Andy Barker P.I. (2007) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

Look out Fair Oaks.
Here I come.
Thanks.
Well, it's my first day as my own boss, I don't know when I'm gonna be home.
You're an accountant, Andy Barker! You go where the numbers take you.
But don't be too late.
That "Judging Amy" we TiVo'd isn't going to watch itself.
Oh, Andy.
Did you watch it last night after I went to sleep? 'Cause I was all keyed up! It's my first day You rascal! - Bye.
- Bye.
Dekka, Tania You have no messages in you voicemail box.
Best accountant in a film.
What? You're the new guy upstairs, right? Yeah! Best accountant in a film.
William Holden in The Remarkable Andrew, 1942 directed by Stuart Heisler, screen play by Dalton Trumbo from the zone Alamo.
I'm Simon.
I run this place.
Hi.
Andy.
- Bang.
- Oh! Wow! What's that? "You think I'm gorgeous, you wanna kiss me".
Oh, seriously.
What is that? Oh, it's a remote control Sandra Bullock has done for Miss Congeniality 2.
Wow! It's cool! Man, I didn't think they could top Miss Congeniality1 but they got pretty darn close.
It's kind of a fake.
I made it to mock the movie.
You can record your own voice onto it.
Ehi, Sandy, why did you make such bad falls in career choices? I was renovating the house, I needed the cash.
Enjoy! Oh, thanks.
Well, welcome to Fair Oaks Plaza, you could do worse.
Don't park in front of the Christian bookstore unless you wanna get towed.
The best place to eat is the Kebab House, Wally is Afghani.
He went overboard with the picture and all that stuff after 9/11.
Well, maybe we gonna have lunch here sometime.
Oh, I'd love that.
Let's go.
Oh, but it's 4.
30.
Oh, yeah.
Plus, I'm a little busy.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, me too Jeez, first day, I'm swamped.
Oh, crazy crazy.
Andy, stop stressing.
Business will pick up.
Your radio ad starts tomorrow.
Oh, yeah! This is suite 210? Yes, it is! May I help you? Ok! My name is Nadja Kerensky.
I would like some help from you.
My husband, Nikolaj, died a year ago.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
There is so many things to deal with I have to definitely pause this.
Would you mind not smoking in here? It's actually it's against the rules of the complex.
Personally, I would rather prefer if you did I think my husband, he's not dead.
What? But you just I need you to find him - Find him? I - Please.
You seem so kind.
And our son is very sick.
- I'm sorry.
It's just that - Here's four thousand dollars.
There's more when you locate him.
- I really need to explain - My number.
Call mewhen you find him.
Please.
You are my only hope.
These are my files.
Madam, I Lew Staziak, Private Investigator, suite 210 For a moment she seemed so desperate to find her husband, I wish I could help her.
Please, she's a fake.
She's not this guy Nikolaj's wife.
What do you mean? It's right like in Chinatown.
The fake Evelyn Mulwray goes to see Jack Nicholson, before Faye Dunaway, the real Evelyn Mulwray shows up.
I never saw Chinatown.
Is that with Jackie Chan? Anyway, this thing with that woman is all a bit set-up.
I'm just gonna give her money back and tell her to go to the Police.
Ok, two chicken kebab tai-chen and falafels.
So, why are you going to the Police? Oh, well, a woman came to my office today and she thought I was a Private I.
She wanna me to find her husband.
But you cannot send her to the Police.
The Police are the adversary for a Private I.
Just like in Chinatown.
Yeah, see? This man came to America in the wheel-well of a jumbo jet and he's seen it.
Well, guys, I'm not a Private I, sorry.
Oh, you know what? I'll also have a side of the tabouli combo, please.
Oh, Hakim.
One Ronald Regan, extra humous.
15th century Russian warlord eaten by a bear.
I don't think so.
Crimefighting councilman.
So Huh, Tax return! Things just got interesting.
Ah! Cheese and crackers! You are now leaving Fair Oaks Hi, I called earlier about a Tax return that's on file here for Nikolaj Kerensky.
Sir, I get four, sometimes five calls a day.
I can't keep track of every single one.
- It's nearby, right there.
- Could be.
I'd have to check.
Yeah, that's it.
I need to see your Metro press card.
Come on, can't you do this for me, take a quick pig-headed at me.
It's pretty important.
Sure! I'll do anything for you! Hold on there! You stay right where you are.
I need to check this bag, madam.
- This is how you conduct your life? - No, no.
I'm so sorry.
This is shameful.
Hey, Simon, what's up? Hey, the landlord is looking for you.
He want you to get the rent check in today.
Humm, I got it sight threatened.
So, how is it going? Well, I got on hold of the Russian all four tax return but it's a bit of a puzzler.
He gave 72 hundred dollars to a Church.
Hey, hold on a sec.
Video Riot.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We don't have Meet the Fuckers.
All right, 72 hundred dollars to a church.
Yes, but he doesn't take it as a deduction.
Charitable contribution.
I gotta go--there's a beefy goth chick in horror Hey, sunshine, do you wanna buy or rent? Yes? Quickly, please.
I'm cooking a hamburger.
Yes, of course.
Father, my name is Andy Barker and I've been hired to find a man named Nikolaj Karensky.
I do not know him.
Really? He gave the church a sizeable amount of money.
I said I do not know him.
I should go, my hamburger.
Yes, of course.
Your hamburger.
But thank you, Father.
Who are you? Andy Barker, I'm an accountant.
How did you find me? Your tax return.
The money you sent this church was in charity.
