American Princess (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
Just Boob Stuff
1 Previously on "American Princess" It's Brett.
He wants to FaceTime.
- [BRETT MOANING.]
- What? Yeah, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah, right there.
Are you out of your mind? You How could you? I'm not having an affair.
I love you.
On our wedding day? [SCREAMS.]
Ugh, theme wedding.
Sorry for interrupting your little wedding here.
FYI, though, he doesn't know what play his own quote's from.
- That is preposterous.
- DAVID: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
She be right! From which play doth the quote come? "Richard II.
" Uh, ffff.
The maid doth speak the truth.
Huzzah! ALL: Huzzah! So, what? You all run around pretending to be Queen Elizabeth and stuff, and people get drunk with nerds? It be their leidenschaft.
It's German for passion.
Do you really want to throw away everything you almost had? I'm not going back with you.
I'm staying.
Here.
Nay.
Hither.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE.]
[INSECT BUZZES.]
[GROANS.]
- [BUZZING STOPS.]
- Ugh.
[VIBRATOR BUZZING.]
What the [MOANING.]
Ah! [GASPING.]
- [CLICK, BUZZING STOPS.]
- [LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Good morrow, cousin.
Good morrow morning.
Where am I? D-Did I - Did we - No! No, no, no.
[SIGHS.]
Just boob stuff.
- What? - I'm kidding! - Oh.
- No, I'm not.
- What? - Yes, I am.
No, I'm not.
[LAUGHING.]
Yes, I am.
Don't worry.
You do have nice boobs, though.
Thanks? Amanda Sophia Klein.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
My roommate, my hero.
When you renounced your life last night so dramatic.
- And then you drank all that Devil's - Scotch.
Right.
How much did I say? Brett is dead to me.
- Terrific.
- Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
I hope my vigorous self-pleasuring provided you a gentle waking.
[CHUCKLES.]
No sweeter music than the stroke of your own strings, am I right? Wait, did you say "roommate"? Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna show you everything.
- Everything? - Mm-hmm.
Hang on.
If we're roommates [GROANS.]
what happened to the person or gimp that used to live here? Don't worry.
She's never around.
You may want to flip the mattress.
This place needs some serious feng shui - or a hazmat team or - [INSECT BUZZES.]
a citronella perimeter.
I'm so excited you're here! [GROANS.]
- Yes.
- [VIBRATING.]
Please tell me that's not your It's Brett.
Shall I? No! I mean no, thank you.
I'll I'll handle it.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Ugh Not everything can be fixed with emojis.
[RING CLINKS.]
Now, want to find your leidenschaft? - Ja.
- I wouldn't touch that hand.
[WATER RUNNING.]
[YELLING, GROANING.]
SHART: Dude, you okay? You okay Oh.
Aah.
Dude, what happened to your nipple ring? Just had an accident last night.
Pretty crazy, right? - Is it? - What do you mean? [CHUCKLES.]
It's a nipple ring.
I mean, the idea of it being torn out must have crossed your mind at some point.
The idea of crashing my car's crossed my mind, but I still drive.
Not with your nipple.
Yeah.
So you, uh, hook up with that new girl again? What, Amanda? No, nothing happened.
Two nights ago, she got wasted and passed out on my floor.
So now you got that to deal with.
W-What? What do you mean? Dude, if you take in a stray, it's not a stray anymore.
- It's your dog.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
She's not my dog.
I don't believe in pets, not even comfort animals.
Yeah, well, at least she's a cute dog.
Yeah.
What's your Faire name gonna be? Like, mine's Prunella Bubblebottom because I'm a washer wench.
We sing songs, make dirty jokes, we get wet, and our audiences have the best, best time, because they're in the splash zone.
- Like at SeaWorld.
- That's whales.
We're wenches.
It's different.
- But - It's different.
- [FACETIME RINGING.]
- Mm.
- Wi-Fi! - Yeah.
It lives near the office.
But don't move.
It's shy, like a baby deer.
I'll see you at the well, sister.
And don't forget to think of your Faire name.
Nice work, Amanda.
Mom's so up my butt about you, I've got a stress zit.
Hi, Erin.
I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.
Ugh, not everything is about you.
How about my life blowing up? Can that be about me? Oh, no, no, no.
Do not play the victim.
You're the one who blew it up.
It's like ISIS declared jihad on dream weddings and sent you in first.
I didn't blow it up.
Brett blew it up by being Classic Amanda.
Can't take responsibility for anything.
Oh, and you can shred your black card.
Mom's cutting you off.
I am taking responsibility, and I am the victim.
And you know what? You can tell Mom to keep her emotional blood money.
I'm getting a job here.
- You're what? - Joanntha? [CHUCKLES.]
You're I'm sorry.
Say that What Ama Stop, you're No, Ama - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Erin.
Wait, you know my mom's name? You talked a lot last night.
Stupid scotch.
From now on, I'm strictly gay for rosé.
- Whoa.
- What? - My nipple ring.
- You have a nipple ring, - like a fancy cow? - [CHUCKLES.]
Not since last night.
You don't remember? My crazy accident? Ugh, no.
Again, I have to plead scotch.
That's two nights in a row for you.
You think I have a drinking problem? Is alcohol your usual coping mechanism? - No! - Okay.
I do not have a problem.
- Okay.
- I don't.
I said okay.
You said okay like five times.
Why are you counting okays? Hey, lover.
Uh, hey.
Uh, Amanda, this is Callie.
- Hi.
- Hmm.
- Um, I got the kambo.
- What's kambo? Amazonian frog venom.
It's for my nipple.
That doesn't need venom.
[CHUCKLES.]
That needs stitches.
- Ah, it's not that bad.
- You work in a mud pit, and that's an open wound.
Are you Are you crazy? I love what I do.
Your need to be seen is profound.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- LEE: [CHUCKLING.]
Ohh, man.
Hi.
I'm Amanda.
Are you hiring? You have any felonies? No.
Then we're hiring.
Awesome.
What's your dramaturgy situation? I have a degree in English from Vassar.
Yeah, we've already got like six dramaturgists on staff.
Okay.
I'm also good at Word and, uh, Adobe Creative Suite a-and Hey, hi.
Eyes up here.
Oh, I was just wondering if maybe a bodice would kind of - What? - make things pop.
Ugh.
Offensive much? I'm here to work, not make it rain.
Okay, Vassar, lighten up.
You ever worked in food service? Summers on the Cape, I was a hostess at the Landfall in Woods Hole classic surf and turf, occasional Kennedy.
So I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty.
Perfect.
You're hired.
This isn't meant to be, you know.
It never was.
And yet, perhaps the impossibility is what made it possible.
Like the mighty salmon thrusting itself against the surging stream, determined to spawn, whatever the cost.
But do not weep.
You shall find this again.
Well, not this, this, but perhaps this-adjacent.
Who's Jason? Oh, my sweet, simple boy.
