And Just Like That... (2021) s01e07 Episode Script
Sex and the Widow
1
Actual tear stains on the page.
I went through two boxes of tissues, goddamn you.
I'm sorry about that, but I am relieved.
Your message was so cryptic, I was afraid you hated it.
I loved it! I had to tell you in person, so you could see this.
I wanna fast-track it for the Christmas season.
Oh my gosh.
Oh, that's great.
- I just have one note.
- Okay.
This whole thing is so raw and honest, and, let's face it, brutal.
I mean, you spend your whole career writing about your quest for love, and then, you finally find it and then he dies.
It's pretty dark.
It's a real departure for you as a writer.
Well that's what happened He departed.
But, you're known for writing "Sex and the City.
" I'm afraid if we publish this as is, your readers are gonna pitch themselves out the window clutching their tubs of Häagen-Dazs.
Oh, well, that is certainly not what I want.
No.
I would love, and I think this is very doable, if you could give the reader some element of hope.
Just a suggestion of a brighter future.
I mean, for example I imagine, at some point, you're gonna start dating again, right? Um, I I, I mean, I'm not even thinking about that yet.
I hear you but if there's a tiny part of you that's open to the idea of even just one date it would be great if it could happen in the next few weeks.
I would love to hit that stocking stuffer deadline.
Uh, you want me to go on a date? Ooh, just to be clear, I am just talking about a toe dip into the dating pool.
One guy.
It doesn't have to be a whole chapter.
It could just be an epilogue.
A single page, half a page.
Just lookin' for that glimmer of hope.
Okay.
I'm here, I'm here.
Sorry.
Sorry I'm late, but I have good news.
Carrie agreed to be an auction item at the school benefit.
- Sorry, it took so long.
- No, that's great.
I'm sorry if I was being pushy about it.
The benefit committee's just all over me to get more flashy auction items.
Oh, and remember, for this match, the redhead is deadly at the net.
Right, and the other one has that killer serve.
I could barely return it last time.
Let's go! Come on! - Oh, we can beat these bitches.
- Oh, we can, and we will.
- Good one! - Push it! Charlotte! Kill it! Nice! Let's go! Yeah! Crush it! Yes! It's yours! Good one.
Yeah! I don't understand where you are.
I'm exactly where I said I would be.
No! That's the bad vegetable stand where the guy's mean.
I'm at the good place, farthest from our house with the squash opposite end.
Steve, can you hear me? Just find me, okay?! Hi, um, what are the green ones called? Miranda Hobbes, you are failing heirloom tomatoes.
- Oh my god! Hi! - Hi! Ha, ha.
Okay, I never wanted you two to meet, but here we are, so, Miranda Hobbes, this is my husband, - Andre Rashad.
- Hey.
- Andre, this is Miranda.
- Hey, nice to meet the woman - that beat up Chucky in the subway.
- Oh.
Yeah, I hear things.
It's my greatest accomplishment.
I, I am still having nightmares, though.
Hey, should I run over to the cheese woman? I want to stay ahead of a dangerous cheese shortage.
He's not tryin' to impress you.
He really is this cute.
Be right back.
Oh, my God.
That kiss.
If you two were a TV show, I would be streaming you.
Oh, well, it would be a drama 'cause I got my period this morning.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear.
Yeah, we're still, you know, off the IVF, but trying, and I was almost two weeks late.
- Mm.
- I shouldn't have told him.
I mean, the man is good at a lot of things, but cautious optimism is not one of them.
I am dreading telling him, Miranda.
I am so done with all of this.
Hey This place is bullshit.
Why do they keep movin' everything around? Oh, Steve, Steve, this is, uh, Nya, my professor.
- Hey.
- I have been dying to meet you.
You are the only person I know who intimidates her.
I think we intimidate each other, actually.
Ah, my wallet! Shit! You know, y-you got me so freakin' distracted when you're yellin' at me about the squash guy, I left my, I left my wallet over where the pickle guy who used to be over in that corner.
I, I gotta, I gotta go get it.
Um, really nice to meet you, Professor, all right? - Oh, sorry.
- No worries.
So, that's my Steve.
- Here comes my guy, so would you - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Got the last of the Bloomsday.
- Ooh.
- There we go.
- See? Hi.
Oh, Amanda? Mm, Carrie.
Shit.
- Sorry to drop in, um, unannounced.
- No, no, no.
I love it.
You just caught me with a milk mustache.
I mean, what am I? Five? This is my fourth cappuccino today.
I think I've lost track.
Come sit with me while I vibrate.
Oh, do you want one? They're free.
Oh, no.
I'm, I'm good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So what's up? Well, um, I, I got the book cover proposals that you sent over, and now, I'm worried.
Oh my God.
I thought the covers were stunning, especially number two and number five.
So spare and arresting.
Just takes my breath away.
But, maybe, the book is too heavy.
You know, I mean, even you said that my readers don't want all that sadness from me.
Maybe, I just Maybe, I just needed to write the book for myself.
I respectfully disagree.
In fact, when I pitched the idea of the epilogue to Oprah's Book Club people, they got very excited, and said they were definitely interested.
- Oprah? Really? - Mmm-hmm.
So, I guess I'm goin' on a date.
I've been waiting for you to be ready.
We had this whole wave of divorces at school this year, and I know three adorable dads who'll be fighting over you.
Well, I'm not exactly ready.
It was mandated by my editor and Oprah.
- Really? - Seriously? Well, when Oprah mandates a man date, - what're you gonna do? - Date a man.
- Yeah.
- And I thought about it, and I figured if I can lighten my hair, I can lighten my book, right? Yes.
Oh, and they're all gonna be at the benefit, so you can meet them there.
No one anyone knows.
