American Dad s15e18 Episode Script

No Weddings and a Funeral

1 Honey? Do I hear the sound of chicken bones approaching the disposal? No, you hear the sound of chicken bones being disposed of.
Oh?! You suddenly want to help me clean up?! You can't just throw everything in there and expect it to disappear.
It's not the ocean, Francine.
B-b-b-burned.
Shut up, Klaus.
That wasn't even a burn.
Yeah, Klaus.
When I'm burned, I'll let ya know.
Okay, so no chicken down the disposal, but How about this? That That's funny.
That's making me laugh.
And I've decided to join in the joke! Francine? Hit the switch.
Okay, we've all had our fun.
Now put me down! If you insist Stan, now you're making me laugh.
And making me kind of hot.
Oh, no! Oohheeeghhagh! Help! Oohheeeghhagh! That's you! I guess you can put chicken down the drain.
It sounds like everyone's having a good time.
Yeah, Klaus is in the disposal! Tell that idiot pieces of shit are supposed to go in the toilet.
To the ice cream store! My treat! Remember, I'm a rum raising guy.
Cool, I'll put some in a waffle cone and throw it in the trash.
Now that was a burn, fish.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Welp, that was the last straw.
I am leaving.
It's too late for apologies.
Nothing could make it right.
Not even acknowledging my existence in any way.
Alright, Klaus.
What's all this? You You're selling lemonade? No, I'm leaving.
I've never asked for anything but a little respect.
And it's clear I'm not going to get it.
Okay, okay.
I'll buy a lemonade.
I'm not selling lemonade! I'm leaving! Forever! One day you'll all regret how you treated me! Should we stop him? The lemonade guy? He's just being dramatic.
He'll be back.
Okay, kids.
Help Mom with the groceries.
Jeff Junior, you stop drawing rockets shooting lasers on my windows.
Klaus died? Klaus the fish? Geez, I haven't seen him since he walked out.
Go for the Stanimal.
Oh, when? Yeah, I know where Francine's house is.
That's where I used to sleep in my car until a judge and I came to a mutual agreement that Francine be rewarded that car and I remain 80 yards away at all times.
Hey! You know the deal.
Neither of us gets to do it until I can afford a second bullet.
Steve.
It's been years.
Hello, Mother.
I follow your company on Newstagram.
You just bought freakin' Hawaii! As a place to store my shoes.
I'm doing quite well, yes.
Is he here? Of course he's here.
He's my husband now.
And he's your father.
He is not my father.
He's my ex-best friend.
Toshi, you finally learned another language and you chose French? That's the kind of kissing he does.
Ooh, la, la.
Croissant.
Hey, everyone.
Papa Toshi.
Whoa, you only had one kid in your Christmas card.
That was ten years ago.
I wish it were 15.
You must be the little darlings my daughter's been keeping from me.
As a good mother, I try to shield them from drunk housewives and bad haircuts.
I hope you wike it.
I puwled the skeweton out awl by mysewf.
That's Noah.
We're a little worried about him.
Has trouble saying "L" 's.
What up, sluts? Happy Klaus's funeral.
Roger! My floor! Cool, right? Above-ground traffic is for poor people.
I got here from Tokyo in 20 minutes.
Bored right through the core.
No poors in the core, baby.
Veela, why aren't you stealing anything? Stan! How the hell did you get in my house?! I, uh, still have a key to the backdoor.
Dad, it's good to Y-You look Alive.
Oh, you noticed? Sorry I'm late, gang.
I was busy being awesome, eating really expensive cookies whenever I want, swimming in all the oceans, and not having any parasites.
Well, I'm sure you'd all like to unpack.
Hayley, you take your old room.
Steve, you share the attic with Roger.
Toshi and I turned your bedroom into an ass-blast-itorium.
Real creative.
Hey, don't turn my kitchen into a sass-back-itorium! Stan, there's a blanket in the basement.
Sure, I I guess I could cancel my suite at the Four Seasons and my expensive prostitute.
Can you believe these little drills are optional? If I didn't have a little drill, I'd kill myself like Klaus.
I'm assuming it was a suicide? Do we know? Do we care? I don't know.
- The woman who called Douglas - Douglas? - My jerk-off robot - Your what? My regular robot! The woman who called Douglas was light on details of Klaus's death.
Which is the topic of this conversation.
