An Idiot Abroad (2010) s01e00 Episode Script
The Preview Show
Hi.
I'm Ricky Gervais.
- With me, Stephen Merchant.
- Hello.
- And Karl Pilkington.
- All right? And we've made a brand-new series in which we send Karl around the world to see the Seven Wonders.
- Enjoy it? - No, I hated it.
That was sort of the point.
I was hoping for that.
- It's called An Idiot Abroad.
- I hate that as well.
He had no say in the title.
He thought it was Karl Pilkington's Seven Wonders.
- No.
- No.
An Idiot Abroad.
You must be happy you're on Sky 1 though.
- Stitched him right up.
- Right gp! The seven wonders of the world.
If that was on my road, the council would be on it.
They'd go, "Get that down.
It's a death trap.
" It's like a pylon.
For people who don't know who Karl Pilkington is, how would you describe him? A little round-headed, bald, Manc, - missing link, chimp-like buffoon.
- Right.
- And you're a mate of his? - I'm a good friend.
Ai! It's hilarious cos it shows a man going through a bit of a crisis I am knackered, and I don't know how to get that across to them at home, I'm pissed off.
complaining all the time I'm not going on a camel again.
I'm not going on a camel again.
- Why? - I'm not going on a camel again.
Bollocks are squashed.
He's out of his comfort zone through the entire series.
Shit! Shit! I watch it and I just cry with laughter.
It is the funniest documentary I've ever seen.
Let me go home! Jesus Christ! I shall make it clear.
I wanted to send Karl Pilkington around the world because I thought it would broaden his mind, he's a typical little Englander, he's never gone anywhere exciting, I thought it would inflame his imagination as he saw other parts of the world.
Er, I didn't think that.
I knew he'd hate it.
And that's why I did it.
Couldn't stand it.
There was no broadening of the mind going on.
I don't know what you mean, what do you mean by that? What does that saying mean? What do you think it means? Well, just, I don't know.
I was expecting a bit of mind-broadening.
He summed it up! Ricky and I worked on a radio station together and we had a producer given to us who happened to be Karl Pilkington, we'd never met him before, he was just a guy to press the buttons.
And we were talking on the radio and one day we asked him a question - and the answer was extraordinary.
- Because he says the most awful things, so naively, and sweetly.
Things like Chinese people don't age well.
He says, "You never see a 35-year-old one.
" "What do you mean?" He went, "They're good-looking when they're young "but then they age overnight, they're like a pear.
" - I mean - It's just ignorance.
It's just ignorance.
There's nothing malicious about him.
Absolutely still and quiet, folks.
I'm fascinated by him and he's fascinated me for seven years, I've never got bored with the way he looks, the way he thinks, what he says, the fact that I can introduce new It's so easy to introduce a new experience to him.
- He's showing you some postures.
- He's showing a lot.
Yeah.
If you want to see more, you'll have to pay.
I don't want to see more.
- The whole point, we came up with it - Tell him that's enough.
and we sort of sprung it on Karl - "I've got you your own show.
" - Your own television show.
- On Sky.
Traveling all over the globe, experiencing some of the phenomenons All paid for.
It's all paid for.
- What, everywhere I go, these lot are coming? - Yeah.
Well, they've got to, they've got to film it.
Otherwise you'd be by yourself and we wouldn't see it on the telly.
Yeah.
When we said to you, "We're gonna send you round the world to see the Seven Wonders," what was your initial thought? I was worried.
I don't really think you should go anywhere where you've got to have a jab.
Do you know what I mean? It's like a warning.
Trying to ruin my holiday already.
Not even packed my bag yet.
Look at this.
Before I'd even packed - "Oh, you've got to have some injections.
" "What?" I had an injection to sort of protect me from dirty chimps.
Ha ha ha ha! I didn't know that was ever gonna be a problem in my life.
Quite on edge.
I'm not into traveling.
I didn't go away until I was about 23 or something.
It's never been something that's important to me, traveling.
I'm quite happy being where I live and knowing where everything is and being happy with it.
So I'm gonna be out of my comfort zone.
Would you say you're a well-traveled person? Where have you been? - Wales.
Went to Wales a lot.
- OK, Wales.
Yeah, we used to just go to Wales.
It felt further away than it was - cos everyone spoke a different language.
- Or was it English with a Welsh accent? They spoke English, but soon as an English person walked in, they'd flick to Welsh.
That's how they do it.
That's the only reason they keep it.
They don't need that language.
Don't need it.
I mean, they don't.
I think they even know that, I don't know who's keeping it going.
- Ooh.
- It's only down the road.
