American Dad s15e17 Episode Script

Enter Stanman

1 Kids! Sack-lunch call! For mama's special little superhero, a Batman PB&J.
Oh, boy! My bullies love Batman.
Thanks, Mom.
- For Hayley - Mom, I work at a sub shop.
I literally get paid to eat sandwiches all day.
But are any of your sandwiches at work rocket ships? Whiz-bang! Thanks, Mom.
And for Roger Chris Pine, Chris Pine, Chris Pine.
Chris Pine! Hooray! Thanks, Mom! Do you have anything for me, Mrs.
S? Well, since it's just you and me now, I guess you can have [MOANING] this.
[BOTH MOANING] [MOANING CONTINUES] Ah! Oh! Those were the plates we bought at Epcot Center.
Those were the plates we bought at Epcot Center.
Alright, Jeffy boy, time for old Francine to have a sack lunch of her own.
JEFF: Mrs.
S! [GASPS] What a crazy dream! No more hot sauce right before bed for me.
Well, maybe just one more teensy, little taste.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Hayley, will you please pass the Dr.
Buttblast Atomic Fart Sauce? [LAUGHS] What's so funny, Mom? Oh, nothing.
I just [CHUCKLES] Oh, it it it's It's nothing.
[CHUCKLES] - Just got the giggles? - Okay.
Well, here's the silly thing.
Last night, I had the silliest dream.
And in this dream [LAUGHS] I [CHUCKLES] had sex with Jeff! [LAUGHS] [SLURPS] - [SPITS] - [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] You and Jeff, with his floppy, little ding-dong? [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] I mean, can you imagine?! - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] - Look at me.
I'm Francine and Jeff.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES] Ahh! Francine, can I rap at you in the living room real quick? So funny, that thing about the dream.
Love it.
Just hilarious.
On a totally unrelated note, I just wanted to ask you to do me one tiny, little favor and simply never sleep again.
Deal? Great.
And, by the way, I think Steve bent a fork.
Oh, Stan.
It was just a dumb dream.
It doesn't mean anything.
Now, are you gonna be able to be an adult about this? Of courssssssse not.
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum THE CHORDETTES: Mr.
Sandman - [YAWNS] - Bring me a dream - Bum, bum, bum, bum - [CHAIN SAW WHIRRING] Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Bum, bum, bum, bum Give him two lips - Like roses and clover - [GENERATOR RUMBLES] Bum, bum, bum, bum Then tell him that his lonesome nights are - [AIR HORN BLOWS] - [GASPS] Mr.
Sandman I'm so alone Bum, bum, bum, bum Don't have nobody to call my own Bum, bum, bum, bum Please turn on your magic beam - [PIGS SCREECHING, GRUNTING] - [HAMMERING POUNDING] Delmer, I just want to say you have been such a help these last few days.
Stan! Enough! We're going to deal with this now! Yikes.
Time to go.
- [SCREAMING] - [PIGS GROWLING] Wow.
That was fast.
Wait.
I thought Dr.
Penguin died.
Unfortunately, yes, he did.
I'm Dr.
Penguin's twin brother by marriage - Dr.
Buttblast.
- [GASPS] Are you the Dr.
Buttblast from the hot sauce?! - [LAUGHING] - Oh, no.
No, no.
I-I get that a lot.
Although, I am trying to get into the hot-sauce game.
Tough racket, though.
Got to have a big, crazy name and label art.
Can we get started, please? Alright, Stan, first question How do you think you'd feel about a hot sauce called Professor Fartmore's Habanero Ass Hair Incinerator? What we came here to talk about is Francine cheating on me! It was just one stupid dream, Stan.
But people follow their dreams.
I heard that somewhere.
And if you follow yours, it means you'll end up leaving me.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Stan, I can't control my dreams, but I promise I'm not going to leave you.
So will you promise me that you'll let this go? Alright.
I promise.
Bingo! [INSECTS CHIRPING] [YAWNING] I'm bushed.
