American Housewife (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

The Nap

1 Mom.
Mom.
Wake up.
- [Gasps.]
- I think I'm having a heart attack.
You're not having a heart attack.
My chest is pounding, and I'm slick from sweat classic coronary event symptoms.
I made a bad trade in my stock market club.
[Sighs.]
This is why bankers die at 40.
So you have 28 years until your first heart attack.
Go rest up for it.
[Sighs.]
[Snoring.]
Mama.
[Gasps.]
Sweetie, what's the matter? I had my dream again.
I was on the Titanic, just like in the movie, but I was in bed with the old couple.
Oh.
Get in here.
Taylor: Mom, I'm going for a run.
[Gasps.]
Taylor it's 5:30 in the morning! It's 6:25.
You mixed up the big hand and the little hand again.
'Cause it's dark in my room! Because it's 5:30! [Sighs.]
Just buy me a digital clock already! [Snoring.]
Katie: How did he sleep through all this? I'm gonna kill him! But then I'd have to take care of these animals by myself.
Damn it! Greg lives! You don't need to Purell your belly.
Oh, my little germaphobe.
At this point, she's more Purell than girl.
Yo, Scooby, your stock market club is getting a little too serious.
No more waking me up in the middle of the night with fake symptoms of a fake heart attack.
Can't help it, Mom.
It's this type of intensity that's gonna make me rich so I can afford things like matching plates.
First apartment.
Red Lobster.
Mom, I need you to sign this permission slip for basketball, and here's my revised soccer schedule.
You know, if you spent as much time on schoolwork as you did on sports, you'd be valedictorian.
I can guarantee you that's not true.
I feel great a full nine hours.
Who wants Kashi? [Computer chimes.]
Peter Felton sent you an e-mail? Huh.
My old job has opened up again.
Before he hires someone else, he wants to know if I'm interested.
Yes! I mean, you are, aren't you? No? Only if you want to.
Do you? Why don't you take the floor on this? Greg, you realize if I worked, we would have to hire someone to clean the house and watch the kids, so there'd only be, like, this much extra money.
No, we wouldn't have to hire someone to clean the house.
You could do it on Saturdays.
I retract that obviously.
I'll think about it.
He wants to know by the end of the day.
Can you drive Taylor to soccer this afternoon? Oh, I'd love to, but I have to go to campus to give a lecture.
[Sighs.]
Taylor! Oliver! In the car! Anna-Kat? Anna-Kat, it will sting if you put it there.
Mama, Oliver hit me in the nuts.
Sweetie, girls don't have nuts.
I'm pretty sure they do.
I didn't hit her.
I gave her her water bottle.
Yeah, and you slammed it hard right in my nuts.
Okay, I'm too tired for this.
Everybody out.
Mom, you're supposed to wait until we're at the front of the line.
Not today.
Out! You can't let them out here! They're on the sidewalk! I bet running over Crossing Guard Sandy would make a real satisfying "Tha-thunk!" sound.
Guys, I'm not even here.
I got to get groceries, buy Taylor a digital clock, track down a thousand brown sugar cubes for Anna-Kat's Great Wall of China.
Honestly, what is she going to learn by watching me build that thing? Okay, sit down a second.
[Sighs.]
What is going on? Staying at home with the kids is exhausting.
I know! Shut up.
You're a mother, and you stay at home, but you have a housekeeper, a nanny A house manager whatever that is.
She manages my house.
I never run out of anything.
I don't even know what running out of toilet paper feels like.
It feels like a coffee filter.
[Both laugh.]
Katie, look, you are a real stay-at-home mom, not like some of these other women in Westport like her.
I am not like them, okay? I'm way richer.
[Chuckles.]
And Celeste and I share custody three days on, four days off.
- Dirty little secret about divorce? - Mm-hmm.
Just when you want to slip your kids a Benadryl and leave them at the animal shelter, you get to give them back to your ex.
Ohh, I can't leave Greg.
Can I? Nah.
Nah.
No.
I just went over the school calendar.
My kids have 11 days of school in the entire month of November.
That's a straight-up war on women.
You know what else is a straight-up war on women? - That whole half-day thing.
- Mm.
Can Mama stay at home and watch "Unreal" on Lifetime - or not?! - Mm-hmm.
You know what you need, Katie? You need a break from being a mom.
- A break? - Yes! Do all that stuff tomorrow and do something for yourself today.
- You're right.
- I know.
I do need a break.
I'm gonna take a nap.
Oh! You never take naps.
I know! That's what's going to make this one so delicious.
