American Housewife (2016) s03e10 Episode Script

Saving Christmas

1 [Sighs] No, no, Mom.
We've got this.
Don't offer to help.
- Ah, way ahead of you.
[Chuckles] - [Door closes] Why do you put off getting your tree until the last second? It's almost Christmas.
We wait so we get a better price on the reject trees.
Because a penny saved is a penny embarrassing.
This one only cost us 15 bucks because it's infested with termites.
But here's a fun fact we're renters! Do you have to keep walking around in that creepy thing? Yeah.
I do.
I didn't get the lead in "The Nutcracker," so I'm stuck getting used to this stupid Mouse King mask.
Well, it's happening, so suck it up.
All I want this year is a peaceful Christmas.
All I want is a Tiffany Infinity Bracelet.
All I want is an aging billionaire who has an aversion to pre-nups.
[Chuckles] Hmm.
And all I want for Christmas - [Door closes] - is for your mother to leave.
She's been here forever.
I want my office back.
I'm tired of you guys making fun of me whenever I want to read a book.
Books are for nerds, nerd! [Laughs] [Doorbell rings] [Gasps] Daddy! - Kitty-Kat! - [Both laugh] CHILDREN: Grandpa! - Oh, hi, cutie.
- Oh, hi, sweetheart.
[Laughs] - Hey, pal.
How are you? - Hi.
Why don't you take his bags upstairs? Oh, yeah, grab that one for me, would you? I didn't know you were coming, Dad.
- Why didn't you call? - Well, I did.
I told that little knucklehead right there.
Mom, Grandpa's coming to town for Christmas.
I love that you came, Daddy.
There is just one hitch Mom's here.
- She's still here? - Mm-hmm.
I thought she would've moved on by now.
- It's been months.
- Thank you! Grandpa! Come put those presents under the tree.
[Chuckles] This is very, very bad.
We can't have my parents in the same house.
There's an understanding they only see each other at weddings and funerals.
It's been 25 years since they split up.
I'm sure they've moved on by now.
Marty? Hey, Kate.
Nice ponytail.
It's very "Last of the Mohicans" meets "Cocoon.
" And how do you look so good? Did you make a deal with yourself? [Chuckles, snorts] And I see that you're still wearing cargo shorts.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I would have gotten all dressed up had I known I was meeting the Queen of England.
KATIE: Well, deck the [bleep] halls.
You don't have to clear out of your room.
I can just sleep on the floor somewhere.
Come on, Grandpa, you're not gonna sleep on the floor.
I'll just sleep on Anna-Kat's pullout.
Thanks, kiddo.
Hey, I'm excited to go see your dance thing.
Don't get too excited.
I didn't get the starring role.
I'm the Mouse King.
I wear a mask.
No one will even remember me.
Batman wore a mask.
Superman wore a mask.
Superman didn't wear a mask.
Batman wore a mask.
What are you two talking about? Uh, Grandpa was just giving me some advice.
Your grandpa is the best person to go to for problems.
- He was a father and a mother to me.
- MARTY: Aww.
When these started coming in strong - I'm good.
- I went to him.
He took me to get my first bra.
Most girls start with a training bra.
- Not my Katie.
- Still good.
He also taught me how to shave my legs.
And how to change a flat, throw a curve ball, and put on mascara.
You got to flick your wrist a little bit or it gets all clumpy.
Why didn't Grandma do this stuff with you? Because she found herself a job that would keep parenting opportunities to a minimum.
You don't have to change the sheets for me.
You do not want to sleep in a 15-year-old boy's sheets.
Mommmmm! You're right.
I'm sorry, honey.
You should also probably wear flip-flops in the shower.
Ugh! I can't believe that you wrapped those presents in aluminum foil.
Why? You don't need tape, and a cutter is right on the box.
You don't have to worry about scissors, and when you unwrap, you can use it to cover your favorite holiday leftovers.
All right, this is why your daughter buys last-minute Christmas trees and reuses dryer sheets until they dissolve into her clothing.
Oh, you are a delight.
[Sighs] Well, looks like our family Christmas is getting dragged behind a dumpster and beaten with a sack of batteries.
You're just gonna have to ask one of your parents to leave.
I can't kick my parents out on Christmas.
The only thing that we can do to have a peaceful holiday is to keep them apart.
I will take my mom to work and you entertain my dad.
What am I supposed to do with him? He's a handyman.
Have him fix something.
Fix what? Nothing's broken.
- [Cabinet clatters] - There.
Fix that.
All right.
[Knock on door] There's the new understudy for the lead of "Little Shop of Horrors.
