And Just Like That... (2021) s01e09 Episode Script

No Strings Attached

CHARLOTTE: I am so excited about your date with the teacher! - That is one great head of hair.
- Well, okay, yes, it is a great head of hair, but it is not a date.
It is a do-over between two people who got sick on one another.
Let's take the romance out of it.
I think you just did.
I should've gotten the baguette thing.
I should've ordered the soup.
So I have a favor to ask, and it involves manual labor, and you two coming to Brooklyn.
Well how can we say no? - Oh! - Oh, no, no.
I'm asking.
- How can we say no? - You can't.
We need a huge turnout on Saturday to finish painting the women's shelter I've been working on with Nya, and it would be so great if you guys would come help.
I'm there.
And I'll bring the kids.
I'm a really good painter.
- Carrie? - Oh, well when I was on stage crew in high school, they asked me, "Please stop painting," so I will happily write a check.
You can't be the white lady who just writes a check.
If I can paint, you can paint.
- You gotta change it up.
- CHARLOTTE: Speaking of change - Gotcha.
- Remember how I was still getting my period very regularly for years after you guys had stopped getting yours? It has been so long since we'd heard from smug Charlotte.
I was afraid she'd retired.
- Well I think I'm done.
- Mentioning it? No, done done.
I haven't gotten my period in four months, so I think I'm finally in menopause.
Welcome to the club.
Prepare to be sweaty.
CHARLOTTE: Actually, it's funny.
I haven't gotten any hot flashes, or breast tenderness, or brain fog, or any of those awful symptoms you guys had.
I'm not being smug.
- Hello? - It's Lisette, your downstairs neighbor.
What, like there's a Lisette from upstairs? - [LAUGHING.]
- Hi.
I'm sorry for the home invasion, but just real quick, um, I'm a jewelry designer, and I wanted to give you this.
I love a home invasion with what I'm assuming - is free jewelry.
- Yes.
Oh, it's pretty.
I would be so stoked if you wore this out, or, maybe, put it on your Insta? When Scarlett Johansson wore me, sales spiked, so.
God, I just made myself sick saying that.
I'm sorry.
It's what I have to do, or it's back to modeling, so.
Please lower your expectations on those sales spikes.
- You know, I'm just a lowly writer.
- No, hardly.
I'm obsessed with your podcast.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
- I guessed a size five.
- If you say so.
Oh, that's pretty.
What is that? Oh this is my wedding ring.
Oh, I didn't know you were married.
I mean, I've never seen him.
Is it, like, long-distance or something? Well, yes, very.
I dated a guy in Santa Fe once, and we could not make it work at all.
Well, is that it's, it's not long-distance.
He died.
I just haven't taken it off yet.
Oh I'm Again.
Practice your Torah portion again.
- It's only two weeks away.
- But I don't wanna have a Bat Mitzvah.
That's why you're having a "They Mitzvah.
" So, come on, again.
From the top.
- Saved by the bell.
Hey, Anthony, I only have a minute.
: I only have a minute, too.
Someone called in sick, so I'm the hot fella today, and if anyone has a problem with it, I'll see them in court.
I'm not done with you! Is it okay if I bring someone I just started seeing - to dinner Friday? - CHARLOTTE: Of course.
Is he appropriate for children? I think so.
I can't find his dick anywhere online.
- Okay.
- ANTHONY: Relax.
He's sexy, smart, always reading.
I think he's read everything that's ever been published.
: No! - What the hell? I have no idea.
I, I, I gotta go.
Go That bread is friggin' heavy.
I'm not paying these guys enough.
- LILY: Oh no, no way, no! - Okay, bye.
- Lily, what on earth?! - LILY: No, no, no! I just got my period, and my tracking app says that I'm gonna get it again on the 21st.
Lindsay's pool party in the Hamptons! - Okay.
- [YELLS.]
: Shit! Okay, let's just calm down.
Stop cursing.
I know you said you'd rather die than use a tampon.
Yes, I would rather die than use a tampon.
Well, these are your choices.