You know, I'd rather, I'd rather go the anonymous route, since this is, basically, a stunt, you know, to give my, my readers a glimmer of hope.
Is there an app that knocks you out while they post your photos, fill out those questionnaires, and, oh my God, I'm gonna be sick.
It's already done.
I listed you on three different sites.
I narrowed it down to one.
I don't want to waste your time.
- When? - Valentine's Day on my lunch break.
Nobody buys real estate in the winter, so I decided to list you.
You staged me, like an apartment? You're doing very well.
There's a lot of buzz.
- Am I? - Yeah check it out.
- Let me see, let me see.
- Yeah, let's see! Oh my.
I'll date the dog.
Well, he's objectively handsome.
To who? Why is he chewing his glasses? In my experience, glasses chewers are good in bed.
Doesn't he look like he would be? All right, no sex for me, indefinitely.
All I need out of this is pleasant enough conversation, so I can be a stocking stuffer.
So, no sex for you ever? Well, honestly, the thought of never having it again feels really strange, but the thought of having sex with anyone other than Big just makes me - sick to my stomach.
- Yeah, makes sense.
But maybe I've had my share of all that.
You know, when I look back at my dating life, it was such a roller coaster, and I'm talking one of those old, wooden ones where it's more life-threatening than fun.
Oh, I would kill to get back on the roller coaster.
I've been riding the monorail for too long.
I was hoping things were better with Steve, 'cause you hadn't said anything.
No.
As I've always said, "No news is no news.
" Speaking of, what's the lifespan of an unanswered text? Three days, three weeks, three months? Three months? Try three hours.
- Che, huh? - Yeah.
They never ask about me at the podcast, do they? You know, Che's been back and forth to L.
A.
a few times, and you listen to the podcast.
- They ride all the rides.
- So guess I'll have to file that away as a crazy one-off, and resign myself to having a dead sex life.
I can't believe that I had the most transcendent sex of my life and it'll never happen again.
Well I know how you feel.
But Big is, actually, dead.
Maybe your sex life with Steve is - just in a deep coma? - Mm.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey! You havin' a little midnight toast? - I felt like a nosh.
- Oh.
So, I ran into Herbert Wexley on the subway today.
Since when does Herbert Wexley ride the subway? My guess is he thinks it'll boost his street cred - if he ever runs for mayor.
- Oh! Anyway, we bonded over our wives' mutual tennis addiction.
Oh, that reminds me.
We're actually playing again tomorrow morning.
You know I'm not half bad at tennis.
Herbert said he played in high school.
Uh-huh.
How come you never ask the boys to join for some mixed doubles? - Never occurred to me.
- Is it occurring to you now? Harry would you like to play some doubles with us? I would love that.
Uh, Cubana House has a table at 6:30.
- Are we feeling Cuban tonight? - SÃ.
- Why is this guy on my tail? - Car play activated.
Text from Miranda: "So sorry you're not pregnant, and I hope it went well when you told AR.
" - Shit! - Wait Just, Nya.
- Just stop.
Just drive.
- "You two seem like a really - "strong, happy couple.
" - It's too late.
- It's too late.
I heard it.
- "Heart emoji.
" - "Heart emoji.
Miranda.
" - Sorry.
I was gonna tell you I got my period.
And you, you told one of your students before you told me? - Well, not exactly.
It was - Red light, red light! Oh! My God! - Sorry, are you okay? - No, I'm not okay.
You want to tell me why I'm learnin' this news from Stephen Hawking instead of my own wife? Excuse me? Yes, hello.
You might wanna watch where you're going! - I'm really sorry.
- It's a red light! I mean, open your eyes! It's a crosswalk! - Sir, she said she was sorry.
- I have a toddler! Okay, sir, you need to check yourself.
You need to check yourself! Is he seriously comin' for me? I have a toddler! I have a toddler! He has a toddler.
Look, I'm, I'm really, really sorry.
"Sorry that I learned about it from a robot," or, "Sorry this isn't happenin'?" Both.
We're comin' to get you guys.
Look out! Yeah, that's what you think! Nice shot! - Got this one.
- Nice shot.
Good one, babe.
- Uh! - Nice, baby.
No! Babe, you gotta go for the ball.
I told you, don't hold back.
I could say the same to you.
You know what they call this part of the court, don't ya? - Divorce Alley.
- Whatever.
This is match point.
Let's just stay loose.
We got this.
- Let's go, guys.
- Here we go.
I got it! It's yours! Sorry.
Damn you! Woo! Woo! Oh, honey, are you okay? I'm okay, I'm okay.
Just an old Jewish guy tryin' to play sports.
That was thrilling! I'm so relieved.
It can be dicey to play with other couples 'cause you never know how it's gonna go, but I think we were really well matched.
Why are you so quiet, Harry? Well, don't you have somethin' you want to say to me? - Like what? - Maybe, "I'm sorry.
" - Sorry for what? - Ya knocked me over, babe.
- By accident.
- Yeah, but you never even said "sorry.
" It hurt my feelings.
Are you serious right now? - It's common courtesy.
- We were playing tennis.
And there's no rule against the word "sorry" in tennis.
I went for the ball, which you had literally just mansplained me to do.
- Wait, what now? - You heard me.
You can be a bit of a mansplainer, but I had let it go on the court because you're my partner, and you have to let the annoying stuff go if you wanna win.
And we did win, but I got knocked down in the process, and I'm just asking for a simple apology.
That's insane! - I'm not apologizing! - What's the big deal? It's two words! You're making it a big deal by bringing it up in the first place! I could argue that you're making it an even bigger deal by refusing to apologize.
Why is this so hard for you? Because I have nothing to apologize for.
We were playing a game.
