American Dad s18e18 Episode Script


Previously on "American Dad"
Babe, where's my hat?
Wait, this isn't my hat.
I'm lost without my hat!
Don't shut me out, Jeff!
Our new life begins today.
Welcome to Lids. I'm Parker.
What can I help you find today?
NARRATOR: That's right.
Tonight, your questions
are finally answered.
Tonight, you find out what
happened with Jeff's hat!
This episode takes place
right after that episode
where Jeff lost his hat
and before he gets it back.
He doesn't buy that one.
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- Good ♪
- Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Check it out!
I found my old high school yearbook!
Wait, you're from a different planet,
but you went to "high school"
and had a "yearbook?"
Captain of the JV lacrosse
team two years in a row.
Wow, this is taking me back.
Wow, wow, wow, wow. Oh, wow!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Wow what?
Oh, nothing. Just reminiscing.
He wanted me to ask!
I know you wanted me to ask!
[GASPS] My senior portrait!
FRANCINE: "Live fast and
leave a dope-ass footprint."
Is that your senior quote?
Great long-distance reading, Mom!
Yeah, I put that in there
to always remind me
why I didn't just take a job
working at my uncle
Rizbo's space gas station.
They really call it a space gas station?
What would you call a
place that sells space gas?
Uncle R wanted me bad,
but I thought I was destined
for greater things.
I don't know,
I thought I was gonna make a mark,
but when I think about it,
what have I actually done?
What are you talking about?
You've been a senator,
a wedding planner.
You were essentially a cop.
That's essentially true.
Your footprint is crazy dope, bro!
But I didn't do those things,
my personas did.
If the losers from my high school
try to look me up they won't find Roger,
they'll find Reaganomics Lamborghini,
or Twill Ongenbone, or Ricky Spanish.
Doesn't someone usually
NARRATOR: Sorry, sorry,
I was ripping a clove.
Ricky Spanish.
I know exactly how you feel, Roger.
Everything I've done for the CIA?
Completely anonymous.
I skinned a warlord alive,
but you won't read about
that in the papers.
Do you want people to read about that?
Oh, my God! None of you understand me!
I do, Stan! This started out
as my thing, remember?
Oh, yeah! Come on, Roger.
Let's eat somewhere else.
This lady always gets
my order wrong anyway.
It's Hayley.
She says Jeff needs us.
Is this the hat thing?
Bet your ass it is.
Let's roll.
Roger, where are we?
Bruncha Nonsense!
Langley's hottest party brunch spot!
And we're here because they
have bottomless mimosas!
And if we're gonna figure out
how to leave a footprint behind,
we're gonna need drinks. Oh, shit!
The drag show is starting.
Don't make eye contact.
Stop me if I try to top
them and embarrass myself
by doing the splits,
which I'm not even good at
because of my little meatball legs.
Just make today about me for once!
Hayley! We came as soon as we could.
- What's the status?
- Zero progress.
Jeff's been staring at
these hats for six hours.
- Oh, the poor thing.
- You can do this, buddy.
Ask for a fedora!
What's happening here?
He's trying to pick a new hat.
Oh, wow. Huge.
Yeah, sorry, I'm not coming.
Let me know if we have a boy or a girl.
Love you, bye!
[GULPS] Okay,
if we want to leave a big footprint,
we need a big idea.
Oh! What if we get the city council
to turn that abandoned lot by the mall
into a park for kids?
Yes! And maybe at night it
can be for drug addicts?
Sure! And we can put our names on it!
Stan and Roger park!
Except Except it sounds hard.
Is there anything easier?
Hmm. Easier would be easier.
You know what all these
mimosas make me want to do?
Go to a taping of "Morning Mimosa."
Ooh! Do you think we're drunk enough?
They ask that you be pretty drunk.
There's a whole lot of rhythm
goin' 'round ♪
I told you we were drunk enough!
We're not as drunk as Trish.
We want the funk ♪
Give up the funk ♪
Oh, we need the funk ♪
Stan, I thought of a footprint idea.
What's the one thing I can do
that everyone will remember?
Win the Stanley cup?
Reveal myself as an alien!
