An Idiot Abroad (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
China
The seven wonders of the world Christ the redeemer The Taj Mahal The great pyramids truly man's greatest achievements.
But there's one man who sees them differently.
If that was on my road, the council would be on it.
They'd go, "Get that down.
It's a death trap.
" [ Laughing .]
Karl Pilkington.
It's like a pylon.
[ Both laughing .]
I don't know the politically correct term.
"Moron," I think.
He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like, manc moron.
Buffoon, idiot.
Is that normal? And he's a friend.
We've often described him as being, like, some kind of real-life Homer Simpson.
Homer is small-minded, petty, but, at his core, a good person.
And lovable.
Absolutely lovable.
It's like a game of Jenga that's got out of hand.
I can't get enough of him.
Is everyone gonna be wearing this? He's a typical little Englander, and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.
My bollocks are squashed.
I just think that it would be amazing to send him around the world.
What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples and see if, in any way, we can change his outlook on the world.
I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.
I want him to hate it.
I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick.
I am that stick.
And now I have the might of Sky behind me.
This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done, and it's gonna be great.
Just let me go! Jesus Christ.
All right? Yeah.
I'm all right, yeah.
What are we doing today? Just hanging around.
You look nervous.
You look uneasy.
I am a bit, yeah.
It's not normal, is it? Merchant: What? What isn't? You're asking me how me day is in a room full of people I don't know.
Yeah.
Well, you're gonna get to know them.
You're gonna get to know them really well.
What, everywhere I go, these lot are coming, are they? Yeah.
Well, they've got to.
They got to film it.
Otherwise, you'd be by yourself, and we wouldn't see it on the telly.
Right, Karl.
I'm very jealous of your trip here, Karl, to the mighty Great Wall of China.
Well, you say that, but how come I'm going and you're not doing any? Well, because, um We're executive producers.
Yeah, we're busy.
We've got other stuff going on.
So, out of all the places, this is the place that I'm worried about most.
Why? Just the way they live.
They're different.
What, Chinese people? They just wreck everything.
They make everything weird.
That's what I'm worried about.
To you.
To you.
I don't understand what you mean.
Everything chicken.
Why is it orange in Chinatown? [ Laughing .]
Just the slightest thing.
The chicken is orange.
Anything.
Know what I mean? Octopus.
Toad.
[ Laughing .]
He just made that one up! No, say if I go over there.
I have a bit of toad.
I go, "Do you know what? Quite nice.
That's nicer than chicken.
" Yeah.
It's gonna be pretty tough to get a bit of grilled toad in this country.
It could make me sort of wish for stuff that I can no longer get ahold of.
Have you been listening to what he's been saying there? That he's scared to go to China in case he gets a taste for toad.
And then comes back and can't get toad.
So I just wanted to check that you heard that.
Yeah.
The way they write the letters are weird.
Their alphabet's not like ours.
That is like like someone testing out a biro.
Everything's [ Laughing .]
There's no logic to anything that they do.
There i there is! Of course there's a logic to it! The way they read a book, it's all the other way around From back to front instead of front to back and up and down.
Everything that we've done, they've gone, "Right.
We're gonna do it weirder.
" [ Laughing .]
That's how it comes across.
Well, some would say that they did it first.
Their civilization beat ours by many, many hundreds of years, but, anyway Right.
Off you go.
See you when you get back.
All right.
See ya.
A bit gray, isn't it? Is today a cloudy day, or is this pollution? It's not worth having this in HD, is it? Nothing looks crisp.
Everything's sort of hazy.
Like some sort of Kate Bush video or something.
Can anyone speak English? Does he want to give us a lift? English? Do you want to give us a ride? Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Hi.
Doesn't seem to work when you smile at people.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Blank.
So I don't know if smiling means smiling here.
I mean, if they don't understand me language and they don't understand me expressions, I don't know what I've got to communicate with.
Hi.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I got nothing then.
I don't think I've ever felt this lost.
Even in Wales.
See what I mean here, though, about things not being normal? You know, I get off a plane all sort of aching and jet-lagged.
I thought, "I know.
I'll have a massage.
That'll be nice.
" Massage.
Massage? Hai.
I'm never gonna get to where I'm going.
I haven't been to bed yet.
It is nice, though, to be fair.
That isn't that isn't good.
[ Grunts .]
Ha ha! Ha ha! [ Bones cracking .]
Ha ha! Ha ha.
Hell.
I mean, what was that a massage? I don't know.
Or was I just being mugged? Ha ha! Ho! Well, I'm just trying to find the hotel that Ricky and Steve have sorted out for me.
I'm not expecting that much, if I'm honest with you.
I've got a room.
Pilkington.
Nice.
It's compact, isn't it? Yes.
It's cozy.
It feels chinesey.
Yeah, it is.
[ Chuckles .]
Those slippers They're mine? Man: Mm-hmm.
Quite Chinese, aren't they? Behind the cloth, you have a TV.
Any English? No.
Only Chinese.
Okay.
Thanks.
Ta.
Quite like this touch.
Suzanne wants a fish, so I'll have to let her know that I've got a couple.
I mean, that is for sort of company, isn't it? It's not it's not some sort of appetizer, that, is it? That's handy.
You know, I said the Chinese always come up with inventions.
They're quite futuristic with their ideas.
That's all right, isn't it? Little radio with headlights.
I don't know when you'd need that.
I mean, the whole beauty of radio is, you know, you can listen to it in the dark.
I mean, if that was on the "Dragons' Den," you'd say, "I'm out," wouldn't you? I'm just gonna go and have a wander about, I think, 'cause there's nothing else to do, so I might as well, you know, at least try and see a bit of the place, mix with the locals.
And, you know, that's what Ricky and Steve want, isn't it? They want to see how I can handle meself with some foreigners.
Karl.
Woman: "Ka.
" "Kar.
" "Ka.
" "Kar.
" Karl.
Yeah.
"L" Karl.
"Karla.
" "Karla.
" Karl.
Not "Karla.
" Just "Karl.
" Karl.
Oh, Karl, Karl.
Yeah.
Karl.
Karl.
Karl? "Karlo.
" No.
No, no.
No.
"Kar.
" No.
Karl.
"Karlo.
" You don't need to add Like this in your country the "shasha be-ya.
" "Shasha be-ya.
" You look.
"Shasha be-ya.
" "Shasha be-ya.
" "Shas be-ya.
" Yeah.
Chinese Shakespeare.
"Shas-ber.
" Good! Yeah, "Hamlet.
" It's just breaking it up a little bit.
"Karl.
" Yeah, yeah.
I'm Kar-l-l.
"Kar.
" It's not "Kar.
" It's "Karl.
" Yeah, it smells more chinesey, now, doesn't it? Sort of sweet and sour.
That's good, isn't it? It's not dead.
That's dead, isn't it? Are they dead? Are they toads? So, I don't get it.
Are they alive in that bag? Man: Yeah.
Why aren't they legging it? He's got, like, a Sainsbury's bag full of toads.
He rips them out, cuts their head off, sticks them in another bin bag.
I don't even know what that is.
I mean, it looks like a load of condoms in jam and water or something.
I mean, it's weird how he's got it sat there as if that's meant to tempt you in.
Well, the idea was, you know, that I'd nip out, get a little snack 'cause Ricky and Steve said, "Yeah, try everything out.
You know, do what the locals do," but there's no way I'm eating this stuff.
Scorpion, sea horse, cockroach, silkworm, caterpillar.
This looks like they custard creams on a stick, as well, at the end.
Just anything on a stick.
Whatever you want on a stick.
I just don't understand why they're eating all this.