I am the Queen.
You park cars.
A titillating pornographic premise we explored most vigorously but has now concluded.
Exeunt omnes.
We're over, José.
You can go.
Okay.
- Want to smoke out? - No.
- Later? - No.
Want to hook up after work? I literally just dumped you.
Okay.
In case you change your mind.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
- Hey, dude.
- Good morning.
Felipé? [SCOFFS.]
José, you racist.
I'm not racist.
I don't recall his name because I refuse to commit useful brain cells to some temporary toad in your hole.
Well, then, you'll be glad to know I ended it.
The poor dear, he was beside himself.
Really? He seemed Devastated, as if I'd extinguished the light that burned behind his eyes.
Pretty dim light.
All right, you've had your fun.
No, I haven't, actually.
We completely missed Leah Remini's marathon last night so you could get your fields plowed.
Again with the stereotypes.
What stereotypes? Fields.
Plowed.
José.
[SCOFFS.]
That was a euphemism for sex.
That has nothing to do with Okay, now I hear it.
MAN: Well, I wish you the best of luck.
[PLOP.]
MAN 2: Milady, Mother has blessed you.
Come, sir, handle my jugs.
I see by your lady you have experience.
In sooth, I wager you could handle a pair of jugs.
- Am I correct, mistress? - He sure can.
Oh, well, come, then.
I'll show you my jugs, and you show me yours.
This place is insane.
It's like, "What if super-horny nerds designed an amusement park?" So what? Without "super-horny nerds," there'd be no movies, no music, no Internet, just football and pharmaceutical reps.
My fiancé's brother's a pharm You mean your ex-fiancé, the one whose hooker you bloodied? - Hey, you had a lot to say last night.
- Yeah, so I hear.
Tankards and flagons and jugs for sale! Suck on my jugs, they'll fill you with ale.
Seriously, I'm the only one who finds that skeevy? You and the puritans.
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
It's just one big, beautiful community full of love and acceptance.
It brought me Stephen.
How long have you two been together? Oh, is it, uh, three Faires, babe? Mm-hmm.
Well, my husband, Phil, met him first.
They bonded over their love of craft beers and then over their love of me.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Wait, I'm sorry.
You're not Who's your husband? Oh, let's see.
Where's Phil? Oh, uh, t-there he is.
He's right between the pub and the Hump Stump.
- Babe.
Babe! - Hey.
Hey, Phil.
So sorry.
Did you say "the Hump Stump"? Oh, yeah.
It's a popular after-hours spot for Rennies to you know, love in the open air.
- "The Giving Tree," unabridged.
- Phil hates it.
To be fair, it did give him a massive splinter.
That was a nightmare, it's true.
Babe, I'm looking for my Kindle.
- Phil said you had it last? - Yes, yes, yes.
It's in my yellow It's easier if I just get it for you.
Do you think you can handle the booth for 10 minutes on your own? I graduated summa cum laude.
I think I can handle pork pockets.
- Okay.
- JUAN ANDRÃS: Tankards and flagons - and jugs for sale! - Let's go.
One pork pocket, please.
Sure.
[GASPS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I'll get a turkey leg.
With this sword, I dub thee Sir Daryl, Knight of the Realm.
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Your Majesty, a word posthaste.
Posthaste now? Indeed, that being what posthaste doth mean.
What have I told you about the Shake-splaing? I dub these Lady Maya, Dame of County Essex.
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
I think I just saw Colin.
- Colin Hayes? - Don't worry.
I'll make sure you won't have to talk to him.
Oh, Colin did eight seasons here as Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester.
He's entitled to visit.
I dub thee Sir Jayden, Knight of the Realm! Is he also entitled to tempt and torment you? Last time he visited, I had to spoon you so long - our clothes stuck together.
- [SCOFFS.]
Did you know he'd be here and deliberately not tell me? Oh, please.
Brian.
Deliberately.
You did know.
So that's why you broke things off with Jorgé.
I dub thee Lady Alexa, Dame of County Hamilton! It's José, and so what? One can't mount two productions on the same stage.
You intend to mount? It's a metaphor.
It's a synonym.
- Jesus.
- Food service, no bueno.
- What else you got? - Uh, okay, uh Boothie.
Crafter.
Gamer.
You're probably too small to be a push monkey.
A push monkey? Yeah, the guys that push the swings and stuff.
- They run the rides.
- And they're referred to - as monkeys.
- Yeah, well, it's that or motion-generating entertainment specialists.
I'm kidding.
It's monkeys.
WOMAN: God save the Queen! [PEOPLE CHEERING.]
Your Grace.
I am most humbled to be in your presence this day.
Arise, good sir.
Hast thou e'er been told you do resemble Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester, who once did frequent this shire? It hath been remarked upon.
I am told he was thought quite handsome.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Uh, but today, I am Claudius Hollyband, if it please you.
Linguist, philologist, and lexicographer.
Ah.
A weaver of words, then? A weaver of words, a student of syntax, a parser of paragraphs.
Indeed.
Then you would be well acquainted with terms such as "miscreant," "vagabond," and "lothario"? Academically, which be far different than were I to be termed a "contumelious pantywaist dilettante.
" Uh Well played, good sirs, well played.
Such sporting wit.
Your Grace, if I may beg a boon, I would a word with you, uh, alone.
Really? An' it would please me But we must away, for our Queen's appointments are many and her hours few.
Yea, but the joust is not until 1:00 and 30.
Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
Anon, Master Holly-bland.
- But - I said anon.
[SIGHS.]
Really? Three hours? That's the line.
"Merry Wives of Windsor.
" More like "Bored Wives of Windsor.
" Holding his sword but bereft of his shield Oh? Oh.
Aw.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- the valiant young knight - told the dragon to - Yield! Why not stop? Yield seems like it's delaying things.
- So do you.
- Oh, that's because I know what's coming.
We all do.
It's why they have garbage bags.
Oh.
Can I have one? If your performance stays at this level, absolutely.
- Ohh! - [LAUGHTER.]
But the dragon was cunning and clever and smart.
He laid down, turned around, and spewed forth a great Shart! Aah! Aah.
Ah.
[LAUGHTER.]
And so ends our tale of bravery and wit.
But mostly of jokes that were all about clever wordplay.
[LAUGHTER.]
Thank you, thank you, lords and ladies.
Gramercy.
If thou didst enjoy the show, please put something in the hat.
Even small coins, they, uh they make a difference.
But if you don't have any coins, we also accept sexual favors.
Please don't put those in the hat.
Uh, they make the coins sticky.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey.
- You okay? - Tip-top.
Yeah, but nip not top.
Let me get you some of Lulu's breast milk to put on it.
- Stuff will cure cancer.
- Don't have cancer.
- Mm, fixed my ear infection.
- Don't have an ear infection.
- It's good in coffee - Stop.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're You're hot.
Go rest.
No.
Pizzle Wanksworth Humpsalot, you'll do as you're told.
