Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e02 Episode Script


Hey, Andy, will you look at my back? Actually, Byron, the phrase is "watch your back" and yes, no matter what happens No.
I mean actually look at my back.
See, I took a nap this weekend with the shades open and the sun focused through my ant colony like a magnifying glass and burned a hole through my shirt.
Wow, that is weird.
Although it is kind of funny, you know-- ants burning a person with a magnifying glass.
Yeah, well, I got back at them pretty good, but the worst part is I have to change the dressing every three hours.
Would you help me? I can't reach.
ANDY: This is what it's all about.
Helping your friend in a time of Oh, my God! It's hideous! How's it look? Fine.
Hey, Jessica.
Here's the thing from the place.
My ant colony set my back on fire.
No, I'm fine.
Is something wrong? Okay, Tommy and I broke up.
Who's Tommy? That cute doctor I met a couple of weeks ago.
He said it bothered him that I didn't like his cat.
I thought you Let me finish.
His cat, which he kept in his freezer and apologized to every time we made love.
Jessica hasn't always had the best luck when it comes to men.
Hey, honey, I'm ready to go.
Jessica, I'm in a meeting.
But you're Sweetie, this isn't going to work if we don't trust each other.
Alex, I really respect (show tunes playing on TV) that you want to wait, but we've been going out for two months.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just feeling a little fat right now, okay? You know, maybe I don't need to be in a relationship.
Lots of things don't have relationships.
Trees, shrimp, ketchup, wallpaper.
What is this list I'm making? Poor Jessica.
I really wanted to help.
Luckily, later that day, I found the perfect man for her.
(clearing throat) Ah, I don't want to meet anybody.
Maybe I should just take a break for a while.
Come on, this guy has a lot going for him particularly the fact that you didn't choose him.
Well that does sound good.
Is he cute? Is he cute? He's one of the cutest guys I've ever seen.
He's tall and he's rugged.
Oh, and his butt.
Imagine the finest ass you've ever seen.
Now double it.
What are you doing? I don't know.
This is all very new.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * And I think you'd be surprised.
* So the burn on my back started to fester, but getting a private nurse for the night was way too expensive, so I hired a prostitute to change the dressing every three hours.
She did it once and left.
She said it was the ninth most disgusting thing she had ever been asked to do.
And how was your weekend? We played tennis.
What's that smell? Does it smell like a crab died in yogurt? Because that might be my back.
What are you saying "ow" for? I kissed you.
You okay, man? Well, I was just trying to thank you for setting me up with Ben.
He is fantastic.
So, is he cute? Is he cute? He's one of the cutest guys Dude.
The only strange thing is sometimes he's fascinating and witty, and other times it's like trying to make conversation with a really stupid hammer.
It's the same with sex.
Sometimes he's spectacular, and then other times, it's like he just kind of forgets how things work.
That's not so strange.
Once, I forgot how to use pants.
Of course, I might have been depressed.
(crying): Show me! Show me! (crying) What kind of monster are you?! Anyway, Ben is great, and I owe it all to Andy.
You know, I wasn't going to say anything in front of Jessica, but I don't like that Ben.
He and his twin brother are always hanging out at the bar, trying to get me to join them in making fun of the less handsome.
I won't play.
Wait, Ben has a twin? Are they identical? To each other? Absolutely.
To other sets of twins? Doubt it.
Didn't you hear what Jessica said? About how sometimes Ben seems like he's one person and then sometimes he seems like he's another person.
I think Ben and his twin are sharing Jessica.
Hey, Andy, how's that going crazy thing working out for you? Yeah, you do sound a little paranoid.
Sounds like the time you thought you figured out the true identity of the sandwich guy.
(squeaking) Hitler! That was so embarrassing.
What? You think when Hitler comes, he's just going to goose-step in in uniform? I'm sorry.
"When" Hitler comes? Byron hired a prostitute to clean his wound.
"Clean his wound"? That is the worst euphemism for sex I've ever heard.
No, she literally cleans the wound on his back.
Oh Then why'd you say it all sexy like that? You think everything I say is sexy.
Here, try this.
Byron has a big, pussy burn on his back, and I'm going to ask him to stay at my place for a while so that I can change his rancid bandages.
You still sound hot.
Listen, why don't I stay with you for a while and we can take care of the little guy together? Really? You'd do that? We took care of your neighbor's cactus for a week.
That wasn't anywhere near as hard as I thought it would be.
Yeah, but we did kill it.
Remember, you gave it that milkshake? Oh, yeah, but Byron likes milkshakes.
Got everything you need, cowboy? Oh My grandfather used to call me "cowboy," but he was crazy.
