Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e07 Episode Script

Crazy in Rio

ANDY: Monday morning back at work at Pickering Industries.
The greatest thing about my job is that sometimes I'm not doing it.
Sometimes I'm with my friends.
Like this weekend.
God, we had fun.
(screaming) (laughing) Pizza's here! (everyone whoops) (laughing) Okay, we really just went to a movie-- but my friends are great and having them makes this day-to-day grind bearable.
There-- another project finished.
Don't you look snazzy? Oh, I was just, um Decorating your big head? I don't blame you.
It's a magnificent gourd.
Your head's pretty big, too, bub.
You amuse me.
You've got a good, honest smell.
(sniffs) Like potatoes.
(gulps) Mr.
Pickering, I see you've met Andy.
Pickering? As in? Mr.
Freddy Pickering.
Just took over majority stock in the company when his mother passed away.
For which I am so very sorry, sir.
At least she died doing what she loved most-- committing suicide.
So what's on your agenda when you're not kissing my ass? Actually, I hadn't thought beyond that, sir.
(laughs) Oh, so, my mother's death amuses you.
No No.
Oh, so you have no sense of humor.
I can do this.
Your mother's dead, and that's funny? Let's just continue our little tour, shall we? When a lady goes out she should wear a hat.
Look at me.
I have an MBA.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * And I think you'd be surprised.
* So, is Freddy like our bossy-boss? He's just our boss.
Then, when he introduced himself, why did he say, "I'm your new bossy-boss"? Technically, it is his company.
But the Board of Directors is hoping he'll buy a seat on the Russian space shuttle and choke to death on a tube of lamb like our last CEO.
Freddy's just eccentric.
He's an heir.
They're all eccentric.
Edsel Ford kept a washing machine for a girlfriend.
Nobody said anything.
Parties were thrown.
I think he's scary.
He reminds me of that creepy guy who dated my mom.
Byron, that creepy guy married your mom and then they had you.
When are you just going to call him your dad? Why don't you call him your dad, if you love him so much? Hello.
(sultry): Hello.
Hey, guys.
Donut, eh? Yeah.
Do you want some? Yes.
Thank you.
Now then, in order to root out waste, I want all of you to write a report listing any violations of company policy inappropriate behavior, stealing Why are you looking at me? You're very pretty.
But why did you look at me when you said "stealing"? Maybe you stole your beauty from the rainbow.
And some toner.
I didn't do either of those things.
You're good.
You're very good.
So I will give $1,000 to anyone who exposes malfeasance.
Anyone caught covering up malfeasance will be fired tout de suite.
How did it make you feel when I told the thief she was pretty? I'm just so very sorry about your mother.
So, my progeny is offering $1,000 to whoever rats on their friends.
Disgusting! Isn't it? Yes.
In my day, you could buy murder with nothing more than clean tap water.
How can you be so crabby when you're dead? What crawled up your butt and lived? My feelings are so hurt.
But the pain is lessened by the heartwarming sight of young Freddy destroying friendships with money.
This is ridiculous.
I refuse to be paranoid about my friends.
Besides, the only one who ever saw me take anything was Byron, and he wouldn't care.
Or would he? Good night.
It's like he thinks I don't care.
What am I thinking? It's just $1,000.
Byron's got to think our friendship is worth more than that.
Hey, Byron.
Hey, three car payments, a couple dinners out and that model of the Millennium Falcon with real flashing lights.
Okay, he didn't really say that but I bet he was thinking it.
No, no, I'm being ridiculous.
He's my friend.
And yet here I am outside his apartment, wanting to make sure he won't rat me out.
Andy, what are you doing here? I was in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd stop by for a little intercourse.
What? A discussion.
A conversation.
Let's talk about ethics.
I think it is unethical for you to just drop by and expect intercourse.
Okay, look I know you might have seen me take a stapler a few pens, maybe a ream of-- So we've been thinking about this whole "violating company policy" thing.
We don't see any need to turn each other in.
Then no one needs to mention that time I borrowed the company car for 36 months.
You know how we're all supposed to be telling on each other for stuff? As you know, Keith and I are together Is this about the tremendous amount of sex you two have at work? We just think that making love in a public place is a very private matter.
Besides, it's just sex.
It's not like it's hurting the company.
Actually, that's not quite true.
