American Dad s15e16 Episode Script

Lost Boys

1 Today is our 10th Friendiversary.
10 years ago, four kids entered a Chuck E.
Cheese ball pit as strangers, but they emerged [SNIFFLES] They emerged best friends.
[WAILING] I promised myself I wouldn't do this! Let's skip the speech and go straight to dessert.
[R&B MUSIC PLAYS] In a Chuck E.
Cheese These four boys will meet It's our Friendiversary Friendiversary We're Snot, we're Barry, we're Steve, and Toshi It's our Friendiversary Friendiversary It's our Friendiversary-y-y-y-y Squash, squash, squash! Squash, squash! Roger needs a squash partner! - Roger! - Steve! Big squash tourney tomorrow.
I need you to be my squash partner.
Squash.
I don't even know what squash is.
What?! Everyone knows squash.
- Roger.
- Squash.
It's our Friendiversary.
My week is jam-packed with friendship activities.
Jam-packed! - But, Steve - I'm not gonna ditch my friends.
Sorry, you'll need to find another squash partner.
Everybody at the club is paired up, and the club doesn't allow blacks, Jews, or women.
That rules out my tennis partner, Rashika Greenblatt.
The racism is thick, but so is the club's lobster bisque, which is why I'll never walk away.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
If you have the legendary shards, I recommend you visit Xur on Titan and purchase the Wardcliff Coil Rocket Launcher.
[GROANS] Then get the legendary shards, you [BLEEP] licking suckboy! Third graders.
I can't believe it.
I asked Steve to play squash and he wouldn't cancel plans with his friends.
Those guys are tight, bro.
They remind me of my boys in Tampa.
You don't have friends in Tampa.
[CHUCKLING] Okay, pal.
Then why do I have a tattoo of an alligator in a bikini driving down I-4? - [MAN SCREAMS] - Oh, you made me lose! Make him lose his friends.
Excellent idea, Klaus! [WOMAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] Slow down, lady.
Your son is a liar.
What?! He was the one swearing at me, and he made a Chinese joke! [SHOUTING CONTINUES] Oh, w well, I'm Chinese, too! [URINATING, HUMMING] Man, look at the splash back.
Got that Super Soaker thrust.
You're just painting those Entertainment Weekly's - in the magazine rack.
- [ZIPS PANTS] Your flattery won't get me to play squash.
Squ-what? [LAUGHS] I haven't thought about that in ages.
You seemed really into it, like, 10 minutes ago.
Speaking of minutes ago, how many has it been since Barry ate? What a fat guy, don't you think? He does struggle with weight, but I love my Care Bare, big or small.
Speaking of small, what about Snot's bank account, am I right? Oh, Snotter, so poor in money, so rich in character.
You're impossible.
I'm not gonna keep recording over all my great business ideas for this crap.
ROGER: A novelty device that transforms Julia Child's voice into a deep, scary monster voice.
Oh, wait.
Oh, wait, did I miss my stop? I'm looking for the ferry to Alcatraz.
Or is it swimmable? I'm on a budget.
This is my first time in San Francisco.
That's not true.
Why did I say that? I almost lost this because of you! This is pretty interesting.
Four 12-year-old kids designed a computer that destroyed all of Cincinnati.
- Wow.
- Oh, misread it.
It was 412 1-year-olds.
That's a lot less interesting.
You guys aren't gonna believe this.
Jeff has a talent! - Bullshit.
- It's true.
We were just watching the house-renovation show "Flip or Flop," and Jeff knew when to flip and he knew when to flop.
- I did.
- How is this possible? Mom, when you look around the house, what do you see? Walls.
Just a lot of walls.
[SCOFFS] Walls.
What a noob.
What do we see, Jeff, you and I? When I look at a house, I can see beyond the walls - Uh-huh.
- above the ceiling - That's right.
- and below the floor.
- Bingo.
- I can see its bones.
Happy now, Francine? If we combine his instincts with your money, the sky's the limit.
The sky, you say? He's surveying the bones of our house.
He is? Well, don't hold out on us, Jeff.
What do you see? [BREATHES DEEPLY] Your house has great bones.
- [SIGHS] - Wow, he's good.
Do me, do me! How are my bones? [BREATHES DEEPLY] You're not a house, Mr.