Why are they talking in a different language? It's not a tribe.
What's wrong with them? Learn English, all pull together Anyway, what was my point? The fact it's called a "wonder", straight away it's annoying me.
I'll decide what's a wonder.
If it's wondrous to me.
The great pyramids.
Whoa, hang on a minute.
Let's just call them the pyramids.
- Let's have a look how great they are.
- Yeah! The Great Wall of China.
Whoa! Hang on.
It's the all right Wall of China.
They're building everything up.
You know, you can see it for miles.
It goes on for miles over the hills.
But so does the M6.
Do you know what I mean? You can see that for miles.
You go "great".
And that does a job.
You can drive on that.
I'm gonna name the Seven Wonders and I want you to tell me your gut reaction.
Gut reaction isn't wise, cos it still hasn't settled, since all these places.
Ha ha ha ha ha! - I don't think that's gonna have a clue.
- Right.
- It's rubbery.
- Chewy.
- How about testicle? - That's a testicle? Uh-huh.
And the chewy one, penis.
Your gut reaction when I say the words China.
Weird.
What's weird What's weird about it? You list what's normal here.
In China it would be weird.
Like what? - Toilets.
- What's wrong with the toilets in China? They don't really have 'em.
They've got a building for it, they've gone with the man and woman sign.
They've gone that distance, it's a toilet.
"I'll just nip in here, it's a toilet, nothing weird.
" You go in No toilets, just holes.
No doors.
That's the other weird thing.
There's sort of cubicles, no doors.
So they can build the Great Wall.
They can do a massive big wall but they can't be arsed putting MDF doors on.
Doesn't make sense.
Again, that's just China for you.
Have you seen this? Have you seen the things? And there's no toilet paper.
What do they do here? Do they just pull up their pants and walk off? Is that what you do? I'm not here to say they should use toilet paper.
If that's not what they do, that's not what they do.
It's just, I didn't know that.
I didn't think China was gonna be like this.
I thought it was gonna be more Like I said, I thought it was where they made the iPod.
I think I've got the wrong place because this ain't a place where they need an iPod.
Have a toilet roll first.
It's weird cos whenever you buy stuff like that, toilet roll holders, it says, "Made In China".
Why aren't they using them then? - What did you make of Peru? - It was hard work, that.
It was hard work, Peru.
In the jungle, a lot of insects.
More insects than people.
I was the odd one out.
When I got off the boat and got onto land, there was loads of stuff sort of coming to me straightaway.
Like, "Here's something new.
Let's hassle it.
" Fuck! Fuckin' hell! I wanna go home.
And there's no order to any of it, the little things can be deadly, the big things that look evil, they're friendly.
- Did you say it's poisonous or it's not? - No, it's not poisonous.
This bite you but it's not poisonous.
- Well again, that's no good.
- They're So these are the ones that wrap round you and then you sort of breathe in Ohh! What's that? It's weird stuff, that's why, when people say God did all this and God made it all, you sort of go, "He can't have done, he wouldn't have made that.
" I saw this fat worm.
Why would he have made that? At what point He did all this in seven days, they say.
I reckon that's in the afternoon of the seventh day, he's going, "I can't be arsed with this.
"Let's just make a bit of a blob with a head on it.
" Really weird-looking stuff, you go, "I don't know what it's doing in the world.
" In the end I ate one.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, God! That's coming soon, to Sky 1.
In HD.
It's like a little tornado, isn't it? Yeah, you don't see that in the brochure, do you? Shitty old nappy whizzing through the air.
They tend to leave that out.
You've been to the Seven Wonders.
How would you sell, honestly, sell these places to me? We're coming into your travel agents, "Karl Pilkington's Travel.
"He's been round the world, he's seen all the sights.
" So we go in there.
"Hello, we're thinking of going on holiday, "me and my husband, Stephen.
" - What are you thinking? - China.
China? No, I wouldn't bother with that.
Where have you been in the past? We've been to Wales and we don't understand the language.
- Don't know what they're saying.
- Don't know what they're saying.
- Forget China then.
- Oh.
They're worse than the Welsh with their language.
It's mental.
There's no order to it whatsoever.
It's just It's mental language.
It's like aliens.
So you don't wanna go there.
Have you thought of anywhere else? You're supposed to be selling us the holiday to China.
No, no, I've just got to sell you a holiday.
So I'd say you don't wanna go there.
How old are you? - Oh, well, I'm 72.
- Right.
- I'm 23.
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah! Oh! To be honest, I thought he'd be a bit more virile.
Even though he's 23 his penis is actually 102.
Why did he have that put on? Is this any use? I don't know what this is.
