American Princess (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

Fairemily Matters

1 Previously on "American Princess" Tell me it's not over.
I really don't know.
What if we brought in more money here? There are zip lines, water orbs, petting zoos.
- No.
- Why don't we have a vote? The people have spoken.
I will plague.
Them.
All! There's so many letters.
What if she's in, like, real-world trouble? I have to help her.
HELEN: Amanda Klein! You owe me a million dollars.
AMANDA: Eat bench, you lunatic! - Oh! - Whoa! I cut off my ear lobe.
You.
When will it be enough for you, huh? It's too late to stop anything after all you started.
- Maggie, I - And now I'm just an evil old queen with nothing to show for it.
Good thing Lil Boy wasn't here to interrupt us this time.
Lil Boy! My parents want custody of Lil Boy.
But I'm so scared.
I think I know somebody who can help.
Brett? It's me.
[MELISSA MANCHESTER'S "DON'T CRY OUT LOUD" PLAYING.]
Baby cried the day the circus came to town 'Cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown While she danced without a net upon the wire I know a lot about 'er 'cause, you see Baby is an awful lot like me Don't cry out loud Just keep it inside And learn how to hide your feelings Fly high and proud And if you should fall Your mime work is astonishing.
Do you do quinceañeras, too? You don't feel a smidge better after body-slamming Amanda in the mud? Are you really going to give nothing? I've given everything.
It's time I put myself first.
I'm spent.
You're up.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Look what I have.
Oh, show me, show me.
Here I have a pilot's thumb, wreck'd as homeward he did come.
[GROWLS.]
I'm a witch.
[LISPING.]
I'm a monster.
Oh, oh.
And this'll be good for your shoulder.
It's like Icy Hot, but not.
And these are for the pain.
I was gonna take 'em for my ear, but I ate some weed gummies this morning, and they seem to be doing the trick.
What is wrong with you? You attacked me with a melon baller yesterday.
Well, technically, I didn't attack you.
- I only tried to.
- Keep talking.
This'll be great for the restraining order.
Amanda, I'm sorry.
For everything.
I know this seems out of the blue, but when I saw my ear profusely bleeding, I had an epiphany that I should make better life choices.
[GASPS.]
You think? I said we were square before.
This time, I mean it.
Swell.
Go be square over there.
Okay.
Aah! A little warning, please.
What's this? Message from Lee.
Open it.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hi.
Hi.
I didn't realize you were coming up.
Delilah and I could have met you at the courthouse.
I prefer to meet my clients beforehand.
And I always liked driving up here when we were planning our we Sorry.
Accidental bringing up of awkward memory.
My therapist says to acknowledge stupid things I say so that they'll feel heard and then leave my head.
"Hi, stupid thing.
Bye, stupid thing.
I hate you forever.
" Yes, I'd love for you to show me around.
That's Bonnie.
People say she takes a soul for every item she sells, which is hilarious.
She's so nice.
- That's Stick.
- Stick.
- He only says "stick.
" - Stick! He can talk.
But he doesn't.
It's a whole thing.
So open up those purses and wallets, folks! That's our last show of the day, so don't give us the shaft! [GASPS.]
Unless it's his.
[LAUGHS.]
My place is right around the corner.
Yeah, you can enter through the front door or the back! She seems fun.
Are you kidding? Delilah's the best person here.
That's Delilah? Hi! Is this my Gloria Allred? - Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Great show.
- Thank you! You missed this one part where I nuzzled this old lady's neck.
I think her sunscreen got me high.
Awesome.
- We should go talk.
- Mm-hmm.
Not gonna lie.
Ignoring all the court notices was a bad move.
It makes you look irresponsible.
I didn't think my parents would take it this far.
My dad has a metal hip.
My mom plays bingo twice a day, every day.
Why on earth would they want to raise another child? I understand.
Why don't we talk character references? We need people who can vouch for you.
Oh! Well, people who have known you for a long time.
