American Dragon: Jake Long (2005) s02e08 Episode Script

Family Business

[Horns honking]
Smash cars.
Go big fun.
Ha ha ha.
Wowee, wow, wow, wow.
Can you believe pixie Lohan
had the nerve
to crash Katie nolmes'
baby shower?
I'll tell you,
magic week magazine
gets all the inside dirt.
So, you nervous about being
the next cover story?
You jokin'?
The am-drag got
the press he deserves.
[Horns honking]
You don't want
to take this mission on
mano y hobgoblano.
Fu, they don't do
cover stories on dudes
who need backup.
No autographs, boys.
From the newsstand
like everybody else.
Dude, watch the face.
I got a photo shoot
on Monday.
Pretty face go bye-bye.
Ha ha ha!
Gramps, what took
you so long?
Yo, g!
Yo, "h" is more like it.
He's cool, he's hot
like a frozen sun ♪
He's young and fast,
he's the chosen one ♪
we're not braggin' ♪
He's the American dragon ♪
He's gonna stop
his enemies ♪
With his dragon power ♪
Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
A real live wire ♪
American dragon ♪
He's the American dragon ♪
His skills are
gettin' faster ♪
With grandpa,
the master ♪
His destiny
will walk up sheets ♪
It's showtime, baby,
for the legacy ♪
American dragon ♪
I'm the magical protector
from the N.Y.C. ♪
American dragon ♪
What are you doing?
Haley, prepare to fight.
Remember, let
your instincts guide you.
Who is that?
Use what you know.
Round off.
Huh! Huh!
Balance beam.
Huh! Ha! Yah!
I did it.
My first dragon battle,
and I did great.
How do I do it?
Jake, do you need help?
Help? As if.
Ok, who are you?
I am
the Korean dragon,
but you know me
As San park.
Whoa, what?
But you're
my home ec teacher.
Sam spark,
magic wemagazine.
I thought I'd grab
some ho-hum candids,
my editor's going
to love how candid these are.
Oh, the press.
My name's Haley,
spelled h-a-l-e--
Yeah, kid. Great.
You're in my shot.
Ok, hold up.
I'm standing here
in my underwear,
my little sister,
and my home ec
This can't be real.
Oh, I get it.
This is one of those
stress dreams.
I'm totally
I love it
when you realize
you're in the middle
of a dream,
you can do whatever
you want to.
Was sup, sunshine?
Oh, come on,
y'all, raise
the roof ♪
Shake what
ya daddy gave ya ♪
Shake it like it
just might save ya ♪
Can I get
a whoop whoop? ♪
Well, what
about a hey, ho ♪
Ha. This isn't
a dream, is it?
Already you take her
into battle?
What were you thinking?
If Haley is
to be Jake's backup,
she needs to be prepared.
It's ok, grandpa.
I know how Jake
always complains
about how hard it is
to be the American dragon,
but it seemed
pretty easy to me.
San, since you
appear to be rusty
on training basics,
Jake and I will join you
for a refresher course,
tomorrow afternoon.
Why is Haley being
trained when she's only
8 years old?
Haley became aware
of her dragon powers
at a younger age.
So, she must be trained
at a younger age.
But why didn't
anyone tell me?
Kid, Haley's
your achilles heal.
So, we were
sorta waitin'
for the right time.
Waiting for her
to show you up.
Show this up?
Yeah, right.
[Bad piano playing]
[Good piano playing]
Ah! Breakfast in bed?
How thoughtful.
Ok, she's
my achilles heal.
So, does she have to start
training this week?
I don't know
if you remember,
but I got press yo.
Because I remember
fondly my own years
as a magical pin-up boy.
It would not
interfere with your work
as the American dragon.
Ok, it won't.
At least tonight
can't get any worse.
[Knock on door]
Ok, it just did.
Oh, you old dog you.
Uh, hello.
freaked out here.
Jake, I want you
to meet my old buddy,
ha, probably
the best practical joker
this side of Hades.
Pull my finger, go on.
Aah! Ha ha!
Didn't expect that,
did ya?
[Laughing, coughing]
This guy slays me.
I hate to tell
you this, but I'm not
here on a social visit.
Huh? But Marty,
there's so much
I haven't seen.
The great barrier reef,
the grand canal
of venice,
the so-so taco shack
of opiniac.
Kidding, kidding.
Oh, Marty.
'Cause it's getting
a little hot in here,
Anywho, I'm renovating
my condo in Tribeca,
mind if I crash here
for a few days?
And kid, my finger?
I knew there was something
weird about San.