Perfect! But what about the CIA?
They'll arrest you and
use you for esper-i-mints.
Ah, yeah. I forget
they're after me sometimes.
Me too. I go through long stretches
where I don't even think about it.
You know what's crazy?
I see Bullock all the time.
I have a persona that
plays poker with him,
one that's on a bowling team with him.
We've been on nine
different hinge dates.
He always asks for a ride home
so he can make a move in the car.
What a skeeze.
Good tactic, though.
Usually works on me.
Stan, I figured it out.
When I reveal myself, you "catch" me.
Then you tell everyone you killed me,
and I go back in the attic!
Of course!
You're earth's first alien,
and I'd be the man who killed him!
Footprint City, USA!
Aye aye, captain!
Captain? Did you draw on my face again?
It's no use. It's permanent.
You got to wait for the
skin to die and flake off.
So, we've got a big idea,
and now we need a big audience.
We need a TV show.
Yes! But how do we get one?
That's the easy part.
You ever heard of Brandon Tartikoff?
NBC president from 1981 to 1991?
Rings a bell.
Legend has it that the idea for
"Miami Vice" came from
Brandon writing "MTV cops"
on a cocktail napkin.
- Is that true?
- Probably not.
Even so, all we have to do
is put the right combination
of words on a napkin
and we'll be in television heaven.
"Tax cops."
WOMAN: Excuse me.
I am a successful television executive,
and I believe that napkin
is going to be a hit show!
Can I buy it?
- Deal!
- Excellent.
Nice to meet you, I'm Tony Vengeance.
Wow, great name.
Stan Smith. And this is
You're gonna like this,
he's usually got great names.
- Stan Matthews.
- Really?
Stan one and Stan two, love it!
I'll see you Stans in Hollywood!
Where you'll make so much money
you could buy a real eye patch!
And you can buy a nose!
A real nose?
I can almost smell it!
Footprint City, here we come!
Stan Matthews?
Yeah, Dave Matthews' brother.
Oh, wow.
And that is why I don't lead with it.
Stan Matthews likes to make
his own way in the world.
NARRATOR: There are 1,500 IRS agents
in the state of Virginia.
These are their stories.
Everyone pays taxes, dirt bag!
Easy! He's rich! The rules don't apply!
He's shooting at us!
Good! The windshield is a write-off!
I know this guy is lying on his taxes,
I just don't know how!
The numbers!
The answer is always the numbers!
Got him.
What does this guy want?
Revenge. I busted him for claiming
a boa constrictor as a dependent.
That snake!
Ma'am, I'm afraid I have bad news.
I don't know, partner.
Sometimes it feels like all
we do is look for write-offs.
When what we should be doing
is looking for right-ons.
TONY: You're killing it, Stans!
12 episodes aired,
and an Emmy for best new show!
The network is so pleased
that they've decided to air
the finale after the Super Bowl!
After the Super Bowl?!
Not only that,
but we're gonna do the episode live!
Well, I'll leave you two
to your creative process.
Heavens to Betsy!
Our plan is working, Stan!
Oh, I got you something to commemorate
the footprint we're gonna
make when we drop the a-bomb!
Do you mean alien bomb?
And the finale is the
perfect place to drop it.
Yeah, totally, totally.
Doesn't want to open his gift.
That's fine. Friendship is
best celebrated alone, I guess.
Unless he thinks it's for Christmas!
Listen up, gang.
The network just told me
our finale is going to air
live after the Super Bowl!
- I need ideas.
- Ideas?
Aren't we locked in with the a-bomb?
Maybe, but let's keep it open
until the staff has
a chance to weigh in.
Maybe we do an episode
shot entirely from
the perspective of a tax return?
And like half the episode
is just hearing voices
from inside an envelope?
- That's good, Finchy!
- Stan, I don't
I don't think that works
with the "thing."
- What thing?
- The big reveal.
The big alien reveal?
The big alien reveal?!
Are we tackling the tax ramifications
of illegal immigration?
No. Can I talk to you outside?
But write that down, Andrew.
Something for next season.
I'm not afraid to tell the truth.
