Animal Practice (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

Ralphie

Candy man hey, candy man Who can take a sunrise? Who can take a sunrise? Sprinkle it with dew Sprinkle it with dew Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two The candy man The candy man Ooh, the candy man can The candy man can - The candy man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good Ralphie, stay! Give him 2 milligrams of ace, cut off the door, take him to exam room six.
Poor guy.
How does a dog get to be that size? With a little help.
Excuse me! Can somebody help? I'm stuck.
Hi, Dr.
Coleman.
We gotta stop meeting like this.
That one's not my problem.
Okay, Angela, three to play.
Too rich for my blood.
You can count this high roller in.
George? Guess I'm all in.
- Ooh.
- Yamamoto? Yams, don't bet your wedding ring.
I'm not betting my wedding ring.
- I'm betting my wife.
- Hey, guys.
Hey, George-- whoa, that's a lot of kings.
- Ugh.
- Okay, I'm out.
- I'm out.
- We dislodged Mr.
Gruber - from the vending machine.
- Finally.
Yeah, well, it would've been faster if he actually let go of the chocolate bar, but-- Well, why don't you sit down, Dorothy, play a hand? Yeah, Ms.
Crane.
I could teach you how to hide chips in your cleavage.
You could probably get two in there, easy-- - three with the right bra.
- Thanks, Angela.
I'd really like to learn that, and I do like poker.
No, you don't.
Break time's over.
We'll pick this up tonight.
Rizzo, chips.
You know, I have been here for three months, so it would be nice if you invited me to poker.
Oh, sorry, Dorothy.
It's not my fault the group doesn't accept you yet, although the group does have to admit that you smell very nice today.
Oh, really? The group thinks I smell good? Yes, but there are other things about you that bug them.
Well, if I bug everyone so much, why do they show up to my tapas Tuesdays? - Everyone? - Every Tuesday night, I serve an array of savory Spanish delights, and we all, you know, open up and get to know each other.
Small plates, big talk.
I have worked very hard to cultivate an environment where nobody says anything personal to anybody.
Mr.
Gruber, I have been telling you for years to stop feeding Ralphie cupcakes.
He has heart disease, diabetes.
Now he can't even get out the front door.
Congratulations.
You've officially robbed this beautiful animal of his dignity.
Well, I've been taking a pastry class at the "Y.
" Ralphie loves my buttercream and-- - No more cupcakes! - Okay.
You know what? I think Dr.
Coleman is trying to open up a dialogue to discuss your dog's wellness.
Actually I'm trying to shame him.
But clearly that's not working, so it's time for veiled threats.
If you continue to hurt this dog, - I will choke you out.
- How is that veiled? I wanna help Ralphie, I swear.
It's just been hard.
I've been working a lot of long hours at the tollbooth.
People don't even try to hit the basket anymore.
This is not about you.
It's about Ralphie.
If he keeps eating like this, the damage will be irreversible.
- Is that understood? - Yes, Dr.
Coleman.
Okay, you feel properly shamed? Yeah, I feel pretty bad about myself.
Good.
I wanna see this dog back in a week.
I wanna see some improvement.
No one is going to choke you out.
That poor man! That poor man has been slowly loving his dog to death for over six years.
Well, clearly his emotional eating has manifested itself onto his dog.
You know a lot about psychology for someone with a unicorn tattoo.
Hey, it's a horse with a flute, and it made sense when I was 18.
Look, George, we have to help Mr.
Gruber.
I don't care about Mr.
Gruber.
We treat animals, Dorothy, not the owners.
Good vets treat both.
Look at Doug.
All right, now bring it in for a hug.
Come here.
Good stuff.
Aww, see.
Hugging out, not choking out.
Whoa, dude, were you scared? Scared? Of course I was scared.
It was this big-- - Ooh.
- Oh, no, no.
Oh, my God.
Ah Who spilled this? All over my invoices, my scheduling-- My us weekly? - It was Dr.
Rizzo.
- Ah.
You owe me an Us Weekly, Rizzo.
Stop! Did you seriously just blame a monkey? Why are you asking me? You just saw me do it.
Yams, you cannot go through life this afraid of confrontation.
You're right, Doug, you're right.
No! You're doing it, right now, okay? This is why Dr.
Gotlieb keeps stealing your parking space.
This is why your neighbor hasn't returned your weed wacker.
