Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e06 Episode Script

The Show Might Go On

ANDY: I had the best weekend.
I did something very impressive.
I don't want to brag, but I will as soon as I get the slightest chance.
Hi, Andy.
Yeah, me, too.
I had the greatest weekend.
Really? Mine sucked.
The only thing I did was catch a stupid four-pound bass.
Damn! (bluegrass banjo tune plays) You know that musical I'm an understudy in? Four pounds? I think you're lying.
Four, four-and-a-half, what's the difference? Yeah.
Well, anyway I finally got my shot to sing the lead in the show on Saturday night.
Oh, yeah, I should tell you something about Wendy.
Her big dream in life is to be a singer.
She came to Chicago six months ago, but getting work in music was a lot harder than she thought and left her singing the blues.
(blues style): * Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa But she kept plugging away, singing in coffee houses * Nuclear weapons are bad.
USO shows * Nuclear weapons are good, yeah! * and eventually, she got a paying job at a local playhouse where she was the understudy for a big diva.
(Broadway style): * Da, da-da, da-da, da * Da, da-da, da, da, da-da, da-da, da * * Da, da-da, da, da, da-da, da-da, da * Here she is now.
* Da, da-da, da, da, da-da, da-da, da * Now you're up to speed.
Saturday night I finally got my shot to sing the lead because the star had her appendix out.
But just as I'm about to go onstage, she comes running past me, crazy high on Demerol, yelling, "Out of my way, whore! They're all here to see me!" Ugh, she sounds awful.
We should sneak into her room while she's sleeping and put her appendix back in.
Or a shoe.
She probably still wouldn't miss a performance.
I'm never going to get a break.
You know, I got a friend who's an agent.
Well, he's not really a friend.
He threw up on me once in a poker game and I hate his guts, but I'd be happy to give him a call.
Really? Would you? Look at that smile.
I don't care if she does lie about her bass fishing.
I'm still going to help her.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * And I think you'd be surprised.
* The agent I set Wendy up with got her three paying gigs in the first week, including a job performing at this club.
Wendy was thrilled to death.
Oh, my God! Andy, you did it! You're my hero! Yay! Okay, she wasn't literally thrilled to death but she was excited and I was a hero.
So, we decided we'd all surprise her by coming to hear her sing.
So, do you come here often? Actually, this is my first time here.
Really? A good-looking lady like you? What are you doing later? What are you doing now? I'm just trying some stuff out.
You know, I've been single for a while and here I am in a bar, surrounded by women.
Byron, relax.
Meeting someone doesn't have to be that hard.
Excuse me.
I just noticed you don't have a drink.
Can I buy you one? Of course, it's usually harder than this.
Sorry, kiddo.
I'm here with someone.
Maybe some other time.
Byron, go for it.
She's pretty, friendly, recently rejected.
(techno music playing) Sit down, would you? You're making a fool of yourself.
Oh, look, there's that cute guy from Legal Affairs.
Does anybody want anything from the bar? I do.
Yeah Oh, hey, Milo.
Oh, hey, Jessica.
I like those glasses.
Are they new? No, I think these are the same ones they always use.
You're right.
You're so right! Those are exactly the ones they always use.
As self-assured as Jessica usually is around certain guys, sometimes she gets kind of dopey.
(cha-cha music plays) I'm sorry.
It's so crowded in here.
Could you open this jar for me? It's complicated.
And could you kill this bug for me? It's complicated, too.
Ooh! (laughs) That woman is still kissing that guy.
Public displays of affection-- I hate that.
Because I'm always the public.
Look, when is Wendy singing, so that I can get out of here and go home and drink chocolate milk? I don't know.
I didn't really talk to her that much about it.
I kind of got the feeling that she didn't want us to come.
She probably wants to polish her act before we see her.
Or she sucks.
Come on.
We're all thinking it.
"One if by land, two if by sea.
" Here's a telegram for Bill, and it's sung by me-- hit it.
(to tune of "Battle Hymn of The Republic") * Three cheers for Bill the birthday guy * * Who's turning 25 * * Bang my drum and light my torch * * It's true that ain't no jive * (bass drum pounding) I'm sorry, guys, I can't do this.
Bravo, honey! Bravo! You guys are here? Oh, my God! (bass drum pounding) I respect that.
At least once a day, I feel like crying and running out of the room but she actually did it.
Bravo, indeed.
The next morning, I knew Wendy would be embarrassed.
So I thought, as a show of support, I'd embarrass myself and then she wouldn't feel so alone.
(man wolf whistles) Oh, my God.
You mean it's not casual Friday? I am so embarrassed.
God, I feel so much better.
Sadly, I'm not that gallant.
No, you were good last night The material wasn't great but you have a wonderful voice.
And your cymbal work was outstanding.
A-And all the rhyming and Wow! ANDY: Yeah, and the drums outrageous.
Wow! Outrageous.
Come on, you guys.
It was a disaster.
But I'm actually glad that it happened because it's made me realize that this whole singing thing just isn't going to work out, so I'm going to let it go, move on and do something else.
You can't just give up.