" I couldn't have done it without you.
- Ready to rehearse? - Let me just grab my script.
Hey, Pierce, do you wanna play ponies with me? - Ponies? - Yeah.
I made up a game called "Real Horsewives of Connecticut.
" This is Donatella Morningstar.
She's having a launch party for her new saddle line, but she didn't invite Sparkles O'Donahue, so she's having lunch with Bethany Trotsky to talk trash.
Yeah, I don't do ponies.
Tell Mom and Dad we're off to join the circus.
Did you just come up with that off the top of your head? - Mm.
- I can't believe you haven't done improv.
[Giggles] [Door closes] That boy needs a hard hoof to the head.
Ooo, Donatella, you are bad.
[Grunts] Nothing was ever good enough for that woman.
[Glasses clack] You have those just loose in there? No bag? It's a pocket.
Why would I need a bag? Listen, I get that she makes you nuts.
She makes me nuts.
But could you just make peace with Kathryn? [Laughs] You see, that would be like using a cement-based grout on a joint instead of caulk.
I'm saying it wouldn't work.
I'm just asking for a small gesture.
A peace offering.
Put on a pair of pants.
My legs run hot! Listen, all Katie wants is a stress-free Christmas.
Do it for your daughter and your grandkids.
All right.
I'll do it for them.
Apple pie? How is it warm? - I told you I run hot.
- Mm.
[Indistinct conversations] He wouldn't even play "Real Horsewives" with me.
That's crazy.
It's so fun.
Did you offer him Donatella Morningstar? She's the breakout star of the whole show.
[Sighs] I didn't even have a chance.
He just walked away.
[Sighs] I get a bad feeling from that guy.
Me too.
You need to get your act together and win Taylor back.
How? She's super mad.
She won't talk to me.
It's Christmas.
Put a Secret Santa gift in her locker.
- Okay.
- She won't know it's from you, and when she loves it, you pop out and do your smiley handsome thing.
I'm really good at smiley handsome.
Maybe the best there ever was.
But what do I get her? I happen to know she wants a Tiffany Infinity Bracelet.
All right.
I'm in.
- I just have one question.
- Mm-hmm.
Did Donatella Morningstar launch her new saddle line yet? She did.
And there was so much drama! [Sighs] I can't believe - I missed it.
- [Chuckles] Check it out the cabinet is fixed.
And after my little talk with your dad, so is Christmas.
I wouldn't be so sure.
Do you hear them fighting? No, but they could have sharpened candy canes and shivved each other.
- [Footsteps] - OLIVER: Mom? Have you seen my Mouse King mask? I saw it in my office earlier.
[Chuckling] I'm fixing everything.
Oh, dear.
My mask! Oh, yeah, uh, listen, kiddo, I'm sorry.
It kind of got all squished in the excitement.
Here, honey.
Yeah, uh, but I can fix it.
KATIE: What is going on in there? Oh, my God.
What have you two done? Don't answer that.
Please! Don't answer that.
Fine, I won't answer.
But whatever did happen here happened twice.
[Chuckles] - [Sighs] - [Groans] I told you to keep them apart.
They are the opposite of apart, Greg! I wanted you to have a peaceful Christmas.
All I did was ask your dad to put some pants on! - [Sighs] - And I did.
But then they came right back off again.
[Chuckles] - I appreciated the gesture.
- Oh.
You know, we just started reminiscing about the good times, and one thing led to another.
And another.
And most of the way to another.
Please stop.
Your mother decided that maybe we should give it another go.
- Yeah.
- No.
That is a terrible, terrible idea.
- Right, Greg? - Terrible.
[Scoffs] We'll be fine.
In fact, we're even thinking about moving in together.
Wait, not moving in together in my office.
- An off-site location? - My place.
Hooray for love! [Kathryn and Marty laugh] I don't know what my dad was thinking getting back together with my mom.
He doesn't remember how awful she was to him.
But I do.
That's why I'm so easygoing with Greg.
Y-You are nicer to him than you are other people, I guess.
Katie, they're both adults, and you get rid of your mom.
What's the big deal? Because the minute someone better comes along, she is going to take off and break my dad's heart all over again.
- That's cold.
- You did the same thing to your wife! That's right, because a lesbian can do anything a heterosexual can do, Doris.
I can't watch my dad go through it again.
It took me a year to get him back on his feet.
It's probably why I'm so nurturing.
You really see yourself differently than the rest of the world, huh? Sounds like you have to break them up before he gets in too deep.
I'd love to, but how? Do something to remind them why they're so bad for each other.
Find a trigger.
