American Dad s15e13 Episode Script

Mom Sauce

1 Class, meet our new student, Snot Lonstein! Now, don't treat him any differently because he's Jewish and poor, or because his thirsty mom gave me big skank vibes.
Okay? Go sit down, honey.
I'm also allergic to nuts.
Well, lucky for you, you clearly don't have any.
I mean, the way I'm just dunkin' on you up here.
TEACHER: Everybody, take out pencils and practice your letters! Whoa, you can't even afford a penthil? My grandma has one.
I'm supposed to get it when she dies.
But I'm good Mine never runs out of ink.
Well, if it does, I have bigger problems.
You can have one of mine.
- Thanks! - I got you, pal.
From here on out, it's gonna be you and me forever.
Wow, that's a weird thing to say to someone you've just met, but thanks again! Thanks.
I blew most of my tokens on Skee-ball.
And the rest were taken from me at gunpoint in the men's room.
I got you, pal.
Hey, need any Steve Bucks? Check out the sick new re-design.
Oh! You fixed that typo that said, "In Steve We Thrust.
" Yep! And, as always, you can trade these in for whatever you need from me food, cash, some of those Glade plug-ins you like to pass off as cologne.
Thanks.
A little dab of "Hawaiian Breeze" behind my ear not only smells great, it's also the closest I'll ever get to the Caribbean.
Hey, want to kick my ass at Frogger? Can't.
My mom asked me to pick up dinner, so I got to hit up Burrito Barn.
If I throw up on the salad bar, they usually toss it all in the dumpster.
Then it's just me versus the crows.
Well, I don't want to step on your dinner plans, but why don't you guys come eat at our house? Like in the basement? From a trough? No, at the kitchen table with us.
Like the family on the TV show Dinosaurs? No way! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I gotta say Francine, your salad dressing is amazing.
I can't stop eating it! I don't even care if it goes straight to my ass! So sweet of you to say that.
My mom makes everything from scratch.
Come on, eat up! I'm actually pretty good, Steve.
Right.
A to-go plate.
Hearts of palm, fruit leather How you doing on Easter egg coloring kits? Steve, I don't think they need STEVE: Mom, don't make this weird! They have nothing! (RUSTLING) So Esther, Steve says Snot's birthday is coming up.
Where da party at? Probably Pervert Park it's always empty.
Except for the pervs.
But it's free! Although, with the pervs comes an emotional price.
Nonsense.
Have your party here.
We have a pool, a barbecue, almost no pervs.
KLAUS: Almost! - Thanks, Steve.
- Please.
You would do the same thing for me if the Salvation Army shoe were on the other foot.
- - (SIGHING) Ahh! Orange Julius.
Proof God loves us.
Hey, Roger, where'd you get that? Secret menu, baby.
Go to any Orange Julius and ask for it "Julius Style," and they'll just give you a big bowl of chicken gizzards.
Have you ever considered modeling? - Every day.
- I think you all have what it takes to be models.
Mall fashion show? What a joke.
- (LAUGHTER) - KLAUS: Oh, this is incredible.
- This is so incredible - Whoo! Jeff is excited! You guys are idiots.
Those are just flyers for a lame mall fashion show.
I'm gonna be a super model.
Aah! What the hell?! Is anyone else seeing this? - Aah! - (GRUNTS) - (THUDS) - (GROANING) (GRUNTING) There's no room! Th-There's no It doesn't work that way.
(SPLASH) You almost killed me! Now slap this out of my hand.
- Why? - Models can't drink this stuff.
We're gonna be on strict diets.
Riiiight after this.
(GULPS) Ahh.
(BURPS) Now we're models.
I just want to be a single dad with a cush job selling live bait.
What? Oh, sorry, Barry.
I just can't get over Snot's pants.
- (GAME BEEPS) - BARRY: They really showcase that poppin' apple bottom.
No.
How did he suddenly afford new pants? I hope he's not camming again.
