Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s01e04 Episode Script

The Second Episode

Previously on Andy Richter Controls the Universe: (alarm clock ringing) (alarm turns off) ANDY: I woke up.
Got something out of my ear and went into my kitchen where a team of government scientists were waiting to analyze it.
Confirming what had been suspected, it was immediately flown to Washington where it addressed a joint session of Congress.
Nervous and inexperienced, it opened with an ethnic joke and was never taken seriously again.
(alarm clock rings) (alarm turns off) Okay, other than digging this thing out of my ear none of this really happened.
Here's all you need to know.
(elevator bell dings) I'm a writer.
Short stories, long stories sometimes stories of medium length.
Until I can make a living at it I write technical manuals for a giant company.
This is my boss, Jessica.
She can hold perfectly still.
So can this guy.
This is Byron, the new person they're making me share my tiny office with.
I like him, but not as much as I like Wendy, the new receptionist.
She's nice and really pretty.
But she's going out with this guy.
Although, you never know with relationships, so maybe I have a shot at Wendy.
I just wanted to see her again.
And this is Mr.
Pickering.
He founded the company in 1880.
Wow! You mean, he's over 170 years old?! No, he's dead.
He's in my imagination.
Remember: Alive.
Alive.
Alive.
Handsome.
Alive.
Dead.
Now you're up to speed.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * I think you'd be surprised.
* (doorbell rings) I'm not going to comment on every little thing.
I'm having coffee, and the doorbell rang.
Like your lives are so exciting.
Yeah? Oh, my God.
I told you it was him.
I can't believe it.
I've seen a lot of things in my life.
I've backpacked through Asia.
I've bow hunted with Ted Nugent.
I've cradled a Sherpa as he died in my arms.
I've Who are you? We're your new neighbors.
I'm Teak.
This is Phil.
We just graduated Northwestern.
We were in your frat, Beta Delta Pi.
You know, guys, those days aren't ones that I'm particularly proud of.
You should be.
You were a legend at that frat.
We've seen all the pictures.
The time you wrestled the bear.
Naked.
The time you climbed outside the library.
Naked.
The time you changed the oil in your car.
Totally nude.
All right.
I was very comfortable with my body in college.
That's all you need to see of these guys.
Let's go to work.
There's Wendy-- so sweet, so lovely.
In my day, five dollars would have been more than enough to soil a woman like that.
Ew! I don't want to soil a woman like that.
I want to soil that woman but in a nice way: a few romantic evenings a couple walks on the lakefront.
Or for ten dollars, you could soil her twice.
You are creepy.
And you have no idea what things cost nowadays.
Hey, Wendy.
How's it going? Andy, hi.
Things are going well.
The phones have been a little crazy, but, hey, I'm a receptionist, so phones are my thing.
Yeah, phones are great.
They're one of my favorite ways of talking to someone who's not there.
So, things are going really well with me and Keith.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You were right.
He is a good guy.
I think we're going to start getting serious.
Well, that's great.
(laughs) Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I know you've been waiting.
I haven't been waiting.
All right, I've been waiting.
I mean, I didn't want to come on too strong, 'cause I didn't know where things stood between you two guys, but, I mean yeah, I do like you, and I want to go out with you.
I'll connect you now.
Oh, God.
She was talking to someone on the phone.
You've been waiting for me? Look how fast I can walk.
I could be in the Olympics.
All I'd have to do is find an event where you say something stupid to women and then try to get away.
Finally, my office, where I can be alone.
Except for Byron, who they jammed in there with me.
BYRON: Hi, Andy.
We have a new office mate.
Now there are three people in this office.
Isn't that something? This is impossible.
No, it's possible.
It's cruel, like man's treatment of livestock but it is possible.
See? We're doing it.
(guffawing) It's gonna be fine.
When I was in the Army we'd sleep a hundred guys in a room just like this.
Three people in here is nothing.
(loud chuckle) I'm Andy by the way.
(clicking tongue) His name is Andy.
Like you.
Won't that be fun? We figured we'd just call you "Big Andy.
" Huh? (laughing loudly) There is a new guy in my office.
Weren't you just in here last week complaining about the same thing? Yes.
Because it also happened to me last week.
Still, there's starting to be a sameness to your complaints, which-- and I say this as a friend-- is getting a little off-putting.
Jessica, I'm living like veal.
Okay.
There is a temporary shortage of office space, which may or may not be permanent.
but I promise you this: There will never be more than three people in that office unless something changes.
Here are those files for the 4:00 meeting.
Hey, Big Andy.
I am not "Big Andy.
" Since when? I was never"Big Andy.
" I don't think I'd make something like that up.
Look, I was here first.
I mean, why can't he be "New Andy"? Or I'll be Andy, and he can be "Black Andy.
" We can't run around calling somebody "Black Andy.
" All right, but still I don't want to share my office with another person.
Weren't you running around last week yelling about the same thing? I told him.
The rest of my day felt pretty much like this.
ANDY: Look at me.
I can't even turn around.
ANDY #2: Aw (chortling) This is nothing! I once lived with a thousand cows in one room, with no toilets.
