Andy Barker P.I. (2007) s01e03 Episode Script

Three Days of the Chicken

I can't wait to see it.
Look! Just like in the movies.
Here's my new office.
It's so dignified.
I'm gonna keep the P.
files over there separate from the accounting files which will be over here.
Of course, the best part is the fantastic view.
I have to admit I was a little worried about this whole P.
I know you're not gonna get mixed up in anything dangerous, but I do feel better coming here and meeting everybody.
When can I meet your friend from the kebab shop? How do you pronounce his name again? Wally.
What the heck is that? Here he is.
Hi, Wally! Hi, Andy! He seems nice.
Capisce? Wally, is everything okay? It's fine.
Are you sure? Because you seemed pretty upset out there.
Nothing worth talking about.
This chicken is brutal.
Of course it's brutal! It's crap chicken at jacked-up prices and that bastard from Transcor Chicken is shoving it down my throat.
So buy from someone else.
They said if I do, they will burn my store to the ground.
Have you been to the Police? Like the Police would ever give a fair check to someone like me.
I have to keep my head low and blend in.
That is why I work so hard to get rid of my accent.
What? That is why I work so hard to get rid of my accent.
I'm sorry, I still don't understand.
Maybe we could look into it for you.
Andy, please, I will have to close if I have bad chicken.
I will pay you.
Okay, I'll look into it.
I'll talk to your chicken supplier, but you're a friend, I can't take money from you.
Your generosity will not be forgotten.
A lamb kebab for you.
- Thank you.
- That will be $6.
All right.
Episode 103 The Three Days of the Chicken Thanks for letting me come.
You were hiding in the backseat of my car.
I appreciate it.
I took the liberty of working up a back story.
We're opening a new café, with a sidewalk seating, a cheese bar, and we have mustaches.
We're not gonna do any of that, we're just gonna politely ask some direct questions.
Can I help you? Yeah.
Hi, we'd like to ask you some questions about your company.
Why would I tell you anything about our company? Because I'm thinking of opening a restaurant.
With sidewalk seating, and cheese bar.
I do love a variety of cheese.
We'll talk while I give you a tour, Mister White.
Barry White.
No relation.
But boy, do I get asked that all the time! Is he coming with us, Barry? Victor Esplanade.
Put it away.
So, what sort of chicken are you gonna be serving? We're gonna be specializing in - barbecue.
- boiled chicken.
How's that? Boiled-becue.
It's a fusion technique.
First we barbecue the chicken over seether chips and then we lovingly boil it.
Seal in the flavor.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Barry.
That sounds delicious.
Oh, good.
That guy seemed cagey.
He was suspicious of you.
Should have worn a mustache.
Delivery truck.
Not only is it showing dangerously uneven tireware - This is a delivery list.
- So? So we should swing by some of Transcor's other restaurant clients.
See if there's any complaints or if it's just Wally.
This address is right near a girl I used to date.
I can't go within 500 feet of that place.
All right, that does it.
Five restaurants and everyone insists they love Transcor.
I guess Wally was wrong about this one.
He can be all off base sometimes.
On the other hand, if Transcor's so great, why do these chicken wings suck so bad? Because the chicken's low quality, man.
You're the owner of that Jamaican Jerk chicken place.
Hey, man.
I followed ya because I couldn't talk to you.
- They're watching me.
- Who is? Transcor, man.
They make us small businesses take all the bad chicken.
It's all beaks and knuckles.
So Wally was right.
Watch your back, bro.
They catch you snooping around, you're gonna get hurt.
How would anyone know that I'm involved? LAY OFF This place is amazing.
Reminds me of high school gym class.
Except I'm not crying.
Take that, Castro.
- Hey, Lew.
- Hey, Barker.
What is it? Take your daughter to work day? It is an honor to be ribbed by you, sir.
I just honestly wanna know why you're dressed up in men's clothes.
- There's the tears.
- What do you need? Do you know anything about the poultry business? I know it's bad news.
Kind of like the pork business, without a conscience.
See, I'm looking into some bad product that's being forced on Wally.
