American Dad s19e11 Episode Script

1
Hi!
I'm Trish.
This is my partner-in-crime, Suze.
And I'm Suze.
And this is Morning Mimosa!
We've got a hell of a show
planned for you today.
Mayor Garfield will be on later
for a game of Suck and Blow.
Ooh!
As well as the world's
youngest blackbelt.
Aw!
And get this, she knows all
the state capitals by heart.
What a remarkable little dork, right?
And lastly, your favorite and ours,
Todd Fox will be joining us again
with his collection of exotic animals.
Speaking of, we want to take a minute
up front to issue a public apology.
Uh-oh.
We got a lot of letters from
animal rights watchdogs last week,
and Suze would like to
say a deep-down sorry
for eating that rare butterfly.
Thought it was a hummingbird.
Okay, on with the show!
Producer Charlie,
please pull up the map.
Let's get an early bird
look at today's
D-U-I Checkpoints!
Hi. Charlie Greenfield.
That's you, not me.
Hayley Smith is me.
- Intern, starting today.
- Intern?
For my Journalism class at Groff.
Listen, we don't really
do journalism here.
News is dark and dreary. Boo.
No fun first thing in the morning.
What we do is this.
You voted and we listened.
All week, Trish will be doing
the show from a papasan!
Whee! I'm spilling!
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
Ah!
Good morning, USA ♪
Whee! I'm spilling!
Oh, my God, I want to die.
Why am I throwing up tar?
It's food poisoning.
We all caught it.
It's hard to pin down
exactly what caused it,
but I'm leaning toward the giant wok
of squid ink paella we made last night.
Okay, did a quick
inventory of our rations
and we've got zero sports drinks,
ginger ale, or saltines.
What we do have are 62 Tupperware
containers of squid ink paella.
I threw out everything
else to make room.
You gotta remember,
at the time, we loved the paella.
I don't want to sound dramatic, but
if we don't get some electrolytes soon,
things could get
pretty dire around here.
Jeff, did you eat
the paella last night?
Nope. Hayley and I went out to dinner
to celebrate her new internship.
We're saved!
I did have some for breakfast.
Did you guys know it's
the only food in the kitchen?
Jeff, run!
You have ten,
maybe 12 minutes before you turn.
You need to buy as much
Gatorade as you can carry.
You're our only hope!
You can count on me, Mrs. S!
Whoa! New dog in the neighborhood!
You're a friendly guy, aren't you?
You're kinda small for a Basset Hound.
You got a little Chihuahua in you too?
- Jeff!
- You [BLEEP]!
Don't mean to interrupt.
Just wanted to meet my coworkers.
Hayley Smith, intern.
I heard you're having
Mayor Garfield on later.
Seems like maybe a good opportunity
to ask him about the sorry state of
basketball courts in our public parks.
Charlie, this one's talking to me!
Did you see that?
It looked me right in the face!
What are you doing?
You don't talk to the talent.
What did you say to them?
I mentioned Mayor Garfield hasn't
been keeping his campaign promise.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I said no journalism.
Well, surely,
a little journalism can't hurt.
This show. It's light, it's bubbly.
It goes down smooth, like a mimosa!
And right now, you, you're like a
wasp hovering around that mimosa.
You're annoying, and you don't
understand that this is our picnic!
I just want to try and do
some good while I'm here.
Good, then I have
the perfect job for you.
Now I understand you love clowns.
No. Towns. State capitals.
I hate clowns.
"Clowns"? That's my cue!
Cheyenne! Lincoln! Dover! Olympia!
- What are you in for?
- Attacked by a small child.
Small monkey.
- I'm Todd Fox.
- I know. I'm a massive fan
- Why, thank you.
- of your octopus, Kristoff.
Oh. Well
- You can meet him if you like.
- Are you serious?
Of course.
He goes everywhere with me. Kristoff!
Kristoff, say hello.
Hello, lady. Nice lady sad.
- Kristoff.
- No, it's okay. I am feeling a little down.
- What's the trouble?
