American Dad s18e10 Episode Script

1
So then the mugger tells
me to lie on the ground
and count to 100.
And as I got down, I said,
"Thanks! You too!"
- [LAUGHTER]
- "You too"!
I was mortified!
Okay!
I got to go drain my dame vein.
[LAUGHTER]
What did I miss?
It's your better half.
Francine's a riot!
You ought to bring her
by the office more, Stan.
It's criminal that we only
get her at these work parties.
Someone call the police!
That's what she could have said.
At the mugging.
I don't know. She's the storyteller.
I'm no good at this.
Well, I read
a disturbing statistic recently.
We swallow eight spiders a
year without even realizing it.
I was so scared when I found out,
I couldn't sleep.
But that's what I get for
reading snapple caps before bed.
Now someone else say a thing.
Oh, my God.
Bracelet flask! I love it!
You'll appreciate this.
Ooh. Purse flask.
They make those?
You are too much!
I'm agent Cara.
Francine. I'm Stan Smith's wife.
Stanimal? I love that guy.
We work on the innerspace
program together.
What's that?
It's pretty cool, actually.
I get to shrink down
to the size of a cell
and go on missions in
other people's bodies.
Like the magic school bus!
Exactly like that,
except if Arnold was a dictator
and Ms. Frizzle was in
there giving him E. coli.
Sorry. I don't mean to keep
you if you need to pee.
Oh, no. I never use
the toilets at these things.
I've got a system.
Are you kidding me?!
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
Ah.
♪♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- Good ♪
- Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪♪
Mm. Mm!
Okay. I'll bite.
- What's with the wheel?
- This is no wheel.
This is a ticket to a better life.
Oh-ho! Nice. Say no more.
Disagree. Say more.
We got really lucky last
night and saw a car crash.
A Lamborghini hit a barricade,
and one of the wheels flew so far
that after they got the fire out,
everyone just sort of forgot about it.
And now it's all ours.
It's the most expensive thing we own
by a lot.
And just the foothold we needed
to finally climb into high society.
Hold on. So you think rolling
an old tire through the streets
is gonna make everyone think you're
what, rich?
JEFF: [LAUGHING] Oh, no.
This bad boy will never
touch the ground again.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.
I love it! I'm clearing my schedule
and following whatever this
is for the rest of the day.
Whew! What a party, huh?
I had such a great time last night.
Mm. Me too.
Stan, how come you never mentioned Cara?
I'm sure I've talked about her.
C-bone is my number-one work dawg.
We share bagels.
She's a bottom gal,
and I prefer the top.
Well, I think she's great.
I could see us becoming
really good friends.
Pshh. Never gonna happen.
What are you talking about, Klaus?
I'm afraid friendship
is off the table, Francine,
because the feeling was not mutual.
Cara told me in an e-mail
she sent this morning
she finds you very off-putting.
She said and these are her words
you give off a strong snitch vibe.
What? T-That's impossible!
We had real chemistry!
Was it because I asked her
if she's ever been all up inside a baby?
I meant like on a mission!
Probably, yes. Okay. I've got to jet.
Look how fast I can run!
[DOOR CLOSES]
Meh.
- ♪♪
-
Okay.
Duper's new liver is in,
and Cara's at the extraction point.
Let's pull her out, enlarge her,
and get this guy to happy hour.
Confirm. We've got the ship.
Hang on. Cara's trying to
signal us through the window.
She's Okay. She's mooning me.
Hey! Francine is here!
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.
Sorry to interrupt. Is Cara in here
She got transferred to
an Arm enian deli.
- In France.
- Oh.
All right.
Smith! What on earth was that?
It's my wife, sir.
She always hijacks all my friendships.
And work is the last place I have
where my friends are just mine.
I couldn't risk it happening with Cara.
Come now, Smith. You can talk to me.
What's really going on?
Uh, I was
s-scared about all the
spiders I must have swallowed
after what you said at the party.
And and I need Cara
to do a deep clean.
- For spiders.
- There, now.
Doesn't it feel better
telling the truth?
It's safe to be afraid here, Smith.
Mission approved!
