And Just Like That... (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

CHE: If you're living your truth, then you're a part of the revolution.
You're a part of the evolution.
We know that visibility isn't justice.
But visibility can be the key that unlocks it all, y'all.
- Okay? I want to thank you all for living in your truth today, for saying, "Fuck this rain bullshit" [CHEERS.]
and being here for each other.
I mean, y'all are makin' me wet, okay? Ba-doop-boop-ba-doop.
And I wanna thank our LGBTQ+ allies.
CHE: Yes! I see you.
We see you.
- You okay, darling? - Oh, I'm sorry.
CHE: Live your truth.
You have nothing to hide.
That's right.
That's right.
Yeah! So, you know what? Hiding is, like, so five years ago.
Hiding isn't the key to anything.
Hiding, uh, hiding hiding takes away the bright light that you are.
- So, fuck that shade and shine! - [CHEERS.]
Yes, Queen! Give us that beat! Give us that beat! Yeah, woo, woo! - This shit is my jam - CHE: Come on, y'all! Yeah! Yes! Yes! This shit is my jam This shit is my jam This shit is my jam Oh, shit.
I gotta go.
Thank you.
Hey! I got us iced coffees.
Uh, yeah, I saw you leaving.
Are you wanted by the law or something? - No.
- What was that Looney Tunes exit? Yosemite Sam chasing you down or some shit? - No.
- Okay.
I saw my son, and I didn't want him to see me here with you.
He doesn't know about me? He doesn't know about me, or you, or, or me with you.
He doesn't know you're in an open marriage? You are in an open marriage, aren't you? I wasn't till you.
Are-are you fucking kidding me? I never said I was in an open marriage.
You never said you weren't.
I mean, you get out of my bed, and go home to a husband.
That's That's an open marriage.
We, we probably should've discussed this before now.
Y-Ya think? I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm on stage telling people not to hide as I watch you, the person I've been fucking for the last three weeks, pretty much nonstop skulking away.
I, I, I know, but our times together are so special, and I didn't want to bring up something, - something - Something like the truth? - No.
- Jesus Christ, Miranda.
Why did you even put yourself out there if you're not available? It's not fair to not bring this up until now.
You knew all this was new to me.
New to being queer is one thing, married and lying is another.
This all happened so fast.
I wasn't expecting you.
- Mm.
- I've been married for forever, and I, and I, and I didn't want to I mean, it's complicated.
No, I'm sure it is for you.
But it's not for me.
'Cause I can't let it be.
I'm very clear who I am.
I don't sneak around, I don't cheat, and I don't lie.
I'm a lot of things but I'm not a homewrecker.
- My home's wrecked already.
- Thank you for the coffee.
- Seriously? - Yeah, yeah.
I can't do this with you, no matter how much I want to.
Wait, no, no.
That's it? Yeah, it is until you figure out your life.
I - Che, can I get a selfie with you? - Hey! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
FAN: Thank you! We love you, thank you so much! [LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Enter at your own risk.
Oh my God.
It's like the Barneys warehouse sale.
Oh, you remember the Barneys warehouse sale? Remember it? I used to get my assistant to camp out on 17th Street so I'd be the first one in.
- That was quite a scene.
- Oh, don't I know it, sister.
I almost got into a knife fight with a woman - over a Bottega cashmere wrap coat.
- That was you? I bet you'd cut a bitch for some cashmere.
And you'd be right.
You asked me where I've been all week? This is where I've been, in my 20s, 30s, and 40s.
And that's just on that rack.
- CARRIE: Oh - Do you want to see something amazing? - Always.
I don't wanna brag but it is my pride and joy.
That's quite a build-up.
- I'm not worried.
- No.
- Yes.
- No! - Yes.
- What the fuck am I looking at? - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I've only worn her twice, once in Paris, and once here just for fun.
I sat at that window, and ate a whole thing of Jiffy Pop.
What're you gonna do with it now? I mean, besides leave it to me in your will.
Charlotte's daughter, Lily, has been here all week helping me archive everything, you know, for proper storage in exchange for some of my vintage pieces, which, sadly, were not vintage when I bought them.
Oh, no, you, you can't smoke in here.
But I feel like I just had sex.
I know, I'm sorry, but I, I smoked in here one night, and then, everything smelled like a cigarette, and I was right back there wanting to smoke morning, noon, and while I was sleeping.
I swear this is true.