- I came here thinking it was a chance
to get my foot in the door,
but now I realize how stupid that was.
Well, that's extremely vague,
but my advice,
if you find yourself tied to something
that makes you unhappy,
cut it loose and walk away.
Huh. Well, thank you, Mr. Fox.
Please, call me Todd Fox.
Intern! There you are.
We need to get you out of that sling
and into your tortilla chip costume.
We're five minutes away from
the piping hot queso high dive.
Medical team on standby?
Nope. Can't do it. Todd Fox is right.
Gotta cut this loose and walk away.
I can just take the journalism
class again next year.
What's this?
"Todd Fox's first wife was murdered.
Follow the money, Hayley."
I'm Hayley! Oh, my God!
Journalism.
Out of the way!
Bombshell coming through!
She's overselling herself.
She's a six on a good day.
Okay, look,
I know you guys don't do news,
but Todd Fox might have
murdered his first wife.
You have to dig into this
before he's on the show.
We don't have to do anything.
I'm not touching that.
How do we know you didn't write it?
Yeah. How do we know
it wasn't you who got murdered?
- What?
- Intern?
I thought I told you to
stop pestering the stars.
And what is this?
A-ha! Just as I suspected.
A scoop.
If it's true, it's huge news.
Wait, really?
Well, in that case,
call the freakin' Gazette
because that's not what we do here!
Drop it or you're fired,
and I'll see to it that you never
work in brunch-time television again.
Okay.
Besides, you really think
these two are even capable
of handling your alleged "bombshell"?
Look at them.
All this is making me want a churro bad.
Bring in the Churrodillo!
I'm too sexy for my shirt ♪
Yeah, work it, Churrodillo. Work it!
The kitchen is off-limits forever now,
and I don't want to talk about why.
Could I at least sneak in
quickly and change out my water?
The kitchen is gone, Klaus!
Well, I'm sure Jeff will be
home any minute and we'll all be saved.
Jeff is dead in a ditch
somewhere covered in ink.
I feel it in my bones.
It's time to accept the fact that
none of us are coming back from this.
Snack cart! He's got drinks!
We're saved!
Steve, you have to signal him!
Don't let him get away!
Wha Ahh! Whoa!
Did he see you, Steve?
This is such good journalism.
I am doing the shit
out of this journalism.
Is that my microfiche reader?
You're still researching Todd Fox,
aren't you?
Jesus, are those my sour Twizzlers too?
Those were in my car, my locked car.
You got big ovaries, kid.
I'll give you that.
You know, I did too once.
God, it seems like another lifetime now.
I'll tell you about it
after I nuke this toilet.
Done.
The year was 17. For me.
For some others,
it was likely a different age.
Trish and I were paired up at random
by our broadcast journalism teacher.
We were a great team from the start.
Our first expose blew the
lid off local corruption,
earning us a B plus in the class.
It was one of those teachers
who doesn't give 'A's
based on some misguided principle.
No, I don't give 'A's.
Because of my misguided principles.
After our first big scoop,
we were hooked.
Just two more kids in America
falling recklessly in
love with the news!
Early reports indicate
thousands injured or missing.
We're not finished doing the news!
Eventually, we landed
our own TV news hour.
But we were young and didn't know
the dark side of the industry yet.
Hi, Suze. I also had to use the bathroom,
so I can help with this story, too.
Test groups find the
two of you intimidating.
I was thinking maybe we cash
in those dusty old pantsuits
for something that
shows a little more leg.
And, Trish, lose the glasses.
No one likes chicks who can see good.
I just think we could get more
eyeballs if we added a simple game.
I promise it won't
compromise your credibility.
I'm not asking you to play
Twister with Gore Vidal.
Just something to loosen everyone up.
Think casual.
And maybe a drink in your hand
to grease the wheels?
And now, we're here.
Wow. I had no idea.
That is so, so perfect.
It is? Maybe I told it wrong.
Don't you see?
You two aren't just aging,
cookie-cutter, empty calorie,
talentless, mid-tier beauties.
