Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e03 Episode Script


( elevator dings ) ANDY: It's raining.
That's all you need to know so far.
This is the wettest I've ever been.
You know, I've always wanted to hear someone say that.
But not you.
Hey, fellas.
How come you're not wet? I don't believe in getting wet.
How come you're so tan? I believe in getting tan.
Oh, that's right.
You were on that business trip to St.
It's not fair.
Keith always gets to travel.
They send him to meet buyers because he's so tan and dry.
I'm really starting to resent him.
I brought gifts.
Rum! Wow, thanks! Yum! Rum! I hate that I can be bought off so easily, but I do like my free rum.
I'm like a pirate in that respect.
( giggles ) Hey, Wendy.
I hated being away from you.
You should have.
I hit my sexual peak while you were gone.
Really? Mm-hmm.
See, they don't get the Chicago papers down there.
I got you a present.
Earrings! They're beautiful.
I'm so glad you're back monkey.
I'm happy to be back Wendy.
Andy Byron I've got a big problem.
I can't think of a nickname for Wendy.
Oh, yeah, that is a big problem.
I know I don't sound very sympathetic but let me show you what Keith's problems are like.
I've got a big problem.
I'm going sailing and I cannot find my sunglasses.
I'm so sorry.
Please, take mine! I've got a big problem.
My teeth are so naturally white they're taking attention away from the rest of my face.
( gasping ) ( weakly ): They seem fine from here.
I've got a big problem.
I just heard someone call you useless.
It really bothers me.
I'm on fire! You see, I really like Wendy and for reasons beyond male comprehension giving her a nickname is somehow important to her so I want to do it.
Oh, I like nicknames.
Yeah, instead of Byron my ex-girlfriend used to call me By-ro.
By-ro? No wonder you left her.
( voice breaking ): Yeah, boy, huh? You see, I've got to go to France next week and I want to come up with something before I leave.
You're going to France? Yeah, it sucks.
I've got to go to Paris to represent the GreenCloud Ballistics team.
I'm on the GreenCloud team.
I wrote the entire manual for GreenCloud.
I'm the one who named it GreenCloud.
It was my name in Indian Guides.
Yeah? Never heard of it before today.
I want to go to France.
Fine, go.
No, I want the company to send me instead of Keith.
How come you only come to visit me when you want something? That is not true.
I also come in to offer words of encouragement.
Hang in there, baby.
Now let's talk about France.
Did you know in Roman times they called it "Gaul?" Now they call it France.
When are they going to get their act together? Come on! I really want to go, Keith doesn't, and the French don't feel strongly either way.
All right, I'll tell you what, I'll think about it.
But don't start unpacking your deodorant just yet.
Whoo-hoo! I'm going to France! Jessica didn't say no, so that means yes.
Although that's the kind of thinking that got me in trouble in college.
But this is different.
I know I'm right this time.
You only want to go to France for the lenient sex laws.
Although, in your case that just means you can do more things to yourself.
That is not why I want to go.
I'm a writer.
I've always wanted to visit the country of Camus, Sartre, Focault.
What did you say to me? You heard me.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * I think you'd be surprised.
* Okay, how's this as a nickname for Wendy? GreenCloud.
That's the name of a bomb.
Well, yeah, because she's "da bomb.
" Just so you know, I got the name GreenCloud when another Indian Guide followed me into the latrine.
It should come from the heart.
Next time you're with her just say what you're feeling.
Unless you're actually feeling a part of her.
Andy, get out your fanny pack and your "Don't Mess With Texas" T-shirt.
I'm going to France? You're going to France! Oh, thank you, Jessica! ( phone ringing ) Why not? You're as qualified as anyone.
Hello? Grand-mere, bonjour! Ca fait longtemps! Comment ca va, huh? Um, hang on just a second.
It's my great-grandma from Lyons.
Pardon, mes collegues sont fureteur.
Wow, you speak French? No, he doesn't.
BYRON: My mother's French.
I'm fluent.
Could I have those back, please? Not quite yet.
Byron, um, didn't you also work on the GreenCloud manual? Yeah, I did all the diagrams.
Oh, interesting factoid: The GreenCloud training site is right near our ancestral home.
This is going badly.
I have to say something.
This is going badly.
I would've liked to have handled that better.
So you're jockeying to go to France? Is that what's happening now? Oh, well, it's Jessica's call.
I'm not actively pursuing it.
Then what was all that son son son, les fon fon fon, bubelie bibilie stuff? Good, Andy, good.
Hey, when you make your presentation why don't you open with that? Yeah, because one thing the French just love is when you mock their language.
That's the last straw.
Nobody mocks the way I mock the French.
I'm not going to lay down and let Byron steal my trip from me.
One thing about us Richters, we don't lie down and let people steal trips from us.
It's really, like, the only thing we're proud of.
( doorbell rings ) I saw a piece of whitefish at the market that practically screamed out for your cat Mittens.
Mittens? Mittens died five years ago.
Don't you have a cat or a dog or something? I have a pet whitefish that's cowering at the bottom of its tank.
My new cat's name is "Bootsy.