S.
A goddamn master.
Kick those legs, Barry! I can't do it! Swan! I'll never learn to swim.
[COAXINGLY] Barry.
Barry.
[CHUCKLES] Stop making me laugh.
There's that smile! Aww, I love you guys.
Steve, I set up a cabana and filled it with strippers.
Roger, go away.
It's Friendiversary swim day.
Why don't you come over here and swim into some strange? This is Steve, the underage boy I was telling you about.
You really don't get it, huh? These are my friends, and I'll never turn my back on them.
You can tell yourself that, but you'll slip up, just like I told myself I was never gonna see another Woody Allen movie, but there I was, first in line for "Blue Jasmine.
" So boring, so good.
[DOG BARKING, SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE] This neighborhood looks kind of seedy.
Is that a Satanic church next door? They practice Santería.
I don't know the difference, but I'm told there is one.
Has anyone died in here? It feels like someone died in here.
No! God no.
The last owner was stabbed in the house, but he managed to crawl to the lawn before he died.
Jeff, tell us about the house.
Quite possibly the greatest bones I've ever seen.
Let's see them bones! What the hell are you doing?! You know what? Screw it.
I'm quitting this industry.
I have quit a lot of industries, though.
I'm reconsidering.
Guess what.
I'm back, babies! Aah! You know what? I'm quitting this body.
I have quit a lot of bodies, though.
I'm reconsidering.
[SCREAMING] 10 years ago, we met within the hallowed and ultimately unprofitable walls of this Chuck E.
Cheese.
The ball pit gave life to our friendship.
But it also gave life to a super fungus that blinded an entire Little League team and closed the doors forever.
And now we immortalize our friendship with some light vandalism.
Ugh, Toshi, that sucks.
ANNOUNCER: That's right, Banksy.
"American Dad's" calling you a hack! Reveal your identity and fight us.
"American Dad" We are [GRAVELY VOICE] Who disturbs my slumber? [BOYS SCREAMING] Aah! You vandalized my beautiful home! It wasn't my idea! Uh, Snot, Barry, and Toshi made me do it! [JULIA CHILD'S VOICE] Whoa, you turned on your friends so fast.
I didn't even get to [GRAVELY VOICE] clamp your balls in a mouse trap.
Clamp their balls, not mine! T-They can't be far.
I'll I'll help you find them.
Toshi lives closest.
I say we go there first.
- [GASPS] - And we can trap Barry with food.
He'll eat himself to death like a goldfish.
There's a lot of fight in Snot, but we can nab him when he's weakest Right after he sells his plasma.
Nah, I've got rat stuff to do.
Good luck digging yourself out of this hole, Steve.
How do you know my name? Uh [JULIA CHILD'S VOICE] Chuck E.
Cheese knows all the children's names.
So should we report the guy in the rat costume assaulting kids? [CHUCKLES] I'm more concerned about the rat in the guy costume assaulting friendships.
- Snotter - Don't Snotter me.
You betrayed us! I haven't felt this betrayed since "Scrubs" moved to ABC! How old were you when that happened? Well, how old am I now and when was that, and now subtract.
Think, Snot.
Think! This bad blood this is on you! Snot, please take me back as a friend.
I can't get Bluetooth to sync, but pretend it's playing your favorite Matisyahu song.
So I should just pretend his entire catalogue is playing at the same time? Fat chance! You backstabbed us during Friendiversary! 0-for-3.
I'd say you're 3-for-3 at losing your friends.
Perfect record, bud.
Thanks for putting a positive spin on it.
Looks like you're the only friend I have left.
We all make mistakes, but life is like a game of squash.
You got to keep on whackin'.
I forgot all about your tournament.
- Rotten Steve! - You stop that right now.
I doubt there's even time to enter the tournament.
Well, we could make the cutoff.
But we wouldn't be able to take my friend Nancy's hot aerobics class before.
Would you be willing to play without taking Nancy's hot aerobics, Steve? Honestly, we won't be as loose.
Okay.
I'll be your squash partner.
You're giving me a second chance at friendship, and this time, I'm gonna do it right.
- Oh! - You're doing it wrong! Damn it, Steve, clear a path! You got it, friend.
Get a clue, Steve.
