American Princess (2019) s01e09 Episode Script
You Can Always Trust Your Vaganya
1 Previously on "American Princess" I have given everything.
It's time I put myself first.
MAGGIE: I went to the city, auditioned for a musical.
Save your gasp.
I didn't get it.
These aren't traffic fine envelopes.
These are jail envelopes.
[SIGHS.]
My parents want custody of Lil Boy.
I think I know somebody who can help.
Brett? It's me.
I am awarding sole legal custody to Delilah Quaid.
- Yes! - With joint physical custody to be shared with Art and Alma Quaid.
[GAVEL BANGS.]
I think that we should cool it.
- Why? - Because you have a girlfriend.
I want to break up.
Oh, I didn't realize we were together.
Hey! That is Delilah's lawyer.
He came here because he's her lawyer.
Uhh, okay.
Thank you.
You know, Amanda's ex.
I mean, how else could Delilah get him? [MAN SINGING IN ITALIAN.]
Mm! - Mm.
- Mm, mm.
- Come on.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm? - It's good.
- So, the tiramisu? - It's amazing.
I just love tiramisu.
I mean, it has everything.
Coffee, alcohol, cookies, cheese.
The four food groups.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's true.
And I love this.
Our dessert.
- Call it by its name.
- Cake.
- Aww.
- [LAUGHS.]
Millefoglie.
- Mille-fog-lia.
- Millefoglie.
You're not saying the "g," though.
I know.
We acknowledge the "g," and then we walk right past it.
Okay, but it's written Okay, fine.
- Mille-fog - He's not gonna get it.
[LAUGHTER.]
- It's so fun.
- So fun.
So fun.
- Ohh.
- I was close.
No.
Molto grazie.
Okay, so, you guys had the bistecca, the branzino Should we split it? Yes.
- The burrata.
- Great, let's go halfsies.
- Mm.
- Halfsies? Yeah.
It's so much easier.
- Yes, but - Right? - Restaurant math is the worst.
- [GROANS.]
- But it's - No, it's perfect.
Halfsies it is.
Now remember, just because Eve ate the apple doesn't mean all women are evil.
Yes, Mama.
And Jesus may have had a couple of good ideas, but that doesn't mean everything he said was right.
- Okay, Mama.
- Oh, and don't forget that Christmas just happens to fall on the same day as the Winter Solstice every year.
- Coincidence? - Nope.
Come here, my spiritually evolved little smartie.
They keep Squirt and Funyuns in a cooler under the front porch.
Oh, I almost forgot! Can you give this to Rat Cat? Your possum can read? It's a goodbye note so he knows that I'll be back.
He looked sad this morning.
Of course.
But, honey, I don't I don't think Rat Cat's gonna come around when you're not here.
You know, you won't be there waiting with treats and snuggles or anything.
Which is why you have to tell him I love him and not to worry.
I'll tell him so hard.
And I told him not to poop on your pillow again.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
Okay.
Delilah.
Mother.
Come on in, Zeb Jr.
Or Lil Boy, whatever you prefer.
Come on.
Bye, Mama.
- Love you, Mama! - Love you, too, my little baby precious angel boy! [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
I burned all those old court summons.
Summonses? Summons? I don't know.
Anyway, I burned 'em.
- It felt good.
- Right? I once did that with my boyfriend's A-E-Pi's T-shirt collection.
God, it was cleansing.
Not that it's the same.
I mean, you're dealing with joint custody, visitation rights, being away from your child for the first time.
Whereas I was dumping Dylan Schwenker Who was an emotional child But again, not the same same.
Lil Boy's gonna be fine, right? More than fine, yeah.
He's being exposed to another culture, like a summer abroad.
Only instead of metropolitan Paris, he's in Western Pennsylvania.
I just can't stop thinking about him.
I don't think I slept a wink last night.
I know it's hard.
Literally all my friends grew up going back and forth between two houses.
How'd they turn out? Great.
Yeah! Yeah, they're all great.
Want me to "Titanic" you? It always makes you feel better.
Yeah? I'm the Queen of the Faire! - Oh! Get down.
- Oh! Aunt Vaganya.
Margaret.
Do you have time for a reading? For the Queen of the Faire? - Always.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
I sense you are uneasy.
Ugh, can you help? Have I ever failed you before? He's the love of your life.
I see many children.
Kajagoogoo! He's not gay.
I like that Mark Fuhrman.
A Palm Pilot.
It's not cancer.
A dog is like a child.
He's gay.
High colonics.
Essential oils.
CBD.
There's no such thing as bisexual.
Hillary Clinton! You can always trust your Vaganya.
Agree to disagree, but let's do this, anyway.
I'm feeling u-unsatisfied and unhappy, but I don't know why.
The cards know, huh? Ace of Swords, Four of Pentacles, the Lovers.
Mm.
Three of Swords and The Hermit.
Hmm.
What do they mean? The Swords reveal betrayal and heartbreak, but also opportunity.
And the Pentacles say that you are withholding something.
Love, it seems.
From who? This is a mystery you conceal even from yourself, hmm? You must find the one from whom you withhold your love, and the path to happiness will be made clear.
Your heart must be your guide.
My heart? My heart can barely be trusted to get me through a Pilates DVD.
Fine.
Ignore advice, continue sadness.
[SIGHS.]
You used to give more specific answers.
You used to ask more specific questions.
So this is my fault? Yes.
- How? - It says in the - It's in the circle here? - lf you can read it the way I read, trust that it's your fault.
Don't touch the cards.
Hey, wait up.
What's your schedule today? Pretend to be English, sell beer.
Why? Well, per your marketing suggestion, we have a corporate group coming in.
Yay! See? I told you.
The words "team building opportunity" can be used to justify almost any expense.
Massages, paintballing, orgasmic meditation.
Ugh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here's their itinerary.
Have fun.
You want me to take them around? You speak their language.
Yeah, I mean, but I'm not even totally fluent in this one yet.
Granted, they're mostly thous and thees and double entendres, but still.
Yeah, fine, grab Pizzle.
Excuse me? Oh, David.
Right.
See? Double entendre.
I got the crème fraîche.
- Pardon? - I hid it in the back.
What are you talking about? The employee food request sheet.
I recognized your handwriting and your sophisticated palate.
Oh, right, yes.
That was for Brian.
This is me.
"With added calcium.
" Oh.
That's smart.
Bones.
They're important.
So I guess they're from "Earth Hole," whatever that is.
"Earth Hole.
" "Earth Hole.
" [WITH FAKE LISP.]
Sounds like I'm lisping.
Maybe we should get Helen to escort them.
Yeah, maybe.
You guys could swap stories.
I'm not saying they aren't nice.
I'm saying they took advantage.
I'm sure that's not how they were looking at it.
Well, they should have been.
They're a throuple.
They have an extra set of eyes.
Okay.
Did you notice Stephen didn't even finish his branzino? - No.
- I did.
I made a mental note as soon as he ordered it.
Why? Because it's the most expensive thing on the menu.
Who does that? - People who like branzino? - No, no.
People who like branzino order it, eat it, and pay for it.
People like Stephen order it, leave half, and get other people to pay for it.
Aren't there more important things than a couple dollars between friends? Ours were couple dollars.
Theirs were throuple dollars.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You really like hitting the throuple part.
Well, it's the labradoodle of relationships.
I mean, I get there are advantages, but it still feels artificial.
Oh! Hey, you guys.