- Ouch!
- Jesus!
You've got chops!
You were a real deal journalists once,
and you can be that again. Right now.
I don't know.
Just listen to this juice
I dug up on Todd Fox.
His wife was a wealthy heiress,
and they married after only two months.
Then she died under
mysterious circumstances
when her zip-lining harness
"gave out" on their honeymoon.
Boom! Todd Fox
inherited her whole fortune
and has been slowly draining it to buy
more exotic animals and build his brand.
The note was right.
It really looks like he murdered her.
You know what else? He hooked up with
me after the Christmas party last year,
even though he saw me throw up twice.
And I actually threw up five times.
You two have a real chance
to blindside him today.
He won't see it coming.
Not on Morning Mimosa!
And not from you.
Please, journalism was your dream,
and now it's mine.
Do it for all the kids
like me watching at home.
Wait. How old are you?
Because you look like you're 35.
No, we can't. Todd Fox is beloved.
It's career suicide.
I'm sorry, intern.
I never actually learned your name.
Charlie is right about us.
We can't do news anymore.
We changed.
And you will too when you grow up. More.
Okay, we should really get back.
I think it's been about eight
minutes of dead air out there.
Lionfish! Bike tire! Rabbit!
Fanny pack! Seal!
Shut up! That's the one I meant!
Cash in those dusty old pantsuits
for something that shows a little more leg.
And maybe a drink in your
hand to grease the wheels?
Todd Fox, I'm dying to know,
do any of your animals mate for life?
Oh, sure.
My shingleback lizards are a prime
And where do you stand
on that philosophy?
- I'm sorry?
- "Till death do you part."
What's your take on that?
Well, I'd say those shingleback
lizards never met my last wife.
And what about your first wife?
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
I made it clear to your producer
I don't talk about her.
Oh, come on!
The first woman to land Todd Fox.
I bet our audience would
love to know her secret.
She was the love of my life.
Speaking of love, I brought two
lovely little squirrel monkeys today
and one of them can
actually read and write!
The other one, well,
he just isn't getting it.
So it wasn't her money?
Hey, come on. Are we here to
talk about dead relationships
or see a squirrel monkey get
tangled up in Trish's hair?
Fascinating choice of words.
"Dead relationships."
Please don't do this.
Bring up the newspaper, please.
Is that her, Todd? She's gorgeous.
Oh, God, I've never even seen these.
Is that "the" moment?
You tell us. It was your honeymoon.
An heiress! Wow!
What happened to her money after that?
I took over the estate.
And how much do bald eagles cost?
All your animals must
have been a small fortune.
I don't think I like
what you're implying.
Then I'll stop implying and ask.
Todd Fox, did you murder your wife?
I didn't kill my wife!
Do you notice anything missing
from those pictures? It's me!
I didn't even make it to Costa Rica
because I got such severe
food poisoning on the layover,
I had to be hospitalized.
I slipped in and out of a
diarrhea coma for weeks.
I have the hospital records.
I'd never kill her.
I loved her.
This has Hayley written all over it.
- Oh, no.
- Boo!
Commercial! Throw to commercial!
Boo!
Well, that's our careers.
Good run, ladies.
I hope it was worth it.
Sir, please! It was all my fault.
Oh, it's your fault? Oh, fantastic!
I'll just go tell the network
that it wasn't Trish and Suze
who accused a national
treasure of murder on live TV!
It was you with your
hand up their asses!
It's not that bad, Charlie.
We can fix it after the break.
You think I'm letting
you go back out there?
You're done! I'm running
MacGyver the rest of the day.
Come on, did you guys give up
when Suze electrocuted Ryan
Reynolds with a car battery?
Did you call it quits when
Suze tricked Michelle Obama
into eating peanuts to see
if her allergy was fake?
It is always you, isn't it?
All we need is the fluffiest,
sweetest, bubbliest apology
segment you've ever done.
I've learned my lesson.
Screw journalism!
Put me in a bikini! Give me a mimosa!