Oh, let's have a break! Totally spherical.
And empty.
That reminds you of the globe.
That's where we got the idea from, wasn't it, to send you around the world.
Er, we've got a new series, coming to Sky 1.
In HD.
Where we send our friend, Karl Pilkington, around the world.
Fuckin' hell! Are were nearly there? - Do you know why I think people will enjoy it? - What? If they have traveled, I think they'll be laughing at how ignorant this man is The chin looks a bit big.
It's a bit sort of jimmy Hill-ish.
and how he's not appreciating the wonderful opportunities we're giving him.
Hey! Hey! And if people haven't traveled and they're scared to, they'll relate to Karl.
I hate it.
I think a lot of people are gonna think it's brilliant and agree with everything you say.
What do you think? Andy Pandy on crack.
How would you describe this programme to people watching at home? It's like Palin.
It's a sort of Michael Palin, traveling the world, showing them people at home - Bob in Yorkshire who's been in the factory all day, come home - he's not gonna get out much, erm, he's on disability allowance.
- He doesn't want - He's working and signing on? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Right.
Has he paid his subscription or is he getting dodgy I think he gets it for free.
You know what it's like these days.
It's like, "Oh, he can't go out much, give him free subscription, it makes Sky look good, - "keeps him happy.
" - Sure.
Sky give away subscriptions to people who are signing on and claiming disability allowance? - Yeah, probably.
- That's a policy, so if you're signing on and working and you've got disability allowance, just call Sky and you will get Sky 1 free, in HD.
I don't know why it's in HD, a lot of it.
Why? I don't know what that brings to it.
Do you have to pay more for HD? I don't know, but what don't you think Well, China.
It's the grayest place I've ever seen.
- Ha ha! - I don't know why anyone "Oh, look at the grey, let's see it in HD, it's even grayer.
" - Ha ha ha ha! - I wouldn't want to feel like I'm there.
I've been there.
I don't want to feel like I'm there again.
HD's great for looking at bright frogs.
It'll probably be nice for episode 7, Peru.
There's loads of nature stuff where you go, "Look at the colour of that.
" China dreadful.
Ha ha ha! That's China summed up! Er, if you're a travel agent, black and white poster of China, just says, "China Dreadful.
" Traffic's horrendous.
It's not just the traffic, it's just beeping.
But it just seems to be like people letting on to each other at four in the morning.
Go home, what are you doing? I reckon I've had about an hour's kip.
Er I mean, that song, Walk Like An Egyptian.
No one's walking.
Everyone seems to be in a car at all hours, just beeping.
People say to me, "Oh, you've been round the world, that's a good experience, innit? "Oh, you're so lucky.
" And I start moaning, they go, "Why did he get the trip? "I could have gone there, I'd be over the moon.
" That happens whenever you turn over.
So you go, "What's that? " and then the doors going "Eeer! " and the bed's going "Sh-sh-sh!" And the cleaners outside giving it that.
The lowest points of my life have been sort of during this programme.
I've not been sleeping, I've not been eating.
I'm getting bit to death and I can't have a shit! You were calling me up every day giving me bits of information.
"Oh, you're off to do this today.
" "What are you calling now for? It's for in the morning.
" "Well get up, you've got to go and do this.
" I never knew anything that was coming.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Well, it's obviously some nudist beach, isn't it? I've never seen anyone bend over so much as him.
This wasn't a tree holiday.
I thought it was gonna be when I signed up to this.
If you'd have called me up when l was in that tent in the middle of the Amazon at three in the morning as I'm pissing into an Evian bottle it's hard to see how you were doing me a favour: Why were you going into a bottle? You were in the middle of the jungle.
Go out.
No, cos it's in the middle of the night.
Can't go out.
This is what I mean, you think you know it all.
"just go out.
" I tell you what, let's go back and let's see you go out in the middle of the night in the jungle.
There's all sorts out there.
The noise that's in the jungle is Nothing goes to bed at night, that's why there's a lot of nocturnal stuff.
No one can get their eyes shut.
Everything's off.
Snakes going, stuff clip There was something outside my tent, I'm not joking, it was man-size.
And it was making a human noise.
- Was it a human? - I'm talking gorilla-type noise.
- Right? - That's terrifying.
You're saying, "Nip out.
" But he could go in the tent if he wanted, couldn't he? - No.
- What, a thin sheet of nylon keeps him "All right, lads, don't go in there, there's a bit of cloth.
"Wait till he comes out for a piss.
- "He's got an Evian bottle.
" - "We're screwed!" I'm just saying, I had to empty my Evian bottle.
