American Dad s19e12 Episode Script

1
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
I had to put in a song
and it goes like ♪
Whoa-oh ♪
It's my week to host
the Langley Garden Club ♪
Whoa-oh ♪
I would kill myself if
I didn't have this club ♪
[LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SCREAMS]
- Ow!
- Oh, mama!
- You scared the hell out of me.
Sorry! I was just gonna ask
you to turn your music down.
Why?
I'm having my gardening club come over,
if you must know.
[MUSIC STOPS]
A gardening club?
I'm doing gardening right now!
This, drinking beers and a lawnmower,
is not gardening.
It is if you're not a pussy.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Is that your club? They fancy.
[ANGRILY] Don't worry about it!
Please, Francine,
stay away from my garden club.
I've never asked you
for anything before.
You just asked me to turn my music down.
Just leave my club alone!
[GROANS] I didn't roll out in time.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[ROGER] Ah!
[CHORUS] Good morning, USA ♪
[SIREN WAILING ON TV]
[TV TURNS OFF]
What's cracking, guys?
We can't agree on anything
to watch on Netflix,
mostly because everyone's
ideas are dog shit.
Says the girl who
wanted to watch Air Bud.
- You love Air Bud!
- I love Air Bud 3: World Pup.
I'm a Beethoven man myself.
[GROANS] Are you done, Stan?
Anyway.
Sounds like you guys are in a rut.
When I'm in a rut,
I like to do a little tea-bagging.
- Ew, Klaus!
- Not traditional teabagging.
I'm talking about the inspirational
quotes on my teabag tags.
Let's see what this one says.
"The power of positivity.
Everything in the world
began with a 'Yes'."
Oh, so good. I shouldn't have shared it.
Don't do that one.
Maybe we need a good tea-bagging.
I mean, being negative
isn't getting us anywhere.
I say we try being positive and
saying yes to everything starting now.
- I guess.
- Fine.
- Tea-bag me.
- Not one of you said yes.
Yes ♪
Can you guys believe Tuttle
has a gardening club?
- Yes!
- Go, Tuttle!
- Great news!
- [AIR HORN BLARES]
I'm surprised I even care,
but as soon as he said
I couldn't be part of it,
it's all I can think about.
[GROANS]
Look who it [BLEEP] is.
Clowns on parade.
Looking well, pretty good.
[GASPS] Is she wearing
a scarf as a belt?
And she's wearing a belt as a scarf?
Oh, I gotta get in this club!
Why are you still here?
- Yes!
- Get over there, Mom!
[AIR HORN BLARES]
- That's pretty loud.
- Yes!
Excuse me? Garden people, wait up!
Whoa!
[WHISTLES] Whoa!
Lady, with her titty out.
Are you in Tuttle's Garden Club?
Who?
This is the Langley Falls Garden Club.
- It's run by the city.
- So anyone can join?
Anyone with 40 bucks
and a garden, I guess.
You apply online with
a photo of your garden.
Great!
But word to the wise,
make sure your garden looks good.
They're a tough audience.
You ever seen Mean Girls?
Well, they hate that movie.
And that movie is awesome!
I need a ride to Home Depot.
Who wants to drive me?
- I think Klaus should drive.
- What? Why?
[ALL] Yes!
Oh, man. I really
tea-bagged myself this time.
And we're here for light bulbs?
No, flower bulbs!
Dang, spicy burgs!
- Who's in?
- In.
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm not really into spice.
Maybe I'll try a bite.
And then eat the rest!
I don't think I've seen one Home
Depot employee since we walked in.
Oh, they've hidden themselves
throughout the store.
They hate helping customers.
[BOTH GIGGLING AND SHUSHING]
- He's cute.
- Put it in the cart.
Put it in the cart.
Put it in the cart.
[GRUNTS]
[ROGER] Can I get some
goddang help in aisle 16?
[KLAUS] Hey, Roger.
Mike Madonia. Like "begonia,"
but I don't smell like one.
[LAUGHS]
I work in manure.
I'm The Rototiller Man.
Rototiller Man?
You mean like a guy
who turns the dirt over
- so you can plant stuff?
- Turn the dirt over?
Oh, yeah, I guess that's exactly it.
But I go deeper than
anyone in the business.
Most only go eight to ten inches
deep before they turn it over,
but I go 16 inches.
And then, and only then,
do I turn it over.
- Um, no, thanks.
- [ROGER] Just in case.
Just in case.
Just in case. Just in case.
Just in case.
Saying yes to things fricking rules.
We're relaxing in the sun,
eating spicy burgers.
All on a porch that can be snapped
together in less than 90 minutes.
You know,
I could live on a porch like this.
Hey, who wants to live on this porch?
- Me.
- I do.
Ugh. So spicy.
- "Mike Madonia?"
- [ROGER] Just in case.
Klaus, where should I put this?
I'm thinking middle.
Yeah, no duh in the middle.
[GRUNTS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
I will be notified? But when?
- [MESSAGE ALERT PLAYS]
- Oh, right now.
I'm so happy for you!