There's Lulu, obviously, and, um, the guys David, Stick, and Shart.
Shart? Like a shit and a fart? Yes.
He was christened back in 1565.
He He went to break wind, and then something else happened instead.
We all have a back story.
Stick it is.
And who's David? He's a guy, who works here.
We know tons of guys that work here, because there there are g guys work here.
Look.
There's another one now.
Oh, Brian! He'd be good, too.
We've known each other since, what? I don't like to date myself, so let's say yesterday.
What is this for? My lawyer would like me to have character witnesses in court.
No.
My parents went through an ugly divorce, so courtrooms are terrifying.
Just the name "Mariska Har-Hargitay" makes me break out into hives.
[BREATHES SHAKILY.]
But I will help in any other conceivable way.
Great.
We need to keep Lil Boy close to the courthouse in case the judge wants to talk to him.
You can watch him.
You mean babysit? Please, Brian? We need all the help we can get.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Brett, Helen.
Helen, Brett.
Oh, sorry.
Sometimes I forget things.
Oh, I just got it, too.
Great! Now that we're all caught up, Helen, do you mind? I came for chips.
I'm not here to start drama anymore.
I told you.
I turned over a new leaf.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Helen, if you want to lend your assistance - She doesn't.
- it seems like Brian - could use an extra set of hands.
- He couldn't.
Please? The court is giving me a chance to prove myself.
She deserves one, too.
Besides, you said yourself we need all the help we can get.
And having more of my people there will make me feel less nervous.
Lil Boy, too.
So I'm babysitting a feral child and a feral woman.
- Fantastic.
- I'm really good with kids.
Before my niece burned down her house, we were always together.
I basically raised her.
Oh, I-I should get going, too.
I'll meet you early on Thursday to go over the final details.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
A-And not that I don't love this, but you should probably dress in something less this.
And drier.
And maybe wear a bra? Yeah.
Can I borrow one of yours? Thanks again for coming.
I know this place is a little much.
Eh, I kind of get it.
There's trees, beer on tap.
This mask I got from Bonnie was totally worth my soul, which, let's be honest, needed replacing anyway.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Delilah needs to win.
- I know.
No, I'm serious.
When I came here, she was the one who scraped me off the floor.
I owe her everything.
We have to help her.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna lawyer the shit out of this one.
- Hey.
- Hey! That is Delilah's lawyer.
He came here because he's her lawyer.
Uh, okay.
How and what are you doing? Checking on you.
Haven't seen you since last night.
Kind of left me hanging in the shower.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
I ran back to the loft, and I found Delilah, and she told me all about Lil Boy.
Oh, Lil Boy.
Yeah, I heard.
They all right? He's gonna be.
The lawyer He's a friend from the city.
We barely talk anymore He's gonna take care of it.
Oh.
Cool.
Cool.
The good news about showers is that we can start another one at any time.
We don't want to waste water.
It's insensitive to the people in Laos.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's going on with you? I think that we should cool it.
Why? Because you have a girlfriend.
Callie.
Who's thin and naps on tree branches.
Right.
I'm I'm familiar.
I don't want to be the other woman.
I know the kind of pain that causes, - some days more than others.
- I get it.
Uh, you don't have to explain.
I don't want to be a jerk, either.
Cool.
Cool.
See you in court.
Uh-huh.
I'm a disaster today.
[CAR HORNS HONKING, BLARING.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Um, excuse me, uh Dimitry.
C Uh, can you change a fifty? You no pay with card? Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Of course! [SIGHS.]
I haven't been in the city in a long time.
[UPBEAT RUSSIAN POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
Right.
Okay.
Bye.
Good afternoon.
I'm here to see Myron Shapiro.
Great.
Do you have an appointment? - No.
- Ah, it doesn't matter.
- He's dead.
- [GASPS.]
No! No, no, no.
Poor Myron.
Oh.
Was it cocaine? No.
It was time.
He was 92.
Oh.
Oh, and his lover? Wife.
She's dead, too.
