An Idiot Abroad (2010) s01e02 Episode Script
India
The Seven Wonders of the World.
Christ the Redeemer.
The Taj Mahal.
The Great Pyramids.
Truly man's greatest achievements.
But there's one man who sees them differently.
Like a pylon.
Karl Pilkington.
I don't know the politically correct term.
Moron, I think.
He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like Manc moron.
Buffoon.
Idiot.
Is that normal? And he's a friend.
He's a typical little Englander and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.
Bollocks are squashed.
I just think that it'd be amazing to send him round the world.
What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world.
I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.
I want him to hate it.
I want him to hate every minute of it, for my own amusement.
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick.
I am that stick, and now I have the might of Sky behind me.
Oh, shit.
Shit! This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done, and it's gonna be great.
Just let me go home.
Jesus Christ! This you must be excited about seeing, surely? This, truly, without question, is one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
- The extraordinary Taj Mahal.
Yeah? - Yeah.
Built in the 17th century.
It took them 22 years to construct it.
That's not good, is it? If that happened now, you'd go, "What they doing?" It's the 17th century, a man who builds a mausoleum for his dead wife, so heartbroken is he.
Guilty.
He obviously did something bad when she was alive.
That's like giving someone flowers.
I've never had to do that.
I've never felt guilty.
- You never thought, "Give her some flowers"? - No, she'd be like, "What's been going on?" If I built her that, she'd be going, "What's been going on?" Why did he feel he had to do that? Cos he loved her so much.
It was a shrine to her memory.
Yeah.
Just a little elephant going down the street.
I can't imagine them being that good as a way of getting about.
To me, that's like how people moan in London about people having four-by-fours.
You don't need an animal of that size to get about.
It's way too big.
Getting ill is my biggest worry about being here.
I hate being ill.
You know, Suzanne isn't around.
I'm on my own.
If I get ill, I'll just have to mope about on my own.
It's definitely the poorest place I've ever been to, you know, without a doubt, and I I don't know if I'll be able to get used to that.
Fucking runaway horse! It's doing my head in, this.
I'm meant to be meeting a local fella who rides one of these rickshaws for a living.
Um Ricky and Steve thought it'd be a good idea, for some reason.
I can't work out what the reason is, though.
This is madness.
It's like standing in the middle of a motorway.
I mean, what a place to meet a fella who's got a rickshaw! My eyes have never been so busy.
There's always something there going, "Look at me!" And then, as you turn that way, you see something over there.
So, you're like that.
By the end of today my neck will be well and truly worn out, cos it doesn't normally move that fast.
There's layers of madness.
And what is that? Where where is he taking that? You can't say he's taking it to the tip, cos there's shit everywhere.
They just overload the bike so much that you just kind of think, "Get a van.
" Can you see any distinguishing features in this fella's rickshaw? - Aashiq? - Yeah, yeah.
Are you? OK.
It's a bit of a mad place to sit and have a discussion.
Yeah, yeah.
Oncoming tragic.
Oh.
Ah, what the fucking hell's going on? I've got this bus up my arse here.
Oh! There's no way of getting around.
Oh! Going through someone's cricket game.
How long have I been here? I haven't even been here a full day yet.
I thought the day was gonna end and I'd at least have a good night's kip.
That's not gonna happen now.
Aashiq's just invited me to stay with him.
He lives in the back of a shop.
- You've got a shop.
You live in it as well.
- Yeah.
- The rickshaw? - Yeah.
Hiya.
It's hot in here.
Erm I'll just sit down here, if that's all right.
- So, how would you sleep here? - Yeah.
- What, just flat out there? - Yeah.
Tonight, how many will be sleeping here? Can you understand why this is a little bit of a shock to me? When I found out that he ran a shop from where he lived, I kind of thought he'd be you know, how you see chippies, and they've got a living room in the back and when you walk in, the bell goes and they run out from watching Emmerdale Farm, and you say, "I'll have cod and chips.
" That's what I was expecting, not sort of a I mean, what is this? It isn't a living space, is it? - What's it lacking? - What's it lacking? There isn't even a toilet, actually.
That's only just hit me.
I was worrying about having to use a traditional toilet.
There isn't one, so that's that worry gone.
But then What what do I do? - OK? - So, we're not staying here tonight? No, no, no.
What makes you think I would be happier in this other place? Have they got a toilet? - Yeah.
- Let's go, then.
- Yeah, let's go.
- Good, you've sold it to me.
This is more like it.
This will do.
Toilet, brilliant.
Well, how do you go? I don't understand the Go, go, go.
Turn, turn.
- Hang on.
I'm just getting my balance.
- Take the Yeah.
No paper? L-I don't think I'll be able to go like this.
My body's just not used to this.
I know, but do you understand how difficult it is for me? - I've come from London.
- Yeah.
Less than 24 hours ago, I was sat in one.
Newspaper.
Quite happy.
Not even 24 hours ago.
Now you're saying, "Come in here, give it that, you'll be all right.
" It's not as easy as that for me.
My insides won't won't allow it to happen.
It can't possibly be better.
- Splash back.
I don't want to get into detail.
- No, no, no.
Well, you'll see tomorrow, cos I am getting first dibs on this and you'll see if it's better and you'll go, "Good God, who's been in here?" Let's see how good it is.
You're laughing cos you know I'm right.
Right, hopefully I won't need to go.
I didn't sleep well last night, did I? I'm still shattered from yesterday.
I mean, that was a mental first day.
It doesn't look like it's gonna end.
Aashiq's just given me some pijamas to wear.
He said, "Oh, you'll be needing these for your next surprise.
" I don't know what it is.
You know, I mean surprises are meant to be nice things, aren't they? What's up, Karl? Just got a text from Steve.
"Hi, Karl.
India is not all poverty and urban chaos, mate.
" Well, he obviously hasn't been here, cos it is.
So, straightaway that's annoyed me.
"Time to get your arse up north, "for some exposure to the spiritual side of India, "the biggest religious festival on the planet, only 20 million pilgrims expected.
" He knows I hate crowds.
"Just one hurdle, to get there, it's an eight-hour overnight bus ride.
" Excuse me, what's all this? Why are they covered in - jesus.
- Yes, yes, yes, Holy Day! I want to go to the bus station now.
Bus station.
You know, the big bus, big - Mm.
- Toot, toot! I don't know what's going on.
Just everybody just looks like they're painter and decorators.
Everyone is just caked in colours.
Happy Holy! I just hope we don't stop at any more tragic lights cos every time we stop, someone slaps my face with a load of colour.
Er the bus is coming up.