- In the morning? - No, in the night, it was only a little one.
So you pissed in the tent and then emptied it out, so you were out there anyway.
Yeah, but it's just me hand going out.
Going like that and coming back in again.
Surely you'd rather lose your penis than your hand.
Nothing wants your penis.
You'd be surprised.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Honestly, there's some weird stuff out there.
Do you know there's fish in the Amazon that go up your knob.
Everyone's saying to me, "You've seen the Amazon? That's amazing.
" How come the stuff that lives in it doesn't want to live in it? He'd rather live in my knob than live in the river.
You're telling me that I'm meant to be lucky? Nowhere's safe, you can never relax.
In Jordan, I was in a tent with a load of local people.
I don't like the look of this.
Don't put too much of that on my my bit.
I can't, erm, I can't have too much of that.
- Ooh.
Thank you.
- Eat more! - Can you tell me what it is? - it's meat from the goat.
- what bit is it though? That's not meat.
- This is the eye.
I can't eat eye.
I'll tell you now, I've got a very bad gag reflex.
If I eat that and I start gagging, that doesn't look good either.
They'll think I'm rude.
That's the annoying thing, I end up feeling bad cos I'm meant to be a guest.
Just cos you're a guest, doesn't mean you gotta eat lambs' eyes.
There's the whole animal there.
A lamb's that big.
Why are we eating that bit? Put that in the bin.
Let's have a go at all that! And people'll be watching it going, 'He should have joined in.
"He's in their country, he's in their tent.
" I didn't want to be, you two sent me there.
And they've got to remember that.
That was never part of the plan.
Tell me why.
Why is this traditional Chinese massage? - It relaxes - No, it doesn't relax me.
What does it do? Why is she setting fire to me? What good is it doing me? Don't just stand there saying it's traditional.
It's traditional, it's a delicacy.
What is she doing? Aaaagh! Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill you makes you stronger.
" No, that doesn't always work.
There's loads of things.
- What? - I don't wanna bring the tone down but there's a lot of illnesses that don't make you stronger.
They make you weaker and you get weaker and you die.
That's someone who's positive thinking.
I'd like to say to him, 'Wake up, Nietzsche, "that isn't always the case.
" Maybe that's me being down on things instead of always looking at the positive I'd love you to say to Nietzsche, "Wake up, Nietzsche.
" I'd love it! Just to sit you with these great philosophers.
- It looked better on you.
- Wow! You look just like a wrestler.
I look like a right knob-head.
Hey, come on! Squat and then jump - Don't you just go like that? - Yeah, try it.
- Whoa! Good job! - Nearly.
Obviously there are people whose, job if 13 to comment on TV shows they've watched The critics.
Thoughts? They are gonna hate it.
Because they think they know what a travel programme should be like.
- They're not gonna enjoy this.
- No? But, you know, some people will, won't they? Not everybody likes COUSCOUS.
Everybody pulled a face at me when I was in Egypt.
"I don't want any.
" "Really?" Suddenly I'm the odd one out cos I don't want couscous.
I don't need it in my life.
it's annoying that everyone else thinks I should be eating it.
It's the same with the critics.
"You won't like this, everyone.
" Let them decide.
Let them watch it, make up their own minds.
That's all I'm saying.
just say, "Watch it.
" it's on Sky.
They've paid for Sky anyway, haven't they? Use it.
You've paid for it watch it.
They're the idiots, they're going, "I'm not watching this," they've paid for it.
If you could bring one thing that you saw abroad, on your travels, you go.
"OK, this is the best of the rest.
" What, I'm taking a Wonder away from another country? Not a Wonder, anything, like Sir Walter Raleigh brought back spuds and tobacco.
Now everyone loves a bit of mash and fags.
Well, it was easier back then.
- We had nothing here.
- Mm.
Now, everything that's sold in America's here straightaway anyway.
It's hard to be If Walter was around now, I don't think he'd be bringing anything back, cos it'd be a straw donkey or a big hat.
Look at the shite people bring back from holiday.
I think his family'd be going, "What's he got? Last time he brought some fags and spuds.
" He'd go, "There's nothing.
I've got you a fridge magnet.
" Nothing! Honestly, I didn't bring anything back.
I very rarely brought anything back as a memento.
Did you bring Suzanne, your girlfriend, back anything? Yeah, I got her like a turtle, you blow into its arse and it makes a tune, but she hasn't played with that.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah! Oh God! That's amazing! That's amazing! Oh, fuck me.
You are the strangest man on the planet.
You haven't been to China.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Thank you! Good night.
See you later.
Oh! Done.
