Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e08 Episode Script

The Maid Man

ANDY: I love Sundays at Jessica's.
Fresh orange juice, the newspaper, hanging out with my friend.
No other day of the week is so rich with possibilities.
I'm bored.
(doorbell chimes) Well, maybe we could go get one of those high-priced MRIs.
See if we have anything.
Hi, Irina.
God who is that? She can't be this beautiful.
She must have, like, a big fin on her back.
A big, hot fin.
(with thick accent): Sorry I'm late.
There are ants all over my apartment.
Big mess.
ANDY: I gotta make the right impression.
What would someone cool and suave say? Ants are fascinating.
No, that's not it.
Saved it! Yes, they are fascinating.
Did you know if men had strength of ant, he could lift car over his head? Wait.
An ant car? I'm kidding.
I understand.
No, I don't.
Irina, this is Andy.
Andy, Irina.
She's my maid.
Um, housekeeper.
Cleaning lady.
Domestic partner? No, that's not right.
Nice to meet you, Andrew.
Do not ask her out.
Why not?! Because you're going to go out a few times, then you'll break up.
She'll feel hurt, you'll feel guilty, and I'll feel dirty because no one will be cleaning my apartment.
But I'm in love.
No, you're not.
Why do you always disagree with me? If I said I'm not in love, would you say, "Yes, you are"? I don't know.
Let's try it.
I'm not in love.
I know, so leave her alone.
And so, Irina and I started dating.
Did you know if flea were size of dog, it could jump over six-story building? Besides our obvious attraction, we were both interested in what things could do if they were the size of other things.
After a few dates, I realized Irina and I had something special.
The problem was finding the right way to tell Jessica.
Oh, God! ANDY: This was not it.
We're out of 409.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * And I think you'd be surprised.
* Hi, Keith! Got a second? Sure.
Is this a "one" or an "L"? I'm going to guess it's an "L," since it's in the middle of the word "parallel.
" Uh uh (laughing) (inhales deeply) That woman did everything but get her eggs on you.
She's just another shut-in from Accounting-- they're harmless, I swear.
How would you feel if you constantly saw me getting hit on? I wouldn't care 'cause I know how you feel about us.
No, you'd be insane with jealousy and feel very insecure.
You would.
You're just saying "okay.
" All right.
Now you're just saying "all right.
" Now you're just narrating what I'm doing.
I can't believe you fired Irina.
She was having sex on my couch.
We didn't plan to have sex on your couch; it just happened.
Was it a leather couch? Because those things are basically asking for it.
I told you this would happen, Andy.
And now I have to find a new cleaning lady and a new couch! Oh, and 409.
I have some great cleaning people.
They're an old married couple.
They're hired.
Andy, don't have sex with them.
Good for you, my boy, having your way with the help.
They're bending over anyway, huh? (chuckles) How did you stay out of prison while you were alive? Oh, yes, prisons are filled with the wealthy.
And now that you've got what you wanted.
you'd better move on before you produce some bastard you have to make your chauffeur.
I am not moving on.
I'm serious about Irina.
Why won't anyone believe me? Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just hard to believe you could ever be in love with something not covered in sauce.
(Wendy gasps) Steve, I'm so glad you could make it.
God, you look great.
I didn't think I'd hear from you again.
I'm really glad you called.
Can you say that again? I'm really glad you called.
No, no, the other part.
God, you look great.
(laughing): Oh, stop! Keith, hi.
You made it.
This is Steve.
We used to go out.
He works for National Geographic and he's an Olympic downhill skier.
You might recognize his chest.
They used it to make the Batman suit.
Nice chest, man.
I'll go get us some drinks.
So, National Geographic, huh? Yeah.
You have beautiful eyes.
Uh ANDY: So what if Jessica lost her precious cleaning lady? I'm in love with the most fascinating woman on Earth.
They're like big rats that can't see.
Their name is mole rat.
The live in hives underground, like termites.
That's odd.
This is the third time this week Irina's told that story.
And like termites, they have no organs.
Inside, they're undifferentiated mucus.
Okay, that's just crazy.
Your ex-boyfriend just hit on me.
What? He wants me to go dancing.
I'm not really sure what you were trying to set up.
I said no.
That's good, right? No, it's not good.
What are you doing? You're not gay.
I know.
Then why are you hitting on Keith? There's just something about him.
You are so lucky.
The Peruvian mole rat is all tail.
It can't fly, but it never stops trying.
Everything Irina says is some kind of strange animal or insect thing and it's all wrong.
She's not fascinating; she's out of her mind.
