Animal Practice (2012) s01e07 Episode Script


Angela, can I get some help? Can't.
Angela, a little help over here? You win again, Shapiro.
Really? You watch that monkey lawyer show? Juanita, the monkey is not a lawyer.
That would be ridiculous.
He's a paralegal.
George! Hey, George! Hey, I've been calling your name for, like, half a block, man.
Blocks out the whole city.
Mornings are my me time.
Whatcha doing tonight? Because down at O'Dooley's, they have this thing called trivia night, where you team up and answer questions in different categories.
I'm an adult male in 2012, Doug.
I understand the concept of trivia night.
Just, I thought maybe we could check it out together.
There's always lots of good-looking girls down there.
Maybe we could wingman for each other.
Doug, there are no wingmen in the animal kingdom.
What about coyotes? They are always hunting in pairs when they're bringing down a deer.
Yes, but the coyotes are going to kill the dear, not have awkward morning-after breakfast with it.
- All I'm saying is I-- - Rizzo, headphones.
Okay, so last night after much deliberation and a healthy amount of pink wine, I finally settled on the name of my pet pig.
Ready? Babe! Oh, yeah.
After Babe Didrikson, the female golfer? I love it.
No, after Babe from the movie.
Yeah, The Babe Didrikson Story.
No, it's about a pig.
It came out 15 years ago.
It was a huge hit.
Are you seriously telling me you've never heard of Babe? It is not my fault.
My wife kept a strictly Michael bay household.
Okay, you know what, we are fixing this tonight.
Movie night, my place.
Who's in? - Ooh, this girl! - This girl! This girl! Sabrina.
This is the third time Horatio has been in this month.
And you always take such good care of him.
It seems he has elevated levels of Theobromine.
Now, this indicates he must have ingested chocolate, which is highly toxic to birds.
My poor Horatio.
Will he be all right? We should keep him overnight for examination.
But do you have any idea how Horatio could have eaten chocolate? I do let him fly freely around the townhouse, so it's possible he got into something.
He should be back to his old self in no time, but no more chocolate.
This will never happen again.
You know, it's funny.
I remember when I first got Horatio 16 years ago.
It was raining that day-- no, it wasn't raining.
It was just overcast, yes, I remember because.
- I was wearing my raincoat - Thanks, buddy.
Oh, my gosh.
Who is the hottie in the exam room? Oh, if you think she's hot, you haven't seen Cloris Leachman on the cover of Redbook.
Oh, my God.
It's that Tinsley girl.
I seen her on page six.
She's the heiress to all that French mustard money.
Sabrina said her granddaughter was coming to pick her up, but she's so old, I calculated the hotness potential for the granddaughter to be somewhere around present-day Barbara Hershey.
Well, your scale is busted, bro, because that girl is bangin'.
Whoa, what are you-- what are you doing? Going to talk to the owner of one of my patients.
No, no, you're not.
I saw her first.
- I should have dibs.
- Dibs? - Yeah.
- She's a woman, Doug.
Not the last ice cream sandwich.
Ah! You really think you have a chance against me? Oh, I think me and my banjo stand a pretty good chance, yeah.
You're not-- Bye.
- See ya.
- George! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Now, you can stop all the man hugging.
She's gone.
What? Well, that's great.
That was stupid-- now neither one of us gets her number.
Oh, don't worry, she'll be back And you can wrestle for her love again tomorrow.
- We're not gonna do that.
- We're not? No, because I care about our friendship, I'm not gonna let a woman come between us.
Tinsley should be off limits, agreed? Yes, agreed.
I like it.
Bros before hos.
Men before hen.
Docs before box.
We may have lost it on the first go around.
We're gonna win this thing on appeal.
Not that kind of a peel.
See, I watch the show for the drama, but the banter is the frosting on the cupcake.
Hey, is this that monkey lawyer show? It's called Law of the Jungle, and, yes, there's a monkey in it, but what it's really about is the human relationships.
Ugh! What happened? Oh, the cable went out! I swear, if I don't find out who murdered the D.
, I will freak out! Maybe you should pick up a book.
N-- Get out of here! You know what? That's probably overkill.
Ah! - Hey, Yamamoto, come on in.
- Hi.
