Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e05 Episode Script

Relationship Ripcord

ANDY: Look what good friends we are.
We even go to the bathroom together.
I'm kidding.
That would be sick.
What we're doing is much healthier-- eavesdropping on Jessica's neighbor through this air vent.
He's a therapist.
Once a week we gather to listen in much like families of old used to sit by the radio for an evening of wholesome entertainment.
WOMAN: Then I ripped off his pants and we had mind-blowing sex right there on the Ferris wheel.
Some nights are better than others.
But all the while I couldn't help imagining those huge gears just grinding him into hamburger.
Carnival sex is a dangerous game to play.
Man, this woman has issues with men.
I have issues with men.
This chick's the bald eagle of nut birds.
Um, excuse me.
I know I always ask this, but what's going to happen if one of us has to go to the bathroom? I don't now, but one day it's going to happen.
Shh! Shh! Shh! MAN: And how's the relationship going, Dina? He told me he loved me and I dumped him, like I always do, and as usual, I didn't feel a thing.
Am I the coldest person you've ever met? Yeah.
MAN: Not at all.
You're here making a connection with me, aren't you? Now, I know a woman, we'll call her "X", who seems incapable of any real human contact.
WOMAN: There's no "X.
" You're just saying that to make me feel better.
MAN: No, her name is Jessica.
She lives next door.
What? MAN: I don't know her well but in the years that I've lived here, she's never displayed anything more than a distant, almost reptilian coldness.
I am not cold.
You coward.
Criticizing me through an air vent.
He'll hear you.
I don't care.
Why is he even talking about me? Do you guys think I'm cold? Of course not.
You just have one of those faces.
No, really, tell me the truth.
This is important.
Well, you didn't exactly make a warm connection with Todd at work.
Who the hell is Todd? Great party, huh? I'm just putting in my obligatory five minutes.
I don't even know who this Todd guy is.
It's me.
I'm Todd.
I don't think so.
I am.
I'm Todd.
No, you're, like, "Larry" or something.
Ooh, that was kind of cold.
But what are you, listening in on my conversations now? That's just rude.
MAN: Anyway let's talk about your relationship patterns.
WOMAN: It's always the same.
I hook up with some average looking guy, we have red-hot sex for a few weeks and then the minute he says the words "I love you" I'm out of there.
Average looking guy? Red-hot sex? Hello.
He doesn't even have to be average.
All it takes is some poor schlub who would never even think he had a chance with someone who looks like me.
Poor schlub? Never had a chance? Hello to me, too.
But not some weaselly guy.
Darn it.
I like a big, dopey moose, who thinks I'm unattainable.
Did she say "dopey" or "doughy"? Who cares? Either way, I'm in.
All I have to do is walk up to this Dina woman and tell her that she's beautiful.
Oh, my God, she's hideous.
Oh, wait, that's probably the therapist.
Wow, she is the opposite of hideous.
She's "suoedih.
" That's hideous backwards.
Cool, huh? I can say any word backwards.
Like, say, chrysanthemum.
" Eh, pretty close.
Oh, God, she's getting away.
Excuse me.
But you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.
Yeah? Can I take you to dinner? You really think I'm beautiful? Unattainable.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * I think you'd be surprised.
* Guys, I've been thinking.
It doesn't seem right to be eavesdropping on those therapy sessions.
Last night made me feel dirty.
And not just because four of you were watching me sit on the toilet.
We don't eavesdrop because it's right.
We do it because it's fun.
Like sleeping with your homeroom teachers.
Anyway I don't think I'm going to listen in anymore and I don't think you guys should either.
Then, for your sake, we'll stop.
BYRON: Well, as someone who has been the victim of many, many pranks, practical jokes and pantsings, it feels pretty darn good to finally be on the other side.
Then for Byron's sake, we got to continue.
Honey, the poor guy.
Remember the woman we overheard who likes sleeping with unexceptional men? Well I was unexceptional three times last night.
All right.
! U.
S Yeah, right.
The greatest thing is when I want out of the relationship all I have to do is say three magic words, "I love you," and she'll dump me.
Wow, that is perfect.
Especially for you.
ANDY: Byron was right.
I never quite mastered the graceful breakup.
It's not me, it's you.
Wait Oh, no, no, that's right.
I can't go out with you anymore because I'm gay.
And your brother.
And a ghost.
Ooh ooh I'm sorry, but Andy has been called away on a matter of national security.
Well, thank you for coming to tell me, Colonel Anderson.
Who now? You're welcome.
I wish I could get out of a relationship that easy.
Or into one.
I wish a lot of things.
But you're having fun, and that's important.
I just read the revisions you made for the Tomahawk Waste Disposal System, and you two are gold.
I feel so lucky to know you.
Both of you guys are right here.
What are you doing? I'm practicing being warmer.