Buses.
Is this the bus station? Bus station? I'm trying to get a bus.
- You come with me.
- Buses down here, yeah? Your family? - They they love you.
- Happy Holy.
Happy Holy! What's what are we doing here? - Happy Holy.
Happy Holy.
- Happy Holy.
I mean, normally if I'm messing about with paint, I'm quite a tidy worker.
This wouldn't happen.
But I didn't have the time to not do it, did I? He said, "Come and meet my family.
" I'm like, "All right, then.
" Next thing you know I mean, it is paintball, basically, without the safety.
There was no goggles involved.
It was just, "Doof!" It was good that Aashiq was concerned about my clothing, and he gave me summat to wear today.
He could have told me about the shoes, you know.
I mean, that's all very well telling me, like, to worry about a T-shirt that was 12 quid from Topman.
I've got 70-quid trainers on.
He didn't tell me to take them off.
So, um they're knackered.
Yesterday I thought I'd got used to it.
I thought, "Right, I'll be OK tomorrow.
" Just when you think, "Right, I know what India means, I know what it's all about," this happens.
Anyway, where's this bus stop? I'm not well, honestly, I feel really sick.
I've got a fever.
I can't tell if I'm sort of got a bad fever, cos, you know, I can't tell what colour I am with all the with all the dye.
But, um What's that? Er I don't care any more.
I just sort of feel like if I'm gonna shit myself, I will.
Cos I just feel that sort of ill.
That's never been used.
Is that it? Is that the Oh, there's a queue here.
- I'm just He's helping me out.
- Not here.
Yeah? Is that all right? Sorry.
Just a quick one.
Is there a ticket to Haridwar? They're kicking off.
I knew that would happen.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
I'm happy I mean, at the end of the day, are these all for the same bus? You know, I don't want to be sat on a bus for eight hours with some people who, you know, are pissed off with me.
Oh, excuse me.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
I tell you what, it doesn't matter how amazing that Taj Mahal is, it's not worth all this.
I haven't even seen it yet but I'm telling you that now, and that isn't good, going with that attitude.
Alan Whicker, he did all his travel shows years ago.
A smart fella with a suit on.
Never saw him covered in shit.
Never saw him knackered, whinging, moaning.
People will be watching it going, "What's wrong with you? It's India.
What do you expect?" You're not here.
Received 4:58pm.
Um yeah.
I don't know anything about the festival, other than what Steve told me about it being a massive religious thing and it's by a famous river, you know, the Ganges, which I've heard of.
But other than that, I don't know why I'm going, and on top of all that, Ricky's told me that I'm staying at a place called Lahore House.
- Sounds good, doesn't it? - Your tent is ready.
- Tent? - Yes.
A tent, brilliant.
I haven't slept.
I'm being put in a tent.
You see? - This is all right, isn't it? - Yes.
- Bathroom.
- This is well smart.
I wasn't expecting this.
Brilliant.
Bit of a stretch there for the toilet paper, if I'm being picky, that distance.
But I tell you what, I am really chugged.
Yeah, I've been camping.
I've done tents before.
But nothing like this.
I've got a normal toilet, which is handy cos of the way I've been feeling.
Nice comfy bed.
View of that, you know, famous river.
Can't ask for more.
A lot of people say, "I'm going to India to find myself.
" Look at the colour of that.
But what happens if I change and I go home and I'm all different? Suzanne's gonna go, "What's happened to you", and then she doesn't like the new me.
And then I'll start to hate myself because I'm not the person who I thought I was.
I know who I am.
Bloody hell.
I'm getting bills for Karl Pilkington left, right and center, so I hope I'm him.
Cos if I'm not, I'm paying for someone else.
There's nowt wrong with this, is there? All this space here.
Honestly, I'm happy.
I can stay here now for the rest of the time here.
If I'm listening to him doing that, isn't that me getting involved? Isn't that enough? I'm just saying let's have a few days here.
That's the Ganges.
I'll look at that.
Isnât that a big part of India? Let's focus on that for a bit.
It's not very interesting telly to just stay here all day, though, Karl.
I don't know why Steve wants me to go to a religious festival.
He knows I'm not into it.
The only things that's making me sort of interested a little bit is the bloke who's had his arm in the air for 12 years and the elephant Baba.
Other than that, I don't know what's down there for me.
All right, mate? Er Well, I've had better holidays.
All this spiritual stuff you keep harping on about, it's not me.
Why do you think I'm interested in But that's like going to a brothel and saying, "I'm just gonna stand over here and watch.
" Either you get involved or you shouldn't be there.
Yeah.
Yeah, and tonight I had some sort of new pudding that I've never had before, carrots with sort of milk and sugar on it.
I enjoyed it.
I'd have it again.
I don't know if I'll find it in London.
In HD? This is a bit weird, isn't it? Are these the Baba people? I mean, they're meant to have special powers, aren't they? But look at 'em.
I mean, I thought they'd be sort of more religious-looking, all prim and proper.
This one hasn't even got pants on.
We are now in the area which is all different Baba's.
Welcome.
You should take his lesson.
First Baba, he reminded me of Bill Oddie.
His feet are backwards.
- Holy yoga.
- Yoga.
- Big power.
- Big power.
Even though he's meant to be this mystical sort of man, different life and everything, I'm just looking at him thinking, "I haven't seen The Goodies for ages.
" And then the other Baba looked like jim Morrison.
There he was, stark bollock naked, shades on.
He was concerned about hurting his eyes in the sun but wasn't worried about, you know, sunburning his arse cheeks.
He is showing you some new postures so he'll - He's showing a lot.
- Yeah.
- If you want to see more, you'll have to pay.
- I don't want to see more.
I didn't know where to look.
Tell him that's enough.
Sticking his legs around the back of his head.
I got a right eyeful.
OK.
Can I try? I just wondered how bendy my legs are.
That's all I'm taking off.
Phwarr! I just heard something crack.
Right, are you ready? Hang on.
Hey.
Aah! Aah.
I can't.
Hey! Dollar! - A dollar? - Very good.
Here you are, here's that Baba out the paper.
So, could he explain the the reason why he's decided to do this? He has chosen this as a part of his way of communicating and his way of reaching to the gods.
That-that to me is It's ridiculous.
Most of the time, my left hand is only helping out the right hand.
It's if I'm washing up, I'll pass it something.
That's it or it just holds something whilst this one does all the work.
I understand that one arm is better than the other, but I'd never say, "Oh, but I don't need it, right?" Has has anybody ever took it further and done both? Both arms? There are others also who do it with one leg up, both hands up, both the legs up so they'll never stand on their feet.