Now let's reward ourselves with a
sneak peek at Steve's browser history.
[BOTH] Ugh!
[MESSAGE ALERT PLAYS]
Oh, there's something new in my inbox.
Now all I need is
something poo in my outbox.
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
-
Bathroom computer time
officially ruined.
- Great party, am I right?
- That's pretty.
[FRANCINE LAUGHS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, Tuttle, check it out.
You can find me in da club ♪
What the hell are you doing?
Looks like Cherry Street's
got two competitors
in the Home Depot Garden
Competition this year, Al.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I don't think so.
You see this twig, Francine?
This twig is me.
And you're bending me.
Keep bending and I'm gonna snap.
Al, what are you doing
to that twig, you weirdo?
Hey, Sandy said you might enter
the Home Depot Competition?
Get this, it's hosted
by Kyra Sedgwick this year!
The winner gets a plaque and
a $1,000 Home Depot gift card.
Ooh, I could do a lot
back here with $1,000.
No, this isn't a garden!
It's a football goose and a sunflower.
We would be a laughingstock
if this this thing,
this abomination was even entered!
This club has standards! Scones!
Scones at my house.
[ALL CHANTING] Scones!
These ladies love scones,
but you'll never know that.
But now I do know that.
You almost made me forget my twig.
All I wanted to do was
be part of the club,
and Tuttle made me look like a fool!
- [GRUNTS]
- Aww.
Don't roundhouse the goose.
He's an innocent.
Klaus, look.
Roger's a gardening genius this week!
If he can save my garden,
I can win the Home Depot competition
and put Tuttle in his place.
Are you sure you want to
involve a Roger persona?
I have to. I mean,
they left me for scones, Klaus.
Ugh, the the worst pastry of all,
so dry.
- [LINE RINGING]
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
[ROGER] God damn it! Where's my phone?
- [CLATTERING]
- Argh! My [BLEEP] foot!
Son of a bitch! What in the world
did I step on, a Bugle?
[MUNCHING]
Oh. I'll be, it's an old Bugle.
My phone ringing?
[FRANCINE AND KLAUS] Yes.
Oh, hey, guys.
Who you calling, Francine?
She's calling Rototiller Man.
Oh, Mike Madonia? Be right down.
[TILLER ENGINE REVVING]
Get on! Get on! Get on!
I can't stop this thing!
Hey, babe,
have you seen my dad or Steve lately?
They went inside to use the bathroom,
but I think customers
keep asking them for help.
And they keep saying yes. Nice.
Roger, slow down! We're here!
[ENGINE REVS]
I like to really hammer the
accelerator in the lumber section.
Smoke out all the rats.
[ALL COUGHING]
Plus, we're not going
to regular Home Depot.
We're going into the secret section
that only professionals can get into.
Aisle nine and three quarters.
Roger, this isn't an aisle.
We're out in the woods.
Yeah, that was a nearly
impossible-to-get Harry Potter joke.
I was just trying to prepare you
for the magical nature of
what you're about to see.
- Feed me!
- Eat me!
Hey, isn't that the plant
from that musical?
Yeah, but we don't mess
with anything back here,
except the lady selling worms.
Hey, Madonia, what can I do you for?
Let's get a stack of Delaware Diggers
and a case of West Texas Jumbos.
So how come you like worms so much?
Well, sometimes I worry
that one of the worms
crawled in my ear and is now
controlling my brain. [CHUCKLES]
[ROBOTICALLY] But that did not happen.
Worms are cool and control nothing.
You're taking the guard off?
You sure that's safe?
I'm sure it's unsafe,
but you know what they say,
"Safety last, deepness first."
It's also how the world's
largest rototiller is.
Actually, I'm thinking about upgrading.
- [FRANCINE] Wow. Big.
- Yeah. World's largest.
I'm gonna go check it out as soon
as I'm done here fixing your life.
[LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Steal away ♪
[SCREAMING]
The weakest one ♪
[ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]
Snap.
Mr. Madonia!
I thought you'd be on your way to
see that big-ass rototiller by now.
I am. But I wanted to swing
by and give you this first.
Just a little something for good
luck in the competition tomorrow.
For me? I feel like I owe you.
Oh, you do. You owe me $67,000.
What? Let me see that.
Kidding. This is just a
blank piece of paper I found.
I'll find a use for it.
Oh, please open the gift immediately.
It's a live animal
I had professionally gift-wrapped
at the mall yesterday.
Oh, my!
[HONKING]
Ooh, he fancy.
Where'd he go?
[ROGER] I told you
I'd find a use for it.
Francine, come quick!
Your garden!
[ENGINE REVVING]
[BRAKES SCREECH]
Good luck in the competition
tomorrow, Franny.
This is bad. We should just
kill ourselves in the woods.
The woods!
Francine, I was only kidding.
At least you still got the goose!
[GOOSE HONKS]
[GROANS] He got the goose.
- Mom?
- No time!
She must have seen our deal on flooring.
My fingers are pure callus
from cutting keys all day.
Well, not to one-up you,
but I basically cut off
my hand on the table saw.