And this is why your wife is on a three-day weekend - with her piano teacher! - Oh, my God.
I have to ask my wife to get that weed wacker when she gets back from Miami.
Okay, let's-- let's start small.
Apologize to Rizzo.
He's fine.
He's a monkey.
He doesn't understand anything.
Missing my point altogether.
- It's a monkey.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm glad I don't have a car.
'Cause I know that, like, if I drove it around, I would definitely, like, not be that good of a driver.
And then once I parked it, I would probably lose it.
Fascinating.
Can you please remove yourself from this room? Oh, um-- Ms.
Crane said that doctors and owners would start developing personal relationships.
Mm-hmm.
Ms.
Crane recently suffered a nervous breakdown.
We keep her around to humor her.
Como estas? Hola, Jorge.
Who's ready for some tapas? I think it's getting worse.
- Sorry, I'm busy tonight.
- Doing what? Well, it's a matter of life and death.
So how's your day going, Rizzo? Okay.
Name of the game is five card stud.
Hey, George.
- Yamamoto, is it not evening? - Yes, George, it is evening.
And did I not say we would continue our poker game in the evening? Yes, George, you said exactly those words.
- So where is everyone? - They decided to go to Dorothy's tapas Tuesdays.
But we could have our own fiesta right here, just the two of us eating, talking, and high-fiving when one of us says something the other agrees with.
- Yeah, I don't high-five.
- That's right, low-five.
This has gone too far.
You know what this is? A great opportunity for us to bond? This is war.
Rizzo, bring your poker rake.
I had a relationship with an owner.
And it was fun until his parrot started repeating our safe word.
Ugh, cut a lot of good stuff short.
One of my best pals is actually an owner.
I hang out at his house all the time.
We drink beer.
Sometimes he takes off with his wife, leaves me alone with Buster, you know? It's cool though, I can help myself to whatever I want in the fridge.
- So basically, you're a dog-sitter? - No, that's crazy.
Oh, my God.
I'm a dog-sitter.
You traitors bailed on poker for this? George, you seem upset.
Have a boqueron, and tell us how you feel.
Yeah, I will tell you how I feel.
Bleh.
No, I won't.
Rizzo, as we discussed.
Hey, no-- Rizzo, no! Put that poker rake down.
Not my patatas bravas! - Everyone out.
- No! Everybody stay.
- You and me in the hall.
- All right.
While we're gone, no small plates, no big talk.
Small plates, big talk.
Oh, they're gonna go do it.
You are incapable of sharing anything personal.
Nothing has changed since we were dating.
Wrong.
When were dating, fights like this would end in sex.
Now they end in lectures and sex.
We're not having sex, George.
Then this conversation's over.
Fine.
Shut me out.
Shut the staff out.
- Shut the owners out.
- Owners are a hindrance to their pets.
You may think that, George, but if you keep ignoring them, this is gonna happen again and again.
Big insight from a girl who's got a horse with a flute tattoo.
Ralphie's back! We stopped by the cafeteria.
Choke that out.
- Why'd you page me? - I got some bad news.
It's about Mr.
Gruber's dog Ralphie.
We lost him, Dorothy.
How? He's huge.
No, I mean, we-- we lost him, lost him.
Oh.
And as you've been accurately pointing out, you are better with people than me.
So, uh, I was hoping that you might break the news to Mr.
Gruber.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
I can do this.
No, I can't.
I mean, what do I say, George? No, I can do this.
I can do this.
No, I can't, George.
I can't.
Little Ralphie, I mean, he's not so little.
- But he's-- - Okay, fine! - He's not dead.
- What? You are diabolical.
How could you get me to think that? I was giving you plausible deniability.
I'm planning on faking Ralphie's death in order to get him away from Mr.
Gruber.
- Why? - So I can give him to an owner who takes better care of him.
I'm thinking a young family with hyperactive vegan kids.
- That's a great idea, George.
- Thank you.
I was being sarcastic! Your sarcasm is so sincere.
It's confusing.
Aw, your opinion on my sarcasm means so much to me.
That's pretty good.
I have something to show ya.
Aah! Ow! What? Hole? What the hell happened to your pants? What? My pants are fine.
Mustard? Who would do this, Doug? There are my wife's pants.
I mean, they're mine.
They're my pants.
Okay.
Rizzo? Good hustle, good hustle.
Feel the burn, yes.