That's no existence, is it? We all dedicate our lives to something, don't we? Been with Suzanne for 16 years.
That's dedication for you.
And I've got my two arms to do things for her.
Is he married? How does he help around the house? "Albert, windows need cleaning.
" "Oh, you'll have to do 'em.
" - You know.
It's just a great excuse, isn't it? Yeah, it was better than I thought it was, you know, quite interesting, and I'm going back tomorrow to see the elephant Baba.
He's got a head like an elephant.
That should be good.
I'm gonna go down to the Kumbh Mela festival again.
Which is weird, cos I didn't want to go initially.
But I found it quite interesting.
And the translator's called and he's told me that he's found the elephant Baba.
- Yeah, I can see him.
Yeah, I can see him.
- You can.
- Here we take off our shoes.
- Shoes off.
Money down there.
Oh.
- How is he feeling today? Is he well? - OK, good.
- OK.
- Mm.
He doesn't mind he doesn't mind me looking at all? This is fine? Yeah.
Does he have any sort of health issues with him? Does he struggle doing anything? He's quite healthy.
He does his yoga every day.
Could you get him to explain what effect it has had on living here and looking like this? The main god for them is Ganesh, the elephant god, and so they consider him to be kind of an incarnation of Lord Ganesh.
It was how I thought it would be, you know, meeting elephant Baba.
He seems quite happy.
You know, he's doing what he can do with the way he's been born.
It was his mate that surprised me more.
Whips his, er walking stick out.
Oh, God.
I don't I don't understand what What does that show? He can he can do it just because he does yoga every day.
I've never heard of that sort of yoga.
Ooh! What was that? There was a crack.
When you're doing that every day, you need the walking stick.
It's handy, that, it's a two-in-one tool in a way.
But I don't understand this need here to let everyone know what you believe in.
Vandalizing his own sort of knob and bollocks.
Yeah, that was an added bonus.
I didn't know I was gonna be getting that today.
I got a text message this morning from Steve.
He said, "All right, Karl? "I was worried that you would not be able to understand the spirituality "so I've asked a local saint to take you to his ashram for the night "for some one-to-one discussions on the nature of life "and higher levels of consciousness.
" Apparently I'm gonna meet one of his disciples, a feller called Dav Ram.
Hiya.
Are you Dav Ram? America.
- Dav Ram? - America.
- What? Are you Dav Ram? - Yes, I am.
- What do you mean, America? - I thought you said where did I come from.
- Yes, my name is Dave Ram.
- Dav Ram.
OK, brilliant.
We're gonna meet, really, one of the great saints of India.
Swamiji has reached the height of spiritual development.
Just being in the presence of a master of that caliber elevates one's awareness.
- Will he keep asking me if I'm feeling that? - No.
- No? - No.
I'm trying to think of times in my life where I felt a bit different.
Right.
And I remember, it was years ago, I nearly choked to death Hm.
on an ice pop.
- Hm.
My mum had to give me Do you know the thing where you squeeze round the waist and cough it up? - Right, uh-huh.
- And I got my breath back.
And after that, I felt quite, er alive.
OK, well, take that experience, magnify it manifold, and let it be uninterrupted.
Hey, how are you, Swamiji? That's good.
I've been better.
I'd say mind.
Hm.
Anyway, next thing I know, Swamiji says, "I want to take you across the Ganges in a boat.
" Cos he wanted to cleanse my soul.
I've never had it cleansed before.
Here you are, look, it's having a dump.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
I'm not dipping there.
No chance.
Not a chance.
You all right, swami? Oh, shitting hell.
Hang on.
Hello? I'm just on the Ganges at the moment.
I'm just on a rubber dinghy with a 77-year-old man.
So, it's not a great I'm sat on the front here of a rubber dinghy.
Can I call you back? I'll see you later.
Ta-ra.
Good time to call, wasn't it? Innit it wrong, though? For me to get in there.
It doesn't mean anything to me, does it? It doesn't count, surely.
He said, "Do you want to go in the Ganges?" I didn't know.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I And he left it at that, which I thought was quite good.
He didn't force it on me, to go any further.
And then, um he started stripping off so I had to.
This is madness.
Come on, eh? Right.
And I said, "Well, if you go in, I'll go in", and he did.
So I had to.
Oh! Bloody hell! And I thought that was it, and then suddenly, no, it's dunk your head.
Yeah, right.
You know, not once, either.
You have to do it three times, three dunks.
You don't do that with a ginger nut and a cup of tea.
That's a two dunk.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
Fine! Fine, fine, fine.
So, do that, he's happy.
He was saying, "Oh, look what it's done to you.
You look full of life.
" And it did wake me up a bit, but it is like minus five.
Back for a cup of tea? - Have you got some biscuits? I love a biscuit.
- Yeah, yeah.
I feel like I can take a biscuit off you now.
I did that for you, that.
It's funny, isn't it? It's funny how things change.
I said I wouldn't get in there.
I don't feel like I'm round some sort of special power, but he seems like a nice bloke and that's all you want really.
Nice bloke, makes you feel welcome in his gaff, he's fed us, he's let me have a bed, messed about in his rubber dinghy.
You know, if that's what spirituality's about.
I mean, that's just being mates, really.
That's basic, isn't it? It's just about getting on with people.
He's a transformed man.
Look at this guy! Very hairy.
See you in the morning.
Thank you again.
I don't know why Steve sent me to look at a cow.
We've got them at home.
Anyway, soon as I got in there, they had me on cow worship duty.
I'm giving it a center parting.
- Cow dung cake? - Cake.
- Is that fresh? - Yeah, this fresh.
Anyway, these cow dung cakes, you know, it's a type of fuel.
You know, it shouldn't really have the word "cake" in it.
Oh, it is as well, isn't it? I thought it might have just been mud but it is proper cow shit.
And I was worried about the local thing about, you know, using your hand when you've been to the toilet.
I'm getting neck high in cow shit.
- My God.
I never thought I'd be doing that.
I've been ill twice already, so this isn't gonna help the situation, is it? I thought I was on the way to the Taj Mahal today.
They said, "Oh, let's stop over here.
" No problem.
I'll see some cows.
What can go wrong? And then like just as I'm leaving, you know, they drag me into some sort of souvenir shop.
- Soap? - Yeah.
- Cow dung juice? - Yeah.
No one I know has ever been rushing around going into Body Shops saying, "You haven't got any cow shit soap, have you?" It's not needed.
It's so not necessary in life.
Right, toothpaste but powder.
And what what's this made from? You can still like the cow without going that far with the with the shit and the piss.