(guffaws) BYRON: I'm freaking out.
Wouldn't it be nice to be my neighbors, Teak and Phil? Just out of college.
Clueless.
Playing video games all morning.
Maybe spending an hour a day trying to figure out what to do with their lives.
Then taking a nap.
Then playing more video games, until (in unison): Andy's home.
Hey, Andy.
Andy.
Hey, Teak and Phil.
May we come in? Sure.
Cool apartment.
Is this an original? The mirror? I don't think it's the original mirror, if that's what you're asking.
Cool.
So, we're having a party Friday night, and we were wondering if you'd like to attend.
Oh, you know, I'm sorry I can't on Friday.
What if we moved it to Saturday? Or any other night you're available? Guys, you know, I had a really hard day at work, so Yeah, you look a little sad.
What are they doing to you at that place? "That place"? You know where I work? No.
I just assumed you worked at a place.
Was I right? I work for a huge company and today they shoved some new guy up my butt.
Not literally.
Although I'm sure that is a weapon we're developing.
They can't treat you like that.
You're Andy.
And our Andy must be respected.
Our Andy once wrestled a bear.
Naked.
Our Andy once climbed I kid you not.
This went on for 15 minutes.
But Teak and Phil were right.
I should be respected.
And the next morning I was going to get that respect.
Morning, Large Andy.
It's Big Andy.
Morning, White Andy.
(groaning) Morning, White Andy.
Morning, Bob.
My planned called for a multipronged attack.
The first prong would be to convince my best friend Keith that he had to take in one of my office mates.
Why would I do that? Yeah.
The second, and sadly, last prong of my attack called for enlisting Byron's help.
Morning.
Where's Andy? He stepped out for a minute.
You know, I've been talking to him and he is really a good guy.
He's always laughing and making jokes.
Yes, he's a wonderfulman.
And if he were filled with helium and floated around the ceiling, we could keep him.
But since he's not, he's got to go.
Actually, I've decided that I'm going to accept the situation.
See, I found that acceptance is perhaps the most important element to living a happy and peaceful life.
Which is so much what I want right now.
Well, want something else because we're going to war over this.
I don't like war.
I'm not really comfortable being a hero ora coward so war is a no-win for me.
I know.
You're gentle and reasonable.
Which is why it will mean so much more when you scream at Jessica.
Hey, Grande Ande! Hey, Fatso Jessica! Huh? How do you like it? Fatso Fatty Fatso Fat-Fat.
What are you doing? Jump in here, Byron.
I don't think you're fat.
I needed to get out of there.
I needed to be someplace where I would be respected, appreciated, adored, pampered.
Andy's here! The real Andy, or the sculpture we had made? All right! The real one! That night, Teak and Phil threw a party in my honor.
Most of the guys who came were from the frat and they really looked up to me.
Watch this: I'm getting to the end of my joke.
(laughter) They loved it, and they didn't even know who Helen Keller was.
There was a lot of camaraderie.
See, the fraternity system is based on the Greek code of loyalty and honor.
The Greeks were an ancient civilization with complex rituals that we shouldn't question.
Okay, the evening degenerated into a homoerotic dog pile.
But it was a homoerotic dog pile built on respect.
(rock music playing) (doorbell rings) I drank way too much at Teak and Phil's party.
But the next morning I woke up, happy and refreshed.
You were expecting me to feel hung over, right? Well, last night I was part of something, and even though drinking is wrong and should never be done under any circumstances, I really felt good.
Howdy, boys.
You ready? For what? Remember? We were going to take a road trip into the Illinois heartland, do some fishing check out the outlet malls.
You said you always wanted to catch a bass and that you needed socks.
Oh, yeah, but I-I got to work today.
Don't you guys work? We set up Web sites.
Most of the people who do that are extremely irresponsible, so if we flake out, it's totally cool.
You know what? I am going to take the day off.
I mean, they don't care about me at work, anyway.
Let the other Andy pick up the slack.
Yeah while this Andy picks up slacks at the outlet mall.
Dude, that's hilarious.
Seriously.
ANDY: So, I blew off my job and ventured into the Illinois heartland.
The fishing wasn't that great but the sock-buying was fantastic! Plus, I really wanted them to miss me at work.
Here's what I imagined it looked like.
Hey, Wendy.
What's wrong? Andy didn't come in today.
And he didn't even call.
I just hope he's all right.
Andy? My best friend? This is all my fault.
I should have taken in one of his office mates.
And now no one knows what's happened to him.
Morning! And yet you live! No, Keith! (groans) It's my fault.
I should have gone out with Andy.
He's so masculine and super sexy.
And those lips Wow, don't get me started.
(laughing loudly) I'm so friendlyand nice blah, blah, blah! Would you shut up?! Oh-oh-oh-oh The original Andy is somuch better than you.
I, and I alone, am responsible for Andy's suffering.
And if anything happens to him-- especially those lips-- I willkill myself.
I can't believe he's actually gone! What'll I do? (ragtime intro plays) * I'll spend the day by the seaside * * I'll spend the day by the shore * When we stopped at the Underwear Barn I broke down and called Jessica just so she wouldn't worry.
