American Princess (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

Down There

1 Previously on "American Princess" And you can shred your Black Card.
- Mom's cutting you off.
- You know what? You can tell Mom to keep her emotional blood money.
- I'm getting a job here.
- You're what? You're hired.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Huzzah for the tipper! Look, I'm beyond sorry that what I did upset you.
Are you on our honeymoon? Oh, my God.
Amanda.
You guys, it's Amanda.
Oh.
Hi! I just spoke to Brett.
- How's rehab? - MORGAN: Lexi, she's not in rehab.
- That's just what we're saying.
- I know this is a weird time, but are you reimbursing us for the bridesmaid dresses? What? No.
[SOBBING] How can you have known me for one day and be nicer to me than the people who were supposed to be in my wedding? The man who broke your heart was back to rub your nose in it, publicly? He's such a dick.
Always was.
[WATER RUNNING] - [DELILAH MOANING] - [VIBRATOR BUZZING] [LAUGHING] [BANGING] [MOANING CONTINUES] - [SIGHS] - [BUZZING STOPS] Morning.
[YAWNS] Ew.
[SIGHS] Huh? [WATER RUNNING] Oh.
[GROANS] [MAGGIE SOBBING] Hi.
Uh, excuse me.
Do you think I could maybe borrow some shampoo? [WATER STOPS] Ooh! [GASPS] Excuse me.
Hey.
Are you okay? - It sounded like you were - Upset? Yes.
I saw a spider, but it was washed down the drain before I could rescue it.
Nature is a bitch.
Well, maybe when the sun comes up, it'll climb up the spout again.
You're not supposed to be in here.
I thought this was a communal shower, like at Camp Mischpocheh.
This is my private shower time.
You can reserve private shower time? - Where's the sign-up sheet? - There is no sign-up sheet.
There is seniority and time spent and a position earned.
- But I-I guessed - Out.
So, she's the queen of the bathroom, too? She's the queen of everything.
Well, she sure ain't the queen of waxing salon.
I just can't shake the visual of her hair-ea.
I'm not saying everyone should get a Brazil, but they should at least get out of Romania.
I once let my armpit hair grow out to see if I could braid it.
[CHUCKLES] Could you? I couldn't.
It kept curling up.
- So, Maggie was mad? - She wasn't happy.
- Oh.
That's not good.
- Why not? Because.
Maggie's approval means everything.
It means better shower time.
It means more beer tickets.
Oh, and if she really likes you, she'll let you take a nap on the sheepskin rug in her tent.
[SNIFFS, GASPS] Honeysuckle.
Oats and grapefruit gobblers.
Oh, Fairemily breakfast.
Oh! Sorry.
So sorry.
Stick.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Oh, hey, Sugar Shack.
- Hey.
- Omelets.
Awesome.
Are there onions? And I'll have whatever cheese you've got, but light.
Too much dairy is Well, you get it.
Yep.
I got it.
Oh, leave that flame so I get it.
We cook for ourselves with the food we buy ourselves, princess.
That's "pub wench" to you.
What, you only know how to make reservations? - Rude and vaguely anti-Semitic.
- How about this? I will make a double-sized cheddar-and-ham for myself, and I'll give you half on credit.
Thank you.
No ham in mine, though, unless you can assure me that the meat is sustainably farm - Ham is fine.
- Mm-hmm.
And I'm guessing that there aren't any egg whites? Got it, no.
Cool.
It's co It's cool.
Oh! Look at you all dressed in clothes.
Amanda said you were crying this morning.
[SIGHS] When I get sad, I think about fish.
Don't focus on the plastic they eat.
Think about their adorable faces.
- Ugh.
I'm off to Faire workshop.
- You're going to that, too? - Great.
I was gonna maybe stop by.
- Ugh.
Uh, FYI Maggie teaches the workshop, - and it's mandatory for newbs.
- Even for pub wenches? We mainly just pour beer and jiggle.
We like our peripheral employees to stay consistent with proper Elizabethan dialect, syntax, behavior as best they can.
- Peripheral? - Superfluous, extraneous, nonessential.
- I know what peripheral means.
- Well, you should shine, then.
Do you sleep in that? DAVID: Whoa, all garbed up? I thought you were going to a radio station.
- Thanks.
- I am.