FRANCINE:
If I could turn back time ♪
- If I could find a way ♪
- [SNORING]
Uh-uh-uh ♪
Uh-uh-uh ♪
Uh-uh-uh-uhh ♪
- Uh-uh-uh ♪
- What the Cher?
Uh-uh-uh ♪
[ECHOING] Uh-uh-uh, uh-uh-uhh ♪
CARA: Hey!
Hey, can someone out there hear me?
Help!
- Cara?
- Francine?
Get out of town!
It's so great to run into you!
Before you say anything,
I just want to apologize
for making you hate me.
F-Francine, I don't hate you.
- You don't?
- No!
But can we talk about this later?
I need help.
Something's gone terribly wrong.
One minute I'm finishing
a mission in duper,
and the next I'm in this
I-I want to say moose?
It's Stan. [GASPS]
Stan, who lied about you
being transferred!
And about you hating me!
Stan?
Stan, wake up and explain yourself!
Sta-a-a-n!
Hang tight.
I'm gonna get a bucket of water
to pour in this guy's face.
Make it a Martini. I could use a drink!
[GROWLING, METAL CLANKING]
Francine!
Want to watch me play "Elden Ring"?
I'm an astrologer
but, like, a battle astrologer.
He's very cool, very good at stars.
Hey, does it seem crazy
that Stan would trap his
work friend in his body
so I wouldn't find her?
Crazy? No. Surprising?
Also no.
Tell me what you know.
Well, it wouldn't be the first time
Stan has done something wild
to shield his work friends from you.
From me? I'm [BLEEP] great.
Exactly. Look.
Do you remember Brock from the lab?
Of course! I loved Brock.
And what happened when you
two started becoming friends?
Stan told me he got into scientology
and cut all the suppressive
people out of his life.
Mm. What about Sharon, the assassin?
Sharon!
She fell in love with the sea.
Sure. Tony the pilot?
Stan said he became a reverse werewolf
who's only human on full moons
so he's really busy those nights
Oh, God damn it.
Actually, that one is true.
But it was Stan's fault.
- But why?
- He's afraid.
He doesn't want you getting
close to his friends
because he knows you're way
more charismatic than he is
and they'll become
better friends with you.
I mean, I get it.
I like you way more.
It's why I'm giving you
all this information
even though he swore me to secrecy.
But I really like Cara.
- I'm gonna talk to Stan.
- You could.
But trust me,
once he knows the jig is up,
he'll just find another way
to make sure you and Cara
will never, ever be friends.
He's had a lot of practice.
[SIGHS] Thanks. Okay.
Good luck being a fighting
weatherman or whatever.
I can tell you're being dismissive
but that's pretty dead-on,
so I can't be mad.
♪♪
Oh! Francine.
Did you know some cats
are allergic to humans?
A truly haunting rumination.
Fire up your shrinky machine!
I've got to go inside Stan and
rescue your innerspace agent.
Come on, now. Talk to Avery.
What's the real reason
you're doing this?
Um, I think Stan swallowed
some of the Monopoly houses.
[GASPS] Training be damned!
Let's get you little!
In you go, Francine.
♪♪
Okay. You can do this.
[THUDDING]
Shoo! Shoo!
[GLASS CRACKING, LASERS ZAPPING]
♪♪
It's Cara!
[LAUGHS]
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]
So you think that tire is
gonna get you into Ataxia,
the most exclusive
nightclub in all of Langley?
You're gonna get laughed at,
and I, for one, am here for it.
Can't wait.
♪♪
[GRUNTS]
Holy mackerel.
That's Lamborghini rubber!
- Come right in!
- Son of a bitch.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[CROWD MURMURING]
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson?
Hey! Is that from a lambo? So sick.
You guys got to come watch the
fight with us in Atlantic City.
We're taking a helicopter.
It's Adele's birthday!
ADELE: Lambo. With me.
Son of a bitch!
[HEARTBEAT ECHOING]
And I guess he's been
doing this for years.
I'm sorry you got caught up in it.
Stop. It was a hell of a thing
you did coming in here after me.
I was hoping I'd see you again.
Me too.
I can't believe Stan's being so petty.