Although, he is very good at it.
SNOT: Ugh! You beat me again! Oh, game over, huh? Need some Steve Bucks? Nah, I'm good.
But I am hungry.
Let's get some pizza.
On me.
Snot never pays for pizza.
Where is all this money coming from? Who cares? Just be happy for him.
Oh, sure.
Absolutely.
No one's rooting for that guy more than me.
But what the hell? Could we maybe just sit in silence, Steve? I have a ripping headache, we're talking in circles, and I just really want to focus on waiting for the pizza.
Wow, two large Wallet Busters? And here are some tubs of our delicious new dipping sauce.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Snot.
I'm a really big fan of your mom's sauce.
Would you mind giving me your autograph? Sure.
Might as well get used to it.
(PEN SCRIBBLES) "Snot's Mom's Mom Sauce?" Yes! Finally, a big get for Carl! I quit, Danny! I'll see your ass in hell! What's going on, Snot? Ugh, guys, can we please not make a big deal out of this? We're loaded! My mom started selling her own dressing, and Pizza Overlord is using it as their new dipping sauce in every location! No, no, mine.
Hmm.
It's just like my mom's dressing.
This is my mom's dressing! Yeah.
It's my mom's take on it.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
A-And I guess "Ice Ice Baby" is just Vanilla Ice's take on Queen's "Under Pressure"? Yeah.
My mom took something and made it better, just like Vanilla Ice did.
Well, Mr.
A1A, Mr.
Beachfront Avenue, this dressing your mom made is no "brand-new invention.
" Yay! Now work in the line "grab a hold of me tightly.
" Look, all I know is, things are going well for us, and I won't have to mooch off of you anymore.
In fact, you can have all your Steve Bucks back! Oh, now you don't need me because your mom stole my mom's dressing? Ha! That's really great, Snot.
So logistically, how do those Steve Bucks work? Do you give them back to him in exchange for money? Couldn't he just give you the money in the first place? You know what? It's not my business.
PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Listen up, fools! It's Taco Tuesday, and Snot Lonstein is no longer the poorest person in school.
Let's give it up for Mr.
Ames, the math teacher.
Don't you look at me, you bitch.
One plus one equals you poor.
Where is Snot? Probably at home crying, trying to write me an apology letter, feeling all Whoa! Jewish Jaden Smith! (HOVER-BOARD WHIRS) - I love your mom's sauce! - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Oh, if it isn't the little sauce prince.
Surprised you're not at home, covered in sauce, making out with your mom.
Oh, you're still hung up on that? Yeah, I'm still hung up on it.
I'm also thinking about hanging up my birthday party planning apron.
Oh, you thought I was still having it at your house? No.
We're recreating the Bellagio fountains on the rooftop of the Langley W.
hotel.
But what about our plan to use my house? How about the guests park on your lawn and the shuttle bus drivers can shit in your bathroom.
Does that work for you? Snotter, what's up, young bull? Is this little chicken head giving you problems? Oh, hey, while I'm looking out for you, can I borrow your hover-board? Losing that gout battle today.
Keep it.
I got three more at home.
Yo-ho! Check me out, skanks! Lewis is ridin' dirty! (GRUNTS) (MUFFLED) I'm gonna go over here now.
Okay, I'll say it.
That was flawless.
I don't know how not to nail it.
So easy to do things when we're beautiful.
If you guys are done sucking each other off which is, of course, a huge part of modeling I can tell you we're nowhere near mall fashion show level.
What do you know about it? I yank it to Vogue magazine every day no days off! (INDISTINCT WHISPERING) Okay, we agree.
You're the expert.
(SIGHS) So, everyone, great job barely eating.
I think we deserve a treat.
Jeff? Snack wagon! Laxatives and cotton balls.
(SCOFFS) I can't.
I had two cotton balls today already.
I'm disgusting.