Master, you seem tense.
Would you like to jerk me off? Wait.
You do him? Awkward.
Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
I'm Sister Madeline.
I met Klaus while passing out food and blankets on Skid Row.
Excuse me, Stan Smith.
I'd like to start by saying I was invited so I'm allowed to be here.
Now, where are you passing out these free blankets? I was with Klaus in his final moments.
He requested that I gather you all together and show you this video.
Dearest Smiths I bet you always wondered what happened - to good, ol' Klaus.
- Nope.
- Not me.
- Oh, that Klaus! Well, after I left, my life went downhill.
I caught Hep C from a plum at the 99 cent store.
And because I didn't have insurance, I joined the army, but they sent me directly to the Moon Wars where I went completely insane after my brain was infested with moon mites.
But I never blamed you guys.
You were the only family I ever loved.
Was that a snuff film? You should be ashamed of yourselves! You all turned your back on your friend, and he died alone.
What do you want us to do about it, lady? Give him a proper funeral! Say some nice things! Throw in one of those blankets you've been yapping about and we got a deal, but I want it upfront.
I've been burned before.
Fine.
We'll throw Klaus a stupid funeral.
- Then will you feel better? - This isn't about me.
It's about Klaus! Oh, but it is about me.
And it's about Klaus, for I am Klaus! Sorry, did you say something? Oh, just conversing with the Lord.
He's the best, you know.
Okay.
Remember the blanket.
So everyone has their assignments for Klaus's funeral preparations.
By the way, where's Jeff? I sent him home with the kids.
He wasn't here when we had Klaus.
What?! Yes, he was! I'm assuming based on information available to anybody.
Come on, let's get this over with.
This isn't something to "get over with.
" It's a chance to come to terms with the great loss you all must feel.
Quick question You're Klaus, right? What?! Who's Klaus?! That's not what you'd say.
Okay, this family owes me an apology.
They were wrong to treat me so badly.
And once the sobering reality of my funeral hits them, they'll sob, they'll wail, they'll beg the heavens for my return! Huh.
So it's a goof.
That's pretty cool! Oh, you know what would be a good way to reveal you're alive? When they're kneeling in front of your casket, just, like, fart really loud.
No, wait.
That's too good.
I want to do that.
Oh, man, I am gonna be the hit of the funeral! Us at Familyland.
Us at the beach.
Oh, look.
Remember when we ate this pasta? Oh, my God.
Yes! It was so good! I got full, though.
Hey, I'm sorry we lost touch.
- What happened to us? - I don't know.
The pictures stop after the pasta.
How's it going down here? Have you found any good photos of Klaus for the slideshow? Actually, it doesn't seem like we have any.
What?! How is that possible? I guess we didn't have an underwater camera.
Jesus H.
, how stupid are you? He lived in a bowl.
You don't have to put the camera in the bowl.
Why do you have such a boner for Klaus? Aren't you married to God? Just find a picture! Oh, here's one with Klaus in the background.
That's a tangerine.
Eh.
We'll just draw some eyes on it.
Stan, what are you doing? Aren't Aren't they asparagus? God, how are you even alive? Francine, I have to come clean with you.
I'm not doing as well as I maybe look.
You look like you're dying.
That's just a facade.
My life's not a fairy tale.
This is a ferret tail.
Nah, things aren't that great for me either.
I have to confess, when I agreed to marry Toshi, I had him confused with Snot.
I feel like everything changed for us after the divorce.
People don't talk about that part.
What happened to us? When did everything become a fight? I'm sorry.
Sorry about Klaus?! No, we're talking about our marriage falling apart.
Ever heard of it? Well, start talking about Klaus or I'll tell God you should all go to hell! Ever heard of that? This robot was trying to get fresh.
Can you believe this family? All they care about is themselves.
Wow, you sound like Klaus! I am Klaus! Oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, you got that plan.
You're going to fart or something at a funeral? Ugh.
That's so stupid.
That was your idea! Well, I see how it could work.
I guess it would all depend on the execution.
Well, good luck at the wedding.
Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on Go, play Hey now You're a rock star Get the show on Get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold Klaus was a special fish who swam his way into our hearts.
Perhaps someone would like to say a few words? Stan? Uh, okay.
Uh, Klaus.
Well, he was a fish.
We know that.
And he lived in our house for a few weeks.
For years! Maybe focus on your emotions.