Caption by extreme, correct.
by dr.
jackson
I'm Ricky Gervais.
- With me, Stephen Merchant.
- Hello.
- And Karl Pilkington.
- All right? And we've made a brand-new series in which we send Karl around the world to see the Seven Wonders.
- Enjoy it? - No, I hated it.
That was sort of the point.
I was hoping for that.
- It's called An Idiot Abroad.
- I hate that as well.
He had no say in the title.
He thought it was Karl Pilkington's Seven Wonders.
- No.
- No.
An Idiot Abroad.
You must be happy you're on Sky 1 though.
- Stitched him right up.
- Right gp! The seven wonders of the world.
If that was on my road, the council would be on it.
They'd go, "Get that down.
It's a death trap.
" It's like a pylon.
For people who don't know who Karl Pilkington is, how would you describe him? A little round-headed, bald, Manc, - missing link, chimp-like buffoon.
- Right.
- And you're a mate of his? - I'm a good friend.
Ai! It's hilarious cos it shows a man going through a bit of a crisis I am knackered, and I don't know how to get that across to them at home, I'm pissed off.
complaining all the time I'm not going on a camel again.
I'm not going on a camel again.
- Why? - I'm not going on a camel again.
Bollocks are squashed.
He's out of his comfort zone through the entire series.
Shit! Shit! I watch it and I just cry with laughter.
It is the funniest documentary I've ever seen.
Let me go home! Jesus Christ! I shall make it clear.
I wanted to send Karl Pilkington around the world because I thought it would broaden his mind, he's a typical little Englander, he's never gone anywhere exciting, I thought it would inflame his imagination as he saw other parts of the world.
Er, I didn't think that.
I knew he'd hate it.
And that's why I did it.
Couldn't stand it.
There was no broadening of the mind going on.
I don't know what you mean, what do you mean by that? What does that saying mean? What do you think it means? Well, just, I don't know.
I was expecting a bit of mind-broadening.
He summed it up! Ricky and I worked on a radio station together and we had a producer given to us who happened to be Karl Pilkington, we'd never met him before, he was just a guy to press the buttons.
And we were talking on the radio and one day we asked him a question - and the answer was extraordinary.
- Because he says the most awful things, so naively, and sweetly.
Things like Chinese people don't age well.
He says, "You never see a 35-year-old one.
" "What do you mean?" He went, "They're good-looking when they're young "but then they age overnight, they're like a pear.
" - I mean - It's just ignorance.
It's just ignorance.
There's nothing malicious about him.
Absolutely still and quiet, folks.
I'm fascinated by him and he's fascinated me for seven years, I've never got bored with the way he looks, the way he thinks, what he says, the fact that I can introduce new It's so easy to introduce a new experience to him.
- He's showing you some postures.
- He's showing a lot.
Yeah.
If you want to see more, you'll have to pay.
I don't want to see more.
- The whole point, we came up with it - Tell him that's enough.
and we sort of sprung it on Karl - "I've got you your own show.
" - Your own television show.
- On Sky.
Traveling all over the globe, experiencing some of the phenomenons All paid for.
It's all paid for.
- What, everywhere I go, these lot are coming? - Yeah.
Well, they've got to, they've got to film it.
Otherwise you'd be by yourself and we wouldn't see it on the telly.
Yeah.
When we said to you, "We're gonna send you round the world to see the Seven Wonders," what was your initial thought? I was worried.
I don't really think you should go anywhere where you've got to have a jab.
Do you know what I mean? It's like a warning.
Trying to ruin my holiday already.
Not even packed my bag yet.
Look at this.
Before I'd even packed - "Oh, you've got to have some injections.
" "What?" I had an injection to sort of protect me from dirty chimps.
Ha ha ha ha! I didn't know that was ever gonna be a problem in my life.
Quite on edge.
I'm not into traveling.
I didn't go away until I was about 23 or something.
It's never been something that's important to me, traveling.
I'm quite happy being where I live and knowing where everything is and being happy with it.
So I'm gonna be out of my comfort zone.
Would you say you're a well-traveled person? Where have you been? - Wales.
Went to Wales a lot.
- OK, Wales.
Yeah, we used to just go to Wales.
It felt further away than it was - cos everyone spoke a different language.
- Or was it English with a Welsh accent? They spoke English, but soon as an English person walked in, they'd flick to Welsh.
That's how they do it.
That's the only reason they keep it.
They don't need that language.
Don't need it.
I mean, they don't.
I think they even know that, I don't know who's keeping it going.
- Ooh.
- It's only down the road.
Why are they talking in a different language? It's not a tribe.