Fine.
Fine.
- Hey, whatcha lookin' at? - No! Ain't you ever seen anybody workin' like that? - Mama, he he's pushing me! - Hey, whatcha lookin' at? Ain't you ever seen anybody workin' like that? - Leave me alone! - Hey, whatcha lookin' at? Ain't you ever seen anybody workin' like that? - He's not leaving me alone! - Hey, whatcha lookin' at? Ain't you ever seen anybody workin' like that? See Jane work, work, work, Jane work, work See Jane work, work Ain't you ever seen anybody workin' like that? See Jane work, work, work, Jane work, work Come on, got a thing, thing, come on, come on, come on Can you feel me, can you feel me? Can you feel me? Come on, come on, come on Can you feel me, can you feel me? Work, Jane, work, huh! - Hope he feels better.
- Thanks.
Oh, uh Huzzah for the tipper! - Never gets old.
- [GIGGLES.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Look, Mommy.
What is this? No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, uh, hey, no, ooh, ooh, ah, ah.
This be a sheep's bladder.
Like a balloon? Yes! Like a balloon! Blow it up.
Blow it up, blow it up, blow it up.
[COUGHS.]
CALLIE: And now the ring of six.
[GRUNTS, SIGHS.]
Would you prefer to use my saliva or yours? Go for it.
[SPITS.]
[GROANING.]
Stick? [GROANING.]
I don't want to talk about it.
CALLIE: From here, the venom will find the wound.
Stick.
I know, but you try telling him.
Repeat after me.
- "I am the light.
" - I am the light.
- "I am the spirit.
" - I am spirit.
That the freaking Amazonian frog venom? Stick.
Oh, yo, did you get that aspirin? Damn it.
I'm sorry, man.
I had a situa tion.
You don't need aspirin.
You have me.
"I am the soul.
" Yeah, baby, you know you are.
No, repeat.
"I am the soul.
" Maybe I need a real doctor.
Define "real.
" [VOMITS.]
Good.
It's working.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Will you stop being a blocker? Stop being a gawker.
Colin walked out on you.
Now he gets to walk back in? Enough, I say.
Enough, enough, enough! Stand down, Malvolio.
I'm a big girl.
The day's announcements, Your Majesty.
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
Lords and ladies, gentles all, I do entreat you to join me this day at our Royal Joust, where our bravest knights battle for honor and glory.
[APPLAUSE.]
Today, we honor Lady Linda Sippey and Lord Eric Fundling upon their fourth anniversary.
- Month.
- Month-iversary.
Fourth monthiversary.
A full 120 days.
Huzzah.
- Huzzah! - Huzzah! Duchess Carol Denbo is here celebrating her 60th natal day.
- Huzzah! - Huzzah! Congratulations to Joseph Oswald for coming out to his grandparents, visiting from the colony of Maine.
- Very brave, sir Joseph.
- ALL: Huzzah! Vanessa Ho-Chin, we commend your passing of the bar.
- ALL: Huzzah! - And finally, we celebrate love with the betrothal of Lady Emily Shaw to Lord Colin Hayes.
- Huzzah! - Huzzah! Uh, water.
I need water.
Uh [APPLAUSE.]
Congratulations to all.
And brevity being the soul of wit, lay on, MacDuff, for all the world's a stage, right? Now jousters to joust and musicians to play, as I, Will Shakespeare, will away.
[CONFUSED FANFARE PLAYING.]
[SNIFFLES, SIGHS.]
That's what he wanted to talk to me about.
- Maggie - You should have let him.
And if I'd known, I would have.
Maybe.
[SIGHS.]
My intention was to not let you get hurt again.
Good intentions.
They never fail to screw me over.
And what if he had spoken to you? - What would it have changed? - Well, I could have I would have had some warning.
[SCOFFS.]
Yes.
Warning that the man who broke your heart was back to rub your nose in it, publicly? He's such a dick.
Always was.
So why do I keep looking back and wondering, "What if?" Because he's the who got away.
He didn't get away.
I let him go.
Off to the suburbs to a regular job and a-a regular life.
You could have gone with him and had it, too.
But you chose Queen and country over a convenient and conventional union, just like the real Elizabeth.
Probably die like her, too bald and surrounded by pugs.
But beloved, forever beloved.
Victoria had the pugs, not Elizabeth.
- Oh, damn it, Brian.
- Sorry.
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
Stay.
I got it.
BRIAN: Ladies and gentlemen, to the joust! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! [FACETIME RINGING.]
Kombucha? Jesus, Cyril.
Okay.
Gross.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't panic.
It's organic.
- Ew.
- What, you got something - against manure? - Got something for it? Yeah.
- Funk of the earth, huh? - [RETCHES.]
What begins as grass becomes the power of those beasties' mighty haunches, becomes speed, and then, once expelled, becomes grass again.
So Kombucha? I foraged the rose hips myself.
And hard pass.
[FACETIME RINGING.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, my God.
It doesn't recognize me.
My phone doesn't know who I am.
Look at me.
Look at me! Does my face not look like my face? Oof, scoby's off.
[SIGHS.]
[FACETIME CONTINUES RINGING.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Hey.
Hey what? Hey, I'm sorry? Hey, I love you? Hey, can we work things out? Can you just stop saying hey? I can't with the hay right now.
You look different good different.
Like, earthy.
Thanks? Yeah, no, I Look, I'm beyond sorry that what I did upset you.
[ROOSTER CROWS.]
But I also know that we're better together - and that it takes two to make a - "Thing go right"? - I swear to God, Brett - That it takes two to make a relationship work, to share in its joys, but also to shoulder its burdens.
What kind of TED Talk bull are you on, Brett? Shoulder its burdens? You cheated on me on our wedding day.
Why should I shoulder that burden? - Because we're a couple.
- Yeah, which means two, not two and then the occasional out-of-network beej.
WOMAN: Bonjour, monsieur.
Tout est d'accord ? - Oh, my God.
- Merci.
Are you in St.
Barts? Are you on our honeymoon?! Dr.
Bloom after said after a major emotional trauma to prioritize self-care.
And the tickets were non-refundable - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I am not done yelling at you! Oh, come on, data plan.
Come on, Wi-Fi.
Oh.
My kingdom for some Wi-Fi! Yes.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Finally.
[LINE RINGING.]
Coward! I hope you go on our scuba excursion and get raped by an electric eel.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Oh, my God.
Amanda.
You guys, it's Amanda.
- Oh! - Oh! Hi! Hi.
Morgan - [WOMEN SHRIEKING.]
- We're getting drinks.
Miss you, bitch.
Ugh.
Mocktails.
So over it.
- Morgan? - How's rehab? MORGAN: Lexi, she's not in rehab.
That's just what we're saying.
Did you Lexi, stop waving the phone around.
I just want to see.
Lex Lexi.
[SIGHS.]
Morgan, take the phone from Lexi.