Roger, how do you eat everything and not gain any weight? Good genes, I guess.
Hashtag blessed.
(WHISPERED) Hashtag tapeworm.
Focus! Sure, we're killing it in this attic, but we need to practice working a crowd before our big gig at the mall.
They need to be discerning, sophisticated a crowd of taste-makers.
The Chimdale Used Jet-Ski Show is this weekend.
That is what we are doing.
Who makes Mom Sauce? I make Mom Sauce! Snot's Mom's Mom Sauce On vegetables and pizza crust You'll love my mom's sauce.
They do! Snot's Mom's Mom Sauce.
That name sucks the big one! I think it's cute.
Her mom name is Snot's Mom, and as his mom, she's made this sauce for everyone.
It's a mom-friendly sauce.
Gah! They stole your recipe.
Why aren't you more upset? Snot's mom didn't steal anything from me.
My salad dressing recipe? Sure, Esther! Let me get my recipe book.
Ai-del-de, de, da-da Found my recipe card.
Ready? Partially hydrogenated oil Of course I've never made homemade dressing! Who has time for that? I put in a full eight hours of HGTV a day.
All this time, our family dressing was just Newman's Own Ranch? But how I-I-I don't Just let it go, Steve.
It's not our recipe.
The good news is, you have nothing to be mad at Snot about.
- (MACHINE WHIRS) - What the My mom's homemade window pane! Yeaaah, about that.
MUSIC BOX VOICE: Congratulations! You made the cut to Snot's Bellagio bash at the W (SNIFFS) This isn't water at all.
It's Glow by Jennifer Lopez.
That's a nice touch.
- - Remember, we are here to learn how to work a crowd.
So keep it tight, but also very loose.
Go! Now I know how scary it is to be a record.
I wonder My baby loves that chicken noodle soup Waitin' in long lines For that newly invented chicken soup Got to get that sweet, sweet, sweet sugary soup - (ENGINE REVS) - (PEOPLE SCREAM) I'm modeling! (STOMACH GROWLS) (GROANS) Work it, Stan! Make us want to bang that thing! Yes, yes! (ALL GASP) WOMAN: Sir, you can't bang that Sea-Doo! (CROWD EXCLAIMS) Check it out! I've got a hologram of Prince! Tiny, little sexual guy Uh! As you can see, this party is pretty crunked.
Steve! I'm glad you made it! Things were a little weird the other day.
I wasn't sure you were coming.
(CHUCKLES) What? I wouldn't miss this.
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIR) (PEOPLE SCREAM) What the hell?! (QUIETLY) Happy birthday.
Nobody steals recipes from Paul Newman and gets away with it.
What? Who are you? We're Newman's Own Copyright Protection Unit.
(WHIRRING CONTINUES) Where are you taking my mom?! To Newman's Own Women's Own Prison.
Oh, no! No, no, no.
You You can't take her! You're just supposed to take her money.
Her son has no one else! One step ahead of you.
Child Protective Services? Yeah, we got a pickup for you.
No! Don't call them! (SOBBING) Mom! My Shmuley! Noooooo! Honey, are you the abandoned child? I guess so.
I haven't really had time to process it.
We are Child Protective Services, and you need to get on the ground! (GAGS) Wait a minute.
Are you Lindsay Lohan? That's right.
Don't do drugs.
(GAGGING) - - (TIRES SCREECH) What were you thinking?! I didn't know this would happen.
I just wanted things to go back to normal, when Snot was poor, and he looked at me like a god.
Hmm.
Not sure I like the way he feels in my arms.
Yeah, that's awkward as hell.
You're right, honey.
We should do that wine cellar instead.
STEVE: We'll give him a home.
Steve! What are you doing here? I told you, it's you and me forever.
Now come to Stevie! Hmm.
Let me just Nope.
Wow.
You are sort of awkward.
H-Have you had a scoliosis screening? Yep.
Got it bad.
First off, thank you for choosing adoption.