Like on Christmas Eve, when I want to get rid of Richard's mom, I bring out a picture of her at my age.
We look exactly the same.
Creeps everybody out.
She bolts, Richard can't look at me for a month, everybody wins.
You know, when I was a kid, they fought about decorating the Christmas tree.
He wanted big, blinking, colorful lights, and she thought anything but white bulbs was stupid.
But I thought you said Christmas morning was the happiest time for your family.
It was, once I got the idea to have two trees one for him and one for her.
Because that's what a 9-year-old needs to worry about at Christmas keeping Mom and Dad from fighting.
So your answer lies in that one tree in your living room.
I'll just use the spirit and wonder of the holidays to pit my parents against each other and break 'em up.
Here she comes.
[Gasps] Oh, my God.
- Go get her, kid.
- [Exhales sharply] What's that? It's a Tiffany Infinity Bracelet, but there's no card, so it's from a Secret Santa, I guess.
I love it! [Chuckles] Merry Christmas! It's from you? Whoa.
He got her the same present? He didn't get her the same present, he just took credit for yours.
And now he's getting my hug? - I have to tell her.
- No.
Remember last time you told her that Pierce was a jerk? You ended up looking like the jerk.
So I just give up? No.
We need to come up with a Secret Santa gift she'll know is from you.
Then, when Pierce takes credit for it, he's busted.
So, all we have to do is I have an idea, but let's see if yours is better.
It has to be something romantic.
What did you guys do on your first date? Oh, so, we went bowling and we made up funny names for each other to put on the screen.
So she was "Lois Lane," and I was "Insert Player Two Name Here.
" Keyboard was very confusing.
That's it! Get her a bowling shirt with "Lois Lane" on it.
Anna-Kat, you're like a mini guidance counselor.
Except you don't put Sambuca in your coffee every time I walk in your office.
- Come on, let's wrap it up.
- What's the rush? I just want to get the tree trimmed before Oliver's dance recital.
So you're at peace with your parents getting back together? Oh, yeah.
I don't love that "Oh, yeah.
" - I've heard it before.
- [Camera shutter clicks] Katie, you're still on the pill, right? Oh, yeah.
- [Chuckles] - [Camera shutter clicks] Why are you guys looking at me? Sorry we're late.
I was just giving the Mouse King a once-over.
I got one, too.
[Chuckles] - Ugh.
- Here you go.
It looks like nobody has ever had sex on it! Well, the tree is all decorated.
What do you think? - It's very pretty.
- That's nice.
You sure? Nothing that bothers you? Dad, you've always been a star man, right? You sure you want that angel up there? Well, nothing to fight over.
An angel is just fine.
Like your entire life was "just fine" after Mom chewed you up and spit you out like a bad pistachio.
Katie, what are you doing? Just cherishing a magical Christmas with both of my parents.
Am I still allowed to do that, Greg, or is this Russia? Mom, what do you think of the lights? They sure are big and colorful and blinkey.
Well, I know they make your father happy.
Since when did you care about that? My whole childhood, you lived off of menthols and Dad's misery.
Why are we bringing this up now? I don't know.
It's the holidays.
And it's nice to take a walk down Memory Lane.
- Katie - Remember how you'd tell Dad to take 'em off, and he'd refuse and tell you, "You're not gonna be happy until there were two more balls hanging from the tree.
" Ornaments, Anna-Kat.
She's, uh, talking about ornaments.
Mom realizes she's doing this in front of her children.
Isn't that right, Mama? Remember how you'd rip the lights off the tree and throw them at Dad? That was fun.
Do you want to give them a little tug? Katie, stop.
Now, the lights are fine.
I know that you hate them.
Here! Let me help you pull them off! [Ornaments shattering] Oh, good, now I'm not the only one in class whose mom hasn't had a nervous breakdown.
Thanks, Mom.
You've given me a lot to draw on when I play the villain in "The Nutcracker.
" Can we go do that now? Why aren't you two fighting about the tree?! This is your tradition! I think I'll start my own tradition by spending Christmas at a friend's house.
[Screams] [Sighs] My Mouse King mask! This was your peaceful Christmas? What's your idea for a happy New Year? The Purge? Look what you did.
[Remix of Tchaikovsky's "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays] [Indistinct conversations] Hey, hey, hey.
It's gonna be fine.
Oh, yeah, I'm on in half an hour, and I have no mask.
Don't worry.
You can fix anything with duct tape.
Why are you so upset? Your parents are falling in love again on Christmas.
[Katie sighs] Add a rescue dog, maybe Tori Spelling, you've got yourself the perfect TV holiday movie.