[BLEEP] Well played, Chip.
Your serve.
Hey, Rog, the kid's all covered in welts.
- Your serve, Chip.
- How about we call it? How about you serve, Chip? [SIGHS] Okay, Steve, clear that path and we got this.
[SLOW MOTION] Clear a path! Path! Clear it! Aah! [BLEEP] Hell of a game.
Nice backhand today, Bob.
My partner just didn't have it.
Is he gonna be okay? Are you gonna be okay? Hey, you just worry about the next round.
Go win this thing.
What are we doing next? I don't understand.
You're acting like we're friends, but you're bad at squash.
What am I missing here? You're missing high-quality backpacks made out of recycled materials! - I am? - [MOCKINGLY] "I am?" [LAUGHS] Just kidding.
Step inside.
I'll hook you up.
- Steve, I'm gonna do this.
- I'll come with.
[MOCKINGLY] "I'll come with.
" [LAUGHS] - You're worse than this guy.
- You stay.
You are really funny.
[DOG BARKING] They don't make bones like this anymore.
Damn right.
So, what's the next step? - Renovations? - And cover up these bones? Mr.
S, are you the stupidest person I've ever met? - Jeff! - No, he's right.
I spoke out of turn.
Go on, Jeff.
It's time to flip this house, and I recommend we only consider all-cash offers.
A goddamn master.
[GROANS] I wish you weren't married, Chip.
I bet your wife doesn't do this, Chip.
[WARBLING] Wakey, wakey.
I made you breakfast in bed.
It's cold because it's almost dinnertime.
- Okay, we need to talk.
- Best friend talk.
- Shut up and listen to me.
- Best friend listen.
Our so-called "friendship" was based on a mutual love of squash, which you didn't share.
This is over.
But But you're my only friend! No.
Now clear a path.
Sure thing, buddy.
[LAUGHS] See? We can make this work.
You've got a clingy friend on your hands, bro.
[SCOFFS] I'm gonna head over to the pier and work on my robot man routine.
Everything will be normal by the time I get back.
Ahh, there's so many sick piers in Tampa.
My boy Vance basically lives there.
He makes bank selling butterfly knives to tourists.
Nobody believes you have friends in Tampa.
Oh, yeah? Then where did I get skin cancer, smart guy? [COASTER RIDERS SCREAMING] Beep, boop, beep, beep, boop.
Beep, boop, boop, beep Dad, that robot wants money.
beep, beep, boop, boop, beep Stay away from him.
These guys have diseases.
Shut up! You don't know me.
You're just a lucky guesser.
Beep, boop, beep I'm Robot Man's best friend, Gold Boy.
[WHISPERING] It's me Steve.
[ROBOT VOICE] Get lost, Gold Boy.
[NORMAL VOICE] No can do.
I'm your sidekick for all eternity.
[WHISPERING] And in real life, too.
- Beep, boop! - Aah! Beep.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] Hello! Welcome.
So, it's protective booties for everyone.
- I'm sure you've noticed the bones.
- Huh? So, we're asking potential buyers for a heartfelt letter outlining why you should get the house.
Sorry, I thought this house was abandoned.
See, my girlfriend has diarrhea, and I wanted to shoot up a little.
Damn it! No one wants this house.
Nobody cares about bones.
Jeff screwed us! Jeffrey, is this true? Did you screw us? Looks like I did, Mr.
S.
Okay, you can kill him.
Run, babe! We're all gonna need fresh booties to go back in! [GARGLING] I can't get rid of Steve.
[CHUCKLES] Courtney, my boy in Tampa, he had a clinger like this.
Florida State girl.
You know how that goes.
Actually, I don't, and neither do you because none of those people exist.
I have an actual crisis! What did you expect? You blew up his entire support system for a squash partner.
- [DOORKNOB RATTLES] - STEVE: Roger, you in there? - You going wee-wee? - What do I do, Klaus? Instead of losing Steve, you should be reuniting him with his old friends.
[DRILL WHIRS] Peek-a-boo! Aah! You got me, buddy! How can I reunite Steve and his friends? Well, to learn about that, you have to learn about friendship, and if you want to learn about friendship, we have to go to Tampa.
There's no way you have friends in Tampa.
But a little trip to get away from Steve, I'm in.
