Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s01e03 Episode Script

Little Andy in Charge

ANDY: This was a very good day.
I had some exciting news about a girl I liked and I knew my friends would be eager to hear about it.
Big news, everybody! Did you talk to her? Did you ask her out? Did she say, "Yes"? Didya, didya, didya? * Things went very well * * They started off rough * * Oh, no * * But they ended up swell.
* (tape rewinding) Okay, that was the Broadway musical version.
Here's what really happened.
So, hey-- I called Leslie Clevenger.
The girl I went to high school with.
We only talked about her for like a half an hour yesterday.
Oh, yeah.
I meant to erect a monument to that conversation but I couldn't find a grade of marble boring enough.
Well, that was mean.
I know-- you're right.
I'm sorry.
I have this big meeting tomorrow and I've been a little stressed about it, but please-- continue what you were saying.
I called Leslie Clevenger Oh, not the Leslie Clevenger story again.
Are you still talking about that? I'm sorry.
I just shouldn't be around people right now.
Well, for those of you who can be around people, Leslie's this hot girl that I went to high school with, but I never had the nerve to ask her out.
But in the last month, she's come back into my life.
Andy's face lit up like a daisy when she called.
She's a rep for one of our distributors and we've been having these really great conversations on the phone.
His eyes were the size of saucers What are you doing? I'm trying to make it more colorful, so that people remember it next time but go ahead, master storyteller.
So I asked her out to dinner tonight and she said yes.
That's the end of my story.
So basically, you have a date.
Cool.
That wasn't very satisfying.
Let's go back to the Broadway version.
Big finish.
* Andy's got a date * * And I'm glad! * Got a date, yeah.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * I think you'd be surprised.
* Hey, you all right? Yeah, it's just this meeting tomorrow is a big deal.
The regional VP's going to be there.
Bob Miller, 52.
Degree in economics from Wharton.
Enjoys skeet shooting.
Has three kids: Randy, Susan and Randy? Could he have two kids named Randy? Actually, I think knowing too much about his kids might look a little creepy.
I just want to impress him.
Miller's a tough guy, but if he likes you, you can write your own ticket.
So maybe you should tell him your name's Randy.
He seems strangely drawn to that name.
I know, I seem obsessive but I just, I want to be prepared.
You're overprepared.
You just need to relax.
Hey, I'm going out with some girlfriends tonight.
You could come with us.
I can't.
Oh, hey, did you know that when skeet shooting was first invented, they used to just throw rocks up in the air.
Do you know what they shot at them with? Other rocks.
Pick me up at 8:00.
ANDY: So, here I am, waiting to meet my high school crush Leslie.
I'll bet she's still beautiful.
Women rarely change from high school to their early 30s, right? Okay, calm down.
I'm sure she's still hot.
Fine, so she's not quite as stunning as she used to be.
All in all, she's very Oh, thank God.
All right, looking good.
Who likes to party? I like to party.
Party's over.
Andy? Wow.
Say something.
Howzith.
Say an actual word.
Hi, Leslie.
It's great to see you.
It's great to see you, too.
Oh, I'm so relieved.
I thought I was going to be meeting that guy.
I'm sorry, that's really shallow, isn't it? No, you're just protecting your genetic code.
That's noble, that's what that is.
(laughs) Oh, you always could make me laugh.
You know, talking with you these last few weeks has made me sorry we didn't spend more time together in high school.
Well, you should have joined the Dungeons & Dragons Club.
(laughs) (techno music playing) You were right, I needed this.
Isn't it great? I have to go.
What? It's 11:00.
I have that meeting with the skeet shooter tomorrow.
Don't be a wussy.
If you leave now, you'll miss the foam.
The what? Whoo! Ugh Oh Jessica, come on.
You got to get to that meeting with that Miller guy.
None of that matters now.
Come on, get up.
My God, what happened to you? What do you mean, what happened to me? You dropped me off at my house at 4:00 in the morning.
And why was I wearing a shirt that said "Ass, Gas or Grass: Nobody Rides for Free"? Because you won.
Where's your lipstick? In my purse.
Where's your purse? I don't know.
All around my lipstick.
I had the best night last night.
All right, hold still.
Wow, today's pretty good, too.
MAN (droning in monotone): So, when we did a standard Pierson test on the data, the answer was yes.
Then we ran it through a computer simulation and the answer was no.
Then we ran the results through a Lieberman model and the answer was still no.
So we recalibrated a net products test and the answer was yes.
No, wait, it was no Oh, God, you're killing me.
Jessica? We've been talking about this project for six months.
We've spent as much money studying it as it would have cost to send a thousand starving kids to college.
So, come on, Miller, father of three, you big skeet shooter let's just make a decision already.
Jessica You're right, let's do this.
Really? Oh, cool.
Nick unless you want to waste more of our time, I think we're done.