I felt that you were paying the church on advancement, because you were planning on hiding out here.
If you understand, I had to go into hiding to protect my wife.
She misses you very much.
You saw Nadja? How is she? She's fine but, she's very concerned about your son.
We have no children.
Take it easy on it! Chinatown.
Andy, you could have been killed.
Running around in back alleys in the middle of the night like a crazy man.
I know.
May I remind you that you are an accountant who has a meeting tomorrow with Ron Davies.
I know, it's just Figuring the whole thing out.
Finding Nikolaj.
I I enjoyed it.
It was a rush.
Andy, are you doing pot? You know that feeling that I get when I hit the equal sign on a calculator, And the number on the calculator is the same number that's on the worksheet? It felt like that, honey.
Andy, I get it, but promise me you'll go to the Police with this.
Andy? Baby? Yeah, honey, absolutely.
Mr.
Staziak? - Ya.
- My name is Andy Barker.
Can I speak to you for a minute? About what? Well, I have your old office over at Fair Oaks Plaza.
You are from the County, is this about the smell? No.
The other day a woman came to see me and I guess she was looking for you, because she wanted help in finding her husband.
And you knew she really wasn't the guy's wife so you tailed her, eh? I tracked the guy down.
Kerensky was an anti-crime politician down at Long Beach.
He faked his own death and was hiding in a Russian Orthodox church.
Well, somebody must have been following me because they grabbed him and threw him in a van, and took off.
Welcome to Stalin gang, you know? What d'you mean? Do you remember the cossacks, buddy? The Russian mob.
They take orders straight from Khruschev.
Khruschev, hasn't he been out of office? See, the guntz will grab you boy, take him to the clan pa russki and hope to get a big pay out of it.
And now you're welcome! What? You heard me? You got maybe 12 hours to find him.
- Well, I suppose you wanna take over the case.
- Me? No way.
There's nothing I like better than kicking the brown bread out of a bunch of Commies high on potato juice, but I'm out of the game.
You got your boy in the hot water.
Let's see if you got the Mike and Ikes to get him out.
But I'm an accountant.
There's some numbers for you, we got 11 hours and 59 minutes, cupcake! Now, which one of you down based have got a TV, crackers? I just don't know where to start.
You just need to bring the thunder and the lightening.
You got wholenut in your teeth.
Hey, Wally, is that a security camera? Yep! I take everything.
Does it also take the parking lot? No, Lincoln watches this store.
Nixon's got the parking lot.
Now, what are you looking for? A grey van, thursday, about 3pm.
Hey, there it is.
Shut, I can't make it out.
- Not bad, eh? - Yeah! Hey, Hakim you're under contract.
Don't eat the pickles.
Do you know where it takes us, all of it? Gangsters, they study them.
That's why you need me, bro.
I know how things go down.
Get down! I suppose we could make a deal? We'll see.
I hope so.
That bloke killed my back.
I told you.
You don't eat enough potassium.
Let me show you stretching.
It's very good, opens up the hips.
Hello, fellas.
Who's this? You're Staziak.
Actually I'm Andy Barker.
I'm an accountant.
I'm Simon, I manage a video store.
Godfather one, I'm all right? - Simon? - You know, Michael and Enzo the baker came out of the hospital, and don't have guns so they put their fingers in their pockets to intimidate Sollozzo's men.
This kid is not keeping any gun.
I made a mistake.
Ok, that was pretty scary.
And a little bit rude.
So, I wanna make it up to us.
Why don't you just let Mr.
Kerensky go? Oh, but we went through so much trouble to find him.
You! Oh, do I have a bone to pick with you! You lied to me.
And, I'm no expert on your particular business model.
But, do you even own this warehouse? Beat them to death.
The building is surrounded.
Come out with your hands up! Repeat, the building is surrounded.
Come out with your hands up! "How weird, is that the right botton?" "Oh Jeez, I hope this thing recorded.
" ''You think I'm gorgeous, you wanna kiss me''.
Go! Go! Ok, Nikolaj, give me that baby-seat.
Oh, God! Oh, God! He's crazy! He's throwing his babies! Hah, hah.
Spectacular! Hey, let just bang around and get out the 101.
Then we are home.
My friend, what are you doing? I'm sorry.
I've got a 2.
30 with a client.
Nicer, nicer.
Oh, hey, Ron! I was just there to knot and get ready for the meeting.
Oh, you know what? We've changed the plans.
Up in! Ron this is Nikolaj and Simon, Ron manufactures pallets and Nikolaj is on the run from the Russian mob.
Is this a good time, Andy? Well, as good as any.
Oh, ok.
As you know I've got a bunch of money and a roll of IRA.
Great! Because you can't get at those until you are 59.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the problem.
See, it's my daugther wishness I really need to Ok, that's what we do.
We just put the IRA into two funds.
The smaller will pay for college over the next five years until you're 59 and a half You still have to pay tax.
But there's no penalty.
You know what else I'm liking these days? Unesco box.
Hey, I heard what have you done on that tug with the Ruskies.
Lew? What are you doing here? It looks like you might have an APT for this kind of work, eh? Say hello to Rangie Chandana.
It's a good kid.
He dropped a diamond to Mohamed Salim.
Smug dealer.
Bad apple.
Cut you like a fish just for the hoo-hahs.
I need somebody to help me to get Rangie out of town before they curl him up his head like a Halloween pumpkin.
What do you say Barker, are you in or out? Where will I find this Rangie guy? I got hot links I was gonna grill.
Dekka, Tania