You're just pushing her on my dad because you want her out of your office.
He's going to get hurt again.
- You don't know that.
- Yes, I do.
I know my mom, and she's gonna eat him alive.
She is like a lake full of piranhas, and he is like something that falls into a lake full of piranhas.
- A small cow? - Thank you.
He's like a small cow.
[Music continues] [Conversations continue] All right.
The elf is delivering the bowling shirt.
Taylor will open it up and know it can only be from you.
Pierce will try to take credit.
And she'll know he's a liar.
Then you pop out, kiss-kiss And then we green-light "Real Horsewives" Season Two.
I got her tickets? No, you bought her a bowling shirt.
I thought you'd want to go since you're gonna be on Broadway someday.
Oh, my God, thank you! What is going on? That tall guy over there gave me 20 bucks to come over here and say, "Thanks for the box.
" Pierce! - Dad - Hmm? you and Mom shouldn't be together.
Look, kiddo, I can take care of myself.
Mom is just making nice with you because she doesn't have anywhere else to go.
She is broke and looking for a soft place to land.
What are you saying? You are like a drywall screw and she's a driver.
And then she's going to use you until your head gets stripped, and then she's gonna leave you for one of those fancy Torx screws.
- Now I understand.
- Mm-hmm.
- But maybe she - Dad I know you think that you can fix anything, but you cannot fix her.
[Quietly] Your father just told me he doesn't want me to move in with him anymore and that he's leaving tonight.
What did you say to him? [Whispering] All of this is a bad idea.
[Scoffs] And who are you to say it's a bad idea? - Ugh.
- Shh! - [Sighs] - We will finish this conversation after Oliver's performance.
- Shh! - I was just telling her - that we need to stop talking.
- Shh.
Did you ask Santa for a roundhouse kick to the teeth? 'Cause you're about to get it.
You're on in 15 seconds.
There you are.
Did you fix it? Well, I'm not gonna use the phrase "as good as new" Uh, yeah, how's that? [Muffled] Not great.
- You're on! - Go, go! [Audience gasps] Oh, my God.
I guess we can finish that conversation now.
You need to get your nose out of our business.
Why do you care what we do? I am not letting you chew him up and spit him out like you did before.
What the hell do you know? Lots! I grew up in that house! - Shh! - Ugh! We're in a lobby! I admit that things went south between me and your dad, but we wanted different things.
That is not gonna happen this time.
Based on what?! Living with you! Huh? Living with you and Greg these past few months, I've watched how you two work together.
I mean, you're you're totally different, but but [Scoffs] I don't know.
You figure it out.
You talk things through.
You don't have a fight and then fly off to another city to do tequila shots with Jan-Michael Vincent.
[Sighs] You taught me what marriage is.
[Chuckles] I mean, I I didn't get it the first time around with your dad, but I think I get it now.
There you go.
Good as new.
And that's a watertight seal.
- You don't even need a shoe.
- Thanks, Grandpa.
[Quietly] We're still going to the hospital, right? Oh, yeah.
[Sighs] - Dad? - Yeah.
I'd like you to meet somebody.
Her name is Kathryn.
I'm not gonna lie she's a lot, but I think you'd make a great couple.
[Kathryn chuckles] You were right.
This would make a good holiday movie.
Shh! Excuse me.
I'm going to be in jail for Christmas.
Despite my worst efforts, everyone got what they wanted.
I got my peaceful Christmas.
Greg is getting his office back.
Taylor got that over-priced bracelet, not to mention theater tickets and a new boyfriend.
Anna-Kat seems pretty excited about that portable belt sander my dad got her.
My mom got her soft landing.
Even Oliver kind of got what he wanted to be the star of the show.
[Laughs] They looped it! OLIVER: Aah! Aah! Aah! 3,000 likes?! We need to make a follow-up right away.
What do you think of "Mouse King tries to dunk and pulls the hoop down on top of himself?" [Laughs] [As Donatella Morningstar] She wasn't invited, so I was all, "Filly, don't get in my muzzle with your cheap extensions!" [Laughs] [As Sparkles O'Donahue] You just broke the nasty meter, Donatella.
No one wants you here, Sparkles.
Your bloodline has no champions.
[As pony] Not for nothing, but I hear your grandmother was sired by a donkey.
You two are just jealous because my bridle has diamonds on it, and my horseshoes cost more than your stables.
[As Donatella] Get out before I bite you in the withers! [Normal voice] Is that the butt? [Normal voice] [Laughing] No, the neck! [Chuckles] Drama and education this show has everything.