Luckily, there was a staple gun nearby.
You win this round, Dad.
What is this crap?
It's steroid fertilizer
from the black market
section of Home Depot.
Whoa.
- This seems like cheating, Francine.
- You can say that again.
But not when the judges are here, okay?
[HONKING]
Hurray! Our fancy-ass goose is back.
Great. [SIGHS]
Let's catch some z's before
the competition starts.
[RUMBLING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[LOUD BELCH]
[CUP SHATTERS]
Klaus!
Maybe we went too heavy
on the fertilizer.
Um Klaus, your tail.
- [GASPS]
- Do you feel okay?
Oh, ho-ho!
I feel juicy as hell.
Let me get a quick snap for Danuta.
She's gonna wanna see my beedonk.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
I don't know, Klaus.
Something feels very wrong.
I mean, look at the big hole!
Maybe it is a little bigger,
but I guess it had to be.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Memphis Stormfront here
with Kyra Sedgwick,
kicking off the Home Depot
Garden competition.
Kyra, you're an amazing actress,
so you must get asked this a lot.
Where's your more-famous husband?
He's right there.
[STRUMMING GUITAR]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
That's Kevin Bacon!
Yeah, I know.
Should I go over to him,
or would that be weird?
- That'd be weird.
- Because he's so private.
Because we're on live TV and this is
a garden competition that I'm hosting.
I'm sorry. Opportunities like this,
they just don't
[RUMBLING]
Oh, my God, my heart's beating so fast!
- [ROARS]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Graboids. That's what the worms
in the movie Tremors are called.
[GRUNTS]
These monsters respond to
loud noises and vibrations!
Everyone on their roofs!
Like in the movie Tremors!
[WOMAN] But I haven't seen that movie!
Oh, God, I hadn't even
considered that possibility.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
For anybody out there who hasn't seen
the movie Tremors, it's on Pluto TV.
Now I'll warn you, there are some ads,
but it's worth it.
It's the only movie I've ever been in
that teaches you how to get on a roof!
- [SCREAMS]
- Kevin!
Where? Did he come out of the car?
Oh, it's working, Klaus.
Everyone got Kevin
Bacon's final message.
Speaking of final message, I think Danuta
was eaten by one of your mutant worms
because she left my beedonk pic on read.
Oh, no,
what if I sent her to heaven horny?
[LEAF BLOWER REVS]
Tuttle! Cut the noise
and get on your roof!
Beat it, debris!
I've got a garden competition to win!
Kablooey! I'm blowing
the competition away. L-O-L!
We gotta save Tuttle.
There's no use being a hero, Francine.
Danuta is already dead.
[ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Help! My neighbor's gone crazy.
- What the heck was that?
- Quiet!
You saved me.
Shut up! No one is saved yet.
Those things are attracted
to noise and vibrations!
A-ha!
Then we're gonna Pied
Piper these mothers!
[YELLING LOUDLY]
[ENGINE REVVING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
- It's working.
- Great! Now what?
Lucky I knew what I wanted.
Some jerk knocked down your menu sign.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Go for Madonia.
Mike, you remember that giant
rototiller you showed me?
Why?
Has it already been reported stolen?
Oh, you're the best!
Rototill your ass to Chimdale!
I've got a huge job for ya!
[ROGER] Just in case.
[ENGINE REVVING]
It's Mike Madonia! Lead the
worms into the rototiller blades!
[GROWLING]
- Tuttle, what are you doing?
- I'm gonna jump it.
You can't jump that thing.
- Sure I can.
- [KLAUS] Whoa!
[WORMS SCREECHING]
I did it! Mike Madonia saved the day
[TIRES SCREECH]
- What were those things?
- Things?
Al, those worms were your fault.
- They were?
- Yes.
You wanted to keep me
out of your club so bad
that I had to use mutant
fertilizer to get back at you.
Well, that tracks.
It's just, the ladies in the club,
they like me.
They call me Cool Al.
I knew if you joined,
you'd tell them the truth.
That tracks.
I am a very truthful person.
But the truth is, you are cool.
And I can call you cool No.
What if I call you Big Al?
I'd like that.
Guys, Danuta replied to my butt selfie.
She said she's reporting
me to Boost Mobile!
The game begins.
- Kyra, I am so sorry for your loss.
- [SOBBING] Thank you.
But I can't let you leave without
awarding the plaque to someone.
Is this is a joke?
It's not, no. You gotta do it.
Them's the rules.
Here.
Oh, sick. Check it out, guys.
Our positivity paid off.
Oh. Don't forget the gift card.
[TEARFULLY] Here.
Hey, you're that actress who
married Kevin Bacon. What's he like?
[SOBBING] He's He's dead!
Well, what was he like?
[BRAKES SQUEAKING]
[SOBBING]
- Hey, babe.
- [GASPS]
- Kev, you're alive?
- Hell, yeah.
Our love is too strong for
some monstrous killer worm.
Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're back.
You're never getting rid of me, babe.
[SCREAMING]
Bye! Have a good time!