can never be happy.
Hideki, first thing love the picture and résumé.
You don't see a lot of nudes.
I'll just, uh, hang on to this.
Rockin' Ronnie here with Stan Smith, the man who's given this whole town a terrible case of "Stomp" fever.
Stan, people are going bonkers waiting for your show to open.
Let's take some callers.
BUCKLE: I love "Stomp," and I was sadly out of town for the audition process, so I'd like to audition now.
Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Clap, clap! Broom, broom, broom! Trash can lids! Brooooom! Yeah, everyone's very excited.
What do you say we give some tickets away at the top of the hour? Wish we could but the show's all sold out.
Why are you here promoting the show if it's totally sold out? Why don't you ever play Toad the Wet Sprocket? Because Toad slept with my wife, Stan.
Awkwaaard! It's cray-cray-donkulous.
Ever since you bought "Stomp," I've been getting the most amazing treatment around town.
See these earrings? Everyone at CVS saw me shoplift them, but nobody said nothing.
My weed dealer let me play with his tarantula.
Principal Lewis showed up in my math class and presented me with an old bowling trophy.
It was pretty cool.
He was sweating pretty bad.
For Mr.
"Stomp" and his family, compliments of the chef.
Wow, Dad, I'm sorry.
Buying "Stomp" was a great idea.
Guys, you don't have to apologize.
A simple singing of the "Wrong Song" is all I need.
You were right, so, so right And we were oh, so wrong You are smart and we are dumb That's why we sing this song We're idiooots - - [AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
Man, if that house was any more packed, it'd be my wife's suitcase when we're just going away for the weekend.
[GROANS.]
[AUDIENCE CHANTING "WE WANT 'STOMP'!".]
Opening night.
Feel the electricity.
How's my cast? To tell you the truth, we're a little nervous, Stan.
We haven't rehearsed at all.
In fact, we never even met the director.
Director? What do you think this is, a movie? You didn't hire a director? All the direction you need is right there in the title Stomp.
Just go out there and do it.
Feet, broom, floor.
Now, come on, this audience paid 100 bucks a ticket.
Let's give them their money's worth.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[BROOM HANDLE TAPS.]
[BROOM BRUSHING.]
[BROOM HANDLE TAPS, GARBAGE CAN SCRAPES.]
What the frick is this?! [AUDIENCE BOOING.]
We got to get the hell out of here.
Well, bad news the angry mob destroyed my SUV.
But good news, they spared Jeff's van.
That "coexist" bumper sticker has gotten me out of a lot of jams.
Religion is the great unifier.
[MOB SHOUTING.]
Oh, look at that, our house is on fire.
Three weeks on the road and we're broke.
This Luna Bar is our last meal until we start eating the leather jackets.
- Never! - Never! Look, I'm sorry, guys, but this is what you wanted, right? We're making memories.
Remember when that coyote attacked Steve? Or how about when the coyote attacked Hayley? - And who can forget - Yes, we all remember that coyote you tried to domesticate.
[SIREN WAILS.]
Nice leather jackets.
Big fan.
License and registration.
Sir, this isn't your registration.
It's the North American rights to "Stomp"? You should do a show here.
Sorry, but our theater days are behind us.
He's kidding.
We're still doing "Stomp," and we're bringing it to your town.
Spread the word.
You got it! Hey, I'll miss you guys.
Francine, what are you doing? We don't have any performers.
We'll be the performers, and this time, we'll do it right.
You ripped us off! - [LAUGHS EVILLY.]
- What the hell? I thought we were gonna do "Stomp" for real this time.
We were going to, but it just seemed like a whole lot of work.
So while you were out selling tickets, we were drinking 40s and getting super into tetherball.
I started out the worst, Stan, but now I'm second best.
We realized we could just say we were putting on a show and then drive away with all the ticket money.
So now we go from town to town doing this.
Ripping people off? Won't that make us bad people? No, we're tricking them, and in my experience, people love being tricked.