What is wrong with you? Are you five years old now? No, I just feel like I'm owed an apology.
What is your goddamn problem?! I will not apologize for playing good tennis! You're driving me fucking crazy! Great now they think we're that couple.
What couple? The couple who fights in the street.
Goddammit.
If Frank bails on me one more time - I'm down to one busboy now.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
That sucks.
Yeah.
- Hey I have an idea.
- Just a sec.
Mm-hm.
Whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hey, ooh.
Hey.
- What's come over you? - I'm, I'm just in the mood.
It's been too long for me.
Okay, but it's not even 7:00.
Brady and Luisa might be comin' through that door.
Then hurry! Kiss my neck.
Come on, do it.
Finger me.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Hey.
Hang on.
I'm a little rusty.
Oh.
Is that right? Um well um, here, here.
Here try this.
- Huh? - Here.
Mm.
You're a little Yeah.
You want me to go get some lube? Uh no.
I mean, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
You, uh, you want me to put the lid on this, and put it in the fridge, huh? - Sure.
- They smell.
Yeah, I, I guess I should finish loading.
Are you sure? You really had me goin' there for a minute? Uh-huh.
Let's, Let's just have dessert.
Hi, I'm Carrie.
- Peter.
It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah, likewise.
So I have to admit, um this is my first date since my wife died.
Really? Yeah, me too.
Oh.
Okay.
How did your husband die, if you don't mind me asking? No, um he had a heart attack.
- And your wife? - Cancer, uh, ovarian.
God.
I think we're gonna need some drinks.
Yes.
I can't.
I can't.
I don't Oh my God! Oh.
Oh my God, I'm sorry.
Ugh.
Arbor School parents, we all know why we're here this evening, right? We are here to raise money, and I want to see all of those arms raised when my lovely, lovely co-host, Lisa, tells you about the next item that we have up for auction.
Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition.
- Speak, speak into the microphone.
- Oh, sorry.
I'm not an entertainer.
Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition.
Sweetheart, speak into the microphone, or they won't hear you.
Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition.
For up to five people! Apologies to my readers.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
- Just vomit.
- That's awful! You're the one that started this whole dating again.
- Me? It was Oprah.
- Just take the hit.
I once shit myself on a date.
- What? I'm empathizing.
- I appreciate it, but unless you shit yourself on a date after your husband died, I win "worst night ever.
" Congratulations.
I can't find the Stephen Colbert taping that Lily made us swear we'd win for her in the silent auction.
That was for Rock, and I already bid on it.
Lily wants the vintage sneaker thing.
You guys, I have to go help Harry, sorry.
What? Did you hear what you just said just then? - What? - "Sorry.
" You said "sorry.
" How did you shit yourself on a date? Oh, good.
We're back here.
Seventh grade.
My parents made me take Connie Delucca out for ice cream.
Ten minutes in, my shorts were filled with chocolate chocolate chip.
- My body knew.
- Yeah I still win.
Followed by dessert at Serendipity.
Yes so And we're gonna start the bidding at $500, which could cover a single piece of cake there.
Uh The point is, it just It rolled off your tongue, you know, no big deal, no drama, so, you know, why can't it just roll off your tongue to me? Because it can't.
Oh, look! Here are the sneakers.
You have said it 12 times since we left the house tonight.
- You've been counting? - I'm a man on a mission.
And the last time was just a minute ago to a lady in the lobby who bumped into you.
Exactly.
Women apologize to the whole world all day long for everything.
Tennis is the one place that I don't have to do that.
So, as Demi Lovato would say "Sorry not sorry.
" Do they have any couples counseling sessions anyone can bid on anywhere here? I'm just gonna go back in, and tell Amanda I didn't find that glimmer of hope.
Guess my book's dead, too.
Darn.
My sad book keeps getting sadder.
Speaking of dead things I tried to revive my sex life with Steve the other day.
I, I really tried hard, and I'm afraid the patient is non-responsive.
- So no pulse? - No pulse at all.
It was like two dead people trying to get it on, like zombie sex.
And you're sure you guys wouldn't consider going back to a therapist? We tried twice.
We don't need a therapist.
We need the cast of "The Walking Dead.
" Listen, before we get to all of that, we have a special treat that we know you're going to enjoy.
Someone you'll be grateful to hear is not the two of us.
Yes, you can see - this amazing performer - Use the mic.
I beg of you.
In their Netflix comedy special "Check the Box," - put your hands together for Che Diaz! - Che Diaz! Hi! Yes, aw! Uh, you know what? I'll just take hers.
She's not using it.
Hey! Woo! How we all doin' tonight? Yeah, you know, this auction's taking longer than I did to come out.
It's wild.
So, listen, I usually do about a 40-minute set, but don't worry, they've asked me to keep it clean, so I should be done here in about three minutes.
Yeah.
That's Che! Che's performing? Oh, yeah.
You know what, Charlotte roped me into participating, then I roped in Che, which, actually, wasn't that big Oh, okay, well.
The cheese stands alone.
Oh my God.
Well, I am not getting laid tonight.
Zero hotties here, except for the servers, and I have a strict no cater-waiter policy.
He's here.
- Who? - The teacher I went on a date with last night.
- Professor Puke? Where? - Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
He's, um, he's at the bar.
Wait, is that even him? It's hard to tell because I'm seeing more than the tops of his shoes.
You know what? Stand in front of me.
It's all right.
Thanks.
Have a good night.
Is he leaving? Oh, yeah, it's okay.
He's leaving, okay.
You know what? Can you follow him out, and then come back and tell me when you're sure he's out of the building and gone? You want me to off him, too? What am I, Mossad? - My husband died.
- You get one more of those.
Okay.
Go.
Fast.