I woke up one morning with a lit cigarette in my hand.
Exactly, so now, I allow myself one a day in a walk around the block with, like, three kerchiefs on my head, and Playtex kitchen gloves.
I just can't risk having that smell, you know, in my hair, and on my hand going, "Eew.
" - That's a good look.
- No, I'm sure I look insane, but I'll sit on the stoop with you if my new neighbor's not out there again.
And, um, we're in line, and then eventually he looks at me, and he's like, - "No" - Nope.
Girlfriend likes her some stoop.
She's so cool.
Always very, you know, one shoulder naked with a gorgeous rope jewelry, somethin' special around her neck.
Well, what the fuck does Ashley know? - She's fuckin' crazy.
- She's not crazy.
- You just don't know her.
- Mmm.
- The guy's sexy.
- They always are.
What I wanna know is how can she afford the good apartment under me at her age? - Russian hooker.
- Why would you say that? It's a common scenario in high-end real estate.
Didn't know that.
So, they bumped me up to first-class, and I was like, I don't care that we just landed, dude, I'm not gettin' off this plane.
"Air Marshal to first-class, we have a hostile hipster.
" Hipster? Hipster? Fuck you, dude.
What, no one has a name? - Everyone's just dude? - Yeah, that's right, dude.
- Okay.
Hello? Oh, hi, it's Carrie.
Sorry, did I wake you? Nah, yeah, I'm awake, I'm awake.
You sound like you're sleeping.
Nah, I'm just scared.
The only person to call my phone to talk is my grandma.
And she died, like, five years ago, so I have a very serious question, and you're the only person I know who would be up at 2:30.
Yeah, we just ate.
My girlfriend Smoke's on a design deadline and she's sewin' like a mutha.
Oh, wait a minute.
You have a girlfriend? And her name is Smoke? And she's a designer? Yeah, I have a whole life.
Well, I hope to meet her sometime.
Can do.
So what's the buzz? Is there like a cool way to ask my new neighbor to please stop making so much noise outside on the stoop? Do you own a licensed firearm? - No, I do not.
- Then, no.
Lay low.
The last building I lived in the lady yelled out the window for us to be quiet.
And from then on, we called her the Wicked Witch of the West Side.
She was only, like, 30.
Well, I I wasn't planning on yelling, but there's, like, a whole group now, and they're keeping me up.
Dude, just close your window.
I did that, but one girl has a laugh that defies any sound barrier.
- Oh, wait! - [MUFFLED LAUGHTER.]
- There, hold on.
- Did you hear it? - Yeah, I did.
You want me to come over with my gun? Jackie, you better not have a gun.
I don't.
It's just a bit! I'll bring you the gun tomorrow.
Okay, good night.
MAN: Exactly.
And I was like, "Yeah, I can move out.
I can move out as soon as you want.
How's never?!" You are so funny! Stop! Seriously? Stop! No, you stop! [ALL LAUGHING.]
Swear to God.
Swear to God.
She goes like, "What!" I'm like, if I gotta Come on! [CHATTER STOPS.]
- Sorry, ma'am.
- Jesus.
Hey thought you said you were going out for your run.
And I thought you said you were gonna start wearing this Oura ring today, and yet, it is still in the box.
I feel silly wearing a fitness ring, babe.
Well, maybe, you haven't noticed, but men your age are suddenly developing heart problems.
Is this about that baked brie I ordered last week? Yes.
And also, the Hershey Kisses that I found in the shoebox in the closet.
- Busted.
- Mm-hm.
So, I splurge once in a while.
What's the big deal? I'm at my fightin' weight, babe.
If you die on me, I will kill you.
Now, this is all synced up to your phone, ready to go, so put it on now.
Hm, well, if you want me to wear your ring, you see, then you gotta ask me properly.
I mean, this is a big commitment.
Harry - will you wear this ring? - I will.
- So romantic.
- Mm-hm.
- As long as you're down there - Yeah? You wanna, maybe, seal the deal? Do you think we have time? - Hmm, yeah, there's time.
LILY: Mom, where's the paper that you signed for Oh! Ow.
- Did she see us? - She definitely saw us.
Oh shit.
You slammed the door into my head.
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
But I was, I was checking your daddy's penis for cancer.
- What?! - I didn't want to worry you.
And it's fine.
It's, it's just a bump.
I, I didn't even break the skin.
