American Housewife (2016) s01e12 Episode Script


1 Where'd you get those sunglasses? It was in a swag bag at Jack's birthday party.
Tom Ford.
I think the ones I bought you at the car wash frame your face better.
It was awesome.
They turned Jack's backyard into a full-on amusement park.
Carnival games on the tennis court, a roller coaster on the putting green.
Yeah, we're not impressed by any of that, are we, Greg? I got a churro at pick-up! People are going all-out for their 13th birthdays.
Why don't we throw you a birthday party here? - You mean at our house? - Yeah! We're not having it here.
Why? Because our house isn't good enough for your fancy-ass friends? I would have been a little harsher on the house, a little gentler on my friends.
But, yeah, that's pretty much it.
Katie: Oliver, this house is perfect four walls, a roof, no one hits you.
What's your problem? Mom, this is Westport.
Surely there are other people who have a house like this.
They do, only it's out back and it's where they store their rakes and pool toys.
I'm just saying, I'd rather have no party than a party here.
This is on me.
I should have spaced out his vaccinations.
I just didn't want to keep driving back to the doctor.
Well, you know, if we have a party, you can invite Alice McCarthy.
Ooh! Taylor, worry about your own problems, like the grade you're pulling in English.
Don't listen to him.
This is just a ploy to get your attention off him and put it on me.
So it's not true about your grade? Uh He's embarrassed of you! All right! Everybody upstairs.
You're all officially terrible children! Never you.
Oliver is having a party here.
Katie, you can't force someone to have a party.
Sure you can.
You can surprise them with one.
You're throwing him a surprise party? Once he gets over the initial shock, he'll see that everybody's having fun and nobody gives a damn where he lives.
Then, we'll clear off the mantel for my Mother of the Year Award.
I don't think steam-rolling over your kid and ambushing him is a great idea.
I feel passionately, Greg.
I am gonna throw that kid a party so good, it's gonna knock the entitlement right out of him.
Ah, yes! A spiteful punishment party.
- Good times.
- Yeah.
Okay, but Oliver explicitly told you he doesn't want a birthday party? Yes, but I'm ignoring his wishes.
Well, as much as he needs a lesson, I'm with Oliver on this.
Westport kids expect a certain level of extravagance at their birthday parties.
Okay, so what should I do? Have you ever heard of an escape room? Angela! [Chuckling.]
Your after-dark activities have no place at a preteen birthday party! Stop.
An escape room is where you're all locked in a room, and you have to solve a series of puzzles using clues that lead to your escape before the time runs out.
[Inhales deeply.]
I love it! Cheap, and I can do it in my basement, just like the weddings both of my daughters are probably gonna get.
[Doorbell rings.]
Taylor, your tutor's here.
My what? I asked the school to send over a smart kid - to help you with your English.
- Mom! You're gonna thank me for this.
I'm too modest to mention it, but I'm up for Mother of the Year.
[Sour note plays.]
- Tara.
- Oh, Katie.
Didn't realize this was your house.
I didn't realize this was your son.
Katie: Ugh! Tara Summers.
She didn't invite Anna-Kat to her daughter's birthday, so I've dedicated my life to hating her.
Feels good to have a cause you believe in.
Hi, Eyo.
You two know each other? I'm the only Sudanese kid in Westport.
I'm hard to miss.
Come on in.
Here's your lunch.
Oh, don't be silly.
I can feed him.
We're vegan, and this is a meat house.
I can smell it.
Okay, Tara.
We'll see you in a couple of hours.
- I know it was you.
- Excuse me? I know it was you who ran that ham up my flagpole.
How dare you come to my house and accuse me of We have security cameras.
Oh, yeah, I did do that.
You should have invited Anna-Kat to your daughter's birthday party.
I regret nothing.
You know, it figures your other daughter would need to be tutored.
You know what? For a vegan who adopted a child from Africa, you are a very bad person! Don't give him soda! Okay, this is what I'm thinking.
We'll make this into the escape room, a.
Skybase 17, the disabled space station where the kids have to evacuate before their oxygen runs out.
I like it.
What's my character Central Command Officer Randall Walker, - a renegade who disobeyed orders and - No.