I think I'm gonna turn in.
Alright, hon.
Good night.
[DOOR CLOSES] [INTERNALLY] Who might she be dreaming about now? [SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS] If I could only know Exactly what she's dreaming of Then I would not fret so What if she's boning Bullock Or shining it with Dick Or swackin' ass with Jeff again? My God, I'm worried sick [GONG SOUNDS] You can go in dreams If you want to You can go in dreams We can help you to You look so hot as a cat.
You, too, you little minx.
Get over here.
[BOTH MOANING] Roger! What the hell is going on? The song was all true, Stan.
Going inside people's dreams is one of my alien powers.
Matter of fact, we're in one of your dreams right now.
So, what are you saying? Well, I figured maybe I could take you with me into Francine's dreams so you can make sure she's not doing the nasty.
Then again, that would be breaking your promise to her to let the whole thing go.
- Aah! - [THUD] Bedroom now! We're getting in them dreams, baby! It's finally happening.
You're dragging me to your bedroom.
Keep calm, Roger.
Stay in the moment.
Enjoy this.
- So, how do we - Relax, Stan.
It's super-easy, totally painless.
- All I have to do is this.
- [GRUNTS] And like this.
[GROANS] Alright, here we go.
Welcome to Francine's dreamscape.
Have a look around.
There's all sorts of crazy stuff in this place.
- [ORGAN PLAYING] - A pipe organ made of intestines? A little creepy, but I'll allow it.
Octopus with Steve's face? A little zany, but I'll allow it.
Wow! Get a load of this fern.
So lush.
Only in the fantastic world of dreams.
Huh.
Maybe I don't have anything to worry about.
[DISTANT MOANING] My sex senses are tingling.
Out of the way, geek.
Oh [BABY FUSSING] Oh, those weren't sex sounds.
It was a baby.
[BABY CRYING] Oh, Stan, my poor little baby.
Is that how Francine sees me? As a whiny, little freak of a baby? [LAUGHING] Looks like it.
No wonder she's having sex dreams about other people.
She doesn't even see me as a man.
Well, maybe if you start acting like more of a big, macho man around her, that'll change.
Then again, maybe the right thing to do is just let it go, like you Stan big fan of big-man plan! Dear Lord, please bless this food and all the gross employees at Boston Market who made it.
ALL: Amen.
- [ENGINE REVS] - [TIRES SCREECH] Is this what a baby would do? What? Stan, what's going on? Are those stick-on Garfield tattoos? Here, want me to cut your steak? I'm a grown man.
I can do it myself.
- Aah! - Oh, honey! I'll get a Band-Aid.
No! I don't need any help.
Blacking out.
Not much time.
Does a baby have this? [SPLAT] [GROANS, THUDS] [INSECTS CHIRPING] What if we did, like, a giant devil pissing hot sauce right into King Kong's mouth? I'm not making a hot sauce [SHOUTING] for soccer moms, Klaus! I said "bold"! [SCREAMS] Pft, so, I was just thinking about how much I killed it with all that macho stuff at dinner.
So, pretty much, I'm not worried about Francine at all anymore, but, hey, maybe let's go pop into her dreams really quick just to make sure it worked? [SCREAMS] [GRUNTS] [FRANCINE LAUGHING] [GASPING] [LAUGHING] Oh, Stan.
I've transformed from a baby into a buffoon! Not exactly.
Here, I'll let Stevetopus explain.
You see, Francine's subconscious has created many different versions of you.
Whichever one best fits her current perception of you in real life is the one that's most powerful and visible at any given moment, but the rest are always down here somewhere.
That's your anger.
[ROARS] Your emotional unavailability.
- [LAUGHING] - Your dorky side.
Your lesbian-grandmother side.
What's that one? ROGER: Oh, another fern lover, I see.
That's your insecurity A real nasty dude.
We call him Stanferatu.
[HISSES] These guys all suck! Well, there are good ones, too, you haven't seen yet.