We know we're not your core demo, but we love you.
- Aww.
- Yeah.
She turned me on to you.
I watched your special, like, I don't know, like, 10 times.
My husband's like, "Veronica, what's goin' on with you?" I did.
I read that piece on you in "Vulture" and got addicted.
- Ohh.
- Addicted.
But we're fans for life, like, for life.
Listen, I so appreciate this.
I see someone I know, - so I'm just, uh - Do your thing.
- We'll be here a while.
- Okay.
Okay! Fans for life! Hey, Rambo.
Were you just gonna leave without saying hello? Oh, hi.
No.
I, I mean, um you were, you were busy, and I, I was standing there for a while, and it, it looked like that was gonna take a while, so, I just, you know, I called an Uber.
Mmm.
Okay, okay.
So, how have you been? I've been fine, thank you.
And yourself? What's going on? Why are you, why're you being weird? Well, I don't know how to be You never wrote me back.
You wrote me? DM'd me back or whatever.
- Well, when did you DM me? - Like three months ago.
Three months? Miranda I-I've done a ton of weed.
I, I can't I can barely remember three hours ago.
Plus, I get a lot of DMs.
- I'm sure.
- Okay, no.
I meant there's so much volume.
I, I wasn't being a dick.
I just I, I seriously just didn't clock it, and I'm sorry.
You're busy.
I'm busy.
It's all good.
Did I just say, "It's all good?" You should've just DM'd me again.
Ask for what you want.
That's a turn-on.
I didn't know that.
I'll tell you what I want I wanna go someplace with you and take off all your clothes.
- Really? - Really.
Well, my Uber is here.
I have a 7:00 AM flight.
I have to go.
No, you can't go.
The auction's not finished.
You didn't tell me the drama club was doing three songs from "Dear Evan Hansen.
" - I love you so much.
- Yeah, 7:00 AM flight.
- You can finish this without me.
- Are you crazy?! I am awful! I can see it in people's eyes.
They're like, "Oh god, not her again.
" What do you care if other people think you're awful? How could you say that to me? - Say what? - That I'm awful.
- I didn't say that.
- Y Okay Mr.
Improv holdin' all the cards.
I'm out there humiliated, doing my best, and you're gonna stand here and say that I'm awful? No, no, no.
I said that people I didn't say that.
I said people, people said that you were awful, - but I didn't - Hi.
We-we-we're just lookin' for the restrooms.
- Hey! - Yeah.
Yeah! Sorry.
- No, no.
- I'm so sorry.
Uh, watch your step there.
Oh, great.
Now they think we're that couple.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Give it up for the Arbor School drama department, ladies and gentlemen.
I love you, baby.
How can I make it up to you? The Arbor School drama department, everyone! And sold! Item number 8248, a case of wine donated by a seventh-grade parent from wow, vineyard in Tuscany.
Enjoy your wine, all right! Carrie, you can't leave.
Your item hasn't even been auctioned off yet.
I'm sorry, but according to Gay Mata Hari, this is my window.
A date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw, huh? - It was lunch, a lunch date.
- That's That's what I told them.
I was only on the gathering committee, not on the program committee.
A date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw.
Starting bid, $500.
And sex writer? Like what-what-what? Like I write porn? Um, you know what? It-it's not a date.
It's a lunch date.
And she's not a sex writer.
She writes about relationships, - and the nuances that go - Okay, please stop.
Please, please stop.
Okay, thank you for that clarification, Charlotte, um Carrie Bradshaw Is that who? That's Carrie Bradshaw.
Ladies and gentlemen, Carrie Bradshaw.
Why don't you come on up here and help me out? - Lord knows I need it, right? - Oh, no, no, no.
You're doing just fine, just fine.
Oh, come on.
Come on, for the kids.
Hey, a round of applause for Carrie Bradshaw, everybody.
- Our friendship is now over.
- Come on, it's for the kids.
Hello.
- I'm good, Herbert.
How are you? - All right, starting bid Date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw, $500.
Anyone? - Can't! We're all married.
- Ah, that's true.
But it is a lunch date, not sex, right? Definitely not sex.
$500.
Oh, $450.
$450, yeah.
- There we go, $450.
- No, no, no, no.
We, we have a spill here.
We need a waiter.
- Okay - Do something! She's about to implode like the house at the end of "Poltergeist.
" $700! $700! Oh, dear.
- $700.
- $800! Well, now Charlotte's biddin' against herself.
Pump the brakes, babe.
Pump the brakes.
You know what? I bid a thousand.
I bid a thousand, and now, you can, uh - Okay, a thousand dollars.
- Yep.
Going once Going twice.
$1,050.
$1,050.
Once, twice, sold, $1,050.
Uh-oh.
He must've snuck back in when I was in the men's room getting a handjob from that cater-waiter.
Carrie.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Uh - Well, what are the odds? Wait, you're a, you're a math teacher.
You probably know.
Well, it definitely involves an X to the power of hangover.
Listen, uh, don't worry.
We-we don't actually have to go out again.
Yeah.
And I'm happy to cover your bid.
- Oh, no.
- You know, that was clearly charity for all parties.
No, no, no, no.
I wouldn't think of it.
I'm impressed you even remember the subject I teach.
Oh, uh, that's the extent, really.
Well, we should go out again.
We have so much to discuss.
Like, how did I get home? Did, did we even pay for those drinks? - Oh, we paid.
- Yes, yes we did.
Oh yeah, okay.
Let's do it.
- It's for the kids.
- For the kids, yes.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night, okay.
I've never felt anything so intense in my life.
I think I'm in love with you.
You're in love with you with me.
And the weed doesn't hurt.
No, no.
It's not just that.
True, I'm also very good at sex.