Oh, God, that's actually really nice.
If we can get Todd Fox back out there,
she might be right.
But I'm warning you, stick to the cards!
Anything different,
and you'll be hosting another
Trish and Suze booze cruise
from Port Lewes to Santa Cruz.
Welcome back.
If you were around for our last segment,
you might assume we're
cooking up some crow.
Nope, Trish.
Today,
we're going to teach everyone at home
how to make apology sugar cookies
for our dear friend, Todd Fox.
But things could get interesting
because we'll be trying
to do it in sumo suits!
Can we at least take those down?
Of course. So sorry, Todd Fox.
Okay, now nothing says
"I'm sorry" better than butter
Hang on. Put it back up.
I know that fanny pack.
Holy [BLEEP]! It's Kristoff!
Back to commercial!
So the octopus was the fanny pack,
right?
And in the photo where she falls,
the fanny pack is gone! Look!
So what are we saying?
That Kristoff killed her?
The only way to prove it
is to force a confession.
We've gotta grill the octopus.
Are you sure you want to do this?
You could just back out now.
Go back to how things were.
- I honestly don't think I can.
- Me neither.
If we're gonna blow up our career, it
should be for something we're proud of.
Charlie, how long until we're back?
We're not going back on.
I'm not letting you hurt
America's sweetheart anymore.
Where's the one where MacGyver
blows up a plane? That's a good one.
We're back in ten!
I knocked out the board operator!
He was helping us!
Oh. Well, he's
Okay, he's bleeding pretty bad.
Kristoff, how long
have you known Todd Fox?
Kristoff's whole life,
but heart feels it has known him longer.
- Aw!
- Shh!
You'd do anything for him, wouldn't you?
Even kill?
What the hell?
Hayley, pull it up!
- That looks a lot like you, Kristoff.
- It really does.
But that's impossible.
You would have been
by Todd Fox's bedside.
Unless you had a more important
reason to follow Lisa.
Like motive.
- I
- Come on, Suze.
What are you suggesting?
That a dumb little octopus
can plan that far ahead?
Dumb? Is smuggling myself
into a foreign country
to commit the perfect murder
in the name of love dumb?
- Kristoff?
- Oh, come on, Todd.
You must have felt the energy
between us. We are electric together.
Lisa felt it. She wanted to separate us!
- It was her or me.
- I can't believe this.
You killed my wife,
deceived me all these years
The masks are off, my darling.
We can finally be together.
You're going to jail. The zoo?
Are all animals in the zoo criminals?
Look out!
I don't know which one is which!
- Why do you have a gun?
- I always have a gun!
Shoot us both!
What? Why shoot either of them?
That's my partner.
Ahh!
Sorry, Trish.
That was a whoopsie bullet.
Well, that's our time.
Join us tomorrow when we'll play
Flip-Cup Charades with Dame Helen Mirren.
See you tomorrow, America!
Ooh!
Seems like we're all over
the hump with this bug.
- I'm even a little hungry.
- Me too.
Too bad the only thing we have
to eat is that bad paella.
Eh, what the hell!
I'll take another swing with the paella.
- It'd be a shame to waste it.
- Me, too.
And besides, maybe I'm misremembering it
because it's been a minute,
but I don't even think we got that sick.
It's the paella!
Somebody dump out those Gatorades,
so we can use the bottles
for on-the-go paella.
To a great damn show.
You know what I still can't figure out?
Who wrote that note?
It was the monkey.
The monkey that can write did it.
That makes sense.
Wow, you really figured
everything out, Hayley Smith.
Yeah, Hayley,
you've got a job here anytime.
In fact,
I have a feeling a lot of things
are going to be
changing around here.
Morning, ladies.
How're we feeling?
It's talking to me!
Gross,
it looked you right in the face!
- But yesterday, you
- We what?
Got blackout drunk, had a great show,
and forgot everything that happened?
That's Morning Mimosa!, kid!
No way she's a kid. She looks 35.
Get out of here, old kid!
Have a great night!