What's wrong with them? Learn English, all pull together Anyway, what was my point? The fact it's called a "wonder", straight away it's annoying me.
I'll decide what's a wonder.
If it's wondrous to me.
The great pyramids.
Whoa, hang on a minute.
Let's just call them the pyramids.
- Let's have a look how great they are.
- Yeah! The Great Wall of China.
Whoa! Hang on.
It's the all right Wall of China.
They're building everything up.
You know, you can see it for miles.
It goes on for miles over the hills.
But so does the M6.
Do you know what I mean? You can see that for miles.
You go "great".
And that does a job.
You can drive on that.
I'm gonna name the Seven Wonders and I want you to tell me your gut reaction.
Gut reaction isn't wise, cos it still hasn't settled, since all these places.
Ha ha ha ha ha! - I don't think that's gonna have a clue.
- Right.
- It's rubbery.
- Chewy.
- How about testicle? - That's a testicle? Uh-huh.
And the chewy one, penis.
Your gut reaction when I say the words China.
Weird.
What's weird What's weird about it? You list what's normal here.
In China it would be weird.
Like what? - Toilets.
- What's wrong with the toilets in China? They don't really have 'em.
They've got a building for it, they've gone with the man and woman sign.
They've gone that distance, it's a toilet.
"I'll just nip in here, it's a toilet, nothing weird.
" You go in No toilets, just holes.
No doors.
That's the other weird thing.
There's sort of cubicles, no doors.
So they can build the Great Wall.
They can do a massive big wall but they can't be arsed putting MDF doors on.
Doesn't make sense.
Again, that's just China for you.
Have you seen this? Have you seen the things? And there's no toilet paper.
What do they do here? Do they just pull up their pants and walk off? Is that what you do? I'm not here to say they should use toilet paper.
If that's not what they do, that's not what they do.
It's just, I didn't know that.
I didn't think China was gonna be like this.
I thought it was gonna be more Like I said, I thought it was where they made the iPod.
I think I've got the wrong place because this ain't a place where they need an iPod.
Have a toilet roll first.
It's weird cos whenever you buy stuff like that, toilet roll holders, it says, "Made In China".
Why aren't they using them then? - What did you make of Peru? - It was hard work, that.
It was hard work, Peru.
In the jungle, a lot of insects.
More insects than people.
I was the odd one out.
When I got off the boat and got onto land, there was loads of stuff sort of coming to me straightaway.
Like, "Here's something new.
Let's hassle it.
" Fuck! Fuckin' hell! I wanna go home.
And there's no order to any of it, the little things can be deadly, the big things that look evil, they're friendly.
- Did you say it's poisonous or it's not? - No, it's not poisonous.
This bite you but it's not poisonous.
- Well again, that's no good.
- They're So these are the ones that wrap round you and then you sort of breathe in Ohh! What's that? It's weird stuff, that's why, when people say God did all this and God made it all, you sort of go, "He can't have done, he wouldn't have made that.
" I saw this fat worm.
Why would he have made that? At what point He did all this in seven days, they say.
I reckon that's in the afternoon of the seventh day, he's going, "I can't be arsed with this.
"Let's just make a bit of a blob with a head on it.
" Really weird-looking stuff, you go, "I don't know what it's doing in the world.
" In the end I ate one.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, God! That's coming soon, to Sky 1.
In HD.
It's like a little tornado, isn't it? Yeah, you don't see that in the brochure, do you? Shitty old nappy whizzing through the air.
They tend to leave that out.
You've been to the Seven Wonders.
How would you sell, honestly, sell these places to me? We're coming into your travel agents, "Karl Pilkington's Travel.
"He's been round the world, he's seen all the sights.
" So we go in there.
"Hello, we're thinking of going on holiday, "me and my husband, Stephen.
" - What are you thinking? - China.
China? No, I wouldn't bother with that.
Where have you been in the past? We've been to Wales and we don't understand the language.
- Don't know what they're saying.
- Don't know what they're saying.
- Forget China then.
- Oh.
They're worse than the Welsh with their language.
It's mental.
There's no order to it whatsoever.
It's just It's mental language.
It's like aliens.
So you don't wanna go there.
Have you thought of anywhere else? You're supposed to be selling us the holiday to China.
No, no, I've just got to sell you a holiday.
So I'd say you don't wanna go there.
How old are you? - Oh, well, I'm 72.
- Right.
- I'm 23.
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah! Oh! To be honest, I thought he'd be a bit more virile.
Even though he's 23 his penis is actually 102.
Why did he have that put on? Is this any use? I don't know what this is.