You are.
And just like that I found a glimmer of hope.
I went through two boxes of tissues, goddamn you.
I'm sorry about that, but I am relieved.
Your message was so cryptic, I was afraid you hated it.
I loved it! I had to tell you in person, so you could see this.
I wanna fast-track it for the Christmas season.
Oh my gosh.
Oh, that's great.
- I just have one note.
- Okay.
This whole thing is so raw and honest, and, let's face it, brutal.
I mean, you spend your whole career writing about your quest for love, and then, you finally find it and then he dies.
It's pretty dark.
It's a real departure for you as a writer.
Well that's what happened He departed.
But, you're known for writing "Sex and the City.
" I'm afraid if we publish this as is, your readers are gonna pitch themselves out the window clutching their tubs of Häagen-Dazs.
Oh, well, that is certainly not what I want.
No.
I would love, and I think this is very doable, if you could give the reader some element of hope.
Just a suggestion of a brighter future.
I mean, for example I imagine, at some point, you're gonna start dating again, right? Um, I I, I mean, I'm not even thinking about that yet.
I hear you but if there's a tiny part of you that's open to the idea of even just one date it would be great if it could happen in the next few weeks.
I would love to hit that stocking stuffer deadline.
Uh, you want me to go on a date? Ooh, just to be clear, I am just talking about a toe dip into the dating pool.
One guy.
It doesn't have to be a whole chapter.
It could just be an epilogue.
A single page, half a page.
Just lookin' for that glimmer of hope.
Okay.
I'm here, I'm here.
Sorry.
Sorry I'm late, but I have good news.
Carrie agreed to be an auction item at the school benefit.
- Sorry, it took so long.
- No, that's great.
I'm sorry if I was being pushy about it.
The benefit committee's just all over me to get more flashy auction items.
Oh, and remember, for this match, the redhead is deadly at the net.
Right, and the other one has that killer serve.
I could barely return it last time.
Let's go! Come on! - Oh, we can beat these bitches.
- Oh, we can, and we will.
- Good one! - Push it! Charlotte! Kill it! Nice! Let's go! Yeah! Crush it! Yes! It's yours! Good one.
Yeah! I don't understand where you are.
I'm exactly where I said I would be.
No! That's the bad vegetable stand where the guy's mean.
I'm at the good place, farthest from our house with the squash opposite end.
Steve, can you hear me? Just find me, okay?! Hi, um, what are the green ones called? Miranda Hobbes, you are failing heirloom tomatoes.
- Oh my god! Hi! - Hi! Ha, ha.
Okay, I never wanted you two to meet, but here we are, so, Miranda Hobbes, this is my husband, - Andre Rashad.
- Hey.
- Andre, this is Miranda.
- Hey, nice to meet the woman - that beat up Chucky in the subway.
- Oh.
Yeah, I hear things.
It's my greatest accomplishment.
I, I am still having nightmares, though.
Hey, should I run over to the cheese woman? I want to stay ahead of a dangerous cheese shortage.
He's not tryin' to impress you.
He really is this cute.
Be right back.
Oh, my God.
That kiss.
If you two were a TV show, I would be streaming you.
Oh, well, it would be a drama 'cause I got my period this morning.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear.
Yeah, we're still, you know, off the IVF, but trying, and I was almost two weeks late.
- Mm.
- I shouldn't have told him.
I mean, the man is good at a lot of things, but cautious optimism is not one of them.
I am dreading telling him, Miranda.
I am so done with all of this.
Hey This place is bullshit.
Why do they keep movin' everything around? Oh, Steve, Steve, this is, uh, Nya, my professor.
- Hey.
- I have been dying to meet you.
You are the only person I know who intimidates her.
I think we intimidate each other, actually.
Ah, my wallet! Shit! You know, y-you got me so freakin' distracted when you're yellin' at me about the squash guy, I left my, I left my wallet over where the pickle guy who used to be over in that corner.
I, I gotta, I gotta go get it.
Um, really nice to meet you, Professor, all right? - Oh, sorry.
- No worries.
So, that's my Steve.
- Here comes my guy, so would you - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Got the last of the Bloomsday.
- Ooh.
- There we go.
- See? Hi.
Oh, Amanda? Mm, Carrie.
Shit.
- Sorry to drop in, um, unannounced.
- No, no, no.
I love it.
You just caught me with a milk mustache.
I mean, what am I? Five? This is my fourth cappuccino today.
I think I've lost track.
Come sit with me while I vibrate.
Oh, do you want one? They're free.
Oh, no.
I'm, I'm good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So what's up? Well, um, I, I got the book cover proposals that you sent over, and now, I'm worried.
Oh my God.
I thought the covers were stunning, especially number two and number five.
So spare and arresting.
Just takes my breath away.
But, maybe, the book is too heavy.
You know, I mean, even you said that my readers don't want all that sadness from me.
Maybe, I just Maybe, I just needed to write the book for myself.
I respectfully disagree.
In fact, when I pitched the idea of the epilogue to Oprah's Book Club people, they got very excited, and said they were definitely interested.
- Oprah? Really? - Mmm-hmm.
So, I guess I'm goin' on a date.
I've been waiting for you to be ready.
We had this whole wave of divorces at school this year, and I know three adorable dads who'll be fighting over you.
Well, I'm not exactly ready.
It was mandated by my editor and Oprah.
- Really? - Seriously? Well, when Oprah mandates a man date, - what're you gonna do? - Date a man.
- Yeah.
- And I thought about it, and I figured if I can lighten my hair, I can lighten my book, right? Yes.
Oh, and they're all gonna be at the benefit, so you can meet them there.
No one anyone knows.