Let's go get some ice.
Get you later.
Coming! Hope you're ready for some heavy lifting today, Lily! NEIGHBOR: It's your downstairs neighbor.
: Shit.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, um, sor I just I, I came to apologize for last night.
I mean, we lost total track of time partying, and being annoying, and having a little too much fun, so I'm sorry that we woke you.
Oh gosh, no.
I wasn't asleep.
No, no.
I stay up [SPUTTERS.]
- I stay up really late, too, yeah.
- Yeah.
No, I only yelled because, um because I was, I was, I was trying to write 'cause I'm a writer.
- I write books.
- W-Wow, that's so cool.
- Thank you.
- I, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry.
- It won't happen again.
- Thank you.
- It's only because I write.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Thank you.
: That! Unbelievable - [CHARLOTTE SIGHS.]
- All right.
- Now go.
- Sorry, I, I just didn't feel comfortable blurting this out in line at The Lobster Place.
Blurting what out? So, tonight, during our dessert ritual, I'm gonna ask Steve for a divorce.
Okay, I guess let's table my new neighbor for a different time.
I mean, I, I have to.
I, I can't sneak around anymore.
- It's not fair to Che or to Steve.
- Or to you.
MIRANDA: Charlotte? I guess you know what you're doing.
Oh okay.
No, really.
I'm not throwing shade.
Throwing shade? It's what my kids say.
No, I mean it, Miranda.
It's your life What do I know about how you should handle it? I cannot even handle my own life right now.
- Is this to do with Rock? - No, it's Lily.
She came into the bathroom this morning when I was on my knees about to blow Harry, and I freaked out.
Uh, back up.
Back the truck up.
- You still blow Harry? - Oh, is it his birthday? No, and yes, I still blow Harry.
Now, do you guys have that out of your system, - so that I can talk about my problem? - In a second.
- You still blow Harry? - [GASPS.]
Is he dying or something? No, but I panicked when Lily saw me holding his penis.
Way to put me off my king crab leg.
- So, I told her that I was checking it for cancer.
You still blow Harry? You guys, this is not funny to me.
I had this whole parenting philosophy where I wanted to normalize sex, so that my kids would never feel weird about it the way I did growing up.
And in one violent impulse, - I ruined everything.
- What violent impulse? Oh, I, I, I slammed the door and I hit Lily in the head.
Did I, did I not say that? Well, I did.
All 'cause I didn't want her to see me that way.
Just talk to Lily.
You know, reframe it.
Maybe, admit that you panicked because of the way you were brought up.
You know, it's an opportunity to get closer to her.
Reframe it Yeah.
Okay, I like it.
- Mm-hmm! - Okay, I'll do it.
I can invite her to lunch like two grown-ups.
- CARRIE: Yes.
- We can talk about it.
I mean, we talk about everything else.
Why shouldn't we be able to talk about The fact that you still blow Harry.
I knew you had another one in you.
Oh, bummer.
The soup place we loved is gone.
No, the soup place we love is here.
We just passed it.
Oh, well, I remember that used to be something else.
I remember when I was something else.
Oh look, it's me, the wicked witch of my brownstone.
You know what? I'm gonna bring my neighbors some brownies to apologize.
- Apologize for what? - For no longer being cool.
Okay, let's see Fat Witch Original, Fat Witch Walnut Oh, Blondie Witch.
Writes itself.
Hey, do you maybe want to bring Steve a fancy brownie for your dessert ritual tonight? You think a Caramel Witch brownie might help the situation go better? - Couldn't make it worse.
- How much is it? You're exploding his world.
Spend a couple bucks.
I'm not exploding his world.
I'm telling him something we both already know.
- Which is? - That we're dead in the water.
That there's no future for us as a couple, that I want out.
I'll spring for the brownies.
So are you going to tell him about Che? I don't think so.
I mean, even if Che hadn't come along, I think I'd probably have gotten to this place.
- And what place is that? - Where I'd rather be alone.
Are you sure? Because, um alone in theory is very different than alone in reality.
I want Che.
And this is something that I have to do or there's no Che.
So do you know how much Che wants you? [LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Yeah? - Ooh, sorry, sorry.
- Um, I have something for, um - Lisette's still asleep.
Oh, okay.
Well, would you give this to her? You could tell her it's from her upstairs neighbor.
The writer.
They're brownies.
- Well, actually, they're Blondies.