You could either learn to use a tampon, which I'm happy to help you do, - or skip the pool party.
- No! Gah! Shit! Shit, shit, shit.
- Rock, get back in here! - LILY: Dammit! - [DOOR SLAMS.]
- Oy.
- You look especially pretty tonight.
- Oh, thank you.
And you look especially whatever acceptable, non-polarizing gender-positive compliment - you feel comfortable with.
You are a lot of fun - even with your clothes on.
- Sorry to interrupt.
- She's makin' me do this.
- I'm so embarrassed.
- Okay, we're, like, your biggest fans, and we know you're eating right now, but but could we get a quick selfie with you? - Aw.
- Yeah? Sure.
No problem.
- I can take it if you want.
- Wait, are you famous, too? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm just the girlfriend.
- Thanks.
- FAN: Thank you.
- Oh, okay.
- Here we go! - [AWKWARD LAUGHTER.]
- MIRANDA: Cute.
Okay, here we go.
- Again? - O-Okay.
You really helped me through some dark times.
- Ah, there you go.
- Perfect.
Oh, and you hooked up with a friend of ours, Melvin.
- Melvin DeGayo? In Buffalo.
- Mmm.
FAN: And you slept with another friend of ours, Aubrey, in the Twin Cities.
She's Australian.
Okay, well, thank you.
- Thank you.
Have a good night.
- Thank you! - Thank you so much.
- CHE: Yeah.
- Bye.
- CHE: Take care.
Oh, careful.
So, where were we? - We were having fun.
- Ah, yes that.
Yay, us.
I can't remember the last time I waited in line.
You? - To get my vaccine.
- Oh, honey, I wish you knew me then.
I got mine before the President.
Well, listen, while we're waiting, can you take a picture of the ring my neighbor designed for me to post on Instagram? Sure, then you can take a picture of me waiting in line.
We'll send it to Ripley's Believe It or Not! I'm just doing this to save her from a life of high-fashion modeling.
Should I not be wearing my wedding ring anymore? I really have no idea.
See? No priors.
You know, technically I am no longer married, and I am going on that non-date tomorrow.
You know, is it a Is it appropriate? I guess what's appropriate is however you feel about it.
I have never had to bribe a doorman to get into a hot club until tonight.
Why are we putting ourselves through this? Let's just, let's just leave.
No, I really want to go dancing tonight.
- It's my birthday.
- What?! - Why didn't you tell me? - I'm not a birthday person.
I don't want all the fuss.
I just wanna go dancing tonight.
You are not bribing a doorman on your birthday.
Let me handle this.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We've all seen that scene in a movie where someone tries to talk their way into the cool club.
I've seen it, you've seen it.
We don't need to do that scene.
We're both grown-ups, but it's my friend's birthday, and all she wants is to go dancing, so could you please just let us in for a little while to dance? We won't stay long.
We're at capacity.
So, I guess we're doin' that scene.
That's really offensive.
Let's go.
- Was I just canceled by a doorman? - Mm-hm.
- Did you make a wish? - Yes.
It had to do with the doorman and erectile dysfunction.
I really thought 53 would be the year I meet my guy.
I told myself, "I'm 53.
That's not 54, which is so close to 55.
" - Careful.
- But I guess, instead of meeting my guy this last year I met an amazing new friend.
So here's to 53.
Best year ever.
To 54 and your new guy.
I'll take that.
Mm but whatever happens, I think I'm good.
If I were to look at my life like it were an apartment I were trying to sell, it'd be pretty damn lux.
Okay, yes.
I don't have everything on the wish list.
No wood-burning fireplace in the bedroom, but I have a killer floor plan, lots of closet space and a breathtaking view.
Your fireplace is out there.
I just know it.
That's your birthday gift to me.
Hey, are you doing anything on Saturday? A client offered me tickets to a matinee in the Public.
I can't.
I'm painting a house in Greenpoint for charity, and it's an all-day affair 'cause it's so far, the subway has to go through three time zones to get there.
I will drive you.