All these dogs used to be overweight.
With Angela's help, they're healthy, active, have years ahead of 'em.
All Ralphie needs is one month with her.
We should tell Mr.
Gruber to sign Ralphie up.
Yeah, I've signed him up seven times.
He never shows up.
Dorothy doesn't like the idea of faking Ralphie's death.
Oh, you kidding, Ms.
Crane? It's a classic.
Just talk to my Uncle Al, who's currently sunning on a beach in Costa Rica.
This is wrong in so many ways but mostly in the super obvious one.
It's what's best for Ralphie.
Through negligence and buttercream, Mr.
Gruber has lost his right to have a pet.
Why concoct some elaborate plan, break this poor guy's heart, when you could just talk to him? I mean, seriously, George, you of all people should have sympathy for him.
Why should he have sympathy for him? - Well, with-- - No reason.
Ooh, sounds like there's a reason.
- No, no, it's ancient history.
- I like history.
- When George was a kid-- - Don't say it.
- Say it, say it.
- He was a little chubby.
You were a chubster? I was not chubby.
I had a late growth spurt.
You were a chubster.
Certain glands took an extra 14 months to kick in.
There was a purely scientific explanation for the entire phase, despite what Joey Sasso and Nicky Bodadaccio would have you believe.
- Okay.
- So-- Hey, where you going? Oh, don't worry, George.
I hate gossip.
I'll get no pleasure when I tell everyone.
Hey, everybody! George was a fat child! Fresh avocado? Oh, my God.
- Hey, Doug.
- Yeah? Have you noticed that Rizzo's really smart? Yeah.
Yeah, I have.
He's really smart.
No, no, no.
Like, really, really, really smart and maybe slightly vindictive.
Let me see if I understand what you're getting at here.
Are you trying to tell me that you have a beef with a monkey? No.
Never mind.
- Okay.
- That's ridiculous.
- It is.
- Sorry, man.
Uh-huh.
George, how come you got so skinny? You know I like a man with meat on his bones.
We could've made something work.
- Great.
Here we go.
- There he is.
Dude, I feel so much closer to you right now.
You may not know this, but I too have struggled with my weight from time to time.
- Bring it in.
- No touching! Were you able to tie your own shoes? This is a huge step for you, - I'm telling you.
- A step backwards.
Were you able to step backwards, George? George, there's a call for you in your office.
Thank God.
- Hey, Dr.
Coleman.
- What are you doing in here? Well, Ms.
Crane said Ralphie's okay, but you wanted to share something with me.
Share? No.
No, no.
Could you open up, please? No, you open up.
Tell him how fat you were.
Fine, Mr.
Gruber.
Let's share.
I'm betting you've been called lots of things: Tubby, chunky, lardo, thunder thighs.
Can we get Ms.
Crane back in here? My point is, uh, when I was kid, I too had issues with my weight.
When my mom took us to buy clothes, there was a name for the section we shopped in.
- Husky.
- Please don't interrupt me while I'm connecting with you.
I know what it's like to be woken up at 3:00 in the morning by the sweet siren song of the freezer.
All my friends waiting for me: Rum raisin, butter pecan, pistachio.
You like bad flavors.
Rum raisin's an acquired taste.
Anyway, there you go, all right? All better? I'm confused.
What I'm saying is, you have no willpower.
I had no willpower.
I got over it.
You get over it.
Help your dog.
Really? You think it's that easy? You think you can help me because you had a glandular problem 20 years ago? Thank you.
Finally.
Someone acknowledges it was glandular.
You're nothing like me.
Why is this locked? Let me out.
Where's my dog? I wanna go home.
What did you say to him? It's not what I said.
It's what you did.
Your meddling just cost us a patient.
No, your insensitivity cost us a patient.
You don't know if I was insensitive.
- You were, weren't you? - Of course.
That's how this place has always worked! But now, the real hindrance to this hospital isn't the owners.
It's you.
- Ugh.
- Wow.
For a fat guy, he's not very jolly.
Look, George, I am not a hindrance to this hospital.
You're standing in front of my instruments.
Sorry.
You cannot blame me for this, okay? Now you're blocking my lamp.
There's so many things in here.
You know what? Next time-- There's not gonna be a next time.
For me to do my job, I need to remain clinically aloof and emotionally dispassionate.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's up? He collapsed in the lobby.
Get him to the O.