Oh, let's have a break! Totally spherical.
And empty.
That reminds you of the globe.
That's where we got the idea from, wasn't it, to send you around the world.
Er, we've got a new series, coming to Sky 1.
In HD.
Where we send our friend, Karl Pilkington, around the world.
Fuckin' hell! Are were nearly there? - Do you know why I think people will enjoy it? - What? If they have traveled, I think they'll be laughing at how ignorant this man is The chin looks a bit big.
It's a bit sort of jimmy Hill-ish.
and how he's not appreciating the wonderful opportunities we're giving him.
Hey! Hey! And if people haven't traveled and they're scared to, they'll relate to Karl.
I hate it.
I think a lot of people are gonna think it's brilliant and agree with everything you say.
What do you think? Andy Pandy on crack.
How would you describe this programme to people watching at home? It's like Palin.
It's a sort of Michael Palin, traveling the world, showing them people at home - Bob in Yorkshire who's been in the factory all day, come home - he's not gonna get out much, erm, he's on disability allowance.
- He doesn't want - He's working and signing on? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Right.
Has he paid his subscription or is he getting dodgy I think he gets it for free.
You know what it's like these days.
It's like, "Oh, he can't go out much, give him free subscription, it makes Sky look good, - "keeps him happy.
" - Sure.
Sky give away subscriptions to people who are signing on and claiming disability allowance? - Yeah, probably.
- That's a policy, so if you're signing on and working and you've got disability allowance, just call Sky and you will get Sky 1 free, in HD.
I don't know why it's in HD, a lot of it.
Why? I don't know what that brings to it.
Do you have to pay more for HD? I don't know, but what don't you think Well, China.
It's the grayest place I've ever seen.
- Ha ha! - I don't know why anyone "Oh, look at the grey, let's see it in HD, it's even grayer.
" - Ha ha ha ha! - I wouldn't want to feel like I'm there.
I've been there.
I don't want to feel like I'm there again.
HD's great for looking at bright frogs.
It'll probably be nice for episode 7, Peru.
There's loads of nature stuff where you go, "Look at the colour of that.
" China dreadful.
Ha ha ha! That's China summed up! Er, if you're a travel agent, black and white poster of China, just says, "China Dreadful.
" Traffic's horrendous.
It's not just the traffic, it's just beeping.
But it just seems to be like people letting on to each other at four in the morning.
Go home, what are you doing? I reckon I've had about an hour's kip.
Er I mean, that song, Walk Like An Egyptian.
No one's walking.
Everyone seems to be in a car at all hours, just beeping.
People say to me, "Oh, you've been round the world, that's a good experience, innit? "Oh, you're so lucky.
" And I start moaning, they go, "Why did he get the trip? "I could have gone there, I'd be over the moon.
" That happens whenever you turn over.
So you go, "What's that? " and then the doors going "Eeer! " and the bed's going "Sh-sh-sh!" And the cleaners outside giving it that.
The lowest points of my life have been sort of during this programme.
I've not been sleeping, I've not been eating.
I'm getting bit to death and I can't have a shit! You were calling me up every day giving me bits of information.
"Oh, you're off to do this today.
" "What are you calling now for? It's for in the morning.
" "Well get up, you've got to go and do this.
" I never knew anything that was coming.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Well, it's obviously some nudist beach, isn't it? I've never seen anyone bend over so much as him.
This wasn't a tree holiday.
I thought it was gonna be when I signed up to this.
If you'd have called me up when l was in that tent in the middle of the Amazon at three in the morning as I'm pissing into an Evian bottle it's hard to see how you were doing me a favour: Why were you going into a bottle? You were in the middle of the jungle.
Go out.
No, cos it's in the middle of the night.
Can't go out.
This is what I mean, you think you know it all.
"just go out.
" I tell you what, let's go back and let's see you go out in the middle of the night in the jungle.
There's all sorts out there.
The noise that's in the jungle is Nothing goes to bed at night, that's why there's a lot of nocturnal stuff.
No one can get their eyes shut.
Everything's off.
Snakes going, stuff clip There was something outside my tent, I'm not joking, it was man-size.
And it was making a human noise.
- Was it a human? - I'm talking gorilla-type noise.
- Right? - That's terrifying.
You're saying, "Nip out.
" But he could go in the tent if he wanted, couldn't he? - No.
- What, a thin sheet of nylon keeps him "All right, lads, don't go in there, there's a bit of cloth.
"Wait till he comes out for a piss.
- "He's got an Evian bottle.
" - "We're screwed!" I'm just saying, I had to empty my Evian bottle.
- In the morning? - No, in the night, it was only a little one.