This is Jessica.
Hey, Jessica, it's Andy.
Oh, Andy, thank God.
Don't worry, I'm okay.
Listen, can you bring me the revised text for page 44B? I'd come get it but I'm swamped.
Come get it? Are you aware that I'm not there today? What are you talking about? I spoke to you this morning getting coffee.
No, you didn't.
We talked about your shoes.
You said they were hurting your feet.
That was yesterday.
Your brown shoes-- the new ones.
I'm notthere today.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure! Oh, come on.
This is all because you have to share your office? It is not just the office.
You didn't even notice that I didn't come in today.
Well, I may not come in tomorrow, either.
Or the day after that.
Or the day after that.
Andy, the day after tomorrow is Saturday.
None of us are coming in.
Well, I may never come in again, so you can just kiss these beautiful lips good-bye.
Beautiful lips? Hey, did you guys know Andy didn't come in to work today? He's here; we were just talking about how his shoes were hurting his feet.
No, apparently, that was yesterday.
Are you sure? So, he didn't come to work because of his shoes? No, I think it's more serious than that.
Well, I hope so because these pants are excruciating,and I'm here.
ANDY: These would be my friends now, and I would be their leader.
And like all great leaders I would be kind and benevolent.
and pander to the lowest common denominator.
Group (chanting): Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! (doorbell ringing) (group cheering) We're here to see Andy.
Excellent.
Right now he's trying to prove that it ispossible to drink a gallon of milk in an hour.
Behold.
(group cheering) (cheering wildly) It can't be done.
The body can't process lactose that quickly.
Really? What happens? (laughter) Andy! Yes! Yes! Way to go, Andy! (cheering continues) I so made the right choice.
Andy is that the shirt I loaned you? What are you guys doing here? You're being stupid.
No, technically, that would be what I'm doing here.
Fine.
We want you to leave all this and come back to work tomorrow Andy.
Real Andy.
Only Andy.
Milk-fed Andy.
Dude, you can't go back to work tomorrow.
You were going to show us how to break into Wrigley Field.
Yeah.
We were going to take batting practice and shower in the locker room.
And run bare-assed through the stands.
We need you, man.
GUYS: Yeah! Will you get the new guy out of my office? I can't do that.
Then I'm staying.
GUYS: Yeah! Hey, you guys want to come with us and watch Andy wrestle a bear? A real bear, or-or does he mean, like, "your demons"? No, a real bear.
I I did it once back in college.
I promised these guys I'd do it again if they could find me one.
They found me one.
Andy, don't wrestle a bear.
The plastic surgeons on our health plan suck.
Remember how handsome O'Connor was before he tried to pet the cougar? TEAK: Don't worry.
Phil found a trained bear.
It's supposed to be very nice.
Unless it feels threatened.
Won't wrestling with it make it feel threatened? What am I? A veterinarian? I don't know what bears think.
ANDY: One of the guys had access to a gym and Phil knew a guy with a bear, only the bear was at a private party that night.
Apparently, you have to book bears in advance.
Anyway, Phil didn't want to return empty-handed so he brought back-- well, I'll just show you-- a boxing kangaroo.
Aren't kangaroos vicious? No.
Look at him.
They're funny.
(crowd cheering) I can do this.
How tough can he be? He's got a pouch that's practically a purse.
Ooh, you going to hit me with your purse? MAN: Show time.
(crowd cheering) Come on! Knock him out! Stick up! Knock him out! All right, all right! Come on! Andy! Andy! What? Don't worry about his hands.
Keep your eyes on his feet.
Keep your eyes on his feet.
(crowd shouting encouragement) Are you even listening to me? It's his feet-- he uses his feet! I know he uses his feet! He might as well use a gun.
Just staydown.
Do I get my office back? I can't promise you that.
Well, you're going to feel pretty bad when my head flies off and hurts someone.
KEITH: Here comes the foot.
Protect your head.
Protect your head! CROWD (chanting): Andy! Andy! Andy! CROWD: Oh (birds chirping) VOICE: You're being an idiot.
ANDY: God, is that you? Please make it stop hurting down there.
VOICE: It's not God, you sack of goo.
It's me.
So, your friends took you for granted.
Big deal, it happens.
Obviously, they care about you, or they wouldn't be here.
You think? I do, and you know it, too.
You're the smartest kangaroo I've ever met.
Thank you, but you must not know too many of us because in the kangaroo world, I'm borderline retarded.
Why do you think I have to box humans for a living? ANDY: Apparently, a severe blow to the groin can make you imagine all kinds of things.
But the kangaroo was right.
My friends did care about me and they proved that the next day when I came in to work and the other Andy was gone.
It was a group effort.
Wendy heard about an open office on the eighth floor and Keith charmed them into going along with it.
I called Personnel and Byron helped Other Andy move.
They all went to bat for me and I felt really good-- until that afternoon when one of my testicles turned blue and required emergency surgery.
(cheering) Andy, come on, man! (cheering continues) BYRON: Hold still, or he'll kick you.