Way to go.
You got Miller's attention and you got us out of here early.
Have you been kissing Wendy? It was like I was in a zone.
I was too tired to censor myself, so the moment I had a thought it just shot out of my mouth.
Usually, you're really guarded in meetings, but today you were totally reckless, like a rogue cop who plays by his own set of rules.
I was like that.
There is something about not taking things so seriously.
I told you.
You just needed to relax.
The kind of cop who'd storm an embassy banquet to thwart the gangland hit of the very mayor who wants your badge.
I totally impressed that Miller guy.
Hey, what do you say we go out tonight and celebrate? I don't know.
I don't usually party like that two nights in a row.
Come on.
I know this place where we can get in free, if we wrestle each other.
ANDY: As you can see, things have been going really well with me and Leslie.
We've had several great dates but I'll spare you all the boring stuff about getting to know each other.
All right, I'll show you one thing just because I think she's really cute when she laughs.
(laughing) What did I tell you? My laugh isn't nearly as cute.
(laughing) (gasps, choking) Isn't she great? All right, I'll show you one more thing.
(delicate sneeze) Come on, who sneezes that cute? Ah-choo! It's like a cartoon squirrel.
Oh, I could marry a girl who sneezes like that.
I really feel good about this and it's not just because we're about to have sex.
I feel like we have this amazing connection.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
When you were in the bathroom before, someone called for you.
I wrote it down.
Who was it? I don't know.
Some Jew.
Yes, we had sex over and over again, and it was fantastic-- something I'd like to do more of.
But I couldn't get her comment out of my head.
I forgot to tell you.
When you were in the bathroom before, someone called for you.
I wrote it down.
Who was it? I don't know.
Some Jew.
I know-- yikes, right? Maybe I misunderstood her.
Maybe what she really said was Some view.
Fondue? Thumbscrew? Ow.
Wow.
It could have been a lot of things.
I needed more information.
So I came up with a foolproof anti-Semitism test.
Would you like a bagel, or perhaps (German accent): a Valden-riechen- lebensraum-torte? Oh, thanks.
She has chosen the time-honored food of the Jewish people.
She's not a bigot.
Boy, those Jews are so cheap they don't even give you the middle of the bagel.
Oy.
Leslie, I got to tell you, it bothers me when you say stuff like that.
Oh, my God, you're not Jewish, are you? No, I just think it's wrong to stereotype people.
Oh I see what's going on here.
You must have some Jewish friends or something, and you feel self-conscious about it.
Wait a minute.
This is not my problem.
Andy, let's not argue.
We don't have to like the same books, the same music, the same races.
Can't we just agree to disagree about this one thing? No.
People are just people.
And that's your opinion.
All I'm asking is that you respect mine.
Oh, look, we've just had our first fight! I'm glad it was over something small.
Now get over here and let's make up.
But I can't just Wow, boobs.
Why do I keep having sex with someone whose views are so very, very wrong? I'll show you.
In this demonstration, this man represents the penis while this man represents the brain.
And begin.
And there you have it.
Oh, hey, you want to do something tonight? Yes.
Please, no dinner, no conversation, just take me straight to bed.
Boy, your life really is easy.
No, I mean I need to get some sleep.
Jessica has dragged me out four nights in a row.
She just won't stop.
She's like the Terminator, except she's not from the future and she likes to dance.
Oh, hey, honey, come here.
It's okay.
You're safe.
It's just so awful.
Shh.
Hey, guys, I did it again.
Remember how good I was yesterday? Well, double that.
Now add six, multiply it by five, and the your original number was 22.
Are you all right? Oh, I won't lie to you.
I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately and I'm a little weird.
This is all my fault.
I never should have made you come out with me the other night.
No, no, no.
It's working for me.
I feel more spontaneous or something.
Like today, at the Thursday meeting.
I'm sitting there like I do every Thursday, knowing that it's pointless, but today I said something.
I said, "Guys, the Thursday meeting is pointless" and Miller totally agreed with me.
Nick, who feels a little threatened by me started to say something, but before he could even get a word out, I said, "Buddy, drink yourself a glass of shut-up juice, 'cause we're done here!" There was some applause and we all took a Danish and left, except me.
I took an ashtray.
And stuck to the bottom, I believe this is your card-- the four of Clubs.
Thank you.
That's amazing.
You never picked a card.
Still, though, she's walking around with an ashtray with the four of Clubs stuck to the bottom.
I mean, I feel terrible.
Leslie is a total bigot.
Dump her.
ANDY: Let me finish.
And the most beautiful woman I've ever been with.
Then keep her.
Maybe you could try to help her to be more accepting of people.
That's good, too.
Well, I tried.
I told her about all the great contributions that Jewish people have made to civilization-- you know, Einstein, Freud, five of the six Three Stooges.