I mean, at home, restaurants would get closed down for having a cockroach in the kitchen.
Yet here, it's a starter.
I didn't know it'd be like this.
I didn't think it'd be this mental, really, in the food department.
There's a woman over there just tucking in on a Bunch of scorpions.
It's kind of like she's just having a bit of a chicken leg.
Not a problem.
Just just shoving them in her face.
She looks at it before she puts it in her mouth like, "Oh, yeah.
Which bit will I have first? The head or the ass?" I mean, as she's eating one off one stick, she's looking at the other stick.
She can't get enough of them.
Her eyes It's like they're doughnuts to her.
She's looking at them, she's going, "Oh, look at that one there.
That one looks nice.
" You see, I don't know where it stops.
Where's the line between food and insect? If she gets up in the morning, there's a spider in the bath, what does she do? "Oh, good.
I'll leave the croissant for tomorrow.
I'll eat that now.
" What's he eating? Oh, God.
What sort of egg is that? Man: No, it's a fetus Inside an egg.
A fetus? I don't want any.
Just for people watching who don't know, he's with us, you know, helping drive the bus and what have you.
He seems like a normal bloke.
I mean, eating a fetus.
Not even waiting for the thing to be born and to live a bit and then eat it.
I mean, a fetus.
Only been here for a bit, I'm running out of these.
I got three more packets left.
But, you know, the weird thing is, I'm the freak here, aren't I? Everyone else is eating that.
I'm eating these.
I'm the odd one out.
Had my name done.
That says "Karl.
" Could be that way.
Could be that way.
I don't know.
It's one or the other.
Could be that way.
Let's face it.
I don't know.
Could be any way.
I'm sure if you, you know If you're Chinese and you're watching this, you know if I got it the right way up.
There you go.
That says "Karl.
" I mean, I haven't got Suzanne a gift yet.
I could just give her this and say, "Yeah, it says 'Suzanne, ' that.
" She wouldn't know.
Pilkington: Well, I'm here to see the Great Wall, aren't I? You know, one of the wonders of the world, but I'm just not in the mood, honestly.
I'm still knackered.
I'm still jet-lagged.
And just just the weirdness of China.
That tires you out, too.
[ Man singing in Chinese .]
What's all the noise out there? [ Horn honking, bell dinging .]
It's like 1:00 in the morning at home.
I've got a message.
Merchant: All right, enjoy.
Do people really believe that here? I mean, are people taking kids in and saying to him, "Right, here's me kid.
What's his future gonna be like?" 'Cause his life is gonna be a load of shit anyway.
End it.
Do him a favor.
But then it doesn't always work like that.
That's what I mean with fate.
I didn't do that well at school.
I left with an "e" in history.
So, see, if my dad knew that, he'd go, "Right, get the brick," and that would be the end of it.
Whereas I've done all right.
I've got a job.
I'm paying me way in life.
I have got a bit of a problem with this.
A mate has sent me to have this done.
I'm not happy about it, really.
I sort of think I'm better off not knowing.
If something bad's gonna happen, I'd prefer it just to happen without having a warning.
[ Sips .]
Time time I was born.
A palm pilot.
I didn't expect him to have a palm pilot.
Quite futuristic.
Do you know who Bruce Springsteen is? He's got the same birth date as me.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
Interpreter: I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm concentrating on calculating your future.
All right.
[ Sighs .]
[ Speaking Chinese .]
You have to pay attention to your health because you've got some sort of heart problem.
Oh, here we go.
What sort of heart problem? Something to do with your heart blood vessel.
It's weird, that, 'cause me dad had a problem with his heart.
And they say it runs in the family.
So is it gonna kill me, then? [ Speaking Chinese .]
90%.
90%? Mm.
Brilliant.
But maybe we can change it.
Although you have some health problem, we're gonna do a ceremony for you.
But you do need to write a confession about what you did wrong.
Something I did wrong.
Something I did wrong in the past.
Mm.
Did wrong.
[ Slurps .]
[ Breathes deeply .]
[ Speaking Chinese .]
You need to write three confessions on those three pieces of paper.
All right.
Pilkington: When I lived in the other flat, there was a fellow who used to live in it called Bruce, and he used to get his post, and I'd open it.
It was his old flat.
I kept getting posts for him years after he'd moved out.
See, it's meant to be bad, though, isn't it? Carl Grimshaw I put putty in his hair, and he had to have his head shaved.
That's a bit tight, wasn't it? And he had a funny-shaped head, so he looked really bad.
I'll put that down.
Carl Grimshaw for putting putty in his hair.
So, I worked at this bloke's shop, called Bob.
I was his best paperboy.
So I'd collate all me papers, get them all get them all ready, stick them in me bag.
When he wasn't looking, I'd just sort of take a Mars bar, slip it up me sleeve.
Off we go.
So, every day, seven a week for aboutTwo years.
Lot of Mars bars.
I know that.
That's why it's on here.
It's always been playing on me mind, that.
'Cause I since found out that shop doesn't make that much money from delivering papers.
Hiya.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
Interpreter: This is a healing process.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
Now everything gonna be fine.
The other two papers, one needs to be put on top of a mountain.
The other one needs to be put in the sea.
It will help you to cleanse your soul.
Again, thanks a lot.
[ Bell dings .]
Just give us a second.
Give us a sec.
You are kidding me.
You seen this? See the things? There's no doors or anything.
Soon as you open the door, you could just get a full view of someone.
I mean, if it was here, it's more understandable, isn't it? Because if you sat here, and at least people come in and you'd go, "So I'm in this one.
" It's a bit weird to just sort of wander in and I mean, they've made this bit.
Why not just finish it up with a door on it? They've done the hard bit.
Couple of hinges and a door.
And there's no toilet paper.
What do they do? Do they just pull up their pants and walk off? Is that what you do? I'm not here to say they should be using toilet paper.
It's not right.
If that's not what they do, that's not what they do.
But it's just I didn't know that.
I didn't think China was gonna be like this.
I thought it was gonna be more Like I said, I thought it was where they made the iPod.
I think I've got the wrong place because this ain't a place where they need an iPod.
Have a toilet roll first.
I mean, it's weird.
'Cause whenever you buy stuff like that, toilet rollovers and stuff, it says "Made in China.
" Why ain't they using them, then? That's odd, isn't it? So he's got to leave the house, he's got to go, "Do I feel like one today? "I might do.
I have a bit of a dicky belly.
I best get me seat.
" Everyone who's walking past knows he's gonna have a shit at some point today.
I wouldn't like that.
Do you know, like, how when I go into a public toilet, you like to nip in with a coin and open the door? Yeah, well, you couldn't do that here 'cause there no doors on the toilets.
[ Laughing .]
They were filming some stuff on the street, just, like, traffic and stuff.
I said, "I'm just nipping in here.
" Walked in, was greeted by two fellas squatting.
[ Laughing .]
They were chefs from the place on the corner, so that's that's reassuring.
Honest to God.
One of them was on the phone taking an order.
It was it was really [ Laughing .]
I've never seen anything like it.
I don't think I could ever get used to that.
You need to have your own space when doing that, and they're just there.
One's on the phone, the other one's just sort of looking 'round.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, it looked like he was sort of saying, "I'll have it ready in, like, about five min Oh, no, give me 10.
" Or a "king-poo" chicken.
[ Laughing .]
No.
Pilkington: Yeah, well, I'm seeing the Great Wall today, aren't I? Ricky and Steve just said, "Get down to the bus depot," where there's loads of coaches and that, which, you know I'm not looking forward to this.
Pilkington, Pilkington.