To be on the radio.
I am representing the Faire as William Shakespeare.
It's fun for the disc jockeys.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I love the school spirit.
You go knock 'em dead, son.
I shall.
- You going to Maggie's workshop? - Can't.
Me and Shart are gonna paper the town with Ren Faire fliers, you know, drum up the locals? Radio gigs and fliers really leaning into this Dark Ages - branding in every way.
- You know, the Dark Ages was actually a few hundred years before the - The Renaissance.
I know.
- Mm-hmm.
I was being nonliteral.
I'll be on the air in 47 minutes in case you want to hear how it's done.
[DOOR CLOSES] Shakespeare wore a smartwatch? Eh, man was fastidious about his 10,000 steps a day.
I do.
ALL: I do.
Thou dost.
Thou dost.
Huzzah! Huzzah! Now, I couldn't help but overhear multiple examples of dropped Elizabethan phrasing last weekend.
Whether you are serving food or fitting corsets, you are part of one cohesive show here, people our show.
- For instance - Hey, Natasha It is not a smartphone, it is a tiny, portable - Did I miss anything? - No.
Just Elizabeth telling us we suck at Elizabethan.
Good day, mistress.
How gracious of thee to join us.
Sorry.
There was a crazy line for the privies.
- And who do I - As I was saying, I've noticed some slacking.
Ow.
- You okay? - Cramps.
Oh, I'm sure someone around here has ibuprofen.
- Oh, no, babe.
I don't do pills.
- She doesn't do pills.
I'm saying, "Natasha doesn't do pills.
" That's right.
It is our responsibility to live, breathe, - and speak British history.
- Ooh.
I know a ton about British history and the East London club scene.
- Awesome.
- As townsfolk of Shropshire, seeing the Queen Elizabeth in person would be the greatest honor you could ever have.
- [COUGHS] - And you must pay the appropriate respect.
The only person I bow down to in real life is Beyoncé.
Slay.
We show deference by kneeling, by bowing, by curtsying.
- Who's first? - Ooh! Cardio Barre has me curtsying like a boss.
Natasha, maker of the pockets of pork, come forth.
Defer to your queen.
Ow.
- [APPLAUSE] - MAGGIE: Most excellent.
Callie, nurturer of horses.
I mostly brush and ride, but okay.
- [APPLAUSE] - Lovely.
Very, very lithe.
Juan Andrés, purveyor of fine flagons.
Hail and well met, Your Majesty.
- What the fo - [LAUGHTER] One punch takes out the both of you.
One.
[SIGHS] Okay, you.
Beguile us.
- Actually, I was thinking - Oh, f You know how the queen would literally never cross paths with a pub wench in an open-air bar where they serve cocktails like "Gimlet, Prince of Denmark"? So how fun would it be if, instead, one of the queen's guards, or whatever, fell in love with the pub wench and he invited her to serve the queen at her throne? Fun, right? Oh, and Like a palsied seal.
- Moving on.
- W-Wait.
What about my idea? Let's stick with the scenarios we already do, all right? I pass.
You lower yourself.
We give our guests the immersive experience of a queen and her queendom.
- But - Shh.
That's enough.
Sit.
Damn, girl.
You sassed Beyoncé.
Lord Mason, prostrate thyself.
- Did she say "prostate"? - [BOTH CHUCKLE] Mason, bow! Bravo.
And that's how we do it.
Drew sleep out of mine eyes, blood from my cheeks, musings into my mind, and finding little comfort to relieve them.
- [SNORING] - Uh-oh.
She's out.
[BOTH LAUGH] I thought it princely charity to grieve them.
[HEAVY METAL VERSION OF "GREENSLEEVES" PLAYS] - Ooh! - Ah! More cowbell! - [RIM SHOT] - [LAUGHTER] Oh, man.
Good radio.
Well done.
Yeah, that rhymes.
Oh, for all of you who think you accidentally tuned to NPR, it's worse than that We're talking the Ren Faire.
- Ooh! - No offense, Mr.
Shakespeare, Bill, if I may, Billy, uh, but that was boring.
That was really, really boring.
Am I right? I mean, that was more boring than a one-woman improv show.
- Excuse me.
I did improv.
- Yeah, and then I I rescued you from that, and now you do radio.
Your poem made me dry down thur.