- Oh, we don't eat sugar.
Of course, you don't.
I'm sorry.
- You keep them.
- Oh, shit.
Sorry about that, ma'am.
Bad timing.
That Uber's takin' me to the airport.
I have a gig in Cleveland.
Uh, okay.
I just have a question.
Am I crazy? Am I making all this up? Us These, these feelings I have for you, these giant, giant feelings, I, I feel like you have them, too, but maybe you don't.
So am I crazy? - No, you're not crazy.
- Okay, good.
- I'm in love with you.
- Oh, wow! - Oh, okay then.
- No, it's not okay.
Not okay because of the circumstance.
Not okay for me.
No, I'm, I'm gonna change the circumstance.
I am! I love you, too.
I am so in love with you, and I want us to be together.
Miranda, look at me.
Look at me.
Listen to me.
Are you listening to me? I can't give you anything traditional.
- That is not who I am.
- That's fine! That is great! I, I, I don't want traditional.
I, I, I hate traditional.
Traditional got me here.
I am done with traditional.
I just want you, and me, and you and me.
I'm gonna take care of it.
Go to Cleveland.
- Ah, thank you.
- Bon appétit.
Sweetheart, put your phone down.
- The food's here.
- You were on your phone, too.
Yes, we are all on our phones too much.
So, look, let's take our phones, and put them in the center of the table, so we can chat.
- Chat about what? - Well I wanted to talk to you about me and Daddy the other morning.
I need to get a straw for my iced tea.
We'll just have the waiter bring it.
No, Mom.
I'm not gross.
But we're at a restaurant.
That's what they do.
What is this? - It's nothing.
- It's not nothing.
- Collin55 thinks it's "hawwwwt.
" - Mom, that's my phone.
Where did this account even come from? It's not your Insta! I follow your Insta! - Do you have a fake Instagram account? - It's private.
- You can't just go digging in my phone.
- I wasn't digging! It popped up here for the world to see.
- It's just workout wear.
- Sexy workout wear.
And what is this look in your eye? And who is Collin55, and is 55 his age? Forget it.
Wait Lily, where are you going? We don't walk away from each other in this family! Oh, wow.
I was never sure of this thing.
Not even when it was brand new.
Oh, it's your mom.
We had a fight.
She doesn't know I'm here.
I bet she does.
Your mom has pretty good Spidey-sense.
- Hello? - [ON PHONE.]
: Hi, is Lily there? Yes, she is.
Can I sleep over? I don't want to go home.
Did she just say she doesn't want to come home? CARRIE: Yes, she did.
Hey, you know, Lily, I'm gonna take this in the bathroom, okay? And then, you have to hear my side.
- Okay.
- Did you get it? Yes, and I can hear how upset you are but, sweetie, you went out to dinner with me in the '90s when I was wearing far less.
That was you, and this is Lily, and she is 15.
- And who is that pose for?! - Maybe for Lily.
You know, all week she's been here trying clothes on, and looking in the mirror, and I can see her wheels spinning.
She's trying to figure something out.
You know, who, who am I? Is this me? Is this? Well, I am surprised that she is this Lily.
I thought she was so innocent.
- It's workout wear.
- She doesn't even work out! Charlotte, it's just clothes.
So, what should I tell her about the sleepover? Well, as long as you don't mind.
I think it would be good for both of us.
I think it could be good for all three of us.
That is not cool.
She's not a hooker, or Russian.
She's a Californian, a super-chic, hip, successful jewelry designer.
Really? Is her stuff any good? CARRIE: Cooler than you can imagine.
I think Scarlett Johansson wore her on the red carpet last week.
Colin Jost is a real estate tease.
Just FYI.
Oh, and according to a piece in "Vulture," she moved to New York for its energy and inspiration.
- And to ruin your sleep.
- Mm nah, she's fine.
I'm gonna make friends with her and the whole situation.
I mean, who wants to be seen as the crazy neighbor, right? - SEEMA: I hear you.
- Oh, hi.
Well, I will, um, speak to you later.
Hi, I thought I heard you come in.
Oh, okay.
You're still mad at me.
I just think we need to talk.
It's just a stupid Instagram account, and I don't have anything else to say.
Well, I do.
So, let's sit down.
Okay You want to sit there, that's fine, fine.
Look I love that you feel comfortable in your body, and I am not trying to shame you.
I was just surprised that you were expressing that side of yourself already.
