American Dad s15e16 Episode Script

1 - - First day of class.
I'm back, baby! Ah! I see no one's discovered my secret parking spot.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Surf wheels! Hayley's back! Did you see me see Hayley?! [GRUNTS.]
Sick trick, Hayley.
Excuse me, dear.
You seem very comfortable here.
Do you know where the science trailer is? [SCOFFING.]
Freshmen.
Come on.
Roll with me.
Name's Hayley.
I'll show you the ropes.
[GRUNTS.]
That's the first one.
There are six more around campus.
There's a lot of impromptu tug-of-war happening around here.
Also kick the can.
Pretty much any trash you see lying around campus, we have a game for it.
This is the dining hall and computer lab.
You should hear the fan in that Gateway.
Try opening AltaVista and "Wolfenstein" at the same time.
Blow your [BLEEP.]
eardrums out.
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- Here's a gym.
Team's getting ready for a big game tonight.
- [SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
A foosball game? You play? You should try out for JV.
No spinning, though.
That's bitch play.
[PANTING.]
Wow.
You really know your stuff.
Yeah, well, I love it here.
And I plan to stay for a long, long time.
Hey, Hayley.
I thought I heard your wheels.
One more credit to go, and you are out of here, huh? - [WHEELS SCREECH.]
- What?! Th-That can't be right.
I was going through school records and I found out you are one stamp away from graduating.
But I don't want to graduate! And I don't want to help my gross mom get in and out of her dumb wheelchair, but she paid for my house, so You get what I'm saying, right? Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Roger, I need your help.
Well, you've come to the right place.
I'm Roger.
Did you know Groff is only a two-year school? I did know it was only two years, but I thought, legally, they couldn't call it a school.
They're gonna make me graduate! - And you don't want to leave.
- No! I am not ready for the real world Look at me.
[SIGHING.]
Ah! A Peter Pan situation.
Well, you came to the right place.
I'm Roger.
Did I already say that? Doesn't matter.
Anyhoo, give me 24 hours, and I'll have your solution.
Thanks.
I knew I could count on you, Roger.
Looking for Roger? That's me.
I'm Roger.
Wait a second.
Oh, I'm cleaning with gin.
That means I've had 14 Pine-Sol martinis.
And explains why my diarrhea cleaned the toilet.
I'm Roger.
[GASPS.]
So, this is the room for rent.
Obviously, it's got great natural light.
And a lot of shared walls.
- [HOLLOW THUDDING.]
- Paper-thin.
That's good, because I play cool music.
Dad, what the hell?! This is that problem tenant I told you about.
Oh, hey, it's my little bookworm.
About to graduate, spread her wings, and leave the nest.
Dad, I'm not going anywhere.
Actually, you are.
Family rules clearly state, "After college, "each child will forge out on their own "without financial or emotional support from the parents/guardians.
" The "emotional" part felt a little cold, but our lawyer at the time said we need to protect ourselves.
[SWITCH FLICKS.]
Nice! I could get used to this.
Roger! You're trying to steal my room? Yeah.
I need it.
Made the mistake of renting out the attic as a practice space for Rogu's ska band.
They're terrible.
How do you screw up ska? - You're supposed to be helping me.
- Sorry.
We got a drop-everything kind of situation.
This room hasn't been on the market in 19 years, and the landlord doesn't have a friggin' clue what it's worth.
Plus, I'm buds with the guy in the next unit.
STEVE: Make it happen, Rog! Whoa! Look at all these hot-sauce packets.
Del Taco Inferno! I always want to ask for it, but then I chicken out at the window.
Take them.
My car lease is up, and I got to get this thing cleaned out before I take it in.
Mm you've got a dent here.
Returning it like this is leaving money on the table.
- Really? - But I could pop it out for you right here in the garage.
I used to be a little bit of an oil boy.
A what? You know, a wrench monkey, a muffler humper, a tire charmer.
A tailpipe Tony.
- You mean a mechanic? - Wuz dat? - Can you really fix the dent? - Give me two days.
Do you want me to do anything about the interior smell? What smell? Okay.
- - - I scheduled a 2:00.
- Hey, my number-one senior.
Sit down.
I have got such a good feeling about you, Smith.
You're gonna make it on the outside.
You are destined for the Groff Wall of Fame.
The what? These are all the Groff alumni who became famous.