Speaking of artificial So, should we have a sign or something? Or would that make us look like limo drivers at JFK baggage claim? Pretty sure we don't look like limo drivers.
I know that.
I'm just saying, we don't know what they look like, and they don't know what we look like.
They're bourgeois workers.
Look for khakis and polos.
- They're not from Best Buy.
- Fine.
Okay, what is going on with you? I guess I'm confused.
No.
Confused is, like, "Huh, what?" You're more like, "Ugh, grr," which is mad.
So if you don't know the difference, then okay, - maybe you are confused.
- I'm confused why you didn't tell me that the lawyer you got for Delilah is your ex-fiancé.
Oh.
Well I guess because he's a lawyer, and she needed a lawyer, so I got her a lawyer.
You think it's weird I didn't mention it.
- Do you think it's weird? - I didn't, otherwise, - I would have mentioned it.
- So if it had been weird, - you would have brought it up.
- Yes.
But because it wasn't weird, you kept it a secret.
- Exactly.
- Ahh.
Okay, now it feels weird.
This is gonna be so good.
Let's go! - Let's go! - Whoo-hoo! [SCOFFS.]
They don't work at Best Buy, David, you moron.
- Shut up! - I got it! Got it, guys! Come on! Whoo, let's do this! [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Toot, toot, beep, beep, we have touched down in Merry Old England.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Welcome to Shropshire, Mistress! - Yes! - Oh, thanks a bunch.
[NORMALLY.]
Jazzed to be here.
Sherl Wardak, Earth Hole.
- Ophelia Feelsgood.
- Oh, yes, she does.
- Oh! - Ohh.
Yes.
Pizzle Humpsalot.
Okay, yes.
- Yes.
- Humpsalot? Ooh, I like it here already.
- Whoo.
- Come on in, "Sher-el.
" Okay.
"Sherl," it's "Sherl.
" When we humping? Uhh hey.
José.
I I want you to know how much I have enjoyed our time together this season.
Same, same.
But also how much I regret using you, um, for taking from you without giving to you.
I shared my bed, but never my heart.
Uh okay.
- Do you love me? - What? Do you love me, and do you want me to love you? Oh, shit.
You're pregnant? - No.
- I support your right to choose.
No, José, I am not capable of having a child.
Oh, me, neither.
Physically capable.
Same.
Plus mentally.
- No, what I mean is - I can drive you.
Drive me where? - To the clinic.
- Clinic? Yeah, to get an a-b o Ugh, José, no! Okay, then, let's do it.
You have it, and we'll raise it like it's ours.
But can we name it Bear? I had a hamster named Bear.
Oh, for God's sake, never mind! As you were.
Well, whatever you decide, I'll be right here.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
[CRUNCH!.]
WOMAN: Uh-oh.
That's not good.
I know which one.
- Very attractive.
- Ooh, yes.
Oh, I spotted a shoe! - Whoo! - Ooh, yes.
- My goodness.
- Ooh, yes! Whoa.
And what is your name? - Sam.
- [GASPS.]
That's my husband's name.
It's short for Samantha.
So's my husband.
Short, that is.
- Comes up to about here.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Ooh, led you up the garden path, he did.
'Cause I thought he was a gnome.
[LAUGHTER.]
And you know what they say.
BOTH: There's no players like gnomes.
There's no players like gnomes.
Get it? - Like the "Wizard of Oz"? - "No place like home.
" Also has short people in it.
Nope, okay.
Right over the head.
Still, my husband gave me seven, sweet, beautiful, miniature children.
And how many children do you have? - Zero.
- [GASPS.]
Zero? Zero, as in none? Can you even imagine having zero children? Prunella? It was a rhetorical question, so you don't have to imagine it.
And if you are imagining it, please stop.
Prunella? Guess we hit a nerve.
She's going through some stuff.
Sam, how are you at washing? Uhh, we could grab a movie.
[GASPS.]
Yes, the new "Avengers," the one with all of them.
I don't think it's all of them.
No, it is all of them.
Spoiler alert.
Okay, well, how do you define "all of them"? [GASPS.]
Hey, you two.
Hey.
Hey, you three.
We had such a good time last night.
- So fun.
- So fun.
- So fun.
- Yeah.
- So fun.
- Actually, we were thinking We're seeing a movie, if that's what you were thinking.
The new Nancy Meyers movie? What's it called? - Umm, umm - "As Long As You're At It.
" Yes.
Right, wait.
How funny does Steve Martin - look as Diane Keaton's son? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Come on.
- That's crazy.
Very funny, but we were planning on seeing the new "Avengers.
" - Mm-hmm.
- The one with all of them.
- Huh.
- Oh, okay.
Uh, should we vote? - On what? - On what movie we're all gonna see.
"As Long As You're At It" or "Avengers.
" - All of us? - Yeah, okay.
So whoever wants to see "The Avengers," raise your hands.
No.
- Put that hand down.
- Right.
You automatically have the majority vote.
What's next? We pay for half a popcorn, but only get two-fifths of it? - You sound crazy.
- You can't pick up half a check, and then claim more than half the votes on what movie to see.
I mean, who does that? Wh-Who does that, people? No, not good people, okay? That's insane.
That's insane.
Not me.
No.
That's insane.
Especially when you weren't even invited to the movie in the first place.
[HUFFS.]
I was gonna vote for "The Avengers.
" SHERL: I make my own barbecue sauces and everything.
- AMANDA: Really? What flavors? - Yeah.
Oh, barbecue.
So, Earth Hole.
Is that like an eco-conservation company? Ah, sorta.
We use a hydraulic process to extract clean-burning gas and petroleum from shale.
Cool Wait, isn't that fracking? It's not-not fracking, but we don't call it that anymore.
Did you know they're a fracking company? No, but I don't get told a lot of stuff.
Is that directed at me because I didn't tell you about Brett? Because the reason I didn't tell you about Brett is because there's nothing to tell, okay? - Okay.
- Really? No! Honestly, are you so self-involved that you can't even see my point of view just a little bit? - Self-involved? - Yes! Self-involved.
And what was the other part? SHERL: Hey! You two! Are we gonna hurl hatchets or what? Okay, Earth Holes, here's where you get your axe handed to you.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Hold it like this! Keep your eyes on the target.
If it helps, instead of a hay bale, you can picture somebody who said they were totally into you, but then backed off because you had a girlfriend.
But then, while you were breaking up with your girlfriend to be with them, they got back in touch with their ex - and kept it on the down low! - [AXE THUDS.]
Die, Linda! - [CHEERING.]
- Yeah.
That technique really works.
Have you seen Delilah? No.
What's going on? Oh, poor thing.
Middle of our show, she just went fully mommy meltdown.
She just froze up and took off.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
I can't find her anywhere, and we still have a second show to do.
Well, don't worry.
I'm sure she'll be there.
That might be worse.
I can't do it with her.
I can't do it without her.
What do I do? Maybe it's time for that one-woman feminist piece - you've been working on.
- This audience isn't ready for "Me Too, Time's Up, You're It!" [SIGHS.]
You guys don't have understudies? - Do you? - Touché.
Nobody knows our show like we do.
Not entirely true.
Remember, he will be wearing a red thong.
- I need a hint.
- Hint? [CHUCKLES.]
I am fortune teller, not murder mystery party host.
But maybe for a few coins - Taffy! - No, n-not Taffy.
Not Taffy.
No, no.
Taffy, begone.
Ugh.