I've been trying to make it as a writer for six years.
You don't see me giving up.
Six years?! I had no idea you'd been spinning your wheels that long.
I'm not spinning my wheels.
I don't even have wheels.
But here's what I'd look like if I did have wheels.
(wacky music plays) What am I doing? (music stops) My friend's going through a major life change and I'm imagining myself with wheels.
Come on, focus.
Anyway, I really should thank you, Andy, because if you hadn't introduced me to that agent, who knows how many more years I would have wasted? Oh, no, Wendy's giving up her dream and it's all my fault.
I feel terrible.
What should I do? Hey, you guys want to see what I'd look like with wheels? (wacky music plays) Ah Hey Hey.
Oh! Oh, Milo, I'm so sorry.
I didn't see you there.
How's it going? It's going, it's going, it's gone! No, no, no, I'm kidding, kidding.
Hey, you got to know, I'm, like, a big joker.
And sometimes, a midnight toker.
(guffawing) You are funny.
Well, as long as I'm not funny-looking.
Oh my God, that's great.
ANDY: Make way.
Coming through.
Thank you.
Wouldn't that have been fun? Okay, here's what actually happened.
As long as I'm not funny-looking, right? Oh, my God.
That's great! Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Andy, could you come here for a sec? Sure.
What's up? Wendy's had this exciting breakthrough.
I was just telling Keith that there's always been two things I wanted to do.
One was singing, but since that's not going to happen, I've decided to focus on dream number two.
Dream number two.
Tell him, honey.
I want to have a family.
You hear that? Obviously, not right away.
But, you know, I don't want to wait forever, either.
So I was telling Keith to start thinking about where this relationship is going.
I've got some thinking to do.
And thanks, Andy, because I probably wouldn't have realized all this if it hadn't been for you.
Yeah, thanks, Andy.
Nice work.
Well, I should get back.
See you guys later.
Yeah, I should probably get back, too.
Oh hang on a sec.
(gagging) Okay, I'm exaggerating.
Keith was upset at me for inspiring Wendy to get all serious about their relationship, but all he really did was tell me to Fix this.
Fix what? Wendy.
You broke her.
I didn't break her.
She's not a train set.
She was just feeling discouraged about her career.
All you had to do was nod and listen and say "Wow, that must really be tough.
" But you tried to help and now I have all this thinking to do.
Wow, that must really be tough.
It doesn't work on me.
I'm a guy.
I want results.
Just fix it.
I hear you, buddy.
I don't care.
Just fix it.
All right, I understand.
Shut up and fix it.
Remember her? You are drunk, Dick.
Dick This is Reggie Meadows, the star of Wendy's show, a musical based on the life of Richard and Pat Nixon.
My plan was to convince Ms.
Meadows to miss a performance so Wendy could go on in her place and rediscover her love of music.
(trilling): Drunk.
She seems like a reasonable person.
(knocking on door) Come.
Meadows? Excuse me.
I'm Andy Richter.
Of course.
Andy, so good to see you again.
How have you been? Fine Wonderful! And you're here to review the show? No.
Of course not.
Why would a director of your stature review a show? I'm not a director.
Are you an agent? A producer of some kind? I'm not in the entertainment industry.
You are not a crook, Dick I'm a friend of Wendy McKay, your understudy.
She's feeling a little down about her career and it would mean so much for her to be able to go on for just one performance.
You mean, instead of me? Yeah, but it'd just be for one show.
I mean, wouldn't you like a night off? Well, it would be nice to spend an evening with my lover.
Well, yeah, go do that.
Unfortunately for you, my lover is the theater.
Ha! I'm delightful.
(chuckling) (sighs) Hey, Wendy.
Hi, Keith.
I had the best Chinese food last night.
Yeah, I know.
I was there, remember? We talked about it then.
That's the funny thing about Chinese food-- you talk about it, then, an hour later, you want to talk about it again.
Keith, if you don't want to discuss our relationship, that's kind of an answer in itself.
No, no; no, no; I want to talk about it.
Talking is important to any relationship.
I mean, you take away talking all you got is sex and Chinese food.
Which, as I've learned recently, is just not enough.
Although it does seem to be working fine for about a billion Chinese people.
Actually, half a billion.
It pisses off all the women.
I've got to figure out how to get Wendy back into singing.
Why? Fix it.
Still, why is this your problem? Shouldn't it be Keith's problem? Or Wendy's problem? Or the problem of a music industry so tangled up with payola and corruption that talented young people just can't get a break? Why is Byron so strangely bitter about the music industry? I'll show you.
(hard rock intro plays) * Well, she's all you'd ever * (gong sounds) (feedback screeches) Damn it.
It's my problem because Keith is mad at me.
So? "So? So?!" Byron had a point.
Why is it my problem? Hmm Well, I guess it's because, like Wendy, I have a dream.
I want to be a writer.
And if Wendy can so easily bail on her dream, I might start to ask myself why I'm still clinging to mine.
And that would be the first step towards giving up.
And I will never give up.
("Battle Hymn of the Republic" plays) Because I believe that talented people have a right-- no, an obligation-- to pursue the highest expression of those talents.