This guy right here went on to be the most prolific serial killer in Virginia history.
These two his first victims.
Oh, and this last one is Linda Bloodworth-Thomason, the creator of TV's "Designing Women.
" She didn't go here.
Actually, Cheryl, I'd really like to avoid graduating.
Totally understand.
Between us, it is hell on the other side.
Oh, in fact, I got to clock into my second job at Yoshinoya Beef Bowl in 12 minutes.
And if I graduate, I'm gonna be homeless.
There is one way to stay here indefinitely, but nobody's ever pulled it off.
I'll try anything.
Fail your class over and over and then retake it forever.
A forever class! Of course! - Thank you.
- [MONKEY CHITTERS.]
Holy shit! I thought that was a poster! Oh, my God.
Was that my ex? About yea high, likes to show his entire gums? Can eat an entire apple in seconds? Ugh! You know what the sad part is? I'm probably gonna take him back.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey, guess what.
I'm gonna intentionally fail this class.
Oh, we're friends? Can you drive me to the vet after this? My snake is sick.
I think I gave him an old mouse.
We have to pick him up from my stepdad's house.
He lives in the woods.
Excuse me.
Could you keep it down? Some of us are trying to learn.
Roger?! What are you doing here? It's Lacey Krinklehoel, and I'm here to make sure you graduate.
This is about my room, isn't it? Sure is.
Can you believe it? The valedictorian and star of her high school's production of "Pirates of Penzance" is here to help you graduate.
You're lucky I couldn't go to Harvard because my mom got super-sick Don't ask.
Now let's learn everything there is to know about advanced theory? Well, sorry, but you can't help me if I'm in my van, smokin' doobie smacks.
Professor, what if we had class outside today? Maybe in the parking lot, next to Hayley's van? Huh.
Well, I would be closer to my car when class ends.
And who knows Maybe Ms.
Smith will share those doobie smacks with her favorite professor of advanced theory? Lacey Krinklehoel?! Right? Such a good student.
She worried about her grades so much, it gave her rickets.
Look, I am failing this class, and there is nothing you or your boring persona can do - to stop me.
- Boring? Does liking horses sound boring? Does reading "The Clan of the Cave Bear" 50 times sound boring? Does collecting sand from every vacation she goes on sound boring? Well, that one sounds boring.
But not when you see the little jars.
Then it takes you right back to that magical summer you went to sand.
Huh.
Hey, babe? Aren't you going to be late for school? New plan not going.
ROGER: Sure you are.
I didn't want to wake you, but I didn't want you to miss class.
Roger, get us down from here! Babe, could you keep it down? And you're hogging all the blankets.
- [JEFF SCREAMS.]
- [HORN HONKS, TIRES SCREECH.]
- - My favorite team is the Bazooka Sharks.
We pay in dollars.
In Germany, they use marks.
Pretty excited about my slam poem.
- How's yours? - Non-existent.
Don't worry.
Lacey's got you.
What i What is it? Different trees have different barks.
This poem is for Rosa Parks.
Ms.
Smith, excellent work.
- Damn it! How did you - I was president of the A.
V.
Club.
I did all the special effects for "Pirates of Penzance" in addition to starring in it.
The high-school paper declared it "this year's musical.
" Hey, Lacey, this midterm's worth 40% of our grade.
Does this look like an "A"? It looks like an innocent horse's penis, but hanging from a man.
You can't turn that in.
Professor, I was thinking, what if this midterm didn't count at all toward our grade? Huh.
I like that.
Shoot.
But then what would count? The final a speech that would count for 100% of our grade.
100%? That's what we're trying to get to.
And what if we do it in teams, but only one person has to present, and my partner is Hayley? Everyone, throw your midterms away, 'cause the coolest teacher in school is doing a thing.
Hey, Klaus, how's the dent looking? What happened to my car?! You have to take it apart to put it back together.
It was a dent! Puh! The dent.
I wish the dent was our only problem.
Look at this air filter.
That's a muffler.
Okay, little lady.
You listened to "Car Talk" a couple times, then Klaus, I've got to turn this lease in! Fine! Turn it in now.
I can get you a bag.
What?! No! I need you to put this back together.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh! So, you want me to do my job.
Oh, I'd love to.
You're back and forth like a windshield wiper.
Hey, Klaus? Your "Babes of Pennzoil" calendar came.