What did I ever see in her? Uh-oh.
I think the magic is going going gone.
This is the moment Jessica warned me about.
What am I going to do? I'm going to stay in the relationship.
That's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to make this thing work.
You're not listening to me.
Yes, I am.
Then what did I say? The magic is gone.
Oh, that was bad.
What? I said that your beauty is not magic.
It's a scientific fact, like some of the stuff you were saying.
(knock at door) Hi.
We're Byron's housekeepers.
Oh, great.
Come on in.
Oh, you didn't have to drag that all the way up here.
I have a vacuum.
See, I told you, people have vacuums.
A professional brings his own.
A lunatic brings his own.
No, a lunatic marries you.
Don't mind him.
His whole life, he's had a hard time because he's a failure.
You're a failure! Again, with the vacuum.
She's obsessed with the vacuum.
Okay, so let me, uh, show you around.
Wendy's upset that I have no insecurities.
I'm worried about it.
Not a lot, because I'm not insecure.
Do you see what I'm up against? Well, there is one thing you're insecure about.
You can tell her about, you know No.
No, I can't tell her that.
ANDY: What are we talking about, you wonder? What is Keith's secret shame? Could he be insecure because he doesn't understand the concept of perspective? Oh, my God, Andy, what happened? You're as small as this can.
ANDY: Could he be insecure because his body has a strange reaction to the sound of a crying child? (baby crying) ANDY: No, that's not it.
Could Keith be insecure because he's allergic to rice? Would you like rice? No, thank you.
ANDY: It wasn't any of those things.
But I promised Keith I would never tell.
Listen, about your cleaning people Aren't they horrible to each other? Yes! I can't even be around them.
Sylvia whacked her knee on my coffee table and Mickey laughed and made fun of her diabetes.
Oh, yeah, he always goes for that.
Do you want me to talk to them? Please.
I think part of the problem might be that every time she says something, he thinks it's about the vacuum.
(laughing): Oh, she hates that vacuum.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Andy, how's it going with Irina? ANDY: You know seldom in this world do you meet a woman who truly She's not the one, huh? No.
I mean, sure, you can start a relationship based on four days of false information about mole rats but then where do you go? Am I right? Andy, I've dated many women in my life, and I gotta tell you No, I haven't.
Well, I guess this is kind of my fault, since I only told you exactly what would happen, instead of actually living your life for you.
Well, I'm partially responsible.
So let me guess: Now you're going to feel guilty about breaking it off, so you'll keep dating her and get more and more miserable.
Eventually, the very sight of her will make your stomach turn.
But still, you'll stay with her until she * Ba-deet, da, da, da * Beedle-la, da, da, la, da, la, da * finally that you've checked outrealizes then she'll dump you.
* Look at that lamp So why don't you just do everyone a big favor * Da-dat, deet-dah and just break it off now, fast and clean.
* That tile is cracked Are you even listening to me? * Yeah! What? What? Break up with her fast and clean.
I heard you.
(knock at door) Hey, Keith.
Hey, Wendy.
Listen, I know, lately, you've been feeling insecure about my lack of insecurities.
No, I'm grateful that my ex-boyfriend finally got over me.
Actually climbed over me to get to you.
Come on, Keith, isn't there anything you're not confident about? My poetry is derivative.
No, it's not.
Everyone agrees it's a bold new voice.
Yeah, you're right, it's pretty bold.
Look, Keith, you're perfect, and that's really hard for me, so All right, all right.
I'm not perfect.
There is something I'm insecure about.
It's my feet.
Your feet? This is very hard.
Have you ever wondered why you've never seen my feet? I've seen your feet.
Not unsheathed.
My feet are small.
They're very small.
Oh, look at those.
Corked shoes.
Prosthetic socks.
It's all so embarrassing.
No, n-n-no-no, it's not embarrassing; they're fine.
In fact they're beautiful, because they're yours.
Here (retching) I'm so sorry.
IRINA: Did you know if a blue whale mated with a beaver, their babies would be the largest insects on the Earth? ANDY: I knew I had to end things with Irina, buthow? I would find a clinic that specializes in plastic surgery.
So I can hide in this building as long as I want? ANDY: No, I'm going to do what Jessica said: End it, fast and clean.
Irina, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
ANDY: There.
I did it.
It's over.
Oh, wait, she's still here.
What? ANDY: Oh, God.
Now I have to break up with her again.
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
But I gave up my job for you.
My best job! I thought, "I can go find other job but I can't find other Andy.
" Now I have no work, no money, no Andy-- I have nothing.