You know, I mean, getting on a bus full of tourists with a fella stood at the front, yapping on, you know, with loads of history facts and just loads of stuff that you're never gonna remember.
Is there an English bus? English tour? Do you not understand? Ricky and Steve just said come here.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Thanks a lot.
Hello.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
It's a bit of a pointless exercise, really.
It's pointless.
Stuck in here with a daft hat on, not understanding what's going on.
I mean, this woman's friendly enough.
But even she's sort of blanking in and out.
[ Man speaking Chinese .]
[ Coughs .]
[ Spits .]
[ Man coughing, hawking .]
Yeah, the fella behind me is coughing his guts up.
I thought I was putting on a waterproof coat in case it rained.
I need it just for on this bus.
[ Hawking continues .]
Why do they do that? [ Imitating hawking .]
There's the wall.
I can't see it now anyway, so it'll be a surprise for me.
[ Hawking continues .]
How long does it take to get there? [ Woman speaking Chinese .]
Feel like I'm at the post office on O.
A.
P.
day.
Wonder of the world.
A wonder of the world.
Well Look at everyone, pushing and shoving.
This is it, then.
"It was heavily restored in both the 1950s and 1980s.
" I didn't know that.
Not even old bricks? Am I missing something here? So the old stuff's gone on it, really.
But then it doesn't count.
It shouldn't be a wonder, then.
You can't just build something on it and still, you know, get all the tourists in when it's not what it says on the tin.
What I'm looking at is basically a wimpy home.
You know, you can see it for miles Goes on for miles over the hills and everything, but so does the M6.
Do you know what I mean? You can see that for miles and you go, "Great," and that does a job.
You can drive on that.
Got bears in here.
What's this all about, though? It's almost like they know that the wall isn't that good, "So what else can we give them? "We've charged them like 7 quid to get in to see an old wall.
It's not an old wall.
It's from the 1980s.
" "I've got a mate who's got some bears.
" "Yeah, yeah.
Stick them down at the bottom.
" There you are.
Look at him Stood up.
Evolution.
Driver's getting involved, chucking it food 'cause he's not into apple, is he.
I've seen what he likes eating.
If that was some sort of squid with a tumor on its head, he'd be tucking in to it.
He's not into fruit.
So, really, I fancy getting in there and getting a mouthful.
It's the first normal food I've seen since I've been here.
Woman's voice: You have one new message.
Pilkington: What's the point of that? Yeah, just just a bit annoyed today 'cause, you know, I thought I'd seen the Great Wall of China, which, being honest with you, it's not the Great Wall.
It's an all right wall.
It's the "all right" wall of China.
But, you know, I thought I'd seen it.
And then Steve calls up with some bright idea, saying, "Oh, I want you to see more of it.
In fact, I want you to see all of it.
" It's just stupid.
Woman's voice: You have one new message.
Are they having a laugh? This isn't the Great Wall, is it? You're kidding me.
I mean, I like the way there's no tourists and that.
But then, why would there be? This is the original wall, isn't it.
Or is it? I don't know.
Is it just badly done? This is pretty shit, isn't it? You're meant to be able to see it from the moon, aren't you, the Great Wall? Would you want to? Neil Armstrong getting his binoculars out.
"I be seeing it from up here, Buzz.
" Jesus.
And the fortune teller told me that, you know, I had to get rid of one of me sins on a mountain, so I might as well do it whilst I'm up here.
That was the one about Carl Grimshaw getting putty in his hair.
But, you know, it's worth doing, isn't it? If it means I'm not gonna have a heart attack.
Pilkington: Well, I've been traveling for three days.
I've walked miles.
And let's face it.
There's only so much time you can look at anything, and the only reason I've come to this bit of the wall is because Steve said there was a little village close by, and he knows someone who's gonna sort some dinner out.
Ni hao.
Ni hao.
Ni hao.
Are you all right? [ Speaking Chinese .]
He's a big lad.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
Um Just just just a little, little bit.
Little bit.
Not big.
Uh, full.
Well, they seem like nice people.
And I can tell that just Even though I can't speak their language and stuff.
Got some food for me.
It's nice, but it's just a bit awkward if there's something I don't like in it because I can't you know, you can have You can use your hands to say certain things, but what can you do if it's something I don't like? I can't sort of make a lie up.
What is that? What is that? Right, forget it.
Forget it.
It's fucking hell.
They're massive toads.
Yeah, it's toads in a courier bag.
Oh, I looked at the wrong time! I didn't really want to look, but when I turned around, it looked like she was having a wrestle with one.
Then I heard, like, doof! Doof! So I'm guessing the toad wasn't winning.
And I've been told it tastes like chicken, so I should just eat it and think, "Yeah, it's chicken.
It's chicken.
Just nice chicken.
" Why did she have to cave its head in out here? Why couldn't she just do it inside somewhere and then I'd eat it? Tell me after.
[ Woman shouting in Chinese .]
All right, yeah, I'll in a minute.
If they knew we were coming, couldn't they have just got something normal? Why didn't you say to them, "Now, is it all right if we bring Karl around, cook him something?" "Yeah, yeah.
Of course you can, yeah.
What does he like to eat? Does he like toad?" Just, surely.
I know you don't know me that well, but you know me enough that I've never said to you, "Do you know what? I'd love a bit of toad.
" I've never said that to you.
You could have just nipped it in the bud there and then gone, "Oh, he's not a fan of that.
He's not.
" I don't like it.
They're waving me over.
[ Sighing .]
So this is like a murder scene with a bit of toad's head there.
Oh, look at this.
[ Sighs .]
Chicken, chicken.
Just a little bit 'cause I'm not very good with these.
He's better than me.
Ah.
That just looks like noodles.
Mmm.
Nice.
Mmm.
Lots of that.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
No, love it.
Love it.
Mmm.
Oh, just Just chewing.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
Another minute.
I think the baby's choking.
[ Chuckles .]
Hang on.
Pilkington: Eating toad was weird.
Um I had a little bit of toad.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
[ Exhales deeply .]
Like, uh Chicken.
Just chicken.
This woman was forcing it to me.
She was saying, "No, eat it, eat it.
" [ Laughing .]
[ Gagging .]
Ugh! Not fun.
Every time I swallowed it, it was coming back up.
It was like it was still alive and the legs were still kicking itself out of my head.
[ Gervais laughing .]
Ugh! Ugh! Right.
No more.
[ Exhales sharply .]
What's he making, then? Not a toilet door.
I know that much.
Hello.
What what are you making? What is this? Interpreter: Coffin.
Coffin? Is this for someone local? This lady here.
It's for this lady? She looks pretty healthy.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
It's better to make it now, because when you're young, you prepare those things.
When you're old and you won't be able to organize it.
Doesn't it depress you, seeing this every day when you leave your house? Not the way it looks.
I think it's a nice-looking coffin, as coffins go, but I don't want to be reminded that I'm gonna die Not every day.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
I'm not scared of death.
I'm not worried about it.
All right.
Maybe you can help me sanding the coffin.
Pilkington: I mean, my flat isn't big enough to have something like this hanging around.
I haven't got any outside space, so I'd have to have a parking permit for this.
So I couldn't be doing this at home.
But there's something good about it because as you get older you know, she's in her 60s it's a nice little project, isn't it? She's got a lot.
This is probably sorted out.
She doesn't have to worry about that.
The house is probably paid for.
D you need something to do to keep you going.
If you haven't got any little projects, that's when you die.
So, in a way It's just something that, when she goes to bed at night, she's got a little "to do" list in her head "Coffin needs to be varnished.
I'll have to sort that.