(electrical crackling) Does anyone else smell burning? Let's go tell Freddy, right now, that he is not going to split us up.
Because we're sticking together.
Freddy can't tear us apart because we're friends.
And friends don't screw each other.
Except you guys.
Pickering, we need to speak with you.
Cotton candy? No, thank you.
I wasn't offering it to you.
I was introducing you.
Oh, well.
Sir, we need to talk to you about your management style.
What about it? We don't like you ruling us with an iron fist wrapped, though it may be, in a sugary treat.
ANDY: We just think that trying to turn us against each other is counterproductive.
You're right.
Look at me.
I don't even know what I'm doing.
My management style is ruining the spirit of this company.
From now on, I'm going to be a nice guy.
"Hey, how ya doin'? All right.
" Yeah, like that.
Good for you, sir.
I feel truly privileged to have witnessed whatever that was.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got, like, this much work to do but I appreciate you stopping by.
Andy, would you mind staying for a moment? You're all good, hardworking people.
Remember: We're all on the same team.
Your friends are garbage.
What?! They're garbage! Pure garbage! Well, if they're garbage, then I am a fly who chooses to surround myself with filth.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to gorge myself on feces.
Andy, wait! No one's ever talked to me like that before.
I must have you here with me in management.
Well, that's quite an offer but I'm going to stay with my friends.
Oh, I see what's going on.
That garbage-- a thousand pardons-- your friends, they think I'm crazy.
I'm not crazy, Andy.
I'm just rich and I like to have fun.
(giggles) Don't be afraid.
I'm not afraid.
Actually, I was talking to myself.
Here I'm writing down a figure that may help you make up your mind.
Wow! Look how happy I am.
And so thin.
So, you were on your way to eat feces and then Freddy offered to make you a vice president? I wasn't really going to eat feces.
He just appreciated my honesty.
If you never intended to eat the feces, you weren't being very honest.
Anyway, now I've got this tough decision.
I say you do it.
So the guy's eccentric.
Edsel Ford married a blender.
I thought you said he married a washing machine.
His girlfriend was the washing machine.
He married the blender.
I think you should take the job, Andy.
You can be our spy.
Make sure Freddy doesn't do bad things to us.
Yeah, like make us do sports.
It is an amazing opportunity.
And you'll only be two floors up.
We'll see each other just as much.
It was good that the conversation was going this way, because I'd already accepted the job.
Well, I still have to think about it.
Look at that powerful man.
Is that a vice president? Look at that power tie.
Is that egg? No, it was just some gunk.
Okay, here I am, about to learn what's it like to be a high-level corporate executive.
Ever eaten a six-pound lobster off of the chest of a seven-pound lobster? It's true what they say: The rich are not like you or me.
And suddenly, neither was I.
Hyah! (cackling) Heave Ho! Heave Ho! Heave Ho! (cackling) (cackling continues) (chuckles) Fight him! Get in there! Hit him! Hit him! Murderize him! Hit him! Really give it to him! Come on! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah! Cover up.
Get in there! Cover up! Hit him! No! No! No! Yeah! Come on, Freddy.
Pay up.
All right, I'm exaggerating.
But I'm not going to tell you which stuff isn't true because I'm a part of corporate America now, so I can lie, lie, lie.
Nice work.
But still, being a corporate executive was great.
Look at all these perks.
And that cyst the HMO doctor said was fine? The executive doctors took it off immediately.
Shouldn't we be doing some actual work? I leave the day-to-day business of the company to the Board of Directors.
I just come up with the big ideas.
Have research make a dog that speaks Italian.
They can either make the dog smarter or Italian easier.
Anyway, I was having a great time; but after two weeks at my new job, I was starting to miss my friends.
Well, look who came for a visit.
All the way from Fantasy Island.
Nice suit.
Where'd you get it, Fantasy Island? I just said that.
Yeah, that's right.
What are you guys going? I'm the same guy I always was.
Andy, you have a leopard.
(growls quietly) So I have a leopard.
That doesn't mean I've changed.
What, do you guys hate leopards now? Maybe you're the ones who have changed.
We haven't even seen you in over two weeks.
Other than that time you and Freddy rode those gigantic women through the cafeteria.
I'm here now! Come on, guys.
Let's do something tonight.
I have Bernstein here until 11:00.
No, you and Bernstein have fun.
I don't feel up for anything.