Oof.
I I say you are withholding love, but love can come in many forms, huh? Sexual, familial, fraternal, platonic.
You feel me? I believe I do.
Brian! I love you.
Oh, dear.
Maggie, we've been through this.
[LAUGHS.]
Not like that, you peacock.
- As a friend.
- Oh! Well, blessed be.
I love you, too, in that way.
Where's this sudden affection coming from? 'Cause last time, it was a fifth of cinnamon schnapps and a heated debate about Rupert Everett.
[LAUGHS.]
I had a Tarot reading done that revealed I've been withholding love from someone, but I don't know who.
That's ridiculous.
You're a very loving person.
I think so! Who could it be? Oh! Your sister.
- I love Siobhan.
- Do you? - Of course.
[SIGHS.]
- All right.
- But you haven't spoken - Well, that's on her.
I called last.
She owes me.
Okay.
Look around.
You adore everyone here, and they adore you.
I know.
Except Amanda.
Except Amanda.
- Oh, God.
- You don't think? No, it can't be.
It's absurd.
Speaking of absurd, let me ask you something.
Five people go to dinner.
The check comes.
Who pays? Is this a riddle? Someone dead, and it turns out they were standing on a block of ice? - No.
- Was the weapon an icicle? - No, it's not a riddle.
- Oh, good.
I hate those things.
Why should I be made to feel a fool because I can't think of an ice weapon? Exactly.
Oh, but here's a good one.
What's small and brown and has a head and a tail, but no legs.
Oof.
I shudder to think.
A penny.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, that is good.
Yeah.
Anyway, you were saying? No idea.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Lords and ladies, welcome to 1585, when the battle of the sexes couldst only be won - with turkey legs! - Yeah! Get ready, get set Lords versus ladies! Compete! - Eat that meat! - Yeah! I can't believe I broke up with Callie for you.
You can't put that on me.
I didn't force you to break up with her.
Oh, no.
You just backed off, and then you made it clear that she was the reason.
That's called having scruples.
Oh, scruples, right.
I forgot that those and honesty were mutually exclusive.
I was not being dishonest.
- I was taking things slow.
- With me or Brett? With you, you moron! Are you really this dumb? I don't know.
Are you really this immature? You play in the mud under the name "Pizzle Humpsalot.
" We make out once, and you go break up with your girlfriend.
Your last "real relationship" was with a married high school teacher, so you do not get to lecture me about maturity.
Because the real problem here isn't that I didn't tell you about Brett.
It's that you need to grow the hell up! [TURKEY LEG CLANGS.]
No! The problem is, you need to quit yakking and get snacking, princess.
I'm not losing my parking space to Dirk in marketing! [CHANTING.]
Eat that meat! Eat that meat! Eat that meat! Eat that meat! Eat that meat! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Ooh! Ooh, I like this one! He's a tall drink of water! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
That's why I chose him! 'Cause you know what always comes with a tall drink of water! BOTH: A long straw! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Whoo! You're a naughty one, Griselda! A naughty one? How dare you! I'm a naughty six! - Whoo! - [LAUGHTER.]
And if it's dark enough, I can pass for seven! [LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERING, LAUGHTER.]
Got to be real dark.
All those hours running lines with them.
Now we have understudies Uh-huh.
Pretty good ones, too.
Uh-huh.
We might even be able to take a break once in a while if we're feeling overwhelmed? Well, now what? And what is this term paper you would have me right? Does term mean terminal? Do you have the plague? Oh, oh! Away with you.
I must work on my new play, "A Midsummer's Night Dream 2: Lysander's Revenge.
" [CHUCKLES.]
That was funny.
How many plays did Shakespeare write? And somehow, you're more dramatic.
They forced my hand.
No, sweetie.
You forced your hand.
All you had to say was "Maybe some other time, we have plans.
" Propriety in the face of impropriety has never worked for me.
So you've tried it? My whole life, bottling up my feelings to spare others theirs and still being taken advantage of.
And it sucked.
Fine, so I'm dramatic.
So what? Most of the time, I also happen to be right.
"Why, what is pomp, rule, reign, but earth and dust? And, live we how we can, yet die we must.
" Are you Are you quoting me to me? We get one go-around, Brian.
You want to spend it enjoying food, friends, and movies? Or you want to spend it penciling out who had the branzino? - The first one.
- Yeah.
Do they think I'm a monster? No.
I smoothed things over.
Nice cap flip, by the way.
Thanks.
I've been working on it.
You can tell.
So how'd you leave things? Are we all going to see "As Long As You're At It"? - No.
- Oh, thank God.
We're having dinner again.
Juan! - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Mud guy, right? Big plastic balls guy, right? I prefer "Guy who owns the Orbs of Fury Attraction," but yeah.
- Alden.
- Cheers.
David.
You make good money, shoving kids in those things and letting them roll around? I do all right.
What about you? You make good money doing mud stuff? Good money, no, no.
It's not good.
And apparently, it's not very mature, so you looking for investors or anything like that or? Investors, no, but franchisees? Yes.
If you're interested, give me a call.
Yeah, okay.
Cheers.
EARTH HOLERS: Let's make an Earth Hole Find out what it's worth-hole Pumping in the water And sucking out the gas - Hey - Let's make an Earth-hole Find out what it's worth-hole Are we moving mountains? You bet your frackin' ass [LAUGHTER.]
Guess who's making regional manager? - Who? - Me, man.
What? That job was mine.
Sorry, bro.
Gotta hustle.
More like "gotta be a white dude.
" [LAUGHS.]
- What did you say? - Nothing.
Did you say I only got the job 'cause I'm sleeping with Kristeem, huh? - 'Cause I'm not.
- Okay.
That's what you said, isn't it? - No.
- Yes, it is.
No, it isn't, Wade.
He said it's 'cause you're white.
Dude.
And obviously it's not 'cause you're white.
It's 'cause you're white and sleeping with Kristeem.
Oh, screw you, man.
- Ugh! - Oh! Oh! I'm sorry, man.
I'm s-sorry.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh! [THUD.]
[YELLING.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Frackers, stop! You'll never beat the Scots! - Oh! - David! - Hey.
- Hi.
Oh.
No.
S-Sorry, I'm not into, umm, frackers.
Ugh! Ooh! [YELLING CONTINUES.]
[SCREAMS.]
[PANTING.]
I guess we should have stopped serving them sooner.
You think? Umm, I-I'll get Lee? - I'll cover you.
- Okay, thanks.
[YELLING CONTINUES.]
- God save the queen! - God save the queen! Oh, damn it.
Arise, mistress.
And how fare you this day? - Very well, your grace, but I've got - Walk with me.
- Now? - Please.
MAN: Hi, Your Majesty! Our time together at this faire is nearly at an end.
And while we have not always shared the same vision towards landscape, there can be no disputing your commitment to its community.
Grammercy.
I do say you now feel as though you've received love from me.
- No.
- Oh, fair enough.
- So if that's all? - lt's not.
- Damn it.
- I think it important that we attempt to improve our fellowship.
Particularly if we're both heading to the same faire next.
Oh! Well, yeah, it would be.
I mean, if we were, which we could be, or I could be headed home soon.
At least that's what my family thinks is happening.
Everyone seems to be knowing what I'm doing next but me.
I'm surprised.
I thought you were committed.
I am.
No, I am to thisfaire.
But just because you go to one awesome show, it doesn't mean you have to follow the band around the whole country, you know? Oh, God, do I.