Who are you? Maggie Chainey.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was one of his clients in the late '80s.
It appears I may have misjudged his personal life.
But things were crazy then.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, who are you? Ah.
Sanjeep Farooqui-McMahon.
Pleased to meet you.
I was his assistant.
After he passed, we kept waiting for someone to claim the business, but his family actively pushed it on me, - so here I am.
- Oh.
So what have you been doing this whole time? Oh, this, that.
Some Shakespeare at the park.
Well, hey, if you want back on the roster, I can find you something.
I have access to all the breakdowns for today.
Oh, no.
Don't do that.
I-I shouldn't have even come by.
Oh, why not? I need people like you.
All my girls are either super ethnic or very young, and you are neither of those things.
Um thank you.
Aha.
A musical based on the show "Hoarders.
" It's called "Hoarders: The Musical.
" Oh.
Well, that does sound layered.
Come on, Maggie Chainey.
I know we just met, but you got to believe you came here for a reason.
[FANFARE PLAYS ON CELLPHONE.]
- I'm in.
- That's the spirit! I might have some sex appeal left in my bag of tricks.
You know, I was once called "the next Tawny Kitaen.
" I have no idea who that is.
But the part you're going out for is "Sad Woman Trapped Behind Wall.
" Great.
So, for as much trash as there is in space, the odds of being killed by falling debris, are actually 1 in 5 billion.
So it's probably not gonna happen.
Although, if it does, it's just proof that you're really special.
Oh, David! Can you run this over to Delilah? - Mm, what is it? - Beauty stuff.
Oh, and tell her the curling iron needs to be set to "6," or it'll burn her scalp, unless she uses the pearler wand extension and holds down the clamp, in which case, it can go up to "9.
" I'm not qualified to relay this information.
Fine.
Then, uh, just watch the class for me.
Okay, everyone, behave for Mr.
David.
- Thank you.
Thanks so much.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
- You got it.
- Uh, kids are DAVID: So We were talking about astronomy.
Oh, okay.
Well, Scorpios are bad.
They'll key your car.
Leos are meh.
Cancers are what they sound like That's astrology.
I know.
They're related.
Uh, planets and stars and, uh, how people behave in relationships that may or may not last forever.
- Are you drunk? - He's high.
No, that looks like pills to me.
No, kids.
I'm not rolling.
I'm distracted, all right? Astrology was sort of is sort of my girlfriend's thing.
I mean, I say "girlfriend" 'cause it's not like we're gonna be eloping to Jamaica any time soon.
I wouldn't go there, actually.
They're not very friendly to gay people.
Not that I am, but I have friends who are, uh, and my girlfriend does, too Or not my girlfriend, 'cause, I mean, who says that we're gonna make it past, say, tomorrow even? I smell drama.
Spill it.
It says here that you do a "washer wench" show at the faire.
What does that mean? Ah, that's simple, Your Honor.
Me and my gal get the crowd sopping wet, then we give everyone a happy ending [CHUCKLES.]
especially the married folks.
"My scene partner and I put on a play "based on Elizabethan culture that's not only entertaining but family-friendly, as well.
" Ooh.
I should write that on my hand.
My turn.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Um, your son is home-schooled.
What sort of things does he learn? Life skills, like how to swing an ax or how to make soup from ketchup packets.
Oh and he can identify counterfeit money on smell alone.
Come on and strike ya pose - Slut.
- Ohh oh ohh Okay.
Go head and strike We love it, though.
Ohh oh ohh - Clown.
- Sing along I got my hair straight done and my nails - Witch.
- Got that fly fit on Y'all know what I came to do Strike my pose, I'm so red carpet Strike my pose, I'm so I look like a villain on "The View!" Look at my toes It's the one.
It feels good.
I forgot my steamer at home.
So I'm just gonna do it in the closet, - get a sauna going.
- Ah! Oh.
- Lulu, thank you.
- I love ya, honey.
Bye.
Hey.
Thank you for doing this.