Went over my arm then.
Oh, God! It was just like old man piss.
Sort of when your grandad's been and hasn't flushed.
You drink that? - It cures baldness? - Yeah.
I come all the way to India.
Sticking cow shit on my head.
If I said, "Get stuff out of a chicken and rub it over your head," they'd go, "Don't be stupid.
" But because it's a cow and it's this sort of religious animal, it's just, "Yeah, drink it direct.
Get the tail up.
" It's just too much.
I think it's It annoyed me a bit.
I've still got bits under my nails.
No, it's starting to do my head in again.
Just, you know, even when I went out traveling today.
Normally I like traveling around, sat in a car, looking out of the window, but it's not it's not a nice thing to do in India.
Honestly, I just want to go home.
Oh, Jesus.
It stinks.
My eyes are burning.
All right? There's the hotel.
- This is the hotel? - Yeah, this is the hotel.
- This one? - Ha, thik hai.
This is very mahanga.
This hotel's got a honeymoon suite.
Pilkington, honeymoon suite.
Good, isn't it? It's good.
Honeymoon suite? This isn't a honeymoon suite.
Who'd have a honeymoon here? What's that? What's the cupboard for? Oh, right.
It's sort of an en-suite shed, which is, er quite handy.
Oh, God, it stinks.
Fuck me, what a shit hole! Sandpaper.
What's this one? A dartboard? Hm.
I thought that was gonna be the fridge to the room.
Turps.
Paintbrushes.
Good.
That's what you want on your honeymoon.
Every time you have a smell of Ronseal.
"Oh, that takes me back to our special night.
" I can't see the Taj.
He he said you look straight out there.
That's what you can see, that.
It's madness, that.
A dead body staying in summat half decent like that and I'm in here.
I hate it, honestly.
L-I really hate it here.
Fuck this.
I'm not staying here.
I can't be arsed with this.
Karl, where you going? Karl? Karl? Karl, where you going, mate? Fucking hell, I'm just I'm not staying in that room.
What's it about? I don't think anyone knew it was quite as bad.
I mean, your room's not that bad compared to ours.
It stinks of shit.
What d'you mean, it's not that bad? It fucking stinks.
It's just that I've been here for like ages.
I'm knackered.
I haven't slept.
It's another noisy road.
I've been ill.
D'you know what I mean? It's not your fault.
- All right.
- It's not your fault.
I bet many a bloke's spent a night in here on their own, even though it's a honeymoon suite.
I bet the woman says, "That's it, it's over.
"If this is where you bring me for my wedding night, forget it.
" It's six in the morning.
I've been awake all night, throwing up.
It's still coming out the other end.
I'm not feeling my best, to be honest.
So, it's your first proper glimpse of the Taj Mahal, Karl.
How does it feel? It's all right, isn't it? It's not bad.
It took 20 years to build.
He built it for his dead wife.
I just think it was a case of keeping himself busy.
They say that, don't they, when someone dies, it's a loss in your life so give yourself a little project to do.
It's quite a big project, though, isn't it? Yeah.
I mean, did he treat her well when she was knocking around? Well, she was one of four wives.
Know what I mean? One of four wives.
"No, I had three other wives.
I shouldn't have done that, really.
"Best stick her in something nice now she's dead.
" It's too late, it's too late, mate.
Don't come crawling back once she's dead.
- Remish, hiya.
I'm Karl.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
- Welcome to the Taj Mahal.
- Thank you very much.
When you look the Taj Mahal from the next arch, like a Taj Mahal in a frame, beautiful like the postcard view.
Yeah.
It works well, that, doesn't it? Nicely fits in, doesn't it? Yes, your dream come true.
You're front of this beautiful building, majestic.
- Is this part of your tour? - Yeah.
There you can see a beautiful reflection view of Taj Mahal.
Like a, "Buy one, get one free".
- Buy one, get one free? - Good offer.
- Next step? - So, you can see the Princess Diana chair.
When was in 1992 she came here, she took the pose from here.
It's daft how the tourists all love the Princess Diana chair.
Queuing up to sit down on a chair that Princess Diana sat on.
Load of nonsense.
This is a sausage factory.
Sit down, look miserable.
Duh-zhoosh! Nect.
Yes, hands on the knees.
That's the style.
Very nice.
- Was that good? - You have a photogenic face.
Taj Mahal's beautiful, you're more handsome.
- Have you got any feelings coming up? - Er stomach's better now.
It's fine.
I meant more of an emotional nature, being here.
Erm how can you have an emotional feeling here? There's like 40 people stood around.
Princess Diana had it closed off, didn't she? She could sit here and think about stuff.
But compared to out there, this is peaceful.
And I think that's why Diana came here, that's why she looked fed up.
She probably had the shits for two days.
Sick of the racket, crap hotel.
She's like, "God, when am I going home?" Nothing to do with her marriage break-up.
It's India.
The main white structure, four sides symmetrical.
- Look from all side, same view.
- Oh, right.
So by the center line, Taj Mahal divide like a mirror image.
Half this side, half other side.
- It is, isn't it, exactly? - Yes, sir.
I find it odd, to be honest.
He's built it for a dead person.
Yet he was doing all of that symmetrical stuff.
It's like, "Hang on a minute.
" It's almost like having a gravestone with a Sudoku on it.
What is it? Is it a place to remember someone and have a special moment? Or is it a place to go and have a puzzle? Have you ever done that thing where you have a mirror - Yeah.
and you go like that in the mirror? - And it looks like both sides are going up? - That's right.
- It's the same same idea, isn't it? - Same idea.
This is the best way to see it, for me, this.
It's not the best river I've ever been down.
I think I've just seen a fish with three heads.
But I just like the peacefulness.
All right? Yeah, I've just been to see the Taj.
Yeah, it's all right, you know.
I was pretty impressed.
I hate it.
I stayed at that place that had an en-suite shed.
Did he stay there? And this is like the final view of it, isnât it, before I go home? All right, mate? How's it going? It's been interesting, Steve.
I've learned a lot.
I've seen a lot, I've done a lot.
I've shat a lot.
I mean, just over there, they cremate bodies over there.
So, you're never that far away from a bit of weirdness in India, even here.
Probably on the telly you're going, "That looks lovely, wildlife going on there, "the sun going down, the Taj Mahal.
"Hang on, what's that? There's a load of dead bodies at the back.
" Definitely not.
This has been the only building in India that has a bit of normality to it.
So, maybe that's why it's a wonder.
Yeah, I can't see anything matching this one, to be honest.