What does that matter if she also sees me as this collection of goons?! There she is now.
I'm gonna go give her a piece of my mind.
[GASPS] Are you crazy?! A human dream-stormer can never let a host become aware of his presence.
I call it dream-storming, by the way.
Pretty cool, right? Don't you know the most basic rules of dream-storming?! No.
Why would I? You've been going inside my dreams?! Oh, don't try to turn this around on me.
You're the one who's been letting that subconscious of yours run wild, thinking me up as some kind of bunch of Garbage Pail Kids.
I can't believe you're so insecure that you're actually invading my dreams! How dare you?! She's right.
I'm going to do the right thing and leave well enough alone.
I mean it this time.
BULLOCK: "And Stan stayed true to his word and never meddled in Francine's dreams again.
" And as for Francine, well, she left Stan and started having sex with Jeff for reals.
All the different kinds of sex Oral, anal, hand stuff, whatever you call it when you push the genitals together and just mash them around.
And why? Because she knows you're a pathetic [DISTORTED] little worm of a man, Stan.
[GASPS] Just one more time, Roger.
I have an idea.
[YAWNING] Okay.
- Here we go.
- Wait.
- What are you doing? - Same as usual.
I just have to touch you both at the same time.
Then why were you sticking your fingers in our eyes before? That's a way of touching.
Since trying to change how Francine saw me in the real world didn't work, I figured I'd do it right here at the source Her subconscious By making these creeps look cool and sexy.
There she is.
[ECHOING FOOTSTEPS] Showtime! [WHISTLES] Yeah Oh, yeah Ooh What a Stan, what a Stan, what a Stan What a Stan, what a Stan, what a Stan What a mighty good Stan What a mighty, mighty good Stan You're a fan of this man, sexy Stan Such an awesome, hot Stan I said, what a mighty good Stan [GRUNTING] Damn it! You're such idiots.
- [RUMBLING] - Stan! [STRAINS] [DISTANTLY] You're in my dreams again.
Oh, no.
You let the host see you.
It's a dreamquake! Get back over here and do it like I showed you.
[GROANS] [SCREAMING] You killed him.
They can be killed? Good.
Give me that sword, geek.
Now Francine won't see me as an ogre anymore.
- [GRUNTS] - [SWORD SHINKS] Or a dork! Or a a I don't I don't know.
Slenderman? [ECHOING] Stop it, Stan! Your insecurity is making Stanferatu stronger.
With the dream disintegrating, he could use me as a portal to the real world! - What?! - Come on, Stan.
This is dream-storming 101.
Oh, God.
It's too late.
He's going in my eye, Stan! It sucks! - [GROANING] - [PANTING] [ROARS] I had a nightmare and I was gonna ask to sleep with you guys, but clearly, you're dealing with something else.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS] [EXHALES DEEPLY] That's better.
What happened? Where's Francine? What happened? Where's Francine? Did that monster, Stanferatu, take her? I don't think so, Stan, 'cause he's right there behind the dresser.
What have you done with Francine, you ghoul? I did not take her.
She was lost in the dreamquake, her soul and body both.
Now she's adrift in the ethereal domain.
The what? The collective dream realm that connects all dreams and all dreamers.
This is real basic stuff.
I don't really think he wants to learn.
She's a dream nomad now, who must roam from dream to dream.
To find her, we must find her host.
Stan, have you considered that maybe Francine went to this place on purpose to get away from you? [HISSES] He's against us.
We will find Francine and reclaim her.
She is ours! You know, this guy's kind of speaking my language here.
So it's settled.
Stan and Stanferatu on the case.
Put her there, partner.
Damn! I am loving your long fingers.
You're probably a pretty fast typer, huh? I would love to get you behind the keyboard and watch you fire off a few paragraphs.
Uh, Dad, what's the deal with this guy again? Yeah, he keeps stealing our peas and accusing us of parsimony.
[HISSES] My peas.
