American Dad s15e14 Episode Script

Hamerican Dad!

1 It's official.
I closed escrow on my house in Maine.
- Alright, Roger! - Alright, alright, alright! Whoo! Yeah, Stan, yeah.
Thanks, Roger, but I was dancing for me.
My friend Skip Yates died.
You're dancing 'cause your friend died? Well, he was a member of my ham club.
I'll now explain what that is.
For those who already know, I authorize you to leave the room.
[CLATTERING, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.]
The Tappahonnock Ham Society is a brotherhood of Southern gentlemen who carry out the great Virginian tradition of curing and aging hams.
- Ham the meat? - The same.
- That's cool.
- Very.
And the only way to rise up the ranks in ham club is if someone dies.
So Skip's death is friggin' huge for me.
And why? I'll get slightly better ham now.
Thanks, Skippy.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- Do you have - A governing body in ham club? Excellent question.
We have a president, VP, treasurer, and, best job of all, carver.
And that position is open, thanks to the big-rig tire that jumped through Skip's windshield.
I was gonna ask you if had any idea where the bathroom was.
The bathroom at ham club? It's an 18th-century outhouse.
Pretty cool.
That is pretty cool.
With a red-eye gravy sandwiched between a fresh buttermilk biscuit.
Mmm.
Ham, you mean.
Well, I think I'll turn in.
Can I get you two some coffee to go? No, Carol.
Thank you.
You can put the coffee in proper mugs.
We're gonna stay a while.
Stan, I know this might sound crazy, but I feel like your friend died for a reason to open up a slot for me in ham club.
You in ham club? I don't think so.
- Why not? - You're not a good fit.
By that, I just mean I don't think anyone would like you.
Also, you have a tendency to ruin all my things.
I ruin everyone's things.
That's my thing, and now you've ruined it.
[CRYING.]
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Roger wants to join ham club.
Roger? No.
Ham club has standards, Stan.
I tried to tell him that, but he gets so emotional.
He's carrying around his vial of hemlock again.
Does Roger even have a relationship with ham? - None.
- So get him an interview.
Let his lack of ham knowledge do the rest.
That's genius.
I'm a friend.
I throw his hat in the ring.
But you coach him so he doesn't jeopardize your reputation with any of his typical Roger antics.
I thread the needle.
There's nothing easier.
I know I don't say it enough, Klaus, but you're a hell of a valet.
Don't mention it, Stan.
The way you shit on me in front of everyone and pretend we don't have this special connection is thank you enough.
Oh, my God.
Tuttle? He is such a scaredy-cat.
Yeah, I've seen him scared tons of times.
I've seen Jeff scared.
Oh, yeah, I've seen, like, 20 Jeffs scared.
Spell it with a "G," a "J," if your name's Jeff, you're scared, and I've seen it.
Check it.
I'm gonna flip it on you.
Who have you never seen scared? Great cue.
You know, I've I've never seen Greg scared.
That's true.
Weird.
Pfft, Greg.
Greg the egg.
I could scare him.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
How would you do it? Easy.
Come at him with an ax.
[ROGER SOBBING.]
[CRYING.]
Wow, Roger, this place looks great.
I'll drink it, Stan.
I will.
I got you an interview with my ham club.
Oh, thank you, Stan.
I'm so friggin' amped.
[GRUNTS.]
About that.
Sometimes you can be a little big.
- I'll wear my girdle.
- I mean your personality.
- My personality? - It's just you can be flamboyant, and these guys are fancy.
You put those polar opposites together, - and things could get - Flambancy? - Exactly.
- So should I not be myself? Yes.
Thanks for making this easy.
So how should I act? Buttoned-up, humble, all about ham.
What were you thinking of wearing? Two hooks for my hands, two hooks for my feet.
Hello, Roger.
I'm Ignatius Calhoun, 22nd President of the Tappahonnock Ham Society, and on behalf of the membership, thank you for chatting with us about a subject we hold most dear.
I speak, of course, of ham.
[CHUCKLES.]
Of course.
I know you're a friend of Brother Stan, so I'll get to the meat of the matter.
Do you like ham? Roger? Your thoughts on ham? Yes, yes.
Bottom line, there's not a thing in all God's creation I love more than the taste of clam.
