American Dad s19e13 Episode Script

1
[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]
So what's new with everyone?
[MURMURING]
C'mon, people! What's goin' on?
I'm settin' out
on America's most iconic drive.
Historic Route 69!
That's right, not Route 66,
Route 69! Why?
I anticipate a sexy trip,
'cause 69's a sexy number
and I also think it could be funny,
'cause well 69.
So yeah, that's what I'm up to.
Very cool, Rog.
See, now that's the kind
of sharing I want to hear,
but from the core family.
- Steve?
- What.
I noticed doing laundry yesterday
that you got a new T-shirt.
You want to tell us
about your new T-shirt?
Do people really want to
hear about my new T-shirt?
Yeah, family people.
Honestly, the effort required
to get you up to speed
I just I don't have gas in
the tank for that right now.
Stan, back me up.
Don't you want to know what's
going on with your son?
I'm glad Steve ices me out.
Lets me stay hyper-focused
on my own stuff.
Steve, just tell me
where you got the shirt.
Oh, my God, it's a T-shirt, Mother.
- It's nothing.
- Yeah, it was nothing.
Now it kind of feels like everything.
Hayley, what the hell is so
interesting on that phone of yours?
Nothing.
All I'm looking for is a
little glimpse into your lives,
and you're shutting me out!
You're all shutting me out!
[DOOR SLAMS]
I'll be on the driveway!
Did I miss the start of dinner?
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Have you been here all night?
Yeah. I'm good now. Calm.
Okay. Well, have a great day!
Wait, Stan, how 'bout I give you a ride?
We could talk. Connect.
Stan, we doin' this?
My banana's startin' to brown.
And when Gelatine
Lychee's banana browns,
her heart wears a little frown.
Sorry, Fran
Just get the [BLEEP] out of here then!
[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL]
What's going on, Tuttle?
I'm I'm eating corn pops?
More. Go deep with me, Al.
Uh, I I did just find out
my Aunt Della died
Della died?
- You knew Della?
- I loved Della.
I met her at your Hot
Dog Barbecue last year.
By the condiments.
We were both waiting on mustard.
We discussed mustards.
She did like mustards.
- So when's the funeral?
- Today.
It's in Tennessee,
it's a seven-hour drive.
I'm not going.
Why didn't you tell me?
Della and I had a connection.
I should be there for her for me.
I'm going.
Oh, please don't.
You're gonna make me look bad!
Don't worry.
I'll tell them you were busy
with a big bowl of cereal.
Oh, thank you.
Guess what? I'm headed to
Della Tuttle's funeral in Knoxville!
- Who?
- Tuttle's aunt.
I met her at his Hot Dog
Barbecue a few years ago.
I'll probably be gone three, four days.
I'm not far. I could scoop you
if you want to road trip it.
- Bond it up?
- I can't. I'm in science class.
Ah, science class.
How much has science class
taught you about Route 69?
One clarification,
I'm now driving State Route 69.
Turns out U-S Route 69 is like
a far drive, and I hate driving.
But yeah,
it should still be an awesome drive.
[SOBBING]
Should Della have let that
chimpanzee sleep in her bed?
No. But what choice did she
have with a heart that big?
The very heart that chimp tore
right out of her chest as she slept.
But then again,
what choice did the chimp have
with an appetite that big?
Oh, Della!
[SOBS]
How did you say you knew Della?
We connected deeply
at a hot dog barbecue.
Were you also close? Like we were?
I'm her sister.
She never mentioned a sister,
only mustard.
Can I stay with you for the weekend?
Until we process each other's grief?
No, Della really wanted
everyone to just go
their separate ways and not be weird.
But thank you for coming!
What am I doing?
Della Tuttle? I met her once.
God, I'm such an idiot.
What was I thinking? Route 69?
It's not sexy, it's just stupid.
And it's not an isolated incident.
This is who you are, Roger.
A stupid guy doin' stupid stuff.
[ENGINE SPUTTERS]
Stupid car.
Out of stupid gas.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[THUD, TIRES SQUEAL]
That was stupid, too.
Roger?
Oh, hey, Franny.
I'm worried about leaving my car,
Francine.
It's a '69 LeBaron.
One of the funniest cars ever made.
I could use a map. A map of my emotions.
Roger, how would you feel if we hid
out at a motel for a few nights?
[ROGER] Reborn maybe? Or suicidal.
I don't know, let's just try it.
[ENGINE BACKFIRES]
Nice backfire.
Your car's pretty funny, too, Francine.
Oh. No vacancy.
Probably best. We should just go home.
Oh! Guess it's our lucky day.
[ROGER] FYI, I packed my baseball
mitt if you want to have a catch.
- [BELL DINGS]
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Oh, nice.