Oh, good, good.
Hang it in the very wet bathroom with no lock.
For this speech tomorrow, this book says to start with a joke or anecdote.
Maybe I'll tell a joke, and if no one laughs, I'll say it was an anecdote.
That's perfect.
What's going on, Hayley? I thought you were trying to fail this class.
I can't, not with you in my way.
You're gonna crush the speech tomorrow.
You're an amazing orator.
Well, I was selected by my peers to read the Emancipation Proclamation at Disney World in Orlando.
Jafar came up to me afterwards and said I changed his mind about a lot of things.
I bet you did.
Say, since this is my last night in community college, how about you take me out to one last hurrah? Some people from class are having a little get-together.
Sounds good.
I usually like to go to bed early, but I had three rotisserie chickens for lunch, so I have a little extra energy to burn off.
- [MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Oh, cheese and rice, Hayley! There's alcohol on the premises.
What if the police come? That girl's standing on the bed.
Talk about your life being over.
Oh, my gosh.
I had no idea.
Let's get out of here, Lacey.
Wait.
Is that Ronnie over there? I didn't know he was gonna be here.
Don't you have a huge crush on him? - You should go talk to him.
- Oh, God! I can feel my rickets flaring up.
Sounds like nerves.
You're gonna need something to help you relax.
Alcohol's good for that.
I guess I could have one.
To a chaste kiss with Ronnie.
Mmm! That's not too bad.
Makes my tummy feel confident.
And you look beautiful.
Have some more.
Look at me go, Hayley! I'm coming out of my shell.
Maybe I'll even let Ronnie hold my hand.
I sucked seven [BLEEP.]
, and I didn't even get to Ronnie.
So, did we pass? Well, let's see.
Lacey mostly talked about a party I wasn't invited to.
The seven [BLEEP.]
part was engaging, though.
How about this? F-plus.
No! Now I'll never go to Harvard and make my sick mother proud! She has the bubonic plague.
Thanks for asking, by the way.
She was camping in New Mexico, and some squirrel feces got in her mouth.
[SOBBING.]
- [RATCHET CRANKING.]
- [REGISTER BEEPING.]
What the hell?! Where's my car? Which one's yours? The yellow F-150? No, Klaus.
You said two days.
It's been a month.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? I have a lot to do around here.
I just finished making sure the coffee is super-bitter, greased up all the Sports Illustrateds, and some jerk keeps lowering the volume on "TMZ.
" Fine.
You can have two more days.
Two days.
Ooh! That's when your Coleman beer-can chicken roaster rack is supposed to arrive.
Ugh! Too bad your Good Grips salad spinner is back-ordered for another week.
That could have been a cool combo for, like, a backyard party.
Have you been spying on my Amazon account? - Yes.
- Why? I think you have an exciting account.
Thank you.
[BELL TOLLS.]
Listen up.
We have some unsavory news to share.
I'm going to turn it over to Cheryl, my colleague here and at Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.
Thank you, my Beef Bowl brother.
Okay.
This is never easy.
Tragically, last night, Lacey Krinklehoel took her own life.
She jumped from the clock tower after unnecessarily dragging a long wooden plank to the top.
Apparently, she was, until the very end, so proud of her work in her high-school production of "Pirates of Penzance.
" And one! Oh, please.
You guys don't know her like I do.
She's gonna be fine.
And so, in accordance with Groff Community College by-laws, the partner of any student who commits suicide is awarded an automatic "A.
" No! In lieu of official grief counseling, the school is partnering with Yoshinoya to offer all grieving students coupons for brown rice at the white-rice price.
Now, I'm gonna tell you up front, because we've had some issues, it is a mail-in rebate.
So, come on down to Yoshinoya so we can get to Yoshi-know each other.
Here's an apartment that's perfect for us.
This is a photo of a cup.
I'm thirsty.
Oh, my God! I just heard about Lacey.
That's crazy! I can't believe you killed her.
I passed my class because of you.
Oh, my God! The bylaws! I didn't even think about Section 13A, Subset "G.
" But that would mean you're gonna graduate.
And I didn't hire these shirtless movers for nothing! Let's see if my stud finder's working.
[DEVICE BEEPS.]
[BEEPING INTENSIFIES.]
Stud detected.
[BEEPING STOPS.]
[SCREAMS.]
- [THUD.]
- [MAN SCREAM.]