" I've only had her for four years.
Hey, fuzzy face! Who wants $30 worth of seafood? Okay, but don't give her too much because she's going to the groomer's tomorrow.
I don't want her barfing on Fernando.
So, um, tell me does this butt-kissing of my cat have anything to do with you wanting to go to France? That is crazy talk.
Although, now that you mention it, you shouldn't send Byron.
Look what I found in his desk.
"Zithromax"? These are antibiotics.
Well, it could be some kind of old junkie trick.
You know, they switch bottles.
And he does like jazz.
Okay, your tub's all caulked and I fixed the leak Oh Hello, Andy.
Hello, Byron.
( bell dings ) Oh, my quiche is done.
Oh, that smells terrific.
But I really shouldn't have any.
It's all fat.
What are you worried about fat for? You're so thin you're practically two-dimensional.
You know, I pray for the day that men stop praising women for how thin they look.
The only reason that you're so fixated on your weight is because of men's distorted sense of beauty.
Thank you, Byron.
That's so sensitive.
This is going badly again.
I have to say something.
And it can't be, "This is going badly.
" Jessica, I can take Bootsy to the groomer's for you tomorrow.
I can do it during my lunch break.
Oh, that's perfect, because I was going to take Jessica to lunch tomorrow.
Well, that works out great, because I was going to buy Jessica some pants to wear to lunch tomorrow.
All right, guys, I can see what's happening, and this has got to stop.
I'm putting my foot down.
Which is wearing a size-eight shoe.
Thanks for the ride in.
I guess this is where we start to act all professional.
See you at lunch, monkey.
I can't wait dummy.
What? Did you just call me dummy? Well, I didn't mean dumb like, uh, stupid.
I meant it like a cute little ventriloquist's, uh, dummy.
Why would you call me a ventriloquist's dummy? All right, the truth is I was feeling dumb because I couldn't think of anything and that's what was on my mind.
Yeah, well, you keep working on it, slick.
"Slick?" She's so good at this.
Andy, this is ridiculous.
We're friends.
So if you go to France, I'm just going to be really happy for you.
And if I go, I just hope that you can feel the same for me.
Sure, I'll be happy for you.
( door opens ) Okay, guys.
It was a really hard decision to make and unfortunately, only one of you can go to France but I decided to send Andy.
( laughs gleefully ) No! I want to go to France! It should be me! Me, me, me! Byron, it's nothing personal! I made you quiche, you fat pig! Junkie! All right, France! Why should pro athletes be the only ones who get to dance at work? ( meows ) Hey, Keith.
Hey, buddy.
I'm going to France! You want to help me celebrate? You went out and got yourself a cat.
Good for you.
You know how to treat yourself right.
This is Jessica's.
I just picked it up at the beauty parlor.
Come on.
Seriously, let's have some champagne.
Well, the cat does look good but I've got to run a focus group.
You two have fun, though.
Fine, I'll celebrate alone.
( cat meowing ) What are you crying about? John McCain spent seven years in a cage smaller than that.
( meows ) Oh, well, all right.
Besides, I could use a drinking buddy.
Now, just a few sips.
Ooh! Somebody likes the goof juice.
( chuckling ) ( loud meow ) Oh, you're a mean drunk.
Okay, back in the cage.
Back! Uh-oh.
( collar bell tinkling ) ( collar bell tinkles ) Damn it! Au revoir,France.
Right now there's a coach-class seat cushion breathing a sigh of relief.
( bell tinkling ) Bootsy? Here I was facing a problem as old as civilization itself-- how to catch a drunk cat in a ceiling so I can go to France.
( thud ) ( tinkling continues ) Andy, hey.
( high-pitched voice ): Hey, Jessica.
Did you pick my cat up yet? Your cat? Yes.
Did you pick her up from the groomer's yet? Your cat? Yes.
( speaking slowly ): Did you pick her up from the groomer's yet? Your cat? My strategy was to keep saying "your cat" until she got tired of hearing it and went away.
Just remember that they close at 5:00.
It worked.
( jingling continues ) ( whispering ): Bootsy? ( jingling continues ) Bootsy! ( meows ) Here's what I wanted to do.
( meow ) But do you see how that would have been a bad idea? ( tape rewinding ) Never play with guns.
Oh, yeah, and never, ever get a cat drunk.
Unless it's last call and there's no one else in the bar.
Oh, God.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe! There's no air in here.
Wait a minute.
What am I talking about? This is how air gets into the building.
Oh, God, there's too much air in here.
Okay, I better calm down.
Bootsy! Bootsy! WENDY: I'm just worried that this nickname thing is part of a bigger problem for Keith like a fear of intimacy.
Well, Wendy, does he take care of all of your needs in a timely and satisfying manner? Well, yeah.
Then we're done here.
But I just wish that he'd call me something special, something that means something to him.
Oh, men don't think like that.
They're not as romantic.
They tune out when you talk about your needs or feelings and emotions.
I see London.
I see France Stop it.
They're my friends.
Your friends.
What a colorful euphemism for the female bosom.
Well, if they didn't want me to look they shouldn't have talked about feelings.