Three words Bel Biv Devoe.
So, you were planning on me sticking around, huh? Well, you know what they say.
Hope for the best, plan for the What the hell is going on there?! [ALL SCREAMING.]
Oh, God.
Lee.
Excuse me! [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
Drunks.
Lee! Delilah? [SOBBING.]
First my son gets taken away from me, [SNIFFLES.]
and then my show gets taken away from me? Oh, honey.
They're my babies, Lu.
Two things I created all on my own.
You did have some help.
Oh, please.
Zeb did five, maybe six minutes of work.
I meant our show.
Oh, right, yes.
You were very helpful there.
That's true.
And they're not being taken away from you.
They're just broadening their horizons.
But what if they like the other horizon better? What if the other horizon is better? What if everything changes, and nothing stays the same forever? De.
It just hurts.
- [SIGHS.]
- Lil Boy only has one mama.
That is never changing.
And nobody does our show like we do.
Damn straight, they don't.
You're just taking a little time off work.
Big deal.
Except for me it's not work.
It's my joy.
Okay.
Well, then, let's go get your joy back.
Oh, I want to.
But, Lu, it's kidnapping.
Again, I was talking about - the show.
- Show.
Yes.
- Let's go do that.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[MEN MOANING.]
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Aah! Sorry I called you moron.
That's okay.
I'm sorry I said you were immature.
- And self-involved.
- And self-involved.
And I shouldn't have said that you have the worst case of Peter Pan Syndrome I've ever seen.
- You didn't say that.
- I didn't? Pretty sure.
Oh.
I also didn't think it.
Thanks.
I wasn't trying to hide Brett from you, but I can see how it looked.
I shouldn't have said that I broke up with Callie for you.
- Even though you did? - Which I totally did.
I like you.
Like, like like? Or, like, like? Well, real sorry about all this.
Got a bit of a rowdy crowdy out here.
Had a couple of b-holes ruin all the fun.
I hate that.
Uh, but you know what? If you ever need a large bore well drilled, this'll get you 10% off.
Not you! - You.
- Thank you.
I, uhh, put my personal number on the back there.
In case.
I got a hot tub.
All right.
Digits.
Sweet.
And a large bore drilling discount.
Well, it looks like she like likes you.
Well, I'm likeable.
It's nice.
You don't get punched as much.
What, so I'm not likeable? No, you're very likeable, but in a punchable kind of way.
A likeable, punchable mudbeggar.
Triple threat.
Mud's been good to me.
But I have been thinking about what you said.
Maybe it is time to grow up.
- Maybe I should - Go to law school.
What? No.
Diversify.
Like, I was gonna buy a game or a booth or something.
I don't know.
Why would I go to law school? No, you wouldn't.
I just thought, where I come from, that's what people do when they give up on their dreams.
[HORN PLAYING.]
[BELL TOLLING.]
Make way, make way! Make way for Sir Leaf Pygion and his bride-to-be, Lady Callie! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[HORSE HUFFING.]
They're getting married? How long have they known each other? Probably long enough to discuss everything they both know about anything.
So like a day, maybe? Roughly.
We're mean.
I'm mean.
You're likeable.
[CHUCKLES.]
DELILAH: To the well! Ophelia, come support the sisterhood! - Coming! - No, no, no, no.
Oh.
Hey, mud guy.
Hey, balls guy.
Uhh, so how much for a franchise? If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
I'm kidding.
5 grand.
For that you own it, operate it, and get full legal use of the name Orbs of Fury.
- 5 grand, huh? - Plus suffocation insurance.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Ladies and gentlemen, don't try this at home! We're trained professionals! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Technically, we're not trained.
Well, technically, this isn't a profession.
Technically you're not even wenches! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ladies and gentlemen, these are imposters! - Impersonators! - Charlatans! [CROWD BOOS.]
And this isn't a drag show! - It's a rag show! - Whoo! [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE.]
Huzzah! Okay, folks So, Leaf and Callie.
Good for them.
- Uh, yeah.
- It'll never last.
Mnh-mnh, nope.
They'll have good-looking babies, though.
- Long and strong.
- Yeah.
But a relationship based on looks alone - is not sustainable.
- No.
You need common interests, you know, things to talk about, the ability to talk about your common interests.
If you ask me Ahh.
The Moon.
This tells of a truth you hide, even from yourself.
[SPEAKING WITH LISP.]
Why does The Moon mean that? Because each day, it hides from us.
Each night, the sun hides.
Do The Sun and the Moon mean the same thing? No.
No.
No.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sun means success, happiness.
Moon, mysterious.
- The Sun is - Hot.
Yes.
- So hot.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Now, you must follow your heart to find this truth that you conceal from yourself.
Follow your heart, find the truth you conceal from yourself? Where have I heard that before? - Margaret.
- Don't "Margaret" me.
I came to you for soothsaying, and you gave me patter.
Why? Because you can't handle the sooth.
You're a fraud.
An old woman in a costume putting on an accent, pretending to possess a power she doesn't really have.
Pot, kettle.
Kettle, pot.
- How dare you? - Huh! People see what they want to see, believe what they want to believe, and hear what they want to hear.
Or need to hear.
There are only seven stories in the world.
Why should yours be unique? So are we done? And so, by performing as Griselda I was not only able to access my feminine side, I was also untethered from the self-imposed vocabulary restrictions established by the character of Stick.
Dude.
All I said was, "That was fun, wasn't it?" - Knock, knock.
- Enter.
Uhh, hey, Maggie.
You have a message from Sanjeep from the Myron J.
Shapiro agency.
Said he's been trying to call you.
And I've been trying to ignore said calls.
Yeah, but they said somebody fell out of the chorus, and the producers want you to put a song on tape.
I mean, that sounds pretty big.
Not interested.
- Why? - Because it is big, and small fish fare better in small ponds.
Okay, but you're not a small fish.
You're a big fish who deserves a big pond.
Actually, you know what? Scratch that.
The big pond deserves you.
Do you really think so? Yeah, I've thought so for a long time.
Oh, Lee.
- Yes? - How could I be so blind? There is someone I've been with holding my love from.
- It's me - It's myself! Uhh - W-what? - Self love.
The most important kind.
Oh, Lee.
Thank you for showing me the sort of confidence I should have been showing me.
I won't forget this.
Me, neither.
So, do you mind? I need to return this call.
Oh, yeah.
Duh.
You gotta do that, and the faire's not gonna run itself.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got to, uhh Jesus.
Okay, bye.
[CHUCKLING.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
Hey! This is where I slept the first night.
This is where I sleep every night.
Why are you being competitive about sleeping? Natural male instinct.
I'll stop.
- Thanks.
- But I'm better at sex than you.
- Ew.
- That was a joke.
I know.
Whoa! Bet you're not.
I'm proud of you.
Don't be.
No, I am.
This is hard for you.
Well, you showed me the way.
We eat.
They eat.
We pay half.
They pay half.
It's a numbers game.
What? No.
It's about letting go of the numbers.
You say potato, I say truffle potato.
- Brian.
- And what can I bring you? Yes.
I will have the blue crab cocktail, the, uh, lobster mac and cheese.
That sounds good.
Umm, the porterhouse for two, oh, with a side of the pipi'i loa foie gras.
[LAUGHS.]
I am so hungry! [LAUGHS.]
Mm! Should we get something for the table? [TOILET FLUSHES.]
We [GULPS.]
win.