Pack for the heat.
You got any tank tops? I have a framed sleeveless Aaron Rodgers jersey.
Hmm.
Do you own a glass cutter? I do, but it's also framed.
Okay, grab both frames and we'll figure it out on the way to the airport.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES] Steve won't stop texting.
"In line at a goat cheese sale.
Pick you up a log?" Can you believe this guy? "Two logs.
" Relax.
Steve just has to reunite with his old friends, and once you see how tight me and my boys are, you'll know how to make that happen.
Now stop worrying and take in these Florida swamps.
Wow, so these are the people who decide who's president every time.
We gon' make Hulk Hogan president! You know best! There's a doorbell.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, SOUR NOTES PLAY] When you show up at a friend's house, make sure you bring a fancy gift.
Here, give these blunt wraps to Big Ed.
You're gonna love these dudes.
They're so funny.
'Sup? 'Sup? Whoa, no way.
Your friends are real.
Look at this.
There's an inside, and more guys! This is my boy, Roger.
He's chill.
He's here to learn about friendship.
- 'Sup? - 'Sup? Whoa, Klaus' stories are for real? I can't believe it.
Astroturf rug check.
Unlicensed exotic animal storage check.
The fan that's never on despite it being 120 degrees in here check.
But surely the torn poster was a work of fiction.
[GASPS] The torn poster! In all its glory.
Please, please take me to the toilet Big Ed cracked when he sat on it backwards.
What the hell are you doing out there? What? I was chill.
Was I not chill? No, you're being all crazy.
What was that bullshit about the fan? I told you that in confidence.
Okay, sorry.
[SIGHS] I'm chill now.
- [SNAKE HISSING] - Holy [BLEEP] is that the water moccasin Vance took to the Orlando premier of "Scary Movie 4"?! Pull yourself together, man.
Grab a room-temperature Otterpop from the lighter drawer and just cool out.
I'll go try to smooth it over with the guys.
Roger, where are you going? We haven't solved your Steve problem.
I think I got my problem solved.
[ENGINE STARTS] Y'all gon' make me lose my mind Up in here My mom and dad are gonna kill us! FRANCINE: These walls won't hold forever! [SLEDGEHAMMER SLAMMING] This is all my fault, babe.
I never knew anything about flipping houses.
I just wanted to be closer to you.
Oh, babe.
I love you for who you are.
OLD-TIMEY NARRATOR: And so ends the greatest love story ever told.
Y'all gon' make me act a fool Up in here, up in here Roger, you returned to me! Y'all gon' make me lose my cool Up in here, up in here - Whose car is this? - Buckle up.
We're going to a Friendiversary event.
Oh, those guys don't want to see me.
Of course they want to see you.
- You're gonna save their lives.
- Huh? 'Cause you a soft type What I figured out how to reunite you with your friends.
Dog is a dog, blood's thicker than water I put a water moccasin into the Chesterbrook pool, and then I invited your friends to play Marco Polo with Olympic great Michael Phelps.
People will believe anything in a Facebook invite.
Fake news! Oh, my God, why would you do that?! So you can save their lives and prove your loyalty.
[TIRES SCREECH] Go get your friends back.
When Michael Phelps shows up, please don't tell him I'm sitting on six pool noodles.
[PANTING] Get out of the pool! There's a deadly snake! Save it, Steve.
I know I betrayed you, but you got to believe me! Save it.
You don't need to pretend to save our lives.
We already forgive you, Steve.
What? Y-You do? We got to talking, and a giant rat grabbing us, we all would've blabbed.
I can't believe I got my best friends back.
You were saying something about a snake? Oh, my God, the snake! ROGER: What's taking so long? [HISSES] Loud batch of Natty Ice.
Oh, I dumped the wrong cooler.
There's no snake in here.
Roger must've lied to reunite us.
BARRY: Guys, look! I'm swimming! It's a Friendiversary miracle! Snake! [SCREAMS] Man down! We need to find the bite and suck out the venom! ALL: Ooh! Inner thigh.
[SIGHS] I'll do it.
No.
We're best friends, and we'll all suck out the venom.
ROGER: I think I finally understand friendship.
OLD-TIMEY NARRATOR: And so ends the greatest love story ever told.
Have a great night!