We should plug one of his arteries.
Let's hide one of his
testicles up inside his body.
That happened once when he
got scared by a firework.
[PHONE BUZZES, CHIMES]
- Hello?
- STAN: Betrayer!
You went inside me
without my permission.
There's a word for people
who do that, Francine
- parasite!
- I also feel betrayed.
Slow down. You kidnapped Cara.
To protect her because you always go
to these incredible lengths
just to steal my friends!
That's not at all what I'm doing!
Get back to the extraction
point and come home.
I forbid you to see Cara.
We're already together.
She's there? Tell her I say "whazzup?"!
Stan says hi.
"Hi"?! You make me sound like a dork!
Boy, you really can't help yourself.
You're being completely unreasonable!
You take some time to cool off!
In the meantime,
Cara and I will be in here
- bonding.
- Gaaah!
Bay-aah! That was fun.
Do you want to go to the
roof and shoot our guns?
I need to get them out of
there and away from each other.
Is there any other way to get them out?
Smith, we're the CIA.
We'll force them out even if
we have to kill you to do it.
[DIAL CLICKS, UP-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪♪
I saw you outside of my cell ♪
I saw you ♪
I got a plan ♪
I got a sexy plan for you ♪
I start to think that you
want something to drink ♪
I got a plan ♪
I got a sexy plan for you ♪
And then we drug them all ♪
And break out from this
up prison ♪
I tricked you with my orgy ♪
I stole your gun ♪
Your purpose is a lie ♪
Exposing it is fun ♪
♪♪
I saw you inside this hell ♪
I saw you ♪
I got a plan ♪
I got a killer plan for you ♪
We'll meet again,
and it'll be your end ♪
- I got a plan ♪
- [GASPS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Had enough?
What? Francine, I can barely hear you.
What spiders?
Your brain is riddled with spiders!
We had to abandon ship!
[EXPLOSION, ENGINES WHIRRING]
[CRASH, SPIDER SCREECHING]
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
Spiders? I warned you.
♪♪
Francine's in trouble!
I need to get in me!
Interesting. And how will that work?
Walk me through the logistics, I mean.
We don't have time for this.
Just shrink me down
and get me inside me.
Okay. Yeah. I hear it now.
What we need is to
build a team of agents
uniquely suited for this mission.
We'll need an ace pilot,
a stone-cold killer,
a brain expert, a bard to sing
the story of their triumph,
and oh, no.
Smith? Are the spiders in your eyes?
Hold still until I can get a
glass and a piece of paper.
No. The problem is I know the
perfect team for this mission.
I just really don't
want to make the call.
What could be so bad
that you would risk the lives
of your wife and fellow agent?
They're all work friends
that I've been keeping from Francine.
So it's gonna be like the movie
"Innerspace."
I don't have time to
explain the plot to you,
so we'll just watch it on my phone.
[SYNTHESIZER PLAYING]
Okay. So that was "Dunston Checks In."
I couldn't find "Innerspace" on YouTube,
but I think you'll get the gist of it
once you're in the tiny spaceship.
Primary objective
rescue a fellow agent
as well as Francine.
Oh, my God! Francine!
Francine?! How is she?!
[GROANS] Never mind.
This was a bad idea.
You can all go home. It has to be me.
Stan.
All right. Here's the deal.
I handpicked each of you because
you're invaluable to this op.
Sharon,
you're the best tracker on the force.
Thanks, Stan.
And you deserve to know
Francine didn't get the acting
bug and move to the Himalayas.
Also, no one is calling Nepal
"the new Hollywood."
Tony, my ride-or-die reverse wolfman.
I appreciate you squeezing
us in on a full moon.
Also, Francine is not a
regular werewolf whose schedule
is therefore completely
incompatible with yours.
Water under the bridge, Stan.
Brock, buddy, you know brains,
and I'm counting on
you to keep mine safe.
Also, Francine didn't get
stuck in the wet concrete
of the 11th Street bridge,
and I don't go sing
to her every new year.
Well,
it was a nice sentiment all the same.
And, Morgan Freeman,
history will want to
know what happened here
and you're just the guy to narrate it.