- [LAUGHS] - Whoa! No.
You did not just go thur.
- Love you, mean it.
- [AS BORAT] She's my sister.
She's number-four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.
Nice.
[LAUGHTER] Um, actually, I-it's not a poem.
It's a scene from "Pericles, Prince of Tyre," who flees Antioch - [MUSIC RESUMES] - Whoo! [LAUGHS] Oh! Ooh, uh, quick question.
On a serious note, does Pericles have both of his testicl-ees, or is that a different "Shakespeare story"? Great question.
Uh He has two balls or not two balls? - [LAUGHS] - That is the castration.
I-I-I don't believe [AS VITO CORLEONE] I'm gonna make an offer he can't refuse.
[LAUGHTER] He is killing me today.
Was that "The Godfather"? - How you hung down there, Willy? - Ooh.
[AS AUSTIN POWERS] Yeah, baby.
Uh, I-I-I'm sorry.
I-I-I don't know.
T-T-That's actually a good question because anybody that dresses like that has got to be pretty confident in other areas, right? Ooh.
Careful there, Bacon.
You're makin' my tinklebox sizzle.
Oh, snap, Chode.
She said "sizzle.
" - [SIZZLING] - Oh, Schnapps shots.
ALL: [CHANTING] Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, - Schnapps.
- It's 9:52 in the morning.
It is somewhere, right? [AS JOHN KIMBLE] Stop whining.
Stop whining.
Who knew Shakespeare was so uptight, huh? Maybe it's his tights.
They're squeezin' on those testicl-ees.
- [LAUGHTER] - His testi Are the tights tight? - On your On your balls.
- Boo-yah! Mmm! All right.
Let's take some calls.
No one from nowhere, you're not on the line.
We've lost all of our listeners.
They're all gone.
[LAUGHTER] ALL: Sister, help to trim the sails Hallelujah [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Ah! [LAUGHS] [LAUGHTER] I'm okay! [LAUGHING] Whoo! Oh, my hero.
It's a hot dog on a stick.
Get it? Stick? It's a veggie dog.
Meat is murder.
You talk? - You've heard me talk.
- I've heard you say "stick.
" I mean, everyone here does such amazing things.
What's with the stick shtick? [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Oh! Wha? You should do more of that.
First I must master the stick.
Hey, man.
You got any more of that oregano oil? When I can't hit the high C, I know I got a cold coming on.
- Totes.
- Yeah.
Milady.
My debt to you is growing.
Aye, tell me more.
Oh.
Mmm.
I needed this.
- I mean, I don't needit.
It's - Mm-hmm.
just refreshing.
Uh-huh.
Stick can talk.
- You've heard him talk.
- I But Never mind.
Where's Callie? Oh, she's teaching G-Spot Awareness to Shart's wife and a couple other gals.
You're a lucky man.
Yeah, it's 'cause I never walk under ladders.
Maggie hates me.
No.
She just hates all the things you do and say.
The normal response would be, "No, she doesn't.
" I just don't get it.
People always like me.
I have the most-watched Insta stories of all my friends.
- [CHUCKLES] - What? Uh, you do tend to To "No, but" a lot.
This is more of a-a "Yes, and" kind of place.
No, I don't.
But I Wait.
What? You're in Maggie's house.
You just gotta take your shoes off at the door.
Even if they make the outfit? What, so I'm just supposed to kiss her ass? Just play along, like what we do in the faireground.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Ah, okay.
Okay.
- My sweet lady.
- Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [ALL CHEER] - I love this part.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
Thou art a vision.
Um, okay.
When last I did see thee, ye were portly and covered in warts - and hairs.
- [CHUCKLING] Oh! And thy stench was whoa.
- [LAUGHTER] - Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Uh - But now - [LAUGHS] I see thee hast transformed into a most beauteous and wondrous creature.
Thy tresses, thy lips, thy cheeks Ye must have paid a great wizard quite a price for such a strong spell of boundless beauty.
MAN: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! - Got it.
- Oh, wow.
That was thick.
Ah! [ALL CHEERING] - All right.
- Bravo! If I said any of that to Maggie, she'd think I was hitting on her, and she's not really my type.
I mean, there was this one time that I kissed my friend Lexi after prom, but Boy, do I want to hear this story, but let's just focus on this.