We're too young for matinees anyway.
Why would you ever do that? Because if you get lost on the subway, who else will I not get into hot clubs with? Kids! Uncle Anthony will be here any minute with his new guy! Ah! Honey, you scared me.
What's up? - Mom.
- Uh-huh? - I'm ready.
- For dinner? Great! - Go ahead.
Pour the water.
- No, I mean [SOFTLY.]
: I'm ready to learn how to put in a tampon.
- Really? Now? - Yes, now.
Let's do it before I change my mind.
Okay, yes, yes.
Let's do this.
- Oh my God, they're here.
Okay, uh, give me one second, and I will meet you in the bathroom.
- We're coming! - [DOG BARKING.]
Welcome, welcome! - It's so nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
Justin, this is Charlotte.
Charlotte, Justin.
Yes, come in, come in.
I just have to run, and take care of one thing really quickly.
Honey, could you please make these gentlemen some drinks? I just have to deal with something.
Oh, oh, and take the challah out of the oven, please, in 10 minutes.
- Listen for the timer.
- You got it.
- Oh, is this a Jewish dinner? - Mm-hm.
You know, the Holocaust is a hoax, right? [YELLS.]
Okay, it's really very simple.
If you can feel it at all, it's in wrong.
And the trick is getting the right angle.
You want it to go to the back, like this, not straight up, like this.
What?! No fair.
I was gonna be the one to get here embarrassingly early.
You know, one of my superpowers as a teacher is this uncanny ability to read facial cues.
Are you about to tell me your dog ate your homework? Do kids still do homework on paper? No No, they do not.
We're not gonna have dinner tonight, are we? But I came here because I didn't want to text you.
I feel so bad.
I appreciate that.
See, I went to take off my wedding ring before I came here, and I'm sorry for the rushed intimacy, but it's the only way to let you know that this is not about you.
That's very kind.
Instead of putting mine away I put John's on.
That's my husband's name, John.
And this is his wedding ring.
I remarried myself with a Band-Aid.
I see.
Hey, you know, maybe this dating thing with us is a Band-Aid, too.
You know, for both of us.
We're tryin' to cover up somethin' that still hurts.
I still have Anne's last voicemail on here.
I play it all the time.
: Oh - No, it's okay.
Well, Carrie, that's strike two.
One more and we're out.
Hey The best rejection ever.
You can do this, Lily.
You're almost there, and you are gonna feel so good once it's done! Some people like to put it in with one leg up on the toilet, like this.
Remember, there's really only one hole that it can go into.
Do you want me to just show you on me? Ew, gross, no.
Do not let a tampon scare you.
You scare the tampon.
So that being said, I'm gonna give a little bit of a rundown on tampons, basically how-to CHARLOTTE: Just relax all your muscles.
Picture butter melting and breathe.
You can do this or not.
The choice is yours.
Just stick it in! Jam it up there, Lily! Just do it! - [KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
- ROCK: Guys, what's taking so long? - Everybody's hungry.
- Honey, we have to take a break.
- It's just too rude for our guests.
- It's in! It is?! I'm sorry I forgot to check the challah.
I'm sorry that took so long.
I'm sorry I brought Justin.
It's your new favorite person with your favorite cookies.
Oh, my God.
Did we have a plan? - Did-did I space? - No! No, no, no.
I was studying at the library, and was cravin' me some Che, so I hopped on the train, and Hello, you.
Mmm Mwah.
- Hm, hi Okay.
This is awkward.
- Um - Oh, my God.
Someone's here.
You're not alone.
Of course, you're not alone.
Is someone here? Yes, someone's here.
- [GASPS.]
- Me Yeah, I'm here.
I'm in the middle of writing and I kind of wish - you would've texted or called.
- It's not a problem.
- I'm gonna go.
- W-Wait, Miranda.
No, no, no.
It-it's fine.
I-I'm gone.
- And this never happened! - What the fuck? Miranda, stop! Sorry, sorry.
Have your night.
I, I, I shouldn't have come.
So fucking stupid.