Looks like we got an
honor system situation.
Weird. Never seen that before.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
That's nice.
A little chair, a little table,
whatever you need.
- [LINE RINGING]
- [STAN] Ooh! Leave a message!
- [BEEP]
- Hey, honey, just wanted to
let you know I'll be
at the funeral a while,
you know, connecting.
So yeah, I know what I'm doing here,
and I'm definitely not
just drifting around,
like a lonely piece of trash.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- [SIGHS]
[GASPS] Hey!
I know you're up there, ya creep!
If we're about to fight someone,
I should change into my Doc Martens.
Don't come up here! Don't you dare
[GROANS]
- Oh, God!
- Get out of my way.
He must have something good.
Oh, my God. You got to come up here!
Is he okay?
[ROGER] Oh, no, he's dead.
But what I want you to see is
everywhere else!
Clean sight lines into every guest room.
Soundproofed catwalks.
3/4 inch shag, easy on the eyes,
easy on the knees!
Francine, what we have here
is an elite peep space.
Oh, my God. This is disgusting.
One can admire the engineering
without condoning the acts, Francine.
[SWITCH CLICKING]
That perv used this switch
to funnel in hotties like me!
I'm calling the cops.
This place has to be shut down.
Totally. But have you ever seen
a bald man blow dry his bald head
as if he had full, lustrous hair?
It's absolutely heartbreaking.
Oh, wow, now he's pretending
his comb's stuck in his imaginary hair.
Roger that's an invasion of priva
Oh, wow, look at that.
- I will.
- Me too.
People are, like, fascinating.
That guy who lined up
his puppets on the bed,
then slept on the floor?
Yeah, and the guy
who got stuck buck naked
with his legs behind his head?
I didn't see him.
Yeah, I was kind of hogging that vent.
Oh, my God, the sun's coming up.
We've been peeping all night.
Eh, we discovered the peep Taj Mahal,
we got lost in the sauce.
Right, yes.
We got carried away, but this is not us.
This is not who we are.
We're the good guys.
We're the guys who call the cops.
As soon as they open.
Yeah, it's 5:00 a.m. Cops are closed.
I think this is responsible.
A little sleep, then we make the call.
And if a guest needs ice,
there's still space between his legs!
- Calling the cops?
- Calling the cops.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Our prints are all over the attic.
Of course! But what does it mean?
It's a crime scene,
and we were peepin', too.
We got to wipe it down,
cover our tracks.
Good call.
We slipped up, but we're not creeps.
We don't deserve to get
painted with the creep brush.
The peep brush.
Roger, we moved the body.
We tampered with the crime scene
Right. So we move him back.
Then call the cops.
They're here before you can say "69,"
and it's bye bye Clearview.
Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy,
what's-Adidas-gonna do with-all-those-Yeezys?
Real question, by the way.
What are they gonna do
with all that inventory?
[GRUNTING]
[BELL DINGS]
Hello?
- Hello.
- Hi. We wanted to check in?
[FRANCINE] Tell them to go away.
But they're hot!
Put 'em in two.
Whew. I did not expect that.
Yeah, all they did was sleep.
And I was totally into it.
Their sleep positions were amazing.
It could've been a mattress commercial.
They made the bed look expensive.
But Roger
I know. We can't keep doing this.
We can't!
And let me just say, it's not like us.
It isn't like us!
So let's do something about it, yeah?
Yes. It's time. Let's end this.
- Peeping is good.
- Peepers are good.
This old man wasn't a creep.
He was a researcher.
A visionary.
In search of connections.
Can you imagine if we
had called the cops?
They would've torn this place to shreds!
- This beautiful place.
- We're doing a good thing.
We're protecting a legacy.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Welp, that's done.
So what do you feel like doing now?
This is what I came for.
This is what Route 69's all about.
Happiest I've been in weeks.
Weeks? Try even more weeks.
Less than a month, though.
Nice! I'm watching a guy
cover his bed in hand towels.
God, why can't I have this kind
of relationship with my family?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
One way or another
I'm gonna find ya ♪
I'm gonna get ya get ya,
get ya, get ya ♪
One way or another
I'm gonna win ya ♪
I'm gonna get ya,
get ya, get ya, get ya ♪
[BUBBLING]
I'm concerned, Franny.
I think it's okay. She watched
a YouTube video beforehand.
I mean you.
You haven't left the attic in days.
I hate to say it,
but you have no peep-life balance.
- What's up with you?
- Me? I'm good.
Swimming a lot.
Only bummer is I haven't
seen anyone 69ing.
And I picked up a pretty nasty
infection from the pool water.
Yeah, that's weird.
Why don't ya take a break,
drive into town with me?