R.
Juanita, get my scrubs.
Scalpel.
If Dorothy would've just let me fake this dog's death, none of this would've happened.
- She was just trying to help.
- Quiet.
I'm still chief surgeon.
This is still my operating room.
It's harder working with her than you thought, right? That's idiotic.
She's ruining this hospital.
She introduced hugging and tapas.
That'll destroy us.
You know, George, I've known you for a long time.
You don't hate feelings.
You're just scared of them.
If I didn't have my hands in a dog, I'd smack you.
It's a good thing you do.
Ralphie suffered from severe stomach bloats, but he's going to be fine.
Now due to your ineptitude, I'm going to recommend-- That we get another owner for Ralphie.
Yes.
Wait.
What? I'm not fit to take care of him.
I love Ralphie.
I don't think I can change.
Dorothy, give me a minute alone with Mr.
Gruber.
You know, most species of animals can't recognize themselves in the mirror, but pretty much all species can recognize one of their own when they see one.
I understand what you're saying, and I appreciate it.
But we are not the same because you were a chubby kid, Dr.
Coleman.
Maybe not, but we are alike.
I know something about being self-destructive, kind of an expert in the field.
I can be cold, withholding.
Mean, sometimes cruel.
Imagine what I'm like with people I'm close to.
- My God, you must be awful.
- I am.
Why do it? - It's hard to change, I guess.
- It is hard.
But it's not impossible.
In this case, it's important.
It's not gonna be easy, but I'm gonna help you.
We'll get Ralphie healthy together.
Thank you, Dr.
Coleman.
Now you tell anyone that I was nice to you, I will choke you out.
Look, Dr.
Rizzo, I don't know if you're mad.
I kinda feel like you're mad.
And you know I'm afraid of confrontation, so here's a mango.
Please leave me alone.
Laughing-- Why? Oh, yams, come on.
Are you serious? It was me.
It wasn't Rizzo.
I put the avocado on the picture.
I'm the one who put mustard all over the butt of your wife's pants.
- These are my pants.
- Okay.
I can't believe you fell for that.
It's a monkey.
They can't hold elaborate grudges.
You're a veterinarian.
You should know better.
Yeah, well, you're a veterinarian, and you wasted the day concocting monkey pranks! Yes, I did, and I would do it again.
Maybe next time you nut up, and you own your mistake.
- What mistake? - Hmm? Doug's mistake.
He's the one who spilled the beverage on your Us Weekly.
And you sat there and let the monkey take the blame? What's the matter with you, son? I don't know.
You're easier to nut up against.
Ah.
Sorry, Rizzo.
These are expensive.
Hey.
I heard things went well with Mr.
Gruber.
Yeah, he's gonna be fine.
More importantly, so is Ralphie.
Well, good.
I'm glad it went well.
You did something today that, uh, I didn't think was possible.
I made you a better vet? No, but, uh, you did help me get through to a patient that I haven't been able to reach in six years.
So I did make you a better vet? Uh, that's not what I'm saying, no.
It sounds like that's exactly what you're saying.
Anyway, maybe I spoke too soon when I said you don't belong here.
So what did you finally end up saying to Mr.
Gruber? None of your business.
That's my George.
You knew what you were getting into when you came back here.
I certainly did.
Hey, you got any money on you? Name of the game, five card stud.
Everybody, ante up.
Can't win if you don't play.
I don't have much money.
Come on, stop wussing around, and pony up some cash.
I'm on a very strict allowance.
The candy man How about your watch? Good idea, George.
Thank you.
So are four aces good? 'Cause I don't even have one.
- What? - Rake 'em, Rizzo.
You sandbaggin' son of a bee sting.
There we go.
Shopping cart.
Shopping cart.
Shopping cart.
Shopping cart.
Digging ditches.
Digging ditches.
Digging ditches.
Digging ditches.
Sandwich artist.
Sandwich artist.
Sandwich artist.
Sandwich artist.
Here we go.
Speed skating.
Speed skating.
Speed skating.
Surrounded by bear traps.
Surrounded by bear traps.
Old people.
Old people.
Old people.
Old people.
Pop a cork.
Pop a cork.
On my back.
On my back.
- I'm your wife.
- No! - I'm your wife.
- No! - I'm your wife.
- No! - I'm your wife.
- No! I've been patient I've been good tried to keep my hands on the table It's getting hard