" 'Cause there's not that much else around here, is there, to keep your mind busy? Look at this.
He's gone off now.
He's having his lunch.
He left me here doing this.
Woman's voice: You have one new message.
Merchant: My friend, Kung Fu.
Pilkington: Kung Fu.
What do I want to see Kung Fu for? Violent, isn't it? It's pretty impressive the way everyone's remembered the kick.
It was never like this for me, school.
About 25 minutes was just spent with all the kids trying to find a pair of shorts out of lost property 'cause no one ever remembered to bring the kit.
So it was more like a "Trinny & Susannah" than a P.
E.
lesson we'd all be sort of going, "Are these your type?" "Do you want to wear these?" "I'll wear them.
" Just everyone taking it seriously.
The P.
E.
teacher wasn't a proper P.
E.
teacher.
He did geography when he wasn't doing P.
E.
and that's why we have a lot of fat kids.
Leo.
How are you? Welcome to Shaolin and where the origin of Kung Fu coming from.
And you are going to see the Kung Fu training.
This is the metal.
All right.
And we're going to put on our throat.
If I use my finger, just have a little touch All right! Yeah, just tell me.
You don't have to do that, yeah.
And you will have a very big Yeah, that's Ooh-ee! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! That's got to hurt, don't it? So I'll see you outside the hotel, about sort of 4:00, quarter to 5:00.
4:00 A.
M.
Okay? 4:00 in the morning.
You having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? I can't tell.
They're hard to read.
All right.
Well, that's good, isn't it? You know, I've been walking the wall for the last few days, you know, aching all over, and now he wants me to get up at 4:00 in the morning to do some Kung Fu.
That's nice and relaxing, isn't it? And he just went Like that.
[ Conks .]
Ohh! [ Conks .]
Ai! Where did he hit it? He hit it there, didn't he? [ Conks .]
No.
[ Conks .]
Ooh! Hmm.
[ Conks .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Conks .]
No.
[ Knock on door .]
Pilkington: Shit.
You are late.
In two minutes, downstairs.
He wasn't joking, was he, when he said he was gonna come 'round at 4:00.
Thought he was just having a bit of fun with me.
Nice start to the day.
Moon's still out.
[ Lips smack .]
Yeah.
Thing is, I don't know what power I've got.
That's the thing.
If I start wrestling with him, I don't know how strong I am.
I might do some damage By accident 'Cause I don't go about punching people and stuff, so I don't know how hard I can hit.
I might I might really hurt him.
See, if I'm just a proper mugger.
I'm walking down the street, right? I look at you.
I'm going this way, yes.
Hang on a minute.
Yeah, just get back a bit.
So, I'm walking down the street, and I think, "This fella looks like he's got a few quid," and I'd go I'd go I'd go "Excuse me.
You haven't got the time on you, have you?" And grabs your money.
Oh.
Aah! All right! Give us your money.
Ohh! Right, yeah, yeah.
Watch what will happen.
Yeah, yeah.
I know, yeah.
I got it the first time.
Man: Come on, go! All right.
Quickly! Faster! Come on, come on! [ Shouting .]
[ Grunting .]
Fuck off.
[ Grunting .]
Quick! [ Grunting .]
Fuck off.
Pilkington: He didn't know what me health is.
At no point since I've been here has he gone, "Now, Karl, it's a serious issue.
Have you got any health problems?" He's always pushing a little bit more.
He loves giving pain out.
He's not a Buddhist, is he? He's a lunatic.
Do it.
Do it.
Up.
Right.
Right.
What am I doing? Seriously.
What is going on here? Okay, Karl.
I give you a challenge.
What sort of challenge? Hyah! What's the other challenge? This is glass.
Balloon.
I'm going to throw the needle from this way to get this balloon.
You're gonna throw a needle through the glass Yes.
Hit the balloon Yes.
Hole in glass? Yes.
So you're gonna Hey, hang on a minute! Right.
1 2 No way.
Jesus.
I'm impressed with that.
You want to have a try? Here we go.
Quiet please.
Quiet please.
[ Grunting .]
[ Laughter .]
[ Cheers and applause .]
Sorry about that.
I'm not cut out for Kung Fu.
I know that much.
[ Slurps .]
That shouldn't hurt, should it? Just having a cup of tea.
[ Slurps .]
Ahh.
Pilkington: With all these aches and pains and that, you know, Ricky and Steve have sorted me out with a Chinese massage, which isn't like them, now.
Lay down.
Get the socks off? This is how it starts, isn't it.
You are having a laugh.
Come on, now.
Oh, my God.
See that? Is that normal? No, lay down.
Boy.
All right, that's that's hot now.
That's mental.
No, that's hot.
That's hot.
[ Laughs .]
Okay, now, what is she doing? What is she doing? I've seen massages on the telly.
You don't normally have to have a fire extinguisher on standby when you're having amassage.
[ Exhales sharply .]
What is this doing? Man: This is a traditional Chinese massage.
But why? Tell me why, though.
Why is this traditional Chinese massage? I think it relaxes the muscles.
No, it doesn't relax me, so what does it do? Why is she setting fire to me? What good is it doing me? Don't just stand there saying it's traditional.
"It's traditional.
It's what they do here.
It's a delicacy.
" What is she doing? When have gloves on fire ever been associated with having a massage? Aah! I can feel it.
I can feel it.
I might as well have walked in there Aah! And been greeted by Edward Scissorhands.
Right.
I felt that.
Put it out.
Put it out, please! It's not a good sort of combination, that, really Having something done like that with a woman who can't understand me.
This leg's fine, tell her.
This leg is great.
I just want this one, and then we can go.
[ Inhales sharply .]
[ Laughs .]
Aah! That's hot now.
Maybe she's just a frustrated magician or something.
[ Groans .]
Couldn't get a gig doing magic.
Ends up doing back rubs, and she's come up with an idea with having gloves that are on fire.
[ Groans .]
I I screamed me head off, didn't I? 'Cause it was And I'm not messing, either, for the cameras.
'Cause I don't really do that.
It really hurt.
[ Beeping .]
[ Screams .]
What was that bleeping sound? Fire alarm? I've traveled miles, haven't I? And this is the end of it, is it? I mean, I thought you meant to save the best till last, but what is this? Bloody hell.
[ Hammering .]
[ Sea gulls squawking .]
Well, that's where it ends, isn't it? I mean, I haven't gotten another message from Steve saying, "Right.
Get your snorkel out.
You still haven't seen it all.
" And this definitely isn't you, is it.
They still got handy Andy working on it, by the sounds of things.
It doesn't feel like a wonder of the world Just this bit.
I liked it up on the hills where nobody was, but you got a fella down there selling hot dogs, they've built a bit of a conservatory on it over there, bloke flogging photographs, and then a lot of banging.
It's nonstop.
I don't get it, though.
How come I mean, this isn't protecting anything, is it? 'Cause if the enemy was coming down there, come across there, buy a hot dog.
I mean, they want to get over it.
I mean, take your shoes and socks off.
It's not even that deep there.
You can just wander 'round it.
So what is it protecting? This is my last sin that I've got to get rid of.
There's an old Chinese proverb by this Mao fella that says, "A toad in a well "only gets to see some of the sky, "and if the toad came up, he'd see more of the world," which, you know, is a bit like me, in a way.
I've seen more of the world just from doing this.
I don't know if it's made me a better person or not, but he's saying, if you get out of the well, you'll see the bigger picture.
It's good for you.
But I say it isn't.
And the thing is, it's not even worth getting out and seeing more sky here 'cause of all the pollution.
And definitely if you're a toad, I wouldn't get out of any hole here.