Come on.
So you're not one of those people that's all huggy and touchy.
Big deal.
You don't think I'm huggy and touchy? I can be huggy and touchy.
Hey, Andy, here are those specs you wanted.
Thanks, Mel.
Hey, Mel.
How's it going, Mel? Fine.
Am I in trouble? No, Mel.
Can I go now? Yeah, go ahead, beat it.
Oh, come on.
Everyone knows Mel's hard to reach.
So, since you don't see anything wrong with eavesdropping on people, I've taken the liberty of listening in on your phone calls and I've learned some very, very interesting things Mr.
Needs To Wait For The Plumber Between 9:00 And 12:00 On Saturday.
Really? What have you learned? That you have to wait Never mind.
Come on, admit it.
It doesn't feel so good to be eavesdropped on, does it? I'm okay with it.
Yeah, me, too.
You guys are just pretending you don't care so I'll stop listening.
Or we really don't care.
Hi, Todd.
How are you today? Good, Jessica, thank you.
For getting my name right.
Yeah, I shouldn't have fought you on that.
Do you think it's something we'll ever be able to get past? Sure, I'm already past it.
In fact, I'm so past it, it's coming around again.
Here it comes.
I'm past it again.
Oh, here it comes again.
Oh, get out of here you thing.
Leave us alone.
Jessica and I are past you.
( laughing ) I have a meeting I have to get to, but I'll see you later.
( laughing ) Hey, did you see that? Todd and I high-fived.
That therapist is an idiot.
I'm great at being warm.
It turned out that for Jessica being really friendly was like riding a luge.
Once she got going, if you tried to stop her you could both be killed.
And the blood would stay on the ice till spring.
A horrifying reminder of just how friendly she was.
Things were going well for me, too.
Dina and I had spent the last few days with each other and it was great.
Bravo, my mediocre friend.
There's nothing quite so gratifying as taking sexual advantage of the mentally ill.
I am not taking advantage of her.
Come now, don't be ashamed.
I had a retarded mistress for eight years who slept with me because she thought I was the Pope.
That is horrible.
And this is totally different.
Dina is not mentally disabled.
She's fornicating with you, isn't she? The imaginary dead guy had gotten under my skin.
I needed to come clean with Dina and tell her the truth about our first meeting.
Listen, Dina.
I need to tell you something.
Once a week, a bunch of us get together in my friend's bathroom.
Well, whatever.
No, no.
The bathroom part isn't the important part.
It's about how we met.
See, I haven't been completely honest.
Andy, I haven't been totally honest with you, either.
I got involved with you for a lot of the wrong reasons.
But we're having a really great time.
Rather than dredge up things we both regret, can't we just keep the past in the past and enjoy what we have right now? Yes.
Hey-ya, Curly.
Hey, shorty.
Hey tall guy.
You know, Wendy, oh, I have to say making an effort to be warmer has been really great.
I feel closer to people and I think people feel closer to me, too.
I'm glad it's working out.
Here, someone's filed a sexual harassment complaint against you.
Oh, man.
Which one of these ass pods did that? I can't believe somebody filed a sexual harassment claim against me.
Who would have done that? Good question.
Could it have been Mel? Or maybe it was Bob.
Or could it have been this guy? No, this guy doesn't even exist.
I just made him up.
You want to see him dance? Or could it have been Jessica herself? It was Todd-- that birthday guy whose name you forgot? Todd? All I did was high-five him.
Actually, I think Todd was upset about something else.
JESSICA: Oh, who is my best emplo-YEE-HA! That wasn't harassment.
That was just a friendly little slap on the ass.
Jessica, "harassment" has the word "ass" right in the middle of it.
It's like the guys who made it up were trying to give you a big clue.
Well, it's not my fault.
It's society's fault-- a society where, where mass media creates victimization and the billboards and, and deadbeat dads Why don't you just talk to Todd and apologize? Apologize to Todd? That little weasel? Only nicer than that.
( scoffs ) How many times can I tell you? You're pretty, you're pretty, you are pretty.
Okay, Mom? Yes.
The body, too.
My mother is driving me crazy.
How's the woman in your life? Things are going really great.
And it's not just the sex, either.
I think it's turning into a real relationship.
And you can get out any time you want.
All you have to do is say "I love you," and she is gone forever.
Well, I don't want her to go away because I think I really do love her.
Then tell her you love her.
Well, then she'll go away.
That is awesome; it's like you can just get out.
But I don't want to get out.
But if you wantedto.
I don't want to.
But you could.
Byron, we're not talking about your mom.
God, I hate her.
Do you have any nines? No.
But if it were up to me I'd give you all the nines in the world.
I'd even turn all the sixes upside down.
Even all the sixes? Aw Look at her.
She is so wonderful.
It was killing me that I couldn't tell her what I was thinking.