I know calling Brett wasn't easy for you.
I'm fine.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, no, no.
I'm focusing on you.
Besides, seeing Brett, like, in person was, like, not even a big deal.
You're blinking like a junkie.
I'm falling apart! I'm hiding David from Brett and Brett from David, and I don't know why.
Oh.
You're confused, honey.
Because you have feelings for both of them.
I do not have feelings for Brett.
[LAUGHS.]
Fine.
But for the record, he's not all that bad.
I mean, the way you were talking about him, I thought he would come in with gnashing teeth and his penis-a-swingin'.
He has a lot of great qualities, obviously.
I was gonna marry him.
But he cheated.
I don't think I could ever forgive that.
Or at least I'm not supposed to.
If you did everything you were supposed to do, you would never have come here.
And I would never have come here if he hadn't have cheated.
I'm not pushing you in any sort of direction.
But if I was, I'd be pushing in the direction towards David.
- Yes, David.
- Mm.
Mysterious, charming, everybody-loves-David.
You like him.
I also like bagels and candles, too.
Okay, fine.
I like him a lot.
[LAUGHS.]
But my mind shuts down pretty quickly because he has a girlfriend.
DAVID: If you want to call her that.
We're only together the 10 weeks of this faire.
Never met each other's families.
Then again, those 10 weeks are pretty great.
We respect each other.
We get along.
Of course you do.
She 5'10" and ready to mingle.
- Ew.
- Ew.
She's not a bad person.
- She's just - Not Amanda.
Maybe I want more.
Like a certain pint-sized Jewess? Amanda's normal-sized.
So it is Amanda.
I mean, yeah.
It's Amanda.
She's come a long way.
When she got here, she was this precious Manhattanite who couldn't complete a task without the help of an app.
Now she's out there promoting the faire.
She's getting her hands dirty.
I think we can all agree, you need to break up with Callie and clear the way for Amanda, who has many positive qualities that are probably compatible with yours.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna do it! Thanks, guys.
This was so embarrassing.
Mm.
Great.
Let us know how it goes.
And bring tissues.
Oh, Callie doesn't emote.
There will be no tears.
Oh, there's gonna be something.
You can't break up with a girl and expect there to be no reaction.
In fact, it's even scarier if she doesn't cry.
It's the quiet ones who kill.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm here.
Listen up, people! I got a roast in the oven and a twink in my bed.
I do not have time for mistakes or questions.
Does anyone have any questions? We're learning already.
Group one, up.
My name is Azul.
I am the creative director of this show.
This is the dancing round.
If you make it past today, you come back tomorrow for singing and acting.
If you don't make it, I'm sorry, you'll never be a triple threat.
Just real quick, uh, is there any idea when we'd start tomorrow? I have tickets to the Breast Exhibit at the Whitney, and I'd really hate to miss it if I don't Who are you? Maggie.
Chainey.
From here? Oklahoma.
Muskogee.
Maggie from Muskogee, it's awfully presumptuous of you to assume you'll be coming back tomorrow.
So many things could happen A knee could buckle.
One of these girls could slip a banana peel under your hoof.
I'm not worried.
I plan on dazzling you.
Good.
Because your question that I asked you not to ask is making me itch to cut you.
But I'm sure you'll do fine.
Have fun! Here's the routine.
I would do the steps myself, but, uh, I tore my meniscus at a foam party.
Go.
A-five, 6, 7, 8.
Grab on, what I got is fire Right here, I got more than enough to go round Don't fight, head over desire Can I tell you a secret? You're awful.
Bye.
Oh, love you.
Ugh.
Hate your teeth.
Ugh.
Can you handle it? Can you handle it? Knockin' on my backdoor beggin' for more I can make it rain, do you want it to pour? Tell me what you like, I'll settle the score - Consider me dazzled.
- Can you handle it? Baby, can you handle it? You can see me in the back if you want it [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Callie, we need to talk.
Um, I haven't showered, but okay.
No, no, no, no! I-I mean with sentences.