My office got trashed and they left a live chicken.
Chicken? You didn't bring it here? You should've seen him when it jumped out.
He screamed like a little girl.
Of course he did.
You don't laugh at a man for screaming at a chicken.
They're prehistoric, for God's sake! Why would Transcor do such a thing? Transcor? You got tangled up with them? They once had a hand in everything.
Drug, cement, wigs.
Then they moved into chicken, that's where the real money is.
More than drugs? Think about it.
You can't turn heroin into a nugget.
Everybody eats chicken.
Some like me for revenge.
Stay out of it, or you'd get dead quick.
Dead? So you're saying he should wear a mustache? Wouldn't hurt.
Great, now I'm all creeped out and I'm way late for Jenny's barbecue.
Why did we even go to Lew? Half of what he says is crazy.
- Unless it's not.
- Please.
A murderous chicken cartel? That doesn't exist.
- Unless it does.
- Stop doing that.
That black Cadillac will not get off my keister.
What? I think we're being followed.
What are you doing? I'm not gonna just lead them right to my house.
They're still following us.
- I don't think I can lose them.
- Because you keep signaling.
You were so scared back there.
You were like, "They're following us, Simon, please hold me!" Oh, my God! It's the same car.
Got to get back to see if Jenny's alright.
Oh, God! Come on, Simon! Jenny, is everything okay? - Hi, Andy! The party's going great.
- It is? And the craziest thing happened.
The caterer said that their distributer ran out of hot dogs and hamburgers, so they sent over chicken instead.
No extra charge.
Well, that was nice-- Chicken? No extra charge? - Nobody eat the chicken! - What are you doing? The chicken is poisoned! Don't breathe! It can be airborne.
The chicken is fine.
We've been eating it for hours.
Stop him! What about that black Cadillac out front? It followed us here.
It's Cookie's car, she's my new boss.
She's right over there.
Drop it! Drop that chicken! Bye, Cookie! Honey, once again, I am so sorry that I ruined your barbecue.
It's just this case I'm working on You know what you're working on? My last nerve.
Whatever that means.
I'm feeling angry.
Well, I guess Lew just got into my head, and I got paranoid.
Oh, my God.
Lew is right! Transcor, they're everywhere.
All right, from now on, no more chicken, cement or wigs.
I should have never dragged us into this, I'll have to tell Wally to get somebody else.
What? Those animals are putting threatening notes into our mail duck and you're just gonna cut and run? - But these are dangerous animals.
- I don't care.
They made this personal.
Plus, you were trying to help your friend.
I don't know if Wally's a friend.
Half the time, I don't even understand what he's saying.
Andrew, he needs you.
What's the poor man going to do without decent poultry? Here, Mister Chicken.
Where do I start? I don't have a lead.
What's my way in? If I know Andy Barker, you'll find a way in.
Through Willy.
It's Wally.
He should change that, he's an American now.
Coming, Molly! Oh, Mother Hubbard.
Wait a minute Inspected by 78, 78, 78.
Do you see a pattern? You keep saying 78 the same way.
What are you knobs doing? We checked the dumpsters behind some of the restaurants that are getting their bad chicken from Transcor.
Transcor? I told you not to mess with them, they're too powerful.
Yeah, but I have a plan.
See, all the batches of bad chicken have been rubberstamped by the same inspector.
So they're buying the guy off.
If we can't get them for shaking people down, we can nail them for bribing a federal official.
We need to find inspector 78.
I know this sweet little felly named Dolores Freeman, work some personnel at the Federal Office downtown.
With her in my pocket, took her to Havana and gave her the time.
I'm looking for a hot number named Dolores Freeman.
Tell her Lew's here.
Tell her yourself, we got a wedgy board.
She's dead? Anything I can do for you? - You like Havana? - What? Hi, we just need to know where we can find agriculture department inspector number 78.
I'm not authorized to give that information.
- Here's your permission slip.
- Oh, God! I don't know the name of any of the inspectors.
Who does? District director Tom Larivee.
He is tan.
He wears glasses.
He has hair.