- I'm 15.
- Oh, I know, but when I was your age, we didn't feel comfortable expressing ourselves so freely, so I just can't help feeling protective.
Mom, that Insta it's only 13 of my friends, and Emily's little brother Collin.
Oh that does help a little.
So what I wanted to discuss with you the other day at lunch, though now, I realize I probably don't need to is what was happening with Daddy and me in, in the bathroom.
You know what we were doing, right? Do you have anything that you wanna ask me? A-Any questions? Did you find any cancer? No No, baby.
Oh, your father is fine! Hey.
Do you have your hearing aids in? One of them.
Well can you get the other? I want to talk to you about something.
Just talk into this one.
I'd rather not have to yell it.
Okay I think it's in the couch cushions.
- Ah! Here it is.
Ah Shoot.
What do you got? - Steve, I love you.
- Well, this ain't good.
It depends on how we handle it.
Oh, wait you're serious? I, I, I was just kidding.
I - Give me your hands.
- Nah - We never hold hands.
- Please.
Why? You wanna ask me for a divorce or somethin'? I'm not happy.
Holy shit, uh, I was just kidding again.
Are you serious? I, I can't do this anymore.
I'm not happy.
What? Okay, so what does that mean? You're not happy? This isn't enough for me.
- What isn't? Me? I'm not enough? - This is about me.
Except that you're, you're, you're talkin' about divorcin' me.
Can, can I have my hand back, please? - Are you happy? - I thought this wasn't about me.
- Are you happy? - What's happy? If you even have to ask the question.
Okay, yes, I'm happy.
Not happy right now, but what's the problem? I want more.
- More what? - More everything more connection, more energy, more sex, more me.
More, Steve, more.
- I get it.
You want more.
- And what about you? Do you want more? I mean, really? This is enough for you? This, like TV, and, and, and little dessert bowls, and sitting on this fucking sectional couch until we're old? We are old.
We're 55, Steve.
That's not old.
You want 30 more years of this? Is this really happening? Really? Are you askin' me for a divorce? This is really happening, really.
What? You and me, we've been together for a long time, and-and it's always like this.
You don't think that I'm enough, then I'm kind of enough, and then, I'm not enough again.
And I'm always there you know hangin' in there for us.
And, finally, in the last couple years, we come to a place where it's not so goddamn fuckin' up and down every day where it's kind of the same.
We get up and we go through our shit, and we come back here home, to each other.
We sit on the couch.
We talk about Brady, eat ice cream, and watch some TV.
That's married life, Miranda.
It's life.
I don't know if that's life.
Or the life that I want anymore, or or even ever.
Well I guess this is about you, 'cause I'm f-fine with this life.
In fact, I'm, I'm, I'm good with it, but if you're not you're not.
I'm too old to rally for us again.
I, I don't want to.
And I don't, I don't want you to.
Whatever whatever.
I want you to be happy.
But I don't know what else you think is out there.
I've met someone.
- Yello.
I told him.
Really? How'd it go? I said it all.
All of my feelings.
And I, I didn't blame him, and I didn't make him feel bad, and I, well, I, I said it.
It's done.
I even told him about Che.
How'd he take it? You know, he's, he's pretty shocked, but I guess the headline is he said he wants me to be happy.
Oh my God.
You can't believe how relieved I am, Carrie.
I-I'm in a cab on my way to the airport.
Wait, what? Where are you going? To Cleveland! I'm gonna surprise Che at their show, and tell them that we can be together.
Oh my God.
I'm in a rom-com, Carrie.
Okay, well, safe flight whoever this is.
C'mon, get dressed faster.
Get the fuck out! - SHANE: Chill out.
- LISETTE: You chill out.
- Get the fuck out of my apartment! - I'm goin'.
- Don't be such a psycho.
- I am not a psycho! You're a liar! You've slept with every girl in the city.
- Oh, you're exaggerating.
- Oh, okay, well, you've slept with every girl that I know in the city.
- Don't be such a fuckin' out-of-towner.
- Get out.
Get out now before I call the cops.
Good luck.
They don't come anymore.
I am so embarrassed.
I'm mortified that you had to see me like this.
Oh, it's fine.
Are you okay? I'm an asshole for ever going out with that guy.
Well, what are you gonna do? It's New York dating.
Thank you.
You're cool.
And just like that, I realized there are some things that should never be put into storage.

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