Um Callie, you and I have had a lot of fun.
But as my dad used to say when he dragged us out of Six Flags three hours early so that we could beat the traffic, "fun ends.
" Um I want to break up.
Oh, I didn't realize we were together.
What? Like, I didn't realize we were together.
No, no, no.
I mean, I heard you the first time.
But But what? Uh, you're my 10-week girlfriend.
- We're open.
- Yeah, after the faire.
During the faire.
Does that mean you've been, like, sleeping with other people this whole time? No! [CHUCKLES.]
On Tuesdays, I rest.
Bu Who? Um, Cyril, Stephen, Areola.
Ooh, the guy who fixed your sink last week.
Dino Dennis - DeAndre? - DeAndre.
And his assistant.
I tipped them both.
They earned it.
Oh, I'm sorry, David.
I thought we had an understanding.
But I want you to know that I hear you.
We are no longer in a relationship.
I'll come by later and get my thongs.
I tipped them both.
"I know this is garbage, but don't call it trash.
" It's a dryer sheet.
"It means something to me.
" [MUTTERING.]
Dryer sheet.
It means something.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE.]
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Here's a lid without a pot that I'm sure must be around Here's a doll with one leg That used to make a crying sound Here's a map of Des Moines I might go to Iowa Here's a cap and a coin and a ball and a bra And a plant and a pig and a sock and a saw I might need this I might need this I might need this I might need this MAN: [MUFFLED.]
Please, shut up! That is not lint.
Oh, God.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Okay.
The next time you see me, our problems will be behind us.
- Promise? - Cross my heart and hope to ascend to the moon with the goddess Hecate.
Listen to Brian and Helen! I will.
Lil Boy, get back here! I hope this playground has a bar.
Brian and Helen will take great care of him.
Wow.
Nice upgrade.
You look awesome.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You, too.
Nice to see you again, Delilah.
You look like a harlot.
And you look like a doily made love to a grape.
That's no way to talk to your mother.
- [SCOFFS.]
- It didn't have to come to this.
You took it here, Daddy.
[SCOFFS.]
I hope you prayed.
Of course we did.
So what is she Sit down.
HELEN: Okay, okay, okay.
W-Watch.
No, no.
Little slower.
Okay.
[STAMMERING.]
Take it Take Oh, God! Watch how you land! You'll bite your tongue, and it will hurt.
Trust me.
A little help here? He's fine.
He's 8.
His bones are still rubbery.
He needs positive reinforcement, especially at this critical age where he's lacking a strong male role model.
Where is all this coming from? Are you still trying to be your best self? Yes! Nobody believes me.
Helen, we're babysitting.
It's not that big of a deal.
So you're just gonna sit there and do nothing? If by "nothing" you mean dive into chapter five and experience the wonder that is this woman's career, then yes.
KELLY: I don't know if Peyton should do jazz.
It cuts into her soccer and ukulele.
Same with Miles.
He wants to do tennis, but how? Is he going to give up gardening? Calligraphy? If you hold a carrot in your teeth, Lil Boy can slice it with a whip.
Uh, Maggie Chainey? Okay.
AZUL: Maggie from Muskogee, we meet again.
Nice to see you.
All of you.
We're going to start with the dead-cat monologue and then move on to "I Might Need This.
" Any questions? "The first time I saved a pizza box, "I knew something was wrong.
"I told myself that it looked nice on the table, " as a sort of shabby-chic centerpiece.
"But when 1 box became 2 "and 2 became 10, "they started to block the view outside my window.
"I could no longer see the mailbox or the neighbors, "not even the top of my magnolia tree.
"And I realized that I was "suddenly, completely fine with that.
"As several days passed, I realized I hadn't seen Snowball anywhere, so I started looking and" Thank you.
CHARLIE: Tamara Duffy? Thank you.
Miss Quaid, I'm glad to see that you have professional representation with Shumer, Stoecker & Denber, ah, no less.