Are you done? Yes.
Not done.
[VOMITS.]
It's time I put myself first.
MAGGIE: I went to the city, auditioned for a musical.
Save your gasp.
I didn't get it.
These aren't traffic fine envelopes.
These are jail envelopes.
[SIGHS.]
My parents want custody of Lil Boy.
I think I know somebody who can help.
Brett? It's me.
I am awarding sole legal custody to Delilah Quaid.
- Yes! - With joint physical custody to be shared with Art and Alma Quaid.
[GAVEL BANGS.]
I think that we should cool it.
- Why? - Because you have a girlfriend.
I want to break up.
Oh, I didn't realize we were together.
Hey! That is Delilah's lawyer.
He came here because he's her lawyer.
Uhh, okay.
Thank you.
You know, Amanda's ex.
I mean, how else could Delilah get him? [MAN SINGING IN ITALIAN.]
Mm! - Mm.
- Mm, mm.
- Come on.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm? - It's good.
- So, the tiramisu? - It's amazing.
I just love tiramisu.
I mean, it has everything.
Coffee, alcohol, cookies, cheese.
The four food groups.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's true.
And I love this.
Our dessert.
- Call it by its name.
- Cake.
- Aww.
- [LAUGHS.]
Millefoglie.
- Mille-fog-lia.
- Millefoglie.
You're not saying the "g," though.
I know.
We acknowledge the "g," and then we walk right past it.
Okay, but it's written Okay, fine.
- Mille-fog - He's not gonna get it.
[LAUGHTER.]
- It's so fun.
- So fun.
So fun.
- Ohh.
- I was close.
No.
Molto grazie.
Okay, so, you guys had the bistecca, the branzino Should we split it? Yes.
- The burrata.
- Great, let's go halfsies.
- Mm.
- Halfsies? Yeah.
It's so much easier.
- Yes, but - Right? - Restaurant math is the worst.
- [GROANS.]
- But it's - No, it's perfect.
Halfsies it is.
Now remember, just because Eve ate the apple doesn't mean all women are evil.
Yes, Mama.
And Jesus may have had a couple of good ideas, but that doesn't mean everything he said was right.
- Okay, Mama.
- Oh, and don't forget that Christmas just happens to fall on the same day as the Winter Solstice every year.
- Coincidence? - Nope.
Come here, my spiritually evolved little smartie.
They keep Squirt and Funyuns in a cooler under the front porch.
Oh, I almost forgot! Can you give this to Rat Cat? Your possum can read? It's a goodbye note so he knows that I'll be back.
He looked sad this morning.
Of course.
But, honey, I don't I don't think Rat Cat's gonna come around when you're not here.
You know, you won't be there waiting with treats and snuggles or anything.
Which is why you have to tell him I love him and not to worry.
I'll tell him so hard.
And I told him not to poop on your pillow again.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
Okay.
Delilah.
Mother.
Come on in, Zeb Jr.
Or Lil Boy, whatever you prefer.
Come on.
Bye, Mama.
- Love you, Mama! - Love you, too, my little baby precious angel boy! [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
I burned all those old court summons.
Summonses? Summons? I don't know.
Anyway, I burned 'em.
- It felt good.
- Right? I once did that with my boyfriend's A-E-Pi's T-shirt collection.
God, it was cleansing.
Not that it's the same.
I mean, you're dealing with joint custody, visitation rights, being away from your child for the first time.
Whereas I was dumping Dylan Schwenker Who was an emotional child But again, not the same same.
Lil Boy's gonna be fine, right? More than fine, yeah.
He's being exposed to another culture, like a summer abroad.
Only instead of metropolitan Paris, he's in Western Pennsylvania.
I just can't stop thinking about him.
I don't think I slept a wink last night.
I know it's hard.
Literally all my friends grew up going back and forth between two houses.
How'd they turn out? Great.
Yeah! Yeah, they're all great.
Want me to "Titanic" you? It always makes you feel better.
Yeah? I'm the Queen of the Faire! - Oh! Get down.
- Oh! Aunt Vaganya.
Margaret.
Do you have time for a reading? For the Queen of the Faire? - Always.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
I sense you are uneasy.
Ugh, can you help? Have I ever failed you before? He's the love of your life.
I see many children.
Kajagoogoo! He's not gay.
I like that Mark Fuhrman.
A Palm Pilot.
It's not cancer.
A dog is like a child.
He's gay.
High colonics.
Essential oils.
CBD.
There's no such thing as bisexual.
Hillary Clinton! You can always trust your Vaganya.
Agree to disagree, but let's do this, anyway.
I'm feeling u-unsatisfied and unhappy, but I don't know why.
The cards know, huh? Ace of Swords, Four of Pentacles, the Lovers.
Mm.
Three of Swords and The Hermit.
Hmm.
What do they mean? The Swords reveal betrayal and heartbreak, but also opportunity.
And the Pentacles say that you are withholding something.
Love, it seems.
From who? This is a mystery you conceal even from yourself, hmm? You must find the one from whom you withhold your love, and the path to happiness will be made clear.
Your heart must be your guide.
My heart? My heart can barely be trusted to get me through a Pilates DVD.
Fine.
Ignore advice, continue sadness.
[SIGHS.]
You used to give more specific answers.
You used to ask more specific questions.
So this is my fault? Yes.
- How? - It says in the - It's in the circle here? - lf you can read it the way I read, trust that it's your fault.
Don't touch the cards.
Hey, wait up.
What's your schedule today? Pretend to be English, sell beer.
Why? Well, per your marketing suggestion, we have a corporate group coming in.
Yay! See? I told you.
The words "team building opportunity" can be used to justify almost any expense.
Massages, paintballing, orgasmic meditation.
Ugh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here's their itinerary.
Have fun.
You want me to take them around? You speak their language.
Yeah, I mean, but I'm not even totally fluent in this one yet.
Granted, they're mostly thous and thees and double entendres, but still.
Yeah, fine, grab Pizzle.
Excuse me? Oh, David.
Right.
See? Double entendre.
I got the crème fraîche.
- Pardon? - I hid it in the back.
What are you talking about? The employee food request sheet.
I recognized your handwriting and your sophisticated palate.
Oh, right, yes.
That was for Brian.
This is me.
"With added calcium.
" Oh.
That's smart.
Bones.
They're important.
So I guess they're from "Earth Hole," whatever that is.
"Earth Hole.
" "Earth Hole.
" [WITH FAKE LISP.]
Sounds like I'm lisping.
Maybe we should get Helen to escort them.
Yeah, maybe.
You guys could swap stories.
I'm not saying they aren't nice.
I'm saying they took advantage.
I'm sure that's not how they were looking at it.
Well, they should have been.
They're a throuple.
They have an extra set of eyes.
Okay.
Did you notice Stephen didn't even finish his branzino? - No.
- I did.
I made a mental note as soon as he ordered it.
Why? Because it's the most expensive thing on the menu.
Who does that? - People who like branzino? - No, no.
People who like branzino order it, eat it, and pay for it.
People like Stephen order it, leave half, and get other people to pay for it.
Aren't there more important things than a couple dollars between friends? Ours were couple dollars.
Theirs were throuple dollars.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You really like hitting the throuple part.
Well, it's the labradoodle of relationships.
I mean, I get there are advantages, but it still feels artificial.
Oh! Hey, you guys.
Speaking of artificial So, should we have a sign or something? Or would that make us look like limo drivers at JFK baggage claim? Pretty sure we don't look like limo drivers.
