American Dad s18e19 Episode Script

1
I can't believe this is
our last calculus class.
Well, don't worry.
If it's anything like the others,
it'll feel like a lifetime.
I'm going to miss all your little jokes,
Steve Smith.
I still can't believe
you're about to graduate.
And follow Billie Eilish on tour!
So cool!
I'm hoping to meet her
'cause I think she knows
who my real dad is.
I know it's the last day,
but I'm gonna have to
reteach you everything!
I just found out that at the
start of the school year,
one of my colleagues
pranked me and switched
my teacher's edition with
one full of bullshit,
and that's what I've been
teaching you all year.
Thank God none of us were
paying attention, am I right?
That's it.
You guys don't respect me,
I don't make squat,
and I have to cram for my
test on the milkshake machine
before my shift at Bobby Freeze,
which starts in nine minutes?!
Hey, are you going to
Vince Chung's
end-of-the-year bash tonight?
I doubt it.
His party is invite-only
and he only liked me when I had boobs.
Tell you what, since you've
been making me laugh all year
and it is our last week together
before I follow Billie on the road,
if you do show up to Vince
Chung's party tonight
I'll give you a handjob
Handjob
Handjob
Handjob
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- Good ♪
- Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
This is it, man!
It's finally happening for you!
You're going to become a man!
I'm not gonna lie, Snot.
When you got bar mitzvah'd last year
and became a man the Jewish way,
I was very jealous.
And now it's your turn to do
it one of the Christian ways.
But how are we gonna get an
invite to Vince Chung's party?
It'd be one thing if Barry were here.
Vince Chung loves Barry.
Apparently if you witness
one murder at Taco Bell
with someone,
it creates some sort of "bond."
Too bad he and Toshi already
left for summer horse camp.
I'll text him.
I'm warning you bud, if you text
Barry at camp, you're just gonna
get a hundred horse photos.
What a ride, Pepper!
This is why we do it, Tosh.
The union of man and beast.
Sometimes I don't know where
I end and my horse begins.
You guys? No way!
Only cools get to go to my party, bros.
Oh, dude,
you're the guy who caught that bird
with your bare hand in PE class.
Please come to my bash.
Vince, please,
it's the difference between my friend
becoming a man or not.
Tell you what, I'll let you guys
come to my party under one condition.
You bring a keg
of Og 4LOCO!
Okay, we just have to get a keg
of Og 4LOCO, whatever that is.
You think you two nerds
can get a keg of Og 4LOCO?
The one with caffeine,
taurine, and guarana?
Yes?
I happen to know there's only one place
within a 100-mile radius that has it.
A dirty dive bar in
Chimdale called XXXX.
That's four X's.
It used to be called XXX in
honor of the Vin Diesel movie,
but they got into trouble
with Columbia Pictures
and had to add the extra X.
- Oh.
- Good luck buying
a keg there underage.
It's a fake ID graveyard.
Even the ones I sell don't work there.
Alright, see you chodes later.
I'm off to eavesdrop on more students
and spread more dangerous legends.
Alright, you heard him.
If we're going to make you a man,
we need real IDs.
I think it's time we
talk to my uncle Roger.
They're so cool. I wish
Mark McKenzie, you talking switchblades?
The ice cream man will sell you one
if you know the secret password
"butterball."
Hey, Roger, I
Huh, I know
he's usually out doing stuff,
but he's usually also here.
Steve-O, what up, chode?!
I need your help.
- Can you get me
- No can do, I'm busy.
I finally figured out how to
get rid of all my Kohl's cash
gift cards without having
to buy anything from Kohl's.
- Later, chode!
- No, Rog
I know where we can get IDs, Snot.
But I'd be breaking a
promise I made to my uncle.
If my dad taught me anything,
breaking promises is a
huge part of being a man.
Gosh, your uncle really
has some unique outfits!
Uh, it's nothing weird,
he just likes to shop at thrift stores
and buy dead people's clothes
because sometimes they
have wallets in them.
Oh.
Bingo.
And these adult clothes
will make us look older
than our little boy clothes.
We're going to do this Steve,
I can feel it.
A girl is gonna rub your penis
until you orgasm tonight.
What the hell do you
think you're doing?!
You don't have to show ID, Clint!
Anyone with Clint is
probably an asshole,
but you can come in too!
Hey, everybody!
Look what the ol' Ferret dragged in!
Clint!
I thought you died!
Steve, what's happening?
Roger's personas
They're working on us!
Hey, everybody, drinks are on
us if this credit card works!
That's kind of a big "if" though, right?
Clint, I should kick your
ass for cheating me at pool
and stealing my truck last time.
But now that I'm walking everywhere,
my diabetes cleared up
and I'm in the best shape of my life!
Carrot stick?