You know, I'd rather, I'd rather go the anonymous route, since this is, basically, a stunt, you know, to give my, my readers a glimmer of hope.
Is there an app that knocks you out while they post your photos, fill out those questionnaires, and, oh my God, I'm gonna be sick.
It's already done.
I listed you on three different sites.
I narrowed it down to one.
I don't want to waste your time.
- When? - Valentine's Day on my lunch break.
Nobody buys real estate in the winter, so I decided to list you.
You staged me, like an apartment? You're doing very well.
There's a lot of buzz.
- Am I? - Yeah check it out.
- Let me see, let me see.
- Yeah, let's see! Oh my.
I'll date the dog.
Well, he's objectively handsome.
To who? Why is he chewing his glasses? In my experience, glasses chewers are good in bed.
Doesn't he look like he would be? All right, no sex for me, indefinitely.
All I need out of this is pleasant enough conversation, so I can be a stocking stuffer.
So, no sex for you ever? Well, honestly, the thought of never having it again feels really strange, but the thought of having sex with anyone other than Big just makes me - sick to my stomach.
- Yeah, makes sense.
But maybe I've had my share of all that.
You know, when I look back at my dating life, it was such a roller coaster, and I'm talking one of those old, wooden ones where it's more life-threatening than fun.
Oh, I would kill to get back on the roller coaster.
I've been riding the monorail for too long.
I was hoping things were better with Steve, 'cause you hadn't said anything.
No.
As I've always said, "No news is no news.
" Speaking of, what's the lifespan of an unanswered text? Three days, three weeks, three months? Three months? Try three hours.
- Che, huh? - Yeah.
They never ask about me at the podcast, do they? You know, Che's been back and forth to L.
A.
a few times, and you listen to the podcast.
- They ride all the rides.
- So guess I'll have to file that away as a crazy one-off, and resign myself to having a dead sex life.
I can't believe that I had the most transcendent sex of my life and it'll never happen again.
Well I know how you feel.
But Big is, actually, dead.
Maybe your sex life with Steve is - just in a deep coma? - Mm.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey! You havin' a little midnight toast? - I felt like a nosh.
- Oh.
So, I ran into Herbert Wexley on the subway today.
Since when does Herbert Wexley ride the subway? My guess is he thinks it'll boost his street cred - if he ever runs for mayor.
- Oh! Anyway, we bonded over our wives' mutual tennis addiction.
Oh, that reminds me.
We're actually playing again tomorrow morning.
You know I'm not half bad at tennis.
Herbert said he played in high school.
Uh-huh.
How come you never ask the boys to join for some mixed doubles? - Never occurred to me.
- Is it occurring to you now? Harry would you like to play some doubles with us? I would love that.
Uh, Cubana House has a table at 6:30.
- Are we feeling Cuban tonight? - SÃ.
- Why is this guy on my tail? - Car play activated.
Text from Miranda: "So sorry you're not pregnant, and I hope it went well when you told AR.
" - Shit! - Wait Just, Nya.
- Just stop.
Just drive.
- "You two seem like a really - "strong, happy couple.
" - It's too late.
- It's too late.
I heard it.
- "Heart emoji.
" - "Heart emoji.
Miranda.
" - Sorry.
I was gonna tell you I got my period.
And you, you told one of your students before you told me? - Well, not exactly.
It was - Red light, red light! Oh! My God! - Sorry, are you okay? - No, I'm not okay.
You want to tell me why I'm learnin' this news from Stephen Hawking instead of my own wife? Excuse me? Yes, hello.
You might wanna watch where you're going! - I'm really sorry.
- It's a red light! I mean, open your eyes! It's a crosswalk! - Sir, she said she was sorry.
- I have a toddler! Okay, sir, you need to check yourself.
You need to check yourself! Is he seriously comin' for me? I have a toddler! I have a toddler! He has a toddler.
Look, I'm, I'm really, really sorry.
"Sorry that I learned about it from a robot," or, "Sorry this isn't happenin'?" Both.
We're comin' to get you guys.
Look out! Yeah, that's what you think! Nice shot! - Got this one.
- Nice shot.
Good one, babe.
- Uh! - Nice, baby.
No! Babe, you gotta go for the ball.
I told you, don't hold back.
I could say the same to you.
You know what they call this part of the court, don't ya? - Divorce Alley.
- Whatever.
This is match point.
Let's just stay loose.
We got this.
- Let's go, guys.
- Here we go.
I got it! It's yours! Sorry.
Damn you! Woo! Woo! Oh, honey, are you okay? I'm okay, I'm okay.
Just an old Jewish guy tryin' to play sports.
That was thrilling! I'm so relieved.
It can be dicey to play with other couples 'cause you never know how it's gonna go, but I think we were really well matched.
Why are you so quiet, Harry? Well, don't you have somethin' you want to say to me? - Like what? - Maybe, "I'm sorry.
" - Sorry for what? - Ya knocked me over, babe.
- By accident.
- Yeah, but you never even said "sorry.
" It hurt my feelings.
Are you serious right now? - It's common courtesy.
- We were playing tennis.
And there's no rule against the word "sorry" in tennis.
I went for the ball, which you had literally just mansplained me to do.
- Wait, what now? - You heard me.
You can be a bit of a mansplainer, but I had let it go on the court because you're my partner, and you have to let the annoying stuff go if you wanna win.
And we did win, but I got knocked down in the process, and I'm just asking for a simple apology.
That's insane! - I'm not apologizing! - What's the big deal? It's two words! You're making it a big deal by bringing it up in the first place! I could argue that you're making it an even bigger deal by refusing to apologize.
Why is this so hard for you? Because I have nothing to apologize for.
We were playing a game.
What is wrong with you? Are you five years old now? No, I just feel like I'm owed an apology.