I know that.
I'm just saying, we don't know what they look like, and they don't know what we look like.
They're bourgeois workers.
Look for khakis and polos.
- They're not from Best Buy.
- Fine.
Okay, what is going on with you? I guess I'm confused.
No.
Confused is, like, "Huh, what?" You're more like, "Ugh, grr," which is mad.
So if you don't know the difference, then okay, - maybe you are confused.
- I'm confused why you didn't tell me that the lawyer you got for Delilah is your ex-fiancé.
Oh.
Well I guess because he's a lawyer, and she needed a lawyer, so I got her a lawyer.
You think it's weird I didn't mention it.
- Do you think it's weird? - I didn't, otherwise, - I would have mentioned it.
- So if it had been weird, - you would have brought it up.
- Yes.
But because it wasn't weird, you kept it a secret.
- Exactly.
- Ahh.
Okay, now it feels weird.
This is gonna be so good.
Let's go! - Let's go! - Whoo-hoo! [SCOFFS.]
They don't work at Best Buy, David, you moron.
- Shut up! - I got it! Got it, guys! Come on! Whoo, let's do this! [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Toot, toot, beep, beep, we have touched down in Merry Old England.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Welcome to Shropshire, Mistress! - Yes! - Oh, thanks a bunch.
[NORMALLY.]
Jazzed to be here.
Sherl Wardak, Earth Hole.
- Ophelia Feelsgood.
- Oh, yes, she does.
- Oh! - Ohh.
Yes.
Pizzle Humpsalot.
Okay, yes.
- Yes.
- Humpsalot? Ooh, I like it here already.
- Whoo.
- Come on in, "Sher-el.
" Okay.
"Sherl," it's "Sherl.
" When we humping? Uhh hey.
José.
I I want you to know how much I have enjoyed our time together this season.
Same, same.
But also how much I regret using you, um, for taking from you without giving to you.
I shared my bed, but never my heart.
Uh okay.
- Do you love me? - What? Do you love me, and do you want me to love you? Oh, shit.
You're pregnant? - No.
- I support your right to choose.
No, José, I am not capable of having a child.
Oh, me, neither.
Physically capable.
Same.
Plus mentally.
- No, what I mean is - I can drive you.
Drive me where? - To the clinic.
- Clinic? Yeah, to get an a-b o Ugh, José, no! Okay, then, let's do it.
You have it, and we'll raise it like it's ours.
But can we name it Bear? I had a hamster named Bear.
Oh, for God's sake, never mind! As you were.
Well, whatever you decide, I'll be right here.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
[CRUNCH!.]
WOMAN: Uh-oh.
That's not good.
I know which one.
- Very attractive.
- Ooh, yes.
Oh, I spotted a shoe! - Whoo! - Ooh, yes.
- My goodness.
- Ooh, yes! Whoa.
And what is your name? - Sam.
- [GASPS.]
That's my husband's name.
It's short for Samantha.
So's my husband.
Short, that is.
- Comes up to about here.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Ooh, led you up the garden path, he did.
'Cause I thought he was a gnome.
[LAUGHTER.]
And you know what they say.
BOTH: There's no players like gnomes.
There's no players like gnomes.
Get it? - Like the "Wizard of Oz"? - "No place like home.
" Also has short people in it.
Nope, okay.
Right over the head.
Still, my husband gave me seven, sweet, beautiful, miniature children.
And how many children do you have? - Zero.
- [GASPS.]
Zero? Zero, as in none? Can you even imagine having zero children? Prunella? It was a rhetorical question, so you don't have to imagine it.
And if you are imagining it, please stop.
Prunella? Guess we hit a nerve.
She's going through some stuff.
Sam, how are you at washing? Uhh, we could grab a movie.
[GASPS.]
Yes, the new "Avengers," the one with all of them.
I don't think it's all of them.
No, it is all of them.
Spoiler alert.
Okay, well, how do you define "all of them"? [GASPS.]
Hey, you two.
Hey.
Hey, you three.
We had such a good time last night.
- So fun.
- So fun.
- So fun.
- Yeah.
- So fun.
- Actually, we were thinking We're seeing a movie, if that's what you were thinking.
The new Nancy Meyers movie? What's it called? - Umm, umm - "As Long As You're At It.
" Yes.
Right, wait.
How funny does Steve Martin - look as Diane Keaton's son? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Come on.
- That's crazy.
Very funny, but we were planning on seeing the new "Avengers.
" - Mm-hmm.
- The one with all of them.
- Huh.
- Oh, okay.
Uh, should we vote? - On what? - On what movie we're all gonna see.
"As Long As You're At It" or "Avengers.
" - All of us? - Yeah, okay.
So whoever wants to see "The Avengers," raise your hands.
No.
- Put that hand down.
- Right.
You automatically have the majority vote.
What's next? We pay for half a popcorn, but only get two-fifths of it? - You sound crazy.
- You can't pick up half a check, and then claim more than half the votes on what movie to see.
I mean, who does that? Wh-Who does that, people? No, not good people, okay? That's insane.
That's insane.
Not me.
No.
That's insane.
Especially when you weren't even invited to the movie in the first place.
[HUFFS.]
I was gonna vote for "The Avengers.
" SHERL: I make my own barbecue sauces and everything.
- AMANDA: Really? What flavors? - Yeah.
Oh, barbecue.
So, Earth Hole.
Is that like an eco-conservation company? Ah, sorta.
We use a hydraulic process to extract clean-burning gas and petroleum from shale.
Cool Wait, isn't that fracking? It's not-not fracking, but we don't call it that anymore.
Did you know they're a fracking company? No, but I don't get told a lot of stuff.
Is that directed at me because I didn't tell you about Brett? Because the reason I didn't tell you about Brett is because there's nothing to tell, okay? - Okay.
- Really? No! Honestly, are you so self-involved that you can't even see my point of view just a little bit? - Self-involved? - Yes! Self-involved.
And what was the other part? SHERL: Hey! You two! Are we gonna hurl hatchets or what? Okay, Earth Holes, here's where you get your axe handed to you.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Hold it like this! Keep your eyes on the target.
If it helps, instead of a hay bale, you can picture somebody who said they were totally into you, but then backed off because you had a girlfriend.
But then, while you were breaking up with your girlfriend to be with them, they got back in touch with their ex - and kept it on the down low! - [AXE THUDS.]
Die, Linda! - [CHEERING.]
- Yeah.
That technique really works.
Have you seen Delilah? No.
What's going on? Oh, poor thing.
Middle of our show, she just went fully mommy meltdown.
She just froze up and took off.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
I can't find her anywhere, and we still have a second show to do.
Well, don't worry.
I'm sure she'll be there.
That might be worse.
I can't do it with her.
I can't do it without her.
What do I do? Maybe it's time for that one-woman feminist piece - you've been working on.
- This audience isn't ready for "Me Too, Time's Up, You're It!" [SIGHS.]
You guys don't have understudies? - Do you? - Touché.
Nobody knows our show like we do.
Not entirely true.
Remember, he will be wearing a red thong.
- I need a hint.
- Hint? [CHUCKLES.]
I am fortune teller, not murder mystery party host.
But maybe for a few coins - Taffy! - No, n-not Taffy.
Not Taffy.
No, no.
Taffy, begone.
Ugh.
Oof.
I I say you are withholding love, but love can come in many forms, huh? Sexual, familial, fraternal, platonic.