Wait for it saved the lives of billions - Still no - of space puppies.
Greg! This is not your 13th birthday! No characters! You need to monitor the kids No! And help them with their clues and make sure that they're having fun.
I want to have fun, too.
They need to solve an elaborate set of puzzles and brain teasers in order to get the code to release them from the room.
That sounds complicated.
How you gonna come up with all that? Oh, I'm not going to.
You are.
Did I leave that part out? Right.
But, you know, it's kind of dangerous down here.
I mean, there's exposed nails, an open junction box, and this door is falling off its hinges.
I'm gonna call Don, the landlord, and have him come fix the place up.
No, don't call Don.
We'll call a handyman.
Why? You have to pay a handyman.
The landlord's free.
Upkeep is his responsibility.
Yes, but we have a great deal on this place, and if we start complaining, they're gonna raise our rent.
We are not calling Don.
If you want me to hire some drifter who's gonna steal all of our silver I don't know why you equate handymen with drifters.
And by our silver, you mean the forks that you collect from various dining establishments? - It is the landlord's responsibility.
- I feel passionately about it.
Okay, then.
That's that.
So it's settled.
I'm calling the landlord.
Don, thank you so much for coming by today.
How much longer is this going to be? My husband is going to be back in an hour, and you can't be here when he gets back.
Why not? Um this is where he does his nude stretching.
Oh, yeah.
I do that.
That's great, Don.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! Wow, Dad.
That was, like, a lot of bowling.
I think I'm good on that sport from now on.
All: Surprise! Hey.
He didn't suspect a thing.
He even asked about dinner, and I was like, "Maybe we'll order pizza.
I don't know.
" [Laughs.]
Not so bad, right? You've ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you.
You're right.
I am the greatest mom ever! Happy birthday, baby! So, this is your place.
Never had us over to your casa before.
Five minutes until the escape room opens! Most of the time, they tear these down and build, like, a you know, a house.
Well, the thing is, this place might look like we have nothing, but actually I'm not supposed to talk about it.
Come on, amigo.
Spill it.
You can tell us.
Okay, but this is top secret, so I'm expecting you guys to have my back for real.
Not in the way we said we had Eric Porter's back, then convinced him it was mandatory to get naked for his lice check.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's happening up there? What? You're wearing mascara.
No, I'm not.
I just have Dad's beautiful, lush lashes.
You're welcome.
[Doorbell rings.]
Hello, Mrs.
Did not know you guys are studying tonight.
Well, there's this extra-credit assignment to watch "The Great Gatsby," but we won't get in the way.
- We'll just be in Dad's office.
- Mm.
Oh, God.
She's falling for the spawn of the worst human being on this planet.
You say that about a lot of people Viv, Crossing Guard Sandy, that police officer who keeps calling you ma'am.
I am not a ma'am yet! Tara Summers is the worst.
- I'm going to stop this right now.
- No, no, no, no.
If you do that, that'll only make her like him more.
Then what should we do? We have in our possession the world's ultimate romance killer.
- I'm Super Girl! - [Groans.]
I skipped dessert.
- That's a green light.
- [Chuckles.]
You're home, you're home! No [Groans.]
- Whee! - [Groans.]
Why? She's definitely the one for the job.
If we weren't having a party right now, the things that I would do to you that Anna-Kat would interrupt.
Mmm [Barks.]
All right, kids! The airlock is open.
Please proceed to the basement.
Anna-Kat, a word.
- Um, Dad? - Yeah? - Can I ask a favor? - Okay.
So, you know how Mom's throwing this party so I can be honest about who I am? Yeah.
Well, I kind of went the other way with it.
Go on.
Well, I might have left the impression that we have a bit more money than we actually do.
How much more? Private jet, an island, Swiss bank accounts, and that you're under investigation for money laundering, so we have to keep a low profile.
Are you crazy? I know it wasn't the right thing to do, but I said it in the moment, and I need you to back me up.
I'm not gonna lie for you, Oliver.
- No? You lied to me.
- Excuse me? You lied to get me out of the house so you could throw a party you knew I didn't want.
I expect this from Mom, but not you.
I didn't pull the trigger! I was just driving the car! Can you see okay? That's better.
Anna-Kat: Make room! [Giggles.]