Ooh! [Chuckles.]
Oh! Call your housekeeper now so she puts lavender underneath your pillow.
[Sighs.]
I'm sensing you guys are reaching maximum Doris.
Yeah.
But it's okay, because I'm taking a nap.
[Laughter.]
[Engine starts.]
Ugh! That's Oliver's lunch! The curse of a stay-at-home mom.
You know, if I had a job, I'd be at work, and everyone would be like, "Eh, she's at work.
" Man, I'd blame everything on work.
All right.
I'm in and out.
Mrs.
Otto! - You can't park there! - You don't need to acknowledge her.
- Just smile and keep going.
- Mrs.
Otto! Like when you're watching a movie with your parents - and people start doing it.
- Mrs.
Otto, I know you can hear me! I bet Sandy's never done it.
[Yawns.]
Can you please make sure this gets to Oliver Otto? Mrs.
Otto! Nurse Chapel.
[Chuckles.]
I really need the kids' vaccination dates.
- I've e-mailed you three times! - Mm-hmm.
Right.
The dates are right in my phone, right here.
This really should've been taken care of weeks ago.
I know, I've been ignoring many, many reminders.
If I had a job, I'd have my assistant do this.
I'd have my assistant do everything.
And he'd be cute.
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
Katie! Ugh! Skinny mommies in tight, white jeans.
Good for you.
We need to get your picture for the school newsletter.
Not now, Suzanne.
This is not what I look like.
[Scoffs.]
It pretty much is.
[Camera clicks.]
Chin up, Katie.
I have a double chin, so Try the other side.
Okay, well, it's on that side, too.
[Camera clicks.]
[Yawns.]
Mrs.
Otto! You are not supposed to park in the yellow! Do not make me write you up.
Write me up? Is it possible this woman is insane? How are you supposed to talk to an insane person? Okay, Sandy.
You're the boss.
[The Cranberries' "Dreams" plays.]
My nap is 5 feet away.
It's never quite as it seems - Hey.
- [Music distorts, fades.]
What are you doing here? I thought you were at work.
I think I'm getting sick.
What are you talking about? You were perfectly fine two hours ago.
Yeah, but when I got in the car, I started feeling clammy.
My throat is scratchy, and my tongue is big.
[Mumbling.]
I'm, like, very aware of my tongue.
I need sleep and my neti pot.
He's not even sick! He's man-sick.
You know what I call having a little cough and wanting to go back to bed? Every day of my life! Move over.
I'm taking a nap.
Oh, no, I totally forgot I'm supposed to be the Reading Rascal today in Anna-Kat's class! You signed up for that on purpose? What are you, an idiot? I can't go.
I might get her class sick.
You have to cover for me.
No.
No, Greg.
Mnh-mnh.
But Anna-Kat picked the book.
She's so excited.
It's about a cat.
I think you'll find it's got some really surprising turns.
Fine! But you should not be allowed to wear that T-shirt! If you were a real feminist, you would down some DayQuil and rally like a mommy would.
You know what? You're right.
I'm gonna take off this shirt.
[Scoffs.]
"Hunky Mama Cat and her kittens were on their way.
Hunky Mama Cat said, 'Where's Patches?'" Daddy does voices.
Daddy also gets nine hours of sleep a night.
"Hunky Mama Cat does every last thing for her kittens.
She feeds them, she plays with them, she licks them clean.
" Does she complain? No.
Mnh-mnh.
But she has every right to complain.
Yeah, I know it was her choice, but Hunky Mama Cat still wonders what the hell happened to her life.
You know, before she decided to spew kittens onto the planet, she had a great job.
She was North American sales director of Rollaboo Stroller Company.
Hunky Mama Cat? Mm-hmm.
Yes.
She was.
She got to wear high heels.
She got to fly in airplanes.
She even had the special golden corporate credit card.
And Peter, the president of the entire corporation, e-mailed Hunky Mama Cat and offered her her old job back! [Sighs.]
It was the best moment.
I mean, they want her so much that after 12 years, they're still coming after her.
And every morning, there's a box of pastries, and I don't know who brings them, and I don't care! [Laughs.]
It's okay.
My mom had a breakdown, too.
[Sighs.]
Screw it.
I'm napping here.
["Dreams" plays.]
And, oh, my dreams [Sighs.]
It's never quite as it seems 'Cause you're a dream to me [Music distorts, fades.]
[Seat whirs.]
I patrol vehicles for forgotten car-seat kids.
[Smacks lips.]
It's rare to find a drugged-out mommy.