You feel me? I believe I do.
Brian! I love you.
Oh, dear.
Maggie, we've been through this.
[LAUGHS.]
Not like that, you peacock.
- As a friend.
- Oh! Well, blessed be.
I love you, too, in that way.
Where's this sudden affection coming from? 'Cause last time, it was a fifth of cinnamon schnapps and a heated debate about Rupert Everett.
[LAUGHS.]
I had a Tarot reading done that revealed I've been withholding love from someone, but I don't know who.
That's ridiculous.
You're a very loving person.
I think so! Who could it be? Oh! Your sister.
- I love Siobhan.
- Do you? - Of course.
[SIGHS.]
- All right.
- But you haven't spoken - Well, that's on her.
I called last.
She owes me.
Okay.
Look around.
You adore everyone here, and they adore you.
I know.
Except Amanda.
Except Amanda.
- Oh, God.
- You don't think? No, it can't be.
It's absurd.
Speaking of absurd, let me ask you something.
Five people go to dinner.
The check comes.
Who pays? Is this a riddle? Someone dead, and it turns out they were standing on a block of ice? - No.
- Was the weapon an icicle? - No, it's not a riddle.
- Oh, good.
I hate those things.
Why should I be made to feel a fool because I can't think of an ice weapon? Exactly.
Oh, but here's a good one.
What's small and brown and has a head and a tail, but no legs.
Oof.
I shudder to think.
A penny.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, that is good.
Yeah.
Anyway, you were saying? No idea.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Lords and ladies, welcome to 1585, when the battle of the sexes couldst only be won - with turkey legs! - Yeah! Get ready, get set Lords versus ladies! Compete! - Eat that meat! - Yeah! I can't believe I broke up with Callie for you.
You can't put that on me.
I didn't force you to break up with her.
Oh, no.
You just backed off, and then you made it clear that she was the reason.
That's called having scruples.
Oh, scruples, right.
I forgot that those and honesty were mutually exclusive.
I was not being dishonest.
- I was taking things slow.
- With me or Brett? With you, you moron! Are you really this dumb? I don't know.
Are you really this immature? You play in the mud under the name "Pizzle Humpsalot.
" We make out once, and you go break up with your girlfriend.
Your last "real relationship" was with a married high school teacher, so you do not get to lecture me about maturity.
Because the real problem here isn't that I didn't tell you about Brett.
It's that you need to grow the hell up! [TURKEY LEG CLANGS.]
No! The problem is, you need to quit yakking and get snacking, princess.
I'm not losing my parking space to Dirk in marketing! [CHANTING.]
Eat that meat! Eat that meat! Eat that meat! Eat that meat! Eat that meat! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Ooh! Ooh, I like this one! He's a tall drink of water! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
That's why I chose him! 'Cause you know what always comes with a tall drink of water! BOTH: A long straw! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Whoo! You're a naughty one, Griselda! A naughty one? How dare you! I'm a naughty six! - Whoo! - [LAUGHTER.]
And if it's dark enough, I can pass for seven! [LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERING, LAUGHTER.]
Got to be real dark.
All those hours running lines with them.
Now we have understudies Uh-huh.
Pretty good ones, too.
Uh-huh.
We might even be able to take a break once in a while if we're feeling overwhelmed? Well, now what? And what is this term paper you would have me right? Does term mean terminal? Do you have the plague? Oh, oh! Away with you.
I must work on my new play, "A Midsummer's Night Dream 2: Lysander's Revenge.
" [CHUCKLES.]
That was funny.
How many plays did Shakespeare write? And somehow, you're more dramatic.
They forced my hand.
No, sweetie.
You forced your hand.
All you had to say was "Maybe some other time, we have plans.
" Propriety in the face of impropriety has never worked for me.
So you've tried it? My whole life, bottling up my feelings to spare others theirs and still being taken advantage of.
And it sucked.
Fine, so I'm dramatic.
So what? Most of the time, I also happen to be right.
"Why, what is pomp, rule, reign, but earth and dust? And, live we how we can, yet die we must.
" Are you Are you quoting me to me? We get one go-around, Brian.
You want to spend it enjoying food, friends, and movies? Or you want to spend it penciling out who had the branzino? - The first one.
- Yeah.
Do they think I'm a monster? No.
I smoothed things over.
Nice cap flip, by the way.
Thanks.
I've been working on it.
You can tell.
So how'd you leave things? Are we all going to see "As Long As You're At It"? - No.
- Oh, thank God.
We're having dinner again.
Juan! - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Mud guy, right? Big plastic balls guy, right? I prefer "Guy who owns the Orbs of Fury Attraction," but yeah.
- Alden.
- Cheers.
David.
You make good money, shoving kids in those things and letting them roll around? I do all right.
What about you? You make good money doing mud stuff? Good money, no, no.
It's not good.
And apparently, it's not very mature, so you looking for investors or anything like that or? Investors, no, but franchisees? Yes.
If you're interested, give me a call.
Yeah, okay.
Cheers.
EARTH HOLERS: Let's make an Earth Hole Find out what it's worth-hole Pumping in the water And sucking out the gas - Hey - Let's make an Earth-hole Find out what it's worth-hole Are we moving mountains? You bet your frackin' ass [LAUGHTER.]
Guess who's making regional manager? - Who? - Me, man.
What? That job was mine.
Sorry, bro.
Gotta hustle.
More like "gotta be a white dude.
" [LAUGHS.]
- What did you say? - Nothing.
Did you say I only got the job 'cause I'm sleeping with Kristeem, huh? - 'Cause I'm not.
- Okay.
That's what you said, isn't it? - No.
- Yes, it is.
No, it isn't, Wade.
He said it's 'cause you're white.
Dude.
And obviously it's not 'cause you're white.
It's 'cause you're white and sleeping with Kristeem.
Oh, screw you, man.
- Ugh! - Oh! Oh! I'm sorry, man.
I'm s-sorry.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh! [THUD.]
[YELLING.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Frackers, stop! You'll never beat the Scots! - Oh! - David! - Hey.
- Hi.
Oh.
No.
S-Sorry, I'm not into, umm, frackers.
Ugh! Ooh! [YELLING CONTINUES.]
[SCREAMS.]
[PANTING.]
I guess we should have stopped serving them sooner.
You think? Umm, I-I'll get Lee? - I'll cover you.
- Okay, thanks.
[YELLING CONTINUES.]
- God save the queen! - God save the queen! Oh, damn it.
Arise, mistress.
And how fare you this day? - Very well, your grace, but I've got - Walk with me.
- Now? - Please.
MAN: Hi, Your Majesty! Our time together at this faire is nearly at an end.
And while we have not always shared the same vision towards landscape, there can be no disputing your commitment to its community.
Grammercy.
I do say you now feel as though you've received love from me.
- No.
- Oh, fair enough.
- So if that's all? - lt's not.
- Damn it.
- I think it important that we attempt to improve our fellowship.
Particularly if we're both heading to the same faire next.
Oh! Well, yeah, it would be.
I mean, if we were, which we could be, or I could be headed home soon.
At least that's what my family thinks is happening.
Everyone seems to be knowing what I'm doing next but me.
I'm surprised.
I thought you were committed.
I am.
No, I am to thisfaire.
But just because you go to one awesome show, it doesn't mean you have to follow the band around the whole country, you know? Oh, God, do I.
Three words Bel Biv Devoe.