Look, Roger, I know the original idea
was the whole "alien thing,"
but I really feel like
that's not the story
we're telling anymore.
That's the only story!
Totally, and we've got that
in our back pocket, for sure.
But I've been thinking,
what if Audit Dogs is our footprint?
Why do Sci-Fi alien stuff when
we can say something real?
It's not Sci-Fi, Stan. It's my life.
If it has aliens, it's Sci-Fi,
even if it's real.
Why would we pivot when we're
just scratching the surface
of the racist origins of
the Virginia tax code?
Come on, Roger, we won an Emmy!
I didn't! Stan Matthews did,
and that's the worst persona
name I've ever come up with!
You added Esquire. That's pretty funny.
Yeah, well Roger still needs to make
his footprint somehow!
And I'm gonna do something about it!
Babe, you can do this.
Parker's trying to help you.
You got to sack up and trust him.
He put us all in great hats.
He can do that for you.
What is happening here?
He's trying to pick a new hat.
Did he try that blue one?
He did. No go.
Is that a talking fish?
Welcome back.
We're very excited to
bring on our next guests,
the creators and stars of "Audit Dogs",
Stan Smith and Stan Matthews!
Welcome, Stans!
- Now, your show is very good.
- Thank you.
But you're not here to talk about that.
Stan two, we're told you have
something shocking to share.
No, don't do this.
Trish and Suze, I am not Stan Matthews.
I'm not even a man.
- I'm
- A dog?
- No. I'm
- Two dogs?
Hold that thought!
I'm being told by our producers
that we're being pre-empted by the news!
Memphis Stormfront here
with breaking news.
Mankind has made contact
with extraterrestrial life.
An alien spacecraft has
landed in Langley Falls.
What the
- I knew you'd try something like this.
- This is you?!
We bring you there live
As he descends from his ship,
I wonder why he's chosen our
insignificant rock, earth.
What wisdom hath he come to share?
Oh, well. Probably for the best.
He looked weird.
This will surely be the first
of many aliens to visit earth,
but who will care or
remember the next one?
Now, back to "Morning Mimosa",
where I understand Trish
is interviewing a dog, or possibly two.
Another alien?!
Are you shitting me right now?!
Ugh, I knew you were gonna harp on this.
Because being the first alien here
was my last shot at leaving a footprint!
And you took that away from me,
for your precious show.
Goodbye forever, Stan.
I'm packing my things and leaving earth!
This is a mistake!
We're making "The Wire", but good!
Jiminy Weasel! Is that a weal wocket?
That's a model, kid.
Yeah, sure buddy.
[BLEEP] knew it was a real rocket.
Goodbye, earth.
You may not remember me,
but I'll never forget you.
Sorry, kid, didn't realize
there was anyone else on here.
Don't freak out, but I'm an alien.
Well, then don't you have
your own space ship?
Oh, crap. It was a really good one, too.
I'm real happy to finally have
you working for me, Roger.
I think this is gonna be great!
Me too, uncle Rizbo!
You know, I was obsessed with making
a massive footprint on the universe.
But now I realize I'll
be perfectly happy
making a smaller,
yet equally important footprint,
at this dingy gas station
with basically zero customers.
I do have one question, though.
How do you keep from killing yourself?
My advice is to just take
it one space day at a time.
You know what? Maybe I can do that.
Which is 17 million earth years.
Well, I'll leave you to it.
But two questions.
Is that a human, and can I eat him?
Ooh. I'm a hot commodity up here.
Okay, Stan two is gone,
and we need to recast.
I'm thinking either a super hot lady
or Bobby Moynihan,
but I'm open to ideas.
What if your new partner
is a talking helicopter?
How would I hear it
talk over the rotors?
- Don't take this
the wrong way, but you have bad ideas.
Ugh, where did the good ideas come from?
Where did this present come from?
"Dear Stan, thank you for
making a footprint with me."
"When I gazed down at the beach,
"there was only one pair of footprints,
when there should've been two."
There should've been two!
I have to rewrite the finale.
- Can we go home?
- No.
I need to get a copy
of the finale to space.
Which means I need you all
to build me a rocket ship.
How are we supposed to do that?