'Cause they'll grab you and cut your head off and eat you.
But there's one man who sees them differently.
If that was on my road, the council would be on it.
They'd go, "Get that down.
It's a death trap.
" [ Laughing .]
Karl Pilkington.
It's like a pylon.
[ Both laughing .]
I don't know the politically correct term.
"Moron," I think.
He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like, manc moron.
Buffoon, idiot.
Is that normal? And he's a friend.
We've often described him as being, like, some kind of real-life Homer Simpson.
Homer is small-minded, petty, but, at his core, a good person.
And lovable.
Absolutely lovable.
It's like a game of Jenga that's got out of hand.
I can't get enough of him.
Is everyone gonna be wearing this? He's a typical little Englander, and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.
My bollocks are squashed.
I just think that it would be amazing to send him around the world.
What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples and see if, in any way, we can change his outlook on the world.
I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.
I want him to hate it.
I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick.
I am that stick.
And now I have the might of Sky behind me.
This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done, and it's gonna be great.
Just let me go! Jesus Christ.
All right? Yeah.
I'm all right, yeah.
What are we doing today? Just hanging around.
You look nervous.
You look uneasy.
I am a bit, yeah.
It's not normal, is it? Merchant: What? What isn't? You're asking me how me day is in a room full of people I don't know.
Yeah.
Well, you're gonna get to know them.
You're gonna get to know them really well.
What, everywhere I go, these lot are coming, are they? Yeah.
Well, they've got to.
They got to film it.
Otherwise, you'd be by yourself, and we wouldn't see it on the telly.
Right, Karl.
I'm very jealous of your trip here, Karl, to the mighty Great Wall of China.
Well, you say that, but how come I'm going and you're not doing any? Well, because, um We're executive producers.
Yeah, we're busy.
We've got other stuff going on.
So, out of all the places, this is the place that I'm worried about most.
Why? Just the way they live.
They're different.
What, Chinese people? They just wreck everything.
They make everything weird.
That's what I'm worried about.
To you.
To you.
I don't understand what you mean.
Everything chicken.
Why is it orange in Chinatown? [ Laughing .]
Just the slightest thing.
The chicken is orange.
Anything.
Know what I mean? Octopus.
Toad.
[ Laughing .]
He just made that one up! No, say if I go over there.
I have a bit of toad.
I go, "Do you know what? Quite nice.
That's nicer than chicken.
" Yeah.
It's gonna be pretty tough to get a bit of grilled toad in this country.
It could make me sort of wish for stuff that I can no longer get ahold of.
Have you been listening to what he's been saying there? That he's scared to go to China in case he gets a taste for toad.
And then comes back and can't get toad.
So I just wanted to check that you heard that.
Yeah.
The way they write the letters are weird.
Their alphabet's not like ours.
That is like like someone testing out a biro.
Everything's [ Laughing .]
There's no logic to anything that they do.
There i there is! Of course there's a logic to it! The way they read a book, it's all the other way around From back to front instead of front to back and up and down.
Everything that we've done, they've gone, "Right.
We're gonna do it weirder.
" [ Laughing .]
That's how it comes across.
Well, some would say that they did it first.
Their civilization beat ours by many, many hundreds of years, but, anyway Right.
Off you go.
See you when you get back.
All right.
See ya.
A bit gray, isn't it? Is today a cloudy day, or is this pollution? It's not worth having this in HD, is it? Nothing looks crisp.
Everything's sort of hazy.
Like some sort of Kate Bush video or something.
Can anyone speak English? Does he want to give us a lift? English? Do you want to give us a ride? Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Hi.
Doesn't seem to work when you smile at people.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Blank.
So I don't know if smiling means smiling here.
I mean, if they don't understand me language and they don't understand me expressions, I don't know what I've got to communicate with.
Hi.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I got nothing then.
I don't think I've ever felt this lost.
Even in Wales.
See what I mean here, though, about things not being normal? You know, I get off a plane all sort of aching and jet-lagged.
I thought, "I know.
I'll have a massage.
That'll be nice.
" Massage.
Massage? Hai.
I'm never gonna get to where I'm going.
I haven't been to bed yet.
It is nice, though, to be fair.
That isn't that isn't good.
[ Grunts .]
Ha ha! Ha ha! [ Bones cracking .]
Ha ha! Ha ha.
Hell.
I mean, what was that a massage? I don't know.
Or was I just being mugged? Ha ha! Ho! Well, I'm just trying to find the hotel that Ricky and Steve have sorted out for me.
I'm not expecting that much, if I'm honest with you.
I've got a room.
Pilkington.
Nice.
It's compact, isn't it? Yes.
It's cozy.
It feels chinesey.
Yeah, it is.
[ Chuckles .]
Those slippers They're mine? Man: Mm-hmm.
Quite Chinese, aren't they? Behind the cloth, you have a TV.
Any English? No.
Only Chinese.
Okay.
Thanks.
Ta.
Quite like this touch.
Suzanne wants a fish, so I'll have to let her know that I've got a couple.
I mean, that is for sort of company, isn't it? It's not it's not some sort of appetizer, that, is it? That's handy.
You know, I said the Chinese always come up with inventions.
They're quite futuristic with their ideas.
That's all right, isn't it? Little radio with headlights.
I don't know when you'd need that.
I mean, the whole beauty of radio is, you know, you can listen to it in the dark.
I mean, if that was on the "Dragons' Den," you'd say, "I'm out," wouldn't you? I'm just gonna go and have a wander about, I think, 'cause there's nothing else to do, so I might as well, you know, at least try and see a bit of the place, mix with the locals.
And, you know, that's what Ricky and Steve want, isn't it? They want to see how I can handle meself with some foreigners.
Karl.
Woman: "Ka.
" "Kar.
" "Ka.
" "Kar.
" Karl.
Yeah.
"L" Karl.
"Karla.
" "Karla.
" Karl.
Not "Karla.
" Just "Karl.
" Karl.
Oh, Karl, Karl.
Yeah.
Karl.
Karl.
Karl? "Karlo.
" No.
No, no.
No.
"Kar.
" No.
Karl.
"Karlo.
" You don't need to add Like this in your country the "shasha be-ya.
" "Shasha be-ya.
" You look.
"Shasha be-ya.
" "Shasha be-ya.
" "Shas be-ya.
" Yeah.
Chinese Shakespeare.
"Shas-ber.
" Good! Yeah, "Hamlet.
" It's just breaking it up a little bit.
"Karl.
" Yeah, yeah.
I'm Kar-l-l.
"Kar.
" It's not "Kar.
" It's "Karl.
" Yeah, it smells more chinesey, now, doesn't it? Sort of sweet and sour.
That's good, isn't it? It's not dead.
That's dead, isn't it? Are they dead? Are they toads? So, I don't get it.
Are they alive in that bag? Man: Yeah.
Why aren't they legging it? He's got, like, a Sainsbury's bag full of toads.
He rips them out, cuts their head off, sticks them in another bin bag.
I don't even know what that is.
I mean, it looks like a load of condoms in jam and water or something.
I mean, it's weird how he's got it sat there as if that's meant to tempt you in.
Well, the idea was, you know, that I'd nip out, get a little snack 'cause Ricky and Steve said, "Yeah, try everything out.
You know, do what the locals do," but there's no way I'm eating this stuff.
Scorpion, sea horse, cockroach, silkworm, caterpillar.
This looks like they custard creams on a stick, as well, at the end.
Just anything on a stick.
Whatever you want on a stick.
I just don't understand why they're eating all this.
I mean, at home, restaurants would get closed down for having a cockroach in the kitchen.