- Ohh.
- Hi.
Okay.
I just spoke to Brett.
About the story the Post? I know.
I saw.
But don't worry.
Honestly, I didn't share it, and don't freak out about the comments.
It's not a big deal.
It's gonna be fine.
- That's not what I was gonna say.
- I didn't share it, either, and and truly, people have moved on.
You know the Central Park polar bear, the one with autism? He drowned.
- [GASPS.]
He drowned? - Yeah.
I'm not calling about the Post! Hey, I also didn't share.
And I know this is a weird time, but are you reimbursing us for the bridesmaid dresses? No.
Did you guys know that Brett is on my our honeymoon? I'm sorry.
I didn't know we weren't supposed - to share the story.
- Give Morgan the - I feel bad.
- Give the phone to Morgan.
But it got a bunch of likes and a ton of sad faces, and - those are hard to do, because - All right, all right, all right.
What Lexi? Morgan.
Are you guys there? Are you there?! Hey.
Would you mind turning the volume down just a touch? I'm trying to nap.
I need a drink.
So this is your usual coping mechanism.
I am not an alcoholic.
People who buy Sour Apple vodka are alcoholics.
Oh, I'm glad to see that you're taking things seriously on your first day.
Says the guy who was napping.
I was trying to just recover enough so that I could do the last show.
Ew.
Yeah, you need to get that looked at.
When I was working at Refinery29, I had an alarming lump, and I had to take the whole week off.
'Cause they thought you had cancer? No, but I did.
It was a fatty lipoma.
Benign.
And apparently hereditary.
Cheers to a lifetime of outpatient fatty lipoma removals.
Um, I don't know, sorry? Thanks.
Now, when are you gonna go to the doctor? I'm not.
Do you have any idea what that would cost? Who cares? Where I come from, your health comes first.
Yeah, well, where you come from, you have personal drivers, or better yet, a concierge physician.
Why are you acting like this? It's not my fault that your nipple's infected.
What? - Heya! [LAUGHS.]
- Whoa, shit.
Hey.
- Whatcha doing? - Uh, nothing.
I'm gon' go pee-pee.
Cool.
- What's this about? - Oh, uh, youthful rebellion, binge drinking, - and who doesn't love a coupon? - Oh.
- Here comes the bride - Comes the bride - [CACKLES.]
- [VOCALIZES, LAUGHS.]
Look, my finger's engaged to your nipple.
- Whoa! - [SCREAMING.]
Oh, my God.
Maybe I am an alcoholic.
You might be.
I'm so sorry.
I can't believe I did that.
Yeah, it surprised me, too.
First the Post, and now this.
Why am I all of a sudden a magnet for public humiliation and and maiming? The only one that can humiliate you is you.
Who's that? Lao Tzu? Sun Tzu? Shih Tzu? It's me.
I didn't tell anyone that you did it.
You didn't tell me I did it, which is insane.
Where I come from, that kind of stuff trends like hashtag-immediately.
Yeah, well, this isn't where you come from.
It's where you are.
- You again? - Me again.
You're weirdly deep.
Thanks.
No.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Just close the door be I'll get it.
DELILAH: Where they beg all-in for me to sit on I'd sit on that man all day long And play and go whee, whee Aah! Good cuz! How didst thou fare on thy first and inaugural day? Was it wonderfully wondrous? Tell me.
Tell me all.
[CRYING.]
Oh.
[SOBBING.]
There, there.
Let it all out.
[SOBBING.]
Whatever it is, it'll all be fine.
How can you have known me for one day and be nicer to me than the people who were supposed to be in my wedding? [SCOFFS.]
Because you're one of us now.
You're faire-mily.
Oh, I don't know about that.
This feels good.
[GASPS.]
That's your Faire name.
Something "Feelsgood.
" Titania.
Okay, uh Miranda.
Uh - Olivia.
- Ophelia? Hamlet's Ophelia lost her mind.
It seems weirdly appropriate.
There you go.
[LAUGHS.]
Ophelia Feelsgood.
It's perfect.
Hey.
What job around here makes the most money? [LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Huzzah for the tipper! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! Huzzah! - Huzzah! Huzzah for the tipper! More chest, less shoulders.
Huzzah for the tipper.
Better.
We'll work on it.
You know, I thought this would feel degrading, humiliating, and offensive, but I'm actually having fun.
Good! As long as you're not an alcoholic.
That's how we lost Gina.
- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
You don't happen to have a Sharpie, do you? Indeed, mistress.
Behold, the Quill of Permanence.
SHART: But if you don't have any coins, we also accept sexual favors.
DAVID: Please don't put those in the hat.
Uh, they make the coins sticky.
MAN: God save the Queen! MAN 2: God save the Queen! - God save the Queen! - God save the Queen! Stop! Courtiers, halt.
Halt! Oh.
Steady.
Oh, Your Majesty.
Uh, excuse me, but would it be possible if I could get a picture of you with my daughter? [CHUCKLES.]
- Of course.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hello.
Okay.
- Hi, little one.
- Okay.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Oh, thank you, Your Grace.
Come here.
Uh, may I show you something? My mom took this when when I was a baby.
- Oh.
- This is, uh, you holding me.
Indeed.
And how old Never mind.
'Tis a portrait most wondrous.
Thank thee, mistress, and blessings upon you and your most glorious progeny.
Oh, no, please.
That's a copy for you.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
You see how much you mean to people? To some people.
As long as men can breathe or eyes can see, so long lives this.
And this gives life to thee.
So long lives this.
So very, very long.
Ah, this could be yesterday.
Ah, would that it were, for then I could enjoy my reign all over again.
[CHORTLES.]
And especially your friendship.
You're high.
Only a tiny, tiny little bit.
Courtiers, musicians, good gentles all, our parade resumes! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[VIBRATOR BUZZING.]
Keep it clean and dry.
The stitches will dissolve on their own.
And be sure you complete the full course of antibiotics.
Gotcha.
And, uh, how do you feel about aggressive nipple play? For me or for you? [CHUCKLES.]
Ow.
Oh, open up, p-parachute - I've got a lot of livin' to do - [LISPING.]
Oh! Pizzle! - It's me! - Open up, parachute P-Pizzle? Uh David.
When choosin' to see the bird's-eye view Didn't know what I was gettin' into So, did you, like, have to study and stuff - to be Queen? - Please, open up, parachute No, it's an inherited position, like an actual monarchy.
Whoa.
Cool.
Of course I had to study.
Okay.
[BOTH PANTING.]
Um, Elizabeth was called the Virgin Queen, you know.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- So you're a virgin? That's right.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now say it.
Say I'm your dirty virgin queen.
I'm your dirty virgin queen.
Ugh, not you, peasant.
Me! O-Oh.
You're my dirty virgin queen.
Oh, how dare you? Say it again.
You're my dirty virgin queen.
Oh, you naughty little stable boy! [SHRIEKING.]