She tried to get me
to put alfalfa sprouts
in a grilled
cheese sandwich.
No one pushes sprouts
like that
a secret to hide.
It's not San
I'm worried about.
Then, what are
you trippin' about?
Being the American
dragon's always
been my thing,
and everything else
in the world has always
been Haley's thing,
so why does she have
to get all overachiever
on the one thing
I'm good at?
Jake, can you
really picture
miss thang doin'
dragon training?
You're right.
Haley's going
to catch a whiff
of the drag-train
and be all,
"sorry, I don't
think so."
Yeah, I can't wait
to see the first time
she gets yelled at
by her dragon master.
Before we start, Haley
Gramps, Haley's
going to have to do
the same exercises
I do, right?
To interpret
them in any way
she seems fit.
We will begin with
a trust exercise.
Below is the puss
of 1,000 witches' boils,
but of course,
I will catch you.
That was fun.
Whatever brings you joy,
little butterfly.
Just remember, I will
always be here for you.
Uh! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! My tongue!
Ruined, forever!
Ah, the lesson,
of course, is
to trust no one.
Ah, ah, ah.
Big smile for the camera.
strength training.
That we hold up
the magical community
that lives around us.
Physical strength fades as
the twilight grows longer,
but inner strength will
never leave you.
Ah! Ah!
That's her
strength exercise?
Ha, this is nothing.
Come on, gramps, give me
all the tests you got.
Here I come!
Hey, Jake, could
you pull your head out
of the giant's mouth?
That we engage in charity
work for magical creatures.
Oh, Bertha, where you been
ridin' the trough, girl?
Stop and stomp.
Don't be silly.
Of course the pixie boys
like you.
You've got
a winning personality.
Ok, looks like you've
got a rotten tooth.
This is gonna
hurt a little.
Sam, you wanna get
a picture--
That's it.
Work the camera.
Own it.
How about
a profile shot?
Yoo-hoo, Marty?
Gotcha! Huh?
Whoa! Sorry about that.
Sausage roll.
Looks good on the menu,
but don't do it.
Please, the old
whoopie cushion gag?
Fu, you do not want
to mess with the master.
Hey, kid.
Sam, need a hero shot?
Want my good side
or my good side?
I sent my pictures
back to my editors,
and they loved them.
What they loved,
is Haley.
So, she's going
to be on the cover.
Instead of you,
but they love it.
That's great, right?
Haley, instead of me?
That's--the greatest.
So, what do we got here?
An ogre has stolen
the ancient golden pendant
of the leprechaun clan.
The leprechauns will
declare war on the ogres.
Yeah, we're going
with a cute angle
for Haley's spread,
so if we could skip
the ogres and wars
and focus
on something like,
Haley saving a gnome
stuck in a tree,
that'd be great.
This is important
dragon work,
not some teenybopper
photo opportunity.
Jake, you will take your
sister on this patrol.
Why does she need me?
She's the cover girl.
Jake, your sister is
not ready to go alone.
She is your
Was there something specific
I ask because I think
it's important to learn
from your mistakes,
but since I don't make any,
I try to learn from Jake's.
Your mistake
was picking Haley.
Watch and learn how
the real am-drag
does business.
Dragon up.
Hey, Sam, what makes
the best photo op?
"A" --a slippity
slapdown shake,
"b" --
a box of kung-fu, bone
crackin'-lackin' crackers,
"c" -- a blast
of hot-tamale,
hot breath hot sauce,
or "d" --
All of the above, baby.
But I'm gonna try something
a little bit different, k?
Dragon up!
My, that is the handsomest
pendant I've ever seen,
and you wear it so well.
Don't make me look
fat in back?
Would you mind
if I got a closer look?
Thank you.
That necklace is
mine, mine, mine!
I got it ♪
Did you want
a picture of that?
You betcha, little lady.
That's it, just like that.
Oh, perfect.
Haley, you are a star.
See ya, kid.
Off to yoga.
Huh? Who's the man?
Say what?
Aw, that just doesn't
sound right.
Hey, what the
And I'm gonna find
a prank that'll get
Marty once and for all.
Magical prank shop.
Uh, why are we here exactly?
Because Haley stole my spot
on the cover magic week.
It's time for
a little payback.
Hey, look at those teeth.
Anyway, you sure
you wanna prank Haley?
Just one teensy,
harmless prank
to make up for years
of her making
a fool out of me.
Ooh, this has possibilities.
Fu, I don't mean to bust
your bubble or anything,
but Marty is
the grim reaper.