Pretty serious for me, that, innit? Caption by extreme, correct by dr.
jackson
Christ the Redeemer.
The Taj Mahal.
The Great Pyramids.
Truly man's greatest achievements.
But there's one man who sees them differently.
Like a pylon.
Karl Pilkington.
I don't know the politically correct term.
Moron, I think.
He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like Manc moron.
Buffoon.
Idiot.
Is that normal? And he's a friend.
He's a typical little Englander and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.
Bollocks are squashed.
I just think that it'd be amazing to send him round the world.
What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world.
I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.
I want him to hate it.
I want him to hate every minute of it, for my own amusement.
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick.
I am that stick, and now I have the might of Sky behind me.
Oh, shit.
Shit! This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done, and it's gonna be great.
Just let me go home.
Jesus Christ! This you must be excited about seeing, surely? This, truly, without question, is one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
- The extraordinary Taj Mahal.
Yeah? - Yeah.
Built in the 17th century.
It took them 22 years to construct it.
That's not good, is it? If that happened now, you'd go, "What they doing?" It's the 17th century, a man who builds a mausoleum for his dead wife, so heartbroken is he.
Guilty.
He obviously did something bad when she was alive.
That's like giving someone flowers.
I've never had to do that.
I've never felt guilty.
- You never thought, "Give her some flowers"? - No, she'd be like, "What's been going on?" If I built her that, she'd be going, "What's been going on?" Why did he feel he had to do that? Cos he loved her so much.
It was a shrine to her memory.
Yeah.
Just a little elephant going down the street.
I can't imagine them being that good as a way of getting about.
To me, that's like how people moan in London about people having four-by-fours.
You don't need an animal of that size to get about.
It's way too big.
Getting ill is my biggest worry about being here.
I hate being ill.
You know, Suzanne isn't around.
I'm on my own.
If I get ill, I'll just have to mope about on my own.
It's definitely the poorest place I've ever been to, you know, without a doubt, and I I don't know if I'll be able to get used to that.
Fucking runaway horse! It's doing my head in, this.
I'm meant to be meeting a local fella who rides one of these rickshaws for a living.
Um Ricky and Steve thought it'd be a good idea, for some reason.
I can't work out what the reason is, though.
This is madness.
It's like standing in the middle of a motorway.
I mean, what a place to meet a fella who's got a rickshaw! My eyes have never been so busy.
There's always something there going, "Look at me!" And then, as you turn that way, you see something over there.
So, you're like that.
By the end of today my neck will be well and truly worn out, cos it doesn't normally move that fast.
There's layers of madness.
And what is that? Where where is he taking that? You can't say he's taking it to the tip, cos there's shit everywhere.
They just overload the bike so much that you just kind of think, "Get a van.
" Can you see any distinguishing features in this fella's rickshaw? - Aashiq? - Yeah, yeah.
Are you? OK.
It's a bit of a mad place to sit and have a discussion.
Yeah, yeah.
Oncoming tragic.
Oh.
Ah, what the fucking hell's going on? I've got this bus up my arse here.
Oh! There's no way of getting around.
Oh! Going through someone's cricket game.
How long have I been here? I haven't even been here a full day yet.
I thought the day was gonna end and I'd at least have a good night's kip.
That's not gonna happen now.
Aashiq's just invited me to stay with him.
He lives in the back of a shop.
- You've got a shop.
You live in it as well.
- Yeah.
- The rickshaw? - Yeah.
Hiya.
It's hot in here.
Erm I'll just sit down here, if that's all right.
- So, how would you sleep here? - Yeah.
- What, just flat out there? - Yeah.
Tonight, how many will be sleeping here? Can you understand why this is a little bit of a shock to me? When I found out that he ran a shop from where he lived, I kind of thought he'd be you know, how you see chippies, and they've got a living room in the back and when you walk in, the bell goes and they run out from watching Emmerdale Farm, and you say, "I'll have cod and chips.
" That's what I was expecting, not sort of a I mean, what is this? It isn't a living space, is it? - What's it lacking? - What's it lacking? There isn't even a toilet, actually.
That's only just hit me.
I was worrying about having to use a traditional toilet.
There isn't one, so that's that worry gone.
But then What what do I do? - OK? - So, we're not staying here tonight? No, no, no.
What makes you think I would be happier in this other place? Have they got a toilet? - Yeah.
- Let's go, then.
- Yeah, let's go.
- Good, you've sold it to me.
This is more like it.
This will do.
Toilet, brilliant.
Well, how do you go? I don't understand the Go, go, go.
Turn, turn.
- Hang on.
I'm just getting my balance.
- Take the Yeah.
No paper? L-I don't think I'll be able to go like this.
My body's just not used to this.
I know, but do you understand how difficult it is for me? - I've come from London.
- Yeah.
Less than 24 hours ago, I was sat in one.
Newspaper.
Quite happy.
Not even 24 hours ago.
Now you're saying, "Come in here, give it that, you'll be all right.
" It's not as easy as that for me.
My insides won't won't allow it to happen.
It can't possibly be better.
- Splash back.
I don't want to get into detail.
- No, no, no.
Well, you'll see tomorrow, cos I am getting first dibs on this and you'll see if it's better and you'll go, "Good God, who's been in here?" Let's see how good it is.
You're laughing cos you know I'm right.
Right, hopefully I won't need to go.
I didn't sleep well last night, did I? I'm still shattered from yesterday.
I mean, that was a mental first day.
It doesn't look like it's gonna end.
Aashiq's just given me some pijamas to wear.
He said, "Oh, you'll be needing these for your next surprise.
" I don't know what it is.
You know, I mean surprises are meant to be nice things, aren't they? What's up, Karl? Just got a text from Steve.
"Hi, Karl.
India is not all poverty and urban chaos, mate.
" Well, he obviously hasn't been here, cos it is.
So, straightaway that's annoyed me.
"Time to get your arse up north, "for some exposure to the spiritual side of India, "the biggest religious festival on the planet, only 20 million pilgrims expected.
" He knows I hate crowds.
"Just one hurdle, to get there, it's an eight-hour overnight bus ride.
" Excuse me, what's all this? Why are they covered in - jesus.
- Yes, yes, yes, Holy Day! I want to go to the bus station now.
Bus station.
You know, the big bus, big - Mm.
- Toot, toot! I don't know what's going on.
Just everybody just looks like they're painter and decorators.
Everyone is just caked in colours.
Happy Holy! I just hope we don't stop at any more tragic lights cos every time we stop, someone slaps my face with a load of colour.
Er the bus is coming up.
Buses.
Is this the bus station? Bus station? I'm trying to get a bus.