I'm gonna grab a coffee, maybe some
Visine for my overworked peepers.
Sure. Just one second.
If you want to plan a sexy trip ♪
Drop to your knees and
get ready for my tip ♪
You'll feel fine on Route 69! ♪
Yeah!
Goodbye? Not goodbye for me, though,
'cause here's the exit
for the Clearview!
Little weird. Won't over-think it.
Just gonna go back and exit properly.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Did Did that sign change?
Did you see all the
brochures in the lobby?
Oh, dang,
five percent off this ghost tour?
Sounds like a ghost bore.
More like a ghost snore.
More like a ghost snore.
[LAUGHTER]
There's something about this family
that looks just like my family,
that reminds me of my family.
Roger, I think I'm ready to go home.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
- [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
-
Where am I?
Ninth time's the charm, baby.
Wha-blam!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Holy shit!
Whoa.
My butt is way over there.
[FRANCINE] Ya got Franny,
leave a message.
Hey, Franny, Rog,
quick update on a few challenges here.
Had to buy Kroger brand eye drops.
Town's got zero Visine anywhere.
And I think we got
an evil motel situation.
Seems to be using dark magic
to keep me from getting back to you.
How are things on your end?
Hopefully just normal.
Alright, I better focus up.
I'm 'bout to bust a move.
- [TIRES SQUEAL]
- Off-road!
Oh, I'm right off a cliff.
Free-fallin'.
Good news is I'm in the LeBaron.
This baby's built like a tank,
so I think I could survive
[CRASH]
[EERIE AMBIANCE]
[DOOR CREAKS]
[EERIE AMBIANCE]
What is this?
[STAN] No, no, no,
that's not how you eat a sandwich, Jeff.
Stan?
You eat it from the side. Like so.
Mm. Mm.
Oh, Stan!
[SHADES CLANGING]
It's the whole family!
And they're letting me in.
You're letting me in!
Oh, thank you, large owl.
[WHOOSHING]
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
We're all together again.
[EERIE AMBIANCE]
Almost perfect.
That's my Hayley.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no!
My Laser Rats jersey was razzmatazz red.
Now it looks freakin' gooseberry!
I'll be laughed out of the Rat Hive!
Mmm.
That little shit!
Let me get a hit of that, Rogu.
That's the good stuff.
Nice and chalky, the way I like.
Jesus, Jeff.
Oh, Steve!
And he's wearing the new T-shirt.
Nice new shirt, Steve.
But where's it from?
Where'd you get it?
Yes!
Here comes Mama's information!
- [STEVE] Amazon.
- Got him!
Amazon.
They have the best prices.
Great company.
Wait, "great company"?
Steve hates big tech.
He's always moaning about buying local.
This feels off.
I don't believe you.
You're lying. Tell me the truth!
[WHIRRING, WIND RUSHING]
She said she was stickin'
around that funeral,
but I just got off
the phone with Tuttle,
and he says she embarrassed
herself and left.
This is all because
you wouldn't tell Mom
where you got that dumb T-shirt, Steve.
Oh, please,
you can't blame this all on me!
What about Klaus?
Me? I wasn't even there.
Maybe you should've been!
What's going on? What is this place?
[MOANING]
Hello.
[SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
Aaah!
[GROANS]
[BOTH GASP]
I'm still a little confused.
So this place has been
cursed since caveman times.
But what do I have to do with it?
[CLANGING]
No, no!
I said I wanted
connection with my family,
not some eternal chain of perverts!
I never wanted to be here!
Roger, how would you feel if we hid
out at a motel for a few nights?
But I don't want this anymore.
I want out!
[CAR ENGINE BACKFIRES]
The backfire. My car!
Wait, is this happening now?
[ROGER] Nice backfire.
Your car's pretty funny, too, Francine.
No, Francine!
[FRANCINE] Oh. No vacancy.
Probably best. We should just go home.
Yes, Francine! Go home!
No!
Oh! Guess it's our lucky day.
Don't come up here!
Don't you dare!
Oh, I guess it's not.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
That bitch owes me.
I guess I felt disconnected.
I latched on to the funeral
like it could fix that
but no one even wanted me there,
and I just feel dumb.
You might not believe this,
but sometimes I feel dumb.
Mom, I should've just told
you where I got the T-shirt.
It's so stupid, I got it from
No. Don't tell me, Steve.
What you choose to share isn't up to me,
and I have to accept that.
Ditto for me, Steve.
I also don't give a shit.
Roger, how was your trip?
The Route 69 thing?
Super sexy,
big success from that perspective.
Was it funny?
Massively so.
Both guts and nuts were busted!
[CLANG]
New vent! Nice.
[CLANG]
Bye! Have a beautiful time!