So you pissed in the tent and then emptied it out, so you were out there anyway.
Yeah, but it's just me hand going out.
Going like that and coming back in again.
Surely you'd rather lose your penis than your hand.
Nothing wants your penis.
You'd be surprised.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Honestly, there's some weird stuff out there.
Do you know there's fish in the Amazon that go up your knob.
Everyone's saying to me, "You've seen the Amazon? That's amazing.
" How come the stuff that lives in it doesn't want to live in it? He'd rather live in my knob than live in the river.
You're telling me that I'm meant to be lucky? Nowhere's safe, you can never relax.
In Jordan, I was in a tent with a load of local people.
I don't like the look of this.
Don't put too much of that on my my bit.
I can't, erm, I can't have too much of that.
- Ooh.
Thank you.
- Eat more! - Can you tell me what it is? - it's meat from the goat.
- what bit is it though? That's not meat.
- This is the eye.
I can't eat eye.
I'll tell you now, I've got a very bad gag reflex.
If I eat that and I start gagging, that doesn't look good either.
They'll think I'm rude.
That's the annoying thing, I end up feeling bad cos I'm meant to be a guest.
Just cos you're a guest, doesn't mean you gotta eat lambs' eyes.
There's the whole animal there.
A lamb's that big.
Why are we eating that bit? Put that in the bin.
Let's have a go at all that! And people'll be watching it going, 'He should have joined in.
"He's in their country, he's in their tent.
" I didn't want to be, you two sent me there.
And they've got to remember that.
That was never part of the plan.
Tell me why.
Why is this traditional Chinese massage? - It relaxes - No, it doesn't relax me.
What does it do? Why is she setting fire to me? What good is it doing me? Don't just stand there saying it's traditional.
It's traditional, it's a delicacy.
What is she doing? Aaaagh! Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill you makes you stronger.
" No, that doesn't always work.
There's loads of things.
- What? - I don't wanna bring the tone down but there's a lot of illnesses that don't make you stronger.
They make you weaker and you get weaker and you die.
That's someone who's positive thinking.
I'd like to say to him, 'Wake up, Nietzsche, "that isn't always the case.
" Maybe that's me being down on things instead of always looking at the positive I'd love you to say to Nietzsche, "Wake up, Nietzsche.
" I'd love it! Just to sit you with these great philosophers.
- It looked better on you.
- Wow! You look just like a wrestler.
I look like a right knob-head.
Hey, come on! Squat and then jump - Don't you just go like that? - Yeah, try it.
- Whoa! Good job! - Nearly.
Obviously there are people whose, job if 13 to comment on TV shows they've watched The critics.
Thoughts? They are gonna hate it.
Because they think they know what a travel programme should be like.
- They're not gonna enjoy this.
- No? But, you know, some people will, won't they? Not everybody likes COUSCOUS.
Everybody pulled a face at me when I was in Egypt.
"I don't want any.
" "Really?" Suddenly I'm the odd one out cos I don't want couscous.
I don't need it in my life.
it's annoying that everyone else thinks I should be eating it.
It's the same with the critics.
"You won't like this, everyone.
" Let them decide.
Let them watch it, make up their own minds.
That's all I'm saying.
just say, "Watch it.
" it's on Sky.
They've paid for Sky anyway, haven't they? Use it.
You've paid for it watch it.
They're the idiots, they're going, "I'm not watching this," they've paid for it.
If you could bring one thing that you saw abroad, on your travels, you go.
"OK, this is the best of the rest.
" What, I'm taking a Wonder away from another country? Not a Wonder, anything, like Sir Walter Raleigh brought back spuds and tobacco.
Now everyone loves a bit of mash and fags.
Well, it was easier back then.
- We had nothing here.
- Mm.
Now, everything that's sold in America's here straightaway anyway.
It's hard to be If Walter was around now, I don't think he'd be bringing anything back, cos it'd be a straw donkey or a big hat.
Look at the shite people bring back from holiday.
I think his family'd be going, "What's he got? Last time he brought some fags and spuds.
" He'd go, "There's nothing.
I've got you a fridge magnet.
" Nothing! Honestly, I didn't bring anything back.
I very rarely brought anything back as a memento.
Did you bring Suzanne, your girlfriend, back anything? Yeah, I got her like a turtle, you blow into its arse and it makes a tune, but she hasn't played with that.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah! Oh God! That's amazing! That's amazing! Oh, fuck me.
You are the strangest man on the planet.
You haven't been to China.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Thank you! Good night.
See you later.
Oh! Done.
Caption by extreme, correct.
by dr.
jackson