Do you have any nines? No.
I love you, I love you! ( sobs ): I love you, I love you.
I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you, I love you.
Todd? Well, if it isn't "The Octopus.
" What? You know, 'cause of all the touching and stuff.
Whoa, that's good.
Octopus, yeah, yeah, I see that now.
Listen, Todd, I'm sorry about what happened.
But, you know how we got past the name thing? Well, maybe we can get past this, too.
Oh, look! Here it comes there it goes.
( nervous laugh ) I don't think so.
Oh, come on, I, I think so.
I don't.
Think so.
Todd, think so.
No, I'm kidding.
Oh, come on.
How can we make this go away? You miserable little Buddy? He wants to be our friend? What does that even mean? Share in private jokes; make a human pyramid.
Run around in the fountain with umbrellas.
I don't know but if we don't really, really like him, I'll be fired.
Well, if Todd wants to be our friend so badly why didn't he just come up and talk to us? He claims he tried, and we've been ignoring him.
We haven't been ignoring him.
Although, now that I think about it I just read the revisions you made for the Tomahawk Waste Disposal System, and you two are gold.
I feel so lucky to know you-- both of you guys.
I've taken the liberty of listening in on your phone calls and I've learned some very, very interesting things-- Mr.
Needs to Wait for the Plumber Between 9:00 and 12:00 On Saturday.
Well, if Todd wants to be our friend so badly why didn't he just come up and talk to us? He claims he tried, and we've been ignoring him.
ANDY: Okay, hopefully I'm remembering this last one wrong.
I love this movie.
I've seen it like, a million times.
Oh, that guy's the murderer.
Yeah, you'll find that out in about 45 minutes.
I love mysteries.
Imagine five hours of this.
Now imagine smacking him with a hammer.
It feels pretty good, doesn't it? Hey, Wendy.
You know how you've been listening in on Keith and Byron's phone calls? Well, you got busted.
You have to stop or they'll fire you.
It's against company guidelines.
What? How did they find out? They listen in on everyone's phone calls.
Well, that's wrong.
That's exactly what I've been trying to tell They know.
They know.
They heard.
( scoffs ): This is exactly what is wrong with the world.
It's impossible to teach a moral lesson.
It's like the time I pushed that furrier into a spring-loaded leg trap.
Suddenly, I'm the criminal.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you, I love you.
I love you.
I love you, I love you Andy, there's something I want to talk to you about.
I love you, I love you, I love you I love you Andy? I love you, I love you Oh, she's talking to me.
Yes? God, this is hard.
For years, I've been doing this terrible thing where I get involved with guys and when they tell me they love me I dump them.
I know you probably think I'm horrible.
No, because I love you.
No, because no reason.
And what's worse is, when I first met you I was planning on doing the exact same thing.
But luckily, I've been in therapy and being with you has been so special you're so special.
So, I guess what I'm trying to work up the courage to say is I love you.
Really? Yes, Andy, I love you.
Oh, Dina, I love you.
( door closes ) ( knock at door ) Hi! Ready to hit the club scene? Hey, isn't it weird to say "hit the club" when you use a club to hit? I have a book of fun wordplay.
You got to read it; I'll lend it to you.
That's okay.
No, seriously, I want you to read it.
Seriously, you have to read it.
So, where are the rest of my friends? Huh? Jessica? Jessica? Jessica? Jessica? Okay, you know what? My friends aren't here because I let them off the hook, and I told them they didn't have to spend any more time with you.
I know when I'm not wanted and that's why I made this deal.
So, you call them and you get them back here.
This is over.
And if you ever tell anyone that I sexually harassed you I have four friends-- real friends-- who will back me up that you're blackmailing me into spending time with you.
Oh, I know what this is.
This is a fight between friends.
We'll get past this.
Our friendship will come around again.
Hup, here it comes.
Hello, Friendship-- nice to see you, how have you been? No.
It came around again and I choked it and I buried it in a cornfield in Northern Indiana.
You want to know why? Because we never had a friendship.
I was faking it.
And now I am done and I never want to see you again.
So just get out of here, you nothing! You see what I mean? ( gasps ): No, wait! ( gasps ): You don't understand.
He deserved that! I'm not cold I'm warm and loving! ( bangs on door ) Loving! Do you hear me?! Hey.
( gasps ): Oh! Andy! Perfect! Tell this guy I'm not cold.
Dina dumped me.
I told her that I loved her and she left.
Really? Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
( sighs ) Thanks.
Do you want to get a drink or something? Sure.
But first tell this guy that I'm hugging you.
Dina hi.
Oh, hi, Byron.
So, I guess you and Andy aren't together anymore, huh? No.
You are so out of my league.
You think? Oh, yeah.
You are unattainable.
You want to go to dinner? Sure.
I love you.
Darn it!