The year before he died, he just called me, "Gaah.
" "Gaah"? Yes, Bumpa? Okay, so your painkillers are starting to kick in.
BYRON: Wendy! Keith! Keith, it's 2:00.
It's your turn to change Byron's bandage.
BYRON: I need changing.
And some juice.
Hmm? What is he doing here? He said he had a bad dream.
Can't he go back to his own bed? You can try.
No! The next day, I was still worried about Jessica.
I was sure she was being dated by two separate but identical men, but how can I prove it? My plan was simple.
I would inject Ben with a radioactive isotope.
(grunting) (yelling) The next time this "Ben" came to pick up Jessica, I would surreptitiously take a small blood sample.
(yelling) Unfortunately, there was a lot of running and stabbing in this plan, so I came up with another idea.
When Ben came to pick up Jessica, I made a point of mentioning my grandmother's age.
Then, the next time Ben took Jessica out, I would see if he remembered how old Granny Richter was.
Hey, Ben.
Or, as my 84-year-old grandmother would say, "Hey, Ben, I'm 84.
" Hey, Andy.
Did I say my grandmother was 84? Because I meant 84.
(laughing) Hey, Ben.
I'm ready to go.
about how old my 84-year-old grandmother is.
She can't even walk 'cause she's 84.
The trap had been laid.
The next night I arranged to run into Jessica and her precious boy-toy so I could bring my plan to its wickedly delicious conclusion.
Now I just sound gay.
Hey, Keith.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I should be at Wendy's helping to take care of Byron.
Listen, have Jessica and that so-called "Ben" showed up yet? I don't know.
Why don't I check the bottom of this glass? No, not there.
ANDY: Pst.
Jessica's coming.
Act like we're talking.
Actually, we are.
Hurry! * La, la, la, la, la, la, la * * La, la, la (laughs) Sardines-- they're lucky to even be a fish.
Oh, hey, Jessica, Ben.
Hi, you guys.
I'll get us some drinks.
So, how's it going? Great.
And now I will expose this alleged Ben by showing that he doesn't know the age of a certain grandmother.
So, Ben, uh, you remember the other day when you and I were talking about my 84-year-old grand Damn it! So much for my dream of ever becoming a spy.
Go on.
Get your drinks.
I'm done with you.
Oh, I almost got those guys.
Yeah, Chicago, please connect me to Ben Hoffensteader.
You really need to know Jessica's okay, huh? Well, of course.
It's Jessica.
And I just know they're doing this.
It's so obvious.
Ben Hoffensteader? Yes.
Yeah, the twins are switching off.
So I said, "You take her, you brought her.
" (laughing) Oh! What is going on?! I have something awful to tell you.
Something so awful you won't want to believe it.
Oh, Andy, Hitler would be 113.
Ben has a twin, and the two of them have been sharing you like a bike.
Yeah, I know.
They're switching off.
Maybe I left something out.
Sometimes two babies come out of a lady Andy, I know.
Last week I became suspicious, so I bit one of them on the thigh.
The next night when the bite wasn't there, I knew they'd pulled a switch.
It was so simple.
I had toyed with a thigh-biting plan briefly, but I could never crack it.
Together, they are the perfect guy.
Ben is one of the most smartest, most interesting people I have ever talked to, but he's lousy in bed.
His brother Peter, a complete maroon, but in bed, he's like a laser-guided smart bomb.
Right down the ventilator shaft and kaboom! There's a ventilator shaft? When we meet for a date, if the smart one shows up, we have a fascinating conversation over dinner and then I tell him I have a headache and go home alone.
If it's the one that can't put a sentence together, I feed him a power bar and get him straight into bed.
As long as they don't know that I know, I am happy and so are Talky and Humpy.
You're not like the other girls.
Hey, Jessica, I was just thinking, you know how on Earth people walk around and birds fly in the air? Yeah.
Did you ever wonder if on other planets people fly and the birds walk around, hmm? Okay.
Here, eat this, and let's get back to my place.
(drunkenly): Hey, honey.
Hey, slugger.
Nice of you to come home.
Now, if you'll excuse me, "Slugger" needs to be changed again.
I'll do it.
You're drunk.
You'll hurt him.
I'm not going to hurt him.
Come here, little fella.
Keith, you're scaring him.
Why don't we ever have sex anymore? We had sex this morning.
It was like you weren't even there.
(sobbing): I was.
(door slams) The next morning I was feeling uneasy about Jessica's situation.
In my day, we had names for a woman like Jessica-- trollop, harlot, whore, Mommy This is Mr.
He's the horrible man who founded this company Now he's dead.