- You come with me.
- Buses down here, yeah? Your family? - They they love you.
- Happy Holy.
Happy Holy! What's what are we doing here? - Happy Holy.
Happy Holy.
- Happy Holy.
I mean, normally if I'm messing about with paint, I'm quite a tidy worker.
This wouldn't happen.
But I didn't have the time to not do it, did I? He said, "Come and meet my family.
" I'm like, "All right, then.
" Next thing you know I mean, it is paintball, basically, without the safety.
There was no goggles involved.
It was just, "Doof!" It was good that Aashiq was concerned about my clothing, and he gave me summat to wear today.
He could have told me about the shoes, you know.
I mean, that's all very well telling me, like, to worry about a T-shirt that was 12 quid from Topman.
I've got 70-quid trainers on.
He didn't tell me to take them off.
So, um they're knackered.
Yesterday I thought I'd got used to it.
I thought, "Right, I'll be OK tomorrow.
" Just when you think, "Right, I know what India means, I know what it's all about," this happens.
Anyway, where's this bus stop? I'm not well, honestly, I feel really sick.
I've got a fever.
I can't tell if I'm sort of got a bad fever, cos, you know, I can't tell what colour I am with all the with all the dye.
But, um What's that? Er I don't care any more.
I just sort of feel like if I'm gonna shit myself, I will.
Cos I just feel that sort of ill.
That's never been used.
Is that it? Is that the Oh, there's a queue here.
- I'm just He's helping me out.
- Not here.
Yeah? Is that all right? Sorry.
Just a quick one.
Is there a ticket to Haridwar? They're kicking off.
I knew that would happen.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
I'm happy I mean, at the end of the day, are these all for the same bus? You know, I don't want to be sat on a bus for eight hours with some people who, you know, are pissed off with me.
Oh, excuse me.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
I tell you what, it doesn't matter how amazing that Taj Mahal is, it's not worth all this.
I haven't even seen it yet but I'm telling you that now, and that isn't good, going with that attitude.
Alan Whicker, he did all his travel shows years ago.
A smart fella with a suit on.
Never saw him covered in shit.
Never saw him knackered, whinging, moaning.
People will be watching it going, "What's wrong with you? It's India.
What do you expect?" You're not here.
Received 4:58pm.
Um yeah.
I don't know anything about the festival, other than what Steve told me about it being a massive religious thing and it's by a famous river, you know, the Ganges, which I've heard of.
But other than that, I don't know why I'm going, and on top of all that, Ricky's told me that I'm staying at a place called Lahore House.
- Sounds good, doesn't it? - Your tent is ready.
- Tent? - Yes.
A tent, brilliant.
I haven't slept.
I'm being put in a tent.
You see? - This is all right, isn't it? - Yes.
- Bathroom.
- This is well smart.
I wasn't expecting this.
Brilliant.
Bit of a stretch there for the toilet paper, if I'm being picky, that distance.
But I tell you what, I am really chugged.
Yeah, I've been camping.
I've done tents before.
But nothing like this.
I've got a normal toilet, which is handy cos of the way I've been feeling.
Nice comfy bed.
View of that, you know, famous river.
Can't ask for more.
A lot of people say, "I'm going to India to find myself.
" Look at the colour of that.
But what happens if I change and I go home and I'm all different? Suzanne's gonna go, "What's happened to you", and then she doesn't like the new me.
And then I'll start to hate myself because I'm not the person who I thought I was.
I know who I am.
Bloody hell.
I'm getting bills for Karl Pilkington left, right and center, so I hope I'm him.
Cos if I'm not, I'm paying for someone else.
There's nowt wrong with this, is there? All this space here.
Honestly, I'm happy.
I can stay here now for the rest of the time here.
If I'm listening to him doing that, isn't that me getting involved? Isn't that enough? I'm just saying let's have a few days here.
That's the Ganges.
I'll look at that.
Isnât that a big part of India? Let's focus on that for a bit.
It's not very interesting telly to just stay here all day, though, Karl.
I don't know why Steve wants me to go to a religious festival.
He knows I'm not into it.
The only things that's making me sort of interested a little bit is the bloke who's had his arm in the air for 12 years and the elephant Baba.
Other than that, I don't know what's down there for me.
All right, mate? Er Well, I've had better holidays.
All this spiritual stuff you keep harping on about, it's not me.
Why do you think I'm interested in But that's like going to a brothel and saying, "I'm just gonna stand over here and watch.
" Either you get involved or you shouldn't be there.
Yeah.
Yeah, and tonight I had some sort of new pudding that I've never had before, carrots with sort of milk and sugar on it.
I enjoyed it.
I'd have it again.
I don't know if I'll find it in London.
In HD? This is a bit weird, isn't it? Are these the Baba people? I mean, they're meant to have special powers, aren't they? But look at 'em.
I mean, I thought they'd be sort of more religious-looking, all prim and proper.
This one hasn't even got pants on.
We are now in the area which is all different Baba's.
Welcome.
You should take his lesson.
First Baba, he reminded me of Bill Oddie.
His feet are backwards.
- Holy yoga.
- Yoga.
- Big power.
- Big power.
Even though he's meant to be this mystical sort of man, different life and everything, I'm just looking at him thinking, "I haven't seen The Goodies for ages.
" And then the other Baba looked like jim Morrison.
There he was, stark bollock naked, shades on.
He was concerned about hurting his eyes in the sun but wasn't worried about, you know, sunburning his arse cheeks.
He is showing you some new postures so he'll - He's showing a lot.
- Yeah.
- If you want to see more, you'll have to pay.
- I don't want to see more.
I didn't know where to look.
Tell him that's enough.
Sticking his legs around the back of his head.
I got a right eyeful.
OK.
Can I try? I just wondered how bendy my legs are.
That's all I'm taking off.
Phwarr! I just heard something crack.
Right, are you ready? Hang on.
Hey.
Aah! Aah.
I can't.
Hey! Dollar! - A dollar? - Very good.
Here you are, here's that Baba out the paper.
So, could he explain the the reason why he's decided to do this? He has chosen this as a part of his way of communicating and his way of reaching to the gods.
That-that to me is It's ridiculous.
Most of the time, my left hand is only helping out the right hand.
It's if I'm washing up, I'll pass it something.
That's it or it just holds something whilst this one does all the work.
I understand that one arm is better than the other, but I'd never say, "Oh, but I don't need it, right?" Has has anybody ever took it further and done both? Both arms? There are others also who do it with one leg up, both hands up, both the legs up so they'll never stand on their feet.