I want to hang out with you tonight.
Once the airlock is sealed, you must work together to solve the riddles of the escape room and figure out the code that will set you free.
If you fail, your oxygen will run out and your lungs will collapse.
Actually, they would fill with water vapor and eventually explode.
- You don't know that.
- I don't.
But with a degree in space medicine, Randall Walker Buddy, you're killing me with the Randall Walker.
You're just the monitor.
Once you've figured out the code, you tell the monitor and he will put you on the next rocket ship home.
My dad's been on a Russian rocket.
My dad has a minority stake in the Houston Rockets.
You have 60 minutes.
Your time begins now! - [Beep.]
- Man: Engaging airlock.
We want in.
Anna-Kat won't leave us alone.
Ugh! I will have a word with Anna-Kat.
Keep an eye on them.
I don't want any "Blue Lagoon" stuff happening down here.
- What? - It was Brooke Shields.
She was too young and super naked.
- [Beep.]
- 59 minutes remaining.
What are you doing?! You're all gonna die! The end Oh, whoa, oh-oh Oh, whoa, oh Oh, oh, whoa, whoa Whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh Oh, whoa, oh-oh Oh, whoa, oh Oh, oh, whoa, whoa That's Haley Joel Osment.
Oliver: That's Hailee Steinfeld.
They're all Haleys.
Halley's Comet! Look around for a comet! Comet! I found a code number! [Cheers and applause.]
This is fun.
So, Oliver [Chuckling.]
How long have you guys been in hiding? As long as we've been in town.
Why? 'Cause I found this photo in a box of stuff.
It says "Williamsburg 2011," but you still have that same crappy mini van.
So, you had a custom Bentley but you still drove that mini van? [Scoffs.]
Doesn't add up, hombre.
Um, well Oliver, tell them the truth.
I'll do it.
I had the picture photoshopped in case the feds came snooping.
You can never be too careful.
Oh, and my real name, you ask? Walker Captain Randall J.
Thank you.
Where is he?! No knocking? You know what? Why don't you adopt some manners instead of just kids from Africa? My son's not answering his phone, and my text messages are unread.
He never ignores my messages! Oh, that's because I took his phone, - and he's trapped in my basement.
- What?! It's an escape-room party for my son's birthday.
Eyo and Taylor joined in.
- I want to see him.
- You can't.
They're on the space station, and the door is airlocked Give me my son! Fine.
A little dramatic, Tara.
I think you're anemic.
Have a hamburger.
Hey, got another number.
[Cheers and applause.]
Aw, bam! Well done.
20 minutes left and 3 clues to find.
And I set up a little thing where the lights flicker on and off.
It's really cool.
Okay, so the clue is Ursa, Orion, Ursa.
How are we supposed to get the combination? Try 7, 3, 7.
How did you know that? Well, there are seven stars in Ursa Major, three stars in Orion's Belt, and seven stars in Ursa Minor.
7, 3, 7.
You found an actual use for being smart.
Ah, constellations.
How I love to look up at them from our boat on Lake Como.
Oh, we have a lake villa there.
North or South Shore? Actually, Palazzo de Walker is on the Eastern Shore.
Perhaps you know it striped awnings.
We shoot fireworks off the veranda every Winter Solstice.
Okay, Dad, don't let it get away from you.
Ah, the Lago de Como.
Katie: The door is totally jammed.
Stupid landlord did a crap job.
Should've called a drifter.
Greg! Greg: Hey, Katie.
Going great in here.
Kids have found almost all the clues.
- The door's stuck.
- What? The door's stuck.
You can't escape from the escape room.
Tara: Katie, where the hell is my kid?! [Normal voice.]
Getting him! [Sighs.]
Son of a bitch! Katie: [Whispering.]
Katie, the kids have almost solved the puzzle.
I have to open the door.
What am I supposed to do? Stall them.
Just stay calm.
What is going on down here? [Normal voice.]
Get up there and tell me when the landlord gets here.
Landlord? Why did you call the landlord? Oh, it's not a big deal.
He's the one who put the door back on.
It is a big deal! We agreed you were gonna call the handyman, remember? I was very passionate about it! Greg, he is not going to raise our rent.