Oh! Guards, take him away.
He wants to FaceTime.
- [BRETT MOANING.]
- What? Yeah, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah, right there.
Are you out of your mind? You How could you? I'm not having an affair.
I love you.
On our wedding day? [SCREAMS.]
Ugh, theme wedding.
Sorry for interrupting your little wedding here.
FYI, though, he doesn't know what play his own quote's from.
- That is preposterous.
- DAVID: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
She be right! From which play doth the quote come? "Richard II.
" Uh, ffff.
The maid doth speak the truth.
Huzzah! ALL: Huzzah! So, what? You all run around pretending to be Queen Elizabeth and stuff, and people get drunk with nerds? It be their leidenschaft.
It's German for passion.
Do you really want to throw away everything you almost had? I'm not going back with you.
I'm staying.
Here.
Nay.
Hither.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE.]
[INSECT BUZZES.]
[GROANS.]
- [BUZZING STOPS.]
- Ugh.
[VIBRATOR BUZZING.]
What the [MOANING.]
Ah! [GASPING.]
- [CLICK, BUZZING STOPS.]
- [LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Good morrow, cousin.
Good morrow morning.
Where am I? D-Did I - Did we - No! No, no, no.
[SIGHS.]
Just boob stuff.
- What? - I'm kidding! - Oh.
- No, I'm not.
- What? - Yes, I am.
No, I'm not.
[LAUGHING.]
Yes, I am.
Don't worry.
You do have nice boobs, though.
Thanks? Amanda Sophia Klein.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
My roommate, my hero.
When you renounced your life last night so dramatic.
- And then you drank all that Devil's - Scotch.
Right.
How much did I say? Brett is dead to me.
- Terrific.
- Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
I hope my vigorous self-pleasuring provided you a gentle waking.
[CHUCKLES.]
No sweeter music than the stroke of your own strings, am I right? Wait, did you say "roommate"? Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna show you everything.
- Everything? - Mm-hmm.
Hang on.
If we're roommates [GROANS.]
what happened to the person or gimp that used to live here? Don't worry.
She's never around.
You may want to flip the mattress.
This place needs some serious feng shui - or a hazmat team or - [INSECT BUZZES.]
a citronella perimeter.
I'm so excited you're here! [GROANS.]
- Yes.
- [VIBRATING.]
Please tell me that's not your It's Brett.
Shall I? No! I mean no, thank you.
I'll I'll handle it.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Ugh Not everything can be fixed with emojis.
[RING CLINKS.]
Now, want to find your leidenschaft? - Ja.
- I wouldn't touch that hand.
[WATER RUNNING.]
[YELLING, GROANING.]
SHART: Dude, you okay? You okay Oh.
Aah.
Dude, what happened to your nipple ring? Just had an accident last night.
Pretty crazy, right? - Is it? - What do you mean? [CHUCKLES.]
It's a nipple ring.
I mean, the idea of it being torn out must have crossed your mind at some point.
The idea of crashing my car's crossed my mind, but I still drive.
Not with your nipple.
Yeah.
So you, uh, hook up with that new girl again? What, Amanda? No, nothing happened.
Two nights ago, she got wasted and passed out on my floor.
So now you got that to deal with.
W-What? What do you mean? Dude, if you take in a stray, it's not a stray anymore.
- It's your dog.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
She's not my dog.
I don't believe in pets, not even comfort animals.
Yeah, well, at least she's a cute dog.
Yeah.
What's your Faire name gonna be? Like, mine's Prunella Bubblebottom because I'm a washer wench.
We sing songs, make dirty jokes, we get wet, and our audiences have the best, best time, because they're in the splash zone.
- Like at SeaWorld.
- That's whales.
We're wenches.
It's different.
- But - It's different.
- [FACETIME RINGING.]
- Mm.
- Wi-Fi! - Yeah.
It lives near the office.
But don't move.
It's shy, like a baby deer.
I'll see you at the well, sister.
And don't forget to think of your Faire name.
Nice work, Amanda.
Mom's so up my butt about you, I've got a stress zit.
Hi, Erin.
I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.
Ugh, not everything is about you.
How about my life blowing up? Can that be about me? Oh, no, no, no.
Do not play the victim.
You're the one who blew it up.
It's like ISIS declared jihad on dream weddings and sent you in first.
I didn't blow it up.
Brett blew it up by being Classic Amanda.
Can't take responsibility for anything.
Oh, and you can shred your black card.
Mom's cutting you off.
I am taking responsibility, and I am the victim.
And you know what? You can tell Mom to keep her emotional blood money.
I'm getting a job here.
- You're what? - Joanntha? [CHUCKLES.]
You're I'm sorry.
Say that What Ama Stop, you're No, Ama - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Erin.
Wait, you know my mom's name? You talked a lot last night.
Stupid scotch.
From now on, I'm strictly gay for rosé.
- Whoa.
- What? - My nipple ring.
- You have a nipple ring, - like a fancy cow? - [CHUCKLES.]
Not since last night.
You don't remember? My crazy accident? Ugh, no.
Again, I have to plead scotch.
That's two nights in a row for you.
You think I have a drinking problem? Is alcohol your usual coping mechanism? - No! - Okay.
I do not have a problem.
- Okay.
- I don't.
I said okay.
You said okay like five times.
Why are you counting okays? Hey, lover.
Uh, hey.
Uh, Amanda, this is Callie.
- Hi.
- Hmm.
- Um, I got the kambo.
- What's kambo? Amazonian frog venom.
It's for my nipple.
That doesn't need venom.
[CHUCKLES.]
That needs stitches.
- Ah, it's not that bad.
- You work in a mud pit, and that's an open wound.
Are you Are you crazy? I love what I do.
Your need to be seen is profound.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- LEE: [CHUCKLING.]
Ohh, man.
Hi.
I'm Amanda.
Are you hiring? You have any felonies? No.
Then we're hiring.
Awesome.
What's your dramaturgy situation? I have a degree in English from Vassar.
Yeah, we've already got like six dramaturgists on staff.
Okay.
I'm also good at Word and, uh, Adobe Creative Suite a-and Hey, hi.
Eyes up here.
Oh, I was just wondering if maybe a bodice would kind of - What? - make things pop.
Ugh.
Offensive much? I'm here to work, not make it rain.
Okay, Vassar, lighten up.
You ever worked in food service? Summers on the Cape, I was a hostess at the Landfall in Woods Hole classic surf and turf, occasional Kennedy.
So I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty.
Perfect.
You're hired.
This isn't meant to be, you know.
It never was.
And yet, perhaps the impossibility is what made it possible.
Like the mighty salmon thrusting itself against the surging stream, determined to spawn, whatever the cost.
But do not weep.
You shall find this again.
Well, not this, this, but perhaps this-adjacent.
Who's Jason? Oh, my sweet, simple boy.
I am the Queen.
You park cars.