Um, what's the first thing that you think of when you look at me? - Your body.
- Your body.
- [LAUGHTER] - All right.
All right.
Okay.
- MAN: It is.
- All right.
Well, uh, let's try that.
- Try your body? - Yes.
Try to endow my body.
Oh.
- Endow it? But Well, how specific - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- do I have to be? - I am waiting.
Okay.
Okay.
Geez.
[ALL "OOHING"] [MAN TRILLS TONGUE] Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Use your hands.
Uh Put your whole body into it.
Woo me.
[LAUGHS] Thy Louder! Wouldst that I were the sun glistening upon thy back? - Ah.
- Ooh! [CHATTER INTENSIFIES] [LAUGHTER] But not for too long because melanoma? - [LAUGHTER] - It's a strong start.
Okay.
All right.
- It's the first go.
- Strong Strong start.
In sooth? No.
- Oh.
- MAN: Boo.
It It fell off there at the end.
How about Tulum? There was just a mass murder there, so it'll be dirt cheap.
Are you scrolling through resort porn to take your mind off Colin, or are we actually going on this trip? Because if we are, it's Dusseldorf or bust.
Colin has been blocked and deleted.
- Are we elitist? - Oh, God, yes.
It's one of the things I love about us.
No.
I-I mean in an insufferable way.
Blue cheese olive? One blue cheese and one regular on the side.
And being elitist isn't a bad thing.
Societies need a pecking order.
Otherwise, we'd peck each other to death.
[CHEERING IN DISTANCE] Ugh, fools.
Should we go out there? Why? Maybe we're missing out.
Have you been using the weighted blanket I bought you with that podcast code? - Could be fun.
- Oh, we have fun.
Remember when we drank fuzzy navels and watched "Call Me By Your Name"? - Yeah.
- Hmm.
[SIGHS] Those idiot deejays today made me feel like I was back in a high-school locker room.
"Oh.
There's Brian, the Pillsbury Doughboy.
" I liked the testicl-ees joke.
[CHUCKLES] You know, I once got locked overnight in my high school's equipment shed after hiding there during P.
E.
- I detest sheds.
- It was terrifying.
But I did finish "The Canterbury Tales.
" I had a penlight.
Oh, "Canterbury Tales," the original "Fifty Shades.
" [SCOFFS] And I have another promo tomorrow.
It's all I can think about.
The original "Fifty Shades.
" That's funny.
[CHUCKLES] Ugh.
Why didn't you tell me I had lipstick on my teeth? I'm going out there.
A poppy seed? Thy sensational smile doth shine upon thy heaving bosoms - Oh, my.
- just as said bosoms do sit like clouds for angels' bottoms.
Oh, Pizzle.
Oh, I'm gonna write that down.
Did you mean both bosoms or just the left one? I mean, 'cause it's the crowd favorite.
Lefty Louie.
[CHUCKLES] Well done, Master Pizzle.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, light teal Too risky.
So, what's going on here with you guys? David's teaching me how to be performatively nice to people.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, do me next.
Oh! Thy most bountiful and glorious belly.
[LAUGHTER] How many weeks before we may expect little Shart? - Yeah, third trimester, y'all.
- Oh, my God! Congratulations.
- I can feel him kicking.
- [LAUGHTER] Now, what you got for Maggie? N-Nothing that reminds you of your high-school girly-girly action.
DELILAH: Ooh.
[LAUGHS] Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
What is it? What is it? No, no, no.
I can't say.
It's too embarrassing.
What, like Shart's gut? Hey! That's my baby you're talking about! Just take the embarrassing and make it good.
- This can't be made good.
- Come on.
- I'm sure it can.
- Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Say it.
Say it.
ALL: [CHANTING] Say it.
Say it.
Say it.
Say it.
- I saw her bush! - [LAUGHTER] I'm so proud of you! DAVID: That's not what I expected.
And it was huge! [LAUGHTER] Dude.
I like a jungle.
I'm Tarzan.
[LAUGHTER] Hear me now, good gentles.
'Twas a lush and glorious bush.
- 'Twas the most radiant shrubbery - [ALL CLEARING THROATS] I have ever laid eyes upon! Oh, don't let me interrupt the merrymaking.
Just need a bit of ice.