Counselor? Yes, Your Honor.
As you can see from the psychological evaluation, the therapist deemed Lil Uh, the child as healthy and happy.
The faire, while unconventional, provides a natural environment that fosters outdoor play, creativity, and, frankly, an escape from the addictive technological trappings of the world.
Oh, you don't have to tell me, counselor.
My nephew shoots hookers on a video game and texts me acronyms I don't understand.
I am all for kids climbing in trees.
Okay, let's get this show on the road.
I got a wedge salad waiting for me.
Okay.
Everyone in the faire looks out for each other, so the bonds are a lot like family.
Are you married, Mr.
Poland? No.
A-And I'm not in a relationship.
I'm free to do whatever I want with whoever l want.
Does that mean you're a gigolo? What?! [LAUGHING.]
You Oh.
Th-That was a question.
Um No.
- It's our turn now.
- And you're doing it wrong.
He's thinking outside the box.
What's wrong with your mouth? God punished me for eating kids.
- [SLURPING.]
- [KIDS SHRIEKING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
As a person with diabetes, I-I feel very safe on the faire circuit.
There's almost always a public clinic nearby, and the wait times aren't that long.
I'm on a first-tier insurance plan.
Our students are very well-read.
Plus, they share a computer, so they're technically proficient.
Our school has a lab.
30 computers.
And none of them get porn.
So "Lil Boy" is his name? Like my lawyer said, the faire is a creative place.
He'll choose his name when he's ready.
Your Honor, if I may.
Of course, Mr.
Carpet.
Please proceed.
The child was given a name, at birth, by someone who deeply cared.
[DOORS OPEN.]
This is Zeb Abner, Zeb Jr.
's father.
That is not his name! - Objection! - Order.
And overruled.
This stunt better have a point, Mr.
Carpet.
Zeb has maintained a relationship with Art and Alma, so that he would be present in the child's life.
He also has a two-bedroom apartment, a vehicle, and a job with benefits.
I'm a manager at Pizza Palace.
They let me place the sauce orders, so [WHISPERING.]
Great.
That toilet was nice.
It flushed by itself.
My niece says that's how they are in prison.
Excuse me, did you tell my Peyton that you were going to eat her? - No.
- She did.
She's lying.
- What's going on? - We don't want to cause any trouble, but you need to control your wife.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, honey, you of all people should know No.
We're friends.
He's not even our kid.
Whatever.
I think it would be best if you left.
You're scaring the children, and your lisp is giving me spittle.
Let's go, Helen.
They're not worth it.
No.
I told Delilah I was gonna watch Lil Boy in this park, and I am not leaving until she comes out.
Then I will be forced to call a policeman and tell him that you threatened my child.
- I didn't.
- Who's he gonna believe The PTA Treasurer or a freak? Come on, Lil Boy.
Her name is Helen.
She's working on herself.
Which is more than I can say for you.
You don't know us.
Oh, but I do.
In the words of Henry IV, "I wish I had enough breath to tell you all the things you are.
" You elfskin, you bull's pizzle, you stockfish, you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bowcase You bitch.
"Bowcase.
" [CHUCKLING.]
Nice.
Counselor, if that's all you have Then I'll issue my ruling.
[WHISPERING.]
Brett.
Wait.
I'd like to speak.
I've only known Delilah Ms.
Quaid for six weeks, but as the only person here that lives with her, I can provide insight into her relationship with her child, Your Honor.
Spit it out, Marcia Clark.
Hi.
Uh, my name is Amanda Klein.
Um, I'm a single bartender with no children.
I left the comfort of a Manhattan loft to live with this woman and her son and a possum named Rat Cat, who is a terrible listener and not much of a cuddle bug.
So However I wouldn't trade a single rickety slat in our floor to step foot on the marble tile that I used to, because living with her has taught me what unconditional love means, whether it's towards strangers me Her friends them Or her son, who is the happiest, sweetest little boy I've ever met.
Yes, his name is Lil Boy.