Most couples, especially smoking-hot ones like yourselves, insist on having biological children.
Um, we're not a couple.
I'm a child.
You think that six could bag this dime? Steve Smith (GASPS) What a coincidence.
Says here you're the reason Snot's here - in the first place.
- What? Steve tipped off Newman's Own about your mom's dressing.
So they arrested her and turned you over to us.
I knew it.
You couldn't stand seeing me and my mom on top for once, so you made sure we lost everything we ever had! That's not true! A-And you still have me! You're dead to me.
So if you two aren't dating, does that mean you're single? Who are you asking? Whoever wants to answer.
I'm so sorry for everything, Mrs.
Lonstein.
I'm sure Snot told you what happened.
No.
Is he okay? I used my phone time to get on Loveline.
Dr.
Drew has amazing advice on dating prison guards.
He says, "Do it.
Get some if you can.
" That's, uh good advice.
(SOBS) Are you okay? When I said I hadn't talked to Snot, that was a little bit of a fib.
Ya dead, suckah! - (GRUNTS) - Cover the camera! You separated this family! And I'm gonna do the same thing to your body and your dick.
Aah! Aah, aah! - (SHIV CLATTERS) - (GROANS) I need another shiv.
Please, remember the oath you took as a prison guard and protect my dick! You want this shiv, it's gonna cost you two bottles.
(GLASS CLINKS) What the hell is that? Mrs.
Lonstein's toilet wine.
Everybody loves it.
You make wine in a toilet? I do! I also make dark chocolate in my underwear.
That's just a gross joke.
You got to laugh to stay sane in here.
By the way, the warden would like a case of your toilet wine for his son's christening.
Yeah? Then tell him I want a sushi pizza.
You want a sushi pizza? I can get you one.
People will do anything for my toilet wine.
Huge pass on the fish pizza, but I have an idea how to get you out of prison.
(BOTTLE CLINKS) (WOMAN GRUNTING) (CLINK) WOMAN: Nobody steals my Lonstein's Toilet Wine.
Lonstein's Toilet Wine.
It's okay to drink from the toilet.
NARRATOR: Lonstein's Toilet Wine is a division of Newman's Own Industries.
Isn't that your mom's fancy wine? You must be so rich.
Actually, no.
My mom had to give it all to Newman's Own to get out of jail.
So you're not rich? - Yeah, he is.
- Ooh! Is this real money? Well, it's more a currency of friendship.
You guys are chodes.
But just in case George Soros follows through on his scheme to destabilize the dollar.
Soros, aye? Have I been too generous with these? I'm still mad at you, Steve.
But you are a hoot.
I'm so sorry for everything I did.
I was just scared of losing you.
Scared? I thought you were jealous that, for once, I had more money than you.
No! I thought I was gonna lose your friendship.
See, I've always been your sugar daddy, and when you got your own sugar, I was worried you wouldn't want to hang out with daddy anymore.
That's crazy! You'll always be my daddy.
I know everyone says this, but kids really do talk different these days.
Friends? Best friends.
Oh, look! It's nutless and lisp boy.
Were Were you our kindergarten teacher? I don't know.
Is your mom still a skank? Enjoy your food.
(BOTH GROAN) Okay.
It's all led up to this.
Everyone looks amazing.
And we got here by making healthy choices.
(WEAKLY) Whoo! Time to own the runway.
- (STOMACH GRUMBLES) - Roger, are you okay? Just a nervous tummy for the big show.
Let's do this, you beautiful bitches.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (THUD) (WOMAN SCREAMS) (WORM GROWLS) - Ew! - Ew! - So shine bright - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Tonight - You and I - (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK) - We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky - Work it, you slimy bitch.
Eye to eye Ohh, baby.
I see why you got the cover.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Klaus, are you in there with a spank mag again? It's Vogue, you Neanderthal! (GROANS) Bye! Have a beautiful time!