Hey, Jeff, what's that over there? - [GRUNTS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
- See? - Well, I'm sold.
And I'm a famously tough sell.
And the dancers are always going [RHYTHMIC STOMPING, CLAPPING.]
What else do they do? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, you're gonna have to buy a ticket to find out.
Surprise! It's me, Hayley! Who the hell is Hayley? The gal with the "Stomp" tickets.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Ah, that's a gimme.
Why don't you celebrate your hole in one with a little [TAPPING GOLF BALLS RHYTHMICALLY.]
Wait, I know what this stranger's talking about.
- It's "Stomp"! - [TAPPING GOLF CLUBS RHYTHMICALLY.]
Young man, those are expensive golf clubs.
You can't bang 'em around like some "Problem Child 2.
" Or can you? Here's 50 bucks.
And you just bought yourself a ticket to "Stomp.
" But I was only paying for the blow That was free! [MOB SHOUTING.]
Hot damn, it feels good to rip people off! Oh, man, look at those small-town morons chasing us.
Stan, slow down a little.
Steve, why don't you serve our friends up a little pressed ham.
[MOB SHOUTING.]
Oh, yeah, they're hungry for it, Steve.
[ENGINE STALLS.]
Roger, I told you to go to the gas station today.
I did, but there were some college kids there and I wanted to impress them and I couldn't think of anything cool, so I deepthroated the nozzle and guzzled $80 of gas.
- You idiot! - Relax.
Just punch it when I say.
Guys, th-this ham's getting overcooked.
You can pull up your pants at any time.
- Go, go! - [ENGINE STARTS.]
Ahh.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
[MOB SHOUTING.]
Look at me.
I got my son's ass against my window, my alien's dick in my gas tank, and nothing but the open road in front of me.
And here comes God with the cherry on top.
Let's celebrate.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Mmmbop, ba duba dop [GUNSHOTS.]
Ba du bop, ba duba dop [LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTS IN SLOW-MOTION.]
Yeah, yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba du [FAMILY SCREAMING.]
Did someone order a ham slider? [GLASS SQUEAKS.]
HAYLEY: Yeah, yeah! FRANCINE: Being mean is fun! Another day, another town full of suckers.
Patron of the arts.
More like morons of the farts.
What a way with words.
Give me some of that silver tongue.
Yeah! French him, Mom.
[LAUGHTER.]
Look who's skipping out again.
Sorry, we don't remember you.
We've swindled a lot of people.
Funny.
Let's see how funny you are with my gun in your mouth.
[LAUGHTER.]
Okay, that was funny.
But that doesn't change the fact that you guys are in deep trouble.
If you want your money back, sorry, we spent all of it to have Young MC play at Klaus' birthday party.
It was freezing out.
For some reason, he wore shorts.
He said he wasn't cold, but he had goose bumps all over his legs.
That's all I can remember.
Well, if we can't get our money, we're getting that show.
And it better be good, or else you're dead.
[MAN COUGHS.]
Do it! [BROOM HANDLE TAPS.]
[BROOM SCRAPES.]
[CLANGS.]
[BROOM HANDLE TAPS.]
[BANGS.]
[DRUM BANGING, LIDS CLANGING RHYTHMICALLY.]
[BROOMS SCRAPING RHYTHMICALLY.]
Are we good at this? How is it possible? I guess during the past year when we were pitching the show, we must've learned how to stomp.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[BANGING, SCRAPING, CLAPPING MUSICALLY.]
[CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY.]
[BROOMS THUMPING.]
[TRASH CAN BANGING.]
PRODUCER: Stop the play! I'm from New York City.
He's wearing a scarf! Let him speak! I'm a producer a very important person to a very small segment of people.
You simply must come with me and do this show on Broadway.
Did you hear that, family? We finally get to go to New York City.
Mm! I can almost taste that Times Square turkey.
And we got what we wanted half a show.
Good luck in New York! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Wait.