Come on, she's into one guy's mind and one guy's body.
You're just threatened by a woman having power.
I love the fairer sex.
But science tells us it degrades their femininity if they're allowed to read or own money or leave the house or call for help.
You know, there are pills I could take that would make you stop talking to me.
Admit it.
We'd be a lot better off if we had kept that rib in and just buggered each other.
What was I thinking? Nobody would be hard on a man for doing what Jessica was doing.
She didn't need me to protect her.
So you don't mind taking my seconds? Not when they're so fine.
I'd never mind sharing a piece with my brother.
Hey, you like it your way, I like it mine.
I got to tell you that sweet pie tastes even sweeter knowing my bro's getting some, too.
Oh, yeah.
(laughing) You feel pretty smart.
You think you're pulling one over on the pie? Well, the pie's pulling one over on you.
Because the pie knows everything.
You're talking about an actual pie? Of course.
We kept referring to it as pie.
I don't see how there could have been any confusion.
Were you talking about Jessica? What?! No, of course not.
I just get a little overprotective sometimes.
Of pie? Yes.
You get away from this.
Okay, I screwed up.
But you heard them.
How could anyone get so crazily enthusiastic about a piece of pie? Oh, sweet crusted son of God! You told Ben and Peter that I know.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't going to say anything but they were having this insane conversation about pie, and Everything was great when they thought they were fooling me, and you almost ruined it.
Luckily, I convinced them that the three of us could still make it as a couple.
Don't you think this whole thing is kind of unhealthy? You know what I think is unhealthy? You butting in to my relationships.
Stay out of my love life! Boy, Jessica's really mad at me.
I've got to do something.
Let me decide who I want to be involved with.
Here, taste this pie.
It will explain everything.
I don't want any of your stupid pie.
I'm really mad at you, Andy Oh, my God.
I'm not upset with you anymore.
All I can think about is this pie.
All hail Andy, bringer of great pie! What are you doing? Get away from me! (gunfire, horse neighing on TV) Hey, Champ.
Hey, guys.
You got a second? Okay.
(turns off TV) Keith and I have been talking.
We know that we've been fighting a lot lately.
That's probably been pretty hard on you, huh, sport? Kinda.
Yeah, we thought so.
And I bet you feel like all this fighting's your fault, huh? Yeah.
Well, it is.
What? Hey, let's get your suitcase, cowboy.
You guys are right.
My back has been feeling a lot better, so I don't want you to worry about me because I'm going to be just (sighs) Does this mean we're not nurturing people? We did okay at first.
I just think we tried to do too much.
Maybe we should start smaller, like get a fish.
Maybe we could just have fish.
You mean like make fish? I don't think we're ready for that.
Let's just go out.
And, you know, you're not supposed to kayak in the Venice canals, but that starry night, the lady of the Adriatic was so enchanting I just couldn't help myself.
You have a beautiful soul.
Ooh, gosh, look at the time.
I've got to get home and sleep with your brother.
Uh Jessica, you know, I've been having second thoughts about this arrangement.
Really? Yes.
Well, maybe you could write a poem or something.
(both gasping) You liked that, huh? Oh, boy! You know, I've been working on some theories about politics.
(sullenly): Oh, boy.
Yeah, I picked up this book about the Kennedys-- Jack and Jackie Peter, I had a lovely conversation with your brother earlier and I just had a lot of sex with you.
Now I'm really tired.
Jessica I can't live like this.
When we agreed to this arrangement, I thought I could win you over so that one day I would have all of you.
Hey, I want all of you, too.
And if you would just listen to my theories about stuff and things Peter, she is not going to leave me for you.
Well, she's not going to leave me for you.
A woman needs more than just talk, Mr.
Guys That's the best you can do, huh? Mr.
Talk? Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk Look, Jessica, I've been practicing how to kiss.
Let me show you.
talk, talk, talk.
(knocking on door) Hey.
Can I come in? Of course.
Is something wrong? We broke up.
All three of you? No, they're still together, but I'm alone again.
Just me and this pie.
Well, in about five seconds, you're going to be totally alone again.
I'm sorry I got so mad at you.
I know you were just trying to watch out for me.
No, it's okay.
I get a little overprotective sometimes.
I like that you look out for me.
I think it's really sweet.
Well, people should be sweet to you.
(noisy breathing) You have a whistling booger.
I thought it was you.
I'm pretty sure it's you.
Be quiet a second.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
It's me.
Yeah, see? Yeah.
Let's have some pie.
All right.
It was really Jessica with the whistling booger, but I let her think it was me because she was the one who was emotionally vulnerable.
And sometimes, that's what friends do for each other.