ANDY: Come on, hang in there-- fast and clean-- you're almost there.
What am I going to do? ANDY: Almost there.
Stay focused.
You could always be my housekeeper.
ANDY: Who said that?! Well, I hate you, but I do need job.
So, yes, I work for you.
ANDY: Do something, don't let this happen! Great.
And I'll pay you whatever you want.
ANDY: Idiot.
You wouldn't have this problem if you killed yourself after the prom, like I told you to.
I'm sorry about last night.
I wish you hadn't left.
I wish you hadn't thrown up, but here we are.
Do you want to come over to my place for dinner tonight? I can't.
I have a thing.
I just want you to know that I love you just how you are.
And I think large feet are off-putting and clown-like.
ANDY: I didn't exactly take Jessica's advice and break things off fast and clean and the worst part about having an ex-girlfriend cleaning my place wasn't imagining all the stuff she was doing to me behind my back.
No, the worst part was, she was costing me a fortune.
I'm sorry, I'm a little short this week.
I will take this lamp.
Sylvia, you lazy diabetic! You clean a coffee table like you process sugar.
Look at what their hate is doing to my plants.
I'll take care of it.
Where's my vacuum?! You mean your girlfriend? (shouting): Shut up! What is wrong with you two?! You're not acting like human beings! This is all they understand.
You're acting like garbage! Human garbage! So you're good here? Okay.
See you at work.
(gasps) Listen Sylvia Mickey.
I don't want any more yelling.
At some point, there must have been a loving, caring bond that brought you together.
Let's talk about that.
(sternly): Talk about that.
Otherwise, I'm going to get Byron back in here.
Hey, Jessica, everything go okay with Mickey and Sylvia? Yeah.
We had a nice, little talk.
Yeah, we did, didn't we? Actually, mine was different from the one you had with them.
When I left, they were quite sweet with each other.
Your kindness probably just startled them into inactivity.
They'll be back.
And when it gets out of hand, threaten them with drowning.
That's the death they fear the most.
How did it go with you and Irina? You break it off? Fast and clean, baby, just like you said.
Good for you! Yup.
Here's another thing: I need a raise you know, to help support my happening, new bachelor life.
That's an interesting lie.
I'm going to piece that together with your previous thought about dumping Irina.
Oh, my God, you hired her, didn't you? A little.
This reminds me of that old saying: "You idiot!" Oh, God.
I will drown you, I swear to God I will! I was born with feet this size.
When I was a baby, they were huge.
My parents were worried that if I kept on growing, I'd eventually have feet the size of boogie boards, but they never grew.
When I was ten years old, there were two weeks when they totally made sense.
It must have been so hard for you to keep this a secret.
Oh, Wendy, I wanted to be the perfect man for you.
Now I'm just some tiny-footed, tan guy with great hair.
(cat meows) Oh, my God, where's Ginger? (meows) She ran out on the ledge! She's going to fall to her death like Gingers one through four! I can't do it; the ledge is too small.
It's not too small.
Your foot is just too big.
Careful! Oh Ginger! Don't you ever do that again.
My God, Keith, you're like a superhero.
Let's make love.
Chore! Chore! Chore! (slams) At least your place looks clean.
(Irina cursing and vacuuming) Yeah.
Although I can't find any of my socks or the drawer that I keep them in.
Plus, she's so expensive, I've had to start paying her with my stuff.
Sex, huh? No, my actual stuff: a lamp, toaster, apparently, my sock drawer It probably would have been cheaper to just keep dating her.
I finished.
Here's checkbook.
Pay me.
Oh, who are we kidding? I love you.
Oh, Andy.
My big piece of Andy candy.
I'm so happy.
ANDY: I'm so screwed.
But you know what the saddest part is? (stifled sobs) Irina and I dated again for three more weeks.
Then I finally made a clean break.
I should have listened to you.
I mean, what is my problem, anyway? You just jump in a little too quickly sometimes.
Yeah, why is that? I mean, I do everything else slowly: learning, working returning videos fleshing out analogies You want to be in love.
That's not such a bad quality.
She was pretty mad, huh.
Oh, yeah, it was pretty painful.
She is a crazy, crazy woman.
Is it me, or is it getting dizzy in here? ANDY: I never thought I'd see Irina again, but a few months later I was watching television and discovered that she was hosting a cable access nature show.
I guess she knew more about animals than I thought.
IRINA ( over TV ): Often misunderstood the lion is actually no more than a large, vegetable-eating dog which can easily be tamed.
Watch as I hypnotize this with a salami.
First (loud roar; scream) (scream stops abruptly)