Um, Angela's not gonna make it.
There was a cable emergency at the hospital.
Juanita should be here soon.
Speak of the devil.
He has horns, he likes fire.
Ancient Mexicans referred to him as El Diablo.
No, I meant that it was Juanita.
Oh, man, she's not gonna be able to make it either.
Do you wanna cancel then? No, no, no, no, stay.
We'll have fun.
Oh, good, 'cause I saw the trailer on YouTube, and I've been perfecting my Babe impression.
"La la la.
I want my mother.
" We're laughing! "La la la.
" Can I have a cupcake? I'm really hungry.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You, uh, sure know your way around a cable box.
I should.
I'm a third-generation cable man.
Wanted to be a doctor, but my father wouldn't hear of it.
- Oh, that's a shame.
- Yeah.
Oh, whoops! Allow me.
Now that's what I call hi-def.
- I'm Angela, by the way.
- Oh, I'm Gary.
So you got something special you wanted to watch? Oh, it's just a silly little show.
Law of the Jungle, I don't know-- L.
? - It's the best.
- Yeah.
I mean, sure, it's got a monkey in it, but it's really About the relationships! I'm always saying that.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, this is Gary.
Cable outage, Tribeca? Gary's on it.
- Here you go.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
- Take care.
Sign me up for the full package, Rizzo.
My grandmother loves this bird and this hospital.
Thank you for your help, Dr.
Please, please, call me George.
And, uh, if you don't mind, I'd like to call you for dinner.
Tonight? Oh, that's sweet, but I already have a date tonight.
Bye, Doug.
See you tonight, Tinsley.
I'm sorry, man, I had to do it.
No, no, that's all right.
I have to do this.
Noaww! That was such a good one.
So are we still on for a dinner and movie tonight? Uh, yeah, meatloaf and Mommy Dearest at 8:00.
No wire hangers! So you and yams are getting along pretty good, huh? We're getting our movie on in a pretty significant manner.
Oh, that's so cute.
He thinks you're his girlfriend.
His-- seriously? - What would give you that idea? - Because he said, "Dorothy and I - "are boyfriend and girlfriend.
" - What? You haven't noticed how he's been acting around you? Hey, girlfriend.
Spaghetti's ready, girlfriend.
You're so tense, girlfriend.
Oh, my God.
I thought he was just being sassy.
What did you expect, huh? The man just got out of a marriage; He's vulnerable.
And you keep inviting him over to watch movies.
Oh, no, I thought we were just two friends watching The Notebook.
Well, congratulations, you are officially in a relationship.
At least according to Yamamoto's Facebook page.
Huh? I'm a romantic.
- That's a great picture of you.
- No.
So how does Horatio seem to you? Good, although I am concerned that he's back again.
So what is your granddaughter's deal exactly? I don't know what you mean.
Has she always gone for hirsute men? Is her father perhaps a lumberjack? I don't understand you.
Her father was a Princeton man.
Horatio's Theobromine levels are high.
- He's had chocolate again.
- That's impossible.
I had the staff sweep the whole townhouse and remove anything containing chocolate.
Could anyone be giving your cockatoo chocolate? - No, who would do that? - Well, he's getting it somehow.
But seriously, your granddaughter, is this like some sort of performance art? Your honor, I would like to call a surprise witness.
Come on, Rizzo, Gary just called, and he's downstairs.
You gotta take one for the team! Look, when he gets here, he'll plug it back in, I'll get his phone number, and we'll be back to watching in no time.
I am so embarrassed.
A malfunction one day post-repair? I swear, this has never happened to me before.
God, stupid Gary! - Stupid, stupid-- - No, no, don't sweat it.
Although I bet you sweat well.
What? I don't know.
Oh That-- it looks like it's working again.
I guess I'll be off then.
Wait, what's your rush? How about some popcorn? Beer? We have HBO.
- You're not supposed to.
- Ah.
In the future when you call, make sure something's really wrong.
Every minute that I'm here, another subscriber decides to start watching TV on the Internet.
Never used it, never will.
Take care.
When did you stop believing in love, Rizzo? Your honor, I object! Order! Order! Order! What's cooking, good-looking? Um, we need to talk.
Hold on.
I was gonna bring this over tonight, but it just can't wait.