I'm not drugged-out.
I deserve to be, but I'm not.
And button up down there! There are children within 100 yards.
Oh, how'd it go? I hate that evil witch, Sandy.
You mean beloved Crossing Guard Sandy? She carries stunned birds to the animal shelter.
She caught me with my pants unbuttoned, and now she thinks I'm a molester or something.
Why were your pants unbuttoned? Because I'm fat, Greg! I was sleeping in the car, and I unbuttoned myself, like a normal fat person.
Not like a pervert.
Scoot over.
I need to rest my eyes.
You were sleeping in the car? You know what you don't understand my life.
All I do all the time is think about other people you, the kids, especially Anna-Kat.
[Sighs heavily.]
At least you get a break.
- A break? - Mm-hmm.
I go to work.
You seem to forget that.
I work all day, and then I come home and continue to work by helping you with the kids.
- I don't get a break.
- Oh, please.
Work is a break.
You go to work, you have a lunch break, an afternoon break, a break room.
You have a whole room dedicated to breaks.
If work is a break, why don't you go back to work? - Maybe I will.
- Good.
- Don't think I won't.
- Fine.
I just want you to be happy.
Well, maybe I'll just go back to work and be happy! You realize I'm agreeing with you and your voice just keeps getting louder? It's 'cause I'm tired.
And I need a nap.
- [Telephone rings.]
- [Groans.]
That's the landline.
If someone is trying to sell me solar power again, I'm gonna go ape turd on them! - [Beep.]
- [Sighs.]
Take me off your list! Oh.
Really? Okay.
Somebody will be there.
No, thank you.
- [Beep.]
- What is it? Oliver got caught insider-trading in his stock-market club.
Is that even possible in a made-up club using pretend money? It's idiotic, but it's cheating.
He's suspended for the rest of the day.
You have to go pick him up.
I took a double dose of DayQuil.
So?! Well, I'm not good on uppers.
It has the opposite effect on me.
Up is down, down is up.
I keep thinking I'm smelling mangos.
Oh, Greg! Is there anything normal about you? I'm all jacked up, honey! It's not safe for anybody! Insider trading, Oliver? I used to have one goal in life to have a man-made stream in my yard.
Now I have a new one keep my only son out of white-collar prison.
White-collar prison isn't that bad.
Grant Windsor's dad was in for 16 months.
All he did was play squash and get super-ripped.
Which is why I'm going to make sure they put you in regular prison.
That is now my new goal in life, young man! Mrs.
Otto.
Nurse Chapel.
I thought it was strange that all of your children got their shots on their birthdays, so I troubled myself to put in a call to your pediatrician.
I think you know where this is headed.
I do.
Can we just get to it? You just can't make up vaccination dates and put them on official school documents.
I don't know, Mom.
I think that falls under mail fraud.
Good instincts, Oliver.
Aggravate me.
Anna-Kat needs a booster today.
You have to pull her out of class.
Now?! She could be teeming with disease.
Teeming with it! Okay.
Nurse Chapel, you are here.
I'm gonna need you here.
You let me walk around completely unprotected?! It's not a big deal.
It's an MMR booster.
That's measles, mumps, and rubella.
That's what I have.
I have all of that! You don't have any of that.
Hang on.
I forgot something.
There's no way I'm coming back here for just one kid.
I was right in the middle of practice.
You were supposed to be in the middle of math class.
You said I could miss math today to practice basketball because now I have soccer after school.
When did I say that?! When you signed the permission slip this morning.
Ohh! I thought it was for something else.
I can't control what you think.
Ugh! [Gasps.]
What?! Sandy!! I can't.
I can't do it anymore.
I just can't.
I have a marketing degree from Duke! [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
The school gave you a boot? No, I bought it on eBay with some of my Christmas tips.
Thanks for the empty card, by the way.
[Scoffs.]
Just let me go.
I don't know who you think you are.
I don't know who I am, either.
What happened to me, Sandy? Look at you.
You've got a job.
You're in a position of authority.
You have a purpose.
Kind of.
And I have seen you sitting on your folding chair under the shade umbrella taking a nap.
You got it all.
A job, naps everything.
And I admire you.
How sad is that? And all I have is a car with three kids in it and a really bad smell that I cannot seems to locate.
I don't think it's me.
[Sniffs.]
It might be me.
When did this become my life? You're right, Crossing Guard Sandy.
[Smacks lips.]
I need to go back to work.
Next time I'll have you towed.
I open up to her, and this is what I get! You know what? I'm taking these cones.
Here.