What is your goddamn problem?! I will not apologize for playing good tennis! You're driving me fucking crazy! Great now they think we're that couple.
What couple? The couple who fights in the street.
Goddammit.
If Frank bails on me one more time - I'm down to one busboy now.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
That sucks.
Yeah.
- Hey I have an idea.
- Just a sec.
Mm-hm.
Whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hey, ooh.
Hey.
- What's come over you? - I'm, I'm just in the mood.
It's been too long for me.
Okay, but it's not even 7:00.
Brady and Luisa might be comin' through that door.
Then hurry! Kiss my neck.
Come on, do it.
Finger me.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Hey.
Hang on.
I'm a little rusty.
Oh.
Is that right? Um well um, here, here.
Here try this.
- Huh? - Here.
Mm.
You're a little Yeah.
You want me to go get some lube? Uh no.
I mean, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
You, uh, you want me to put the lid on this, and put it in the fridge, huh? - Sure.
- They smell.
Yeah, I, I guess I should finish loading.
Are you sure? You really had me goin' there for a minute? Uh-huh.
Let's, Let's just have dessert.
Hi, I'm Carrie.
- Peter.
It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah, likewise.
So I have to admit, um this is my first date since my wife died.
Really? Yeah, me too.
Oh.
Okay.
How did your husband die, if you don't mind me asking? No, um he had a heart attack.
- And your wife? - Cancer, uh, ovarian.
God.
I think we're gonna need some drinks.
Yes.
I can't.
I can't.
I don't Oh my God! Oh.
Oh my God, I'm sorry.
Ugh.
Arbor School parents, we all know why we're here this evening, right? We are here to raise money, and I want to see all of those arms raised when my lovely, lovely co-host, Lisa, tells you about the next item that we have up for auction.
Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition.
- Speak, speak into the microphone.
- Oh, sorry.
I'm not an entertainer.
Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition.
Sweetheart, speak into the microphone, or they won't hear you.
Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition.
For up to five people! Apologies to my readers.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
- Just vomit.
- That's awful! You're the one that started this whole dating again.
- Me? It was Oprah.
- Just take the hit.
I once shit myself on a date.
- What? I'm empathizing.
- I appreciate it, but unless you shit yourself on a date after your husband died, I win "worst night ever.
" Congratulations.
I can't find the Stephen Colbert taping that Lily made us swear we'd win for her in the silent auction.
That was for Rock, and I already bid on it.
Lily wants the vintage sneaker thing.
You guys, I have to go help Harry, sorry.
What? Did you hear what you just said just then? - What? - "Sorry.
" You said "sorry.
" How did you shit yourself on a date? Oh, good.
We're back here.
Seventh grade.
My parents made me take Connie Delucca out for ice cream.
Ten minutes in, my shorts were filled with chocolate chocolate chip.
- My body knew.
- Yeah I still win.
Followed by dessert at Serendipity.
Yes so And we're gonna start the bidding at $500, which could cover a single piece of cake there.
Uh The point is, it just It rolled off your tongue, you know, no big deal, no drama, so, you know, why can't it just roll off your tongue to me? Because it can't.
Oh, look! Here are the sneakers.
You have said it 12 times since we left the house tonight.
- You've been counting? - I'm a man on a mission.
And the last time was just a minute ago to a lady in the lobby who bumped into you.
Exactly.
Women apologize to the whole world all day long for everything.
Tennis is the one place that I don't have to do that.
So, as Demi Lovato would say "Sorry not sorry.
" Do they have any couples counseling sessions anyone can bid on anywhere here? I'm just gonna go back in, and tell Amanda I didn't find that glimmer of hope.
Guess my book's dead, too.
Darn.
My sad book keeps getting sadder.
Speaking of dead things I tried to revive my sex life with Steve the other day.
I, I really tried hard, and I'm afraid the patient is non-responsive.
- So no pulse? - No pulse at all.
It was like two dead people trying to get it on, like zombie sex.
And you're sure you guys wouldn't consider going back to a therapist? We tried twice.
We don't need a therapist.
We need the cast of "The Walking Dead.
" Listen, before we get to all of that, we have a special treat that we know you're going to enjoy.
Someone you'll be grateful to hear is not the two of us.
Yes, you can see - this amazing performer - Use the mic.
I beg of you.
In their Netflix comedy special "Check the Box," - put your hands together for Che Diaz! - Che Diaz! Hi! Yes, aw! Uh, you know what? I'll just take hers.
She's not using it.
Hey! Woo! How we all doin' tonight? Yeah, you know, this auction's taking longer than I did to come out.
It's wild.
So, listen, I usually do about a 40-minute set, but don't worry, they've asked me to keep it clean, so I should be done here in about three minutes.
Yeah.
That's Che! Che's performing? Oh, yeah.
You know what, Charlotte roped me into participating, then I roped in Che, which, actually, wasn't that big Oh, okay, well.
The cheese stands alone.
Oh my God.
Well, I am not getting laid tonight.
Zero hotties here, except for the servers, and I have a strict no cater-waiter policy.
He's here.
- Who? - The teacher I went on a date with last night.
- Professor Puke? Where? - Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
He's, um, he's at the bar.
Wait, is that even him? It's hard to tell because I'm seeing more than the tops of his shoes.
You know what? Stand in front of me.
It's all right.
Thanks.
Have a good night.
Is he leaving? Oh, yeah, it's okay.
He's leaving, okay.
You know what? Can you follow him out, and then come back and tell me when you're sure he's out of the building and gone? You want me to off him, too? What am I, Mossad? - My husband died.
- You get one more of those.
Okay.
Go.
Fast.
We know we're not your core demo, but we love you.
- Aww.