This country was founded by crazy dreamers who weren't afraid to chase their hopes across the great, wide American prairie.
I want to be such a man.
That's what was going on inside my head.
Here's what Byron saw.
This may require some explanation.
I figured the best way to give Wendy a chance to sing would be if I got Reggie sick, so she'd miss a few performances.
Lick these mints, too.
It's really nice of your neighbor to let you borrow her son like this.
Well, he's kept me up the last three nights with his coughing, so she owes me.
Also, she thinks I'm taking him to get soup-- which I will.
Remind me about the soup.
(box clanging) Oops.
Aw, don't worry about it.
Here, backwash into this.
This is fun.
(keys jangling) Reggie's coming.
Hide! Unless she can only see motion, I think she's going to find us.
Hello, Ms.
Remember me? I'm Andy Richter.
The famous director? Of course! Andy, so great to see you again.
How are you? Such a fan of your work.
Thank you.
I just, uh, came by to introduce you to my friends.
This is Keith.
And this is Jimmy.
Oh, what a handsome young man you are! Do you want to kiss him? Uh well Okay.
(uncomfortable chuckle) He likes it on the mouth.
Yeah, that's the way we do it.
We're show people.
I don't think I'll be doing that.
Come on, it's easy.
See? See? What kind of films did you say you direct? Hey, Jessica.
Hey, Milo, wow! Look at you! All wearing a headband.
Here in the office.
It's cool, huh? Yeah, I've been getting into, like, the whole Eastern thing.
So, you like it? Yeah, I do.
I think it's great.
It's like a sexy businessman warrior guy.
Ah, yes.
So, so, listen.
I was thinking, uh, we could go out tonight.
Well, maybe we could get some of that Eastern food.
Eastern food? Yeah.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Okay, well, I'll swing by and pick you up in my rickshaw.
Actually, I'm kidding.
I don't really have a rickshaw.
But I do know a guy named Rick Shaw.
No, no, I don't.
Wouldn't it be perfect, though, if I did? (claps, stomps foot) You are so funny! Yeah.
Okay, so, listen, I'll, uh see you tonight okay.
So, Milo, huh? I may be joining the "Milo High Club," yes.
(chortling) (seriously): So, how are you doing? I'm okay.
Yeah? I think it'd be really hard for you to just give up singing.
It was time to move on.
I can't imagine turning off a whole part of who I am, just like that.
I guess Although I did see you just turn off a giant chunk of your IQ when you were talking to Milo.
No, I didn't.
Come on.
"Rick Shaw"? It's a clever play on words.
Jessica (whining): He's so handsome.
"Rick Shaw.
" Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
Damn it.
Okay, here's the deal: I think you're very attractive-- hot, even-- but I'm having a lot of trouble pretending that you're funny or smart.
Oh, and I must tell you that thing on your head is not helping.
But you said it made me look like a sexy businessman warrior.
It does, but that's kind of a dumb thing to want to look like, don't you think? No.
You're a dumb thing to want to look like.
Now, see how even that really didn't work? Oh, and I'm going to have to pass on the Eastern food tonight.
You want to know why? Because there's no such thing.
Bad news.
I just talked to little Jimmy's mom.
He wasn't sick; he had allergies.
And she's mad that I kissed him.
Yeah, why did you do that? We were trying to make Reggie sick.
I guess.
It made me uncomfortable.
Well, that's your issue.
Anyway, I've been thinking about a way to get Reggie to miss a show.
One of us dresses up like a cab driver I'm done with all that.
What about getting Wendy back into singing? Look, yesterday, I did one of the stupidest things I've ever done to get out of something that could be the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I mean, all Wendy wants to know is if I could someday be serious about her.
The answer's easy.
I already am.
That's so romantic.
I think Wendy and Keith could beveryhappy together.
So, maybe it's okay for Wendy to bail on singing; but that's not going to stop me from pursuingmydream.
Because I'll chase my dream to the end of the Earth.
For I am the captain of me own ship.
(jaunty sea chantey playing) I can't grow a beard, and rum makes me giggle but if I want to write, then writin's what I'll do! For I am a pirate-- a pirate on wheels! Wendy? I want to talk to you.
Keith, guess what? The theater called and Reggie Meadows is out tonight.
I am going on in her place.
But the boy Andy kissed had allergies.
What?! It's slang.
It means, "That's wonderful, honey.
" Yeah, Reggie just slipped on some wet mints and twisted her ankle.
Again, the boy Andy kissed had allergies.
I know, isn't it? So, listen, I'm ready to talk about our relationship.
Keith, do you care about me? Of course.
Then that's all I need to know.
I may have been rushing things a bit because I was worried about my career, but now, I'm going to be Pat Nixon.
Whoo! Drunk.
* You are not a crook, Dick, no, sirree * * We'll get you off the hook, Dick, wait and see * * Nixon, Nixon, you're the only one * * You're a great, great man, and my little ball of fun * * Watergate, Schmatergate, your enemies are cruel * * But we'll show them all, Dick * This show is awful.
You should've married her.