Uh, sorry.
What I'm trying to say is that, more than anything in the world, I want in your clam club.
Sugar.
Obviously, you get I'm trying to say "clam," not "clam.
" Motherfu Thanks so much.
Pleasure.
Excuse my handshake.
It's not an accurate reflection of who I am.
He's a really nice guy, but Not a Tappahonnock man.
I get it.
I'll let him down easy.
That wasn't so bad.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Whatever happens now is out of my control.
[SIGHS.]
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Ain't happening, Jack.
Now, with status quo secure, shall we get down to the matter at ham? More like matter at ham.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- That that was That was my joke.
What the hell is going on? Oh, shit.
Come on, babe, why don't we paint the town? And all that ham I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down And all that ham Start the car, I know a whoopee spot Where the ham is cold, but some of it's also hot It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl And all that jazz ham [SONG ENDS.]
- [STAN GRUNTS.]
- So, do you think it went well? I just slammed you against a wall.
Yeah, but sometimes people do that before hardcore sex.
- Are we - You made a fool of me.
I never should've vouched for you.
You owe us an apology, Smith.
Where you been hiding this guy? Roger, we'd be honored if you'd join the Tappahonnock Ham Society.
- What? - What? Oh, my God.
I was so worried you wouldn't let me in after I did the splits and that feather went up my butt, but maybe you didn't notice.
IGNATIUS: Heavenly Father, we thank You for providing this ham.
This ham is a good ham, and it is the work of Your hands.
May this ham bless our bodies and give us the strength to endure the day.
Amen.
Nice [BLEEP.]
prayer, man.
Are you nuts? It's your first day.
Stay in your lane.
Geez.
Got it.
Sorry.
Hey, check it out.
Meat curtains.
[LAUGHTER.]
This guy's a live wire.
Look at me.
I'm somebody's wife.
Mr.
Brave, huh? That's what you're calling yourself? 'Cause that's a bunch of crap, if you ask me.
Hi, Francine.
Hi? Let's see who's saying hi when I change your world.
What you doing with the ax? This is what I'm doing with the ax, Greg! - Mmm.
- Good gracious.
I propose we move on to discussing glazes.
Now, I've been contemplating dried honeysuckle.
Ugh, again with the ham? Don't you guys ever do anything else? This is a ham club.
And I love ham.
Top 10 meat, no question.
But there's more to life.
- Like what? - I don't know.
Anyone heard of Six Flags? - Well, that sounds good.
- What about ham? Arturo's smiling.
What do you say, Iggy? Day at the park? You're a prime candidate for Yosemite Sam's Hollywood Flight School.
Let's get in the car! - Alright, alright, alright.
- I say, whoo-hoo! I hope my face shows how mad I am emotionally.
MAN: Stop the coaster! Something's wrong! - Stupid Roger.
- Stan, where the heck were you during the "Looney Tunes" meet and greet? Arturo high-fived Speedy Gonzales.
Congratulations, Roger.
Once again, you've ruined something I love.
Arturo, why don't you run along and buy some churros and a basketball jersey.
I feel overdressed.
Probably a long shot they sell them here, but everyone's wearing one, so maybe.
The club was perfect, but you just had to change it.
You couldn't stay in your lane.
Lane, schmane.
- Just take ham.
- What ham? Any ham.
All the ham.
Whatever "ham" you want in life, just take it.
See this? It's Arturo's two-year ham.
How'd you get that? Only cabinet members get the prestige ham.
I took it.
Did it in front of him, too.
He didn't say shit.
Here.
Arturo, Stan ganked a piece of your two-year.
[GASPS.]
See? You just took ham, and there were no repercussions.
Whoa.
Now picture "taking ham" in the biggest way possible.
Doesn't have to be ham-related.
What do you want most in life? I want to be the new ham carver.
Yes.
It didn't have to be ham-related, but I'm glad it was.
It's settled.
You're gonna be carver.
But how? Put on a fresh pot, Carol.
We're writing a candidacy poem.
- A what? - Yeah, I need clarification, too.
Stan, it's a poem to announce, with authority, you're the man to carve the ham.
Oh, we're already rhyming.
Oh, my God, Carol.
Why aren't you writing this down? Ham, pam, ram, bam, blam, shlam.