We know what the world thinks of us rennies.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
That we're weirdos.
Freaks.
That we're all running from the past while trying to escape the present that we see in the mirror.
And maybe that's true.
And if so, isn't it better to face that with a community of people who care, who would give you the shirt off their back, especially if it's a size too small? [ALL CHUCKLE.]
Delilah Quaid is not a great person.
She's an exceptional one.
And in six weeks, she's shown me more humanity than people I've known my whole life.
Thank you.
All right, it's been a long day, so I'll make this brief, unlike you, Ms.
Klein.
You talked so long, I saw my afterlife flash before my eyes.
However, I was overwhelmed by the content of your testimony.
You showed me a rich tapestry of people who add value to your life and to your child's life, as well.
Unfortunately, children need stable, comfortable environments where they can thrive.
On the other hand, you can't just walk into a kid's life and expect a relationship out of the blue.
Therefore, I am awarding sole legal custody to Delilah Quaid - Ahh! - Yes! with joint physical custody to be shared with Art and Alma Quaid, the schedule to be determined by a mediator at a later date.
Good luck and get out.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Why?! [SOBBING.]
Delilah, you won.
- I did? - [LAUGHING.]
Yes! You just have to sort out a few visitations here and there.
Thank you for having my back.
It was better than me murdering them.
Like Delilah said, you deserve a second chance.
And for the record, I wanted to kill all those people, too.
I have a knife in my backpack.
I'm glad you're working on yourself, dear.
Ahh! We won! [LAUGHING.]
For hopefully most weekends out of the year! - I'm confused.
- So is she, honey.
[CRYING.]
I can't believe that happened.
Neither can I.
We owe that judge a wedge salad.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I got to see your face and understand why you stayed at the faire.
You got these people in exchange for us assholes.
I would have done the same thing.
- Brett, it's okay, I - No.
What I did is not okay.
And for the rest of my life, I'll live with that.
You don't have to anymore.
I-If you ever do come back for a weekend, for good I'm there.
Always.
Yeah, Lil Boy's my best friend now.
Can't believe Small Balls pulled it off.
- Who? - Small Balls.
You know, Amanda's ex.
I mean, how else could Delilah get him? [SIGHS.]
We did it! [WOMEN SHRIEK, LAUGH.]
- Love your aunties.
- Okay.
I've never appreciated your foyer.
Trespasser.
Where were you? Uh, funeral.
Uncle Myron.
My condolences.
How was it? Beautiful.
I sang "Ave Maria.
" Aunt Candy wept.
Okay, I'm lying.
It's not your forte.
I went to the city.
Auditioned for a musical.
Save your gasp.
I didn't get it.
Oh.
Screw them.
No.
It is what it is.
It's why we're here.
- Where? - The faire.
You think you'd be here if you had gotten that role on "Law and Order, SUV"? I was an exquisite murder victim.
I blame Mariska Hargitay.
[GRUNTS.]
Well, whatever the reason, you didn't book it.
And you didn't forge a stage career in London.
You came here.
So did I.
You could go out there again, Maggie.
No.
I don't have the heart for the rejection.
Maybe in my earlier days, but I'll be okay.
I'd rather be the big fish in a small pond than a small fish in the Arctic Sea.
It's rising, you know.
Climate change is terrible.
Oh, awful.
[SIGHS.]
I'm glad you're back.
What did I miss? A lot.
First of all, Amanda's ex is cute, in a shirtless selfie sort of way.
That makes sense.
Did she claw his eyes out? - They hugged.
- Oh, God.
Give me something better.
Mm, Delilah's parents are tacky hicks, Helen is sort of a person now and David broke up with Callie.
Oh, I didn't realize they were together.
Yeah.
Actually, neither did I.
- Mm.
- Huh.
- Ha-ha! - Mm.
Jinx.
Buy me a Coke.
Did you know you could pay your cabbie - with a credit card? - What? - Yes.
- You have a credit card? I have two of them.
You just swipe it down the back.