Shemp? ANDY: No matter what I said, though, she wouldn't change her mind.
So we just kept having sex.
I hate myself.
What should I do? BOTH: Dump her.
No, seriously, what should I do? Andy, you know it's wrong to stay with her.
So you may have to go without sex, but you can hold your head up high while you, you know, take care of your own needs.
Gosh, that sounds like fun.
Andy, staying with this woman is immoral, and you have to do the moral thing.
How about if I keep having sex with Leslie but I do a different moral thing to make up for it.
I don't know.
That sounds kind of weird.
Byron and Keith were exactly right.
I could keep dating Leslie if I could just find a way to balance the moral scales.
I want to help the Jewish people.
We offer help to all people here.
Right, right, but I specifically want to help the Jewish ones.
And so I set out to do good deeds which would allow me to do bad deeds which, frankly, were more fun.
ALL: Hey! All right, it wasn't like I was leading the Israelites to the promised land but I did take a van full of old ladies to a taping of Oprah.
Here's the van keys.
How was the show? A little slow.
The topic was "Angels.
" Again with the angels? Andrew, you have become a very great friend to us.
We are very lucky to have you.
And the children-- the children are eagerly awaiting your puppet show tomorrow night.
Oh, I'm thinking of adapting a classic fairy tale.
"Chumpty-Dumpty," he sits on the Wailing Wall.
(laughs) Very funny, professor.
Things were working out great.
I was helping others and having fantastic sex.
Plus Mrs.
Weinstein taught me how to make a fantastic, low-sodium kugel.
Leslie loved it, although I had to call it something else.
This Swiss noodle salad is wonderful.
Isn't it? Boy, those Swiss.
They're not neutral when it comes to flavor.
Mmm! Oh, hey, my boss gave me some tickets to the circus tomorrow.
Please tell me you can go.
You know what? Tomorrow night's not good for me.
I'll meet you back here afterwards, though.
Oh, please, Andy, I really want to go.
Seems like all we ever do together is have sex.
She's on to me.
That's not true.
If you want to keep seeing me, you're going to have to make more of an effort.
Come on, Andy.
Let's go to the circus tomorrow and then we'll come back here and I'll really show you the greatest show on earth.
I decided to blow off the kids' the puppet show tomorrow night, and go to the circus.
But first, I had to fake internal struggle to make myself feel better.
Hey, Wendy, you missed a great party last night.
Jessica, do you have any idea what time it is? Your meeting started, like, five minutes ago.
Big deal.
I'll be a little late.
It adds to my mystique.
I can't believe you're not exhausted.
Do you want some coffee? Are you kidding? I feel great.
I've barely slept in the last four days.
I have never been so alert.
Coffee should be drinking me.
And so if we amortize our net-expected profits against our net-anticipated profits then our gross income will be twice as much I don't know.
It looks like hummus.
No, you're an idiot.
Wow, boobs.
(snorts) If no one's going to show up, I don't know why I'm hanging around here.
Okay, this one is Samson and this one is Delilah.
Now, you know the story.
But remember, in my version, Delilah burps a lot and Samson keeps saying, "Whassup?!" I don't know why, but the kids love it.
Well, good luck.
Andrew, what are you doing? Well, I can't stay, so I showed Mort how to work the puppets.
Mort? The man is an idiot.
He probably thought you were handing him his grandchildren.
Andy, the kids were really looking forward to this.
Well, I'm sorry, Arthur, but something important came up.
Is everything all right, Andrew? Do you need a ride? Here, let me give you the keys to the van.
That is so nice.
What am I doing? I'm letting all these good people down, just so I can be with a hate-spouting hottie.
I can't do this.
I have to go.
Leave me alone.
I made the right decision.
Going to the circus with Leslie was fun, except, sometimes, I think clowns are the saddest people in the world.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you'll turn your attention to the center ring, you'll see the amazing, the mystifying Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Andy, what's wrong? Tragedy under the big top.
Nothing, uh just just give me a second.
I couldn't go on.
The truth was I just didn't find Leslie attractive anymore.
This doesn't usually happen.
That's okay.
We can just talk.
Actually, I can't keep seeing you.
No, let me finish.
Leslie, the human spirit was meant to soar on wings of love, not crawl through the muck of intolerance.
All people are beautiful-- a glorious rainbow of colors and ideas; a living stained-glass window of diversity; and because you don't see that, we can never be together.
Here are your clothes and a map of the fastest way out of the building.
Okay, that's what I wish I'd said-- but saying something like that is really hard and scary, so what I said was That's okay.
We can just talk.
Actually, I just remembered I got to drive my cousin to the airport.
This may look like I'm running away in my underwear, but, actually, I'm doing something very moral, because after spending the night out, I never called Leslie again.
Oh, and two weeks later, I met a really cute Jewish girl at the community center.