Andy Barker P.I. (2007) s01e02 Episode Script

Fairway My Lovely

Sorry, Andy.
Trying to quit smoking cigarettes.
These are the only thing that seem to help.
Oh, that's okay, Guy.
Oh, fudge! You know, I cannot hit my pitching wedge.
Bite? Oh, no, thanks.
Three kinds of ham! I'm good! Hey, I'm deducting this round has its business expenses.
So, let's talk accounting.
Oh, great, you know, because I've been meaning to talk to you about your capital Ding ding! That'll do.
The kid loves the "ding ding".
Ah! Speaking of which, Brian "Ding Dong" me.
Ah, sorry Mr.
Helverson, you ate all the "Ding Dongs" on the walk up to three.
Ah-ha, give me a deviled egg.
Don't forget your Coumadin, Mr.
Helverson.
They are right here.
Coumadin? Are you okay, Guy? I'm fine.
It's my cardiologists against the gloomy gases.
I like to think that I'm 66% not body fat.
Oh! Hey, Guy, why don't we call it a day? It's pretty hot and you are coughing stuff up.
Just some cheese.
My health is fine.
I know, it's just a you know, you see Race to the green? - What? - Go! Hey, sorry about Guy.
That's tough! Thanks, Simon.
Sorry about your friend, my friend.
Oh, thank you, Wally.
But, you know, he wasn't really a friend, he was more of a client.
Although, for a client he did eat off my plate fairly often.
In my country we have a saying.
(AFGHANISTAN LANGUAGE) "The gates of heaven will open wide, for the big fat fat so fatty.
I made 18.
50 an hour at my old job.
I expect the same here.
Of course.
Who are you? I'm Nicole, at the Long Beach Star? Those files that you stole? There was on my watch.
You're the reason I got fired.
Oh, I am so sorry about that.
I was I was doing some P.
I.
work.
No need to explain.
The fact that you've hired me as your assistant has more that made up for it.
Actually, I didn't hire you.
Oh.
Hi, Wendy! Hi, I'm Mr Barker's assistant, and you are? I'm Wendy Helverson.
At 9.
15 I was here.
I'm taking my lunch.
Go ahead, have a seat.
Wendy, what are you doing here? You know, there is plenty of time to go over Guy's estate.
I'm not here about that.
I hear you've been working as a private investigator and I wanna hire you.
Why? Because my husband didn't die of a heart attack.
He was murdered.
Murdered? He must have been, I mean, you saw him, he was in the prime of life.
This was the last man on earth you can imagine having a heart attack.
Well, he did mention a team of cardiologists and, there was that sandwich He was murdered! Murdered! O-okay! All right! Why would anyone want to murder Guy? We were renewing our vows next week in Caramel.
Obviously, someone was jealous.
Jealous Do you think? I knew when I married Guy, I was making a deal with the devil.
A man that achinly desirable.
They were bound to be other women.
So, you think that he was having an affair?! You find the mistress you'll find the murderer.
Andy Barker P.
I.
Season 01 Episode 02 - "Fairway My Lovely" Dekka, Tania Well, his doctor said he died of natural causesand there's really no motif.
But you said Wendy thought Guy was having an affair that went bad.
Well, she's not really making a lot of sense right now.
She thought Guy was like this dynamic sexual creature that every woman desired.
It's crazy, huh? I said, it's crazy, huh? Jane, honey, I think it might be over tight in there.
What do you want me to say, Mr.
Detective Man, that I found him attractive? Okay, I did! Hell, he was so huge! And and he was kind of dirty.
Back when you and I, both worked at "Bryson and White", if I knew he was coming in, I get a little bit dressed up.
And I wasn't the only woman who did either.
He was smelly too, you know? I mean, he was pretty smelly.
Those are called pheromones Andy, and he was lousy with them.
Andy, do you wanna grab a bite? Hello! Mr.
Barker is not in right now.
And who might you be? Hello.
I'm Nicole, his new assistant.
I didn't know we had hired an assistant.
I'm Simon, I'm gonna be Andy's partner on the private I stuff.
Sorry, I didn't know you're my new boss.
Is there anything I can get for you? Oh, a cup of coffee will be great.