That's no existence, is it? We all dedicate our lives to something, don't we? Been with Suzanne for 16 years.
That's dedication for you.
And I've got my two arms to do things for her.
Is he married? How does he help around the house? "Albert, windows need cleaning.
" "Oh, you'll have to do 'em.
" - You know.
It's just a great excuse, isn't it? Yeah, it was better than I thought it was, you know, quite interesting, and I'm going back tomorrow to see the elephant Baba.
He's got a head like an elephant.
That should be good.
I'm gonna go down to the Kumbh Mela festival again.
Which is weird, cos I didn't want to go initially.
But I found it quite interesting.
And the translator's called and he's told me that he's found the elephant Baba.
- Yeah, I can see him.
Yeah, I can see him.
- You can.
- Here we take off our shoes.
- Shoes off.
Money down there.
Oh.
- How is he feeling today? Is he well? - OK, good.
- OK.
- Mm.
He doesn't mind he doesn't mind me looking at all? This is fine? Yeah.
Does he have any sort of health issues with him? Does he struggle doing anything? He's quite healthy.
He does his yoga every day.
Could you get him to explain what effect it has had on living here and looking like this? The main god for them is Ganesh, the elephant god, and so they consider him to be kind of an incarnation of Lord Ganesh.
It was how I thought it would be, you know, meeting elephant Baba.
He seems quite happy.
You know, he's doing what he can do with the way he's been born.
It was his mate that surprised me more.
Whips his, er walking stick out.
Oh, God.
I don't I don't understand what What does that show? He can he can do it just because he does yoga every day.
I've never heard of that sort of yoga.
Ooh! What was that? There was a crack.
When you're doing that every day, you need the walking stick.
It's handy, that, it's a two-in-one tool in a way.
But I don't understand this need here to let everyone know what you believe in.
Vandalizing his own sort of knob and bollocks.
Yeah, that was an added bonus.
I didn't know I was gonna be getting that today.
I got a text message this morning from Steve.
He said, "All right, Karl? "I was worried that you would not be able to understand the spirituality "so I've asked a local saint to take you to his ashram for the night "for some one-to-one discussions on the nature of life "and higher levels of consciousness.
" Apparently I'm gonna meet one of his disciples, a feller called Dav Ram.
Hiya.
Are you Dav Ram? America.
- Dav Ram? - America.
- What? Are you Dav Ram? - Yes, I am.
- What do you mean, America? - I thought you said where did I come from.
- Yes, my name is Dave Ram.
- Dav Ram.
OK, brilliant.
We're gonna meet, really, one of the great saints of India.
Swamiji has reached the height of spiritual development.
Just being in the presence of a master of that caliber elevates one's awareness.
- Will he keep asking me if I'm feeling that? - No.
- No? - No.
I'm trying to think of times in my life where I felt a bit different.
Right.
And I remember, it was years ago, I nearly choked to death Hm.
on an ice pop.
- Hm.
My mum had to give me Do you know the thing where you squeeze round the waist and cough it up? - Right, uh-huh.
- And I got my breath back.
And after that, I felt quite, er alive.
OK, well, take that experience, magnify it manifold, and let it be uninterrupted.
Hey, how are you, Swamiji? That's good.
I've been better.
I'd say mind.
Hm.
Anyway, next thing I know, Swamiji says, "I want to take you across the Ganges in a boat.
" Cos he wanted to cleanse my soul.
I've never had it cleansed before.
Here you are, look, it's having a dump.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
I'm not dipping there.
No chance.
Not a chance.
You all right, swami? Oh, shitting hell.
Hang on.
Hello? I'm just on the Ganges at the moment.
I'm just on a rubber dinghy with a 77-year-old man.
So, it's not a great I'm sat on the front here of a rubber dinghy.
Can I call you back? I'll see you later.
Ta-ra.
Good time to call, wasn't it? Innit it wrong, though? For me to get in there.
It doesn't mean anything to me, does it? It doesn't count, surely.
He said, "Do you want to go in the Ganges?" I didn't know.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I And he left it at that, which I thought was quite good.
He didn't force it on me, to go any further.
And then, um he started stripping off so I had to.
This is madness.
Come on, eh? Right.
And I said, "Well, if you go in, I'll go in", and he did.
So I had to.
Oh! Bloody hell! And I thought that was it, and then suddenly, no, it's dunk your head.
Yeah, right.
You know, not once, either.
You have to do it three times, three dunks.
You don't do that with a ginger nut and a cup of tea.
That's a two dunk.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
Fine! Fine, fine, fine.
So, do that, he's happy.
He was saying, "Oh, look what it's done to you.
You look full of life.
" And it did wake me up a bit, but it is like minus five.
Back for a cup of tea? - Have you got some biscuits? I love a biscuit.
- Yeah, yeah.
I feel like I can take a biscuit off you now.
I did that for you, that.
It's funny, isn't it? It's funny how things change.
I said I wouldn't get in there.
I don't feel like I'm round some sort of special power, but he seems like a nice bloke and that's all you want really.
Nice bloke, makes you feel welcome in his gaff, he's fed us, he's let me have a bed, messed about in his rubber dinghy.
You know, if that's what spirituality's about.
I mean, that's just being mates, really.
That's basic, isn't it? It's just about getting on with people.
He's a transformed man.
Look at this guy! Very hairy.
See you in the morning.
Thank you again.
I don't know why Steve sent me to look at a cow.
We've got them at home.
Anyway, soon as I got in there, they had me on cow worship duty.
I'm giving it a center parting.
- Cow dung cake? - Cake.
- Is that fresh? - Yeah, this fresh.
Anyway, these cow dung cakes, you know, it's a type of fuel.
You know, it shouldn't really have the word "cake" in it.
Oh, it is as well, isn't it? I thought it might have just been mud but it is proper cow shit.
And I was worried about the local thing about, you know, using your hand when you've been to the toilet.
I'm getting neck high in cow shit.
- My God.
I never thought I'd be doing that.
I've been ill twice already, so this isn't gonna help the situation, is it? I thought I was on the way to the Taj Mahal today.
They said, "Oh, let's stop over here.
" No problem.
I'll see some cows.
What can go wrong? And then like just as I'm leaving, you know, they drag me into some sort of souvenir shop.
- Soap? - Yeah.
- Cow dung juice? - Yeah.
No one I know has ever been rushing around going into Body Shops saying, "You haven't got any cow shit soap, have you?" It's not needed.
It's so not necessary in life.
Right, toothpaste but powder.
And what what's this made from? You can still like the cow without going that far with the with the shit and the piss.
Went over my arm then.