- Yeah.
She turned me on to you.
I watched your special, like, I don't know, like, 10 times.
My husband's like, "Veronica, what's goin' on with you?" I did.
I read that piece on you in "Vulture" and got addicted.
- Ohh.
- Addicted.
But we're fans for life, like, for life.
Listen, I so appreciate this.
I see someone I know, - so I'm just, uh - Do your thing.
- We'll be here a while.
- Okay.
Okay! Fans for life! Hey, Rambo.
Were you just gonna leave without saying hello? Oh, hi.
No.
I, I mean, um you were, you were busy, and I, I was standing there for a while, and it, it looked like that was gonna take a while, so, I just, you know, I called an Uber.
Mmm.
Okay, okay.
So, how have you been? I've been fine, thank you.
And yourself? What's going on? Why are you, why're you being weird? Well, I don't know how to be You never wrote me back.
You wrote me? DM'd me back or whatever.
- Well, when did you DM me? - Like three months ago.
Three months? Miranda I-I've done a ton of weed.
I, I can't I can barely remember three hours ago.
Plus, I get a lot of DMs.
- I'm sure.
- Okay, no.
I meant there's so much volume.
I, I wasn't being a dick.
I just I, I seriously just didn't clock it, and I'm sorry.
You're busy.
I'm busy.
It's all good.
Did I just say, "It's all good?" You should've just DM'd me again.
Ask for what you want.
That's a turn-on.
I didn't know that.
I'll tell you what I want I wanna go someplace with you and take off all your clothes.
- Really? - Really.
Well, my Uber is here.
I have a 7:00 AM flight.
I have to go.
No, you can't go.
The auction's not finished.
You didn't tell me the drama club was doing three songs from "Dear Evan Hansen.
" - I love you so much.
- Yeah, 7:00 AM flight.
- You can finish this without me.
- Are you crazy?! I am awful! I can see it in people's eyes.
They're like, "Oh god, not her again.
" What do you care if other people think you're awful? How could you say that to me? - Say what? - That I'm awful.
- I didn't say that.
- Y Okay Mr.
Improv holdin' all the cards.
I'm out there humiliated, doing my best, and you're gonna stand here and say that I'm awful? No, no, no.
I said that people I didn't say that.
I said people, people said that you were awful, - but I didn't - Hi.
We-we-we're just lookin' for the restrooms.
- Hey! - Yeah.
Yeah! Sorry.
- No, no.
- I'm so sorry.
Uh, watch your step there.
Oh, great.
Now they think we're that couple.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Give it up for the Arbor School drama department, ladies and gentlemen.
I love you, baby.
How can I make it up to you? The Arbor School drama department, everyone! And sold! Item number 8248, a case of wine donated by a seventh-grade parent from wow, vineyard in Tuscany.
Enjoy your wine, all right! Carrie, you can't leave.
Your item hasn't even been auctioned off yet.
I'm sorry, but according to Gay Mata Hari, this is my window.
A date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw, huh? - It was lunch, a lunch date.
- That's That's what I told them.
I was only on the gathering committee, not on the program committee.
A date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw.
Starting bid, $500.
And sex writer? Like what-what-what? Like I write porn? Um, you know what? It-it's not a date.
It's a lunch date.
And she's not a sex writer.
She writes about relationships, - and the nuances that go - Okay, please stop.
Please, please stop.
Okay, thank you for that clarification, Charlotte, um Carrie Bradshaw Is that who? That's Carrie Bradshaw.
Ladies and gentlemen, Carrie Bradshaw.
Why don't you come on up here and help me out? - Lord knows I need it, right? - Oh, no, no, no.
You're doing just fine, just fine.
Oh, come on.
Come on, for the kids.
Hey, a round of applause for Carrie Bradshaw, everybody.
- Our friendship is now over.
- Come on, it's for the kids.
Hello.
- I'm good, Herbert.
How are you? - All right, starting bid Date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw, $500.
Anyone? - Can't! We're all married.
- Ah, that's true.
But it is a lunch date, not sex, right? Definitely not sex.
$500.
Oh, $450.
$450, yeah.
- There we go, $450.
- No, no, no, no.
We, we have a spill here.
We need a waiter.
- Okay - Do something! She's about to implode like the house at the end of "Poltergeist.
" $700! $700! Oh, dear.
- $700.
- $800! Well, now Charlotte's biddin' against herself.
Pump the brakes, babe.
Pump the brakes.
You know what? I bid a thousand.
I bid a thousand, and now, you can, uh - Okay, a thousand dollars.
- Yep.
Going once Going twice.
$1,050.
$1,050.
Once, twice, sold, $1,050.
Uh-oh.
He must've snuck back in when I was in the men's room getting a handjob from that cater-waiter.
Carrie.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Uh - Well, what are the odds? Wait, you're a, you're a math teacher.
You probably know.
Well, it definitely involves an X to the power of hangover.
Listen, uh, don't worry.
We-we don't actually have to go out again.
Yeah.
And I'm happy to cover your bid.
- Oh, no.
- You know, that was clearly charity for all parties.
No, no, no, no.
I wouldn't think of it.
I'm impressed you even remember the subject I teach.
Oh, uh, that's the extent, really.
Well, we should go out again.
We have so much to discuss.
Like, how did I get home? Did, did we even pay for those drinks? - Oh, we paid.
- Yes, yes we did.
Oh yeah, okay.
Let's do it.
- It's for the kids.
- For the kids, yes.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night, okay.
I've never felt anything so intense in my life.
I think I'm in love with you.
You're in love with you with me.
And the weed doesn't hurt.
No, no.
It's not just that.
True, I'm also very good at sex.
You are.
And just like that I found a glimmer of hope.