Who am I? Meg Ryan! Fuck! Can you please stop? - Why are you running away from me? - Why do you think? Because I saw myself and heard myself, and now, I wanna get as far away from here as possible.
- W-What is happening right now? - [DOG BARKING.]
MIRANDA: I have no idea.
I really don't.
I mean, I don't know why I did this.
If-if you were a guy that I had just started seeing, I would never show up at your doorstep - with cookies unannounced.
- Okay, this isn't going to work.
What do you, what do mean this isn't gonna work?! No, no, no, no! This has to work Please, please, just let me finish my thought.
This isn't gonna work if you lock us into those fucking limiting relationship tropes.
You know, guys do this, and, and girlfriends do that.
Th-This isn't cosplay.
I'm not a guy.
You're not my girlfriend, and we're not dating.
We're not? What are we doing?! Okay, we are getting to know each other.
- You and me.
- In my defense, you keep saying I should throw out the script, and that's what I thought I was doing.
I was tryin' to be spontaneous, - and, you know, ditch the script - Oh.
- And do improv instead.
- Oh God, please do not call our relationship improv.
I suck at improv.
I'm just kidding.
This is me and you.
Or you and me if you want top billing.
Well, for this drama on the stairs, I think I deserve it.
- Hm.
- Okay.
Hey, to answer your indirect question.
You are the only person I'm sleeping with right now.
- Oh.
- Mm-hm.
Come here.
- Please come upstairs.
- No, I'm gonna go because that is not what Meg Ryan would do.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What about my cookies? I am going to eat them on the ride home.
Okay, what's happened to my life? Now I'm waiting in a line to paint.
Go, go, go.
You don't have to stay.
No, it's for a good cause, and I heard about this Lebanese restaurant in the area for lunch.
So how long do we have to pretend to paint? Seema, I am not pretending to paint.
I am here to wor Look at me.
I'm wearin' overalls.
I see that.
You can just write a check.
Oh, I, I am, but I was told in no uncertain terms by Miranda I cannot be that white woman that just writes a check.
It is so hard to be white now.
Hey, Luisa.
Carrie Bradshaw, plus one.
Hi, Carrie.
Here you are.
This list, we're on.
Hey, you made it! And you brought Seema! Awesome! Seema, I'll get you one of the T-shirts to paint in.
Okay, everyone's working in pairs, so you guys can start in the bathrooms.
- Thank you.
- Okay, I'm gonna be over there.
Brown lady smoking writing a big, fat check.
- Thank you! - CARRIE: My God, Steve came.
We were gonna do this as a family event, - and we're still a family, so.
- Well, that's very impressive.
Well, yeah, so is Steve.
- Hey, hey, Carrie! - [LAUGHING.]
- You're wearin' overalls.
- Yeah, you betcha.
I'm here to paint until someone says to me, "Please, stop.
" - What's up, Farmer Joe? - Ahh, come here, you big lug.
So, um, everybody's workin' in pairs.
I call Carrie.
I mean, look at her.
She means business.
Okay, so it's me and you, Brady.
- No, I'm workin' with Luisa.
- Oh, naturally.
All right, I'll find a partner.
Oh, hi.
Hi, everyone.
Oh, thank you for coming.
- Nya, this is Carrie.
- Oh, Carrie, hi.
Oh, I wish you were meeting me on a day where my head wasn't exploding.
I just found out the venue that was donating lunch for everyone thought it was next week.
- MIRANDA: Oh sorry.
- Ooh, that's bad.
- CARRIE: Well, we can Whoa.
- NYA: What the fuck is that? Oh, wow.
Is it prom night? Hi, hi, hi! We made it! - Aw, yep, there's our prom queen.
- Oh my gosh.
Is this Nya?! - Uh, this is Nya.
- Hi, I'm Charlotte.
- Hi, Charlotte.
- So nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
These are my kids, Rock and Lily.
And that is my friend, Lisa Todd Wexley, and her children.
- NYA: Oh, you're cute.