So, you were planning on me sticking around, huh? Well, you know what they say.
Hope for the best, plan for the What the hell is going on there?! [ALL SCREAMING.]
Oh, God.
Lee.
Excuse me! [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
Drunks.
Lee! Delilah? [SOBBING.]
First my son gets taken away from me, [SNIFFLES.]
and then my show gets taken away from me? Oh, honey.
They're my babies, Lu.
Two things I created all on my own.
You did have some help.
Oh, please.
Zeb did five, maybe six minutes of work.
I meant our show.
Oh, right, yes.
You were very helpful there.
That's true.
And they're not being taken away from you.
They're just broadening their horizons.
But what if they like the other horizon better? What if the other horizon is better? What if everything changes, and nothing stays the same forever? De.
It just hurts.
- [SIGHS.]
- Lil Boy only has one mama.
That is never changing.
And nobody does our show like we do.
Damn straight, they don't.
You're just taking a little time off work.
Big deal.
Except for me it's not work.
It's my joy.
Okay.
Well, then, let's go get your joy back.
Oh, I want to.
But, Lu, it's kidnapping.
Again, I was talking about - the show.
- Show.
Yes.
- Let's go do that.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[MEN MOANING.]
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Aah! Sorry I called you moron.
That's okay.
I'm sorry I said you were immature.
- And self-involved.
- And self-involved.
And I shouldn't have said that you have the worst case of Peter Pan Syndrome I've ever seen.
- You didn't say that.
- I didn't? Pretty sure.
Oh.
I also didn't think it.
Thanks.
I wasn't trying to hide Brett from you, but I can see how it looked.
I shouldn't have said that I broke up with Callie for you.
- Even though you did? - Which I totally did.
I like you.
Like, like like? Or, like, like? Well, real sorry about all this.
Got a bit of a rowdy crowdy out here.
Had a couple of b-holes ruin all the fun.
I hate that.
Uh, but you know what? If you ever need a large bore well drilled, this'll get you 10% off.
Not you! - You.
- Thank you.
I, uhh, put my personal number on the back there.
In case.
I got a hot tub.
All right.
Digits.
Sweet.
And a large bore drilling discount.
Well, it looks like she like likes you.
Well, I'm likeable.
It's nice.
You don't get punched as much.
What, so I'm not likeable? No, you're very likeable, but in a punchable kind of way.
A likeable, punchable mudbeggar.
Triple threat.
Mud's been good to me.
But I have been thinking about what you said.
Maybe it is time to grow up.
- Maybe I should - Go to law school.
What? No.
Diversify.
Like, I was gonna buy a game or a booth or something.
I don't know.
Why would I go to law school? No, you wouldn't.
I just thought, where I come from, that's what people do when they give up on their dreams.
[HORN PLAYING.]
[BELL TOLLING.]
Make way, make way! Make way for Sir Leaf Pygion and his bride-to-be, Lady Callie! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[HORSE HUFFING.]
They're getting married? How long have they known each other? Probably long enough to discuss everything they both know about anything.
So like a day, maybe? Roughly.
We're mean.
I'm mean.
You're likeable.
[CHUCKLES.]
DELILAH: To the well! Ophelia, come support the sisterhood! - Coming! - No, no, no, no.
Oh.
Hey, mud guy.
Hey, balls guy.
Uhh, so how much for a franchise? If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
I'm kidding.
5 grand.
For that you own it, operate it, and get full legal use of the name Orbs of Fury.
- 5 grand, huh? - Plus suffocation insurance.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Ladies and gentlemen, don't try this at home! We're trained professionals! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Technically, we're not trained.
Well, technically, this isn't a profession.
Technically you're not even wenches! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ladies and gentlemen, these are imposters! - Impersonators! - Charlatans! [CROWD BOOS.]
And this isn't a drag show! - It's a rag show! - Whoo! [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE.]
Huzzah! Okay, folks So, Leaf and Callie.
Good for them.
- Uh, yeah.
- It'll never last.
Mnh-mnh, nope.
They'll have good-looking babies, though.
- Long and strong.
- Yeah.
But a relationship based on looks alone - is not sustainable.
- No.
You need common interests, you know, things to talk about, the ability to talk about your common interests.
If you ask me Ahh.
The Moon.
This tells of a truth you hide, even from yourself.
[SPEAKING WITH LISP.]
Why does The Moon mean that? Because each day, it hides from us.
Each night, the sun hides.
Do The Sun and the Moon mean the same thing? No.
No.
No.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sun means success, happiness.
Moon, mysterious.
- The Sun is - Hot.
Yes.
- So hot.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Now, you must follow your heart to find this truth that you conceal from yourself.
Follow your heart, find the truth you conceal from yourself? Where have I heard that before? - Margaret.
- Don't "Margaret" me.
I came to you for soothsaying, and you gave me patter.
Why? Because you can't handle the sooth.
You're a fraud.
An old woman in a costume putting on an accent, pretending to possess a power she doesn't really have.
Pot, kettle.
Kettle, pot.
- How dare you? - Huh! People see what they want to see, believe what they want to believe, and hear what they want to hear.
Or need to hear.
There are only seven stories in the world.
Why should yours be unique? So are we done? And so, by performing as Griselda I was not only able to access my feminine side, I was also untethered from the self-imposed vocabulary restrictions established by the character of Stick.
Dude.
All I said was, "That was fun, wasn't it?" - Knock, knock.
- Enter.
Uhh, hey, Maggie.
You have a message from Sanjeep from the Myron J.
Shapiro agency.
Said he's been trying to call you.
And I've been trying to ignore said calls.
Yeah, but they said somebody fell out of the chorus, and the producers want you to put a song on tape.
I mean, that sounds pretty big.
Not interested.
- Why? - Because it is big, and small fish fare better in small ponds.
Okay, but you're not a small fish.
You're a big fish who deserves a big pond.
Actually, you know what? Scratch that.
The big pond deserves you.
Do you really think so? Yeah, I've thought so for a long time.
Oh, Lee.
- Yes? - How could I be so blind? There is someone I've been with holding my love from.
- It's me - It's myself! Uhh - W-what? - Self love.
The most important kind.
Oh, Lee.
Thank you for showing me the sort of confidence I should have been showing me.
I won't forget this.
Me, neither.
So, do you mind? I need to return this call.
Oh, yeah.
Duh.
You gotta do that, and the faire's not gonna run itself.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got to, uhh Jesus.
Okay, bye.
[CHUCKLING.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
Hey! This is where I slept the first night.
This is where I sleep every night.
Why are you being competitive about sleeping? Natural male instinct.
I'll stop.
- Thanks.
- But I'm better at sex than you.
- Ew.
- That was a joke.
I know.
Whoa! Bet you're not.
I'm proud of you.
Don't be.
No, I am.
This is hard for you.
Well, you showed me the way.
We eat.
They eat.
We pay half.
They pay half.
It's a numbers game.
What? No.
It's about letting go of the numbers.
You say potato, I say truffle potato.
- Brian.
- And what can I bring you? Yes.
I will have the blue crab cocktail, the, uh, lobster mac and cheese.
That sounds good.
Umm, the porterhouse for two, oh, with a side of the pipi'i loa foie gras.
[LAUGHS.]
I am so hungry! [LAUGHS.]
Mm! Should we get something for the table? [TOILET FLUSHES.]
We [GULPS.]
win.
Are you done? Yes.
Not done.
[VOMITS.]