Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s01e02 Episode Script

Grief Counselor

ANDY: There's Wendy.
Even though she's going out with my friend Keith I really like her and so I always try to impress her.
Morning, Andy.
Morning, Andy.
Morning, Andy.
Morning, Andy.
Or I could just say something to impress her.
What's that horrible smell? I mean, I'm not saying it's you.
Or me.
You know what, you're crazy.
I don't smell anything.
I'm going to take all that as "Good morning, Wendy.
" Thank you.
But seriously, what is that smell? I don't know maybe somebody left food out over the weekend.
If it's someone's lunch they should've eaten it by now.
Well, maybe my taking it will teach them a valuable lesson.
Who stole my hoagie?! Have you seen my hoagie? No.
But to be fair, it is 12:10.
Whatever that smell is, I hope they get it out of here.
Unless it is you or me and then I hope they give it a raise.
Yeah, boy, that's something.
Oh, gross.
You should tell everybody so at least they stop looking for the smell.
Oh, and by the way we're all on to you with that 12:10 thing.
We figured out where that odor was coming from.
Apparently Charlie Reimer died in his office Friday night.
Oh, my God.
How did he die? Guys, it's all my fault.
I'll get some disinfectant and clean it up.
It? How can you say that? What, it's just a pile of meat that sat in a hot office all weekend.
You never know just what's around the bend Where to go and where you've been Just see the world through my eyes And I think you'd be surprised.
So, Charlie Reimer spent the whole weekend dead in his office.
I didn't really know him, but still, I felt a connection since I once fell asleep in my office and didn't wake up until Saturday.
Poor Charlie.
Poor Charlie? Poor me.
He was doing all my work.
Now I'm stuck with it.
A little compassion, Keith? The man had a heart attack.
He died, and he sat there alone for two days.
BYRON: He wasn't alone.
According to the coroner at some point, a squirrel joined him.
The real tragedy is that when he went to dial 911 he forgot to dial "9, 911.
" I sent a memo.
I guess the good news is the company is slowly weeding out people who don't read memos.
Oh, speaking of which What's this? A memo.
Remember how important it is to read them? The company's making us go to a grief counselor.
A grief counselor? What if we're not sad? It's mandatory.
They can dictate our emotions now? Let's just imagine for a moment what that would look like.
MAN(on P.
): Attention.
The following emotions will be felt by the following people: Jenkins-- bitter, Thompson-- hopeful Richter-- happy Togler-- disgruntled.
Damn! I always get disgruntled.
I'm sick of it.
They can't dictate our emotions, but they can tell us where to go, when to go there, and how long to stay.
They always tell us where to go when to go there, and how long to stay.
I'm sick of it.
Andy, I need a favor.
I'm supposed to take Wendy to this thing where they show The Sound of Music and people come dressed up in costume and sing along and gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay Anyway, Charlie died, dumped all my work on me so I can't go.
Will you take Wendy for me? Oh, my God.
A date with Wendy and The Sound of Music? These are a few of my favorite things.
The Yeah, all right, I'll take her.
But, uh, you owe me.
I'll be your butler for two weeks.
Really? You're such a liar.
No, I will.
Really? Don't ever lose that.
There was a girl whose name was Wendy And Wendy was her name-o W-E-N-D-Y, W-E-N-D-Y, W I must be at a sing-a-long because I'm following the bouncing ball.
Nothing you can say can put a damper on this day.
Wendy is not interested in you.
That's why Keith asked you to take her.
You have as much chance bedding her as a water buffalo does a beautiful young woman.
That the best you got, creep show? Face it, you are no threat.
There was a little eunuch boy, and Andy was his name-o A-N (snaps) D-Y A-N (snaps) D-Y A-N (snaps) D-Y The imaginary dead guy was right.
What am I so excited about? Nothing's going to happen.
The only play I'm getting today is that kiss on the cheek from Keith.
Jessica? I've been thinking about this whole grief counseling thing.
I really don't want to go.
You have to.
The company's worried about being held liable in case one of us has some insane reaction to Charlie's death.
I think I may have killed him.
Yeah, something nutty like that.
I'm serious.
At lunch on Friday he was complaining about his low cholesterol diet.
So I gave him my bacon chili cheese fries.
Then we had a contest to see who could do the most pushups and the prize was pie.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
With that kind of reasoning you could blame anyone for Charlie's death.
I mean right before he died I threatened to fire him because he missed another deadline.