Stanferatu gets a bad rap, but he's a great guy once you get to know him.
And he's always got my back.
The boy seeks to outlive you.
Is this true, Steve? With the natural order of things being what it is Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Stanferatu.
Look, the most important thing is Stanferatu is helping me find your mother.
He called in to Rush Limbaugh and really talked it up.
[CELLPHONE DINGS] Bingo! We got a lead.
E-mail from some yokel downstate.
Apparently, some people around there have been dreaming about Francine.
It's a good thing you got Stanferatu to help you now, because I've got a big pitch at Frank's RedHot.
Klaus is actually just about to show me the final artwork.
I give you - your hot-sauce label.
- It's perfect.
Just like the Mona Lisa's eyes, the donkey's prolapsed anus follows you wherever you go.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
I saw'n that lady in my dreams, alright.
- Did you [BLEEP] her?! - No, sir.
Jesus, Stanferatu.
Sir, we need to go inside your dreams.
Won't do you no good.
Stopped dreaming about her a couple days ago.
I mean, a dream nomad can only dwell in the etherium of any given host for 48 hours.
How do you know this?! Oh, I see.
Us country bumpkins are too stupid to know about the ethereal domain.
Is that right? Every possible host we've talked too, we've been too late.
I'm starting to lose hope we'll ever get to one while Francine's still there.
You're not thinking of ditching me, are you, Stan? What? No.
You're my day-one homey.
You know that.
Stanferatu, have you been trying to get into my phone? Look at this.
I'm locked out, and it's covered in chicken grease.
[SNORING] I know you're not really sleeping.
Are we friends, Stan? Yes.
I told you.
Are we best friends? I mean, sure, yeah.
I I-I-I got to go to the bathroom.
[DOOR CLOSES] STANFERATU: What are you doing in there? I'm just trying to take a shit, man! Come on! I need to know you're not going to leave me! Let me in! Oh, my God.
Is this what I've been doing to Francine? Suffocating her with my own insecurity? - [DOOR RATTLING] - [STRAINING] [THUDS] Aah! Lies! All lies! Dad! Did you find mom? No, Son.
I'm afraid she might be gone for good.
You'll probably have to go live with Tuttle.
[SHUDDERING] Oh I miss mom so much.
- Last night, I dreamt of two of her.
- Say that again! - Last night, I dreamt - Shut up! There's no time.
Get in the car.
I'll ether you on the way.
- Mr.
Buttblast - Doctor.
We love your hot sauce.
And just as long as nothing weird happens in the next few minutes, I'd say we have a deal.
- [DOOR SLAMS OPEN] - STAN: Roger, we need to go inside the boy.
Francine! Stan, I should have known, sooner or later, you'd find me and drag me back home.
So let's just get it over with and go No.
I didn't come to take you home.
Spending time with Stanferatu made me understand how awful it feels when someone you love won't trust you enough to just give you some space.
So I only came to tell you I'm sorry.
And if you ever decide you've had enough space, I'll be waiting for you.
Stan? Thank you.
I knew you would betray me, Stan! So I will kill you and claim Francine for my own! [HISSES] [SNARLING] - [SHOUTING] - [GRUNTING] Stan! Stanferatu's too strong for you in the dream realm! Wait.
His power comes from my insecurity.
[STRAINS] Steve, dream us up Jeff.
Hiya.
[GROANS] If I can be confident enough to stand by while Jeff really works you over [STRAINS] that should weaken Stanferatu enough for me to defeat him.
I'm not gonna have sex with Jeff! [STRAINS] Fine.
Then I'll have sex with Jeff.
What?! How the hell would that [GROWLS] Well, I guess it is a good distraction.
Dream sword! [SWORD SHINKS] [GROANING] Aah! Aah! What a crazy dream.
No more Colonel Buttchug's Irradiated Sphincter Scorcher right before bed for me.
Well, maybe just one more teensy, little taste.
[SCREAMS] Bye! Have a beautiful time!