Why did you only take four? Because the last thing that I need is 12 traffic cones garbaging up our garage for the rest of forever.
[Tires squeal.]
Seriously, Mom, this is ridiculous.
I'm missing basketball and soccer practice.
Stop breathing your germs! I'm completely defenseless! - [Exhales deeply.]
- [Screams.]
Mom, regarding these allegations, I just overheard a conversation at Grant Windsor's, and I made a few smart trades.
I don't want to hear it, Oliver! You don't know what happens in business.
You don't even have a job! [Tires screech.]
[Horns blare.]
Wh Wh Why did we pull over? What did you just say? I love you? Did you just say that I don't have a job? For your information, being a stay-at-home mom is my job! But apparently, today, I'm pretty crappy at it! But not anymore! Get out of the car! This is humiliating.
Good.
If you keep doing whatever it takes to get rich by cutting corners and breaking laws, this is where you're going to wind up cleaning up trash by the side of the road, like a common criminal.
Why do I have to do this? Because you're missing one booster shot.
You're not gonna die, and a little dirt never killed anybody.
Mama would never let that happen to you.
Don't touch that needle! Taylor: This isn't fair! Come on.
I want to pick up trash, too.
No! You stay in there and keep studying.
And you're only playing one sport, so you can concentrate on your schoolwork.
That stinks! Well, it's what I think, and you can't control it.
No after-school babysitter could parent my kids the way I do.
I'm not just looking after them.
I am trying to shape them into halfway-decent people.
There's an old sock next to the shrub.
I'm not touching that.
In prison, you'd be touching worse.
Besides, if some babysitter made my kids do this, I'd probably have them arrested.
John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died on July 4, 1826 the 50th anniversary of American independence.
They wrote How could you support me taking a job when raising our kids is so important? Katie, I'm Skyping with my students.
Can this wait? Oh, they're five grad students, and four of them are ladies.
- They need to hear this.
- Can you hold that thought Ladies, being a stay-at-home mom suuucks.
It does.
But I'm like one of those Navy SEALs they sent to kill Osama bin Laden.
They dodged the bullets and didn't get a lot of sleep, but they were convinced that they were doing the most important job in the world.
And being at home with my kids is the most important thing I could be doing right now.
But don't fool yourselves.
Being a working mom sucks, too just in a different way.
Guys, you've got it made.
My husband is working in bed right now, and he's not wearing any pants.
- Class dismissed.
- Oh, come on! They've met me! They know what you're dealing with.
[Whispering.]
These aren't my grad students.
This is History 101.
300 freshmen.
[Gasps.]
Go, Cardinals.
Why didn't you shut me up? You compared yourself with SEAL Team 6.
I was curious to see where it was going.
Besides, I didn't think you were gonna bring up I'm not wearing pants.
So, you're turning down the job? I'm turning down the job.
Anna-Kat: Mama! You were right! It stings bad! [Sighs.]
No, no, no, no, no.
You take your nap.
I'll take care of this.
Thank you.
[Sighs heavily.]
["Dreams" plays.]
- [Indistinct talking, clanking in distance.]
- And, oh, my dreams It's never quite as it seems 'Cause you're a dream to me [Greg moaning.]
[Moaning.]
No.
[Moaning.]
Would you rather have hair for teeth or teeth for hair? Hair for teeth.
No-brainer.
Smoothies for every meal.
Hey, what are you doing down here? I thought you needed a nap.
I do.
But I don't want to miss the fun parts.
And, Oliver, I don't want you to miss the fun parts, either.
I think it's time we let the stock market club go.
You need to be a kid.
I promise you can be a capitalist pig when you grow up.
Thanks, Mom.
Can we eat? - Yeah.
[Chuckling.]
- [Laughs.]
Whoo! Okay, let's review.
Being a stay-at-home mom does suck.
And it's really important.
But also, it can be the best thing in the world.
So yeah.
This is what I would rather.
[Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
Whoever it is, leave now.
I just need to brush my teeth.
Anna-Kat! Mom, Crossing Guard Sandy just dropped off a written warning for you.
Let me file that right here.
[Splash.]
Not looking.
Not looking.
Guys! We are not a naked family! Nice picture of you in the school newsletter.
Ugh.
Another one for the tub.
Now, everybody, get - Sorry.
- Greg?! I'm trying to balance out four DayQuil, two NyQuil, and a Pepto-Bismol.
I'm really chasing the dragon here.
Get out! Get out! [Screaming.]
Get out! Get out! Get out! [Door slams.]
[Sighs deeply.]