This is his fault! I can't believe you did this.
You steam-rolled right over me! Mama! There's a man at the door! I'll be right back.
Don't let the kids know that there's anything wrong.
- Something is very wrong! Very wrong! - [Alarm blaring.]
Man: Two minutes remaining.
Hey, it worked.
This isn't over! Are you even there? Ugh.
Come here.
Thanks for coming on such short notice, Don.
My band goes on in 40 minutes.
Oh, we'd love to come watch you sometime.
No, you don't.
No one does.
Get out of the way, Tara! - I can't breathe! - I need air! Cooper: Goodbye, muchachos! They're running out of air! Can you do me a favor and hang out with my husband so he can see how good he has it? [Blaring continues.]
- I found it! - 30 seconds remaining.
[All cheering.]
- Just in time.
20 seconds left.
- Open the hatch.
Well, you still have to unscramble the code.
It's my birthday.
Together: He got it! [Cheers and applause.]
I'll send the code to Central Command.
- Just in time.
- 10 seconds.
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 - Dad, the clock.
Open the door.
- 1 Red alert.
Oxygen stores empty.
- Airlock released.
- [Blaring stops.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Thanks for helping out, Don.
Please stay for cake.
That's fine.
My band doesn't need me anyway.
I only play tambourine.
- What are you doing here? - I'm taking you home.
I'm not ready to go yet.
Eyo Buckley Summers, what has gotten into you?! Excuse me! [Whispering.]
I specifically, passionately told you not to call him.
Greg, he was happy to do it.
He doesn't look happy.
He looks as happy as any 50-year-old tambourine player is ever gonna look.
Great birthday.
I didn't realize how tired I was of having all those celebrities at our parties.
I mean, not Beyoncé.
She's awesome.
But the rest of those yahoos Oh, supermarket cake is so much better than expensive cake.
Glad you guys are enjoying it.
I wish my family was super wealthy pretending to be poor.
Yeah, hiding billions has its advantages.
That is not happening.
I don't want my son cavorting with your daughter.
That is the only thing in the entire world that I agree with you on.
That and the fact that eating veal is cruel.
and delicious.
Well, hi, Don.
You want some more cake? Weirdest thing Those boys over there are talking about how rich you guys are.
- What? - Yeah, you've got all kinds of money hidden in Swiss bank accounts.
Said you were telling them all about it.
So I can explain.
My mom's been giving you guys a break on rent 'cause she thought you had modest means and were good people.
Seems like she doesn't know the whole story.
I got this, I got this.
I was lying for my son so that he would look good in front of his friends.
I promise you.
We are not rich.
Well, I'm gonna go talk to my mom about your rent, and I'm gonna do it in the middle of "Steve Harvey," and she's gonna be real mad.
Oliver, can I talk to you in private? Sure.
I just overheard your dad say you're not really rich.
What's going on? That's because I'm not.
I'm lying.
This is me.
This is where I live.
This is my small crappy house.
Your house isn't crappy.
You can have fun here.
My house is like a museum.
There's, like, one couch we're allowed to sit on.
Really? Yeah, that's what I like about you.
You're different than all these other guys.
Yeah, you know, I'm just regular people.
Happy birthday.
This is bad, Katie, really bad.
What was he talking about? Why exactly does Don think that we're rich? Well, Oliver was embarrassed about the house and So you said that we had Swiss bank accounts? Katie, this whole thing is on you.
You forced this party on Oliver.
You blatantly went behind my back with the landlord.
Yes, I lied, but none of this would've happened if you, for once, didn't steam-roll over people and, instead, actually did what they wanted.
That's true.
You're right.
I really screwed up this time.
I am so sorry.
Now who knows what's gonna happen? They could raise the rent, and then we couldn't live here.
What are you talking about? We have to live here.
This is the best house ever.
- Hmm? - And this was the best party ever.
And you're the best mom ever.
Forget it.
Steam-rolling is back, baby.
The party was great, and that was the best cake I ever had.
You ate the cake? It has eggs and milk in it.
You should try using those things.
Get in the car.
So, another study session tomorrow? Yeah.
I'd like that.
Your daughter is already bringing my son down to your level.
Yes, she is.
She's gonna destroy him.