Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s01e05 Episode Script

Gimme a C

ANDY: Who's this? That's not me.
Don't worry.
It's all going to be explained.
This is Lemuel Praeger-- and vice president in charge of making our lives miserable.
But where am I? Am I in my office? No.
Am I in this drawer? No.
Am I disguised as this penguin? No.
Here I am, heating up my tea.
There's a staple in that tea bag, and I don't even care.
Are we out of cream? Oh, yeah-- Praeger asked me to write a memo about that.
He has decreed no more cream.
Ever? In the whole world? He's that powerful? We are not robots.
We need cream.
This is ridiculous.
What's next? Holding hot coffee in our cupped hands? I say it's time to fight! (cheering) Come on! Okay, when I say "come on," that means you all have to come.
Praeger, we need to talk to you.
ANDY: Remember this guy? See how everything ties together? Praeger's been driving us crazy for weeks, cutting costs in really obnoxious ways.
First he had motion sensors installed in the lights.
You stay still longer than 20 seconds Damn it.
Then Praeger discovered he'd save money on the night crew by having repairs done during the day.
(coughing): Excuse me, excuse me! Are you sure it's okay for me to be sitting here? Oh, my God, have you been here the whole time? Yes.
Then you're fine.
Okay, they were really just changing a light bulb but the guy was on a ladder and somebody could have gotten hurt.
We are sick of your cost-cutting.
We want our cream back and our forks, knives and spoons.
No more sporks and spnives and knifoons.
It's like a Dr.
Seuss kitchen down there.
ANDY: You know what I think? I think somebody's getting kickbacks from the company for pinching pennies and I think that somebody is you.
Ooh, you caught me, Fatlock.
(chuckling): Fatlock.
That's funny.
Sorry, it's clever word play.
Of course I'm benefiting.
My bonus is tied directly to how much I save the company.
But it's not fair if you make money off our suffering.
It's called capitalism, Bambi, and it's the best damn system on earth.
How much can you possibly be saving by cutting off our cream? What? What? Thank you.
We're not afraid of you, Praeger.
We're just powerless and that makes us dangerous, right guys? By the way, I'm cutting back on janitorial, so you're going to have to take turns cleaning your kitchen area.
Excellent.
Okay, when I say, "Right, guys?" you're supposed to yell a bunch of supportive things.
You go! You bet! It's too late.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * I think you'd be surprised.
* ANDY: I can't believe they're making us clean up after ourselves.
This company is becoming more and more like my mom.
Dunbar? This guy hasn't been here for two years.
I wonder if this is his lunch or I finally found out what happened to him.
I'll wager that none of your lunches have been left in there.
Good one, Dracula.
Oh, this is disgusting.
I shouldn't have to do this.
Oh, boo-hoo.
In my time, we used to work people 16 hours a day and they were happy to do it because it meant they didn't have to go to grammar school.
Want to see how they made a sandwich 20 years ago? Anything new here? Oh, yes, my friend.
When did you become Goldfinger? I came up with a little payback for our friend Praeger.
Really? You? But you're a coward.
Not in the safety of my own office.
This is Praeger's office before and after.
Before after.
I like this.
Our sweet Byron came up with an idea for revenge? You don't poke the bear.
The only problem is I'm management, and there's a whole chapter in the manual about how we're not supposed to participate in shenanigans.
In fact, technically, I'm supposed to report you if I detect even a whiff of shenaniganism and this is definitely Okay, I'm in.
ANDY: I bet you want to know what our plan was to get back at Praeger.
Well, I'm not going to tell you.
Okay, I'll give you a little taste.
This is Praeger's reaction when he sees what we've done.
Sorry, that's all you get.
He's still there.
That's crazy.
He's always gone by 6:00.
How do you know? You're always gone by 5:00.
Once I over-napped.
One of us has to get him out of there so we can do this thing.
Yeah, but which one of us is going to do that? Not it.
Not it.
Not it.
Not it.
What? Just like drama camp.
I space out for one second and end up spending the whole summer tap dancing with a giant pumpkin on my head.
What? Okay, I better start thinking of a plan.
So, what was that, a phone call? I get those.
What? So, uh want to go with me to get something to eat? Why? Because I really respect you? And I desperately want you to like me? So, please, allow me to buy you a steak or anything else that you want for up to 19 dollars.
At first, dinner was a little awkward.
But then we found out we had some things in common.
I love beef.
Yeah, I love beef, too.
You ever had Kobe beef? That's the beef from cows that the Japanese feed beer to and massage? Oh, my God.