You're television writers,
the smartest people in the world.
Figure it out.
There's only one hat left.
This has got to be it!
Oh, this one's fabulous.
If he doesn't want it, I'm buying it.
No! None of these hats will do!
But there are no more hats.
Yes, there is.
But only one hat can make me whole.
I know what I must do.
I must go on a quest.
A quest to find my actual hat!
A quest? I'm in!
But Mr. Klaus, it could be dangerous.
Really? Why?
Who cares about danger?
My babe needs his hat.
Stan one! I read the new finale.
Pretty great, right?
Oh, yeah, very great.
The greatest! The best greatest!
One sort of macro note. It's terrible
Ly great?
Usually the show has a ton of action,
but this is just two
characters talking about
"footprints" in a diner.
Also, everyone keeps talking
about someone named Roger.
Who is that? Who the [BLEEP] is Roger?
My best friend.
Oh. Look, if you do this episode,
your audience is gonna be very confused.
It could ruin the show.
There are things I'm trying
to say to our audience,
and to Roger.
- Your best friend Roger?
- Yes.
If losing the show is the price
of getting my friend back, I'll pay it.
Okay, you are the writer.
I am just a humble television executive,
here to support your
vision no matter what.
I do have six pages of notes.
It's mostly just stream of
consciousness descriptions
of what I think unicorns
are up to in real life.
Take it or leave it.
How are you watching Audit Dogs?
Oh, we get earth television up here.
Just like in "Contact."
- You ever see that movie?
- No.
So you're just another
fraud at space camp.
I thought being audit
dogs was our legacy?
No, we're not audit dogs.
We're Stan and Roger!
And when you left,
I remembered all the things we've done.
I realized there was a hole in my heart
where your foot had been
because the footprints
that matter are the ones you
leave on your loved ones.
And you've left a Shaquille O'Neal-sized
footprint on my heart.
This show sucks now.
Stan always talked about
having something to say.
Was that it?
Yo, can I get your bathroom key?
Is this an Emmy? From earth?
Yeah, how do you know that?
I'm a major intergalactic
movie producer.
I've won all sorts of awards!
But an Emmy from earth?
That's the top, baby! This is yours?
Yeah, I used to make
this show "Audit Dogs."
No shit!
Oh, yeah, I did lots of stuff on earth.
I'd dress up as different
people and do whatever I wanted.
I was a senator, a yoga instructor,
I had a bunch of sex.
Oh, man, sex feels
soooo good down on earth!
- Not like here.
- Wow!
Your story is incredible.
I'd love to make it into a movie.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah!
And I think you should star!
This is gonna be huge,
and everyone in the universe
is gonna know your name!
Heavens to Betsy!
You know,
another thing for the movie is that
- I had this human family
- And you didn't eat them?
Oh, no, I loved them too much.
I'd come home to them and share
everything I did that day.
And the dad was this great guy
who would think this movie
thing was so cool and and
STAN: Roger ♪
Roger ♪
Our footprint is real ♪
They gave you an Emmy for this?
Hey, he's stealing my ship!
Oh, sweet! A human boy!
I'm starving!
And I'll save the bottom half for later.
Who am I kidding?
I'm gonna eat it all now.
- Roger!
- Stan!
I got what I wanted,
a chance to leave a real footprint!
But it felt empty,
and I realized the real footprint
is the one you leave on those you love.
So you got the message I
put in the show for you?
Oh, is that what you were trying to say?
Anyway, I can't wait to get
back to work on "Audit Dogs."
We got cancelled.
Also our entire writing staff
died in a freak rocket accident.
Oh, that's too bad. I liked Finchy.
He smelled good. Where is everybody?
Francine left a voice mail.
Said something about Jeff and a quest.
Oh, this must be the hat thing.
Really makes our problems seem small.
Our plan is working purrrr-fectly.
Without his hat,
Jeff will lose his mind,
and Hayley will have no
choice but to leave him.
Then she'll be single,
and we can ask her out.
'Zooka sharks!
Is the bathroom Hey, is that my hat?
- Uh
- Thanks, dude!
Hey guys! The quest is done, man!
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
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