[ICE RATTLING] [STIFLED LAUGHTER] [LID CLOSES] Ahh.
I'll be up for a little while longer.
We could make fuzzy navels.
Fuzzy.
[LAUGHTER] Enjoy your evening.
God save the queen.
ALL: God save the queen! God shave the queen.
[LAUGHTER] DELILAH: Oh, no.
Maggie, Delilah, Amanda together In a friendship wreath.
- Uh - Means that you really took some time.
- To make this extra great.
- I think Maggie is - more of a traditionalist.
- Oh.
Whatever you think.
I've never "Real Housewived" the out of anyone before.
Well, I've never used fruit cocktail juice to make mimosas before, so there you go.
Can't believe you're a "Housewives" fan.
It's like when the one with the pointy nose offended the super-skinny one at the charity auction for blind cats, but then she took her out to brunch, and everything was great.
I think I'm getting the hang of this place.
I traded compliments for the muffins and a hand massage for the eggs.
Oh, grasshopper.
You're learning so well.
- She's coming.
It's happening.
- Go, go, go.
Go, go, go.
Mimosa? [SIGHS] - Thanks so much for meeting me.
- I didn't meet you.
You're standing in front of my tent.
I love your culottes.
They're not culottes.
They're jorts.
Why are you here? Actually, jorts are made from denim - and usually from old jeans.
- Why are you here? I was hoping maybe we could melt the ice a little over brunch.
Cheers.
Oh, wait.
We didn't make eye contact.
It's bad luck.
Let's Let's do it again.
Cheers.
Okay.
Can we get to the ice-melting? I have plucking to do.
Delilah tells me you're one of this Faire's OGs.
OGs? Original gangster.
That's the actual meaning.
I was going for the figurative meaning, you know, founding father, or mother, in this case.
You are the shot-caller Who lives, who dies, who gets exiled.
Oh, we are not in the habit of exiling anyone.
I love how you use the royal "we.
" It's It's so authentic, like so much of this place, really hands-on.
Granted, sometimes, those hands are on my ass, but that's part of the authenticity, right? I wanted to ask, how do you decide what's okay? And as the queen, are you actually the decision-maker, like the Great and Powerful Oz? I think if we put our heads together, we could really codify what's appropriate and what's not, you know? Right, right.
Let me guess.
Mama Klein was supercritical of little Amanda.
Uh, she's actually a-a-a Lyons n-now.
- Klein was my father, but then he - And judging by your love of the bottle, she's probably also an alcoholic.
Nothing is ever right, is it? Is she still trying to envision your ears pinned back? Did she lament the backhand you never mastered? My backhand happens to be very powerful and elegant.
- And for your information, my mother - No.
I don't really care, sweetie.
Thank you for cleaning this up.
You think you're so insightful, don't you? Well, I'll have you know, my mother is not an alcoholic.
She's a pillhead and only because they overprescribed her after she got her eyelids done, so Damn it.
[SIGHS] Don't you want to change into your Pizzle clothes - before we get there? - Nah, man.
I'll just strip down in the car.
Don't want to get it wrinkled.
Thank you, again, for coming with me today.
I always work better with someone to bounce off of.
No prob.
I got you.
I've written out some improv for us, study that.
Um, I thought that we'd just stay loose out there, you know? Keep Shakespeare from What? you know boring people.
Excuse me? I mean, dude, on the radio, the lady said you made her dry.
[SCOFFS] Like I care about dusty vaginas.
Hey, man.
Shakespeare was for the masses.
Why always go highbrow when he was also the master of a dirty joke, right? Well, we know that, but most people don't.
Come on.
Shakespeare was a dirty bastard.
Just, like, try going low.
Here.
Start with this.
There's got to be E.
coli in the salads at Greasy Buns.
[CHEWING] [SCOFFS] [SIGHS DEEPLY] Hmm.
Well-seasoned.
Attaboy.
Hey, Robin Hood, what's that dick pouch for? It's a codpiece.
Or a pouch.
[SIGHS] For dicks.
[CHUCKLES] Funny.
- Happy now? - I am.
Thank you.
Can I open my eyes yet? - Yes, you can.
- Groceries.
It's like when the one with the lips took the other one with the lips shopping to cheer her up.
Now you're speaking my love language.
Come.
They have almond oil.