What's this? - Oh - It was my grandmother's.
She doesn't know it's missing.
- Yamamoto, no, I, um-- - You're overwhelmed! And so am I.
Here we are, just two kids having fun, trying to make sense of our feelings.
Feelings of mutual, professional respect? I like funny women.
And nice women.
You never yell at me, you let me eat my snacks.
You're so much nicer than my wife.
She broke my heart.
Um- But piece by piece, you're putting it back together.
You make me feel safe.
Thanks, girlfriend.
You know, I don't wanna jinx it or anything, but I think Tinsley might be the one.
Oh, please, you've known her for a week.
Okay, well, maybe not "the one," but she's "a one.
" As interesting as your romantic prognostications may be, I'm preparing for surgery right now.
Oh, all right, man, I get it, I'm sorry.
This-- this has gotta be difficult for you.
- What are you talking about? - Being all happy, talking about Tinsley when you wanted to date her too.
I mean, I'm a moron.
I don't care that you're dating Tinsley.
Obviously, beauty found her beast.
Oh, yeah, that's one way of looking at it.
Oh, and you probably just found out about Dorothy dating Yamamoto.
- What? - Yeah, I know.
Right? He says they're boyfriend-girlfriend.
To go from you to Yamamoto, she's gotta be going through something-- Doug, I don't know what game you're playing, but I do know that I am absolutely, 100% fine with you dating a rich, spoiled socialite like Tinsley.
Hold on there, buddy.
She is not that spoiled, all right? She's not even that rich.
Matter of fact, her grandmother's giving all that mustard money to the cockatoo.
Tinsley is not gonna see a dime.
Wait a minute, the bird is getting all the old lady's money? Yeah, it's crazy, I know.
If I was her, I'd be super-pissed.
It's her.
Huh? What are you talking about now? Tinsley is poisoning Horatio, so she can get her grandmother's inheritance.
Oh, George, please.
I think things with mustard girl are about to get a little spicy.
I knew something was wrong with her.
I mean, she picked you over me.
Hey, my girlfriend is not poisoning her grandmother's bird.
Will you stop saying "girlfriend"? You've been out with her, like, three times.
- Jealous.
- Jealous? Jealous? I'm jealous of the guy who swoops in after we made a gentlemen's agreement - that she was off limits.
- She told me you asked her out too.
She'll say anything.
She's a delusional bird murderer.
- Hey-- - Look, this is about facts.
Fact: Someone is feeding the cockatoo chocolate.
Fact: Tinsley has unlimited access to the cockatoo.
Fact: Tinsley is the only person who has the motive to get rid of it.
Fact: Yousuck! - Hey.
- Huh? Are you dating Yamamoto? No! Well, I don't know.
It's complicated! Juanita.
Why are you wearing a big, pimped out bug on your dress? Shh.
It's from Yamamoto.
You were right.
He thinks that we're a couple.
What if I can never break up with him? What if I have to marry him and have kids with him? I mean, sure, half-Asian babies are like the Tyson Beckford of babies, but I was not meant to be Dorothy Yamamoto, okay? I was meant to be Dorothy Iglesias.
- Enrique? - No, Julio.
Juanita, what do I do? Well, fortunately, I happen to be an expert in all matters of the heart.
- Okay.
- I've got you.
- All right, thank you.
- All right.
I love your highlights, but I especially love your lowlights.
Actually, your lowlights kind of are the highlights.
If you're done getting beard burn, I just got Horatio's latest blood work back.
Where's Sabrina? She's waiting for Horatio in the pathology lab.
Sorry, I just got a little woozy.
Tinsley, do you happen to have any chocolate on you? - Sorry.
- Yeah? You sure? I don't do chocolate.
Because I'm a diabetic.
My blood sugar's really low.
- I have some Tic Tacs.
- I don't want Tic Tacs! - Where's the chocolate? - I'll run and get you some orange juice.
Mm-hmm, that's a great idea, Tinsley.
Thank you.
Oh Oh ho ho! Oh, bravo.
Impressive performance, George.
I told you, she's not the one poisoning the bird.
Well, I'm not giving up that easily.
You know, you really should have taken her up on that Tic Tac.
Easy for you to judge.