- What's with the camera? - Huh? This is not an Instagram opportunity.
Full disclosure, I ordered a 10-passenger van, - and this is what showed up.
- Oh.
Talk about tone deaf.
- But, Professor Wallace - Oh.
I am so moved by everything that you're doing, and if you would permit me, I thought I'd take some photos.
They're great for fundraising, and your website.
- That would be so helpful.
- Okay.
How bad do you feel? - So bad.
- Mm-hm.
Oh, and my husband, Herbert, is in there finishing up a call, but he does the heavy lifting, so if you need anything - let me know.
- Well, if you could figure out how to get me lunch for a hundred.
My caterer's a no-show.
Uh, yeah, let, let me see what I can do.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Hi, Tony? Gabby, can you go a little faster? We're only here for a day, sweetheart.
Yeah, there you go.
Good job.
Good job.
That's nice.
That's nice.
Damn, that's some Grade A fatherin' over there.
- This is so satisfying.
- I know, right? Oh, yeah.
It's the stuff of life, isn't it? The stuff of their life.
Give you that.
Seriously, no pangs when you see somethin' like that? - That could be us.
- Andre they came in a limo.
They probably have, like, three nannies.
I'm guessing they're not still renting.
Way to bring down a vibe, Ny.
Until three years ago, that man wouldn't notice if someone left a crying baby in his guitar case.
I guess that switch was just flicked by the Norman Rockwell painting scene over there.
NYA: I think it's more like he's programmed.
I mean, we keep having these great conversations where he accepts our life, and then, he sees a minivan commercial, and he, he falls back into what he's supposed to want.
Yeah, we're all programmed.
I'm a grown woman, and I'm still programmed to be a girlfriend.
I can't stop checking my phone every five minutes to see if they still like me.
Yeah, well, then I guess I'm programmed to say, "Don't worry 'cause I'm sure they're gonna text you.
Excuse me.
What is all this tables, and trucks, and crap everywhere? And why are you asking me? You are sitting here smoking a cigarette doing nothing.
- You look like a boss.
- Well, you got that right.
So, boss what is all this mess doing on my street? Are you Mr.
Bay Shore Drive? You're funny.
You know what isn't funny is all of these things in the way of my club.
I noticed that.
Is it any good? It's the hottest club in Brooklyn.
Says you.
How long did you know about it? I think she asked me to help last week.
No, I mean, you about, you know, her and this Che.
You know, she, uh, I guess, is they work at your podcast, right? So did you introduce them? Shit.
- Steve, this is just so.
- STEVE: Uh, no, no.
I I'm, I'm sorry.
I No need to get uncomfortable.
I'm just trying to get some information here.
You know, this whole thing all came up on me pretty damn fast, and can you help me out here? I really had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Okay but did you know that Miranda wanted to be with women? Is, is there somethin' she ever said to you? No no.
She, she never said that.
And really all I know is what she said to me.
And what's that? That it's not about being with women.
It's It's about being with Che.
- So that's all I can say.
- Okay.
But, how long ago did this thing start? I mean, you gotta know.
- Ahh Shit! - Ooh, shit! I'm sorry.
That's on me.
I - [BLOWS.]
- No, no, no, no.
It's not your fault.
It's not.
It's I just You know what? I should probably wash it off.
I'll be super fast.
Oh, so sorry.
Be right back.
- [GASPS.]
No! Shit.
No no! God! Steve! - Hey, what's the matter? - Big's wedding ring! His wedding ring just went down the drain.
Oh my God, can you help me?! My god.
The My I had a Band-Aid on it, and it, it slipped off.
Oh my god, is it gone? Is his ring gone?! - Nah, it's, probably, in the P-Trap.
- So, it's not gone? I, I, I don't know how plumbing works.
It's most likely in the trap.
I'll go find somethin', open it up and see.
Okay, can you hurry? Oh shit! Mom, you're being too careful and OCD about it.
- Just paint.
- Mom, help.
I'm freaking out.
My tampon string? It's gone.
Oh, I'm sure it's not gone.