Ah, the classic stud-finder bit.
I know it's a dad joke, but I still like it.
- [RATCHET CRANKING.]
- It's been two days! Give me my damn car! - Which one is it? - Klaus! I'm kidding.
It's ready.
I'll have my guy bring it around.
Mijo! I know what's going on in my shop.
Did Steve learn Spanish? I think you're really gonna like what we did.
- [HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING.]
- [ENGINE REVS.]
What is that noise? Whistle tips! [TIRES SCREECH.]
[HYDRAULICS HISS.]
KLAUS: Okay, pay attention.
You've got an 8-ball stick shift now.
Very cool.
I know it was an automatic before.
It's kind of a hybrid now.
For gears 1 and 2, you have to shift, but, realistically, how often do you use those gears? We installed a nitrous button.
It's not connected to anything, but it's there.
This is a disaster, Klaus.
Um, check again.
I added a super-super- long antenna.
It has incredible bounce.
Look how it catches the wind.
You don't even feel, Francine.
- - Tomorrow, my little girl receives her community-college diploma Color-printed and laminated.
To Hayley's diploma.
It's just a stupid piece of paper.
I've got a whole ream of paper.
I can print whatever I want on it.
You sure can.
But every day is your day, honey.
Today, we're celebrating the girl.
- To Hayley! - To my room! To my new room! Hip, hip - ALL BUT JEFF: Hooray! - Opotamus! Oh, don't feel bad, Hayley.
You didn't have a chance to beat Lacey.
She was possibly my greatest creation.
What?! She was the most boring, uninspired persona you have ever had.
Uninspired?! She was flawless.
She sucked.
She was an angel.
It's a tragedy she had to die just to get you out of your room.
I guess that's the silver lining Lacey's dead.
You keep her name out of your mouth! Hmm.
You're really sensitive about this.
I'm sorry that I'm sensitive about sacrificing such a brave and confident soul.
I'm so upset, I can't even eat my side salad.
Look at this pale tomato wedge I was so excited to eat.
It's the color of uncooked salmon, the most delicious color of all! [SOBBING.]
I'm gonna take this.
[SOBBING CONTINUES.]
Hmm.
- - CHERYL: Okeydokey, one more warm hand for your commencement speaker, Mr.
Giggles and his goofy balloon show! I am sorry there wasn't enough time for him to make a hat for everybody.
And now your student speaker, Hayley Smith.
[APPLAUSE.]
Thank you.
This may surprise some of you, but up until recently, I didn't even want to graduate.
I was scared.
But then I met someone who changed all that, Lacey Krinklehoel.
Sounds like quite the young woman.
Heard her mother was sick.
Lacey was the only person I knew who was more afraid and insecure than I was.
That doesn't sound right, exactly.
Seeing how pathetic she was made me feel braver and more confident.
She lied to try and fit in.
She lied about volunteering.
She lied about her field-hockey triumphs.
She didn't lie about loving horses.
She even lied about starring in "Pirates of Penzance.
" She's entering libel terr t-territory now.
But today, isn't about her.
In fact, it will never be about her again, because she's as dead as she was boring.
- Penzance! Penzance! - [ALL GASP.]
We're the Pirates of Penzance! We got treasure Cannonballs There's a parrot, probably So hoist the sails and anchors aweigh Kiss your mom, submarine We're the Pirates of Penzance A well-received play! Lacey Krinklehoel alive? Change the transcripts! Hayley Smith fails! Hayley stays! [CLASS CHEERS.]
That was some shit, Hayley.
- I warned you.
- Well, game respects game.
For what it's worth, if you did graduate, I think you'd be just fine on the outside.
Maybe, but I hope I never have to find out.
Oh, I got to bounce.
My character who gets trapped in elevators needs to get food poisoning first.
It really makes everyone I'm stuck with feel the panic.
[PEN SCRIBBLING.]
Is that a Decepticon sticker? - Klaus? - Huh? Oh, yeah.
Wow! Wow! Okay, then.
I don't know what to say, other than this car rules! And this thing is nitrous-ready? Ready and waiting.
Bye-bye, bad guys.
[HYDRAULICS HISS.]
This all looks great, ma'am.
Only thing I have to charge you for is this dent down here in the corner.
Klaus! Oh, did your goldfish not do a good-enough job fixing your car? Bye! Have a great time!