Smart. Save it for the field.
The truth is, my wife is amazing.
I lied to all of you because I
was afraid you'd like her more
and and I'd be left in the
lurch as the second banana.
But that's not her fault.
I'd like the chance to
say all this to her, too,
so please bring her home.
♪♪
[BELL CHIMES]
♪♪
Do you think I should've
warned them about the spiders?
Well, we did everything we wanted.
We reached the top.
High-stakes go fish.
Backstage with Rod Stewart.
A limo ride through a
Burger King drive-through
with a snow leopard.
You guys want some Rita's water ice?
The owner saw your wheel
and opened up early.
Guys! They've got blood orange!
Lamborghini wheel,
you made our dreams come true.
Now it's time for you to
do that for someone else.
I only wish we had more wheels to give.
- [BOTH GRUNT]
- You're not gonna believe this,
but there's a Lamborghini
out on the street here
with a flat tire.
The guy looks pretty desperate.
No! The tire chooses!
[BOTH GRUNT]
This moment
this is what they will remember us for.
♪♪
Remember,
the slightest damage to the brain
can have catastrophic
consequences for Stan,
so follow my instructions very
Aah!
- Ohh!
- [GASPS]
[SPIDERS SCREECHING]
Holy shit!
Hostiles incoming!
♪♪
[SPIDERS SCREECHING]
Find Francine! I'll hold 'em off!
♪♪
♪♪
So, how do you feel
like it's going in there?
Pretty good, I think.
[SPIDERS SCREECHING]
♪♪
Freeman!
We sure could use a poignant
pep talk right about now!
♪♪
[SPIDERS SCREECHING]
♪♪
[SPIDERS SCREECHING]
Aah-ha!
Ha!
[SPIDER SCREECHING]
Hyah!
♪♪
Francine?
Sharon?!
Shut up! How are you?!
Oh, pretty good. Working a lot.
- [SPIDER SCREECHING]
- [GRUNTS]
Can you guys climb out?
No! I think my leg is broken!
[SPIDER ROARS]
Well, I guess no news
is good news, right?
[SPIDER ROARS]
♪♪
Ooh.
♪♪
[SPIDER SCREECHING]
[SPIDERS GRUNTING]
♪♪
[HEARTBEAT ECHOING]
But when stretchy jeans came out?
Boom. That was the real
game-changer for wolfmen.
My quality of life went way up.
Tony, can I ask you something?
- Aren't you angry?
- About what?
It's Stan's fault you're
a reverse werewolf.
And he did it just to keep
us from being friends.
A little. But I also feel for him.
It's got to be tough
always getting eclipsed
by the person you love the most.
Kind of lonely, I'd think.
And there's no escaping that.
At least I get one night off a month.
I guess so.
[METAL CLANKS]
Let's kill it.
It's a baby now,
but we have no idea how big it'll get.
I don't know.
It can't get more than eight feet!
[LAUGHTER]
- Oh! - Awoo!
- [SPIDER LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS] And then, out of nowhere,
Sharon's head just pops up
over the ledge, like this!
- Oohur? Oohur?
- [LAUGHTER]
Like a dang turtle!
Oohur?
[LAUGHTER]
- Ah!
- A toast!
To an unbreakable friendship.
- [GLASS BREAKS]
- STAN: Damn it!
I can't imagine this is easy for you.
- Are you angry?
- Only at myself.
I'm so sorry about everything.
Francine, I was just jealous
of the way you pull
people into your orbit.
But now I realize I'm in that orbit,
too.
And there's nowhere else
I'd rather be, baby.
Oh, Stan.
- Mm!
- Mm-hmm.
MORGAN FREEMAN:
And through it all, Stan learned
the most important lesson
No amount of fighting or bargaining
will ever slow the hands
of old father time.
Children grow up,
whether you're ready for it or not.
I assume that's what he learned, anyway.
I'm pretty loaded.
You know,
Jack Nicholson gave me this bathing suit
on the set of "The Bucket List."
That man just gives and gives and gives.
[SPIDER SQUEAKING]
♪♪
Bye-bye! See you soon!