Yet here, it's a starter.
I didn't know it'd be like this.
I didn't think it'd be this mental, really, in the food department.
There's a woman over there just tucking in on a Bunch of scorpions.
It's kind of like she's just having a bit of a chicken leg.
Not a problem.
Just just shoving them in her face.
She looks at it before she puts it in her mouth like, "Oh, yeah.
Which bit will I have first? The head or the ass?" I mean, as she's eating one off one stick, she's looking at the other stick.
She can't get enough of them.
Her eyes It's like they're doughnuts to her.
She's looking at them, she's going, "Oh, look at that one there.
That one looks nice.
" You see, I don't know where it stops.
Where's the line between food and insect? If she gets up in the morning, there's a spider in the bath, what does she do? "Oh, good.
I'll leave the croissant for tomorrow.
I'll eat that now.
" What's he eating? Oh, God.
What sort of egg is that? Man: No, it's a fetus Inside an egg.
A fetus? I don't want any.
Just for people watching who don't know, he's with us, you know, helping drive the bus and what have you.
He seems like a normal bloke.
I mean, eating a fetus.
Not even waiting for the thing to be born and to live a bit and then eat it.
I mean, a fetus.
Only been here for a bit, I'm running out of these.
I got three more packets left.
But, you know, the weird thing is, I'm the freak here, aren't I? Everyone else is eating that.
I'm eating these.
I'm the odd one out.
Had my name done.
That says "Karl.
" Could be that way.
Could be that way.
I don't know.
It's one or the other.
Could be that way.
Let's face it.
I don't know.
Could be any way.
I'm sure if you, you know If you're Chinese and you're watching this, you know if I got it the right way up.
There you go.
That says "Karl.
" I mean, I haven't got Suzanne a gift yet.
I could just give her this and say, "Yeah, it says 'Suzanne, ' that.
" She wouldn't know.
Pilkington: Well, I'm here to see the Great Wall, aren't I? You know, one of the wonders of the world, but I'm just not in the mood, honestly.
I'm still knackered.
I'm still jet-lagged.
And just just the weirdness of China.
That tires you out, too.
[ Man singing in Chinese .]
What's all the noise out there? [ Horn honking, bell dinging .]
It's like 1:00 in the morning at home.
I've got a message.
Merchant: All right, enjoy.
Do people really believe that here? I mean, are people taking kids in and saying to him, "Right, here's me kid.
What's his future gonna be like?" 'Cause his life is gonna be a load of shit anyway.
End it.
Do him a favor.
But then it doesn't always work like that.
That's what I mean with fate.
I didn't do that well at school.
I left with an "e" in history.
So, see, if my dad knew that, he'd go, "Right, get the brick," and that would be the end of it.
Whereas I've done all right.
I've got a job.
I'm paying me way in life.
I have got a bit of a problem with this.
A mate has sent me to have this done.
I'm not happy about it, really.
I sort of think I'm better off not knowing.
If something bad's gonna happen, I'd prefer it just to happen without having a warning.
[ Sips .]
Time time I was born.
A palm pilot.
I didn't expect him to have a palm pilot.
Quite futuristic.
Do you know who Bruce Springsteen is? He's got the same birth date as me.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
Interpreter: I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm concentrating on calculating your future.
All right.
[ Sighs .]
[ Speaking Chinese .]
You have to pay attention to your health because you've got some sort of heart problem.
Oh, here we go.
What sort of heart problem? Something to do with your heart blood vessel.
It's weird, that, 'cause me dad had a problem with his heart.
And they say it runs in the family.
So is it gonna kill me, then? [ Speaking Chinese .]
90%.
90%? Mm.
Brilliant.
But maybe we can change it.
Although you have some health problem, we're gonna do a ceremony for you.
But you do need to write a confession about what you did wrong.
Something I did wrong.
Something I did wrong in the past.
Mm.
Did wrong.
[ Slurps .]
[ Breathes deeply .]
[ Speaking Chinese .]
You need to write three confessions on those three pieces of paper.
All right.
Pilkington: When I lived in the other flat, there was a fellow who used to live in it called Bruce, and he used to get his post, and I'd open it.
It was his old flat.
I kept getting posts for him years after he'd moved out.
See, it's meant to be bad, though, isn't it? Carl Grimshaw I put putty in his hair, and he had to have his head shaved.
That's a bit tight, wasn't it? And he had a funny-shaped head, so he looked really bad.
I'll put that down.
Carl Grimshaw for putting putty in his hair.
So, I worked at this bloke's shop, called Bob.
I was his best paperboy.
So I'd collate all me papers, get them all get them all ready, stick them in me bag.
When he wasn't looking, I'd just sort of take a Mars bar, slip it up me sleeve.
Off we go.
So, every day, seven a week for aboutTwo years.
Lot of Mars bars.
I know that.
That's why it's on here.
It's always been playing on me mind, that.
'Cause I since found out that shop doesn't make that much money from delivering papers.
Hiya.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
Interpreter: This is a healing process.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
Now everything gonna be fine.
The other two papers, one needs to be put on top of a mountain.
The other one needs to be put in the sea.
It will help you to cleanse your soul.
Again, thanks a lot.
[ Bell dings .]
Just give us a second.
Give us a sec.
You are kidding me.
You seen this? See the things? There's no doors or anything.
Soon as you open the door, you could just get a full view of someone.
I mean, if it was here, it's more understandable, isn't it? Because if you sat here, and at least people come in and you'd go, "So I'm in this one.
" It's a bit weird to just sort of wander in and I mean, they've made this bit.
Why not just finish it up with a door on it? They've done the hard bit.
Couple of hinges and a door.
And there's no toilet paper.
What do they do? Do they just pull up their pants and walk off? Is that what you do? I'm not here to say they should be using toilet paper.
It's not right.
If that's not what they do, that's not what they do.
But it's just I didn't know that.
I didn't think China was gonna be like this.
I thought it was gonna be more Like I said, I thought it was where they made the iPod.
I think I've got the wrong place because this ain't a place where they need an iPod.
Have a toilet roll first.
I mean, it's weird.
'Cause whenever you buy stuff like that, toilet rollovers and stuff, it says "Made in China.
" Why ain't they using them, then? That's odd, isn't it? So he's got to leave the house, he's got to go, "Do I feel like one today? "I might do.
I have a bit of a dicky belly.
I best get me seat.
" Everyone who's walking past knows he's gonna have a shit at some point today.
I wouldn't like that.
Do you know, like, how when I go into a public toilet, you like to nip in with a coin and open the door? Yeah, well, you couldn't do that here 'cause there no doors on the toilets.
[ Laughing .]
They were filming some stuff on the street, just, like, traffic and stuff.
I said, "I'm just nipping in here.
" Walked in, was greeted by two fellas squatting.
[ Laughing .]
They were chefs from the place on the corner, so that's that's reassuring.
Honest to God.
One of them was on the phone taking an order.
It was it was really [ Laughing .]
I've never seen anything like it.
I don't think I could ever get used to that.
You need to have your own space when doing that, and they're just there.
One's on the phone, the other one's just sort of looking 'round.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, it looked like he was sort of saying, "I'll have it ready in, like, about five min Oh, no, give me 10.
" Or a "king-poo" chicken.
[ Laughing .]
No.
Pilkington: Yeah, well, I'm seeing the Great Wall today, aren't I? Ricky and Steve just said, "Get down to the bus depot," where there's loads of coaches and that, which, you know I'm not looking forward to this.
Pilkington, Pilkington.
You know, I mean, getting on a bus full of tourists with a fella stood at the front, yapping on, you know, with loads of history facts and just loads of stuff that you're never gonna remember.