It makes the best lube.
- Hey, there's David.
- Oh! Watch me eat mud for money.
Ah! Hey-ho, friends.
Good day, gentles.
Allo, sweet lasses.
Hear ye, come forth.
You there, come forth to the Royal Renaissance Faire for Shakespeare and history! - A little aggro, yes? - Yeah.
We're working on the fun.
- Hmm.
Good luck with that.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm really feeling my motivation.
- Yes.
Everyone's feeling it.
- You, sir! You look like you need a sonnet.
It's all local and homemade.
- Hey.
- Hey, Delilah.
- Hey, friend.
- Got those, uh, AA batteries you're always runnin' low on.
- Yay! - Excuse me.
Do you have any Kérastase products? Davines, even John Paul Mitchell will do.
- For hair.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Hair stuff's all - right over there.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
- Have you ever had peanut brittle? - No.
It sounds disgusting.
It'll break your teeth, but it'll change your life.
Ooh, coconut oil? - Lavender? Tea tree oil? - Mm-hmm.
[SNIFFS] Mmm! - Smells like Sally Hershberger.
- Oh! - Mmm! - You know your friend's hair smell? - What's mine? - [SNIFFS] Sunshine and unicorns.
$4.
99? I pay like $40 an ounce for this kind of stuff.
Aloe, shea butter.
All organic? Can I, uh, help you with anything? No.
But I can most definitely help you.
The Royal Renaissance Festival.
Come for the merriment, stay for the fun.
Hey.
Hey, you giving anything away for free? Uh, mayhap a soliloquy or a sonnet.
Do you have any stickers? My stepkids love when I bring stickers home.
Sir William, hast thou anything in particular to say about these beautiful women, huh? Yeah? Uh, yes.
Yeah, yeah, I see.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, uh, dearest ladies [CLEARS THROAT] some are born great, some achieve greatness, and other have greatness thrust upon them.
Thrust.
[LAUGHS] Loosen up.
Yeah.
Heh.
Ha.
Of course.
Of course, let's not forget that I, William Shakespeare, am also the master of the dirty joke.
- Ohh! - Risqué.
I don't think they're ready.
- No.
- Here it comes.
Oh? Oh, that she were an open arse, and thou a poperin pear.
Hey! Her ass is closed, man.
Ladies, ladies, forgive my stupid friend.
Forgive us all, for I, Pizzle Humpsalot, a grotesque and lowly mud beggar, do cry your mercy, for I have forgot to tell thee how much fun the Royal Renaissance Festival, Saturdays and Sundays, 10:00 to 7:00, can be! Come one, come all, preferably all.
Gather ye round, for the Royal Renaissance Mud Shows work according to the laws of physics.
What goes up [ALL GASP] must come down.
Ooh! [LAUGHS] Karma, man.
[LAUGHTER] Oh, you got a little bit right there.
Oh, and there.
Dead serious.
Have you ever tried getting your products into Barneys? Barney's Friday Fish Fry.
Yeah, I go every week.
This stuff is dying on the vine back here.
It really needs to be in a clear, visible path facing toward the door.
- Oh, my God, beeswax.
- No, no.
This stuff is multiuse.
Actually, multiuse should have its own section.
- Miss, please don't.
- And these You're mixing messages.
Why have you got bananas next to cosmetics? Lady, if I needed someone to tell me how I'm doing everything wrong, I'd call my wife.
- Okay.
That's a little dramatic.
- All right.
Okay.
Hi, yeah, I love you so much, but I'm reading the room here, and I'm getting the feeling that not everybody loves you - as much as I do, right at this moment.
- Oh, no.
No.
Someone has got to tell him what an eyesore that Shelly's Jam display is.
Okay, so I can hear you.
And, "A," Shelly's my sister.
So that's actually very hurtful.
"B," she powerlifts, so if you want to tell her how you feel about her display, be my guest.
"C," I am going to, for the first time ever, use my right to refuse service to anyone, which is you, in this case, so congrats and goodbye.
Bye-bye.
Who might want a muddy kiss? - Oh! - [LAUGHS] - Oh! - Mwah! If you prick us, do we not bleed? And if you wrong us, should we not have Mud pie in thy face? Falling! Oh, oh, oh, oh! - Oh! - [LAUGHTER] Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Mayhap this be what ye want.