How about an espresso instead? And three cubes of sugar and you guys have a deal.
Right away then, Sir.
Okay, great! Good one.
Okay, I run the video store downstairs so if you have some time drop by.
We can watch "Jungle Fever".
Or "Taxi", with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah.
Why would you think I'd want to watch these movies? Because I'm black? And because I'm white.
Hello! Oh! Hey, Brian.
Oh, hey Mr.
Barker.
Boy, it was crazy stuff out there in the course the other day, hem? Yeah, poor Mr.
Helverson.
But, by the way, congratulations on winning the race.
I I don't really feel too proud about that right now.
Listen Brian, I know that sound crazy but, do you know of anyone that might had been having an affair with Guy? With Mr.
Helverson? I know, but his wife, and, actually my wife, they thought he was sexy.
You know, I guess you never know when somebody is gonna spot you.
Hell, I like boobs.
What? I like boobs, big boobs, I love them.
Yeah, they are they are pretty popular.
You know, I think I got a sort of wrong track here, Brian.
I'll talk to you later.
Oh, hey, hem I don't know if this means anything but, last week Mr.
Helverson had gone into a big fight with June Park, the golf pro, during one of his lessons.
They were pretty intense.
Really? Thanks, Brian.
Can I give you a pointer? Oh, hi! June Park? Hi, I'm Andy Barker.
I actually was waiting to speak to you - Okay, with the pitching wedge.
- Okay.
- You wanna keep your weight forward.
- All right.
You don't wanna get all resty.
And just let the clamp do all the work.
Oh, wow! That was unbelievable.
Hey, did you murder Guy Helverson? What? I'm sorry.
It's just that there's suspicion of foul play and I was asked to look into it.
I thought he died of a heart attack.
I know it appears that way but Well, you two did have a fight last week.
Yeah, over his grip.
He wouldn't change his grip.
I showed him tapes of his lessons I mean, he was just so stubborn.
Sorry, I can't talk about Guy anymore.
Who are you to come here and throw out this accusations? A house over Amby El Pueblo just went for 60 over asking.
That's a tiny little commission for somebody! Yeah, it is.
Good for them.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I've accused some people of murder today and I didn't go over it very well.
And then Wendy ask me to go over Guy's financials one last time.
I guess it's finally sinking in.
Hey, this is interesting.
A condo at 1525 Morris Road just went on the market last week, it's owned by Double Meat Enterprises, Wasn't that Guy's company? Yeah, it was, could you send - Already did - You He owned this condo for three years and I didn't know anything about it.
And one week before he dies, he puts it on the market? Oh, did I just find a clue? I believe you did Mrs.
Barker.
Someone's moving out.
I wonder who set the out.
Hello? Andy, it's Nicole, your assistant.
I've never hired you.
Would you please leave now? When is the insurance kicking? I'm trying to schedule some elective surgery.
Look, I can't deal with this right now.
I'm on a stakeout.
You're not comin' in? I would appreciate if you'd let me know that type of thing the night before.
I'm busting my ass to get here by 11 o'clock.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Wow, I guess Guy spent some time here.
June Park lived here.
Oh, dear.
Oh my godness.
So, the golf pro was the cat woman.
who went insane when Guy told her he was renewing his vows.
And he kicked her out of the condo love nest.
- That's motif, my friend.
- She totally did it.
Did what? Guy Helverson was a heart attack waiting to happen.
The man kept a thermos of emergency bisque.
The affair proves nothing.
I still don't see how he was murdered.
You are right.
He wasn't.
I got the guy toxicology report.
His pumper cracked up.
- Heart attack.
- Ahh.
Poison can induce a heart attack.
It's very popular with Afghanistan Police.
- Common knowledge.
- No, there's no trace of drugs in here.
- Has Nicole been asking about me? - No.
D'you think she likes me in that way? - No.
- Do me a favour.
- Tell her I'd like to be Hootie to her blowfish.
- No.
- Hold on a minute.
- What am I eating? He was murdered.
They didn't find any drugs in him.
But they should have.
He took Coumadin for his heart.
Why didn't they find any in his system? Unless somebody was replacing it with a placebo.
Not taking his Coumadin.