Yeah, but he hasn't
always been.
That guy had one dead end
job after another.
[Beep] [Beep]
Then he landed
the gig as death,
but he had to tap out
the guy who was grim reaper
before him.
Oh. Yeah. This is going
to do the trick.
Ho ho ho ho!
Aah! Get away.
Ow! My tuckus.
"One pinch
of dragon giggles,
"and dragons lose control
of their powers.
Livens up any dragon party."
Or photo shoot.
Almost done, Haley.
Just a smidge more of powder,
and you'll be camera ready.
Ooh, those lights will
really dry your skin out.
Better hydrate.
Thanks, Jake,
for not being threatened
ok, Haley, one more
minute till camera.
Are you sure you still want
to go through with this?
Remember, little mister,
she is your little sister.
Maybe you're right.
Haley, there's
something I have to--
There's something
I have to tell you, too.
Well, I told my people
to ask their people
if they could put you
in the article, too,
and they said yes.
Look, they sent
me a mock-up.
So, what did you
have to say to me?
Bottom's up.
Ready, Haley?
But of course.
Let me see
your best dragon face.
What's going on?
Yeah, I was thinking more
of a mouth fire thing.
Ok, I'll just
Not exactly
what I had in mind.
I don't know what's
happening to me.
Aah! Ogre loose!
Run for your life!
Hobgoblins make pain.
Dragon pain.
Time to hobnob
with the hobgobs.
Get ready for your
close-up, hobby.
Haley, you doin'
ok over there?
Aah! Jake, I can't
control myself.
Hold on, Haley!
Don't be too hard
on him, Lao shi,
this isn't his fault.
Actually, it is.
Jake, there is
no time to waste.
You must tell us
what happened.
That made
her lose control
of her powers.
We got to go save her.
San and I will go.
You have done enough.
Stay here.
Fu, you have
to help me find her.
Uh, what part of
"stay here" did you
not understand? Huh?
The part where I
leave Haley out there
in the hands
of those hobgoblins!
Fu, this is all my
fault. I have to fix it.
Sheesh, is it too much
to ask you guys
to replace
the tp every once
in a blood red moon?
Uh, I hate to say it,
but Marty can help us.
Yeah, he knows
the location
of any soul in--
In mortal danger,
Yeah, that doesn't mean
I'm gonna get the call,
just professional courtesy,
so to speak.
I heard about your sister
20 minutes ago.
This'll tell you
where she is.
I hope you get to her
before I do. Good luck.
Thanks, buddy.
What? Is it getting hot
in here or--
All right.
Prank delivered.
Now, hand over the money.
Um, fu?
I hope you fight
better than you conjugate
sentences, hob Rob.
Oh, how am I supposed to
think of something snappy
to say when I'm
about to be slain?
You hobgoblins really
are dumb as bricks.
Ha! Yah!
I gotcha, Haley.
Break dragon.
Break it now.
Come on, sis, let's
show 'em what we can do.
But I can't.
Sure you can.
Take my tail.
Aah! Yah!
Express to painesville,
pulling into the station.
That's the hit
that keeps on hittin'.
You got skills, girl.
Thanks, Jake.
Now, there's something
we can agree on.
You put your sister
in harm's way.
I just wanted her
to know what it
was like to--
I have no excuse.
Haley shouldn't just
be taking my cover,
she should be
taking my job.
I don't deserve to be
the American dragon.
I guess it's just one
more thing she's better
at than me.
Actually, I'm not.
That powder you gave me
wore off in a couple
of minutes,
I was just so scared,
I couldn't remember
anything I learned.
But you're
the perfect dragon.
No one can be perfect
at everything.
Jake's just a better
dragon than I am.
Too inexperienced
for the kind of danger the
American dragon must face,
and you, young one,
are a very gifted dragon
who I would never replace
with anyone.
But that doesn't mean
you cannot be punished.
Yeah, so, about
the gifted dragon part?
Gramps, where do you
even get the puss of
1,000 witches' boils?
How is your dragon tongue
cleaning and talking
at the same time?
Balthasar, you are
a true prank artist.
I do what I love,
and I love what I do.
Now, where's the cash?
For the zine.
Beefcake city,
here I come.
And no one will
ever have to ask you
if you wear
boxers or briefs.
Huh? Oh, man.
Ok, you already saw one
of Marty's dead end jobs,
here's a few more
you didn't see.
There was Marty,
the cruise director.
Marty, the fitness instructor,
and my own personal favorite,
Marty, the chorus boy.
Who says the undead
don't got rhythm?
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