- Shlam! - Shlam! I like to eat my ham.
It makes me feel like shmam.
- Hey, another rhyme.
- I brought cookies.
Not now, Carol.
We're finally onto something.
I have nothing.
I'm a fraud.
All I can hear is the ticking of this tiny clock.
[CLOCK CRASHES.]
[BOTH MUNCHING.]
I was probably too harsh on Carol.
This cookie was just the spark I needed.
- She should've knocked.
- Right? Well, we did it.
I think it's pretty good, too.
So, how long you been writing poems? Oh, God, all my life.
Kind of what I thought I'd be, a poem-writing guy.
"I like to eat my ham.
"It makes me feel like shmam.
"Have you seen the movie 'Kazaam'? "But back to ham.
"Did you know that an imam "is a man who leads prayers in a mosque? "What if you pronounced imam "i-mam"? "W-would that make you think of ham? "My name is Stan.
Ham.
" ROGER: Ne-e-xt.
[LAUGHTER.]
What kind of dillbag writes a poem? The poem sucked.
I dare say, Roger, you should be the new ham carver.
Me? Okay, I'll do it.
- Whoo-hoo! - My man! I wrote the poem, by the way.
We loved the poem.
Hey, bud, great meeting tonight.
You sabotaged me.
Well, yeah, Stan.
You didn't want me in your ham club.
That really hurt my feelings.
I didn't want you in my ham club because you do things like this.
Eh, feels like we got a "chicken or the egg" situation here.
Besides, we bust balls in this club.
You got to come right back at me, dude.
Arturo actually brought that up.
He's been clocking it.
He's actually a pretty funny guy if you can get him talking about something other than dinosaurs.
Oh, God, how I want my first ham for the club to be absolute perfection.
The boys will accept only the best, and yet mine looks nothing like this good ham.
Oh, bother.
Maybe I should step away and rest my fevered mind and returneth anew in the freshness of the morn.
But shall I secure my precious ham? Nay.
Let it lieth here under the eyes of angels.
For now, I seeketh repose in my chambers, to drift dreamward while hardcore porn blasts on my Samsung Galaxy 9+.
Let's see how much your butt buddy Arturo loves you after he pukes his guts out.
ROGER: Oh, this gentleman doth be nice and veiny.
My little birds tell me you skipped Tappahonnock last night.
It's not like you to miss a carve, Stan.
But it is like me to not eat poison.
Tee-hee-hee-hee, hee-hee-hee-hee.
You were right, Stan.
I should've stayed in my lane.
Oh, was your ham not a complete and total success? [ALL GROANING.]
Oh, my God, these men are far sicker than medium-strength food-poisoning sick.
That's a strange way to put it.
Uh, uh, but would you agree? Look at them.
- They're at death's door.
- Stay calm.
I'll load them into a U-Haul and drive them into the ocean.
- Just wait.
- I already rented the U-Haul, Stan.
- It's done.
- Slow down.
We could drop them at a hospital? A hospital.
Those nosy nurses will track this right back to me I mean us I mean you.
We need to bring the men somewhere quiet, secluded, where we can nurse them back to health.
My house in Maine.
It's super secluded.
And the Maine breezes, Stan, oh, my God, they're curative.
Okay, Maine.
- Maine? - Maine.
- Maine! - Maine! Those bones look broken.
I suggest you get to Maine immediately.
Eh, there's only so much Maine can do.
Mom, you're awake.
You've been in a coma.
What? You got hit by a truck charging across the street to scare Greg.
- Greg! - [HORN HONKS, TIRES SCREECH.]
Look out! So, why are you in the hospital, Hayley? Are you sick, too? No, I'm visiting you.
Ah.
Francine, thank God you're okay.
But I didn't scare you.
What? We didn't think you'd make it.
You scared me terribly.
Yeah, I did, you little bitch.
High five, Hayley.
- Let's do the other one.
- Absolutely not.
Get it.
Aah! Nurse! Now, I know sleeping in a new bed can be scary, but just lie back and let Maine do its work.
Good night, you princes of ham, you kings of ham.
What are you doing? I was in there.
You were? Stan, those men are quite sick.
They're not your playthings.
Better make sure you didn't bother them.