Your son's still alive! What are you doing? No, no, no, I can quit any time! No.
I'm sorry, Rizzo.
It's just too depressing.
I can't watch this show anymore without thinking of Gary.
Not to mention his goldilocks ass.
Not too big, not too small, just right.
I think I'm gonna go and think about all the good times Gary and I had.
Rizzo! In the middle of your show.
Thanks, buddy.
I'm calling Gary now.
Her lowlights are the highlights Okay, I got her purse.
- Whose? - Tinsley's! Are you insane? She just told you she doesn't do chocolate, man.
I think she does.
I think she does lots and lots of chocolate.
Open her purse.
Prove me wrong.
I already know you're wrong.
- Do ya? - Yep.
If there's no chocolate in there, I'll stop.
You can canoodle with the non-cockatoo-poisoning socialite - in peace.
- No, I'm not gonna do that.
- Then I will.
- No, George, you're not do-- put the pur-- Chocolate! - Nah! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my sweet, sweet Tinsley.
What do you think you're doing? Ah! Mystery solved.
How could you poison your grandmother's bird? What are you talking about? I'm talking about chocolate, lady.
Lots and lots of chocolate.
Way too much chocolate for someone who doesn't do chocolate.
You idiot, that's my grandmother's purse! Okay, listen.
Some things were said-- You actually thought I would try to poison my grandmother's bird? We're over! Aha! Mystery solved! It was Sabrina.
Good work.
Good work.
Tinsley, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm so, so sorry.
I just gave him a little, not enough to really hurt him.
Many people took such good care of us every time we came in.
I just wanted a reason to keep coming back.
Munchausen by proxy! Of course.
You were making Horatio sick in order to bask in the attention that the hospital gave you.
Well, yes, that's what I just said.
You know I can't let you leave with Horatio.
I won't do it again.
Please don't take him from me.
Tell you what I'll do.
I'll release him to Tinsley, and then you can see him - whenever you want.
- Thank you.
And if you ever get lonely, you can always just come and visit us.
Not me, but, you know, there's a woman named Dorothy here who won't stop talking.
- Hey, Yamamoto.
- Hey.
I got our next meal and movie: Spaghetti and meatballs and Meatballs.
Aha! I knew I'd find you in here.
That's right, we're together.
You got a problem with that? Oh, no, you got the problem.
Trying to steal my man.
What man? Me man? Juanita, you're into me too? That's right, and she knew it.
When we found out that you were single again, I called dibs.
You mean like Doug and his last ice cream sandwich? But I had to have you, I mean, I couldn't contain myself.
- Who could? - Many.
Look at us.
Juanita, look at us.
What are we doing? We're letting a guy come in between us? We are way too good of friends for that.
No, you're not.
You guys are, like, work acquaintances.
We can't let our friendship suffer.
Let's just agree that Yamamoto is off limits.
No matter how hard it is, neither one of us can date him ever.
Even if the other one dies.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! We can work something out.
Dorothy, I can date you on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
And, Juanita, I can date you on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
Sundays is Breaking Bad, but we could work something out.
Sorry, Yamamoto.
It's gonna be hard, but we're just gonna have to quit you.
But, ladies.
That'll do, pig.
That'll do.
Tinsleywon't even talk to me.
I definitely do not wanna talk to you.
I don't wanna talk to you either.
I just took this chocolate from Sabrina.
Seems a shame to let it go to waste.
That is so lame, man.
No, it's free candy.
It's the opposite of lame.
I mean, it's lame for you to come into my office and not say you're sorry.
Does the candy not convey that? Why can't you just admit that a beautiful, sane woman chose me over you? Fine.
You won.
Happy? Getting there.
So I was thinking, uh, trivia night next week.
You could be my wingman? Yeah, maybe you can be my wingman.
All right, fine.
Whatever the traditional wingman process is.
Sweet bird, girlfriend.
What's your name? You're pretty.
Thank you.
Yeah, there's definitely something wrong with that girl.
- There really is.
- Yeah.
Shapiro, I'm sorry.
When I hid your bananas, I was angry.
When I told you you were out of order, well, that was just wrong.
The only thing out of order around here is, um Is my heart.
Thanks for fixing the box, Gary.
It's moments like this that make my job worthwhile.