You're just having some trouble finding it.
It's gone.
- Let's go.
Let's go! - [HORN HONKING.]
The porta-potties are right over here.
Porta-potties? Gross! Well, I'm sorry.
All the real bathrooms are being painted.
Hey, Charlotte Lunch is ready.
Amazing! - Great work! - Mom, it is an emergency! Ugh, well, I can't be rude, Lily.
Oh, please, please, please.
- Oh my God! Thank you.
- Sure.
Ah thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
CHARLOTTE: Any luck with the string? LILY: No, it's gone! I'm not kidding! It's not gone.
It-it's just hiding.
Usually, it's in your tushy crack.
- Did you look there? - LILY: Oh my God! Gross! No! There's no air in here, Mom.
Mom?! Mom, I can't breathe! Honey, just calm down.
I-I'm gonna go get you some water, okay? LILY: Okay, go! Hurry, Mom! Oh, and not cold! Room temp! - CARRIE: Thank you.
- MIRANDA: Thanks so much.
Mm, mm, mm.
Yummy! Hey! What's happening with you? I saw you running in and out of the bathrooms all wired.
Do you have a coke problem now? No, I am in hell.
I have to help Lily with her tampon.
She just started wearing them, and it's a nightmare.
- Now, she wants water.
- Man, you're a good mother.
My mom never helped me with all that stuff.
My sister taught me.
My friend Mindy showed me at summer camp.
- No one in my house used tampons.
- Really? - [PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh my God.
It's her.
It's like having a newborn again, but with a cell phone and her period.
- Bye.
- Bye.
See, I couldn't handle that.
There's no way.
- Oh Oh, it's Che! Are you gonna answer it? No I mean, I want to, but I'm not.
I've been too available lately.
Oh, so you're doin' The Rules now? You're gonna tell them you can't go out tomorrow night - 'cause you're washing your hair.
- Stop it.
- I'm just pulling back a little.
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Why didn't they leave a voicemail? - I know, I have a problem.
- Paint on your face.
What was all that before? Are we 100% sure we don't wanna try again? Oh my God, Andre.
Have you met us? [SCOFFS.]
Our entire 15-year relationship has been about me and you my work, your music.
That was our total focus.
I Well am I not allowed to pivot? A child is not a pivot.
That's not fair to me.
Okay, well, this isn't fair to me.
You keep opening this up.
I'm not 100%.
Andre, don't make this miracle of us finding each other not enough.
What? Just say it.
I just feel that I want one.
And I don't know if I should be workin' so hard to talk myself out of that.
LILY: I can't find it! - Oh, I got it! I found it! - Great.
- I'll see you back inside.
- No, don't go! I need help pulling it out.
It always feels like I'm pulling out all of my insides! Lily I love you madly, but I draw the line at pulling out your tampon string.
Pull your own string! - Wait, Mom! - Enough is enough! No, really, Mom! Stop! Come back! - I have to tell you something! - Everyone has their limit, - and this is mine! - Mom! Oh dear.
Oh dear.
Charlotte! - Oh, Charlotte! Come here super quick.
- Hey.
I am ready to throttle her.
Just when I am finally done with my periods, I thought I would not have to deal with this shit anymore.
Well, you may not be as done as you think.
- What, what are you doing? - I'm just gonna wrap this around your waist.
I think you got a flash period.
I did?! Wh-What the hell is that? It, it, it happened to me once months after I thought I was done.
I was arguing a case in court, and the opposing counsel literally signaled me to look at my ass.
How have you never mentioned this? Repressed it as soon as it happened.
- Got you some lemonade.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- How's that heart rate? - [CHUCKLES.]
It's better, thank you.
Sorry, I just Oh I panicked.
I get it.
This ain't never comin' off.
I don't care what Miranda does, or with who.
'Til death do us part.
What about you? You are such a wonderful, wonderful person.
Don't you maybe want to find someone? At some point.
Never comin' off.
Welcome, boss.
- CARRIE: And just like that - Have fun.
I was up for a dance.

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