When I eat that stuff, I wish they'd won the war.
(laughs) This is nice-- going out to dinner with someone from the office.
I always thought everyone at work hated me.
(scoffs) We don't hate you.
We need more manure! Oh, this is great! You can't even tell this is his desk! Whee! Wendy! You do know what manure is, right? Yeah, but they clean it, don't they? If they cleaned it, it wouldn't exist.
So, basically we're spending an evening knee-deep in poo.
Who's this joke on, anyway? Don't worry, Praeger is going to suffer plenty.
My doom room stank for a month.
But I'm over it.
And where are those guys now? Lawyers, doctors, Matt Damon-- big deal.
I know, it's hard to believe but Praeger and I were actually having fun.
(chuckling) (laughing) Yeah, I haven't laughed this much in a long time.
Well, you should loosen up a little.
No, it's not that.
I have cancer.
(laughing) No, I'm serious.
I have cancer.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I haven't told many people about it.
But for some reason, I feel comfortable with you.
But please, keep it to yourself, okay? Sure.
Sweet bearded Jesus.
This guy's got cancer, and we're filling his office with BM.
I got to go.
Oh.
I've made you uncomfortable.
Don't be silly.
I'm having a great time.
Okay, then, I got to go.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God Clean the manure up! Get it out of here! What? We just He's got cancer! I feel terrible.
The man has cancer and look what we did to his office.
I can't believe it.
I've got powdered turd in my hair for no good reason.
Your hair? I have so much dung down my pants I could grow daisies out my ass.
What are you doing? ANDY: Here's that look, remember? Although it's got a little twist to it now that we know he has cancer.
Praeger, I'm so sorry.
We never would have done this had we known that You told them? No, she was going to say "Had we known that you do not like manure in your office.
" Oh, Andy, I'm so disappointed.
The next day we were all sitting around like this.
Actually it was more like this.
Anyway, we all felt awful about what we'd done, especially me.
We don't deserve cream.
Yes, we do.
Okay, granted, we did engage in bad shenanigans, but it's not like we're Stalin or somebody.
Tim Stalin in accounting? Yeah.
Tim Stalin in accounting.
That was the worst Stalin I could think of.
Guys, we have to do something to make this up to Praeger.
Can't we just avoid him till he dies? Keith! I'm sorry.
I don't do well with disease.
It makes me think of my own mortality, and I don't like that.
I don't know what he's worried about.
If Keith's death is anything like his life here's what it's going to look like: Here's Keith at 93 years old.
Looks good, huh? And here's how he dies.
Oh, my God, three hours? Thank you.
And here's how I'm going to check out.
We've taken off all your arms and legs but we still haven't determined the problem.
I understand.
Hey! I don't need your attitude.
A pack of hungry rats has taken over the hospital! Run! Run! Rats? If they catch me with this cheese, they'll eat me alive.
And two weeks later I'm dead.
Praeger, we're all real sorry about last night.
If there's anything we can do, just tell us.
Yeah, okay.
How about tonight you don't fill my office with caca? Seriously, Praeger, we want to make it up to you.
Yeah, let us do something.
Okay.
I've always wanted to meet Crocodile Dundee.
What? I want to meet Crocodile Dundee.
You mean, Paul Hogan? Yeah, that sounds about right.
I love those movies.
He's such a fish out of water.
(Australian accent): "That's not a knife.
Now, this is a knife.
" God, he cracks me up.
Make that happen.
Not it.
Not it.
Not it.
So, buddy, you wanted to see me? Yeah, here's the deal.
I was thinking of other things that might cheer me up, and I want to have sex with Jessica.
How about you set that up for me, huh? Not it.
It's just well, uh "Well, uh" Fine.
Forget it.
Blow me off.
No, no, no.
Uh Look, I just thought that since you betrayed my confidence and did this horrible thing, you might want to do something nice for me.
But you don't, and that's between you and your God, and I'll be sure to give him your regards when I see him.
Do you want a pony? Because we have a free one coming since we bought all that manure.
So, Praeger, boy, that is something, huh? It's a shame.
You know, speaking of Praeger even though he's busy having cancer, he still finds time to say nice things about you.
Oh, God, where's this going? He wants to have sex with you.
You'd be on your way home in five minutes.
Well, you've just thought of everything and I even get to go to his house.
I can make that go away.
Andy, it's not going to happen.
Okay, look, I know, I know, it's a precious gift, but it's not like you haven't given it out before.
All I'm saying is just start with a neck rub and see where it leads.
Well, how about I grab you by the neck and shake you like a chicken? Save the dirty talk for Praeger.