That's what killed him.
What's this a hoof? Yeah, it is.
Ah! Just as I thought.
Guy's pills.
Yeah, you have to have your boys in the lab to analize those but I'll bet a dollar to a doughnut that they are Coumadin.
Yes, it says Coumadin right on it.
It does? Oh, yeah.
Tiny letters.
Yeah, she stole those to replace them with sugar pills.
- Did you find any sugar pills? - Got'em Good, good work.
Well, anyway, she's probably a flying risk.
I'd recommend a full man on her.
She's right there.
- Well, our work is - We are done.
You could at least let me have that one.
Somebody planned it and stuff them in my locker.
I wouldn't hurt him.
He was the sexiest man I've ever been with.
Miss Park, I know you've been arrested and all but - Really? - I loved him, and if you are a decent man you'll find out who really did this.
Hey, what's the matter, kid? You look lower than the nipples on a wet nurse at the orphanage.
Oh, I just hope I got the real killer.
She seemed so sincere.
She's guilty.
They're all guilty.
They all deny.
Oh, I know where all adds up, the pills, the affair the condo, the fight they had in their golf lesson.
Although, you know, she says that the fight was just about his grip.
Look, there's always a lot of little sayings, you have to let them go and bro, you can't go back and listen to the fight.
- Right.
- Did you try to? - No.
- You can't travel time.
You're right.
Wait a minute.
Yes, we can.
They videotape those golfers, they gotta have a copy at the back of the club.
Hi, there.
We were wondering if we can take a look at the tape of a lesson that June Park gave to Guy Helverson last Tuesday.
Oh, no problem.
Let me check.
Listen, hippie, you take your orders from me, not Charlie Manson.
- Now, you'll get us that tape or I shut your - Lew, the guy said he would get us the tape.
It's all right, kid.
Stand cool, don't do drugs.
They were objectively fighting.
It's too bad.
There's no audio.
Oh, please, at the video store I watch so many movies with the sound off, I can tell you what they're saying.
She's saying: "I'm going to kill you" "by not giving you your Coumadin".
Okay.
No, hold on.
And he saying: "Oh no, I don't wanna be murdered, I'm fat and I like pizza".
She said: "I thought you loved me.
How can you be renewing your vows?" You read lips? Fluently.
Why do you know how to do that? I have a deaf brother.
I like Stevie Wonder.
Could you tell us the rest of what they're saying, please? The twig is saying: "I gave you everything, I could kill you.
" So, she did kill him.
"And to think this all time I was worried about your other affair!" And he says: "What?" And she says: "The slutty blonde with the butterfly tatoo!" "Could you be more predictable?" Ah! Wait a minute! Another affair? Someone else had a motive.
I gonna find myself the slutty blonde.
Blondes do nothing for me.
Except Lou Kim.
Oh! Hey, Brian.
- It's pretty slow on the course today, huh? - Oh, yeah.
Back nine is closed.
Ground keepers reseeding some of the greens.
Well, better reseeding greens than reseeding airlines.
Can I help you with something, Mr.
Barker? Yeah, I, actually, wanted pick your brain a little more Brian, eh Do you happen to know if anyone else was involved with Guy Helverson? No one other than June Park.
Good job, putting her away.
Well, I have a description of the other person.
Blonde with a tatoo of a butterfly.
Brian, I thought you said you like big boobs.
And he had them.
You murdered Guy Helverson and you blamed June Park.
That's pretty bad, boy.
I had no choice.
It was hard to share him with June but but renewing his vows and leaving me! No, Brian, Brian Just, Brian! Brian? Brian? Are you all right? All right, Brian.
I've got just one question for you.
Did you really find Guy Helverson attractive? Oh, I get it.
You don't think one man can't feel that way about another man? No, no, that's not really it.
Now that's how you hit a pitching wedge! That's a three-iron.
I know.
Andy, you should feel really good about what you did.
Yeah, I do.
Brian's locked up.
June Park's been cleared.
And Wendy Helverson has some peace of mind.
Right.
Because now she knows her husband wasn't murdered by his hot lady mistress, but by his hunky psychotic boy-toy.
Good night, sweetie.
Dekka, Tania