ROGER: Here comes the tickle monster.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Ah, first cup of the day.
Second cup of the day.
Third cup of the day.
Ah.
Now to cure the men.
What a mess.
Feel that Maine breeze, men.
It'll cure you.
Sponge baths will also cure you, Arturo.
Oh, I forgot my soothing eucalyptus spray.
Wait.
Did I even pack that? Why am I running? Little more breeze time.
Arturo, wake up.
Chloe Sevigny's sucking Vincent Gallo's di [ALL GROANING.]
We should've done this a long time ago, Stan.
The men are really responding to the ocean.
Stan, have you noticed how I hold my hot drinks in Maine with two hands? I think you should try it.
The men aren't getting better, Roger.
Stan! Arturo escaped! He can't have gone far.
Grab a few Uzis, and we'll fan out in the woods.
God, I should never have let you in this club.
Then you couldn't have clowned me so hard after I read my poem, I wouldn't have gotten mad and poisoned your Poisoned my what? Your ham.
I poisoned your ham.
Son of a bitch.
You know what you did? - You took ham.
- What? Poisoning ham is the ultimate example of taking ham.
- So you're not mad? - Mad? I'm proud of you, man.
[ARTURO GROANS, FARTS.]
Arturo, what the heck are you doing under there, you silly? [ARTURO GROANS.]
Wait.
Did you hear that? - What? - He's trying to say, "Ha-a-a-m.
" - I'm not sure.
- Of course you're not sure.
We don't know what we're doing.
But they know.
Their bodies want ham.
We need to make a ham so good it'll restore their will to live.
- A redemption ham.
- Redemption ham.
This ham's nice.
Ooh, but this is also a nice ham.
And get a load of this ham, Stan.
That's the ham.
Should we also get some pumpkin butter while we're here? I think we have enough on our Stan, we need to focus.
We have enough on our plate.
Hands are full, Stan.
Just buy the pumpkin butter.
Two big ones.
It seems you've rediscovered your passion for curing and aging hams.
[MEN FARTING.]
It stinks in here, right? Should I crack a window? I'm worried about the ham.
It's not enough.
Cut it down, Stan.
Run.
Run from the farts.
It'll get in the ham.
For those of you who participated in the farting, I hope you had a good laugh, but I've got a joke for you.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Not a ham to look at.
Oh, I don't hear any laughing now.
Sinking in, huh? It's sinking in what happened.
Good.
I want it to.
Think long and hard.
Me? I'll be downstairs with Stan, having fun, looking at the ham whenever I want.
[MAN FARTS.]
Who did it? Who was it? I'll smell every ass in It's time, Arturo.
No.
Not for that, silly, for me and Stan's ham.
It's gonna be nice.
I hope this works.
So, how do you want to serve it? Real thick-like? - Super thin.
- Like prosciutto.
American prosciutto.
Again with the correcting.
I don't understand.
I can see there's no tricking you, Stan, so I'll just come clean.
I poisoned our redemption ham.
Why, you ask? Because I was having so much fun with you, and I knew if the men got better, we'd leave.
I think it was just always about that.
Joining the club, I just wanted to spend time with you.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I was a jerk.
You said no one would like me.
I know, and I was wrong.
Plus, you taught me to take ham.
Do you have any idea how big that is? Hug time? I also poisoned the first ham.
- What? - The ham you poisoned? I also poisoned it.
- Like, a lot.
- Why'd you do that? To get you to Maine, man.
How great is it here? Very great.
You know what's not so very great? The men.
Ah, yes, the sticky question of the men.
I've been thinking on this, Stan, and when I put my mind to something, watch out, because great things can occur.
Were you gonna say an idea? Oh, yeah.
I'll stop feeding them poison hams.
I'll also stop poisoning their water.
I've been poisoning their water.
Although, I will say, I think they like the poison water even though it's bad for them.
People don't know what's good for them, Stan.
- Let us out of here! - My family thinks I'm dead! There's gonna be hell to pay! - The men seem to be thriving, Roger.
- I'll say.
You know, if we're gonna do that little detour to Lake Champlain, which I would really like to do, the men will have to be subdued.
Oh, we're doing the trip.
Alright, piggies, it's watering time.
Oh, boy! Water! Bye-bye.
See you soon.