Oh, God! It was just like old man piss.
Sort of when your grandad's been and hasn't flushed.
You drink that? - It cures baldness? - Yeah.
I come all the way to India.
Sticking cow shit on my head.
If I said, "Get stuff out of a chicken and rub it over your head," they'd go, "Don't be stupid.
" But because it's a cow and it's this sort of religious animal, it's just, "Yeah, drink it direct.
Get the tail up.
" It's just too much.
I think it's It annoyed me a bit.
I've still got bits under my nails.
No, it's starting to do my head in again.
Just, you know, even when I went out traveling today.
Normally I like traveling around, sat in a car, looking out of the window, but it's not it's not a nice thing to do in India.
Honestly, I just want to go home.
Oh, Jesus.
It stinks.
My eyes are burning.
All right? There's the hotel.
- This is the hotel? - Yeah, this is the hotel.
- This one? - Ha, thik hai.
This is very mahanga.
This hotel's got a honeymoon suite.
Pilkington, honeymoon suite.
Good, isn't it? It's good.
Honeymoon suite? This isn't a honeymoon suite.
Who'd have a honeymoon here? What's that? What's the cupboard for? Oh, right.
It's sort of an en-suite shed, which is, er quite handy.
Oh, God, it stinks.
Fuck me, what a shit hole! Sandpaper.
What's this one? A dartboard? Hm.
I thought that was gonna be the fridge to the room.
Turps.
Paintbrushes.
Good.
That's what you want on your honeymoon.
Every time you have a smell of Ronseal.
"Oh, that takes me back to our special night.
" I can't see the Taj.
He he said you look straight out there.
That's what you can see, that.
It's madness, that.
A dead body staying in summat half decent like that and I'm in here.
I hate it, honestly.
L-I really hate it here.
Fuck this.
I'm not staying here.
I can't be arsed with this.
Karl, where you going? Karl? Karl? Karl, where you going, mate? Fucking hell, I'm just I'm not staying in that room.
What's it about? I don't think anyone knew it was quite as bad.
I mean, your room's not that bad compared to ours.
It stinks of shit.
What d'you mean, it's not that bad? It fucking stinks.
It's just that I've been here for like ages.
I'm knackered.
I haven't slept.
It's another noisy road.
I've been ill.
D'you know what I mean? It's not your fault.
- All right.
- It's not your fault.
I bet many a bloke's spent a night in here on their own, even though it's a honeymoon suite.
I bet the woman says, "That's it, it's over.
"If this is where you bring me for my wedding night, forget it.
" It's six in the morning.
I've been awake all night, throwing up.
It's still coming out the other end.
I'm not feeling my best, to be honest.
So, it's your first proper glimpse of the Taj Mahal, Karl.
How does it feel? It's all right, isn't it? It's not bad.
It took 20 years to build.
He built it for his dead wife.
I just think it was a case of keeping himself busy.
They say that, don't they, when someone dies, it's a loss in your life so give yourself a little project to do.
It's quite a big project, though, isn't it? Yeah.
I mean, did he treat her well when she was knocking around? Well, she was one of four wives.
Know what I mean? One of four wives.
"No, I had three other wives.
I shouldn't have done that, really.
"Best stick her in something nice now she's dead.
" It's too late, it's too late, mate.
Don't come crawling back once she's dead.
- Remish, hiya.
I'm Karl.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
- Welcome to the Taj Mahal.
- Thank you very much.
When you look the Taj Mahal from the next arch, like a Taj Mahal in a frame, beautiful like the postcard view.
Yeah.
It works well, that, doesn't it? Nicely fits in, doesn't it? Yes, your dream come true.
You're front of this beautiful building, majestic.
- Is this part of your tour? - Yeah.
There you can see a beautiful reflection view of Taj Mahal.
Like a, "Buy one, get one free".
- Buy one, get one free? - Good offer.
- Next step? - So, you can see the Princess Diana chair.
When was in 1992 she came here, she took the pose from here.
It's daft how the tourists all love the Princess Diana chair.
Queuing up to sit down on a chair that Princess Diana sat on.
Load of nonsense.
This is a sausage factory.
Sit down, look miserable.
Duh-zhoosh! Nect.
Yes, hands on the knees.
That's the style.
Very nice.
- Was that good? - You have a photogenic face.
Taj Mahal's beautiful, you're more handsome.
- Have you got any feelings coming up? - Er stomach's better now.
It's fine.
I meant more of an emotional nature, being here.
Erm how can you have an emotional feeling here? There's like 40 people stood around.
Princess Diana had it closed off, didn't she? She could sit here and think about stuff.
But compared to out there, this is peaceful.
And I think that's why Diana came here, that's why she looked fed up.
She probably had the shits for two days.
Sick of the racket, crap hotel.
She's like, "God, when am I going home?" Nothing to do with her marriage break-up.
It's India.
The main white structure, four sides symmetrical.
- Look from all side, same view.
- Oh, right.
So by the center line, Taj Mahal divide like a mirror image.
Half this side, half other side.
- It is, isn't it, exactly? - Yes, sir.
I find it odd, to be honest.
He's built it for a dead person.
Yet he was doing all of that symmetrical stuff.
It's like, "Hang on a minute.
" It's almost like having a gravestone with a Sudoku on it.
What is it? Is it a place to remember someone and have a special moment? Or is it a place to go and have a puzzle? Have you ever done that thing where you have a mirror - Yeah.
and you go like that in the mirror? - And it looks like both sides are going up? - That's right.
- It's the same same idea, isn't it? - Same idea.
This is the best way to see it, for me, this.
It's not the best river I've ever been down.
I think I've just seen a fish with three heads.
But I just like the peacefulness.
All right? Yeah, I've just been to see the Taj.
Yeah, it's all right, you know.
I was pretty impressed.
I hate it.
I stayed at that place that had an en-suite shed.
Did he stay there? And this is like the final view of it, isnât it, before I go home? All right, mate? How's it going? It's been interesting, Steve.
I've learned a lot.
I've seen a lot, I've done a lot.
I've shat a lot.
I mean, just over there, they cremate bodies over there.
So, you're never that far away from a bit of weirdness in India, even here.
Probably on the telly you're going, "That looks lovely, wildlife going on there, "the sun going down, the Taj Mahal.
"Hang on, what's that? There's a load of dead bodies at the back.
" Definitely not.
This has been the only building in India that has a bit of normality to it.
So, maybe that's why it's a wonder.
Yeah, I can't see anything matching this one, to be honest.
Pretty serious for me, that, innit? Caption by extreme, correct by dr.
jackson