Really? So, you killed Charlie? (sighs with relief): Oh God.
That is such a relief.
Wait a minute.
I was just trying to make a point.
I didn't kill anybody.
Oh, no, no, of course you didn't.
I didn't.
God, I feel so much better.
Now I'm actually looking forward to therapy.
Well, you shouldn't feel better.
If they did an autopsy on him they wouldn't find my yelling in his veins.
They'd find your bacon chili cheese fries of death.
You yelled at him? With his blood pressure? I did not kill Charlie.
Oh, Jessica.
Boy, grief counseling is great.
I mean, for once in my life, I just I get to say all this stuff without, you know without worrying about the person who's hearing it.
So, one time, my parents put a live snake in my pillowcase.
Yeah, my dad said that if I believed in God enough that it wouldn't hurt me.
I guess I didn't believe enough.
So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, good night I hate to go and leave this pretty sight Wow, even though Wendy and I are just friends tonight was actually a lot of fun.
Thanks, Andy.
This was great.
Yeah, for me, too.
Well, except for when those two guys dressed as Nazis cut in front of us in the beer line.
They had such an air of superiority.
I don't know why I stayed silent.
You have a really good voice.
And you're quite the confident dancer.
Even when everyone was yelling at you to sit down.
Well, I played Rolfe in our high school production.
It was either that or the drama teacher was going to release some modeling photos that he took of me.
I'll see you tomorrow, Wendy.
The sun has gone to bed, and so must I Good night Good night Good night.
Okay, what the hell was that? You saw it.
That was a real kiss, right? What am I supposed to do now? Okay, that's ridiculous.
I mean, there's no way I'd let her see me naked in all this light.
But still, what did that kiss mean? Andy? Are you just standing out there? These are my neighbors, Teak and Phil.
We were in the same frat ten years apart.
They worship me.
Hey, Andy.
Hey, Teak and Phil.
It's pretty late.
Were you out lady-fying? Lady-fying? That would mean that I was trying to turn myself into a lady.
Oh, I didn't mean that you were trying No, I was simply pointing out your misuse of your own made-up word.
Are you all right? You seem a little tweaked.
Oh, I went to this Sound of Music sing-a-long thing with somebody who's supposed to just be a friend and things got really confusing.
Oh, man, it is so nice to hear someone else talk about this.
I once had this confusing dream about my friend Chuck.
We were both polishing these huge cannons, and then ANDY: Phil My date was with a woman.
Oh, I I just remembered my friend Chuck is also a woman.
Well, anyway, the problem is is this girl Wendy is dating my buddy Keith and she kissed me and I don't know what it's supposed to mean.
PHIL: Dude, it means she likes you.
If she didn't like you, she'd slap you across the face-- hard.
Trust me.
You're Andy.
Any girl would want to be with Andy.
Teak's right.
Of course she wants to be with you.
Dude, next year, there's going to be a new TV show on called Keith and Wendy.
What are you talking about? On the History Channel.
Well, you didn't say that part.
I got it.
Teak and Phil mean well, but after a while, it's like talking to a couple of bongs.
So, I needed a more rational point of view.
What you should do is go for it.
Next year, there's going to be a new show on TV called Keith and Wendy on the History Channel.
(tape rewinding) All right, what she really said was slightly different.
I don't think you should go for it.
It sounds like she gave you a very innocent thanks-for-a-lovely-evening kiss.
Not a slappity-slappity- boogity-boogity-boom kiss.
Well, how am I going to know, if I don't try to find out? 'Cause I'm telling you.
Well, maybe you're just jealous of my relationship with Wendy and you're trying to sabotage it.
I don't think that's what happening.
You know why? Because that's kind of mentally ill.
But I'm going to go for it anyway.
There she is.
Just be yourself.
Remember, you're Andy.
Hey, Wendy.
Hi are you? I mean fine.
Exactly as I planned.
You know, I was thinking about last night Hi, guys.
and how it was kind of cold.
That was funny.
Sorry I couldn't make it to the movie last night.
I appreciate you taking Wendy.
Sure there, Buckaroo.
"Buckaroo?" What is wrong with me? I've got to calm down.
I'm sorry, honey, I can't make lunch today.
God, it's like I never see you anymore.
I know.
It's Charlie, that lazy dead guy.
I mean, aside from babies is there anyone more selfish than the dead? I'll make it up to you.
Look at that.
Now that's a slappity-slappity- boogity-boogity-boom kiss.
Let's compare it to my candy-ass kiss with Wendy that I thought was such a big deal.