He has head hair.
Salt and pepper head hair.
He lives down at the marina.
Thanks for your help.
So long, sweetheart.
Somewhere in hell, somebody's putting the wood to a quality broad.
Look over there.
I bet that's him.
I'll grab his nuts.
No, nobody's grabbing anything.
I'll go by myself this time.
Looks like we may be here a while.
Might as well get comfortable.
You accidentally locked me out! M.
Larivee? Can I help you? I'm Andy Barker.
I'm a private I/accountant combination, - I've got a few questions for you.
- Sure.
I know this will come as a shock, but I have a suspicion that one of your inspectors, the number 78, is guilty of accepting bribes.
Really? That's awful.
Can we discuss this on my boat? Sure.
Of course, I will help in any way I can, but boy, it's hard to imagine one of my guys taking bribes.
I imagine it is.
It's quite a collection you've got there.
Thank you.
That's the actual gun Aaron Burr used to duel Alexander Hamilton.
- Really? - It was a gift from my mother when I first joined the agriculture department.
And she gave me this little sloop when I made district manager.
I see.
So then, this is all family money.
It is.
And you inspect chicken for pleasure, then? I like to use my privilege to give back to society.
You know, M.
Larivee, I don't mean any disrespect, but that's pretty hard to believe.
Although I could be convinced.
- Thanks for the coffee.
- You're welcome, Lew.
Guess you didn't need to bring sugar, you've got plenty in your shoes.
Check it out.
Either they're going to a costume party or Andy asked Daniel Boone the wrong question.
- We gotta call the Police.
- No Police.
- What the - They just screw everything up.
Lew, are you insane? Look at you.
A federal employee betraying his fiduciary responsibility.
Don't be so high and mighty.
Do you know what I have to do to inspect a chicken? It's disgusting.
they give birth and defecate through the same hole.
It's called the cloaca and it smells like this! Now get in my Bentley and shut up! Isn't the hostage suppose to drive? Nobody but me drives Lady Gabrielle.
Lew, follow them.
Good tip, Simone.
I might've just driven into the harbor.
Hang on.
Come on! Up there.
What did they bring him here? It's a chicken plant.
Maybe we should call the cops.
What? But you said you didn't want Lew? Are you scared of chickens? Yes, you are! Maybe I am.
You should be too.
They can live without a head.
Big man talking tough.
Calling me lady names.
At least, I'm not scared of an itty bitty bird.
- What did you bring him for? - He knows too much.
- He's under the whole scam.
- Then we'll have to kill him.
Or I could sign a non-disclosure agreement.
They're binding in court and they'd leave you less vulnerable to litigation.
Shoot him.
Why do I have to kill him? We've been paying you off for a long time, go ahead and earn your keep.
Wait! I could be so much more valuable to you alive.
As a qualified CPA I have the finest financial advisors money can buy.
- I don't need a bookkeeper.
- Bookkeeper? Shoot him! - What the hell? - It's Aaron Burr's.
It hasn't been cleaned in 200 years.
Go that way! Just a minute; What the hell? Give me a break, it's a fine collectible.
- They're shooting.
- Don't worry about them.
- The cops will be here any minute.
- They could be killing him.
Going somewhere, Barry? I'm guessing that laser dot means that's not an antique.
- What do we do now? - I'll create a diversion.
Oh, God! Son of a - That works.
- Come on! Go ahead! I'll hold them off! For God's sake! Lew, come on! Hey, remember me? I'm Lew Staziak, and I'm all grown up now.
Go, go.
Come on.
You'll be safe in here.
SLAUGHTER ROOM 5 Hold on! It's the end of the line, fellows.
You shouldn't have tried to mess with Transcor.
Hey, fellows.
How's it going? Freeze! Hands where we can see them! This is your quarterly tax return.
Just sign and initial where I've indicated, there.
It's my wife.
Hi, hon.
I'm a little late.
I had a walk-in client Mr.
Jim "Don't call me James" Wexler.
Yeah, we should be done here in just a sec and then I'll be home pronto.
Actually, honey, I might be a little late.