Okay, first of all and secondly, Praeger's really milking this.
Do you know that he blows off work every day for a few hours and I've had to pick up the slack? He's probably going to his treatments.
You know, I wouldn't put it past him to be faking this whole thing.
I mean, how do we know for sure that he even has cancer? How dare you?! That man is a hero! A hero! What has he ever done? He has a disease! Okay, you know what? Maybe that doesn't make him a hero, but he's still more of a hero than that kid that fell down the well, and they made six TV movies about that kid.
Okay, tell you what.
You push Praeger down a well, I'll think about it.
No, that's okay.
I understand.
Hey.
So the Make a Dream Foundation can't deliver Paul Hogan.
Apparently, no one has ever dreamed that before.
Well, I tracked down Paul Hogan's manager.
Really? God, that's great.
Is that the phone number? No, that's not a phone number.
(Australian accent): Now, that's a phone number.
(chuckles) Get it? Like Crocodile Dundee.
I don't remember that part.
We were all working really hard to help Praeger.
Even Keith.
Want to talk about the, uh, cancer? Okay.
For Keith, that was like building houses with Jimmy Carter.
Ow! What? A lapdance.
I mean, you can touch him.
He can't touch you.
I'll be there the whole time.
Stop it.
You're so scared of me.
We got a surprise.
A special visitor for Praeger.
You guys got Crocodile Dundee? No, his manager said he was too busy but we got somebody even better.
That kid that fell down the well? Ladies and gentlemen It's Erik Estrada.
It's Ponch from Chips! You're, like, my favorite Latino guy.
Here you go, son.
I couldn't bear to see you sick.
Oh, cool! Ponch got me a bear.
Now, you're going to get through this, slugger.
Hey-- (makes static sound) to pull over this cancer and give it a citation! That's great! Excuse me, Mr.
Estrada.
I'm sorry, but this is not the gentleman you're here to see.
Andy, give back the bear.
This is the cancer guy.
Praeger, we brought someone special to meet you.
I told you I wanted Crocodile Dundee.
Not this.
We couldn't get Crocodile Dundee.
But he brought you this bear.
Wow, a bear.
I'm all better now.
Jessica, I want that report on my desk by the time I'm back from my treatment.
Can somebody pick that up? I have cancer.
I am so sorry, Mr.
Estrada.
Ay, por Dios I'm never going to do these things anymore I can't believe Praeger snubbed Erik Estrada like that.
Guys, I'm telling you, I don't even think he's really sick.
Stop it, Jessica.
Nobody would lie about a thing like that.
Unless he's using us to run around and do all these favors for him.
Well, maybe if we all were doing favors for him, he wouldn't be such a cranky pants.
Right, this is all my fault.
We wouldn't be in this mess if only I was a big slut.
WENDY: I don't think he's lying.
He's been going to cancer treatments every day.
I don't know about that.
Tim Stalin in accounting said he saw him going to some seedy building the other day.
Definitely wasn't a medical office.
I'm going to go get the address from Praeger's assistant.
She owes me a favor.
Really? Mrs.
Billingham? She's such an old shrew.
Why would she owe you a favor? Oh, she had the sniffles once so I did her.
Here it is-- 504.
Look at this place.
There's no way these are doctor's offices.
Praeger's totally scamming us.
I can't believe I opened up to him like I did.
Did you smell that? Massage oil? Praeger, get out here! We're on to you! Praeger! Guys, this has got to be the wrong address.
I'm telling you, Praeger's at his doctor's.
There's no way he's in there.
(gasping) What are you guys doing here? WOMAN: Lemuel, I'm ready for you.
You liar! You don't have cancer! You've been lying, manipulating us! Slipping out in the middle of the day to have sex with your lying whore! All right, I want you people out of here.
Mr.
Praeger, is everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine.
Guys, this is Dr.
Lee, my homeopathic doctor.
Oh, no.
That probably means she's not a prostitute.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Sorry.
ANDY: Praeger, we're all really sorry.
In fact, your co-payment for this visit is on us.
I'll consider us even after you deliver that thing we talked about earlier, and I'm going to need it twice now.
That thing? All right, wait a minute.
You know, just because you have a terrible illness doesn't mean it's okay for you to be an assbag! We're all real sorry that you're sick but we're done jumping through hoops for you.
You're a miserable, miserable man and you're not getting that thing! That thing? Fine.
I get it.
What about this little bottle rocket? I don't care what any of you say.
He's going to know it's us.
All right, desk looks good.
Let's get started on his car.