Jessica's right.
Wendy's not interested in me.
Look at those two, still going at it.
Look at me-- standing there like some kind of lady-fying hall doofus.
Go home! Go! Jessica, um, I was wondering if I could get another session with that grief counselor.
Oh, sure.
Is it helping you overcome your guilt about killing Charlie? Oh, um, I don't have any guilt about killing Charlie because I am not the one who screamed at him until his heart exploded.
Okay, look, he was always missing deadlines.
I just pointed out that there would be ramifications.
Andlo,there were.
I'm going to slug you, I swear to God I am.
You know, Jessica, maybe you should go see the grief counselor.
She'll make you feel better.
Yeah-- when I was in there, I just completely unburdened myself.
You know, and no matter what I said, that woman just absorbed it and absorbed it and absorbed it Hey, did you guys hear? That grief counselor killed herself.
What? Isn't it awful? Apparently she left a note saying she just couldn't take all the sadness.
There's been a lot of talk about how hard Keith's been working.
Let's see what that looks like, since you'll never see it again in your lifetime.
Of course, he does get a little more support from the company than the rest of us.
All right, that isn't what it really looks like.
This is what it really looks like when Keith's working.
(tape rewinding) See? Not that interesting.
While Keith was working, the rest of us went to Charlie's funeral.
Okay, that's enough about Keith and Charlie.
Check out Wendy.
She's even hot when she mourns.
Why do I keep doing this? I have about as much chance with her as Charlie has of popping out of that coffin and doing the hustle.
Thanks, Charlie.
(sniffling) Okay, you got me.
I admit it, I do feel bad.
I killed Charlie.
I'd say "Sorry, Charlie" but it'd sound like I was talking to a tuna.
Well, I killed the grief counselor.
And I killed her with mypain.
Do you know what it's like to kill someone with yourpain? It hurts! But she was a complete stranger.
Charlie what's-his-name was he was a friend.
I killed my friend.
I killed my best friend.
Oh, God Hey, guys (sniffling) I couldn't help but notice-- uh, you're the only people here crying.
We're murderers.
Really? Where was I? Byron and I said some stupid things to Charlie and the grief counselor and now they're both dead.
So you guys can kill people just by saying something to them? You know, it has to be the right thing.
Well, still, I mean, you must be gods.
(chuckles): Don't hurt me.
Be merciful.
Don't smite me with your words.
Are you making fun of us? No, I really believe you're all-powerful.
In fact, to prove it, I'm going to build a temple out of shrimp in your honor in my stomach.
That was mean.
It kind of made sense, though.
I guess it does seem pretty silly to think that we could kill someone with our words.
(chuckling) Yeah.
We don't affect people like that.
We're powerless.
Just completely insignificant.
Meaningless specks in a huge, oblivious void.
We are nothing.
You know what? I'm going to go and mingle.
Hey, Andy "Hi" are you? I thought that could be our thing.
I was kind of hoping our thing would be sex, but, oh, well Hey, Wendy, so, uh, Keith working late again? Yeah, it's kind of starting to become a drag but this isn't about me.
This is Charlie's special day.
Mmm although, you know, he's so much in the middle of everything he probably can't even enjoy it.
(chuckles) Hey, do you want to get out of here and get a drink? Look! She touched me.
And she wants a social lubricant.
What does this mean? (disco music plays) Well, I hope you like this wine.
It's a '97, an amusing bouquet; a rich and vibrant aftertaste.
It's really a sassy little bitch.
A perfect complement to half a bag of cool ranch taco chips.
Also a '97.
So So So, kind of an interesting thing happened at work today-- An interesting thing happened after work, too.
Wow, I'm kissing Wendy.
This is incredible.
It's the same kind of slappity-slappity boogity-boogity-boomkiss that she hadwith Keith.
Oh, no-- Keith.
Stop it.
Don't think about him! Get back to the rumpety-pumpety with Keith'sgirlfriend! Wow.
Wendy, we can't do this.
I know.
Keith and I are really good friends.
I like Keith.
It's just that we've been spending a lot of time together these past couple of days, and this is great, too.
But just not now.
How about now? (giggles) Just kidding.
Well, it's getting late.
You should go.
I'll get you a cab.
You're one of the good guys, Andy.
And a good kisser, too.
I practiced a lot on my dolls.
And so, Wendy went back to Keith.
But for one moment, she was with me.
And I didn't even have to turn an old lady's head into a diamond to get her.