A titillating pornographic premise we explored most vigorously but has now concluded.
Exeunt omnes.
We're over, José.
You can go.
Okay.
- Want to smoke out? - No.
- Later? - No.
Want to hook up after work? I literally just dumped you.
Okay.
In case you change your mind.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
- Hey, dude.
- Good morning.
Felipé? [SCOFFS.]
José, you racist.
I'm not racist.
I don't recall his name because I refuse to commit useful brain cells to some temporary toad in your hole.
Well, then, you'll be glad to know I ended it.
The poor dear, he was beside himself.
Really? He seemed Devastated, as if I'd extinguished the light that burned behind his eyes.
Pretty dim light.
All right, you've had your fun.
No, I haven't, actually.
We completely missed Leah Remini's marathon last night so you could get your fields plowed.
Again with the stereotypes.
What stereotypes? Fields.
Plowed.
José.
[SCOFFS.]
That was a euphemism for sex.
That has nothing to do with Okay, now I hear it.
MAN: Well, I wish you the best of luck.
[PLOP.]
MAN 2: Milady, Mother has blessed you.
Come, sir, handle my jugs.
I see by your lady you have experience.
In sooth, I wager you could handle a pair of jugs.
- Am I correct, mistress? - He sure can.
Oh, well, come, then.
I'll show you my jugs, and you show me yours.
This place is insane.
It's like, "What if super-horny nerds designed an amusement park?" So what? Without "super-horny nerds," there'd be no movies, no music, no Internet, just football and pharmaceutical reps.
My fiancé's brother's a pharm You mean your ex-fiancé, the one whose hooker you bloodied? - Hey, you had a lot to say last night.
- Yeah, so I hear.
Tankards and flagons and jugs for sale! Suck on my jugs, they'll fill you with ale.
Seriously, I'm the only one who finds that skeevy? You and the puritans.
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
It's just one big, beautiful community full of love and acceptance.
It brought me Stephen.
How long have you two been together? Oh, is it, uh, three Faires, babe? Mm-hmm.
Well, my husband, Phil, met him first.
They bonded over their love of craft beers and then over their love of me.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Wait, I'm sorry.
You're not Who's your husband? Oh, let's see.
Where's Phil? Oh, uh, t-there he is.
He's right between the pub and the Hump Stump.
- Babe.
Babe! - Hey.
Hey, Phil.
So sorry.
Did you say "the Hump Stump"? Oh, yeah.
It's a popular after-hours spot for Rennies to you know, love in the open air.
- "The Giving Tree," unabridged.
- Phil hates it.
To be fair, it did give him a massive splinter.
That was a nightmare, it's true.
Babe, I'm looking for my Kindle.
- Phil said you had it last? - Yes, yes, yes.
It's in my yellow It's easier if I just get it for you.
Do you think you can handle the booth for 10 minutes on your own? I graduated summa cum laude.
I think I can handle pork pockets.
- Okay.
- JUAN ANDRÃS: Tankards and flagons - and jugs for sale! - Let's go.
One pork pocket, please.
Sure.
[GASPS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I'll get a turkey leg.
With this sword, I dub thee Sir Daryl, Knight of the Realm.
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Your Majesty, a word posthaste.
Posthaste now? Indeed, that being what posthaste doth mean.
What have I told you about the Shake-splaing? I dub these Lady Maya, Dame of County Essex.
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
I think I just saw Colin.
- Colin Hayes? - Don't worry.
I'll make sure you won't have to talk to him.
Oh, Colin did eight seasons here as Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester.
He's entitled to visit.
I dub thee Sir Jayden, Knight of the Realm! Is he also entitled to tempt and torment you? Last time he visited, I had to spoon you so long - our clothes stuck together.
- [SCOFFS.]
Did you know he'd be here and deliberately not tell me? Oh, please.
Brian.
Deliberately.
You did know.
So that's why you broke things off with Jorgé.
I dub thee Lady Alexa, Dame of County Hamilton! It's José, and so what? One can't mount two productions on the same stage.
You intend to mount? It's a metaphor.
It's a synonym.
- Jesus.
- Food service, no bueno.
- What else you got? - Uh, okay, uh Boothie.
Crafter.
Gamer.
You're probably too small to be a push monkey.
A push monkey? Yeah, the guys that push the swings and stuff.
- They run the rides.
- And they're referred to - as monkeys.
- Yeah, well, it's that or motion-generating entertainment specialists.
I'm kidding.
It's monkeys.
WOMAN: God save the Queen! [PEOPLE CHEERING.]
Your Grace.
I am most humbled to be in your presence this day.
Arise, good sir.
Hast thou e'er been told you do resemble Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester, who once did frequent this shire? It hath been remarked upon.
I am told he was thought quite handsome.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Uh, but today, I am Claudius Hollyband, if it please you.
Linguist, philologist, and lexicographer.
Ah.
A weaver of words, then? A weaver of words, a student of syntax, a parser of paragraphs.
Indeed.
Then you would be well acquainted with terms such as "miscreant," "vagabond," and "lothario"? Academically, which be far different than were I to be termed a "contumelious pantywaist dilettante.
" Uh Well played, good sirs, well played.
Such sporting wit.
Your Grace, if I may beg a boon, I would a word with you, uh, alone.
Really? An' it would please me But we must away, for our Queen's appointments are many and her hours few.
Yea, but the joust is not until 1:00 and 30.
Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
Anon, Master Holly-bland.
- But - I said anon.
[SIGHS.]
Really? Three hours? That's the line.
"Merry Wives of Windsor.
" More like "Bored Wives of Windsor.
" Holding his sword but bereft of his shield Oh? Oh.
Aw.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- the valiant young knight - told the dragon to - Yield! Why not stop? Yield seems like it's delaying things.
- So do you.
- Oh, that's because I know what's coming.
We all do.
It's why they have garbage bags.
Oh.
Can I have one? If your performance stays at this level, absolutely.
- Ohh! - [LAUGHTER.]
But the dragon was cunning and clever and smart.
He laid down, turned around, and spewed forth a great Shart! Aah! Aah.
Ah.
[LAUGHTER.]
And so ends our tale of bravery and wit.
But mostly of jokes that were all about clever wordplay.
[LAUGHTER.]
Thank you, thank you, lords and ladies.
Gramercy.
If thou didst enjoy the show, please put something in the hat.
Even small coins, they, uh they make a difference.
But if you don't have any coins, we also accept sexual favors.
Please don't put those in the hat.
Uh, they make the coins sticky.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey.
- You okay? - Tip-top.
Yeah, but nip not top.
Let me get you some of Lulu's breast milk to put on it.
- Stuff will cure cancer.
- Don't have cancer.
- Mm, fixed my ear infection.
- Don't have an ear infection.
- It's good in coffee - Stop.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're You're hot.
Go rest.
No.
Pizzle Wanksworth Humpsalot, you'll do as you're told.
Fine.