I don't get why the whole bar
thinks I'm this guy Clint.
Listen, the good news is for some reason
they really believe we're adults,
which means buying this keg
is going to be super easy.
Excuse me!
- I'd like to buy a keg of
- Ío kegs today!
Dave's the only one with
the key to the keg fridge.
- What?
- What?
Our owner Dave has the only key.
And he's at his friend's wedding.
That's obviously not
the wedding he's at now,
but no doubt it gets my point across.
How many weddings are on Friday night?
There must be a way to find it.
I know where it is!
I couldn't help but overhear you
because I've been eavesdropping
on people a lot lately.
Not only do I know where the wedding is,
I'm going myself.
See, me and my buddy,
we like to wedding crash
like the movie.
So when I heard Dave talking
about a wedding the other day,
I locked it away.
The Ramada on Fifth and
something.
Eh, if we drive down Fifth long enough,
we'll find it.
Hit the ocean, we've gone too far!
There's a phone in my jacket.
Silent mode this bad boy.
Steve,
don't you think it's a little weird
that Lewis doesn't recognize us?
Yeah! I do.
Now relax.
Don't let the sun go down on me ♪
Although I search myself ♪
It's always someone else I see ♪
I'd just allow a
fragment of your life ♪
To wander free ♪
Oh-ho! ♪
Whoa, a new flavor!
Green tea with Moroccan mint!
Should we buy it instead of our usual
green tea with peach and lemongrass?
Maybe we buy both?
Buy both?!
Sure, why don't we buy
some fruit punch too?!
We're supposed to be saving for a house
to show your dad we're responsible.
And you want to double our tea budget?
And I said, "make it 10 bucks
and I'll put both hands up there!"
- Ugh.
- Ahhhhhh!
Relax, Clint!
This isn't even my car!
'Zooka Sharks!
This is our year!
Or maybe we get all the flavors
and don't use any of our tea budget!
Steve, look!
The Ramada!
Dave and his key are right there!
You check the perimeter,
I'll take the dance floor.
Dave?!
Dave?!
Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave!
Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave!
Dave? Dave?
Dave! Dave!
Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave!
Dave!
Dr. Kenji! You came!
And I didn't even invite you!
You've got to give a speech!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I couldn't
Guys, I want you to meet my dentist.
He's cool and he's always
telling me dirty jokes,
and now he's going to give a toast.
This is gonna be better than
a Netflix stand-up special!
Oh, no.
You can't go too blue.
Uh, that's right, I'm his dentist.
And I swear
that's "the whole tooth
and nothing but the tooth."
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Clint, you bastard!
You just had to show
up on my wedding day!
You know I can't resist you.
Come on!
Someone in here, actually.
It's okay.
I know what you want.
Whoa, I do kind of want this!
And that's when I said
"Make it 10 bucks and I'll
put both hands up there!"
Thank you, goodnight!
Dr. Kenji, everyone!
That was so funny I'm
going to piss myself.
I'm not lying!
I know you're loving this.
I've been on my feet all day long.
What the hell is going on in here?
Hilarious speech, man.
You don't meet a lot of funny dentists.
I'm actually looking for a funny guy.
See, I wasn't even invited
to this wedding.
Me and my buddy are wedding crashers
like the movie.
Except my buddy didn't show up!
So I'm done with him! He's out!
I'm looking for a Vince Vaughn-type
to play opposite my Owen Wilson-type,
and you might fit the bill.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
You ruined my wedding!
My wife's beautiful feet
smell like a face now!
Come on!
Oh, he is a Vince Vaughn-type.
Go, go! This guy's gonna kill us!
Okay, but this isn't a normal cab,
because this is a Kohl's cash cab!
It's just like the show "Cash Cab"
where they drive you around
and ask you trivia questions
except on this one, you win Kohl's cash
instead of usable cash!
This is my pilot episode.
I'm shooting it on my own and
hoping to sell it to Kohl's.
- Just go!
- Steve?
Well, look who it is
Local piece of shit Clint McGlint
and dentist to the Japanese mafia,
Dr. Kenji.
- Please, Rog
- Anh-anh.
Please Jamiroquai J. Spunklestain.
Ah, damn it! Please just go!
Okay, but only if you get
the questions right.
Miss one question and I
drop you at the next corner.
This show is much harder
than the one that was on
Discovery Channel!
Here at "American Dad,"
we love Discovery Channel
and welcome Warner Bros-Discovery
as TBS's new overlord.
Long may scripted
television reign supreme!
What's the hardest haircut to cut?
- What?
- We've got company!
That's your first question.
What's the hardest haircut to cut?
Uh, the Rachel?
Yes! That's correct.
And that's a $50 Kohl's cash!
This question's a little bit harder.
What's the third-best Pixar movie?