Is there an English bus? English tour? Do you not understand? Ricky and Steve just said come here.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Thanks a lot.
Hello.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
It's a bit of a pointless exercise, really.
It's pointless.
Stuck in here with a daft hat on, not understanding what's going on.
I mean, this woman's friendly enough.
But even she's sort of blanking in and out.
[ Man speaking Chinese .]
[ Coughs .]
[ Spits .]
[ Man coughing, hawking .]
Yeah, the fella behind me is coughing his guts up.
I thought I was putting on a waterproof coat in case it rained.
I need it just for on this bus.
[ Hawking continues .]
Why do they do that? [ Imitating hawking .]
There's the wall.
I can't see it now anyway, so it'll be a surprise for me.
[ Hawking continues .]
How long does it take to get there? [ Woman speaking Chinese .]
Feel like I'm at the post office on O.
A.
P.
day.
Wonder of the world.
A wonder of the world.
Well Look at everyone, pushing and shoving.
This is it, then.
"It was heavily restored in both the 1950s and 1980s.
" I didn't know that.
Not even old bricks? Am I missing something here? So the old stuff's gone on it, really.
But then it doesn't count.
It shouldn't be a wonder, then.
You can't just build something on it and still, you know, get all the tourists in when it's not what it says on the tin.
What I'm looking at is basically a wimpy home.
You know, you can see it for miles Goes on for miles over the hills and everything, but so does the M6.
Do you know what I mean? You can see that for miles and you go, "Great," and that does a job.
You can drive on that.
Got bears in here.
What's this all about, though? It's almost like they know that the wall isn't that good, "So what else can we give them? "We've charged them like 7 quid to get in to see an old wall.
It's not an old wall.
It's from the 1980s.
" "I've got a mate who's got some bears.
" "Yeah, yeah.
Stick them down at the bottom.
" There you are.
Look at him Stood up.
Evolution.
Driver's getting involved, chucking it food 'cause he's not into apple, is he.
I've seen what he likes eating.
If that was some sort of squid with a tumor on its head, he'd be tucking in to it.
He's not into fruit.
So, really, I fancy getting in there and getting a mouthful.
It's the first normal food I've seen since I've been here.
Woman's voice: You have one new message.
Pilkington: What's the point of that? Yeah, just just a bit annoyed today 'cause, you know, I thought I'd seen the Great Wall of China, which, being honest with you, it's not the Great Wall.
It's an all right wall.
It's the "all right" wall of China.
But, you know, I thought I'd seen it.
And then Steve calls up with some bright idea, saying, "Oh, I want you to see more of it.
In fact, I want you to see all of it.
" It's just stupid.
Woman's voice: You have one new message.
Are they having a laugh? This isn't the Great Wall, is it? You're kidding me.
I mean, I like the way there's no tourists and that.
But then, why would there be? This is the original wall, isn't it.
Or is it? I don't know.
Is it just badly done? This is pretty shit, isn't it? You're meant to be able to see it from the moon, aren't you, the Great Wall? Would you want to? Neil Armstrong getting his binoculars out.
"I be seeing it from up here, Buzz.
" Jesus.
And the fortune teller told me that, you know, I had to get rid of one of me sins on a mountain, so I might as well do it whilst I'm up here.
That was the one about Carl Grimshaw getting putty in his hair.
But, you know, it's worth doing, isn't it? If it means I'm not gonna have a heart attack.
Pilkington: Well, I've been traveling for three days.
I've walked miles.
And let's face it.
There's only so much time you can look at anything, and the only reason I've come to this bit of the wall is because Steve said there was a little village close by, and he knows someone who's gonna sort some dinner out.
Ni hao.
Ni hao.
Ni hao.
Are you all right? [ Speaking Chinese .]
He's a big lad.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
Um Just just just a little, little bit.
Little bit.
Not big.
Uh, full.
Well, they seem like nice people.
And I can tell that just Even though I can't speak their language and stuff.
Got some food for me.
It's nice, but it's just a bit awkward if there's something I don't like in it because I can't you know, you can have You can use your hands to say certain things, but what can you do if it's something I don't like? I can't sort of make a lie up.
What is that? What is that? Right, forget it.
Forget it.
It's fucking hell.
They're massive toads.
Yeah, it's toads in a courier bag.
Oh, I looked at the wrong time! I didn't really want to look, but when I turned around, it looked like she was having a wrestle with one.
Then I heard, like, doof! Doof! So I'm guessing the toad wasn't winning.
And I've been told it tastes like chicken, so I should just eat it and think, "Yeah, it's chicken.
It's chicken.
Just nice chicken.
" Why did she have to cave its head in out here? Why couldn't she just do it inside somewhere and then I'd eat it? Tell me after.
[ Woman shouting in Chinese .]
All right, yeah, I'll in a minute.
If they knew we were coming, couldn't they have just got something normal? Why didn't you say to them, "Now, is it all right if we bring Karl around, cook him something?" "Yeah, yeah.
Of course you can, yeah.
What does he like to eat? Does he like toad?" Just, surely.
I know you don't know me that well, but you know me enough that I've never said to you, "Do you know what? I'd love a bit of toad.
" I've never said that to you.
You could have just nipped it in the bud there and then gone, "Oh, he's not a fan of that.
He's not.
" I don't like it.
They're waving me over.
[ Sighing .]
So this is like a murder scene with a bit of toad's head there.
Oh, look at this.
[ Sighs .]
Chicken, chicken.
Just a little bit 'cause I'm not very good with these.
He's better than me.
Ah.
That just looks like noodles.
Mmm.
Nice.
Mmm.
Lots of that.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
No, love it.
Love it.
Mmm.
Oh, just Just chewing.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
Another minute.
I think the baby's choking.
[ Chuckles .]
Hang on.
Pilkington: Eating toad was weird.
Um I had a little bit of toad.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
[ Exhales deeply .]
Like, uh Chicken.
Just chicken.
This woman was forcing it to me.
She was saying, "No, eat it, eat it.
" [ Laughing .]
[ Gagging .]
Ugh! Not fun.
Every time I swallowed it, it was coming back up.
It was like it was still alive and the legs were still kicking itself out of my head.
[ Gervais laughing .]
Ugh! Ugh! Right.
No more.
[ Exhales sharply .]
What's he making, then? Not a toilet door.
I know that much.
Hello.
What what are you making? What is this? Interpreter: Coffin.
Coffin? Is this for someone local? This lady here.
It's for this lady? She looks pretty healthy.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
It's better to make it now, because when you're young, you prepare those things.
When you're old and you won't be able to organize it.
Doesn't it depress you, seeing this every day when you leave your house? Not the way it looks.
I think it's a nice-looking coffin, as coffins go, but I don't want to be reminded that I'm gonna die Not every day.
[ Speaking Chinese .]
I'm not scared of death.
I'm not worried about it.
All right.
Maybe you can help me sanding the coffin.
Pilkington: I mean, my flat isn't big enough to have something like this hanging around.
I haven't got any outside space, so I'd have to have a parking permit for this.
So I couldn't be doing this at home.
But there's something good about it because as you get older you know, she's in her 60s it's a nice little project, isn't it? She's got a lot.
This is probably sorted out.
She doesn't have to worry about that.
The house is probably paid for.
D you need something to do to keep you going.
If you haven't got any little projects, that's when you die.
So, in a way It's just something that, when she goes to bed at night, she's got a little "to do" list in her head "Coffin needs to be varnished.
I'll have to sort that.
" 'Cause there's not that much else around here, is there, to keep your mind busy? Look at this.