Fine.
- Hey, whatcha lookin' at? - No! Ain't you ever seen anybody workin' like that? - Mama, he he's pushing me! - Hey, whatcha lookin' at? Ain't you ever seen anybody workin' like that? - Leave me alone! - Hey, whatcha lookin' at? Ain't you ever seen anybody workin' like that? - He's not leaving me alone! - Hey, whatcha lookin' at? Ain't you ever seen anybody workin' like that? See Jane work, work, work, Jane work, work See Jane work, work Ain't you ever seen anybody workin' like that? See Jane work, work, work, Jane work, work Come on, got a thing, thing, come on, come on, come on Can you feel me, can you feel me? Can you feel me? Come on, come on, come on Can you feel me, can you feel me? Work, Jane, work, huh! - Hope he feels better.
- Thanks.
Oh, uh Huzzah for the tipper! - Never gets old.
- [GIGGLES.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Look, Mommy.
What is this? No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, uh, hey, no, ooh, ooh, ah, ah.
This be a sheep's bladder.
Like a balloon? Yes! Like a balloon! Blow it up.
Blow it up, blow it up, blow it up.
[COUGHS.]
CALLIE: And now the ring of six.
[GRUNTS, SIGHS.]
Would you prefer to use my saliva or yours? Go for it.
[SPITS.]
[GROANING.]
Stick? [GROANING.]
I don't want to talk about it.
CALLIE: From here, the venom will find the wound.
Stick.
I know, but you try telling him.
Repeat after me.
- "I am the light.
" - I am the light.
- "I am the spirit.
" - I am spirit.
That the freaking Amazonian frog venom? Stick.
Oh, yo, did you get that aspirin? Damn it.
I'm sorry, man.
I had a situa tion.
You don't need aspirin.
You have me.
"I am the soul.
" Yeah, baby, you know you are.
No, repeat.
"I am the soul.
" Maybe I need a real doctor.
Define "real.
" [VOMITS.]
Good.
It's working.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Will you stop being a blocker? Stop being a gawker.
Colin walked out on you.
Now he gets to walk back in? Enough, I say.
Enough, enough, enough! Stand down, Malvolio.
I'm a big girl.
The day's announcements, Your Majesty.
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
Lords and ladies, gentles all, I do entreat you to join me this day at our Royal Joust, where our bravest knights battle for honor and glory.
[APPLAUSE.]
Today, we honor Lady Linda Sippey and Lord Eric Fundling upon their fourth anniversary.
- Month.
- Month-iversary.
Fourth monthiversary.
A full 120 days.
Huzzah.
- Huzzah! - Huzzah! Duchess Carol Denbo is here celebrating her 60th natal day.
- Huzzah! - Huzzah! Congratulations to Joseph Oswald for coming out to his grandparents, visiting from the colony of Maine.
- Very brave, sir Joseph.
- ALL: Huzzah! Vanessa Ho-Chin, we commend your passing of the bar.
- ALL: Huzzah! - And finally, we celebrate love with the betrothal of Lady Emily Shaw to Lord Colin Hayes.
- Huzzah! - Huzzah! Uh, water.
I need water.
Uh [APPLAUSE.]
Congratulations to all.
And brevity being the soul of wit, lay on, MacDuff, for all the world's a stage, right? Now jousters to joust and musicians to play, as I, Will Shakespeare, will away.
[CONFUSED FANFARE PLAYING.]
[SNIFFLES, SIGHS.]
That's what he wanted to talk to me about.
- Maggie - You should have let him.
And if I'd known, I would have.
Maybe.
[SIGHS.]
My intention was to not let you get hurt again.
Good intentions.
They never fail to screw me over.
And what if he had spoken to you? - What would it have changed? - Well, I could have I would have had some warning.
[SCOFFS.]
Yes.
Warning that the man who broke your heart was back to rub your nose in it, publicly? He's such a dick.
Always was.
So why do I keep looking back and wondering, "What if?" Because he's the who got away.
He didn't get away.
I let him go.
Off to the suburbs to a regular job and a-a regular life.
You could have gone with him and had it, too.
But you chose Queen and country over a convenient and conventional union, just like the real Elizabeth.
Probably die like her, too bald and surrounded by pugs.
But beloved, forever beloved.
Victoria had the pugs, not Elizabeth.
- Oh, damn it, Brian.
- Sorry.
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
Stay.
I got it.
BRIAN: Ladies and gentlemen, to the joust! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! [FACETIME RINGING.]
Kombucha? Jesus, Cyril.
Okay.
Gross.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't panic.
It's organic.
- Ew.
- What, you got something - against manure? - Got something for it? Yeah.
- Funk of the earth, huh? - [RETCHES.]
What begins as grass becomes the power of those beasties' mighty haunches, becomes speed, and then, once expelled, becomes grass again.
So Kombucha? I foraged the rose hips myself.
And hard pass.
[FACETIME RINGING.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, my God.
It doesn't recognize me.
My phone doesn't know who I am.
Look at me.
Look at me! Does my face not look like my face? Oof, scoby's off.
[SIGHS.]
[FACETIME CONTINUES RINGING.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Hey.
Hey what? Hey, I'm sorry? Hey, I love you? Hey, can we work things out? Can you just stop saying hey? I can't with the hay right now.
You look different good different.
Like, earthy.
Thanks? Yeah, no, I Look, I'm beyond sorry that what I did upset you.
[ROOSTER CROWS.]
But I also know that we're better together - and that it takes two to make a - "Thing go right"? - I swear to God, Brett - That it takes two to make a relationship work, to share in its joys, but also to shoulder its burdens.
What kind of TED Talk bull are you on, Brett? Shoulder its burdens? You cheated on me on our wedding day.
Why should I shoulder that burden? - Because we're a couple.
- Yeah, which means two, not two and then the occasional out-of-network beej.
WOMAN: Bonjour, monsieur.
Tout est d'accord ? - Oh, my God.
- Merci.
Are you in St.
Barts? Are you on our honeymoon?! Dr.
Bloom after said after a major emotional trauma to prioritize self-care.
And the tickets were non-refundable - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I am not done yelling at you! Oh, come on, data plan.
Come on, Wi-Fi.
Oh.
My kingdom for some Wi-Fi! Yes.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Finally.
[LINE RINGING.]
Coward! I hope you go on our scuba excursion and get raped by an electric eel.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Oh, my God.
Amanda.
You guys, it's Amanda.
- Oh! - Oh! Hi! Hi.
Morgan - [WOMEN SHRIEKING.]
- We're getting drinks.
Miss you, bitch.
Ugh.
Mocktails.
So over it.
- Morgan? - How's rehab? MORGAN: Lexi, she's not in rehab.
That's just what we're saying.
Did you Lexi, stop waving the phone around.
I just want to see.
Lex Lexi.
[SIGHS.]
Morgan, take the phone from Lexi.
- Ohh.
- Hi.