( bell ringing ) (mewing) I've got to go.
Mama! So, it's a surface-to-surface missile that can target an object the size of a yam from 400 miles away.
Which do you think would be the best name for it? "The Peace-Afire?" "The Defender?" Or just "Freedom" with three exclamation points? ANDY: Psst! Keith! Hey, Andy.
What's up? Did you hear a cat run by? It's got a little bell on it.
Yeah, I did.
It went over there.
Oh, by the way, Wendy's worried that you're afraid of intimacy.
What? I adore her.
It's the nickname thing.
She wants you to come up with one that means something special to you.
But she's very happy with the sex.
Really? Did you hear that, group? She's happy with the sex.
( bell tinkles ) Oh! Ow! That vent was rattling.
It's not going to bother us anymore.
That's for sure.
Anything new around here? Yeah, um, I noticed that Jessica's cat carrier was empty and I've been hearing this ringing in the ceiling.
See, I think that you lost Jessica's cat and were chasing her through the heating ducts and then fell into our office.
It's all Bootsy's fault! None of this would've happened if she hadn't gotten drunk.
Please don't tell Jessica.
Oh, Andy.
Come on! Think of all we've been through together, all the good times we've had.
I mean, like that time that I fell through the ceiling and you covered for me with Jessica.
Wasn't that fun? Andy, Andy, Andy.
And now I think that Byron's going to rat me out to Jessica.
So I'm screwed, right? Not necessarily.
All you've got to do is tell Jessica what you did before Byron does.
But if I tell Jessica, how does that prevent her from finding out? It doesn't.
But it's never about the crime.
It's about the cover-up.
I mean, you could have killed the cat made a hand puppet out of its face.
But if you'd admitted it and said how bad you felt she'd forgive you.
Well, yeah, but then she'd at least have a cute hand puppet.
Just get to her before Byron does.
Anyway, my problem.
I need to think of something I care about for a nickname for Wendy.
Wow, that is a tough one.
You know, I better get out of your hair so you can get to work on that.
That weasel! I got your cat drunk! I admit it.
But then she went crazy and she went up in the heating duct and got lost.
I'm a bad, bad man who loses cats.
But at least I'm not a bad, bad man who rats on his friends.
I didn't tell her.
You got Bootsy drunk? She's a cat.
What do you mean you didn't tell her? You lost her in the heating duct? She's a cat.
I saw you selling me out.
No, you didn't.
Bootsy dropped through a hole in our ceiling and I was returning her.
She dropped through a hole in the ceiling? Yeah, I know, and she's a cat.
What? I swear, I didn't tell.
And then he explained what really happened.
Here's Bootsy.
Andy asked me to drop her off for him.
Ow! Thanks.
Hey, you all right? I've got this pain in my arm.
You know, and it's weird because I can do some movements, like, um like this but it really hurts when I do this Ow! Oh, well, maybe if you need to point up you could use your other arm.
Listen, I'm sorry about the whole France thing.
It's just that Andy's been here for a long time and I really felt like he deserved it.
Yeah, he really does.
I got your cat drunk! Now you're up to speed.
Well, I'm not sending you to France! But I admitted it.
I didn't try to cover it up.
I'm a hero.
You only admitted it because you thought Byron was turning you in.
You're right, I did.
And I'll admit that.
I mean, I'll be the first to admit that.
Fine, you're a hero.
So you can stay here in case a ticker-tape parade breaks out.
Byron, you're going to France.
( elevator dings ) I'll bet it never rains in France.
And if it did I bet it would rain wine and busty peasant girls.
Byron, what are you doing here? My ear infection flared up and I can't fly.
It's my fault.
I'm such an idiot.
I lost my antibiotics.
Narcotics! These are antibiotics.
I forgot to put them back on his desk.
I meant to; I really did.
I feel awful.
Really? That's terrible.
Well, who's going? Two days in Paris, two days in Nice.
I'll be back before you know it.
Well, have fun.
Okay, well, I'll see you soon Chico.
Chico? What is wrong with you? I'm just trying to come up with a name that means something to me.
And what is Chico? Your favorite Marx Brother? No, it's the name of a teddy bear I used to have.
A teddy bear? Yeah.
When I was six, I broke my leg and my father gave him to me in the hospital.
I really grew attached to that little guy.
It got to where I couldn't fall asleep without him.
Okay, I'll take Chico.
You will? Mm-hmm.
Oh, thank God.
Because these last two days have been the hardest I've ever worked.
I should tell Byron I swiped his antibiotics.
He might be mad but he did a nice thing for me and it's the right thing to do.
Okay, I'm going to tell him.
I'm just going to come right out and say it.
Here I go.
Here I go I can't do it.
So, can I buy you lunch today? That'd be nice, sure.
And do you like this shirt? Because I could just give it to you.
Jessica should've sent me to France.
I'm qualified.
I can be French.
I can fit in.
Look, I can eat cheese.
I can be rude.
You call yourself cheese? Pfft! I can be romantic.
Oh, mon petit fromage You are so mature at 18 months And I can be crude.
I want you inside of me!