He's gone off now.
He's having his lunch.
He left me here doing this.
Woman's voice: You have one new message.
Merchant: My friend, Kung Fu.
Pilkington: Kung Fu.
What do I want to see Kung Fu for? Violent, isn't it? It's pretty impressive the way everyone's remembered the kick.
It was never like this for me, school.
About 25 minutes was just spent with all the kids trying to find a pair of shorts out of lost property 'cause no one ever remembered to bring the kit.
So it was more like a "Trinny & Susannah" than a P.
E.
lesson we'd all be sort of going, "Are these your type?" "Do you want to wear these?" "I'll wear them.
" Just everyone taking it seriously.
The P.
E.
teacher wasn't a proper P.
E.
teacher.
He did geography when he wasn't doing P.
E.
and that's why we have a lot of fat kids.
Leo.
How are you? Welcome to Shaolin and where the origin of Kung Fu coming from.
And you are going to see the Kung Fu training.
This is the metal.
All right.
And we're going to put on our throat.
If I use my finger, just have a little touch All right! Yeah, just tell me.
You don't have to do that, yeah.
And you will have a very big Yeah, that's Ooh-ee! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! That's got to hurt, don't it? So I'll see you outside the hotel, about sort of 4:00, quarter to 5:00.
4:00 A.
M.
Okay? 4:00 in the morning.
You having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? I can't tell.
They're hard to read.
All right.
Well, that's good, isn't it? You know, I've been walking the wall for the last few days, you know, aching all over, and now he wants me to get up at 4:00 in the morning to do some Kung Fu.
That's nice and relaxing, isn't it? And he just went Like that.
[ Conks .]
Ohh! [ Conks .]
Ai! Where did he hit it? He hit it there, didn't he? [ Conks .]
No.
[ Conks .]
Ooh! Hmm.
[ Conks .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Conks .]
No.
[ Knock on door .]
Pilkington: Shit.
You are late.
In two minutes, downstairs.
He wasn't joking, was he, when he said he was gonna come 'round at 4:00.
Thought he was just having a bit of fun with me.
Nice start to the day.
Moon's still out.
[ Lips smack .]
Yeah.
Thing is, I don't know what power I've got.
That's the thing.
If I start wrestling with him, I don't know how strong I am.
I might do some damage By accident 'Cause I don't go about punching people and stuff, so I don't know how hard I can hit.
I might I might really hurt him.
See, if I'm just a proper mugger.
I'm walking down the street, right? I look at you.
I'm going this way, yes.
Hang on a minute.
Yeah, just get back a bit.
So, I'm walking down the street, and I think, "This fella looks like he's got a few quid," and I'd go I'd go I'd go "Excuse me.
You haven't got the time on you, have you?" And grabs your money.
Oh.
Aah! All right! Give us your money.
Ohh! Right, yeah, yeah.
Watch what will happen.
Yeah, yeah.
I know, yeah.
I got it the first time.
Man: Come on, go! All right.
Quickly! Faster! Come on, come on! [ Shouting .]
[ Grunting .]
Fuck off.
[ Grunting .]
Quick! [ Grunting .]
Fuck off.
Pilkington: He didn't know what me health is.
At no point since I've been here has he gone, "Now, Karl, it's a serious issue.
Have you got any health problems?" He's always pushing a little bit more.
He loves giving pain out.
He's not a Buddhist, is he? He's a lunatic.
Do it.
Do it.
Up.
Right.
Right.
What am I doing? Seriously.
What is going on here? Okay, Karl.
I give you a challenge.
What sort of challenge? Hyah! What's the other challenge? This is glass.
Balloon.
I'm going to throw the needle from this way to get this balloon.
You're gonna throw a needle through the glass Yes.
Hit the balloon Yes.
Hole in glass? Yes.
So you're gonna Hey, hang on a minute! Right.
1 2 No way.
Jesus.
I'm impressed with that.
You want to have a try? Here we go.
Quiet please.
Quiet please.
[ Grunting .]
[ Laughter .]
[ Cheers and applause .]
Sorry about that.
I'm not cut out for Kung Fu.
I know that much.
[ Slurps .]
That shouldn't hurt, should it? Just having a cup of tea.
[ Slurps .]
Ahh.
Pilkington: With all these aches and pains and that, you know, Ricky and Steve have sorted me out with a Chinese massage, which isn't like them, now.
Lay down.
Get the socks off? This is how it starts, isn't it.
You are having a laugh.
Come on, now.
Oh, my God.
See that? Is that normal? No, lay down.
Boy.
All right, that's that's hot now.
That's mental.
No, that's hot.
That's hot.
[ Laughs .]
Okay, now, what is she doing? What is she doing? I've seen massages on the telly.
You don't normally have to have a fire extinguisher on standby when you're having amassage.
[ Exhales sharply .]
What is this doing? Man: This is a traditional Chinese massage.
But why? Tell me why, though.
Why is this traditional Chinese massage? I think it relaxes the muscles.
No, it doesn't relax me, so what does it do? Why is she setting fire to me? What good is it doing me? Don't just stand there saying it's traditional.
"It's traditional.
It's what they do here.
It's a delicacy.
" What is she doing? When have gloves on fire ever been associated with having a massage? Aah! I can feel it.
I can feel it.
I might as well have walked in there Aah! And been greeted by Edward Scissorhands.
Right.
I felt that.
Put it out.
Put it out, please! It's not a good sort of combination, that, really Having something done like that with a woman who can't understand me.
This leg's fine, tell her.
This leg is great.
I just want this one, and then we can go.
[ Inhales sharply .]
[ Laughs .]
Aah! That's hot now.
Maybe she's just a frustrated magician or something.
[ Groans .]
Couldn't get a gig doing magic.
Ends up doing back rubs, and she's come up with an idea with having gloves that are on fire.
[ Groans .]
I I screamed me head off, didn't I? 'Cause it was And I'm not messing, either, for the cameras.
'Cause I don't really do that.
It really hurt.
[ Beeping .]
[ Screams .]
What was that bleeping sound? Fire alarm? I've traveled miles, haven't I? And this is the end of it, is it? I mean, I thought you meant to save the best till last, but what is this? Bloody hell.
[ Hammering .]
[ Sea gulls squawking .]
Well, that's where it ends, isn't it? I mean, I haven't gotten another message from Steve saying, "Right.
Get your snorkel out.
You still haven't seen it all.
" And this definitely isn't you, is it.
They still got handy Andy working on it, by the sounds of things.
It doesn't feel like a wonder of the world Just this bit.
I liked it up on the hills where nobody was, but you got a fella down there selling hot dogs, they've built a bit of a conservatory on it over there, bloke flogging photographs, and then a lot of banging.
It's nonstop.
I don't get it, though.
How come I mean, this isn't protecting anything, is it? 'Cause if the enemy was coming down there, come across there, buy a hot dog.
I mean, they want to get over it.
I mean, take your shoes and socks off.
It's not even that deep there.
You can just wander 'round it.
So what is it protecting? This is my last sin that I've got to get rid of.
There's an old Chinese proverb by this Mao fella that says, "A toad in a well "only gets to see some of the sky, "and if the toad came up, he'd see more of the world," which, you know, is a bit like me, in a way.
I've seen more of the world just from doing this.
I don't know if it's made me a better person or not, but he's saying, if you get out of the well, you'll see the bigger picture.
It's good for you.
But I say it isn't.
And the thing is, it's not even worth getting out and seeing more sky here 'cause of all the pollution.
And definitely if you're a toad, I wouldn't get out of any hole here.
'Cause they'll grab you and cut your head off and eat you.