Okay.
I just spoke to Brett.
About the story the Post? I know.
I saw.
But don't worry.
Honestly, I didn't share it, and don't freak out about the comments.
It's not a big deal.
It's gonna be fine.
- That's not what I was gonna say.
- I didn't share it, either, and and truly, people have moved on.
You know the Central Park polar bear, the one with autism? He drowned.
- [GASPS.]
He drowned? - Yeah.
I'm not calling about the Post! Hey, I also didn't share.
And I know this is a weird time, but are you reimbursing us for the bridesmaid dresses? No.
Did you guys know that Brett is on my our honeymoon? I'm sorry.
I didn't know we weren't supposed - to share the story.
- Give Morgan the - I feel bad.
- Give the phone to Morgan.
But it got a bunch of likes and a ton of sad faces, and - those are hard to do, because - All right, all right, all right.
What Lexi? Morgan.
Are you guys there? Are you there?! Hey.
Would you mind turning the volume down just a touch? I'm trying to nap.
I need a drink.
So this is your usual coping mechanism.
I am not an alcoholic.
People who buy Sour Apple vodka are alcoholics.
Oh, I'm glad to see that you're taking things seriously on your first day.
Says the guy who was napping.
I was trying to just recover enough so that I could do the last show.
Ew.
Yeah, you need to get that looked at.
When I was working at Refinery29, I had an alarming lump, and I had to take the whole week off.
'Cause they thought you had cancer? No, but I did.
It was a fatty lipoma.
Benign.
And apparently hereditary.
Cheers to a lifetime of outpatient fatty lipoma removals.
Um, I don't know, sorry? Thanks.
Now, when are you gonna go to the doctor? I'm not.
Do you have any idea what that would cost? Who cares? Where I come from, your health comes first.
Yeah, well, where you come from, you have personal drivers, or better yet, a concierge physician.
Why are you acting like this? It's not my fault that your nipple's infected.
What? - Heya! [LAUGHS.]
- Whoa, shit.
Hey.
- Whatcha doing? - Uh, nothing.
I'm gon' go pee-pee.
Cool.
- What's this about? - Oh, uh, youthful rebellion, binge drinking, - and who doesn't love a coupon? - Oh.
- Here comes the bride - Comes the bride - [CACKLES.]
- [VOCALIZES, LAUGHS.]
Look, my finger's engaged to your nipple.
- Whoa! - [SCREAMING.]
Oh, my God.
Maybe I am an alcoholic.
You might be.
I'm so sorry.
I can't believe I did that.
Yeah, it surprised me, too.
First the Post, and now this.
Why am I all of a sudden a magnet for public humiliation and and maiming? The only one that can humiliate you is you.
Who's that? Lao Tzu? Sun Tzu? Shih Tzu? It's me.
I didn't tell anyone that you did it.
You didn't tell me I did it, which is insane.
Where I come from, that kind of stuff trends like hashtag-immediately.
Yeah, well, this isn't where you come from.
It's where you are.
- You again? - Me again.
You're weirdly deep.
Thanks.
No.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Just close the door be I'll get it.
DELILAH: Where they beg all-in for me to sit on I'd sit on that man all day long And play and go whee, whee Aah! Good cuz! How didst thou fare on thy first and inaugural day? Was it wonderfully wondrous? Tell me.
Tell me all.
[CRYING.]
Oh.
[SOBBING.]
There, there.
Let it all out.
[SOBBING.]
Whatever it is, it'll all be fine.
How can you have known me for one day and be nicer to me than the people who were supposed to be in my wedding? [SCOFFS.]
Because you're one of us now.
You're faire-mily.
Oh, I don't know about that.
This feels good.
[GASPS.]
That's your Faire name.
Something "Feelsgood.
" Titania.
Okay, uh Miranda.
Uh - Olivia.
- Ophelia? Hamlet's Ophelia lost her mind.
It seems weirdly appropriate.
There you go.
[LAUGHS.]
Ophelia Feelsgood.
It's perfect.
Hey.
What job around here makes the most money? [LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Huzzah for the tipper! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! Huzzah! - Huzzah! Huzzah for the tipper! More chest, less shoulders.
Huzzah for the tipper.
Better.
We'll work on it.
You know, I thought this would feel degrading, humiliating, and offensive, but I'm actually having fun.
Good! As long as you're not an alcoholic.
That's how we lost Gina.
- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
You don't happen to have a Sharpie, do you? Indeed, mistress.
Behold, the Quill of Permanence.
SHART: But if you don't have any coins, we also accept sexual favors.
DAVID: Please don't put those in the hat.
Uh, they make the coins sticky.
MAN: God save the Queen! MAN 2: God save the Queen! - God save the Queen! - God save the Queen! Stop! Courtiers, halt.
Halt! Oh.
Steady.
Oh, Your Majesty.
Uh, excuse me, but would it be possible if I could get a picture of you with my daughter? [CHUCKLES.]
- Of course.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hello.
Okay.
- Hi, little one.
- Okay.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Oh, thank you, Your Grace.
Come here.
Uh, may I show you something? My mom took this when when I was a baby.
- Oh.
- This is, uh, you holding me.
Indeed.
And how old Never mind.
'Tis a portrait most wondrous.
Thank thee, mistress, and blessings upon you and your most glorious progeny.
Oh, no, please.
That's a copy for you.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
You see how much you mean to people? To some people.
As long as men can breathe or eyes can see, so long lives this.
And this gives life to thee.
So long lives this.
So very, very long.
Ah, this could be yesterday.
Ah, would that it were, for then I could enjoy my reign all over again.
[CHORTLES.]
And especially your friendship.
You're high.
Only a tiny, tiny little bit.
Courtiers, musicians, good gentles all, our parade resumes! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[VIBRATOR BUZZING.]
Keep it clean and dry.
The stitches will dissolve on their own.
And be sure you complete the full course of antibiotics.
Gotcha.
And, uh, how do you feel about aggressive nipple play? For me or for you? [CHUCKLES.]
Ow.
Oh, open up, p-parachute - I've got a lot of livin' to do - [LISPING.]
Oh! Pizzle! - It's me! - Open up, parachute P-Pizzle? Uh David.
When choosin' to see the bird's-eye view Didn't know what I was gettin' into So, did you, like, have to study and stuff - to be Queen? - Please, open up, parachute No, it's an inherited position, like an actual monarchy.
Whoa.
Cool.
Of course I had to study.
Okay.
[BOTH PANTING.]
Um, Elizabeth was called the Virgin Queen, you know.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- So you're a virgin? That's right.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now say it.
Say I'm your dirty virgin queen.
I'm your dirty virgin queen.
Ugh, not you, peasant.
Me! O-Oh.
You're my dirty virgin queen.
Oh, how dare you? Say it again.
You're my dirty virgin queen.
Oh, you naughty little stable boy! [SHRIEKING.]
Oh! Guards, take him away.