There's one thing that stands between you and New York City.
Do you have a leather jacket? We have 10.
[WILD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[RHYTHMIC BANGING.]
ALL: Stomp! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- WOMAN: Mazel tov! MAN: Let's go Mets and Yankees! MAN #2: Our clam chowder is red! Francine, Hayley, Steve? Anyone up for a little tai chi in Central P? They all left right after the show.
Again? Do you want to hit up C Park with me? I can't.
I'm a ghost.
I died in this very theater in 1927.
Only a kiss will free me from haunting this realm.
Please, sir, a kiss? [LAUGHS.]
You stupid idiot.
I'm not a ghost, I'm a perverted boy.
Morning, Steve.
I made a big family breakfast like old times.
Wait, wait, wait.
I got a joke here.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there? Not me.
I have brunch plans with Diane.
Diane? Steve's girlfriend.
It's pretty serious.
She's 50, but she looks 57.
Sorry, we have to run.
Oh, we were supposed to be at the gallery ages ago.
Gallery? Jeff is one of New York's premier underground artists.
See ya.
On Tuesdays, I play melancholy violin music on a subway platform.
Francine, what has happened to us? This family used to be so close.
Now the only time we spend together is on stage when we're performing.
I hear ya, but can we talk about it during "Stomp" tonight? I don't want to be late for my first day writing on "Law & Order.
" - What are you doing today? - Oh, I'm busy, Stan.
I've got a big day of staring out this window and reporting our neighbors to the FBI.
You don't have to be right.
You just have to have a phone.
They're all happy.
Maybe I'm not giving this town a chance.
[MELANCHOLY VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS.]
So, Balanchine's "Agon" is going at the Koch Theater.
Balanchine's "Agon"? We might as well see Hall & Oates at the ESPN Zone.
Shall we have dessert at the M&M store? Is it one of those Sundays again, Diane? [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oop, your fibromyalgia medication is ready for pick up.
[SCREAMS.]
Bird! It's in my hair! It's in my hair! [VIOLIN CONTINUES.]
It's a beautiful painting.
Thanks, but I was trying to write a book.
I'll never be a novelist! [CRYING.]
[VIOLIN CONTINUES.]
Mr.
Wolf, I have an idea for an episode.
What if a waiter gets murdered, and we find out that the murderer who murdered him isn't who we thought he was? We've already done that.
[VIOLIN CONTINUES.]
[THUNKING.]
Tough city, but I couldn't live anywhere else.
Everyone's miserable and they don't even know it.
- Stan Smith? - Yes.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
I'm Eric Jeremyson III, president of Broadway.
Hi.
Buying the North American rights to "Stomp" was a smart investment.
You must be a very happy man.
Well, obviously you are.
You're sitting here alone on this park bench, reflecting on your happiness no doubt.
- Get to it.
- I'd like to offer you and your family a lifetime contract to perform "Stomp.
" Imagine, you'll be in New York for life! But I need your answer tonight.
- Why? - For drama! Hey, where are the brooms? Huh, are they not where they always are? There's just rakes.
No brooms?! What the hell are we supposed to do with rakes?! Calm down.
We're the ones that make the show amazing.
The props don't matter.
[MOB SHOUTING.]
The props definitely matter! The brooms were the real stars! I've got to tell you something before you read it in The Village Voice tomorrow.
I switched out the brooms.
Why would you do such a thing? I know we didn't vote on it, but our family's happiness is too important to leave to democracy.
We're miserable here.
Maybe, but being miserable and pretending to love living here is just what New Yorkers do.
That's what I was doing.
Being together with you this past year, I've never felt so alone.
Me, too, babe.
Plus, these buildings are too tall.
And let's admit it, Domino's has better pizza.
The last time I was happy was when we were making memories together as a family.
I want to go back to that place.
I want to go home, too, Dad.
Wrong again, numbnuts.
Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du, ohh Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du Bye! Have a great time!