Like crippling guilt or haunting remorse? Yes, it's okay to cry.
Let it flow.
I'm sorry.
I'm not crying, I'm laughing.
I'm just remembering this time Klaus tried to convince us he could kick a football over a Burger King.
Ha! He was such a liar.
Remember when he told us he beat up Brett Favre at a mini-golf course? What an idiot! Check this out, guys.
I always said Klaus was a wiener.
Shut up! Shut up! You guys are ruining my funeral! Whoa, you do a better Klaus than he did.
I am Klaus! Klaus, now's the time for the fart.
Shut up.
I gave you all every chance to say one decent thing about me.
And now, I'll give you one final chance.
Did you kill a nun? That's it! Whoa, this is gonna be some fart.
Wowee.
What What's going on? Where are we? We're underwater.
And we're in the attic.
Oh, crap.
We're in Klaus's bowl.
No, it's worse.
We're in Klaus's body.
Bingo, jerkwads.
Welcome to hell, otherwise known as my life.
Oh, my God.
I left my charger out there and my phone's at 4%! This is gonna suck! Klaus, what the hell is going on? You shrunk us down and put us in a fish-sized submarine? Don't be stupid, Steve.
Even science has its limits.
I simply transferred all of your consciousnesses into my body, so you'd feel what it's like to be me.
No more questions! Wait, why did you put yourself in here? Great question.
That was a mistake.
Okay, quick poll.
Who wants to learn Klaus's dumb lesson? Not me.
I want to watch TV.
We've got to find someone to help us get back into our bodies.
Maybe we can use these controls to call for help.
Blat! Eep! Ooh! You don't know what you're doing.
Use one of the presets.
Wuzzuuuuuuuup! My wife! It's five to watch, ten to touch.
I I used to work at a movie theater where it cost extra to touch the screen.
Eh, you clowns, get out of the way.
There's his cup.
That's how he gets around.
Nice move, Francine.
It's obviously the levers.
Yeah! Daddy just dunked on y'all! Stan! Who lit a Yankee candle? I like the smell of cookies, but I don't have the time to bake.
Klaus, you've got to help us.
We're all gonna die.
I don't care if I die.
In fact, welcome to my suicide.
That was lucky.
Now we just have to make it to the front door.
Oh, thank God.
Jeff forgot one of our kids again.
It's Noah.
Fishy, your skeleton needs to come out.
The little creep's gonna taxidermy us.
- Go for his knees.
- No, dummy.
Choke him.
You idiots, kick him in the balls.
We should be kicking Klaus in the balls.
You can't kick Klaus in something he doesn't have.
Good burn, son.
Hayley, you got one? There's a peanut on the floor.
Hmm, kind of a thinker.
I obviously get it, but what about the broader audience you want to reach with your comedy? No, there's a peanut on the floor.
Noah's allergic.
If you have to explain it, Hayley, it's not funny.
No, we flick the peanut in Noah's mouth! Fish I got to get my EpiPen! Yes! Wait.
Do you guys realize what's happening? When we all make fun of Klaus, we get along, like at his funeral! That must be why everything fell apart after he left.
Klaus is the glue that holds this family together! Klaus is incredibly important because he sucks so much.
Thank you.
That's all I wanted.
I just needed to be appreciated for something.
Great, great.
We all love each other again.
Now down the stairs.
Klaus, where's your door claw?! I buried it.
It's what I bludgeoned the nun with before I stole her body.
Steve, tell your robot to open the door.
I can't.
See his eyes? It's been over 24 hours since I serviced him.
What? Okay, it's not a regular robot.
It's a pleasure bot.
And there's only one way to get him out of attack mode Pleasure him.
Oh, God.
Don't worry.
Together, we can do this.
To battle stations! Follow my lead! I know what he likes.
We made it.
Well, let me take the helm, and we'll get you back in your bodies.
I want to go find Toshi first.
After all this, you still want to be with him? No, I just think it will be easier to break up with him inside the fish.
You mean it, honey? Come here you.
Well, my company was surprised I moved it to Langley Falls, but I had to oversee a very important merger.
To Mom and Dad's second marriage! Ahem.
Guys, it's great to be back with the family, and I'd like to say Disposal.
Disposal.
Disposal! Disposal! Disposal! Disposal! I'm the glue, baby! Bye bye! See you soon!