Uh, "The Incredibles"!
Ope, sorry, that's wrong!
No, it's not!
"Wall-E," "Toy Story,"
"The Incredibles."
No, it goes "Shrek," "Toy Story,"
"Nemo," "Incredibles."
"Shrek's" not even a Pixar movie!
- Yes, it is!
- No, it isn't.
It's Dreamworks.
Please hold.
Well, cluck me. What do you know?
That's $50 Kohl's cash!
He's back!
Don't worry, this next question's easy.
What is the best kind of weather?
- Rain!
- Wrong!
Ah, I'm stuck real good.
Sorry, but the best kind
of weather is two tornados.
Thanks for playing.
Wait, you're dropping us off here?
Damn, this is one of the
roughest parts of Chimdale.
But I don't pick where
you get the answers wrong.
Now get out!
And quit going through
other people's stuff!
Well, Steve wants my help
getting into Vince Chung's party.
Probably because of our
Taco Bell trauma bond.
I just feel like Steve and Snot
might be in danger for some reason.
Geez, this Makahama guy
called a thousand times.
Hey, the Uber on this phone works.
We can get home!
Home?! But we have to get the keg.
How? Face it, Snot, we're done.
We lost Dave.
And no Dave, no key.
No key, no keg.
No keg, no party.
No party, no handie.
Come on, Steve, this is your destiny!
Snot, it's okay.
A part of me is actually relieved.
- What?
- It's just
I was a little afraid
of getting a handjob.
Afraid? Why?
What if I don't do it right?
What if my penis is weird?
I can't believe this kind of talk.
Steve, I have no doubt you
have a wonderful penis.
Also, if you don't, who cares?
We're entering a new
age of body positivity
where weird is beautiful, my friend.
- Dave!
- Dave!
- Dave!
- He's out.
Well, we don't need him, just the key.
Check the keychain!
He's only got one key on
here like a psychopath.
It must be inside.
If we find the key and hustle
back to the bar to get the keg,
we can still make the party.
But the keg's not at the bar.
What? How do you know that?
Because it's right here.
It's beautiful.
You were right, Snot.
It's our destiny.
Let's go!
Let us help you with that.
You haven't been answering
your phone, Dr. Kenji.
I'm sorry, Mr. Makahama,
I assumed you wanted sparkling water!
Well, you know what happens
when you assume
You die!
Dr. Kenji, thank you for coming.
I'm sorry we had to be so persistent.
Ah, no problem.
Two nights ago, I ate a gumdrop,
and it made my tooth really hurt.
Then it went away.
But then, I ate a bunch of jujubes
and the pain came back worse!
Please remove the tooth at once.
After you fix the boss's tooth,
you'll get your keg back.
How are we going to get out of this?
This is complex dental work,
and I'm terrible with my hands.
You said you wanted
to become a man, right?
Well, a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.
Okay, what tooth is it?
Just give that a second to work.
Now let's yank this bad boy.
It does not want to come out!
Ahh! Ahh!
Hold on
Almost
Got it!
Ahhhh!
'Ill 'hem!
Steve, the cart!
The elevator!
Uh-oh.
Ahh!
Oh, God!
We're not falling!
I think we're flying this thing!
We just passed Vince Chung's house!
We need to turn around!
Deflect off the Shark's nest!
We're alive!
Oh, my God
it's Vince Chung's party!
We did it!
I'm gonna become a man!
No, we didn't.
- Who cares?
- Who cares?
Uh, Vince Chung for starters.
We've come too far.
I'm going to that party.
And I'm getting that handjob.
Yasss, queen!
Yazzzzzz!
Hey
You have no clue what
I've been through tonight.
Just to get here. To you.
Why the hell is this
old-ass guy kissing me?!
That's my dentist!
Oh, my God!
Somebody kill them!
Get 'em!
We gotta get out of these clothes!
I can't believe how close
I came to becoming a man
only to be, well, too old I guess.
What an awful night.
Steve
Tonight was the best night of my life.
And do you know why?
'Cause that bride grabbed your wiener?
No
Because I watched you become a man.
Yeah, you didn't get an hj,
but you did give an
amazing wedding speech.
You cracked a guy over
the head with a vase.
You pulled the tongue out
of a Japanese mob boss.
You shoved Vince Chung.
And you kissed the girl.
Hey, you haven't seen some scuzzy guy
and an off-duty dentist, have you?
Well, the Japanese mafia
and a bunch of high-school
kids want them dead,
so you should probably
get off the streets.
Can you give us a ride home?
No way! Every man for themselves!
And put on some clothes!
Somebody need a ride?
Hey, I can't believe they let you guys
take your horses home from horse camp.
Oh, they didn't let us
H'yah!
Bye-bye! See you soon!