[FARTING] Ah! [CRIES] [CROWD GROANS] [SIGHS] Are you not entertained?! Don't worry.
You're the only one who's never invited back.
I'm good.
[LAUGHS] Oh! I was just doing what Marie Kondo always does Clearing clutter and sparking joy.
Sparking joy is good, but trying to fix things that aren't broken is - Stupid.
- Stupid? No, honeybee.
But a distraction maybe from what really might need fixing, perhaps.
I could trim those for you if you want me to.
Oh.
Wow.
Maggie was right.
I pick myself and everyone else apart.
I find what's wrong in almost every situation.
I thrive on negativity.
I I am my mother.
[SCOFFS] I have never witnessed such rapid psychological growth.
It's beautiful like a sea monkey.
[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.
I'm emotionally leaking all over you.
That's okay.
Leak away.
I'll happily collect all your emotional fluids.
Ew.
Ah.
David? Oh, uh, hey, man.
- I want to apologize.
- No.
Y-You don't have to.
Obviously, I had no intention.
I hope you don't think that I meant to I'm so embarrassed.
I-It's all good, man.
It's really not.
Look, it's just about finding a balance.
Like, fart jokes good, actual ass explosions, bad.
- Noted.
- Yeah.
I also appreciate your discretion about this.
No one needs to know.
Dude! I heard you your pants at the Country Market.
- [LAUGHS] - Oh, God.
Epic, man.
I mean, I never physically hurt anyone, but my record is clearing like 500, 600 feet - Yeah - on my stench-power alone, so congrats, man.
I beg you to forget about this.
No shame, friend.
The body releases when it must release.
Better an empty apartment than a bad tenant.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hands in.
- Yeah, dude.
Come on.
Hey! Come on, join us.
Yeah.
"Fart brothers for life" on three.
One, two, three.
TOGETHER: Fart brothers for life! I'm not there yet.
- I found your bra.
- Oh, great.
Wouldn't it make more sense to start the parade inside the fairegrounds? That way, people have more time to get a beer.
- You're doing it again.
- I'm doing it again.
See, nothing needs to be fixed.
Really? Hi.
Hello.
- Who left the damn hose on? - I'll shut it off.
Geez.
[FANFARE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Uh, uh Your Majesty! Your Majesty! Your Majesty! Your Majesty! Your Majesty! Uh Your Majesty! Your Majesty! - Aah! - [CROWD GASPS] Cry your mercy, Your Majesty! Pass not this way.
T'would be mine honor to be sure thou dost not muddy thy most regal self.
God save the queen! ALL: God save the queen! Better.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my.
Show me your jugs, and I'll show you mine.
Oh, On these fairegrounds, and it'd be not a crime.
- [LAUGHTER] - Oh, my, milady.
Care to make a trade? What are you supposed to be? A princess? Nay, good sirs.
I be William Shakespeare.
Dost thou know of any of mine great writings? I want to fight.
En garde! I'm gonna stab you in the butt.
Pardon me, gentlemen.
Words are but wind, ay, and break it in your face so he break it not behind.
Pbht! [BOTH LAUGH] [CHUCKLES] Aah! [LISPING] Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you asleep? Yes, very asleep.
Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda.
Sounds funny when you say it over and over again, doesn't it? My name, too.
Helen, Helen, Helen.
Oh, my God.
The real live hooker.
Not a hooker.
I know you think I'm here to stab you to death, but the truth is, Amanda, we're square.
We are? I may have lost the tip of my tongue, but you lost your fiancé, your wedding, your whole life if what I hear is true, about you becoming a pub wench.
Uh, how do you know all of this? Mama Klein and I came to a very lucrative agreement.
[SIGHS] Oh.
Uh-huh.
I get it.
- My mom paid you off.
- Uh-huh.
So, what, you came here to scare me before you move to South America or something? South America? Ever heard of Zika? Nay.
I'm here to reclaim my position as Lord Executioner on Her Majesty's court.
Now I can travel the circuit in a tour bus with a hot tub.
And one more thing.
Brett small balls, right? Like, the shaft was good, but the balls like frozen peas.
[WATER RUNNING] Little more on the left, no? Is it even? Seems a little chilly.
Rad.
Like, rad.
Huzzah.