Me, neither.
I'm hooking up with an eccentric jerk who made me a bright blue suit and gave me a penguin and now I'm a jerk, too.
Look, I thought the whole purpose for me hanging out with Freddy was to get him off your backs and I did that.
Yeah, but Freddy's whole purpose was to split us up, and now we never see you anymore.
Last night you said you'd join us for pizza.
You didn't even show up.
I'm sorry.
I was busy doing corporate stuff.
Who am I kidding? Freddy and I were sitting around hitting diamonds with hammers.
You never even thought of us these last few weeks.
Maybe I would have enjoyed a ride on a giantess.
Andy, we're hurt.
If I didn't know how Bernstein would come out, I'd kick your ass.
(growls) They were right.
Freddy had cut me off from my friends.
I needed to do something to win them back.
Freddy's taking me to Rio on a private jet and I'm going to ask him if you guys can come with us.
All right! We may be going to Rio.
Rio-- girls in bikinis cavorting with war criminals under a hundred-foot Jesus.
I've dreamt of this my whole life.
What's on your mind, Andy, my right-hand mandy? I was thinking about our trip to Rio.
I know, I know-- there's going to be dancing.
Anyway, I want my friends to come with us.
Bring 'em along.
Really? Now, put these on.
I want to show you something but you must protect your eyes.
Don't take the glasses off! It isn't safe! Look at the light I give off! Look at it! Behold my radiance! It's beautiful.
Now, your friends do have human genitalia, don't they? I believe so.
What am I going to do? Freddy isn't eccentric, he's crazy.
But still, I promised my friends Rio and they like me again.
On the other hand, Freddy asked if they had human genitalia and that can't be good.
I should just call it off.
Well, did you talk to him? What'd he say? Look at those faces.
Sure, they might look weird stretched out on the head of a drum, but I do so want their love.
We're going to Rio! (all cheer) Rio, Rio, Rio! Rio-- I am going to put on a thong and go straight to the beach.
My butt's going to get so tan people are going to mistake it for a football and pass it around! (giggles) You know, I rented a documentary on Rio last night.
Apparently, the girls have gone wild.
I'm going to strip naked and ride on the back of a guy, wearing a giant papier-mâché head.
Hey, let's hear it for Andy.
Yeah! And Freddy! Whoo-hoo! Thank you.
Thank you.
I couldn't help noticing that your carry-on bag was filled with duct tape.
Well, if they're going to be my brides, there must be a wedding.
I've got to stop this.
Hit him! Kick him! Do it! Now Now! Now! Oh, you.
I just talked to the pilot.
He says we're not going to Rio.
We're going to Mississippi.
Mississippi, Brazil? No, Tiger.
There's going to be a duct-tape wedding! Cover your genitalia and run! Somewhere.
What is going on? Oh, clearly, there's been some kind of misunderstanding.
I'll go talk to the pilot.
The pilot's that way.
(wind roaring, all shouting) Shh! I'm going to sneak up on him.
(all screaming) (whimpering, gasping) Did he jump out again? "Again"?! Yeah.
But don't worry.
He has a chute.
This happens all the time.
Gets folks up here, tells them he's going to take them someplace fun, then off he goes into the night.
But at least he didn't take a bride.
That's nice.
Enjoy the rest of the flight.
Oh, my God! Freddy is a complete lunatic! We don't know that.
There's no way anyone could have known that.
Then why did you tell us to cover our genitalia and run? I could ask you the same thing.
Why did I tell you to cover your genitalia and run? Andy, pick a hand.
Ow! Pick another hand.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
I didn't tell you how crazy Freddy was because I promised you Rio, and I didn't want you to be mad.
But, hey, at least Freddy didn't split us up, right? The only thing that can do that is our inability to forgive.
So let's keep an eye out for that, huh? So what do you guys want to do now? No! No, no, no, guys! No, no, please.
No, no, no! I'll give you money! I know where there's treasure! (fading rapidly): Oh! (salsa music playing) Okay, they didn't really do that.
Actually, we drank champagne, put on some music, and the trip home turned out to be a lot of fun for everyone except me.
And, as for Freddy, he sold all his shares in Pickering and bought this island, where he now lives with two giant women and his dog, who speaks a very, very rudimentary form of Italian.
(dog barks) FREDDY: Ah, si, si! It is a beautiful morning.